Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you!

Hello!

And welcome to Good News! So what's been happening?

Either this bloke has a massive erection or he's hiding a dwarf.

LAUGHTER

That is nothing. Did anyone else see that gnome wanking on the news?

Gnomes, banned for 100 years, have been spotted here at Chelsea.

LAUGHTER

I think we all know he's Happy.

Now, here's a question.

Did anyone else think that Sky's coverage of the Oklahoma tornado

was a little bit shit?

We'll be live to Oklahoma for the very latest on the tornado.

LAUGHTER

The latest, there, from Jeremy Thompson.

LAUGHTER

And finally,

is it me or does Morgan Freeman find Michael Caine a little bit boring?

They then, in the movie, show you

how it was done without CGI.

LAUGHTER

It was a wondrous thing to sit there.

We were in the audience last night. I'd never seen it before...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

..incredible because they actually show you, you know,

in the film the police come in and solve how the trick was done.

-I played a magician...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The big news is, of course, the tragic events in Woolwich.

The shocking attack on the streets of London.

Two men are shot by armed police after attacking

what is reported to be a serving soldier.

It was an awful, barbaric attack. The nation was shocked.

Some left flowers at the scene, some donated money

for Help for Heroes and then a few morons did this.

There were attacks on mosques in Kent and Essex.

What a bunch of dicks!

"There's been an attack in Woolwich.

"Let's drive 50 miles away and brick a mosque."

What kind of logic's that?

"Fred West killed people in Gloucester.

"Let's go to Swindon and punch someone!"

-LAUGHTER

-Then it got worse.

Some twats from the English Defence League went to Woolwich to

"reclaim the streets"!

There were confrontations in Woolwich between the police

and a group of around 60 people from the English Defence League.

CHANTING: E...E...EDL! E...E...EDL!

Utter knobs!

"We're going to make the streets safer...by fighting!"

LAUGHTER

"We're gonna clean up the streets by throwing bricks,

"hurling bottles and smashing up shops.

"The only way to stop terrorism is to create more terror!"

If you want to make Britain a better place for your children,

it's probably not a good idea to throw bricks at the fucking police!

Also, does anyone else find it pretty ironic that people

who hate Muslims turned up looking like they were wearing burqas?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're so stupid!

Some of them can't tell the difference between Islam and Narnia.

LAUGHTER

"And don't get me started on Mr Tumnus!"

It wasn't just the EDL being idiotic,

did you hear what happened on Twitter?

Hundreds of people sent tweets like this:

And to where they sending it to?

-EDF Energy.

-LAUGHTER

That's right. People were accusing an energy supplier of being racist.

This poor guy was shitting himself!

LAUGHTER

Some tweets were good, though.

Nick Griffin got slammed after a typically bigoted outburst.

And what was the very first response he got?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I couldn't have put it better myself!

Now, one thing we can all agree on, in times of adversity, you need a strong leader.

David Cameron stepped up and delivered this stirring speech.

This country will be absolutely resolute in its stand

against violent extremism and terror.

We will never give in to terror or terrorism in any of its forms.

"I will work every hour God sends

"until terrorism is a thing of the past."

And where was he 24 hours later?

The Prime Minister has flown off on holiday.

He has gone to Ibiza with wife Samantha.

What an idiot!

The country's on terror alert. He's like,

# Whoa, I'm going to Ibiza! #

Pedro, line out the cocktails. Daddy's going to get bollocked.

LAUGHTER

So why has Dave gone on his hols?

Well, he's had a tough time trying to make gay marriage legal.

The Prime Minister is facing opposition from within his own party

as the Bill to allow same-sex marriage in England and Wales

-returns to the House of Commons.

-You're telling me.

Loads of Tories were outraged. "It's disgusting!

"It's appalling!"

But Norman Tebbit wins my award for overreaction of the week.

Did you see what he said?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What?

"Gay marriage may lead to a lesbian Queen."

I'd love to have seen the Queen's face when she read that!

"Philip!"

LAUGHTER

"It says here that if they pass gay marriage, I'll become a lesbian."

"Really? Can I watch?

"Hello? Kelly Brook? I'm sending a cab."

I tell you what, this is really going to change the Queen's Speech.

"Britain. I've got an announcement to make.

"I am off the Crown Jewels.

"From now on, I shall be known as Your Vagesty."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Gay marriage will lead to a lesbian Queen"? What? And I suppose it will make Prince Harry do this?

LAUGHTER

Mind you...

..if you think what Norman Tebbit said was insane,

look what this bloke in America did.

A dog owner sends his pet to be euthanised

because he thinks his dog is gay.

The pup was humping another male dog.

The owner told shelter workers he refuses to have a gay dog.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Yeah. He wants his dog to be killed cos he's gay. Poor dog. Yeah!

Imagine him in the pound. "What are you in for?" "Too old. You?"

"Too fabulous."

LAUGHTER

"Fetch your bone? Honey, I don't even know your name."

LAUGHTER

# Fly me to the moon... #

Don't fret. Luckily, this story has a happy ending.

A Facebook campaign was set up to try and save the dumped dog

and luckily, he has been adopted and named Elson.

-CHEERING

-All's well that ends well.

Not only that, his new boyfriend loves to be teabagged.

LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, have you seen who fancies being London Mayor?

Eddie Izzard says he's prepared to take the flak

for wanting to pursue a career in politics.

In a recent magazine interview, the comedian confirmed

he will seek the Labour nomination for Mayor of London.

Wow!

Eddie Izzard versus Boris Johnson!

That could be the most amazing, surreal debate ever.

-I want a party with values.

-Reduce crime and disorder.

-Invade Birmingham.

-Pelted with pork pies.

-Take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.

-Triangular doo-dah.

-Porkpie hat on a raptor.

-Killer rabbit.

-Chicken undertakers.

-Beetroot juice!

-Chocolate Hobnobs.

-Macaroon.

-Cake mix.

-Cyborg.

-Tooty.

-Badger.

-Pigs and squirrels.

-Whiff-whaff.

-Helicopters!

-Bicycles.

-Bonk.

-Codswallop.

-What?

-Flabbergasted.

-Lipstick.

-Pussycat.

-Bisexual hermaphrodite.

-Very ni-i-ice!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is a debate we would all watch.

Mind you, if you think those two are odd choices for a mayor,

check out this story from America.

Robert Tufts might look like your average preschooler

but this little guy has got more credentials

than most men ten times his age.

He's the mayor of his own town.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

A town in America has a four-year-old mayor!

Imagine his manifesto. "I will be strong on green issues.

"Or as I call them, bogies."

LAUGHTER

"I'm going to give the economy a Boost and if it's really nice, a Twix."

LAUGHTER

Imagine him in debates.

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home

"but it still claimed benefits and that is bullshit."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Or maybe he went, "If you don't vote for me, I'll tell everyone you touched me."

LAUGHTER

You can't have toddlers running a city.

They won't be able to handle complicated issues like crime and finance.

Some of them still can't get their heads around how ball machines work.

LAUGHTER

"How are they appearing?"

From a toddler mayor to a really lazy bastard.

Some bloke in America has been paying another man in China

to do his job for him.

A US computer programmer actually outsourced his own job to China

so he could goof off at work.

He paid the Chinese programmers about one fifth

of his six-figure salary while he surfed the internet.

That is unbelievable!

I, Russell Howard, would never do that!

Did you see what he was doing at work instead?

Bob devoted his work time to Facebook, Reddit,

eBay and cat videos. LAUGHTER

In fairness, they are funny.

LAUGHTER

That was great fun!

This next story's amazing.

Check out who the Germans are sending into space.

German porn star Coco Brown

is training to be the first porn star in space.

They're sending a porn star to space!

Fair to say, her co-presenter - little bit excited about this story.

Oh, my God! It's a porn star in space!

You think he's happy? Check out how the astronauts felt.

LAUGHTER

I'd love to see the moment she met up with them.

The other astronauts, "I trained for hours in zero gravity."

"I have a degree in astrophysics. What's your special skill?"

And her just going,

"Pass me that ping-pong ball."

HE MIMES TO TUNE OF THE BLUE DANUBE

Christ, there'll be aliens at the windows like this.

LAUGHTER

My favourite part of the story is the way this reporter sums it up.

If you're worried about how she's going to do

and if she's going to be all right, she's already been in German porn.

Believe me, she can take it.

Aargh!

LAUGHTER

That is such a window into his life.

LAUGHTER

"She can take it!

"I once saw a German girl shag so many men,

"by the time she had finished, she had a..."

-Liquid ass.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, if you think porn in space is bizarre,

have a look where it appeared in New Zealand.

Families watching Prime TV this afternoon got a shock

when the grassroots rugby show they were watching

was suddenly replaced by hardcore porn.

An Auckland woman watched in disbelief as the rugby turned to Desperate Blackwives Two.

There you go.

LAUGHTER

"There you go!"

Porn interrupted a rugby game.

Imagine that moment. "Come on! Score a try!

"You can...holy shit!"

LAUGHTER

"Well, that is not how you do the Haka!"

LAUGHTER

"Do you think she's going to be all right?

"Yeah, mate. She's been in German porn.

-"She can take it."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It is outrageous though, isn't it?

Showing porn in the middle of a TV show.

For Christ's sake, you're here to entertain, not show random bits of film. I would never...

From the makers of Cock the Week

and Big Fat Jizz of the Year comes Russell Howard's Wood News.

HE MOANS

LAUGHTER

I was very young and I needed the money.

Go to the music. Go to the fucking music!

Next up, big religious news in Russia.

When you hear the words Christian music,

images like this might come to mind.

CHORAL SINGING

But the Church has decided to get with the times.

The Tulskaya diocese has decided to allow its younger members

the opportunity to have their voices heard

and the way they've decided to do this is by rapping.

Yeah. Basically they're getting rid of hymns and replacing it with rap.

Imagine that.

# When I say "Jesus" you say "yeah"

# He looked like a Bee Gee and he had good hair

# Judas betrayed him but he don't mind

-# Cos he can turn water into

-BLEEP

-wine

# In the name of the Father the Ghost and the Son

# I baptise all the bitches and I shoot my gun

# I got loads of gold and a massive rod

# Now go in peace and thanks be to God.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It would be quite cool...

..but I don't think it's going to work cos rap and religion, bad idea.

Believe me.

-# Well, I wrote this song for the Christian youth...

-Lovely.

-# I want to teach kids the Christian truth...

-Sweet.

# If you want to reach those kids on the street

-# Then you've got to do a rap to a hip hop beat...

-Gentle.

-# I gave my sermon an urban kick...

-Ooh!

-# My rhymes are fly...

-Eee!

-My beats are sick...

-Lovely!

# My crew is big and it keeps getting bigger

# That's cos Jesus Christ is my nigger. #

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What?!

How did he possibly think that was going to be OK?

LAUGHTER

If you create something that shocking, don't film it!

If I did something awful, like, I don't know,

let's say I made a film where some girl did me up the jacksie with a strap-on,

I would never show that, you'd keep it hidden.

LAUGHTER

HE GROANS

Mm! Liquid ass!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, I was a little bit older but I still needed the money.

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I need to figure out who that is.

So please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Very well indeed. How are you?

-Good.

-What's your name?

-Norman.

-Norman. Right.

It would appear to have something to do with birds. Um...um...

Let me think, have a look-see.

-Erm, is it to do with parrots?

-No.

-Canaries?

-No.

-Budgies?

-Yes.

Right.

Why have you been in the news?

Are you the world's best budgie...

No. Not the world's best budgie, no.

LAUGHTER

I've got to show you some love. Shake my hand. That was a good gag!

That's a firm grip! How many budgies have you killed?

HE CHIRPS

You're not the world's best budgie killer?

I'm just going to kill a load of budgies with a hammer!

-Have you ever killed a budgie?

-No, no, no, no. My dog did.

-Your dog killed a budgie.

-It got stuck in his throat.

-LAUGHTER

-Right. OK.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Do you have the most budgies in the world?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

LAUGHTER

-I actually work in a circus.

-You work in a circus?

It must be a pretty shit circus.

"Behold the budgie!" Not elephants, just budgies?

We're not allowed elephants in the circus nowadays.

We have domesticated animals.

-Horses, ponies and the budgies.

-And the budgies.

-So why have you been in the news?

-Why have I been in the news?

-Yes.

I've been voted the world's longest-living ringmaster!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...

..did you know from an early age that you could be a master of the ring?

LAUGHTER

Well, the first time I went into the ring was in 19...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-I can't say anything around here, can I?

-I know.

It wasn't even legal then!

LAUGHTER

Now, ha-ha! The first time I performed...

-In the ring! I know!

-LAUGHTER

-The first time you leapt in the ring doesn't work.

-Ha-ha!

What word are we looking for?

-The first time I entertained in the ring?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

The first time I went in the ring was in 1948.

Then you go. You've been in the ring since 1948!

LAUGHTER

I feel like I'm talking to my future self. It's amazing.

You mean to say you're going to look like me?

I hope I look like you. You're a good-looking man. How old are you?

-Me? 77.

-There you go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're looking all right on it.

-Have you had any awful incidents happen?

-Of course you do, at times.

You know, they sometimes attack.

-But you'll see them in a...

-Budgies attack?

Yeah. Oh, yeah!

Have you got any diva budgies that just cos they're sort of glamorous

-you have to deal with them?

-Yeah. Of course.

Who's your biggest diva? What's her name?

-Actually, they're all male budgies.

-Oh, right.

All male and two of them have paired up.

LAUGHTER

That's fine, it's the '90s.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to introduce you to the budgies and run a budgie circus.

Get in! Let's do that! We're going to run a budgie circus.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Norman.

First of all, I think I look a bit like Boris Johnson's sperm.

LAUGHTER

You could say that, couldn't you?

So what are we going to do with these critters?

-You're not frightened of them, are you?

-A little bit, yeah. I want to hit them.

I want to hit them but my instinct says kill.

LAUGHTER

You never know what they might do to you.

But if they do that to me I'll put them on a George Foreman grill.

I'll show you a couple of tricks

-and you will have to do the next one.

-Gotcha!

I've gotcha but listen, you got to learn this one. It's a twist.

-You've got to pick up, put him on the other hand, like that.

-Sexy.

Let him down. You have a go at doing that.

-OK. There you go.

-Pick him up. Put your hand up to him.

Be brave. Be positive.

Right. Positive.

Put him on your other finger. Above it. Above it.

No, in front of it.

There. There, like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I was just there!

-I'll show you again. Watch this, watch this.

-Right. Pick up.

-Yeah.

-Now, straight in front of him, like that.

-I see.

Now you have a go. Turn around. Sitting in the wrong place.

-Sit down. Good boy. Sit down. Pick up. Don't go like this.

-No, no.

LAUGHTER

-Positive! Strong!

-I will!

You're a big, strong man.

Dealing with budgies!

LAUGHTER

-Oh, let me do it.

-You're going to do it. You're doing well.

Right in. Push your hand in.

Push your hand in. Go on, go on.

Go on!

LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

-APPLAUSE

I'll show you a couple of things they can do.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen.

The fabulous budgie trainer, Russell Howard.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Off you go, here we go. Let's get going. Here we go.

That's it, off you go.

APPLAUSE

Now you stand over the other side.

-Right, you chase them up.

-Hurry up, hurry up. Come on.

Not too much. That's it, you're doing well.

Keep going. Come on, hurry up. Hurry up.

Right. Sit down there. Oi! Come on, come on!

Come on, just get them to sit down.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How do you stop them doing this?

Stand at the other end then they come down. Come on, guys.

Come on, guys. Hurry up. That's the one. Come on, come on. Hurry up.

LAUGHTER

Up the top. There we go. There they go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

And the wonderful budgies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, have a look at what the Dutch equivalent of Jonathan Ross did on prime-time TV.

You think it's shocking hearing about it? Wait till you see it!

AUDIENCE GROANS

AAA...

..AARGH!

He drank tit milk!

It wasn't just me that was shocked, even her baby was terrified!

LAUGHTER

Some even rang to complain!

Christ, only one person sums up how I feel.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You would never catch me showing something that disgusting on TV.

For Christ's sake, families could be watching...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't remember filming that one!

Now, an inspirational story about an artist called Barry West.

Seeing Barry West at work, it's the precision

and patience which is at first extraordinary.

Then he tells you he's only been mouth painting for 18 months.

It started out just trying out a little stick drawing,

just as a bit of fun.

Then it went from there, really, and thought,

"I'm getting some really nice comments back

"after putting some on Facebook."

And I just went more and more and

thought, "I want to practice more and more. I like these comments!"

His progress means his designs could now be sold

around the world on cards, calendars and as prints,

through the Association of Mouth and Foot Painters.

It's quite an achievement

but Barry is used to doing what he sets his mind to.

His car crash at 19 left him unable to use his legs or arms

but in the 16 years since, he's been skydiving,

become a qualified scuba diver and scaled Ben Nevis.

He doesn't just take part

but is also a team leader on various expeditions.

When I was able-bodied and you think,

"I want to go and do something," you know, you can do it next week,

the week after, and you think, "I'll get round to it."

But where I've had a lot of my physical ability taken away where I've only got the use of my head,

now I think, "How can I do that?"

Last year he carried the Olympic Torch through Rye.

The Paralympics, he says,

has made a real difference to people's perceptions of those with disabilities

and he hopes he can help those struggling,

as he did for years, to come to terms with spinal injuries.

We're not programmed in to know how to cope with living in a situation

with just the use of your head, and I didn't think it was possible.

So hopefully, some of the things I've gone through

and I've done will help other people in my position to believe in their self.

There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my stand-up guest.

This man is not only very funny, but - pretty exciting -

he's also a geography teacher, so...

-Yeah!

-MURMURS OF APPROVAL

So please welcome Mr Mark Cooper-Jones!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Mark.

CHEERING

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oo-oo!

LAUGHTER

I'd like to start by clearing up that is Mark with a K,

not Marc with a C.

You see, Marcs with a C lack the solid dependability

that the K offers.

There's no debate with a K. It's a "K" sound.

With a C, you have to decide - is it a "K" or an "S" sound?

Is it insect...

or incest?

LAUGHTER

Of course, in the case of the Cornish stag beetle, there's little difference.

Is it Cillit Bang, or Killit Bang?

Chitchat...

This is the sort of ambiguity

that Marcs with a C have to live with every day.

Now, my second name is Cooper-Jones,

which does begin with a C, but if you were unsure of how to pronounce

this particular C, you may call me Mark Super-Jones,

which is in no way an issue for me.

Whilst we're on my name, I'd like to tell you a quick story.

"Hello, I'm Mark," is possibly one of the simplest things you'll ever hear.

Now, I was introduced to somebody recently who said his name was Gavin.

So I said, "Hello, I'm Mark." And he said,

"Bark?"

Now, Mark is a fairly common name.

I'm sure many of you know a Mark, or if you don't,

you're at least au fait with the name Mark.

But Gavin somehow thought it would make far more sense

if I'd been named after the outer layer of a tree.

Of course, he may not have misheard me at all.

He could simply have been giving me an order.

Although it's not something you'd expect to be asked to do

on being introduced to somebody.

"Hello, I'm Mark." "Bark."

"No."

So I can tell that just by looking at me,

a lot of you presume I was educated at some kind of a posh,

all-boys private boarding school where buggery was commonplace

and you were forced to join the cadets, but actually,

I managed to get out of the cadets after a year.

When I wasn't at boarding school, I grew up in Lincolnshire -

the second largest county in the UK,

and very few people know where it is.

It is so boring, so little happens there,

that Wikipedia describes its drainage system

as "fascinating".

Then I went to university, where I studied geography,

and I soon realised, studying geography, there was only really

one career path available to me, and that was teaching.

You see, learning geography leads to teaching geography.

The only reason people teach it

is to create more geography teachers.

It's like a sick self-fulfilling prophecy.

And nobody here is allowed to heckle colouring-in,

because the correct term is in fact "shading".

But there's this stereotype about geography teachers that they're

often in the school to do something besides just teaching geography.

People assume that because your subject is broad,

that your skill-set is equally broad, so when I got asked

a couple of weeks before the end of last term

to go down to the junior school and dress up as Shakespeare for the day,

I thought to myself, "I've finally earned the respect of my department."

I had to talk to some six-year-olds, which can be quite intimidating, because they're very curious,

but I had a script I had to learn, and it began like this.

"Hello, I'm William Shakespeare and I was born in 1564

"in Stratford-upon-Avon. My father, John, was an alderman."

At this point, the first hand went up. "What's an alderman?"

"Good question. Er, an alderman is what my father was."

The teacher who was accompanying them then chipped in at this point and said,

"An alderman is actually someone who's quite respected in the town."

Shakespeare's authority has now been undermined by a primary school teacher, ladies and gents.

I managed to get back on track, and later on

I got another difficult question. "How many plays did you write?"

"40," I answered confidently, and I even followed it up with,

"because I wanted it to be a round number."

The primary school teacher who was accompanying them again chipped in and said, "It was actually 37."

I congratulated myself on getting that close.

But I wasn't going to be undermined a second time, so I said,

"No, it was 40 - you just haven't found three of them yet."

But I loved geography. I really loved the subject.

You get to use lots of great geographical words.

-My favourite geographical word is...

-HE SPEAKS IN GRUFF VOICE:

-..orogeny.

-Spelt with an O.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-Orogeny.

It means the forming of mountains, but you have to use that voice.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-Orogeny.

-Can we all try that on three? One, two, three.

-AUDIENCE: Orogeny.

Oh, that is filth.

The problem with geography is it's not that impressive a subject.

It's not perceived as impressive. If you're at a party,

it's very hard to impress people by, say, listing all of the US states

in alphabetical order in under 20 seconds.

For example...

Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado,

Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois,

Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland,

Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri,

Montana, Nevada, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico,

North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon,

Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah,

Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.

It's just not that impressive.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That says 18.00.

That is a new personal best, with which I am delighted.

CHEERING

Thank you.

Can all the single people in please raise their hands for me?

A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

I'm not.

Keep your hands up.

I did see you all, so...

I'm actually in a lovely relationship.

I've actually got a girlfriend who loves me quite a lot.

You single people should try it. Just get in a relationship.

You'd really enjoy it. Hands up, please.

Hands up.

Just all the hands up that were up.

We're one of those couples who really, sort of, have it all.

Love, joy, happiness...

We're the sort of couple you really enjoy spending time with,

particularly if you're single, because we sort of show you just how good your life could be.

With this in mind,

we like to invite all our single friends round for dinner.

One at a time.

As often as we can.

There are some disadvantages to having a girlfriend.

For example, when they dislocate your jaw.

What happened is, because I'm quite a lot of fun...

LAUGHTER

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

..in the bedroom...

..I was trying to eat her face, OK.

Not in, like, a snogging way - in a "your face is now a meal" way.

So we were just fooling around.

Fun Mark was really starting to hit his stride.

If anything, he was too much fun in the bedroom, because his jaw locked open.

Now, this being a fairly serious problem,

the immediate reaction of those around you is to laugh in your face.

Especially if those around you were just having their faces eaten by the victim of the dislocation.

And there's only really one thing you can do in this situation,

ladies and gents, and that's to go to hospital.

Now, the waiting room in A&E is never a fun place to be

at the best of times.

But when you look like this...

LAUGHTER

..there's only so long you can pretend it's just a big yawn.

ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS DISTINCTLY

GENERAL LAUGHTER

So that's one of the big disadvantages to having a girlfriend.

But in general it's great, being loved, isn't it?

I think deep down what we all really want is to be loved.

When I sign off an e-mail "love Mark" - that is an order.

And one day, whether with my current girlfriend or a future one,

I would like to have kids, and I think having kids will be

amazing, because you can essentially just make more people who love you.

But I don't have any kids of my own at the moment.

I do obviously work with children, as a teacher.

I'd like to start with year nines. Year nines.

It's 13 to 14. This is by far the most pubic year.

And without a doubt, the least pleasant to teach.

And in one particular class, there is one particular child

who the staff refer to only as Smelly Jonathan.

I don't have to read his name out when I do the register.

It simply goes, "Harry?

"James?"

HE SNIFFS

"Michael? Is Michael here?"

"No, sir. He was sitting next to Jonathan in maths

"and now he's being sick in a drain."

The boy smells revolting, but recently, I thought I would do the responsible thing.

I thought I'd have a quiet word with him.

But talking to a 14-year-old boy about the fact he needs to change his hygiene rituals

because it's akin to having a three-day-old corpse in your class

is a difficult conversation to have.

So I kept it geographical.

I said, "Jonathan, what's the principal centre of the unitary authority of North East Somerset?"

"Bath?" "Go home, have one, never enter my classroom again smelling like a favela."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I did a training year, obviously, I did a PGCE year.

You get put in some quite tough schools on your training year.

Mine were no exception. In south-east London they were very difficult schools.

A lot of the kids had challenging behaviour. But you have to understand

that's a lot of them lead difficult home lives.

However, I could never understand why you would eat a worksheet

you had been given...

..and then have the audacity to say the words,

"I've finished my work, sir."

My teaching career began with a reception class in a primary school,

as a teaching assistant. They're aged four to five years old.

It was loads of fun. They have so much energy.

There is nothing funnier than a fat child...

So I began in primary school...

LAUGHTER

..and yes, I did have a favourite.

His name is Peter. His best line of written work read,

"An egg is cold...

"..like the sun."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Possibly the worst analogy I have ever encountered.

I put it on a wall display.

There was another occasion when the class were all changing for PE.

Always a nightmare. The number of five-year-olds who cannot pull down

their shorts without their pants needs to be addressed by parents.

And the girl next to Peter had accidentally done this -

she'd pulled everything down. And Peter's reaction was very sweet.

He simply went... HE GASPS

No!

A lovely child. When I came to leave the school, Peter was a bit upset

that I was leaving, and I got a bit upset that he was upset,

until, that is, ladies and gents, he gave me this as a leaving present.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

LAUGHTER

SOME APPLAUSE

Now...

..never mind the fact that Mark is spelt not only with a C...

but with a U!

Never mind the strange picture of a pink bunny about to commit suicide

off the top of this house.

We can even ignore

the disproportionate size of the tree trunk.

The picture is of a girl!

APPLAUSE

The skirt could have been accidental, but the high heels could not.

It makes me think our entire friendship was based on a monumental misunderstanding on Peter's part.

Ladies and gents, that is from all of me. I've been Mark Cooper-Jones.

You have been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Cooper-Jones!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends!

Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Night-night, Britain!

LAUGHTER

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