Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Hello! And welcome back to Good News. So what's been happening?

Well, here's a tip - if you're interviewed on TV,

careful where you place the microphone.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Is it me, or did this guy really sound like Kermit the Frog?

-How do you evaluate that? KERMIT-LIKE:

-Well, you know...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

The state is going through a complete reformation

of the criminal justice system.

If you look back at the last years or the current year...

It's incredible, isn't it?

Over on BBC South East,

this lady wins my award for fake laugh of the week.

There was hardly any time to think about it, to be honest.

Just, you know, started growing the beard, really!

-FAKE LAUGH

-Good to talk to you.

LAUGHTER

"Don't ever touch me. Don't ever touch me."

Finally, this lady has to be the filthiest news reporter ever.

Is it me, or is she miming a blow job?

My son was teething.

He used to like to take the bits out of my vibrating toothbrush

-and put it in his mouth.

-OK.

And just kind of sit there like, "Oh, yeah...that feels good...

"That hits the spot. My gums are itchy."

LAUGHTER

HE MOUTHS

The big political news was of course this.

The Queen and dignitaries from around the world have attended

the ceremonial funeral of Baroness Thatcher.

Her coffin was taken from the Palace of Westminster this morning

through the streets of London.

In a funeral with full military honours for Britain's first

female prime minister.

Some people were sad...

It's always very sad when people die.

That was just... She was somebody special.

Some people, not so sad.

Thatcher is dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead!

Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! She's dead!

Wouldn't it be great if she came back to life just to piss him off?

LAUGHTER

Luckily, the news interviewed a sweet old granny.

I wonder what she had to say.

Don't you think she did any good?

Not a bit of good. Not a bit.

I'd put a stake through her heart and garlic round her neck

to make sure she never came back.

Holy shit, it's Frankie Boyle's nan!

-LAUGHTER

-It's fair to say Thatcher was a divisive woman.

The right loved her because she transformed the economy

and reduced the stranglehold of the trade unions,

whereas the left hated her because she ruined communities and condemned many to abject poverty.

Or, to put it in teenage speak...

Some people are like, "Oh, she's great,"

and some people are like, "Oh, she sucks."

LAUGHTER

Cheers, teenage boy!

Now we all understand(!)

Mind you, think he's bad, have a look at Channel 4's coverage.

They weren't afraid to focus on the big issues of Thatcher's reign.

You were very close to her.

I remember the stories

that she cooked omelettes for you upstairs in the flat.

My recollection is, they were shepherd's pies.

LAUGHTER

And her apple crumble was the bollocks!

LAUGHTER

Still, wittering on about cooking is nothing. Did you see CNN's coverage?

Of all the photos they could have selected to illustrate this story,

look at the one they went with.

Lady Thatcher, the Iron Lady, has died at the age of 87.

British reports say...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Shall we show her with the Queen?" "Nah, I've got just the photo."

LAUGHTER

Some people were so overjoyed with her death, they had death parties.

Thousands attended in places like Durham and Glasgow.

Fair to say it didn't exactly kick off here.

There's currently a street party in Barker's Pool.

Our political editor Len Tingle is there.

LAUGHTER

"Where's everyone else?"

One of the oddest details about the story

is what she was doing before she passed away.

She was watching dog videos on the internet!

It's kind of hard to imagine, isn't it?

Mind you, what a great way to go.

I can't think of a better way to die than watching this.

LAUGHTER

Ahhh...

Elsewhere in the news, Justin Bieber's been acting like a twat.

The Canadian pop star Justin Bieber has caused outrage

with comments he made at the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam.

The singer wrote in the guest book that...

I'm surprised he didn't write,

"It's great to finally visit

"the home of the world hide-and-seek champion."

LAUGHTER

Imagine him in the Black History Museum.

"Dear Martin Luther King, I had a dream, too.

"It was about a frog who was really bouncy!"

LAUGHTER

"She would have been a Belieber."

I must have missed the bit in her diary when she went,

"If I survive this awful war, I have one dream -

"I'd love to meet a man who looks like a chipmunk...

LAUGHTER

"..and wears trousers that make him look like he's done a massive shit."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"That's the dream."

Surely Beliebers are more likely to be Nazis.

Think about it - they worship a short bloke who talks bollocks and can't grow a proper moustache.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They've got nothing in common.

Here's what Anne Frank's diary looks like.

And here's Justin Bieber's.

LAUGHTER

From Bieber to the threat of nuclear war. It's all kicking off in Korea.

Tension on the Korean Peninsula is running at dangerous levels.

Kim Jong-un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,

but no-one can really second-guess how this crisis will play out.

North Korea has said it's planning to fire another missile over

the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.

Are you worried about the nuclear threat?

-AUDIENCE: No!

-Me neither. I've seen their rockets.

COUNTDOWN IN KOREAN

LAUGHTER

They've got nothing.

-APPLAUSE

-Literally nothing.

Check out their binoculars.

LAUGHTER

Their leader, Kim Jong-un,

has threatened to start a nuclear war, but no-one's worried, are we?

He's like the mad kid at school who makes things up.

"I've got missiles and rockets and a flame monkey with lasers for eyes

"and my dog is made of marshmallows and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't been invented yet

"and my dad's so cool, he wees Coca-Cola."

LAUGHTER

He calls himself the Supreme Leader.

That doesn't make him sound scary, it makes him sound like a pizza.

LAUGHTER

He's such an oddball. He cuts his own hair!

What with, a fucking rock?!

LAUGHTER

And have you noticed in every news report, he's always looking

through binoculars?

'With the situation close to thermonuclear war,

'foreigners in South Korea should evacuate.

'But if North Korea's European-educated leader is

'trying to scare them, it doesn't seem to have worked.'

He always looks really confused.

There's always that moment when he goes...

LAUGHTER

I think I know why he's pulling that face.

MARTIAL MUSIC

LOUD CLANGING

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a scary old place, North Korea.

It's like something out of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

The people are brainwashed, terrified.

Every time you see them on the news, they've clearly been forced to say something against their will.

HE GIBBERS

But I actually got hold of a machine which tells you what

they're REALLY thinking.

LAUGHTER

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

I like that.

Have you seen their military propaganda videos?

They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do - leaping, jumping,

leaping through fire. It's true. Take a look at this.

STIRRING MUSIC

LAUGHTER

Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.

You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.

MARTIAL ARTS-TYPE YELLING

HE YELLS

HE YELLS

UNZIPPING

# Baby, baby, baby... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE YELLS

From America, some shocking news about a teacher.

A California middle school teacher has been placed on leave after

school administrators found out she is a hardcore porn star.

LAUGHTER

The teacher is a porn star!

"Good day at school?" "The best ever!"

LAUGHTER

"What did you learn?" "So much!"

Did you see... Did you see how she got caught?

Some of her students were looking at dirty movies online

and saw their science teacher.

What a woman! Imagine trying to control that class now.

"Why haven't you done your homework?" "Cos I was staring at your clunge all night."

LAUGHTER

"Flappin' it about like no-one cares!"

So are the parents disgusted? Oh, no, check out this hound!

She's a really good teacher.

Oooeerrgh!

LAUGHTER

Ohhh!

How creepy does he sound?

"She's a really good teacher.

"I don't even have kids."

"But I know a good teacher when I see one sucking dick."

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you think porn stars teaching kids is a shocking story,

it's got NOTHING on the HORROR going on in British schools.

Finally, they've done something about this!

A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,

saying they're too dangerous.

Dinner staff at Castle View School, Canvey Island,

were told to cut the treat into squares or rectangles

after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.

So ridiculous. In America, kids are like, AK47.

Over here, Mr Kipling.

LAUGHTER

Flapjacks! Reckon there's kids bragging outside school?

"I got suspended."

"What for?" "I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong."

LAUGHTER

"I didn't give a fuck!"

School's really changed.

When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.

Now they're giving you snacks!

LAUGHTER

"You'd better watch out, Howard,

"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."

"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography -

"you is gonna have a well bad sugar crash!"

LAUGHTER

So I bet the parents thought this story was ridiculous, right?

Clearly this is a very dangerous implement that should be locked away

and kept out of the way of children, because obviously there's

going to be quite a few injuries with something as dangerous as that.

LAUGHTER

It's a fucking flapjack!

I think we should be less worried about flapjacks

and more worried about who their new PE teacher is.

There are so many stories like this in England, though.

Have you seen what's happening in Swindon?

They've been painting the town yellow in the last few days to stop

drivers parking in Swindon's backstreets and alleyways.

But wait till you see the latest one they have painted.

This is now a no-parking zone,

even though you couldn't drive down it.

It's so pointless. It's like putting up a sign on the M6 that says,

"Please do not play Jenga in the fast lane."

LAUGHTER

Do you know who I feel sorry for?

People who get pissed and fall asleep on the road.

The big football news was of course this.

Luis Suarez has apologised tonight for biting

Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic during their match at Anfield.

Midway through the second half

of Liverpool's Premier League match against Chelsea, Suarez,

seemingly unprovoked,

appears to bite Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic.

Everyone's gone mental.

"He's an animal." "He should be deported." Come on, it's a one-off.

It's not like he's ever done this before.

He was banned for seven matches for biting an opponent's shoulder

whilst playing for Ajax.

OK, once, but...

You should be aware Russell Howard supports Liverpool Football Club

and suffers from a condition called Suarez Blindness,

which means he loves him so much, he often talks complete bollocks.

LAUGHTER

He wasn't biting him, he was giving him a kiss!

Branislav Ivanovic probably smeared himself

in Reggae Reggae sauce.

He wasn't biting him, he was doing an impression of a vampire!

He loves him! That's what you do in Uruguay when you love someone! You people don't understand!

When you and I see Ivanovic, we see THIS!

Poor Luis Suarez sees THIS!

He can't help it! Luis Suarez is a saint!

He runs a soccer camp in America

that teaches underprivileged kids how to play!

And I bet they love it!

LAUGHTER

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Mind you, it's definitely going to change the half-time adverts.

All right, Russ?

All right, Russ, man! Check out THESE odds.

LAUGHTER

This is the part of the show I genuinely know nothing about.

It's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.

So please welcome our mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Russell.

-Hiya, man!

Lovely! You look like you're in a hollowed-out polar bear bollock.

LAUGHTER

-Can I sit in mine?

-Of course you can.

-Thanks, man.

-Nice to meet you. Isn't it comfy in here?

-It's really comfortable.

-What's your name?

-Andy Dunlop.

-Andy, nice to meet you, man.

-And you've got some medals there. Can I have a look?

-Course you can.

-The medals have got chickens on them.

-They have.

Which implies you are either criminally insane or...

-LAUGHTER

-..you are very good at looking after chickens.

-Yup.

-Is that what you do? You look after chickens?

I do look after chickens.

I've got a cockerel and nine wives, all called Beryl.

-He's got nine wives?

-Yep.

That's all right! Are they actually married? Have you done little chicken weddings?

-Yeah, they've all been married properly.

-Have they?

-Oh, yes.

LAUGHTER WOMAN: Awww!

Don't "Awwww!" That's...

LAUGHTER

-Were you dressed as a vicar when you did the service?

-No.

Oh, you son of a bitch! You got me then.

So is that why you've been in the news, cos you're...?

No, it's not because of chicken weddings.

It's because I'm an international sportsman.

You're an international sportsman? OK, er...

-Do you throw chickens?

-No. LAUGHTER

-Catch?

-No.

-Compete against?

-No.

-Shall I give you my job title?

-I would very much like that.

I'm the world president of the World Egg Throwing Federation.

-Wow!

-LAUGHTER

And how far could you fling an egg?

Well, personally, I can't throw one very far

because I've got an old tossing injury.

The world record for throwing and catching an egg

is held by the Dutch couple of Smink and Kooistra,

who can throw and catch a raw egg without breaking it 69.5 metres.

-Wow! Are they here tonight?

-No.

-Lazy bastards!

-LAUGHTER

-Probably at home making a friggin' porno film.

Here's a question for you - does it not really piss off the chickens?

LAUGHTER

I've not ever laid an egg myself

but I imagine it takes something out of you.

-They make a hell of a noise.

-HE CLUCKS LOUDLY

"Fuckin' egg!" And then you come along and go, "Cheers for that."

LAUGHTER

Fuckin' good one. Lay another one.

"I don't want to lay another one."

-So why are you in the news exactly? Do you mind if I ask?

-Not at all.

I was the team captain of England.

We went to India and we beat the Indians at Russian Egg Roulette.

Russian Egg Roulette. That's worth a round of applause! Fantastic!

What kind of egg-based fun are we going to have?

We're going to show you some of the games that we play

at the world championships.

Let's egg on!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ANDY LAUGHS

OK, Russell, you've got six eggs in front of you.

Five of them are hard-boiled, one's raw.

You've got to distinguish which one it is without touching it.

The first egg you touch, you've got to use...

LAUGHTER ..and to prove it's the hard-boiled egg,

you've got to smash it onto your own forehead.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

The way we operate this

at the height of the World Egg Throwing Championships is,

-we use Reiki. Have you heard of Reiki?

-I have, yeah.

That's where you can feel the life force...

-You use it to get rid of the leave-ies.

-LAUGHTER

You can use Reiki to identify the life force

by placing your hand above the egg

and feeling round to see which one's got the life force coming off it.

Do you want to practise that?

-You don't advise doing this when it's still in the chicken.

-No.

LAUGHTER

-Do you feel the difference?

-Oh, I can, you know!

-You can?

-Yeah.

Excellent. I'll show you how it's done, first of all.

Just spin it so we don't know which one's which.

HAHHHH!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

GGGHHHAAA!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're doing well, but you might want to try the other method,

which is aura-watching. Every living creature's got an aura.

Well, if you look across the eggs,

you can see the raw one's got a light-blue aura.

-OK?

-While we're here, have you seen the aura on Dora the Explorer?

LAUGHTER

HAAA!

APPLAUSE

Oh, shit.

LAUGHTER

SCREAMS OF LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Next up, have a look at this story from a zoo in Spain.

This one has people talking tonight. Gina is a naughty chimp.

She lives in a zoo in Spain and apparently is addicted to porn.

LAUGHTER

That's right, you heard right.

There is a lady monkey in Spain

who spends all day touching herself watching porn.

LAUGHTER

Did you see what her neighbours thought?

Imagine her on a nature documentary.

David Attenborough - "Here we see the mighty monkey

"flicking herself off like a banshee."

LAUGHTER

"She's gone through ten bananas today,

"but she hasn't eaten any of them!"

I know what you're thinking -

how does a monkey become addicted to porn?

Somebody was doing some research and put a TV outside of the enclosure.

The TV has a remote

and she would change it to a channel that had adult entertainment on it.

They put a telly outside her cage and SHE switched it to porn.

And apparently, she was watching some pretty freaky stuff!

Do you know the worst thing?

She's been teaching the other monkeys to watch porn.

Some people were shocked. This guy didn't mind it.

She's a really good teacher.

LAUGHTER

Next up, if you think you've got a weird relationship, check this out.

It was love at first sight.

His body and then his interior

and everything together just seemed to fit

and I just felt an instant connection.

Nathaniel is in a committed relationship with a car that

he's named Chase.

AUDIENCE: Eurgh!

He's in love with his car.

-He must lose his shit watching Top Gear, just...

-HE MOANS

"Look at its hubcaps."

Poor car! Just sat in the showroom.

"Tell you what, lads, can't wait to be bought.

"Driving really fast on motorways, picking up wom... Oh!

"There's something in my exhaust pipe."

LAUGHTER

I can see the Churchill dog in the back window going, "Oh, no..."

Poor car! I bet every time he honks the horn he just goes, "Help!"

"HEEEELLLPPP!"

That car isn't even red, it's just fucking blushing!

LAUGHTER

"HEELLLPPP!"

What's he doing shagging a car?

I mean, he's got a female flatmate, for goodness' sake!

My initial reaction was, I was kinda shocked.

I'll take the car.

-The weirdest...

-LAUGHTER

The weirdest part of the story is his confession to his dad.

-There's something pretty important I want to talk to you about.

-All right.

I'm, uh...just going to come out and say it, I guess.

I'm in an intimate relationship with Chase.

Sexually and emotionally.

You're in an intimate relationship with your car.

-LAUGHTER

-His dad is totally fine! It goes on for ten minutes.

They have a chat - "Yeah, cool!"

Here's how that would have gone down with MY old man.

Guess what, Dad? I'm shagging the car.

You fucking...!

LAUGHTER

Why can't you be more like your brother?!

All right, Dad?

HE GRUNTS

Yeah, that was my actual brother.

LAUGHTER

Next up, a lovely story about a magical friendship

between a boy called Owen and a dog called Haatchi.

These two have a magical connection.

-Owen and Haatchi are inseparable.

-He changed my life.

I was scared for ages before, but now I'm not.

Their bond has been forged through a mutual understanding of what

it's like to be different.

Seven-year-old Owen has a rare genetic condition called

Schwartz-Jampel Syndrome. It causes severe muscle stiffness.

We believe there's about 25-ish cases in the world.

His mobility is poor. He can't walk unaided.

Anatolian Shepherd Haatchi has three legs.

A previous owner tied him to a railway track

and he was hit by a train.

-WOMAN:

-As soon as I saw his face,

there was a connection that I can't describe, really,

but I just knew that we belonged to him.

Owen knows Haatchi's different. Haatchi's got this missing leg.

He's not perfect. He's not normal. He's not a normal dog.

You can see when you look at them

from a distance, there's sideways glances going on all the time.

And they're sharing very private,

intimate moments every few seconds and making sure each one's OK

and that they're there for each other.

And that is the most moving thing about it.

He's a great dog to me. He changed my life.

Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

Now, it's stand-up time. My guest is a big star in the US.

He's had two Comedy Central specials,

and you might recognise him from Flight Of The Conchords.

He's flown over especially to do the show,

so please welcome the wonderful Eugene Mirman!

Hello! How are you?

I like to play a game

whenever I go to the supermarket with my girlfriend

where I try to think of something that I can yell to her

that makes everybody there think that she's crazy.

And we were there and I was by the cart,

and she was 20 feet away and I yelled to her, "You know what?

"I am going to get toilet paper. I don't think it's a waste."

LAUGHTER

And then everybody looks at her like she's some crazy toilet paper vegan.

I got a wake-up call - not like "Stop doing heroin!"...

LAUGHTER

..But like in a hotel, where normally what happens is,

you answer the phone and they're like

"Wake up, you asked for this", and you're like, "Boo, OK."

At this hotel, I answered the phone and they went "It's May 5th, 2012."

Why are you telling me the year?

What do you think I did last night...

that I don't know what year it is?

Unless it's like a coma-only hotel

where people wake up and they're like, "Why is the TV so flat?"

"Because it's 2012. They're all flat."

Often, when I'm touring, before a show

I'll have a lot of time to kill, so I'll sit at a bar and,

I don't know if you do it here, but in the States,

whenever you order a drink, they give you a napkin with your drink.

And I like to write a little note on the napkin

and then put it back at the bottom of the pile

so that in a few weeks, somebody gets a message from me.

I found a bunch of napkins that I wrote a ton of stuff on,

but never put back in the pile, that I wanted to share with you.

So here we go.

Here they are.

"Cheer up, fatty!"

"It's OK to lie to old people".

"This napkin gives you permission to talk about politics,

"even though you're drunk and uninformed."

"You can lead a horse to water. Congratulations, fuckface."

"You are an alchemist who can turn six beers

"into an awkward three-week relationship."

"You are."

"Don't shit where you sleep either.

And then of course, lastly, "Have a baby. It'll save your marriage."

Sad to get, but wonderful to leave.

I wrote a book. I wrote the shit out of it.

I wrote a book and then I went on a book tour

where you go to different bookstores and you read from your book.

It's very normal. It's prearranged. You don't startle people.

Sneak up behind...

And I found that in every bookstore in every city,

there was at least one crazy person. When I was in Seattle,

there was a woman who had been banned from the bookstore

for trying to scalp tickets to a free Stephen King reading.

They were like, "You can never come back".

And then they were like, "Well, you can come back for Eugene."

And so I was there and I was reading from my book,

and she had brought a cup of noodles from home

and she was eating it very angrily as I read.

And at some point in my book, I go "I'm Jewish, sorry".

And she stopped eating.

She gets really mad and she goes,

"Why did you apologise for being Jewish?"

She had never heard sarcasm.

And I went, "Because it's a terrible thing!"

Which horrified her, but really pleased me.

The thing that was amazing about this reading

was that there was this little 12-year-old boy in back,

and he pointed at me and went,

"Why is everybody looking at him and not at me? Oh, because he's funny."

Like that. It was very charming, but sort of weird.

And it turns out that this 12-year-old boy

was the son of someone who worked there and that he had Asperger's,

so he couldn't judge social situations.

He created rules and rituals for himself.

And then he pointed at me again and went,

"Why doesn't he accept me as his god?"

It was amazing.

What that little boy doesn't understand is that I do.

I do accept him as my god,

because I've always found the specificity of religion confusing.

If you're Jewish, you have to wear a hat,

but only in the middle of your head.

But it all becomes clear

once you realise that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

No wonder he's like "You can't eat pigs and you can't eat horses!"

"I wasn't going to". "Good, because you can't."

No wonder he was like, "I fucked up the Earth.

"I should probably get two of every animal on a boat.

"That's the only solution I see."

Religion - it's not only faith, it's high-functioning autism.

So I moved about a year ago, and when I moved to a new apartment,

I had to get cable, phone and internet all provided by one company.

So I moved and then you make an appointment with that company

to come between winter solstice and summer solstice, and you just wait.

And I had made an appointment and they were supposed to come

between 10am and 5pm, and I'm waiting and waiting.

At 5pm, I called them and I'm like

"Hey, we made a deal that you would come"

and they were like "Oh! We entered the information wrong.

"We're not coming. We're coming in two weeks".

I was like, "Why didn't you call?" And they were like, "Nah-ha!"

And so two weeks later, I'm waiting and I call every few hours

and I'm like "Are you guys coming?" and they're like "Of course we are.

"Who would ever skip out twice?" And I'm like, "I don't know."

So I'm calling and calling and finally I get a call from them

like "Yeah, the guy tried to call your cellphone and you didn't answer,

"so we're not coming. We're coming again in two weeks".

I was like "You people are monsters. I work from home.

"I need my internet and telephone and stuff".

And they're like "Yeah, well, we hate you, and nothing matters to us.

"Money isn't even an incentive". And I was like "I don't know what to do".

What can you do to a giant company

that clearly couldn't care less and has a monopoly?

So I thought about it, and I was like "I could write them a letter,

"but they would probably just put it in a pile of letters

"that they laugh at before they go to sleep, just giggling at customers".

So I decided I would write them a letter,

but I wouldn't send it to them.

I would just take out full-page ads in New York newspapers.

So this is the New York press. I took out a full-page ad that I bought.

Here it is. Here is the full page ad

of a letter to Time Warner Cable...

..the company that I was so disappointed with.

So here's my letter to Time Warner Cable.

"Dear Time Warner Cable, on April 23rd,

"I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable

"to come and install cable, internet and phone service,

"and no-one showed up. When I called,

"I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th

"without anyone calling me. No big deal.

"Why would a company check with someone

"to see if they're home on a Wednesday afternoon?

"Of course they are. Everyone is.

"Name one person who isn't home on Wednesday afternoon.

"You can't. It's impossible, because everyone is home.

"It would be a waste of money and resources to call and talk to him."

"Did Stalin ever call people

"before he arrested them and sent them to die in a Siberian war camp?

"No. Why should Time Warner Cable

"have a policy that is any different from Stalin's?"

"Did you know that on Yelp,

"Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars?

"That's less stars than Jeffrey Dahmer, who killed and ate people.

"Maybe even had sex with their skulls - I don't really know.

"Obviously, what I'm saying is untrue,

"because Yelp does not review serial killers.

"But if they did, his baba ghanoush would be better than yours

"if you both made baba ghanoush, even if his drugged and murdered people.

"Sorry, that got weird. Fuck you.

"I just made you read that confusing thing.

"To give you an idea of how much I dislike your company,

"I have come up with plagues

"I hope God smites your board of directors with.

"I know he will only do this if you enslave the Jews,

"but considering you have a monopoly in New York City, you already have.

"Here are the plagues.

"Awkward - every board member's cellphone rings loudly

"and announces their weight and also the day they will die.

"Bathroom - the constant feeling you have to go number two,

"but completely forgetting how.

"And lastly, popcorn.

"Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn.

"It's not that bad at first, but eventually,

"I bet it will be maddening!"

"Sincerely, Eugene Mirman and every one of your customers. Thanks."

So lastly, I wanted to talk about Facebook.

We tell Facebook everything there is to know about ourselves -

our favourite movies, bands, where we're from,

who our friends are, our favourite books.

And it takes all of that information and makes ads designed exactly at us.

These are some of the ads that started coming up for me.

Here's one.

"Sell gold canyon candles. Earn great commissions and discounts

"by hosting your own gold canyon candle party".

I am not fooled by this house made of one dollar bills.

Here's another one that came up for me. "Consider donating sperm?

"Earn great money, commit minimal time". You don't know!

I don't know what band I like that somebody decided

"This guy needs 50, and fast."

This is the ad that broke me.

This is the ad that made me go "How does Facebook advertising work?

"In home pet euthanasia.

"Say goodbye to your four-legged friend

"in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Cremation."

This is not a friend, this is a service

where they will come to your house

and they will murder and burn your cat.

They will gather the family.

They will murder your cat and they will set it on fire until it's ashes.

And then you have to be like "Did I pay my cat murder burn bill?

"I can't remember."

This made me go "OK, how do Facebook ads work?"

So I decided to take out a bunch of ads

and direct them at different people.

Each ad was seen about 10,000 to 15,000 times.

I spent 15-20 on each one, and they got about eight hits,

so not very effective.

But some people definitely saw it, in the thousands. So here are the ads.

"No more sad face! Your problems are dumb. Click here to agree."

I directed that at people who are 18 to 19 years old,

in Brooklyn, New York, who like Wilco and Belle and Sebastian.

"Do you like hockey?

"Get a 20% discount on hookers when you're in Spain!"

I directed that at people in Quebec, Canada, 35 to 40,

who like hockey and Belle and Sebastian.

"Stop feeling weird.

"Do you hate making eye contact with disabled people?

"Click here to start loving it!"

I directed that, of course, to people any age in Florida...

who like Real Housewives Of Orange County.

And I got, like, eight clicks.

So eight people saw it and were like "I would like to stop feeling weird."

And I know their favourite TV show.

This, I'll tell you who I directed it at first.

Boys, 13 to 14, anywhere in the United States,

who like Deal Or No Deal or Howie Mandel.

There's about 12,340 boys that that fits.

Here's the ad I took out that they saw. "Afraid to talk to girls? Good!

"Most girls kill and eat boys.

"No-one talks about it because they're too scared.

"Click here to take poison to avoid being eaten!"

Who could they turn to?

This is the last one I took out. "You tried to kiss me!

"I will call the police unless you click here and give me 40!"

I directed that, of course, at people 52 to 55 in Saudi Arabia

who like Beverly Hills Cop. And right here it says fewer than 20.

So that means it reaches, like, ten people.

But the ad was seen about 3,000 times.

So ten people saw it 300 times.

So now matter how much they were like "Repetitive, don't like",

"No! You tried to kiss me! Give me 40".

"Repetitive". "You tried to kiss me!"

Thank you all so very, very much.

I've been Eugene Mirman.

You are lovely.

Good night, England, and your colonies.

Ladies and gentlemen, Eugene Mirman!

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd