Episode 10 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you!

Hello! And welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

Is it me, or are British troops not as good as they used to be?

They will indeed stand out amongst their peers.

And not only that.

I think the police are getting smaller.

They've received a lot of information...

Here's a question.

What the hell is this bloke doing under the table?

So he's doing very well.

He's available for selection to take place on Wednesday.

Over on BBC Breakfast, one man broke the heart of children everywhere.

There is no such thing as the dog poo fairy.

No-o-o-o!

And finally, did anyone else see the moment

this guy realised life was meaningless?

For 15 years, promised solutions... (VOICE FADES INTO MUSIC)

# Hope there's someone who'll take care of me

# When I die, will I go...? #

So, what's been happening? Well, there's been some huge alien news.

The Ministry of Defence has explained why it decided

to scrap its UFO desk

after 60 years of recording alien sightings and abductions.

The MoD's official reason for the closure

is that UFOs pose no threat to the UK.

No threat to the UK? I'm not sure about that.

Check out this incredible interview from This Morning.

Stephanie Cohen claims she's often visited by aliens,

who help to guide her through life.

She also says that she has sex with them

and has out of this world orgasms.

She has sex with aliens.

"We have travelled a million light years."

"What do you want? To learn about our planet? Steal our minerals?"

"No. A hand job."

"It's going to take you a while. I've got three dicks."

"What goes in Uranus stays in Uranus."

LAUGHTER

It's so ridiculous! Did you see the rest of her interview?

Check out the beautiful moment Phillip Schofield zinged her.

Why don't they show themselves?

Because they're not really into showing off.

They're very, um, quite reserved in themselves.

Well, they have sex with you at a bus stop. That's not very reserved.

Boom!

"They're so shy." Whatever! One fingered you in KFC.

Of all the things aliens could do -

visit Mars, travel the solar system -

"No, I'm going to pork someone on a Megabus."

It gets better.

I love the highly scientific way

that Phillip was trying to prove the existence of aliens.

Tell them to go into my dressing room now

and tell me what's in my briefcase.

"What's in my briefcase? Then I will believe.

"I don't want to see one,

"I just want to know what's in my briefcase."

Now, what follows is, for me,

one of the strangest bits of TV that I have ever seen.

I'm trying to, myself, to look into a briefcase myself. Um...

What do you see?

I don't know, I just see the briefcase.

I love it! After all that.

APPLAUSE

Don't worry. I know what's in there.

Ha ha ha!

What a night!

Phillip Schofield is crazy!

Now, next up, in education news,

have you seen who the Government are getting to teach kids?

Former soldiers are being encouraged to consider retraining as teachers

under a new scheme which will allow them to qualify in just two years.

Soldiers are going to be teachers? How scary will that be?

"Hey, kids, what's four times four?"

"I don't know."

"Well, take a guess!"

They'll have them marching in the playground.

# Mr Adams is the best Cos he's former SAS

# Caught me chewing gum in class Stuck that Wrigley's up my ass

# I'm in trouble cos I fart bubbles... #

It's madness. Kids and soldiers - not a good mix.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you think soldiers in the classroom is strange,

look at what they banned in Australia.

Blowing candles out on a birthday cake could be a no-no,

because of strict new hygiene guidelines.

Children aren't allowed to blow out candles?

Well, that is going to change birthday parties.

(ADULTS) Happy birthday!

And you're adopted.

Mind you, some kids are delighted.

They kind of struggle with candles anyway.

That's a clip I like to call Asthma Can Be Funny.

Not that it's all bad news for kids. Look who's become an author.

How lovely! I've actually got hold of a copy.

'One day, Frankie saw a beautiful princess

'locked away in a huge tower. He couldn't get her down.

'His friend Peter Crouch couldn't help.'

It's too high!

'Nor could Luis Suarez.'

Oh! My teeth!

'In the end, he got her down the only way he knew. She was so beautiful.

'They kissed and fell asleep in each other's arms.

'Unfortunately, when Frank woke, John Terry was fucking her."

Yeah!

Some peculiar health news knocking around.

Have you heard about the strange new condition sweeping the globe?

Now, a scientific name for people who get pleasure

from the most banal activities.

It's called autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR.

Apparently, there are millions of people around the world

who watch deliberately dull videos

for the pleasurable sensations that they generate.

Some people are addicted to watching dull videos.

It's basically tedium porn. That's what it is.

"Yeah, baby, use that hairdryer. Oh, God.

"Oh, I'm going to have a bore-gasm!"

There's already a name for people

who get pleasure from utterly banal shit.

They're called Beliebers.

LAUGHTER

I love what they're called, you know?

They call themselves boredom addicts.

What are their dealers like?

"Check it, man. I've got a video on soil erosion.

"Yo, I've got a 300-page pamphlet

"on the most efficient way to bleed a radiator.

"You is gonna find it well tedious."

You know the strangest thing?

Apparently, when boredom addicts see dull videos,

it triggers the same sensation as an epileptic fit.

Check out this guy's reaction.

Is it a meditative state?

It could be either a meditative state if it's real,

or could be something like a fit.

"Fucking brilliant!

"Do they piss themselves? Amazing!"

Mind you, we shouldn't be too harsh,

because what one person finds boring, another doesn't.

I mean, you guys might not be into spinning seals.

I...

I'm a huge fan.

# You spin me right round, baby Right round

# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round

# You spin me right round, baby Right round

# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round... #

I could honestly watch that for hours.

And it doesn't always have to be seals.

# You spin me right round, baby Right round

# Like a record, baby Right round, round, round... #

Next up, have you seen where you can now stay in Liverpool?

The boutique Titanic hotel, floating on Liverpool's Albert Dock,

has an uplifted stern and downward slanting portholes,

to give the impression of a sinking vessel.

A Titanic-themed hotel. What next, the Jimmy Savile creche?

AUDIENCE: Oh!

This is madness. Absolute madness.

What if it sinks? They won't notice!

"Oh, this is very authentic, Brian.

"Look at the water gushing into our room. Oh, bollocks."

This is honestly what I'd do.

If I owned the land opposite,

I'd build a hotel shaped like an iceberg.

Just them waking up the next morning - "Fucking hell!"

Still, there are worse places to stay.

That's a genuine hotel. It's a genuine hotel.

From poor taste to a bizarre discovery on a beach.

A man from Morecambe

believes he's come across a rare discovery on a beach

that could be worth more than £100,000.

It's ambergris, a dried piece of whale vomit.

He found a piece of whale vomit that's worth 100 grand.

Must be great being a whale. Imagine that. "I'm skint. Huuuh!

"All right!"

Actually, it'd be quite annoying, because the fins, they can't get...

They'd have to get a dolphin to put their nose down...

AUDIENCE: Oh!

No, I'm saying to get the sick from...

I'm not actually...

So why is it worth so much?

Ambergris is used to make perfume, and it's extremely rare.

Perfume?

Well, that is going to change the ads.

She is the sun.

She is the moon.

She...

Fuck's sake!

Thank Christ it weren't a sperm whale.

Now, some truly brilliant crime stories from America this week.

First up, an evil overlord has been stealing drugs from the police.

Wichita police say three bags of marijuana were torn open

at a storage facility and the evidence taken.

Not by thieves, not by evidence tamperers,

but by hungry stoner mice.

Well, that is bollocks.

Clearly, the police have taken it and come up with an excuse.

"Who took the dope?" "Stoner mice?"

"What about the cocaine?" "Bloody Mafia badgers."

"They hid the coke in their stripes."

So you're probably thinking the police left it at that. Oh, no!

They really want to get this guy.

We do have a sketch artist

that came and did a rendering

of who we believe is responsible

for the marijuana heist.

Unbelievable.

And not only that.

They've also got their best detective on it.

Could you go back to that photo?

How droopy are his tits?

Brother's hung low.

Now, from joy to a cripplingly sad story

about a man who had something very dear to his heart taken from him.

The man says it's taken him years and thousands of dollars

to assemble the collection of vintage pornography stolen from his home.

Police say burglars took the collection

and a couple of flatscreen TVs during a break-in this week.

That's right, he had his porn stolen, and it made the news.

So you're probably thinking, "I doubt he did an interview about it."

Oh, guess again.

My porn collection is valuable, man.

My collection was the best in Michigan.

A guy in Connecticut told me that. It was stacked about this high.

"They took the lot, man. Men In Crack, gone.

"Jizzy Jeff And The Gash Prince, gone.

"But worst of all, I'm gonna shed a tear here, but worst of all...

"Them bastards took my anal videos.

"Although even I can see the poetic irony

"that I did leave my back door wide open."

So was his wife as upset as him? Not really.

I went in the bedroom, and I told him

"You really getting ready to be mad."

He said "Why?" I said "All your porn's gone!"

She's so happy! "Ding dong, your porno's gone, your porno's dead.

"Maybe I'll see a little more action and a little less traction."

Apparently, the police are hunting down this porno thief.

I think I know who it was.

So he's doing very well...

Now it's time for a very special mystery guest -

as a treat, the production team have found me

someone special to interview, and I have to find out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE

Hello!

(MUFFLED) Nice to talk to you.

Well, it would appear that Joe Pasquale's bulked up.

-Can I peer around you? Is that allowed?

-You can indeed.

That's quite a big beard.

If you don't mind me saying, sizeable balls.

I'm very well endowed.

-The polar bears don't complain.

-Wow.

-I'll shag anything that moves.

-OK.

I think I know who it is. Can you make that noise again?

-Yes, yes, indeed.

-Oh, I know exactly who it is.

-Who is it?

Is it really? Wow, it is.

-Is it Brian Blessed?

-It is, my son!

CHEERING

Wow!

-Wow!

-Marvellous.

Yes!

And I want to say to you all, Gordon's alive!

I love you so much.

You know, I'd love to go on the lash with you.

Can you do me a favour? This is a personal request.

Can you look down the camera and say...

In fact, I'll whisper it to you so that it's a surprise.

-I need you to say two things for me. Number one.

-What? Do it again.

LAUGHTER

LIQUID ARSE!

Was that it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And the other one...

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brian, do you mind if I ask you a question

-about your deep, powerful voice?

-Yes.

-Because you're something of an explorer.

-Yes.

I worry about you.

There could be an avalanche when you're going...

Do you ever get into scary situations?

I'm the oldest man to reach the North Pole

and the Magnetic North Pole.

We were followed by polar bears,

and some of the lads on the British expedition had got guns.

And I said, because I love animals,

I've got 3,000 animals that I have to support, all rescued,

I'm not going to kill an animal.

But one night, eventually it got closer and closer, the polar bear.

It's his territory. And the polar bear got closer and closer.

I'll never forget. Fucking arseholes.

It came, it tore through the tent.

There was this face, and I just went "Aaagh!",

straight in its fucking face.

LAUGHTER

-It's true.

-Is that true?

And it buggered off. We never saw it again.

Wouldn't it be great if there's a parallel world where there's a polar bear telling that story?

"I met that Brian Blessed. The guy's absolutely bonkers.

"I just wanted an autograph, and he punched me in the fucking face.

"I went home and went..."

You beat up a polar bear?

If there is a God, and there isn't, but if there was,

he would be looking down on you and going

"That's how you make 'em."

-Who's ever punched a polar bear?

-I know. God, it was amazing.

You have an instinct. That's your gift.

You have an instinct to bring joy.

There is no situation that you can't improve. That's your major skill.

-You met a polar bear, this is going to be awkward...

-Bash.

-You're also, may I say this, one of the finest swearers we have.

-Yes.

Yes, yes.

Have we got the clip of him swearing? Oh, my God.

You have to see this.

This is terrible. I don't normally swear.

..Fucking sphincter, arsehole, up your arse, up your BLEEP,

fucking sideways, you boring fucking whore, fuck off, you cow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Nobody does it better... #

If we could go on this sort of magical, drunken quest,

where would we go?

My ultimate night out would be with you and Boris Johnson.

Thing is, where would we end up? One of us would end up dead.

I'm very fond of Doris, but he's a bit of a BLEEP.

Look, I'll...

You know... I met him at a car park about a year,

or a few months ago at the BBC. "I can't park anywhere",

and looking at me as if I'm responsible.

I'm only doing a voiceover.

"We can't park anywhere. Why is this?"

"Well, don't fucking ask me", I said.

"Why don't you shut your fucking mouth and give your arse a chance?"

LAUGHTER

Wow.

Which is wonderful.

But what strikes me about you, what I find fascinating about you,

you seem very comfy in your own skin, which is an amazing trait.

What is your tip? Because every time, see the atmosphere -

just coming on, you provide joy. What's your thing?

-I love life.

-And life loves you.

-Yes! And I also love myself.

-I'm very deeply in love with myself.

-Why not? But I would be.

You look so manly, it looks like you created that beard just by going...

..And it leaps out.

Yes! I think you've got to really love yourself.

To love oneself is to have a lifelong romance.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I would say to you,

I have now fully become a fully trained cosmonaut in Moscow.

I've done 800 hours.

Centrifuge, mid-20s, mid-25s, and I'm now first reserve

for the International Space Station, and I'll be going there next year.

Wow.

I'm 76. I won't be restricted. You follow your dream!

There's no-one like you.

We've all got something that no-one else has got.

-Follow your dream, and don't let the bastards grind you down.

-Yeah!

CHEERING

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

Go for it!

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Mr Brian Blessed!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, huge science news that could benefit all of mankind.

A team of scientists has been on a mission

to discover our cats' secret lives.

The BBC's Horizon team placed 50 cats from a quiet village in Surrey

under intense surveillance, fitting them with cameras

to record their activities.

That's right. Scientists are going to film some cats.

Some were shocked.

Some were quite happy.

"Film that, bitch."

So ridiculous, isn't it?

They want to analyse the secret lives of cats.

What do they think they're going to find out?

"By day, I eat and sleep. By night...

"I dress up as a polar bear and try and meet up with Brian Blessed...

"To avenge that day!"

It is pretty pointless, because you picture

a load of scientists in a lab -

"Shall we cure AIDS? Try and eradicate cancer?"

"Nah. Let's just watch this."

Now, my final story of the night concerns joy.

Did you know that last Friday was...

You're telling me. I had a belter of a day.

# And it's always you and me Always and for ever... #

Hey!

Ha ha ha!

DONG!

You know, I'm really going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you too, you wonky-eyed fuck!

Hey, sugar cakes. Let's bounce.

HE MOUTHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love that man. I love that man so much.

Finally tonight, a story about a boy called Tommy with an amazing talent.

I'm Tommy Carroll. I've been skating since I was 10.

I was born with bilateral retinoblastoma,

which is cancer of the retinas.

And since it was caught late, I was left blind by the age of two.

One of my favourite things is to wake up early

and get to the skate park before anybody else,

because I can really use every inch of that place

and not have to worry about anybody being in the way,

and it really gives me great time to express myself on a board

and skate to the fullness of my abilities.

All I do is based on sound.

I'm constantly using the sound of my wheels

to check if there's anything in my way, get my sense of direction,

all that kind of stuff.

I think everybody should know that everything happens for a reason,

and that there's always a way to overcome an obstacle

if you really want it enough.

What a dude.

Now, it's time for my stand up guests.

They're a brilliant mix of music and comedy, you'll love them.

Please welcome to the stage the wonderful Ginger and Black!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, we're Ginger and Black, because...

LAUGHTER

..and we're musical storytellers.

# I do the music when we're musical storytelling

# Let me show you what it's all about

# If I want things to sound sad I do this... #

PLAYS MINOR CHORD

# If I want things to sound happy I do thi-i-is! PLAYS MAJOR CHORD

# If I want things to sound good, I do this

PLAYS KEYBOARD DEMO TRACK

# Musical storytellers, part-time

# Working in Morrisons, full-time

# I don't mean to name-drop but me and JK Rowling go bowling

# Roly smoking with Tolkien

# And I'm pals with Roald Dahl's...corpse

# I put the shake in Shakespeare

# Chaucer on a saucer

# I put the dick in Dickens... #

LAUGHTER

HE MOUTHS

# Musical storytellers

# Ahhh-ahhh - that's too high

# One upon a time, there was a prince

# He lived in a castle in the sky... #

Right, so that's where you do the next line?

And then it works its way around the audience and then outside.

We did a gig similar to this around the corner and we got all the way to Big Ben.

And then Hare Krishnas joined in and we let off fireworks

-and balloons and stuff.

-Should I still get the balloons?

Oh, no... There's no point.

LAUGHTER

But musical storytelling is quite inspirational

so we're going to share a bit of inspiration with you now

with a choice of three songs. One about hopes,

-one about dreams and one about aspirations.

-Dreams!

Dreams? That's what it is.

So this song is called Hopes, Dreams, Aspirations.

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Saw my neighbour Mr Jones, aged 83

# Clutching his heart and falling to his knees

# I didn't run to help him because I didn't want to be patronising

# But it felt sad knowing that he'd never achieved his...

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# He had nothing in his house, nothing on his shelves

# Nothing to remember him by, nothing we could flog

# Not even hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Around where I'm from, they call me Optimus Prime

# Because I quit my job and transformed my life

# The others call me Care Bear cos I care a lot about my...

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# The others call me Softy Bear or Sponge

# Not because I'm soft but because I ponce off people

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, H-O-P-E

# Dreams, D-R-E-A-M-S

# Aspirations, A-S-P... SHE MUMBLES # ..S #

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# I wanted a hamster

# I got one

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# I remember back at school, me and my mate Pete

# Wanted metal plates in our heads so we could pretend to be robots

# They said that those were for victims of car crashes

# So we were

# Sorted

# Oh, Pete's dead though and I can't go near a microwave

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes, dreams, aspirations

# Hopes and dreams and aspirations

# Hopes and dreams and

# A-a-a-a-a-a

# A-a-a-a-a... # HER VOICE BREAKS

CHOKES: # ..Spirations... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Those of you that are not familiar with our musical storytelling work probably already know who we are.

We are pretty much the big dogs

on the children's party entertainment circuit.

Yeah, I think it's cos we're quite cool

and we know how to be cool in front of kids cos we do things like this.

LAUGHTER

That shows we're pretty much down with them.

And also, it's quite topical cos of the gun culture.

A lot of you probably have nieces and nephews

and are probably quite keen to book us

so what we'll do is stage a children's party here.

That way you can see what you're paying for

and we don't have to faff around with references

and CVs and...police checks.

So, this is our introduction song.

# We're the kids' party entertainers today

# We're the kids' party entertainers, come and play

# My name's Eri

# And my name's Daniel... #

Wait! Something's not right!

Sometimes we deliberately mix our names up,

cos if you make a mistake like that, people see that you're human

and you're not this big rock-star party entertainer.

# We're the kids' party entertainers today

# We're the kids' party entertainers, come and play. #

And then we do a bit of banter with the kids,

so if I could have a volunteer?

You, sir, in the purple. Up you come. Yeah, you, up you come.

This is just a bit of banter that we do with the kids.

-So, what's your name?

-Andrew.

-Right, go sit down.

-LAUGHTER

# We're the kids' party entertainers today

# We're the kids' party entertainers, come and play. #

And then we tell them a bit about ourselves.

I'll go first. My name's Daniel.

I like trampolines.

I also like drinking.

Um, I drink a little bit too much.

So much so that the doctor told me I have the liver of a 70-year-old.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah, which I found funny at first as well.

But, it turns out that if I don't have a transplant,

I could potentially die.

And I'm still quite young.

# And I like dancing!

# We're the kids' party entertainers today, ee-aw! #

LAUGHTER

First game we play is Help Ginger And Black Get The Equipment Out Of The Car.

And then, a game of Tootsie.

So, if I could have a volunteer? Oh, you again. Up you come.

-Have you played this before?

-No.

-Pick a colour?

-Red.

R-E-D. And a number?

3?

-One, two... This is fun, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-..Three. One more number?

-2.

-Right, let's find out what you are.

Go and sit down.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Um, I don't think we should play this game any more.

Now that you know a little bit more about us, it's time to get personal.

-Not too personal.

-It's just about my sexual appetites.

At the moment, I'm dabbling in sadomasochism,

which I do with a guy called Mr Pain who I know through Daniel.

Yeah, we're both in HR.

People find it weird, the whole sado thing.

Well, we're going to show you what a night at Mr Pain's house

might be like, because I can see you silently judging me.

-Hello, Mr Pain.

-Hello, female.

-I've come for some...

-Pain?

Oh, I'll show you pain.

Boil the kettle.

I want a cup of tea before we start.

-Can I have one?

-No.

-I love it when you deny me things, you bastard!

# Oh, Mr Pain

# Where'd you get your name?

# Ouch! I see. #

Tell me what games you brought me to play

I thought we'd do some stuff with food today, it's a special day

so I smeared yoghurt in your shoes

Oooh...

Actually, that's quite annoying.

Get on the bed, let me tie you to the rails

# I love making love on a bed of nails! #

-But can I go on top?

-No.

You're too heavy.

# It's not one thing about you, it's everything

# Your tattoos, your piercings, your nipple-rings! #

Thanks, you filthy whore!

They're clip-ons.

# Show me what to do

# Do things to me

-# I'm gonna hurt you, bite you

-Yeah! Oh!

-# Punch you, kick you, kill you

-Oh, yeah!

-# Whoa, whoa - what?

-Maybe not that. #

I've hidden the first-aid kit.

Oh, you ARE naughty!

# I've boiled some pasta! #

OK.

Why?

I thought we could...eat it?

Yeah, you know how I feel about white carbs.

I can't really have them, so...

-Mr Pain, can I show you something I've written?

-Yeah, yeah, sure.

# Roses are red

# Violets are blue

# Norman

# I'd like to get to know you. #

Wow.

Wow, that was rubbish!

My 12-year-old son could do better than that!

-What? You've got kids?

-Yeah, I'm married, I've got a wedding ring.

-What did you think it was?

-A knuckle-duster.

No, it's a small token of mine and Daphne's love.

Can we stop the song, please! Can you stop the s... Oh.

LAUGHTER

Sorry about this, guys.

This has never happened before.

We'll just give Eri a minute.

-Actually, a minute's a bit long.

-It is a bit long.

So, how's your love life?

It's not too bad.

-I went on a date on Friday.

-Oh, are you going to give us the details?

No, I do not kiss and tell, sir.

I kiss and act it out.

I've got a transcript here.

If you wouldn't mind playing the woman, that'd be great.

Cheers, thanks.

So, I walked into this bar and...

across the room was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

She had long luscious hair that swept to the floor,

it was beautiful - except the bit that swept on the floor.

That was quite disgusting.

I walked up to her. "Is this seat taken?"

"I don't think it's been taken as it's still here."

SHE LAUGHS

-"Maybe I could buy you a drink?"

-"G&T, hold the straw."

-"How about a mojito?"

-"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"No, it's just that I have a two-for-one voucher."

I headed to the bar. To my delight, the barman forgot to take the voucher

which meant I could use it again.

"Thanks. Now, tell me about you."

"Well, I don't tell many people this, but I have a low sperm count."

-"Mm."

-"Would you like to dance?"

-"I'd love to dance."

"Good. I'll sit here and watch."

I began to dance for him. Sexily.

Locking eyes and licking my lips

as I did the sultry, sexy moves

of the Macarena.

"Wow, I've never seen such graceful pop rock."

"Thank you. I learnt it in Harlem when I was helping out the little black children."

"I'm so sorry. Negroes."

Our conversation lasted all night.

"..And so I killed him with my bare hands!

"But enough about me working in the nursery.

"What about you?"

-"I work in the City."

-"Let me guess? Investment banking?"

"Close. Upper Crust."

We continued to laugh and giggle until he suggested we should leave.

We walked along the river bank. She started to come on to me.

"Is that an old condom floating by?"

"No, it's a fish."

"It's a shame. I might've asked you to put it on.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-"Sorry, that's too forward."

-"No, not at all."

I grabbed her in my arms and kissed her passionately.

-"You're a very good kisser."

-"I had a very good coach."

"Do you have any brothers?"

AUDIENCE GROANS

I was done with the teasing, I wanted to get her home.

So I hailed a cab. Well, she hailed a cab.

Me being black, I found it a bit difficult.

We finally got home and then we entered the house.

And then what happened?

Then we made the headboards shake and the heavens rumble.

It's a bit sad that you made a transcript.

Oh, I didn't. I got that from the police.

LAUGHTER

So, you're probably wanting us to end on a song about jogging? Good!

# Where've you been, son?

# Why are you looking so tired and worn and weary? #

I've been for a run, Ma.

# Where've you been, son?

# Why's Mr Windy been sweeping through your hair? #

I've been for a run, Ma.

# Where've you been, son?

# Why are your snowdrop eyelids so heavy? #

Are you fucking deaf?

I said I went for a run, you fat cow.

-We've been Ginger and Black, thank you.

-Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Ginger and Black!

Thank you very much for watching Good News! Good night, my friends!

Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd