Episode 11 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING

Hello, hello, hello.

And welcome to a special edition of Good News, Best Bits.

Now, we've had amazing stories this series,

tonight, I'm showing my favourites

with a few extra unseen bits thrown in for good measure.

So...enjoy.

Now, what's been happening?

The BBC interviewed the worst Boris Johnson lookalike ever.

I've always had concerns about this...

LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH

That is nothing. Did anyone else see that gnome wanking on the news?

Gnomes banned for 100 years have been spotted here at Chelsea.

LAUGHTER

And finally, is it me,

or does Nick Owen really have a favourite co-host?

Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.

Hello! Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.

Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.

Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In political news,

Cameron's been having a tough time trying to make gay marriage legal.

The Prime Minister is facing opposition from within his own party

as the bill to allow same-sex marriage

in England and Wales returns to the House Of Commons.

You're telling me. Now, loads of Tories were outraged.

-UPPER-CLASS ACCENT:

-"It's disgusting! It's appalling!"

But Norman Tebbit wins my award for over-reaction of the week.

Did you see what he said?

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-What?

"Gay marriage may lead to a lesbian Quee..."?!

I'd love to have seen the Queen's face when she read that.

-AS THE QUEEN:

-Philip!

It says here that if they pass gay marriage I'll become a lesbian!

-WHISPERING BREATHY VOICE:

-Really?

Can I watch?

Hello, Kelly Brook? I'm sending a cab.

-LAUGHTER

-I tell you what,

this is going to change the Queen's Speech.

-AS THE QUEEN:

-Britain, I've got an announcement to make.

I'm off the crown jewels.

From now on I shall be known as "Your Vajesty".

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Yah. Yah.

Yah, yah.

Yah. Yah, yah.

Gay marriage will lead to a lesbian Queen?!

What, and I suppose it'll make Prince Harry do this?

Mind you...

..if you think what Norman Tebbit said was insane,

look what this bloke in America did.

A dog owner sends his pet to be euthanized

because he thinks his dog is gay.

The pup was pumping another male dog,

the owner told shelter workers he refuses to have a gay dog.

-CHUCKLING

-Yeah.

He wants his dog to be killed cos he's gay!

-Poor dog.

-AUDIENCE: Aw.

Yeah!

Imagine him in the pound.

What are you in for? Too old. You?

-Too fabulous!

-LAUGHTER

-CAMP AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Fetch your bone?

Honey, I don't even know your name.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The big news this week, it's all been kicking off in Korea.

Tension on the Korean peninsula is running at dangerous levels.

Kim Jong-Un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,

but no-one can really second guess how this crisis will play out.

North Korea said it's planning to fire another missile

over the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.

Are you worried about nuclear threat?

-AUDIENCE: No!

-Me neither.

I've seen their rockets.

LAUGHTER

They've got nothing.

-APPLAUSE

-Literally nothing.

Check out their binoculars.

LAUGHTER

Their leader Kim Jong-Un has threatened to start a nuclear war,

but no-one's worried, are we?

He's like the mad kid at school that just makes things up.

I've got missiles and rockets

and a flying monkey that's got lasers for eyes.

And my dog is made of marshmallows

and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't even been invented yet.

And my dad's so cool, he wees Coca-Cola.

LAUGHTER

He calls himself the Supreme Leader.

That doesn't make him sound scary, that makes him sound like a pizza.

He's SUCH an oddball. Do you know he cuts his own hair?

-What with? A rock?

-RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

It's a scary old place, North Korea. It's like something out of 1984 -

the people are brainwashed, terrified.

Every time you see them on the news, they've CLEARLY been forced

to say something against their will.

TRANSLATION:

HE WHIMPERS

But I've actually got hold of a machine

which tells you what they're REALLY thinking.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like that.

Have you seen their military propaganda videos?

They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do.

Leaping, jumping, leaping through fire.

It's true. Take a look at this.

ROUSING MUSIC

Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.

You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.

ROUSING MUSIC

Ahhh!

Unh!

Huh!

Argh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Argh!

Hey!

HE UNZIPS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Baby, baby, baby, ooh! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, have you seen who fancies being London Mayor?

Eddie Izzard says he's prepared to take the flak

for wanting to pursue a career in politics.

In a recent magazine interview,

the comedian confirmed

he will seek the Labour nomination for Mayor of London.

Wow.

Eddie Izzard versus Boris Johnson.

That could be the most amazing, surreal debate ever.

-I want a party with values.

-Reduce crime and disorder.

-Invade Birmingham!

-Pelted with porkpies!

Take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.

-I'm going to do that.

-Porkpie hats on a raptor.

-Kill a rabbit.

-Chicken undertakers.

-Beetroot juice!

-Chocolate Hobnobs.

-Macaroon.

-Cake mix.

-Cyborg.

-Tutti.

-Badger.

-Pigs and squirrels.

-Wif-waf!

-Helicopters!

-Bicycles.

-Bonk.

-Codswallop.

-What?

-Flabbergasted.

-Lipstick.

-Pussycat.

-Bisexual hermaphrodite.

-Very nice.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That....is a debate we'd all watch.

Elsewhere this week, big drama for Simon Cowell.

There was added drama and excitement

on the live final of Britain's Got Talent tonight.

A young woman appeared to get up from the orchestra

and pelted the judges, including Simon Cowell, with eggs.

# Ohhh!

# And, oh, to dream

# The impossible... #

One egg nearly hit Simon in the face,

but luckily, his belt protected him.

-LAUGHTER

-It's...it's a shame we're talking about eggs,

we should be talking about the winners.

They're called Attraction. Did you see them? They're amazing.

# Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh

# I wanna sing

# I wanna shout

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I wanna scream till the words dry out

# So put it in all of the papers

# I'm not afraid

# They can read all about it

# Read all about it, oh... #

Incredible, moving images there.

Mind you, have you seen their outtakes?

They're a bit full-on.

# Come on, come on

# You've gotta...

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

I tell you what,

I cannot wait to see them perform that at the Royal Variety.

Well, Simon Cowell wasn't the only celeb who's had a tough week.

Did you hear about Tulisa?

Tulisa was arrested two days after this picture was revealed.

It allegedly shows her arranging for a friend

to supply half an ounce of cocaine to an undercover reporter.

To be honest, I felt a bit sorry for her.

I mean, we've all been stung.

Yeah, mate. I can get you anything you want.

Big time.

LAUGHTER

And if that's not enough for you,

I can get you a really filthy party girl.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I'm going to suck you dry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is a new bit of the show called Headliners,

where members of the public persuade me why they should be

making the headlines. Please welcome my Headliners!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Madam, what is your name?

-Michelle Sullivan.

Why should you be in the news?

I am the world record holder of the largest collection

of sheep collectables.

Are you the only person that collects?

Who is your nearest rival? I think it's me, with one.

-How many have you got?

-777.

-Get in!

How many sheep have you got, inflatable or otherwise?

-I have none.

-Would you like one?

-No.

OK.

-I've got a few sheep's skulls, though.

-There you go.

15-all in mad tennis.

Why have you been in the news?

I am in the news because I eat roadkill.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Interestingly, that look you gave the audience was the last look

animals give before they get run over.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What have you got there?

-I've got a badger's head.

Oh!

-Did you kill it?

-No. A head has five different tastes and textures.

Yeah. Rank,

filthy, disgusting, horrible and evil.

-You have obviously never tried one.

-Of course I haven't, it's a badger!

If you saw a vole with a lovely pot belly...

..and just before you saw him, he'd danced in peri-peri spice...

..would you put him on a George Foreman grill?

I have eaten a vole, but you don't eat the belly.

You don't eat the belly. What do you eat?

You eat the other bits.

Is this really upsetting you?

There was a moment where one of your sheep went,

"Oh, fucking hell."

I like you, my friend. You're a very interesting man.

It is commitment to come on TV and say you eat roadkill,

so you are my favourite Headliner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, check out what this man from Devon did.

What?! How hammered do you have to be? "I fucking hate peanuts."

"I fucking hate them. They're the most arrogant of all the nuts."

"Fucking hell, that ambulance is all right!"

Imagine him with the police. "She was gagging for it.

"I got my dick out and she went, 'Woo-woo!'"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you think that is shocking,

it's got nothing on the horror going on in British schools.

Finally, they've done something about this.

A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,

saying they are too dangerous.

The school in Canvey Island was told to cut them into squares

or rectangles after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.

So ridiculous, isn't it? In America, kids are like, AK-47.

Over here, Mr Kipling.

Flapjacks. Do you reckon there's kids bragging outside school?

"I got suspended." "What for?"

"I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong.

"I don't give a fuck!"

School has really changed.

When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.

Now, they're giving you snacks!

"You better watch out, Howard,

"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."

"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography.

"You is going to have a well-bad sugar crash."

Next up, men, whatever you are doing, stop and pay attention.

This is truly incredible.

Squeezing... Exactly, squeezing boobs can prevent breast cancer!

This is amazing and I'm not the only one who is excited.

Yes! Yes!

Let's get started, baby.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's going to live!

Did you hear about this?

A local council candidate for UKIP faces criticism after

allegedly posting anti-gay comments on Facebook.

John Sullivan wrote that regular physical exercise in schools

can prevent homosexuality.

Exercise stops you being gay. How does that work?

"I love cock so much."

"Mmmm, tits!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Exercise stops you from being gay? That is bullshit.

Shall I tell you why, my friends? Two words - Louis Spence.

He is amazingly fit and I don't know if you've noticed

this about Louis...

..but when it comes to vagina, he ain't a diner.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who would have guessed it, but plastic surgery is bad for you.

A review into the UK's cosmetics industry has warned that

injections used to plump up the skin are a crisis waiting to happen.

Fillers are treated too casually and could go horribly wrong.

You're telling me!

You went for the cheap option and it backfired horribly?

"Buy cheap, buy twice," my mum always said.

-It looks really painful.

-It was agonising.

I won't downplay it.

Holy shit! It looks like a gibbon's arsehole.

She looks like she's been on a date with Chris Brown.

AUDIENCE GROANS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

He is, of course, an arsehole.

"Woman, that's not how you pronounce umbrella."

Now, why do women want big lips?

I've never heard a bloke go, "What do I like in a woman?

"I like it when they look like they're kissing a window."

It's madness. I've never caught a trout and gone,

"Fucking hell, he's all right!"

Well let's hope fish DO have a five-second memory.

Thwap!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Women are beautiful things. You don't need to change your body.

It's like women who have their anuses bleached.

What, are there men going, "She's pretty, she's clever,

"she's funny, but her arsehole's mauve.

"You know me, guys, I like mahogany sapphire."

Trust me, ladies, if you let a guy bum you,

he's not bothered about the colour.

He's not going down there with a Dulux colour chart.

"I'm terribly sorry, Cynthia, it's the wrong shade.

"Let's call the whole thing off."

Not that I'm against all plastic surgery. Did you hear about this?

-Now, THAT would be amazing.

-There you go, three pints.

-Cheers, mate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week. Did you hear about this?

A council in Bucks has given Wetherspoon's

permission to open a pub on the M40.

That's right, we're now going to have pubs on motorways!

How British is that! "God, I'm tired from all this driving.

"I need a Jagerbomb."

"Dave, I'm not sure you should be driving!"

-SLURRED:

-"I'm fine, leave me alone, you don't own me."

"Dave, you're not fine, you're still on the toilet.

"You've got a pasty in your hand. Dave, you've shat yourself."

Imagine driving when you're pissed.

How much will the satnav freak you out? "In 100 yards, bear left."

"Where?"

"I hate bears. I'm going back, I need another drink."

I love the reaction of people on Twitter.

Oh yeah! We've actually got a photo of him parking.

When he stepped out of the car, he went, "Should have gone to... Aagh!"

Not that it's my favourite driving story of the week.

This is wonderful!

This dog is in the doghouse after causing his owner's truck to

crash into a house in Redding.

So what happened? How did a dog cause a crash?

The driver had his dog in the front seat of his truck with him.

The dog couldn't hold it any longer

and started going to the bathroom right in the centre of the truck.

That's right, his dog dropped his guts

and he crashed into a house.

"Mirror, signal... Oh, Rover! I said sit, you daft bastard. Sit!

"You've dumped everywhere!"

Christ, can you imagine what that car was like?

Well, that is going to change the ads.

"We buy any car... Except that one!"

The Churchill dog in the back, "Oh, no!"

Never have a dog in the front seat. Dogs don't give a toss.

When they've got to go, they've got to go.

That's right!

No animal has that level of arrogance.

"It's your wedding dress, is it?

"Been looking forward to this day all your life, have ya?

"Well, I need a piss.

"And I'm going to go on your ankle."

It's the way he swags up. "All right? Having a good day?

"That's where that goes."

-What's your name, my friend?

-My name's Jake.

-Of course it is.

Go on then.

Now, I have a theory, with a proper Cockney ding dong,

that you should be able to create love and harmony throughout,

but I need you to help me.

This is...

This is a traditional East London musical instrument.

A banana?!

What you have to do is, whenever there's a break in the music

or the song, you have to hold it up and shout, "Have a banana!"

-Right.

-There's another thing you need to do.

Every song in the Cockney style finishes exactly the same,

which goes like this.

# Da-da-da-da-da-da...

# How is your father? #

Fuck you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do it again, do it again. Do it again, I've got it.

# Da-da-da-da-da-da...

# How is your father? #

Ask Jeremy Kyle.

One more. One more. I've got one more.

# La-da-da-da-da...

# How's your father? #

He never calls me.

Over in China, there's been a magical discovery.

Is time travel possible? Well, perhaps.

A time travel tunnel apparently exists in China.

You're telling me.

Here I am before I went in the tunnel.

And here I am afterwards.

From time travel to a filthy radish.

Have you heard about the latest piece of art taking Japan

by storm? Get ready for this. It's...

That's right - an art piece that shows you what a radish looks like

when it has an orgasm.

Do you want to see it? You know you do!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Yes! Yes!

ODD GROANING

What the sweet Mary fuck was that?

Who looks at a vegetable and thinks,

"I wonder what they sound like when they're shagging"?

Imagine if you heard your neighbour chopping up one of those.

"Officer, there's a man abusing women!"

"It's cool, he's just raping a turnip."

If veg is getting sexy, how long before you go to Tesco

and the carrots look like this?

Some peculiar health stories knocking around.

Doctors have discovered an evil new disease.

Watching your favourite soap opera could be bad for your health.

Doctors are worried we're becoming too much like the beer-guzzling,

butty-eating characters in the show.

Apparently soaps make you ill. You're telling me.

Five minutes of Emmerdale and you want to take your own life.

"Mr Dingle, come quick, it's the farm!

"Fucking Betty's sheep's got hiccups or something."

If doctors want soaps to be healthier,

it's really going to change EastEnders.

EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

Pat...

Pat.

What is it, Barry?

I think I've overdone the yoga.

EASTENDERS DRUMS PLAY

In sports news, scandal has hit the world of horse racing.

British horse racing has been hit by its biggest ever doping scandal

after 11 horses from the Godolphin stable were found to have

been drugged with banned steroids.

Apparently they knew something was wrong

when the horses ran the race with the jockey in his arms.

"GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!

"Arrgggh!"

APPLAUSE

To be honest,

it's not horses on roids you want to worry about.

Some of them are on acid.

# I'll speak a little louder I'll even shout

# You know that I'm proud

# And I can't get the words out

# Ohhhhh... #

And it didn't end well for that fellow.

# Ohhhhh.... #

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Did you know that last Friday was the happiest day of the year?

You're telling me! I had a belter of a day.

# And it's always you and me, always

# And forever You and me... #

Hey, Pete! Pete! Weeeey!

Ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# You and me, always... #

AUDIENCE GROANS

PHRRT!

Do you know, I'm really going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too, you wonky-eyed fuck!

Aw...

Hey, Sugartits, let's bounce.

Ha-ha-ha!

HE MOUTHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I love that man. I love that man so much.

Time for Stand Up. My guest is one of the best comics on the circuit.

It's a pleasure to have him on.

Please welcome the wonderful Luke Toulson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

Before we start, can I just tell you something that

I saw today which I thought was interesting?

If you go on the Nectar card website,

they have a frequently asked questions page and one

of the questions is, "My partner has died - can I transfer their points?"

How frequently is that question asked,

that it's now on the frequently asked questions page?

And how soon after their death?

It's always going to be too soon.

The answer's yes, by the way.

Yes, you can trade in your partner for their Nectar card points.

My girlfriend would trade me in tomorrow, given the chance.

We have a set of scales in our bedroom, which is

a recipe for disaster, because it's never good news.

The other day she got on the scales and was like,

"Ooh, I've put on weight."

Then she turns to me and goes, "Do you think I've put on weight?"

Well... Yeah. All the evidence is pointing in that direction.

You can't get on the scales and then announce that you've put on weight.

I mean, I know... I'm not an idiot.

I know the correct answer is, "No, if anything you've lost weight!"

But, er, I don't want to go against science.

It's fact.

My least favourite thing about being in a relationship

is the compulsory shared baths.

When you get to my stage of life, it's just a waste of a good bath.

No-one has ever been in a bath and gone, "You know what

"would make this better? Someone lying on top of me."

You can't move because she's jammed in between my legs

and her hair's in my face, which you're not allowed to get wet

because it's not fucking hair washing night.

You women take that shit seriously. You're like, "Don't get my hair wet!"

"Yeah, this is going to be fun(!)"

If I fart, she feels it.

Have to share everything when you're in a relationship, though.

We share a computer and this has caused some problems.

Like, whenever I tell people that, they're like,

"Just clear your history. Problem gone."

I'm like, "That doesn't work because women are not stupid."

When they see that there's been some sort of Stalinist eradication

of your internet history, they don't go, "Well, that's perfectly normal.

"Obviously no-one's looked at the internet on this computer.

"Ever.

"No need to ask any questions."

We don't need a "clear history" button,

what we need is a "rewrite history" button.

You just click on it

and it makes up a whole bunch of websites you've been to instead,

like "10 Great Weekends Away With The Woman You Love.

"Dot Com."

"100 Ways To Be Better Boyfriend" and then your girlfriend will come

back from the computer and she's like, "You...

"Someone's getting a special treat tonight."

And I'm like, "Someone's five minutes too late."

Even worse, when you're watching something particularly dodgy

on the internet and your computer just shuts down with

that message, "Internet Explorer quit unexpectedly."

And you're like, "Don't play coy with me, computer.

"You know damn well what you quit.

"There's nothing remotely legal about what we were just watching."

Then it flashes up that message, "Do you want me to report this problem?"

Fuck, no!

Do not report this. This never happened.

I'll just buy a new computer.

I'm a parent as well. I've got kids.

My favourite thing to do with my kids,

whenever I'm at a busy train station,

instead of carrying my kids down the stairs, what I do is walk them

down so that no-one can get past.

So much fun. You build up this big sea of resentment,

of all these people going, "Pick up your sodding kid, pick up..."

He needs to learn!

LAUGHTER

Pisses them off.

Especially because my son's 11.

He can totally walk down unaided.

He's 11. My son is 11, and get this,

I've just found out that he's got his first girlfriend.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww.

No, you should see her.

LAUGHTER

Very disappointing. What's her name? I know this...

David. Yep.

Always kissing, those two. Always kissing.

It's not, no, it's not David. It's Sophie, or something.

She is proper rough.

LAUGHTER

What, would you rather I found her attractive, or...?

LAUGHTER

I've also got a little girl, little nine-year-old. She is a lot of fun.

We play games all the time.

The other day we were playing Charades, and this was her clue.

LAUGHTER

Nine years old. She is like, "Come on, Daddy, you know this.

"It's a film, daddy."

"Oh, fuck, has she been on my computer?"

LAUGHTER

Lord Of The Rings.

Good clue, isn't it? I should have got it.

I hate losing to my kids!

I was playing shop with my little girl the other day,

because I couldn't think of an excuse quick enough

not to be playing shop with her, so I was like,

"All right, darling, please may I have..."

And she goes, "No, Daddy, there's a queue."

"You what?"

And she points to a line of her teddy bears.

I've got to queue up to play with my own daughter.

And it takes ages!

I think Peppa Pig's trying to pay with a cheque or something.

LAUGHTER

When I get to the front, I'm like,

"Seriously, you need to get some more people working on the tills here."

"This is ridiculous." She's like,

"Well, you could have used the self-service."

I didn't know there was a self-service option!

So now, even though my daughter is free and available to serve me,

I use the self-service just to piss her off.

I'm not playing shop with my daughter.

I'm playing shop with myself.

She's like, "Have you got a loyalty card?"

I'm like, "I'm not coming here again!"

Then she just calls out, "Security to check-out, please."

LAUGHTER

I had to teach them a lesson, so after my kids went to bed,

I built a Tesco's right next to her shop.

She went out of business.

No-one beats me at shop.

It's difficult being a parent, though.

I took my kids to a theme park, and there was this awesome ride there,

but my kids were not tall enough to go on it, but I was.

LAUGHTER

Why do we all have to have a shit day?

The whole time I was there,

I was fighting the urge to take my kids to the lost children place.

Because who are they going to believe -

me or some confused-looking kids?

"Hello, I just found these two wandering around."

They're like, "Daddy..."

No!

LAUGHTER

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

(Some parents.)

No, I could not do that. Imagine if one of my kids had been claimed.

I had to just take the one that looked most similar.

Abdul, you're coming with me!

LAUGHTER

No, we ended up on the teacups.

I don't know if any of the parents here,

if you've ever been on teacups with your kids?

It's rubbish, because they're like, "Spin it faster, Daddy!"

You spin it faster! With your shitty little arms.

LAUGHTER

That don't work.

My kids live down in Hampshire with their mum,

and they come up and stay with me a lot in London.

Last time they came up to London, they were like,

"Daddy, we really want to go on a London bus."

They may have said the London Eye.

LAUGHTER

I took them on a London bus.

You still get to see London, but from a bus, right?

Now, they, like all kids, wanted to sit on the back row,

but the problem was, sat on the middle of the back row

was this really angry looking hoodie.

Now, we all know the rules of the bus.

You don't sit anywhere near this character.

But they don't know the rules of the bus, because they're only kids,

and they plonk themselves down one either side of him.

LAUGHTER

They're oblivious to the danger that they're in,

and they just start playing their game of

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with K."

Now, this puts our hoodie in a little bit of a quandary,

because if he moves, he looks like he's just been

bounced off the back row by a couple of kids from Hampshire.

But if he stays there, they look like they're his crew.

LAUGHTER

I positioned myself a couple of rows up. I'm not stupid.

If this kicks off, I want to be able to make a quick getaway.

LAUGHTER

But the hoodie, he realises he looks ridiculous, so to save face,

he decides to join in the game,

and he's like, "Tell me this, little man.

"That K you is spying, is it cones?"

LAUGHTER

Now, I'm not saying all young people are stupid,

because clearly they're not.

I was on a bus another time without my kids,

and there was a suspect package, and as you can imagine,

in this day and age, all hell broke loose.

The bus pulled over, the police were called,

and then this 13-year-old kid in a hoodie comes down the stairs

and he's like, "Wha g'wan?"

Apparently that means, "What is going on?"

I was like, "Well, I'll tell you wha g'wan.

"There's a bloody suspect package, sonny."

"That's wha g'wan."

I kid you not, he looks at the rucksack, he walks over to it,

he picks it up, he marches up the front of the bus,

he lobs it out the door, he turns around and goes,

"Mr Bus Driver, the bomb is outside. Can we go now, please?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

These terrorists do not stand a chance so long as we have

the most arrogant teenagers in the whole world.

But the problem was, on the bus with my kids, we had a thick hoodie,

and the reason this was a potentially incendiary situation is that

anyone here who's got a little nine-year-old girl,

you'll know that the distinguishing factor of little nine-year-old girls

is they don't let anything go, so she's like, "Daddy, Daddy..."

I'm pretending I don't know her.

She is like, "Daddy, Daddy, cones isn't spelt with a K."

"Don't anger the man!"

"Er...it is in London, darling!"

Then she looks at the hoodie dead in the eyes and goes,

"But knife is."

LAUGHTER

Like she's mocking him!

LAUGHTER

At which point, the hoodie gets off the bus.

It's his stop, but the rest of the bus don't know this.

To them, it looks like he's just been psyched out

by a little nine-year-old girl.

I mean, it didn't help that she followed him down,

going, "Yeah, keep walking, bitch."

LAUGHTER

She's like that. She's awesome, my little girl.

Worst game to play with your kids is hide and seek.

Hide and seek is a rubbish game. Not when you're young.

When you're young, it's hiding and seeking, which is fun,

but when you're a parent, it's not hiding and seeking,

it's just waiting for your kids or looking for your kids.

That's not a game to us, right?

That's our life.

So the last time I played hide and seek with my kids,

just to sort of spice it up,

I suggested that the seeker should have a gun.

Just a toy gun my son had been given for Christmas,

but it fired these rubber discs bloody hard, right?

So it's my son's turn with the gun. Me and my little girl are hiding.

Suddenly, I hear my little girl scream out,

"Owww! You shot me in the eye!"

Now, obviously, my first instinct as a father is to check that she's OK.

But I'm in a really good hiding place.

LAUGHTER

I'm not thinking as a father any more, I'm thinking as a soldier.

Forget the girl, the war's over for her.

She's going home to medals and parades.

Not me, I'm dug in behind the sofa, and I know my little girl.

If she could, she would look at me with her one good eye...

"You win this, Daddy." And then something weird happened.

I don't know if any of you have served in the armed forces,

but if you have, you would know how I felt

during that game of hide and seek, because in the fog of war,

your mind plays tricks with you,

and I started to think, maybe it's a trap.

Maybe she wasn't shot in the face.

Maybe she's a double agent working for my son, because,

and you won't know this, but he is a sneaky little shit.

LAUGHTER

And if I come out and I'm like, "Darling, are you OK?" And then, pow!

I get shot in the face, that doesn't make me a good father, that makes me a loser,

and this makes me angry, so fucking angry I want to shoot her in the other eye!

LAUGHTER

Maybe I'm not thinking straight. Because of all the screams.

Oh, yeah, she is still screaming. She is definitely not a double agent.

Anyone who saw her woeful performance as a donkey

in her nativity play would know that

she is just not that committed to the role.

LAUGHTER Like any good soldier, I realise my little girl's screams

were the perfect moment for me to make my move,

so I jumped over the sofa, I grabbed the gun off my son,

I sweep his feet out from underneath him,

and I shout, "Face or balls?!"

He's like, "What?"

I'm like, "Do you want to be shot in the face or the balls?"

Now, he's only 11, so he's like, "Balls."

LAUGHTER IMITATES SHOTS

We all learnt some important lessons that afternoon.

LAUGHTER

In A&E. LAUGHTER

Me sat between my eye-patched daughter

and my 11-year-old son clutching a bag of ice to his testicles.

Everyone looking at me like I was the bad guy!

It's like, "You weren't there, man."

Anyway, that's why they live with their mum.

It's been a real pleasure talking to you. Thanks very much.

My name's Luke Toulson. Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Luke Toulson.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much for watching the news.

Good night, my friends. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd