Episode 9 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

Thank you very much! Wow!

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Did you see what Bill Turnbull wants to do with Dominic Cooper?!

Cosy up to you and lick you on the face.

I don't know about you but I think this bloke's a bit simple.

Dinosaurs are brilliant.

And penguins are amazing!

On Channel 4 they interviewed a woman who really sounds like Elmo.

-..Caught up the peaceful protesters in amongst everybody else.

-No, no.

No, no, this information is not correct.

Today the police did not enter the park.

Elmo on telly.

This report wins my award for cock-up of the week.

I pledge allegiance to the fag, flag.

And finally, is it me

or do is Nick Owen really have a favourite co-host?

Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.

Hello, welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes... Mary Rhodes...

Mary Rhodes... Mary Rhodes.

Mary Rhodes... Mary Rhodes.

So what's been going on?

Well, there's been an attack on the Queen!

A 41-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of causing

criminal damage to a portrait of the Queen at Westminster Abbey.

"Philip! Fetch my blade.

"Yap, yap, yap. I'm going to cut Banksy's bollocks off!"

Mind you, not everyone was upset. I think I know who did it.

I'm joking, it wasn't Charlie. Apparently it was this lot.

The campaign group Fathers 4 Justice said it was one of

its members that spray-painted the picture in the Abbey.

Fathers 4 Justice! Where is

the logic in that protest? "I miss my boy so much!

"I could give him a call or write a letter, nah.

"I'm going to draw on the Queen."

"If that don't work, I'm going to shit on a swan."

It's so stupid. Apparently he caused so much damage.

It's now worth less than the one this guy did.

Mind you, it wasn't just the Queen who got dissed this week.

Did you see what happened to Charles?

Yeah! He took it well.

Because, let's be honest, he's not always great when mascots take the piss...

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

-Oh, I'll

-BLEEP

-have you.

-Charles!

-Stop it! Stop it!

-BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.

Stop it! Charlie, stop it!

Charlie, stop it!

Go on, Harry, do him!

There you go.

APPLAUSE

Now, talking about violence, did you hear about Nigella Lawson?

Police have confirmed tonight they are investigating an apparent

row between the TV chef Nigella Lawson

and her husband Charles Saatchi.

It comes after photographs emerged of him

apparently grabbing his wife by the neck in a restaurant.

He grabbed her by the throat in public. Did you see his excuse?

It was a playful tiff!

"I was just telling her a joke."

"It's the way I tell 'em."

Dah!

So, I'll bet everyone was appalled, everyone except Nick Griffin.

Did you see what he tweeted?

Oh-oh-oh.

Hundreds of people tweeted him back.

In my opinion, my mate's was the best.

Now talking of sexism in politics,

did you hear about the Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard?

A joke menu drawn up by staff at a posh restaurant in Australia

has created a sexism row amongst the country's politicians.

The mock dishes were dreamt up for an opposition party fundraiser

-and they poked fun at the Prime Minister Julia Gillard.

-Poked fun?!

It's a bit more than that. Did you see the meal they came up with?

APPLAUSE

Only in Australia.

Hey, fellas, our Prime Minister has got a ginger fanny.

It looks like a yawning orang-utan.

Poor Julia, it gets worse. The next day she has a radio interview.

Have a look what this idiotic DJ said about her boyfriend Tim

who happens to be a hairdresser.

I think that's probably right, we've certainly seen that this week.

In what way?

That's absurd.

What a twat.

Must be gay, he's a hairdresser.

You know what they say, if he shaves your locks, he loves the cock.

If he likes the perm, he is into sperm. Come on!

Knobhead. Still, all's well that ends well.

An Australian radio DJ has been sacked for asking

Prime Minister Julia Gillard if her partner is gay.

How great would it have been if she turned to him

and said, "You know what they say, if you get sacked from your job, you're a bit of a knob."

Mind you, if you think any of the stories I have shown you

so far are shocking, it has nothing on the horror that

a couple from Nottingham had to deal with this week.

If you are of a nervous disposition, you need to look away now.

Noooooooooooo!

The grass on one side was longer than the other!

Is there no God?

Look at this devastation.

HE SCREAMS

How did this make the news?

The only thing interesting about is I know who cut it.

Ha, ha, ha!

It was me.

Get a life, you fucking bitches.

Boom!

Finally, big news,

have you seen how the government are trying to control immigration.

The government is reportedly considering launching

a campaign deriding Britain as a place to come and work.

The aim is to put off the potential mass

emigration of thousands of Romanians.

The government are making a video to make England look

so shit that it will put off Romanians.

What's that going to look like? This?

You, thinking about visiting Britain?

Well, don't.

Here's three reasons to stay away.

Number one, people here are hardly friendly.

-Hello.

-Fuck off!

The kids aren't much better.

This is the prettiest women we have.

Do you fancy a blowjob?

Great Shitain more like.

Let's be honest...

APPLAUSE

If that doesn't work, they can just show them meeting Prince Charles.

-It's Prince Charles.

-BLEEP

-you.

Elsewhere, shocking health news this week.

A landmark study found patients who have planned surgery on a Friday are

44% more likely to die than those have their operation on Monday.

-I'll bet everyone who booked for a Friday just got a...

-Liquid ass.

I bet doctors take the piss. "Your operation is on... Thursday.

"You should have seen your face!

"Oh no, it is Friday."

Not that it is the strangest health news.

Have you seen what you can they do during surgery?

To some it is the stuff of nightmares,

the idea of being awake during a major operation.

But patients at one hospital opting for a local anaesthetic,

rather than being knocked out, to help distract them,

they can watch their favourite film while the surgery is taking place.

Patients can watch a film during their operation.

Surely, that's going to put the doctor off. "Can you fix my broken leg?"

"Not until they find Nemo."

Apparently it calms the patient down. Really?!

What if you are watching Saw?

Horror films and operations, never going to work.

The key to a good circumcision, you have to be very gentle.

Fucking 'ell!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Everything all right, Doctor?

Yeah, fine.

From freaky operations to a freaky new gym class

sweeping across America.

This is called animal flow

and the whole class involves acting like an animal.

They are getting fit by pretending to be animals.

"How was your workout?"

"Great. Spent an hour licking my balls."

"Were you doing animal flow?"

"Yeah."

This is great news for lazy people.

"I am being the sloth."

It is ridiculous.

You don't see animals copying us.

I've never turned my dog, "Fancy a walk?"

"No thanks, Russ, I am exhausted from Zumba."

"Me and the girls did it earlier and I am absolutely bushwhacked."

It is madness. Animals and exercise, not a good idea.

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

Especially if they get dogs in the class.

You feel really bloated today.

Take that, yeah!

Mind you, it isn't all bad news.

Scientists have figured out the secret to winning a woman's heart.

It is claimed, carrying a guitar

can increase the chances of getting a date.

Researchers in France have found women are 31% more

likely to give their number to a man with a guitar.

Well, all right.

HE RIFFS

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Do you fancy a blowjob?

Next up, did you see the ingenious way the police got

a couple of car thieves to surrender?

Police say the two suspects were wanted for stealing a car and

ended up fleeing into the stairwell of this Emerson Street home.

Police hostage negotiators threatened to unleash the canine units

but the dogs were not available.

The dogs were unavailable, so what did they do? Use tear gas instead?

-No.

-Officers pretended to bark like dogs and it worked.

They pretended to be dogs and the criminals were

so scared they came out.

Can you imagine their faces when they realised what had happened.

"We surrender. Oh, for fuck's sake!"

"I told you those dogs were laughing... One of them knew your name."

Imagine the moment the police came up with that plan.

"I've got an idea. Let's pretend to be dogs."

"That's brilliant, but can I be a cat?"

"Do whatever you want."

"Raaarrrrh."

Just one policeman saying, "Can I be a penguin?"

So insane.

But it is not my favourite case of mistaken identity in the news.

Did you read about this? Get ready. It's amazing.

So what was this terrifying beast?

That is unbelievable, isn't it?

"Hello, police. Yes, it's a tiger, yes, he's walking on two feet.

"He's eating a kebab, you need to get here quickly."

The worst thing, that poor bloke ran into Prince Charles.

Hey! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie Baked Potatoes.

Charlie Cockles, hey!

Oooh-aaah!

-Take that you,

-BLEEP

-tiger

-BLEEP.

In education news, did you hear about this?

Hundreds of thousands of 11-year-olds in England are sitting

a controversial new spelling and grammar test from today.

I'm not surprised, some kids really struggle with spelling.

It gets worse, some of them can't even spell rapper.

That's a very different thing.

Finally, I've saved the strangest for last.

Have a look at this story from South Africa.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Well, that is every single shade of "what the fuck?"

Imagine him in the playground. "Good weekend?"

"Yeah, I spent it in bed with the missus.

"We made a fort...

"Yeah."

"Had a moat and all sorts of shit."

Mind you, I feel a bit sorry for her. "What does my husband do? Lego."

Could the story get stranger? It can.

Look at the reason why the kid married her.

How weird is that. His granddad is the horniest ghost ever.

"Wake up."

"What is it granddad?"

"I need to ask you a favour."

"Do you want me to tell the family that you are in a better place?

"You are at peace, finally your soul can rest forever?"

"No."

"I want you to fuck Ethel."

AUDIENCE GROANS

Either that... Either that or his brother can do a really

good impression of his granddad.

Just hid under the bed. "Oh, yeah! Marry that old lady!

"Touch her tits and everything.

"That's what happens when you steal my FUCKING marbles!"

As you can imagine, people on the Internet have gone crazy about this story.

This guy is not a fan.

Who does stuff like that

because your dead ancestor told you to do something, don't mean you got to do it.

If my dead ancestor had told me, "Eddie, 1910 the white people

"did some very bad things to me and I want you to go and kill them all."

Hell, no! I'm not going to kill all the white people for your ass.

I don't know you. You dead. I'm going to jail.

I'm not going to do that cos my dead ancestor told me to do something.

You go. I don't even know you, you dead ancestor.

You know I love you because you're my family,

but I don't know you like that. I'm not going to kill anybody.

And I'm damn sure I'm not going to marry an old ass person when I am eight years old.

Not a fan.

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There will be a mystery guests who's been in the news. I have to work out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

I'm stalking it with my powers. Hello. Nice to meet you.

-Hello, I am Boyarde.

-Boyarde?!

-Yes.

-What a terrific name.

-Thank you very much.

-I've not heard that before, what does it mean?

-It's actually a Russian packet of cigarettes.

-Well, there you go.

So, nice to meet you.

-It would appear to be something to do with art?

-Yes, that's correct.

-We have a naked lady.

-Yes. Quite a good clue.

It's a good clue? We have apples.

-Apples or the naked lady.

-The naked lady.

-Is more...?

-Yes.

-OK.

So do you paint naked ladies?

My goodness, you are getting very warm, yes I do.

In every sense, I'm getting very warm.

I'm getting red hot. Am I going to be painting a naked lady later?

Ohhhhhh!

Well, this could be very exciting.

APPLAUSE

I'll give you another clue.

In terms of the naked lady, so it's a unique canvas

so maybe you want to concentrate a bit more on the female body.

It's a very unique canvas.

I can see which bit you are visualising, it's not that bit.

OK, see if you can guess what I am looking at just by the way my eyes are going.

-Round?

-No.

-No.

Small and minute and circular.

I think I'm going to stop there

-because you're going in the wrong direction.

-It was the elbow.

-Ohhh!

-It was.

-OK.

-Did you think I meant the clitoris?

That would be tiring in an art class, just finding it.

Just put your finger there are so I know where it is when I come back.

So why are you in the news exactly, you are a nude painter?

Do you paint in the nude yourself? Is there a twist?

-I specialise in hand painting ladies' bottoms.

-Terrific.

I'm making the headlines at the moment

because my pop-up bottoms are in the media everywhere.

What a fantastic and interesting job.

APPLAUSE

Do you paint on their bums or do you paint their bums?

-I paint on their bottom.

-Wow!

Is it only women that you paint?

I've only ever painted one male before and that is my husband.

We had to shoot it twice because it involved olive oil and sand.

It got in places that it shouldn't have got. The final image...

Please tell me he's called Lawrence

and there is some sort of Lawrence of Arabia...

No, actually my husband is called Norrin Rudyard Kipling Braster

so it just gets better and better.

HE MOUTHS

-Norris Rudyard...

-Norrin Rudyard Kipling Braster.

-Awesome!

-I know.

-What does he do?

I'm guessing he doesn't work in Greggs.

He's a very pragmatic man, he works with his hands. He is a mechanic.

He is a mechanic!

But I think it's time that we teach you how to paint

and maybe give you a canvas of your own.

I look forward to that.

-Here we go.

-So... What are we going to do?

First of all I'm going to show you some of my work.

-I'm going to open the curtains.

-OK.

-Here we have, if you want to stand on the other side...

-Absolutely.

-Have a look at my wonderful model.

-Fantastic.

-I see you're not shy of having a look.

-No, I'm allowed. Hello.

-Hi!

Feels a bit weird to just be staring at...

I'm going to just finish a few layers, but basically what I've

done is I've painted the backdrop and she's

blending in with this image, and it's all pop art and you can see

at the bottom there's a lovely sign, "She was explosive and he knew it."

-Nice!

-So if I basically show you...

That could be an anti-diarrhoea ad, couldn't it?

-Well, hopefully that won't be the case.

-How did you two meet?

I imagine that's kind of a...

Did you say, "You've got a lovely bum. I've got some paints."

-She has got a beautiful bottom. It can't be denied.

-Absolutely.

I said, "I'd love to paint you someday," and we have lots of fun creating art together.

See, blokes don't have those chats.

"Dave, can I just say, I know we're enjoying the game

"and everything, but your arse is magnificent."

Here we go. I'm just going to put this final colour on, and then

it would be photographed and we have a beautiful piece of art.

It looks absolutely wonderful. That's worth a round of applause.

So...

if you would like to stand over here.

I look forward to my lady.

And I would like you to pull from this side all the way across.

Madam, for what I'm about to do to you, I'm very sorry.

AUDIENCE GASPS AND SCREAMS

So basically, this is your canvas.

Let's just hope to God that he doesn't get a liquid air.

The problem with your canvas is it's a bit hairy.

The logistics of the hair is kind of getting in the way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's that? 18 wheeler!

Now he's legal.

You could start again, get some white,

cover it in white quickly, do a wonderful Mona Lisa face. Cover it up.

-There we go. Quick, quick.

-Done.

-Look at that.

-Lovely.

-It really is.

She's a bit sunburnt on one side.

I'm going to do her eyes evil red.

-Yes, fabulous.

-That's one eye.

Amazing.

She's not happy.

There you go! I enjoyed that immensely.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!

Have you heard about the new shoe that Google has invented?

This new Google invention gives a whole new meaning to the phrase

sticking your foot in your mouth.

It's called the talking shoe,

a concept from Google that is designed to talk back to its user.

-MALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:

-Here we go.

I love the feeling of wind in my laces.

Google have invented a talking shoe.

I tell you what, if you worked in the factory where they made them,

you'd have some fun. Just programme it to go, "Ow, ow, ow."

Just when they go past a school, "I'm a paedo!"

"No, it's my shoe! It's the shoe!"

It would have been great at the Olympics to hear Usain Bolt's shoes.

Imagine that - "Fucking hell! Slow down, you crazy fucker!"

What if your shoes are evil?

And they just whisper at you.

"Hey you, I want you to jump on the bin. Jump on the bin!"

Not that it's the weirdest business idea in the news.

Did you hear about this?

Imagine if they did that here? How cool would that be?

-Hi, cappuccino, please.

-Sure.

HE MOUTHS

Just a lovely cappuccino for you there. And now for my payment.

Oh, I don't have any money on me.

Mum!

HE GASPS IN HORROR

You!

Fancy a blow job?

# Mad world... #

It was actually all right. I don't know why I'm moaning.

Next up, a really lovely story about a little boy called Harley Lane.

Cheeky, chatty and very energetic,

Harley Lane is like any seven-year-old.

But four years ago, just walking was a distant dream for Harley

after he contracted meningitis, and his arms and legs amputated.

Now he's walking 1.5 kilometres in the Great Manchester Mini Run,

raising money for the Royal Manchester Children's Hospital.

Hooray! I'll be starting it off

and also be running it. I might be a bit behind.

Please welcome a very special young man, seven-year-old Harley Lane.

He began the day as honorary starter

before heading to the start line himself.

He'd never walk that far on his prosthetics before, so it was a big

challenge for him to do it.

Did you sleep well or are you a bit nervous?

Nervous!

He needn't have worried, as half an hour later,

Harley was taking the applause. The bravest of finishes.

-Tell me what it was like running around there?

-Very, very tiring.

You did absolutely amazing. He's done great. I'm so proud.

It's the first big thing he's done for long-distance,

and he's definitely going to remember it for ever. It's amazing.

In the sporting arena,

Harley managed to prove you can be a winner just by taking part.

What a little legend!

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my stand-up guest. He's gigged all round the world,

he's very funny and a good mate of mine.

Please welcome Mr Jarred Christmas!

Good evening. Thanks, team. Yeah!

Whoo! All right. Thanks a lot.

Thanks for having me, everybody. Like you had a choice.

I guess we'd better sort some things out straight from the top, yeah?

Deal with some issues. First of all, let's deal with the audio.

What's going into your ear holes, mate. I'm not from here.

I'm from somewhere else, from New Zealand.

There's something about the New Zealand accent, isn't there?

I'll tell you what it is. It's sexy.

I know a few of you ladies have been affected in the downstairs

region already. There's a lot of moisture in the air tonight.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It is such a sexy accent, I wouldn't be surprised

if some of you ladies walked away a little bit pregnant tonight.

It's one of those risks.

It also sexy enough that there's probably

a couple of guys tonight going, "Oh, my God, I've got a semi on."

And now all the posh people are sitting there going,

"Semillon? That's a lovely glass of wine.

"Hmm! I love a vintage Semillon."

So that's the audio dealt with.

Ticked that box. We are moving on...to the visuals.

Or the "viz-u-als" if you're a dick.

I'm quite a hairy man.

I don't mind admitting that. Any other hairy men in the room?

Come on! Roar like the bears you are!

FEEBLE GROWLING

"Not really a grizzly bear! More a teddy bear!

"Come on! Put me in the room with your kids."

Awkward. Awkward, you're right.

But at least you admit it.

There's too many guys out there who are hairy and they don't admit it

because they think the ladies don't like it.

Because for too long society has been telling us

that the ladies don't like body hair on a man!

FOR TOO LONG...

..the movies have given us hairless men and told us they are beautiful!

For too long...

magazines have said a hairy man is not your ideal man.

But guess what, ladies? You love it.

Openly you don't admit it, but it deep down you know there's nothing

better than rubbing your faces into the downy softness of a man's back.

GROANING

It's one of life's little gifts.

You have not spooned until you've spooned

and got your face tickled at the same time.

We all know that famous saying.

If you want great nookie, bag yourself a Wookiee. We all know that.

It's on T-shirts. I've got that slogan on my underpants, mate.

Right on my underpants. Love it.

But I tell you what, I don't like these girls out there

who've got the attitude of, "Uh! I don't want a hairy man.

"Eugh, err, uh!

"I want a man that's hairless and muscly and smooth

"and sleek and streamlined."

That's a dolphin.

You'd just be in bed at night going, "Good night, sweetheart!"

HE CLICKS LIKE A DOLPHIN

It's freakish and it's wrong.

It's the equivalent of men who are obsessed with women

who are unnaturally thin.

You know women who are so thin,

they're like, "Oh, my God, look at me! I am so thin!

"I am so hungry.

"I'm so thin, the other day I caught a ride on the back of a sparrow.

"And it didn't know I was there.

"I'm so thin, it would like putting your willy

"into sheet of A4 paper.

"I'm so thin, if you were to shine a torch on my stomach,

"it would glow out my back.

"I'm so thin..." Fuck off!

APPLAUSE

Exactly! Thank you!

Someone had to say it! Someone had to say it!

And I'll tell you this. I'm not interested in a woman like that.

What I want is a woman who eats cheeseburgers

and can protect me in a fight.

And that is why I married a British girl. It's a true story.

Married a British girl. Whoo! Passport!

And I say British, because she's part English, part Welsh,

which means when I visit the valley...

..I have to pay.

The other way is free, though, so...

Look, she doesn't know I'm doing that joke,

so it's stays in the room, people. Stays in the room.

And also, I hope she doesn't watch this. Don't watch this. I love you!

No, I don't want to show off, but me

and my wife, we've done the willy-fanny thing,

boom, we've got a baby. It was pretty romantic.

And two years later, we did the willy-fanny thing, boom,

got another baby. I mean, this guy works, doesn't he!

How awesome is this guy?! I'll tell you how awesome.

I high-five him every day.

Now, my oldest daughter is three years old,

and she wakes up every morning at 6am.

Six o'clock in the morning she's wide-awake and she's happy.

Oh, she's delighted it's another day!

And I want to know, at what point in your life does that stop?

Because if you're an adult and you wake up at 6am

and you're happy about it, there is something wrong with you.

If your partner wakes up at six o'clock in the morning

and the first thing they say, "Whoo! Ready to face the day!

"Up and at 'em!"

Get the hell out, you're living with a serial killer.

My daughter, when she wakes up at six o'clock in the morning,

she shouts out, "Daddy, it's morning!"

It's like the most beautiful alarm clock ever that you can't hit

snooze on because that's child abuse.

When she calls out, I go into her room

and I don't want to negatively influence her day.

So I try and be happy about the fact that I'm in there,

but that's really hard. It's six o'clock in the morning.

I don't want to be awake! I stumble into her room.

I've still got sleep in my eyes. I'm in my boxer shorts.

I've got a semi on. It's not a good look.

It's not a good look and at six o'clock in the morning,

I'm still half dreaming of dragons.

Yeah, that's right, mate. I dream of dragons.

You know why? Because I'm a man.

And men dream of dragons.

Girls don't dream of dragons. Girls dream of ponies and shit.

But men dream of dragons.

You've had the dragon dream, haven't you, mate? I can see it in your eyes.

I can tell. But there's four types of dragon dream, mate.

Which one did you have? Don't worry, I can tell.

I can see it on your face. Did you fight the dragon? No.

Were you flying on the dragon? No, it wasn't that.

Were you the dragon? No.

It was the fourth one! You were banging the dragon!

Good man! Good man!

You be proud of that, my friend. You be proud of that.

Because that is one scary mythical beast and you put your dick in it.

Well done. Don't be ashamed.

Next time someone says to you, "What's your dream?"

You get right up in their grill and say, "In my dreams, I fuck dragons."

And I guarantee you won't get that job.

So...it's a dragon diversion.

And...just chatting about my daughter waiting at 6am

and I can't deal with it. I don't understand why.

She's three years old. What have you got a do?

Show me your to-do list. Got a lot on your schedule?

No! You've got nothing! Go back to sleep for three hours.

The thing she's really obsessed with at the moment

is that song Gangnam Style.

Oh! It does my head in!

I now know why North Korea's kicking off.

If you're getting that song blasted into your country 24/7,

that's enough to drive anyone insane.

Yeah, build a nuclear bomb,

just to drop it on yourself to end the misery.

The thing is, I want my daughters both to have New Zealand passports.

I want them to have New Zealand passports

so when they turn 15, they have to bungee jump.

Because that's what I did. When I was 15 I did a bungee jump

off a bridge over a river, and they measured the bungee

so that my head got dumped in the river.

It was pretty scary, but I came up with a wild salmon in my mouth.

Good times.

And then I moved over here and found out you guys were doing

bungee jumps off cranes over car parks.

What the hell is wrong with you people?!

Did you hear about the guy that measured the bungee wrong

so his face went straight into the car park?

But he came up with Richard III in his mouth.

Good times. Good times.

Historical and topical.

One thing I've been really trying to get into over here is football.

I've been really trying to get into it,

but I don't like it for this reason.

I hate it when players go to the ground pretending they're injured

to try to get a penalty and they curl into the foetal position.

It's a classic! They go into the foetal position

and it slows the game down and it's tedious. I want it to change.

That's what I want to play Premiership football.

I'll be honest with you,

I am rubbish and I'm pretty confident I don't know the rules.

But this is what I will bring to the game.

If I'm on the field

and a player drops to the ground pretending to be injured and

they curl into the foetal position, I'm going to run in and spoon them.

Really, really tuck in there, get three points of contact,

stroke their hair going, "It's OK, I love you. I love you."

They'll be on their feet pretty quick after that, won't they!

Exactly.

I'll tell you what, I'll improve the game.

No-one will go to the ground

when old Spoony Christmas is on the field!

Job done.

I live in quite a middle-class area of London at the moment,

not showing off, just happened. Thanks.

And there's a cafe around the corner from my house that my wife loves

and I don't really like it. I think it's pretty average.

The coffee's average, the hot chocolate's average

and all the croissants are all weirdly straight.

And I keep complaining about that

and they get angry at me and say, "It's a baguette!"

Pricks.

But what I love is they sell yesterday's muffins for half price.

And I love a bargain. And I love a muffin. Win-win!

And when you purchase something there,

they enter in the till and a little screen facing you comes up

with an abbreviation of what you've just purchased.

And I'm a proper Kiwi, I love a good abbrevo,

and the abbrevo for yesterday's muffins - day-old muff.

Yes! Day-old muff.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've put on weight recently. I've put on a lot of weight.

I know you've been trying to figure out how to tell me politely, but I already know.

Jeans sizes now, it's about 38-inch waist

where jeans manufacturers start thinking,

"This guy could not possibly be shorter than six foot five."

So you get the really long leg, and you've got two options.

Either you sacrifice the bottom of your jeans to the

underside of your heel, or you do the classic turn-up.

Ah! The turn-up! The signal you've put on weight!

Ah! The other night I had my jeans turned up,

undid the turn-up, bit of cookie fell out.

Now, don't get me wrong, I ate it.

But it wasn't a high point.

Because, basically, I'm too fat for my height,

and I blame that entirely on my height.

Because I'm average height.

Average height, you know what average height means?

Not tall enough to be awesome, not short enough to be magical.

Just in the middle, boring, average.

And the other day, my doctor told me I was clinically obese.

I didn't have an appointment, she just shouted out on the street.

"What are you basing that on?" She said, "The BMI index."

"Well, that's the last time I fly that airline!"

Thanks, guys.

Deserves one button to be undone on that one, doesn't it?

But I'll be honest. Here's the truth-bomb time.

Not even a 38-inch waist.

I'm a 37-inch waist, which is even worse!

Because it's in between jeans sizes.

And they don't make waist sizes in odd-sized numbers,

so either I have to squeeze in to a size 36 or swim in a 38.

Now my ego says, "Get in the 36, mate."

But when I'm in the 36, my thighs are going,

"Good luck getting upstairs! This shit is tight!"

Or I swim in the 38, so whenever I bend over,

I give the dirty smile to the world.

No-one wants to see that cheeky grin.

And actually, two weeks ago, I was walking down the street.

I was in my 38s.

I had to tie my shoelaces, I bent over, dirty smile pops out,

and a guy dropped a peanut down my crack.

How opportunistic was that guy?

You can't plan for that.

I don't know what he did that day,

but he made a series of decisions that put him in the right place

at the right time with the right snack food for the job.

Maybe earlier on he went into a shop and he was thinking,

"I'm a bit peckish, I might buy some crisps."

Then he sees the peanuts and he's thinking,

"OMG! I've not had peanuts for years."

So he buys the peanuts,

he's walking down the street, feeling pretty smug

about his snack choice, when suddenly

he is presented with an opportunity that only a peanut will do.

Sure, you could try a crisp, but that's going to drift off target.

Peanut - bang on the money!

This guy, cool as a cucumber, did not say a word,

dropped off his payload, continued on his way.

I'm down there tying my shoelace, I feel something go in,

I look up, and I know it was a dry-roasted peanut...

because he was walking away presenting the packet.

And that was two weeks ago, and I'll be honest with you,

I've not found that peanut.

LAUGHTER

I've been Jarred Christmas! Good night!

Give it up for Jarred Christmas!

That's Good News. Good night, my friends, good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd