Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

And welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

The BBC interviewed the worst Boris Johnson lookalike ever.

I've always had concerns about...

LAUGHTER

Did you see the moment a bloke turned into a horse on the news?

You can't sit on your balcony...

SNORT

My award for awkward handshake of the week goes to these guys.

Thank you very much indeed. Bear with us for a second.

Here's a question.

Did anyone else see Gollum having a shit on the news?

Mind you, if you think that's shocking, what the hell is going on

underneath this blanket?

..where it's a fair bit colder, especially since they turned

their central heating off 12 months ago...

APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on? Well, the big economic news was this.

The UK economy has avoided a triple dip recession after it grew

by 0.3% in the first three months of the year.

Yay! 0.3%!

# We're in the money! Come on, honey! #

I bet everyone was excited, right?

The analogy that I would draw, it's a bit like finding out

at a fair that your child's won a lollipop.

It's good news, but it won't change your life.

Cheers, Dr Doom!

"Dad, I've won a lollipop."

"Yeah, well, you're adopted."

Did you watch the BBC coverage? They treat us like idiots.

Look at the location they chose to illustrate economic growth.

After an awful winter, signs of growth. And not just in the garden.

A garden centre! Look, everyone!

The economy is growing, just like trees grow.

Christ, what would they show if we were still in recession?

The UK economy is flatlining, just like this guy.

Argh!

Back to you in the studio.

One of the most fascinating parts of the story -

did you see one of the reasons why we're out of recession?

According to latest research...

Well, I am about to put productivity in Britain through the roof.

LAUGHTER

Shall we call that 0.4%?

I'm making changes!

How does that make you want to work hard?

All that makes me want to do is find a cat and put him on a toilet.

If you're going to Google that, here's a tip.

Don't write slippery pussy.

It's, er... It's a very different...

APPLAUSE

Staying in the world of finance,

over in Ireland, a great story about winning the lottery.

The country's newest Lotto millionaire has said he'll be back

at work on Monday, despite winning 1.2 million euro over the weekend.

Luckily, he did an interview

so we all know what it feels like to win the lottery.

BABBLING: I was with Anne-Marie in the car and we were chatting

and I look up at the Lotto sign...

"God, I haven't done the Lotto in a long time..."

No idea.

SPEAKING FAST: She looked at me and looked up at the clock

and said, "Get back in here quick, in the bed..."

INCOHERENT BABBLING

Uh-huh.

Then we looked at the ticket and of course Anne-Marie thought it was...

INCOHERENT BABBLING

..she had her examination there and we read the numbers and looked

and she says, "What, dear? What's wrong?" And I said,

"I'm going to tell you something..."

Well, that's that cleared up.

Did you hear about this?

A local council candidate for UKIP is facing criticism after

allegedly posting a series of anti-gay comments on Facebook.

John Sullivan is accused of writing

that regular physical exercise in schools can prevent homosexuality.

Exercise stops you being gay?

How does that work? "I love cock so much."

"Mmm, tits!"

APPLAUSE

Exercise stops you from being gay. That is bullshit.

Shall I tell you why, my friends? Two words.

Louie Spence.

He is amazingly fit and I don't know if you've noticed this about him...

LAUGHTER

..but when it comes to vagina, he ain't a diner.

He don't lunge...

for the clunge.

You're having a howler

if you think he likes growler.

It's bollocks, isn't it?

Some exercise can put you off sex altogether.

AUDIENCE GROAN

Not that it's all bad news.

Over in America, there's been a special birthday.

YouTube, the video sharing website, is eight years old today.

From modest beginnings as the brainchild of three men having dinner

in a flat in California, it's grown into a worldwide phenomenon.

God bless YouTube! It's given us so much. Pandas sneezing,

grannies dancing

and tender family moments like a baby's first steps.

WOMAN LAUGHS

Yay!

Oh, no!

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN

No...

AUDIENCE GROAN AND APPLAUD

Thanks, YouTube.

Over at Sky News,

they highlighted the most terrifying threat affecting mankind.

All the snow and ice of recent months may have melted away,

but its effects could mean a tough summer ahead for hay fever sufferers.

NOOOOOO!

Some of us are going to get hay fever!

Did you see some of the horrific side-effects of this

heartbreaking disease?

I get streamy eyes, a runny nose and a sore throat as well.

I have to take some drugs for it. It's quite debilitating.

It can last a day or so.

A DAY!

Holy shit, a day with a runny nose!

IS THERE NO GOD?!

People are dying in Syria, fuck that, that guy's got the snuffles!

It's such a pathetic disease, isn't it?

Bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down your face.

"Who did this to you?"

"Flowers.

"They were too powerful."

It gets better.

Did you see the graphic that Sky used to explain hay fever?

Take a look. It's like they're treating us like kids.

One in five people in the UK suffer from hay fever.

It's caused by an allergic reaction to pollen.

The sneezing man says, "Achoo!"

Now we all understand.

Christ, what do they do for bowel problems?

Or STDs.

Next up, and who would have thunk it,

but plastic surgery is bad for you.

A major review into the UK's cosmetics industry has warned

that injections used to plump up the skin are a crisis waiting to happen.

Fillers are treated too casually and could go horribly wrong.

You're telling me.

You went for the cheap option and it backfired horribly.

Buy cheap, buy twice, my mum always said.

It looks really painful.

It was agonising, to be honest. I'm not going to downplay it.

Holy shit.

Looks like a gibbon's arsehole.

She looks as if she's been on a date with Chris Brown.

GROANING

Let's not forget...

He is, of course, an arsehole.

"Woman, that's not how you pronounce umbrella!" Now...

What I don't understand - why do women want big lips?

I've never heard a bloke go, "What do I like in a woman?

"I like it when they look like they're kissing a window."

It's madness. I've never caught a trout and gone,

"Fucking hell, he's all right.

"Let's hope fish do have a five-second memory." Thwop! Now...

GROANING

Women are beautiful things. You don't need to change your body.

It's like women who have their anuses bleached. Yeah.

What, are there men going,

"She's pretty, clever and funny but her arsehole's mauve"?

You know me, guys - I like mahogany sapphire.

Trust me, ladies.

If you let a guy bum you, he's not bothered about the colour.

He's not going down there with a Dulux colour chart.

"I'm terribly sorry, Cynthia, it's the wrong shade.

"Let's call the whole thing off."

I'm not against all plastic surgery. Did you hear about this?

Now, THAT would be amazing!

Here you go, sir. Three pints.

Cheers, mate.

HE STRAINS

APPLAUSE

In world news,

the French president got a lovely gift from the people of Mali.

An official in Mali presented

the President of France, Francois Hollande, with a camel

in gratitude for France's fight against Islamic militants in Mali.

Unfortunately, he couldn't take the camel back

so he left it in Mali for safekeeping.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

I wonder how the camel got on.

He left the animal with a family in Mali who said

they'd watch it, but shortly after Hollande left Mali

the family slaughtered the camel and used it to make a stew.

They ate his camel! "Yeah, yeah, bye!

"Yeah, we'll look after your camel, yeah!"

# I feel like camel tonight! Like camel tonight! #

They ate his camel.

Do you reckon he called back?

"Are you all right? What?

"How's your camel doing? Oh, yeah, he's great, yeah...

"Yeah, I'll just put him on the phone.

"Nnnnnyaaaah!"

"I'm having a great time!"

"Nobody's eaten me, I'm not dead!"

Still, the people of Mali need all the help they can get.

Have you heard about their army?

If you think budget cuts in this country are tough, have a look

what their troops have to put up with.

Due to a lack of ammunition,

the Mali soldiers have to use their imagination instead.

"Boom! Boom, boom, boom!"

They can't afford bullets so they have to pretend.

"Bang, bang! Bang! This isn't working, call in the air force."

Just one bloke, "Nyyeeeaaaah!"

Gosh, what do their tanks look like, this?

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I'd love to see the arguments when they're training.

"Bang, bang, you're dead, 50 bullets in your head."

"I'm not dead - my leg was off the floor

"and I'm wearing an invisible cloak that repels bullets.

"So jog on, Ibrahim."

Also, what if you can't do the noise? Imagine that. "Eh, eh, eh.

"Eh, eh, eh." Just a load of sheep, "Someone say my name?"

Still, it could be worse.

Look what their search and rescue team have to put up with.

"Arrrggghhh!"

GROANING

Mind you, if you think the Mali Army are having a hard time,

check out what's happening to the Germans.

I'm not making this up. Look at this.

Soldiers with tits.

That would really freak out the enemy, wouldn't it?

"OK, men, ready, aim... Fuck me!"

Imagine that on the battlefield.

"Stand still or I swear to God I'll motorboat you."

"How did he look when he died?" "Really happy."

One thing you can guarantee, if this happens to our soldiers

it's really going to affect training drills.

Gentlemen, not all of you will survive

but those that do will have...

Do you want to fucking pay attention?

Oh, fellas, come on.

They're just a massive pair of tits.

Guys, they're just huge whammers, what's wrong with you people?

THAT...

That is the best sketch we've ever done. I... I had those...

APPLAUSE

I had those boobs for a week, they were amazing.

Back in Blighty, scandal has hit the world of horse racing.

British horseracing has been hit by its biggest ever doping scandal

after 11 horses from the Godolphin stable were found to have been

drugged with banned steroids.

Horses are on roids.

What are they going to look like, this?

Mind you, let's see a jockey try and whip him.

"Midget, you touch me again, I'll put my hoof up your ass!"

Apparently they knew something was wrong

when the horses ran the race with the jockey in his arms.

Just, "Get out of the fucking way!"

"Arrrrgggh!"

Tell you what, if this catches on it's really going to change gyms.

To be honest, it could have been worse.

With the size of their noses, imagine if they had been on coke.

"Awww, man! We should jump some fences and do a rodeo

"and write a novel and move to France and take up hang gliding

"and start a restaurant and make an album and go to Mars...

"I'm off my fucking hooves!"

To be honest, it's not horses on roids you want to worry about.

Some of them are on acid.

MUSIC: "Everywhere" by Fleetwood Mac

And it didn't end well for that fella.

APPLAUSE

Not that it's the only animal story in the news.

Did you see this belter about a bloke from Wales

that fought a shark?

A Welsh grandfather who helped wrestle a shark

away from children on a beach in Australia -

you may have seen the footage - he's been sacked from his job

after his employers saw the incident on television.

Basically, he was away from work on sick leave and

while he was on holiday, he saved some kids from a shark.

His boss saw it on telly and sacked him.

You can't sack him, he's amazing!

Is this not the most incredible description of a shark attack ever?

I'm there, you know, enjoying the sunshine

and all of a sudden you get this scream of, "Help! Shark!"

And there's this beautiful shark.

And it's an absolutely beautiful specimen.

The trouble is that sharks and young people don't mix.

"I said it. I don't care who knows.

"Sharks, children - not a good idea."

He's brilliant. Listen...

Listen to what he thought when he met the shark.

When I see his mouth wide open, his jaws wide open,

and I'm looking at them teeth, I think to myself...

"Am I going to die?

"How will I be remembered?"

"Why the hell have you got so many teeth?"

"I said, 'Fucking hell, man, he looked like Luis Suarez!'"

Imagine him in Jaws.

-How much better would that film be?

-HE HUMS JAWS THEME

"Oi, Dreyfuss, look at the molars on this bastard!

"You want to get down a dentist, bud."

From fighting sharks to a sexy thief.

If you've decided you have to steal a sex toy,

you might as well steal the most extravagant one you can.

According to the AP, an armed robber in Brazil made off from a swanky

adult store with a 4,000, 18-carat gold-plated vibrator on Wednesday.

He stole a four-grand golden vibrator.

You're probably thinking, "Wow, some lucky lady is going to enjoy that."

Not really.

"I'm going to give you the evening of your life... Oh, bollocks."

Never mind, we'll just do what they do in Mali. "Brrrrrrr..."

APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who has been in the news.

I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING

-Hello. How are you?

-I'm all right, thank you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-All right, thank you.

-What's your name?

-Lauren.

-Lauren, I'm Russell.

-I see you have Albert Einstein here.

-Yes.

-So, presumably it has something to do with the mind.

-Yes.

-OK.

What could it be?

Are you one of those unfortunate people in life

that has...no brain?

-Funnily enough, no.

-"No..."

Is it something to do with this?

This looks a bit like a crystal ball type thing.

-Are you a Mystic Meg type figure?

-No.

-Can you see into the future?

-I wish.

-You wish?

-That'd be good.

-Predict. You never know, you might get it right.

What will happen tomorrow? What will happen tomorrow in that lady's life?

I'll put my hand on her head, see if you can guess.

Touch me, touch me so it makes sense.

What's going to happen? What's going to happen? Go!

You're going to get a bus somewhere.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

You're like a wizard!

It's going to be so awkward if you get hit by a bus tomorrow.

"Oh, my dreams... Arrgh!"

So, are you a member of Mensa?

Are you one of the wisest girls in the country?

-Yeah, that's pretty much what it is.

-That's it?

So why have you been in the news?

I was in the news for being a 16-year-old with an IQ

higher than Albert Einstein.

Really? Oh, come on, that's amazing!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're like...

"Yeah, whatever.

"Sometimes I can get a tea bag, throw it across the room

"and it lands in a cup, so... we've all got skills."

Aaaahh!

-What's your IQ?

-161.

-What's that loser's?

-Um, it was only predicted, but 160.

-It was only predicted?

-Yeah.

-Smells like bullshit, honey.

-Who predicted that?

-I'm not sure.

You should know that, surely.

-I probably should!

-What's it like being really clever?

It must be fantastic. Are you cleverer than your mum?

She'd like me to say no but I'd like to think yeah.

You know those signs that say "Please don't go on the grass"?

-Yeah.

-How do they get there?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you ever done anything stupid?

Because you're wise, do you ever wig out and do silly things?

-I'm always doing stupid things.

-Like what?

Well, one of the main things is I constantly burn myself when...

I was thinking more like, "Oh, I dress up dogs," not self-harm!

"I don't know the answers! I don't know the answers!"

-No, like...

-Don't attack yourself with a Bunsen burner,

you'll learn new things.

I was curling my hair in the mirror and it looked

the opposite way so I rolled it into my head rather than out!

That's lovely.

Have you had a lot of media attention with your wise mind?

Um, yeah, it's all been really overwhelming.

-I was on Twitter last night...

-Nice. One sec.

-HE BURPS

-Carry on.

I'm gassy, I'm gassy.

I'm just... Baby got gas.

-It's fine, I've got a dad.

-You've got a dad?

Showoff!

Clever and you hate orphans.

So you were on Twitter last night?

Yeah, and I tweeted, "Oh, I'm so bored."

And Edwina Currie tweeted me back saying,

-"Don't be bored, sweetheart, read a book, preferably mine."

-Really?

-What did you say back?

-I just re-tweeted it.

"Edwina, what was it like sucking off John Major?"

-Did you not know that?

-No.

-I did.

Oh, yes.

How have you dealt with all this media attention?

Most of it's been really positive, so it's been nice.

I've had a few negative things -

some woman was like,

"Oh, you're doing well but get rid of those ratty hair extensions,"

and I thought, "It's my real hair."

GROANING

Why did she say that?

It was on one of the newspaper articles on the internet,

-and then you can comment on it and stuff.

-Oh, really?

Fuck, what a bunch of tools. It's so weird, isn't it?

Particularly on the Daily Mail,

there was once a thing on the Daily Mail comments.

Kerry Katona was trying to move a cupboard, right,

and she put it in her car and it wouldn't fit and, amazingly,

this was a story in the Daily Mail.

Somebody wrote underneath, in capital letters,

"I've said it before, I'll say it again, Katona - get a van."

My friend Carl has got no hair. Carl, come here.

-Can I just grab your hair? Is that all right?

-Go for it.

-Come here.

He'd kill...

He'd kill for that and...

APPLAUSE

-People should never take hair for granted.

-Don't.

Cherish it while you have it, that's my advice.

-Tell you what, life doesn't get weirder than that, does it?

-No.

I bet you thought when you woke up this morning

you'd never have a bald man lean there.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, did you hear about this?

Rugby player Danny Cipriani has been discharged from hospital.

He was kept in overnight after being hit by a bus during a night out

in Leeds yesterday.

Did you see what he did to the bus?

He fucked it up!

How hard is he?!

He was released from hospital the next day,

the bus is still in intensive care.

Apparently he got pissed and ran in the road.

When I'm pissed I like a bit of a dance, he's like,

"I want to play Froggy."

Imagine the passengers. "Oh, my God, we've hit someone. I hope he's OK.

"What?

"He's the bloke that goes out with Kelly Brook? Reverse it."

IMITATES REVERSING NOISE

Sorry, Danny.

Mind you, you've got to feel sorry for Danny Cipriani.

He's a professional rugby player, he's played for England.

What was Daily Star's front cover?

It doesn't matter what he does, it's always about her.

"Danny Cipriani's found the cure for cancer!

"Check out Kelly's bangers."

Next up, a lovely story about a man in India who created a school

under a bridge.

Indian shopkeeper Rajesh Kumar Sharma

has set up a school under a busy railway bridge in New Delhi.

The outdoor classroom consists of three blackboards

painted on walls, and rugs for the children to sit on.

Around 40 pupils aged between four and 12 attend the unusual classroom

for two hours each day,

learning maths and basic reading and writing skills.

Many students are from impoverished families living in nearby slums

where schools are limited.

Rajesh, who provides all reading and writing materials for free,

one day hopes to build a real facility for the children.

There you go, what a dude.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, it's time for some stand-up.

Now, this lady is fantastic, wonderful.

Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Aisling Bea!

Hey!

Hello.

Hi, everyone. Are you all well?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

There you are. Oh, look at that.

The last time I saw my name written that many times

was on the wall of a toilet in the town that I'm from.

But look how far I've come. Hurray!

Which is also quite similar to something else that was

written on the wall of the toilet.

So, yay!

I am just delighted to be here, really.

I feel a bit like Niall Horan in One Direction, do you know what I mean?

For those of you who don't know, One Direction is like a group of

singing children made up entirely of fringes and inappropriate thoughts.

And Niall Horan is the Irish one and he is just so happy to be there,

because the group is made up of four angels and Niall,

and Niall is just a normal lad.

He is all of us and he is just so delighted to be there.

Like, you always see the camera panning across them all

and it's just like,

# You're insecure Don't know what for

# You're turning heads as you walk through the

# DOOR! #

Yeah! There is Niall at the end

and he is just not doing the same things as anyone else.

Just clicking away, winking, winking away. Winking is like Irish heroin.

"Argh!" We love that, do you know what I mean?

Everyone says, "Oh, Aisling, you shouldn't be so hard on Niall

"because he's, you know, the one in the group,"

but you know that he is hoovering up the poonani

that the pretty ones do not want.

"Just delighted to be here!"

I often have to go back to visit my mother in Ireland

and she thinks I live this crazy life in London

where I, like, brush my teeth with cocaine and wipe my ass with money,

do you know what I mean?

So she thinks that every time I go home to Ireland

she has to remind me about death. So I come in the door and I'm like,

"Hey, Mammy. How are you? Great to be home."

"Well, you'll never believe who's dead," and you're like...

"Mother, buzz kill, come on."

And then what ensues is what I can only describe

as a game of Death Guess Who?

Where I'm like, "I don't know who is dead, Mum. Oh, for...

"Does he have a moustache?"

"No."

"Fine. Does he wear a hat?" "Not any more."

And so when I go home, I like to use my acting for bad

so I go in the door and I'm like, "Hey, Mammy, how is it going?

"How's everything been?"

And she's like, "Well, you will never believe who is dead."

And at that stage I just go...

And I basically, I basically just fall to the floor dead.

A great way to teach children about death is with pets.

Psychologically, it is a great way to teach children about death.

So, you know like, you buy your child a hamster

and then after five years, when it is attached to it, you break its neck!

And then you go, "Right. Now I am going to teach you what is going to

"happen to granny very soon, do you know what I mean?

"And then you die and they die and the circle continues."

When I was growing up, we had this pet rabbit called Bubbles

and Bubbles, I thought, had a great life.

You know, just running around, pooing in our shoes.

I was like, "There is a guy who knows how to party."

But you never know what is going on inside someone's head, lads.

And one night, Bubbles got at his hutch

and he bit away at the wire in his hutch like this, until it sort of

came out in a long spear

and then he turned himself around, and he reversed his arsehole onto

that spear and it punctured every single organ on the way up.

They say he died of a broken heart in the end.

So the next morning, my mother had to sort of - ppffftt! -him off the wire

and it was up to my neighbour Jim Murphy to bury Bubbles the rabbit.

And so Jim dug a grave for Bubbles as he remembered him, which is

a small little rabbit like this, but when rabbits die,

they don't die as they were.

They die with their arms longer than their ears

and the legs longer than their short lives,

and so my first memory of death was basically standing in front of

this grave with Jim Murphy in front of me, and going,

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, amen.

"Dear Jesus, we give you Bubbles the rabbit to bury,

"to go to heaven with all the other angel rabbits."

I couldn't believe it, there was Jim Murphy in front of me shoving

Bubbles into the grave with the end of his welly boot like this.

And still to this day, lads, whenever I have bad sex...

I can't help but be reminded of Jim Murphy shoving that flaccid

rabbit into a hole that was made for a live one, you know?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A great way to end up not dead in general is to sort of look

after yourself and be into exercise, and that's a great idea in theory.

They say that you should really go running for your sanity

and stuff, but I would rather be as mad as a pair of cats fighting

to get out of a sack than go for a run, which is actually,

when I don't wear a sports bra, quite the same thing that it looks like.

Like a pair of cats trying to fight out of a sack.

There is only one exception to that rule and that is dancing.

OMG, shit the bed, lads, I love me some dancing. I really do.

I know you're all looking at me going,

"Aisling, we all know what type of dancing you like."

SINGS IRISH DITTY

Hip-hop, actually. Hip-hop, you xenophobes.

I love hip-hop, I really do, lads.

Even now, you are listening to all this really good English

coming out of my mouth, but inside my mind I'm like,

# My palms are sweaty, knees are weak Arms are spaghetti... #

Always hip-hop, do you know what I mean?

Myself and my sister Sinead are mad into the hip-hop

and we go wiggedy-wiggedy-wack, you know, as soon as a new urban

hip-hop street dance movie comes out.

You know the type of film I'm talking about?

It's like Romeo and Juliet but with street dance.

The storyline is always like he is from one form of dance,

she is probably from another form of dance.

She has a bit of a dead parent,

he is a stripper but really he wants to be a carpenter. Ohhh!

She teaches underprivileged kids

how to do hip-hop at the local community centre.

Oh, but wait, the community centre is going to close down. Argh!

But wait now, there is a talent show

with the exact same amount of prize money needed

to fix the community centre. Hurray!

Myself and Sinead are in that cinema and we are eating this for breakfast.

We are like, "Oh, my God. The odds are really stacked against them.

"I don't know if he is ever going to stop being a stripper."

We come out of that cinema and we are like,

"Sinead, how are we going to get home?"

"The only way we know how, through hip-hop.

"Oh-oh-oh. Oh-oh-oh-oh."

Takes us ages to get home.

But the only thing is, living in London

and being mad into the hip-hop dancing as I am,

I find dancing is very segregated

so when I want to go and do my hip and my hop dancing,

I have to go to a hip-hop club and like, say for example, if I was

into cheesy music, I'd have to go somewhere for cheesy people,

or if I wanted to go and listen to funk music,

I would have to go somewhere for douche bags, you know?

There's something for everyone but nothing for everyone.

And that's very different to when I was growing up,

because when I was growing up in the small town of Kildare,

there was only one nightclub for about a 20-mile radius

and that nightclub had to cater for all sorts of musical tastes. Why?

Because for a 20-mile radius, that nightclub was the only

place for young people to breed.

And so it had to cater for all sorts of musical tastes.

The DJ was a bit like David Attenborough.

He knew exactly what music to play to bring the males

and the females together at the watering hole, or their dance floor.

It is 9pm and all the females arrive.

All the females always travel in packs and they are all very nervous.

We are all very nervous women.

We've only had about nine vodkas.

We are all covered head to toe in wash-off fake tan, some of us

have stood up before we've entirely finished our wee and there's

a bit of a trickle and you have to go blending it back in

as you walk out.

And the whole big thing now is to get the women onto the dance floor.

So you play music that women can mime to.

Yeah! Women love miming.

They do! They love miming!

Given a choice between walking somewhere

and following an invisible rope,

women will always follow the invisible rope.

They love miming! They're down on the dance floor going,

"No, I don't want no scrubs. Come on, Eileen."

They love that, they think they're hilarious.

But there is a problem with this picture here.

As the French would say, "Ou est le cock?" Where is a cock?

There is no cock on that dance floor.

You have to get some men down there so you have to lay some bait,

so what do all males love?

What do all men love of all races, religions and creeds?

What do they all love? Sluts! Sluts! They all love the sluts, they do.

So you play music while empowered women -

as the men who keep telling them to keep singing without their tops on

tell them that they are...

So when I was growing up, it was like,

# Duh-duh! Going to get a little unruly! #

And we were off. And we were having sex with each other's legs

or having sex with the walls, all like this. It's very important,

if you're a woman dancing, that you dance like you're a man having sex.

If you dance like a woman having sex, you look like a joyous baby.

Do you know what I mean?

So you're there and you go,

# Going to get a little unruly! #

And now women release their final form of bait which is their hair.

Yeah, very much in the same way a female cat will lift up her tail

and release her arse scent into the wild, a woman uses her hair.

So we're like, # Dirty! Going to get a little unruly! #

And we are off and we are going mad

and we are cleaning the floor with our hair and everything is going on.

The men are over by the dance floor and they are like, "Jesus,

"there seems to be an awful lot of hair going on on the dance floor.

"I think something might be afoot." That is right, lads.

Sluts are afoot, get ye down there.

You couldn't just walk into that if you are a man,

you could get your knob punched. Be very, very careful.

So you have to play something that men can dance to, you have to

get the men down there.

What does the DJ play?

# Duh, dun-dun-duh! #

Jump Around! Men love jumping. They love jumping.

Give it a choice between walking somewhere and jumping,

a man will always choose to jump.

As soon as a DJ sees that there is some eye contact being made,

he slows things down, but not too dramatically, quite slowly,

with some happy hard-core dance music.

Yes, dance music is used to mop up all the idiots around the sides

who think that they can't dance, but everyone can dance to dance music.

It is named after the main form of dance which is dance!

Unlike mime, you don't have to listen to the storyline because, basically,

you just pretend to be doing stuff from around the house -

chopping bread, buttering the bread, checking your Facebook,

whatever you want to do because dance music is just a series of beeps.

BEEPS RAPIDLY

Then, and I am not being xenophobic,

but a Germanic person singing a sentence that no-one understands.

# Tell me why do we build castles in...? #

I don't know why you are building castles in the sky, to be honest.

The men and the women are, they are circling each other now

and it is all going well.

As soon as the DJ sees them circling each other,

it is time to drop the slow set.

The slow set is the opportunity to touch a tit,

so all of a sudden you've just been having a fish with some Insomnia,

or something like that, and then boom!

# I don't want to close my eyes

# I don't want to fall asleep because I miss you baby

# And I don't want to miss a thing... #

MUMBLES: # Even when I dream of you...

# I'd still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing... #

Oh, no, no, no! Fair enough.

"She didn't go for it, she must be frigid".

And then as we know, the bouncer comes around and he says,

"Here, lads, leave space for Jesus. Leave space for Jesus,"

but as we know, it's grand because after Lent,

Jesus was quite a thin man

so you don't have to leave too much space, you know?

And then we don't want the babies made here on the dance floor tonight,

so it is time to wrap up the evening. How do you wrap up a disco?

With the Irish national anthem! Yeah!

You take your hand out of whoever's pants it has been down,

you put it on your heart and you sing.

SINGS IRISH NATIONAL ANTHEM

"How are you getting home?" "I don't know yet."

That's actually not from Lord Of The Rings,

it is a real language recognised by the EU, so who is a xenophobe now?!

Then you take your raffle ticket out of your bra

and you go to the cloakroom to get your jacket.

Women go and get their jackets, men don't

because they are naturally protected from the weather by Fred Perry.

So then we all go and we get our bag of chips

and we go into the car park to watch the fight! Yeah!

Honestly, lads, living in London, people are like,

"Aisling, don't go watch the fight, don't go get involved,

"don't get involved, he might have a knife. He might have a knife."

If I don't get involved in the fight,

how am I going to know what it's about?

So you go down the watch the fight and you are like,

"God, I don't want any drama tonight. I just do not want any drama.

"I do not want any drama, do not want any drama with this fight.

"Oh, my God, I think it might be about me.

"Here, Denise, hold my earrings, I am going in.

"Sean Jr, Sean senior, you are both brothers, stop fighting,

"you both fingered me equally well!

"Just stop fighting about it is all!" And then everyone drunk drives home.

So I... I am going to leave you on this.

As you know, we are coming into the summer and I am not a particularly

tanned person, but here is a tip, should you wish to appear exotic.

Walk around with a giant Toblerone underneath your arm.

"Oh, someone's been away."

Lads, you have been lovely! I have been blah-blah-blah!

Have a lovely evening. Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful Aisling Bea!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.

Good night.

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