Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

Over on BBC London, they showed the shittest magic trick ever.

Meet Andrew Basso, the modern Houdini.

One of a team of great illusionists

coming to do a unique show here in London.

CLATTERING

LAUGHTER

And then this reporter revealed WAY too much.

I've come to a bowling shop in Leeds to talk to Alex.

He's a professional. He's even going to drill me.

LAUGHTER

Here's a tip, if you're going to do an interview on the news,

take off your swimming goggles.

LAUGHTER

And finally, over on South Today,

this is how you disrupt a news report.

It's extremely busy

-and extremely...

-Titties!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Titties!

So what's been going on?

Well, a global superstar has hung up his boots.

David Beckham, the biggest star the game has ever known,

has decided to call it quits.

No!

Oh, I'm so shocked!

You think she's upset? This guy couldn't believe it.

DOG YOWLS

People LOVE him!

I've had loads of photos taken, but they've never ever got like this.

Whoo!

SOBS: David Beckham just...

showed his face and said, "Do you mind if I pop into your picture?"

"This is the greatest day of my life!

"I just had my photo taken with David Beckham!"

Mind you, not all mums cry. Some really go for it.

Team GB! Team GB!

Can I join in?

THEY SCREAM

Oh! Oh my God! Look at you!

Oh!

LAUGHTER

"Oh, come here!

"Christ, if my kids weren't here, I'd ruin you!"

LAUGHTER

So what's Beckham going to do next? Well, there's talk of acting.

I dunno. He's very handsome but the voice?

You can make a film as dramatic as possible,

he'll always have that voice.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Pepsi.

LAUGHTER

Poor Becks. Body of a god. Voice of a Munchkin.

Whatever he does, we're going to miss him.

I mean, he's said some brilliant things down the years.

And who could forget this?

From a footballer we all love to John Terry. He's been at it again.

Chelsea win the Europa League in dramatic style in Amsterdam.

Despite playing no part in the match,

injured captain John Terry ensured he was kitted up to share in the glory.

What a tit!

He didn't even play and then at the end of the game,

he put on a Chelsea strip and picked up the Cup.

"Well done, lads. Out the fucking way!"

That's like me going on at the end of a Michael McIntyre gig.

"Thanks very much. Great crowd!"

Christ, imagine him at a photo booth.

THEY CHEER

Fancy a photo?

Fuck off!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, Sweden hosted the carnival of camp

that is the Eurovision Song Contest.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Yes, it was brilliant. Did you see who won?

The 20-year-old Danish singer, Emmelie de Forest,

has won the Eurovision Song Contest.

She beat off 25 other finalists.

LAUGHTER

Well, no wonder she won.

The poor girl must have been knackered.

I'm surprised she could hold up the mic.

Not only that, I think she kicked this bloke in the bollocks.

FALSETTO SINGING

That was Romania's entry. Did you see it?

It's like the most fucked up tampon advert ever.

THAT is a heavy flow.

But it gets worse.

Did you see what Graham Norton said when he finished singing?

Cesar there, proving that just because you CAN do something,

doesn't mean you should.

LAUGHTER

My highlight, without doubt, was the guy from Lithuania.

Oh, my God. Check out his lyrics.

LAUGHTER

# My left sock is Larry

# The right one's called Bob

# The winner from Denmark

# She wanked us all off! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What are those lyrics?!

"I'm in love with you because of my shoes"?!

How much would that scare you?

"We have to be together forever.

"My shoes said so."

I've had these trainers for ages.

Not once have they gone, "Russ, let's get some ass."

LAUGHTER

Still, if you thought his lyrics were crazy,

did you see him afterwards?

I wanted to be the eighth, was my dream, you know,

and now I'm like 20ist.

What is the fucking number 20ist?

LAUGHTER

"What's 20ist? What's that Spain?

"What's that you say?

"You want me to kill everybody, Spain?

"OK, Spain."

LAUGHTER

God bless the Eurovision. I love it. Do you know why I love it?

Because anyone can be a star for a night.

Singers that look like creepy uncles...

..a Greek fisherman with the smallest guitar in Europe...

..and wookiees bellowing into a fox's arsehole.

You just don't see enough of that. You just don't see enough of that.

APPLAUSE

A wookiee in lycra singing "mello gofoloski"

into a dead fox's shit pipe.

LAUGHTER

But the highlight is the moment the winner picks up their award.

It's their moment and no-one else can spoil it.

The winner is Denmark!

LAUGHTER

Next up, a strange story about pigeons.

A London-based innovative organisation has developed a plan

to make the city a cleaner place.

Instead of ridding the pigeons,

the group wants to use them in a novel experiment.

The birds will be fed a specially-designed diet

using synthetic biology to create the bacteria

which will modify the metabolism of the birds.

The pigeons will, in turn, produce and defecate -

get ready for this - soap!

LAUGHTER

That's right - you heard right.

They want pigeons to shit soap!

It's like a really crap pigeon version of X-Men.

"Behold, I am Superpigeon!"

Wow, what can you do?

"Shit out Imperial Leather!"

LAUGHTER

What next, owls jizzing Listerine?

LAUGHTER

"Aah, Hedwig!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bizarrely, it's not the best pigeon story in the news. Check this out.

This is totally genuine. We think Boris Johnson is a bit mad.

Look what the Mayor of this city said.

What a lunatic!

Shall we get a gun? No, Lambrini.

It's mental.

If ever there was a creature not designed to have a hangover

it's a pigeon.

Imagine every step.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"I can't move without moving my fucking head! Ow! Ow!"

The other pigeon - "You all right?"

"No, no, I'm not. I was fucking hammered last night.

"I've eaten my own feet.

"I thought they were fucking Twiglets."

"That's nothing, right. I was so drunk, I shit the bed.

"On the plus side, me sheets were really clean."

LAUGHTER

Staying in the world of drinking, have you heard about this app?

The drinking mirror is an app designed to show you

the ageing effects of alcohol,

how you'll look in ten years if you carry on drinking too much.

That's awful.

Phew!

She looks like Alex Ferguson's bollocks.

Mind you, you think that's bad, look who I got.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They shouldn't have an app

that shows what you look like when you're pissed.

They should have an app that shows what you DID when you're pissed.

"Says here you thought it would be a good idea to record yourself

"singing badly with a shoe."

# Watch me, follow me

# Show me what you can do

# Everybody let go... #

-That...

-LAUGHTER

That is the app you need because sometimes you can do

incredible things when you're pissed.

I mean, check out what this bloke from Devon did.

WHAT?! How hammered do you have to be?

-SLURRED:

-"I fucking hate peanuts. I just can't stand them.

"They're the most arrogant of all the nuts!"

LAUGHTER

"Fucking 'ell, that ambulance is all right!"

LAUGHTER

"What's that, Mr Pigeon? All right, deal!

"I'll fuck the ambulance if you eat your feet!"

LAUGHTER

Imagine him with the police.

"She was gagging for it, mate.

"I got my dick out and she went, 'Whoo-whoo!' "

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is my favourite part of the story. Did you hear his excuse?

"Relatively high spirits"?!

HE FUCKED A VAN!

LAUGHTER

High spirits is everyone laughing as your Nan does Gangnam Style.

He's balls deep in an ambulance!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Terry and Beckham weren't the only footballers in the news.

Wayne Rooney's had another kid.

Congratulations to Coleen and Wayne Rooney this morning.

They've become parents for the second time.

Coleen gave birth to a son, Klay, just after 2am this morning.

He's called Klay.

Apparently Wayne named him after the most beautiful bird he's ever seen -

a clay pigeon.

LAUGHTER

-SCOUSE ACCENT:

-"It was amazing. He came across like that..."

LAUGHTER

"..and then he died."

Good on him though, eh?

It's interesting how people react to the news of a pregnancy.

Some people are like this...

screams: we're having a baby!

..and some are like this.

-Mum?

-Yes?

Could you come in, please?

Um...

I need to tell you something.

-You know that girl that came around a few weeks ago?

-Yeah.

-And she slept down for the night?

-Yeah.

We did have sex and...

I only found out a few days ago that she's pregnant.

SHE LAUGHS

You're an arsehole.

LAUGHTER

Boom!

Mind you...

Rooney's kid wasn't my favourite bit of baby news.

This week, Metro published a list of...

Did you read them?

Oh, my God. They're 100% true.

These are things that people's kids have actually said to them.

LAUGHTER

"Kill it, Daddy, kill it!"

It gets better. Have a look at this one.

LAUGHTER

"I want to see you all day, Daddy!"

"Have you in the suitcase, open the suitcase, there's Daddy's face!

"There's Daddy's face next to the sandwiches!"

From creepy babies to an absurd teaching story.

Holy shit. Talk about treating kids like morons.

What's that going to look like? This?

Mr and Mrs Nazi went to see Mr Hitler.

Heil!

He was ever so grumpy.

What is wrong, Mr Hitler?

I am no good at art, and I have only got one ball.

Whatever shall I do? I know, I will start a war.

Mr Hitler had such fun killing Jews and Gypsies and homosexuals.

It was going so well until Mr Churchill stopped him.

Mr Hitler was so upset, he blew his brains out.

GUNSHOT

-ALL:

-Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Chelsea! Chelsea!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know nothing about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,

I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

-How are you?

-Good, how are you?

-Very well. What's your name?

-Luke.

Thanks very much, Luke.

This would appear to be your bedroom.

But I'm slightly worried about this. Can I show the audience this?

LAUGHTER

I'm fairly worried you're going to be some kind of record breaker.

LAUGHTER

In fact, it's a miracle you can shake my hand.

There's food here. Does it have anything to do with cookery?

It does.

-Are you a cook?

-I am, I cook for a living.

-For a living? How old are you?

-I'm 19.

Wow, you look a lot younger. That's great.

Where do you work?

I have a restaurant.

You've got a restaurant? Wow, that's amazing!

A minute ago, honestly, I thought you were 14,

and it was going to be a story about wanking.

LAUGHTER

Turns out you're a really successful businessman.

-So why are you in the news?

-I'm Britain's youngest head chef.

Wow! Come on.

APPLAUSE

What's your favourite dish? If you could cook one thing right now.

My signature dish is a take on a curry.

I really like simple food, but to deconstruct it.

So it's pan-fried scallops with a mussel curry.

Really nice interpretation of a curry dish.

Oh!

-Sounds amazing, but you'd never be able to order that at a takeaway.

-No, no.

"I'm after an interpretation of a curry dish.

"I think they've hung up."

LAUGHTER

Was your mum really annoyed with you at 13, "Shall I do it, Mother?"

"Or do you want Mum's Sunday dinner?"

"No, because it tastes like rat shit."

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, I know, she won't cook for me any more.

-Of course she's not!

So, here's a question for you. Have you ever eaten from a bin?

LAUGHTER

-I haven't yet.

-Me, neither.

-Not quite yet.

LAUGHTER

You've never done that, not drunk?

-No, I haven't.

-It's an awful moment. I did it.

You know when you're really hungry, and your brain goes,

"You know what you've got left over from yesterday."

Yeah!

And it turns out your brain was fucking lying!

LAUGHTER

Am I going to have a go at some cooking?

-I am going to teach you how to cook, yes.

-I'm looking forward to that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What are we going to do?

You're going to recreate this dish - banana flambe with pancakes.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Ohhh!

Did you hear that noise over there?

Come here and show your face to the camera. Come here.

Run on. Show everyone. Come here.

You have to literally... Look at the face. Look right down the camera.

Look at his face when you say banana flambe. Do it again.

LAUGHTER

Unbelievable. Well done.

APPLAUSE

-Have you ever made pancakes before?

-Er, yes.

I don't want to brag, but just before the lady ate them, she said,

"I can die happy," and took her own life.

LAUGHTER

Tip the pancake mix into the pan.

Not all of this, I'll tell you when to stop.

Little bit more. Stop.

-OK.

-Yeah, yeah, right.

-Move the mixture right around the pan.

I'm mixing, I'm moving, yeah!

-Right. Get the spatula and get ready to turn it.

-Just tease it.

-Exactly.

-It smells good.

Right, OK. Give it a little shake.

You're going to flip the pancake now. Have you ever flipped it before?

Yeah. Wahey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, flambe bananas. Peel one banana.

Shit!

LAUGHTER

When has that happened? When have I ever not been able to peel a...?

Oh, I've done it again!

What is wrong with me, man?!

Then take your knife and we'll slice the banana.

Yep. That's right. Yeah.

Caramelised banana, so sugar into the pan.

-About half of that sugar.

-Really? That's a lot.

That'll do.

-Bananas go straight in.

-Bananas go in now?

-Yeah.

-Do I just faff them about?

Give the pan a little shake.

OK, perfect.

Two knobs of butter in there.

-Who came up with that? Why is it called a knob of butter?

-No idea.

It's weird though, eh? Like a wang of cream.

LAUGHTER

Now time for the brandy.

So take about a shot of brandy, and stand back when you put that in.

LAUGHTER

Careful when you do it - stand back.

Give it a little shake,

Whoa!

APPLAUSE

How wonderful a crowd are you?

You literally applauded fire.

LAUGHTER

"How did that happen?!"

Let's put the pan onto here. Now your turn.

I've got to make it look like that? Right!

AUDIENCE GIGGLES GENTLY

There you go.

LAUGHTER

It's this bit. That looks hot, doesn't it?

I can put a little bit more over the top.

Come on, we're not driving. It's fine.

LAUGHTER

That looks pretty bloody good, that.

-It's certainly different.

-It's different.

It looks a little bit like a Picasso.

I wonder what it means?

I think it means I'm pretty shit at cooking.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, have you heard about synesthesia?

It's one of the strangest conditions I've ever seen.

Take a look at this.

I'm James, I'm 48 and I'm different because I'm a synesthete.

Synesthesia is a blending of the senses. I taste words.

I have flavours when I hear word sounds.

It's bizarre, isn't it?

His senses are jumbled, so when he hears a word, he tastes it.

Yeah, yeah - it's true.

He must hate arguments. "You're such an arsehole!"

HE GAGS

"You can suck my dick!"

-GAGGING:

-Oh, God! Oh, no!

"You really take the biscuit."

Mmm! Hobnobs!

LAUGHTER

It's fascinating, though, isn't it? All jumbled up.

It's affected every aspect of his life.

Look how he used to choose his friends.

While at school, I used to choose friends

on the strength of the niceness of the taste of their names.

Two names I can specifically remember.

Hannah, which has a got a lovely taste of rhubarb, mmm!

And Jenna, which tastes a little like a melted wine gum.

Let's hope to God he never meet this guy.

LAUGHTER

Rusty?!

APPLAUSE

Names mean different things to different people.

I mean, just look at this dog.

This is my roommate's dog. His name is Meatwad.

And I have my own keyword for when I am taking Meatwad on a walk.

And we're going to watch her reaction to it.

Chicken pot pies.

Burglars.

Everybody in the house is being stabbed to death right now.

Child porn.

LAUGHTER

Child porn.

Does that mean we're going on a walk? Child porn? Yeah!

You probably think it doesn't get any more shocking than that.

Check this out what this idiot did.

SHE GASPS

That's the reaction

when people learn how a man tried to stretch his penis to make it bigger.

He used a dumbbell gym weight, similar to something like this,

only it got stuck for three days.

LAUGHING AND GROANING

He had his dick stuck in a dumbbell for three days.

I think this fellow puts it best.

DOG HOWLS

Imagine you're in the gym. "Jeff, that is not how you pump iron!"

He had it on for three days. How did his mates not notice?

"All right, guys, good night?"

LAUGHTER

"Having a good time?" "Bloody smashing, love!"

LAUGHTER

"What? I always dance like this. What are you talking about?"

LAUGHTER

"I don't fancy trampolining today."

Imagine if they found out.

How much fun would you have with a magnet? Whoa!

"Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!"

So how did they get it off?

Did they rub it in Vaseline till it gently slipped away...

from his frightened wang?

Oh, no.

The fire department was called in to the ER.

The only way they could get the weight of the man's penis

was to saw it off.

AUDIENCE GASPS

We all know what that bloke got when the firemen pulled the saw out.

Liquid ass.

LAUGHTER

Here's an inspiring story about a little kid with a big message.

This internet video by nine-year-old Robby Novak

has been viewed 12 million times.

This is your time. This is my time.

He plays the role of Kid President, giving the world a pep talk.

The world needs you to stop being boring. Yeah, you.

Boring is easy, everybody can be boring. But you're gooder than that.

While Robby lives it up on camera,

it's his life off-camera that is the real inspiration.

-What happened to your finger?

-I broke my finger.

Does that happen a lot?

Mostly arms and legs but this is my first finger break.

Robby has osteogenesis imperfecta,

a disease that makes his bones brittle.

He has had more than 70 broken bones and 13 surgeries.

He has steel rods in both legs.

-Do you worry about breaking things?

-No.

I don't worry about... That's my point.

I'm trying not to worry about it.

Like, I want everyone to know I'm not that kid who breaks a lot.

I'm just a kid who wants to have fun.

At first, the Kid President videos were just for the family,

but his motivational monologue became an internet sensation,

and even caught the attention of the real President.

Kid President, it looks like you got my message.

Yes, Mr President, I got your message.

What do you think when you see yourself?

-I go, "Wow, it's amazing!"

-What's amazing about it?

I just like making the world a better place.

What a little dude! Damn right!

APPLAUSE

Next up, it's time for my stand-up guest.

Please welcome the wonderful Romesh Ranganathan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Very excited to be here.

LAUGHTER

I know some of you will have seen me come out here,

pick up the microphone...

You may have become concerned.

"Oh, God. Asian comedian.

"He's going to banging on about being Asian the whole time."

LAUGHTER Please don't worry. OK?

Only about 10% of my stuff is actually based on me being Asian.

LAUGHTER

The other 90% is based on my issues with white people.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We should be absolutely fine.

Looking around, I can't help feeling

there's been a bit of a booking error.

But I'm just going to say what I've got to say

and get the hell out of here.

I think that's the safest strategy.

People say to me, "Romesh, when do you experience the most racism?"

The truth is, the most racism I experience is actually from my wife.

Right? Because I am married. I don't want to upset anyone in here.

AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS

I am married. And my wife and I, we have two small children, yeah?

We're not kidnappers. LAUGHTER

We created these children by the traditional means...

LAUGHTER

..adoption.

No, I'm joking. Did it, mate. Did it, yeah?

And my wife is white, right? I'm genuinely Asian.

I haven't just browned up for tonight's show.

And our children are mixed race, right?

And a game that we've started playing

is we've started getting our kids to pick a side.

LAUGHTER

Right? So whenever we're watching Jeremy Kyle, right,

I just point at the screen and go, "That's white people for you, kids."

LAUGHTER

And whenever we go to an Indian restaurant,

my wife will go, "Smells like Daddy!"

LAUGHTER

It's a little game that we like to play.

She won that one, to be fair.

I mean, my wife has... My wife has told me

she doesn't want me interacting too much with the children, right?

Because she says I've become anti-social. And I have.

Right, I admit that, I've become anti-social.

Part of the reason is, because I'm in my 30s now, right?

I don't look as good as I used to, right?

I know it's hard to believe. I don't look as good as I used to.

And I know this, right, because, when I was in my 20s

and I used to go out, my wife would say to me,

"Make sure you don't talk to any other girls, yeah?"

Now, when I go out, my wife says to me,

"See what happens when you talk to other girls, yeah?"

That's the difference.

And I've put on weight and I worry about putting on weight,

because I think to myself, "Oh, God, I look terrible."

And then I think, "Actually, why should I care?

"I'm married with kids. I don't need to look good.

"I just need to look better than the prospect of single parenting."

LAUGHTER

I think I can manage that. I think I've got that in the tank.

And the thing is, right, that my wife,

she says what she thinks she wants me to hear,

which is, "I don't care what you look like, darling.

"I don't care how much weight you've put on.

"I would love you regardless."

Right? Now, that is not helpful to me.

Because I need more rules, not less.

If I didn't think it would upset my wife,

I would shit in the living room.

I need SOME rules.

I went out...I went out recently.

I went out with my friends. We're all in our thirties.

We don't look terrible,

but what we do look like is shit tribute acts of us in our 20s. Right?

That is... That is a fact. We went out and I thought myself "Oh, my God.

"Look at these guys, they're all in their twenties, they look amazing.

"They look great. Are they going to make us feel bad?

"Are they going to make us feel like we're on their turf?

"Are they going to intimidate us?" And the truth is, they ignore us.

Of course they do. Why would they care?

You see a pride of lions hunting gazelle,

they're not going to give a shit

when a three-legged hyena rocks up, are they?

LAUGHTER

Why would they care?

It comes to the end of the night, right, it's been a great night.

I say it's been a great night. It's been all right.

I'm stood by the entrance of the bar,

this absolutely gorgeous girl walks out

and makes direct eye contact with me and I think, "Hello.

"This is happening.

"I can phone my wife, tell her I've still got it."

This girl walks straight up to me,

does not break eye contact for a second, says to me, no word of a lie,

"Taxi for Rachel?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean...

part of the reason that I don't like socialising

is because of where I live. I live in a place called Crawley.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh.

LAUGHTER

Nobody's heard of it(!)

LAUGHTER

I recently moved to a particularly rough area of Crawley you may be aware of.

It's called Crawley.

When I first moved in, absolutely fantastic -

the neighbours invited us round for coffee, they're extremely friendly.

Like, almost too friendly.

Until one day, they battered the shit out of me

when they found out that I wasn't actually from Secret Millionaire.

LAUGHTER

I recently ran over a cat in Crawley, right? It's a...

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

All right, chill out. I recently ran over...

Not deliberately. I'm not a horrible person.

I ran over a cat by accident, right? It was a horrible thing to happen.

I mean, it's not great for the cat,

but for you, as well, it's horrendous.

Trying to get some help with the situation,

I momentarily forgot that I was in Crawley.

There are some kids waiting by the side of the road,

so I went up to them said to them, "Any of you know the owner?

"Any of you know the owner?"

One of the kids turns to me and he says,

"It's a cat."

LAUGHTER

Now... my first thought was, "Bloody hell.

"The owner of this cat is a cat. They've liberated themselves!"

LAUGHTER

But it turns out that this kid

thought he was furnishing me with new information.

As if I might be sitting by the side of the road, thinking, "Oh, my God!

"I have hit this bloke so hard..."

LAUGHTER

"..that he looks like a cat."

I was driving along, right, I had my son in the back of the car,

in the car safety seat. I don't piss about, I do things properly.

I pulled up at the petrol station, put petrol in the car

and then I thought, "I can't be bothered to take him

"out of the car seat while I go in and pay for the petrol."

It's too much hassle, isn't it?

I thought, "Just leave him there, while I go and pay."

That's not bad, is it?

I mean, he looks like me. He's not going to get abducted.

LAUGHTER

I was extremely careful, right? I took my satnav in with me.

LAUGHTER

I went into the petrol station, I paid for the petrol,

I said hello to my Uncle Raj, who was on that night.

I came back out to the car...

LAUGHTER

..and my son was crying his eyes out,

because he thought I'd abandoned him.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww.

And, as a father, that is one of the most heartbreaking things

that you can see.

Because it means he's a pussy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's incredibly disappointing.

And I've got two children, right?

I've got the three-year-old and I've got another one.

And the three-year-old...

The three-year-old is all right,

the other one I haven't really formed a relationship with yet,

because he's just a little crap factory. But it's fine, it'll happen.

He's just stopped being a baby, right?

And I don't like going out with babies,

because when you go out with a baby, it's a conversation magnet

and I don't want to talk to people. That's the honest truth of it.

I went out with a baby and what happens

when you go out with a baby, regardless of how ugly he is?

Somebody comes up and says, "Oh, he's lovely. How old is he?"

Now, I don't know why people give a shit how old a baby is.

Right? Are you going to talk to him about Syria? Like, why do you care?

And the honest truth of it is, I don't know how old the baby is.

That's the honest truth. Now, please don't judge me.

The reason I don't know how old the baby is

is that the baby's less than one.

When a baby is less than one, their age changes every bloody month.

I can't be expected to keep up with that shit!

LAUGHTER

I don't want to get it wrong. I've guessed in the past

and got it wrong, my wife's caught me getting it wrong.

She came home one day and said to me, "I hear you've been cheating on me."

I said to her, "What the hell you talking about?"

She said to me, "I was talking to Debs

"and Debs said that you've got a three-month-old baby."

LAUGHTER

"And I said to Debs, 'Well, he must be a very busy boy.

"'Because our baby's four months old'."

Now, what I learned from that, right,

is that Debs is a fuck-face, right? She needs to...

LAUGHTER

She needs to keep her mouth shut, does Debs,

cos the next time I see her, there'll be a problem.

You know what I mean?

My oldest son has recently turned three,

so he's become a bit of a prick, right?

LAUGHTER

I'm not saying that disrespectfully to him. They just all do.

And so my wife and I are trying to figure out

a way of controlling this little shithead.

What she's decided, because she watches Supernanny, right,

is that we are going to use a naughty step. Unbelievable.

So this is what we're using, a naughty step.

The other day, I come out of the living room

and my son is playing on the naughty step.

LAUGHTER Now...

..I don't want him playing on the naughty step, right?

It's supposed to be a punishment.

But it does occur to me that if I ask him to move and he says no...

LAUGHTER

..what the fuck I going to do?

I move him of the naughty step, he moves back. Move him off, he moves...

The only way that I can keep him from the naughty step

is by sitting there myself and physically pushing him away.

This works for about half an hour,

until I realise that my son has put me on the bloody naughty step!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

People see me with my children, they say,

"Romesh, you must love children." The truth is, I love MY children.

Other people's children can burn.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Give a shit about other people's children(!)

I mean, that's why I used to be a teacher.

LAUGHTER

I was a maths teacher.

I realise I look like a teacher, I can't escape that.

I wasn't a very good one,

but it turns out, it doesn't actually matter.

You can get away with that for quite a while.

But the problem is, you have Ofsted come in.

Ofsted come in and observe you, so I had to make sure,

when Ofsted were in, I was actually doing the job properly, right?

So I've got learning outcomes up on the board,

Pythagoras and trigonometry flying all over the shop,

absolutely nailing this lesson, yeah?

Kid's got a question on the front row, I'm straight in there,

"Yes, Timothy?" HE CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

"Have you got a question? How can I help you?"

And then he'd go, "Why are you being weird?"

LAUGHTER

Then I've got to convey to Timothy, without the inspector realising,

that I am going to fucking end him.

LAUGHTER

We had uniform at our school, as they do in many schools.

And I agree with the principle of uniform.

My issue with it was they were quite strict about it

and we had to enforce it. And we had a sixth form at our school.

Now, talking to sixth-form lads about what they're wearing,

absolutely not a problem. I've got no issue with that, at all.

Talking to sixth-form girls about what they're wearing...

Something I've thought a lot less comfortable about.

I don't want to have that conversation. It's embarrassing.

But what I actually found was,

if I looked at them for long enough, they soon covered themselves up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I left teaching because I don't want to deal with other people's kids.

But the problem is that, as a parent, you still have to deal

with other people's kids and you have to deal with their parents.

And the problem is, as a father,

when I go out on my own with my kids,

any other father that's out on his own with his kids

immediately assumes that we need to be mates,

that we've got some sort of connection.

I was attacked by one of these pricks at a soft play centre.

I'm just there with my two boys, trying to have an innocent afternoon.

This idiot sees me from the other side of the centre.

He comes running over. He goes, "Hello there."

"My name's Michael. This is Sebastian.

"And we come here on Wednesdays. Don't we, Sebby?"

HE CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

And I said to him, "Hello there. My name is Romesh

"and I found these boys outside."

LAUGHTER

Job done, isn't it?

I don't like going out with my kids.

It's not because of my kids. I love my kids - I think - right?

The problem is... LAUGHTER

The problem is that you have to deal with other people's children's shitty behaviour

and their parents' inability to deal with it.

And you can't tell off other people's kids, right? People get pissed off.

But I found a way.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to share it with you. I was at the cinema recently.

This kid was throwing popcorn about, just being a little IDIOT.

His parents are doing absolutely nothing about it.

His parents are doing nothing about it, at all.

So, I thought I would step up, on behalf of the cinema.

LAUGHTER

So I got in real close, said to him, "Listen here, you little shit...

"Pull that again, I'm going to punch you in your fucking face,

"do you understand me?" LAUGHTER

Yeah? And then, as his parents approached, and were able to hear me,

I just went, "And that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right?

THEY apologised to ME.

LAUGHTER

Try it, right? You'll have to brown up, but it's worth it.

LAUGHTER

I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Thank you very much. Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Romesh Ranganathan!

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Tell you what, I think that went all right.

LAUGHTER

Fuck off, Terry!