Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, thanks very much!

-Hello!

-CHEERING

And welcome to Good News. So what's been happening?

BBC Breakfast interviewed the expert who fixed Boris Johnson's laptop.

I mean, it was teeming with filth.

And what was his response?

Yes, yes, yes! Yes. And that was a good thing.

Here's a question for you,

does anyone else find this reporter really scary?

If you keep watching me for the next minute or so

you will find out the results.

I don't want to know the results!

Hey, don't you just love it

when the news catches a baby having a tantrum?

But is this a blip or a breakthrough?

And, finally, over on Newsnight Jeremy Paxman said "vagina".

Vagina.

Cheers, Jeremy!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, the big crime news was definitely this.

Three young women who went missing in the American state of Ohio

around a decade ago have turned up safe.

They were all found in a house in Cleveland

after a neighbour heard screams.

Did you see the interview on the news with the neighbour?

He is amazing.

Listen to his description of the moment he found the girls.

Well, I knew something was wrong

when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms.

Something is wrong here. Dead giveaway. Dead giveaway!

-I'll say thank you very much...

-Dead giveaway!

Thank you very much for your time.

Either she's homeless or she's got problems!

That's the only reason why she running to a black man.

Thank you for being here, man.

Now...

..from "dead giveaways" to the end of an era.

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement.

Sir Alex Ferguson IS to retire.

His retirement has sent shockwaves through the world of football.

-For almost three decades...

-1,500 games...

..trophy after trophy.

..the most successful manager in English football history.

Thank fuck he's going.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Not a fan. So...

what was the secret to Fergie's success?

Well, fair to say, he had a bit of a temper.

David Beckham was once hit by a flying boot which his manager

had furiously kicked across the dressing room.

It was a graze.

That's nothing, he shouted at Ryan Giggs

for so long he gave him a...

Liquid ays-ss.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And look what he did to the youth team.

Mind you, he wasn't always harsh to his players,

he was clearly a HUGE fan of Dion Dublin.

"Christ, it was like a fucking Toblerone.

"It was so big I once brought on as a substitute by mistake!

"Had a good game although, ironically,

"it lacked penetration in the box..."

"..but, Christ, could it dribble! Oh!"

GROANING

APPLAUSE

Now, aside from Fergie's obsession with Dion's wang,

he was famous for the phrase - "the hairdryer treatment".

Basically, he'd shout at players so much

his breath felt like a hairdryer.

My mum, God bless her, genuinely thought the hairdryer treatment

meant Alex Ferguson did this.

The fuck was that?

You call that a fucking performance?!

It's the worst I've seen in my life!

DROWNED OUT BY HAIRDRYER

Out on the fucking field. Cannae believe it!

What do I pay you for?!

Jesus, Dion, put it away!

APPLAUSE

Ha-ha-ha! Now...

Whoa-ha!

Once Fergie had left, there was only one question,

"Who would succeed him?"

Rumour is already rife over who will replace him.

-David Moyes.

-Jose Mourinho.

-Moyes.

-Mourinho.

-Moyes.

-Mourinho.

-Moyes.

-Mourinho.

Gandalf.

Oddly, they didn't go with Gandalf, they went with Gollum.

From football to HUGE film news.

Now, in a significant boost to the British film industry, the latest

instalment of the Star Wars franchise will be made here in the UK.

They're making Star Wars in the UK! Please, set it in Bristol. Please.

-BRISTOL ACCENT:

-"Here, Vader, get I some Hubba Bubba.

"Luke, I am your father. I'll prove it, let's go on Jeremy Kyle."

Or in Essex. How great would that be?

-ESSEX ACCENT:

-"What's wrong, Yoda?"

"Upset, I am. Vajazzle, they have given me."

Christ, I hope they don't go around dressed in character.

If C-3PO walks the streets, some fucker will send him to Cash4Gold.

There'll be gangs in London!

"What happened to R2-D2? We traded him in at Cash Converters.

"And now we got us a juicer!

"It's a really good way of getting your five a day."

Oh, that's the silliest joke I've ever done.

Now, I may be excited but, fair to say,

die-hard American fans, little bit annoyed.

You sons of bitches,

they're going to fucking SimCity the entire fucking franchise!

I can't believe they're doing this shit to me!

Jabba goes shitty!

Mind you, that's not my favourite tantrum of the week.

Oh, yes!

From Star Wars to period dramas, did you hear about this?

I've actually got hold of a sneak preview.

Ladies, there's a new man arriving at Downton Abbey.

BOTH: Ooh!

It says here his name is Dion Dublin.

Ah!

APPLAUSE

From Downton Abbey to an insane new gun.

Anti-gun campaigners in America have criticised a project

that's managed to produce a plastic weapon using a 3-D printer.

The handgun has been successfully test fired

and its creators say they plan to make the blueprints available online.

-LAUGHTER

-There's now... Exactly!

There's now technology in America where you can print a gun.

That's going to change the shooting range, innit? "AK-47! You?"

"Hewlett-Packard."

People are worried it's going to lead to a spate of killings.

I don't know, most of us are shit with technology.

"Right, I'm going to kill you. Control, P."

"Control, P...Mum!

"Mum, what's a syntax error?

"I HAVE loaded the toner, Mum.

"You're a dead man, just as soon as I call the helpline."

Or, even worse, what if you're dyslexic?

"I'm going to shoot you with my...

"Oh, bollocks, I've printed a nun."

Let's be honest, though, we're not going to print guns, are we?

Most of us still struggle with basic things like Skype!

It's true, have a look at this lady

sending a Christmas message to her family.

Are you ready to jingle your bells?

Let's do this.

SONG: "Jingle Bell Rock"

# Stroke-a my, lick-a my

# Suck-a my cock. #

It's incredible.

It's... Isn't it?

Because you start watching it and you're like,

"Oh, God, something bad is going to happen!

"Oh, no, she just played the filthiest song ever to her parents."

I love it and it's even better the second time.

# Stroke-a my, lick-a my

# Suck-a my cock. #

APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week. Did you see this brilliant story?

Have a look at why a shop up north has had to stop selling peanuts.

A supermarket chain in the north of England has withdrawn bags of peanuts

from sale because they contain nuts.

Ha-ha!

That's right, they've withdrawn nuts

because they didn't have a sign on them saying, "May contain nuts."

How thick do they think people are?!

"Oh, peanuts! I wonder what's in there?"

"Maybe it's a bicycle!"

"Or maybe, maybe it's a hover pig?!"

"I'd love a hover pig.

"Hovering above me...like a pig."

Also, aren't they missing the obvious?

People with nut allergies, probably not going to eat fucking nuts!

My brother's got epilepsy, he very rarely goes,

"Oi, Russ, pass me that strobe light.

"Way-y-y-y-y!"

It's ridiculous!

APPLAUSE

"Way-y-y-y-y-y!"

It's not peanuts you need to warn people about, it's Christmas songs!

# Stroke-a my, lick-a my

# Suck-a my cock! #

Still, a story about nut allergies has got nothing on this.

Have you heard about Victoria Beckham's beauty regime?

Women have tried many things in the search for eternal beauty.

Victoria Beckham is said to be a fan of the bird-poop facial,

which uses nightingale excrement as an exfoliant.

GROANING

She lets birds poo on her! Christ, no wonder she doesn't smile!

How weird is that? Beckham's out playing footy,

she's in the garden covered in bread. Just...

"Shit on me, my pretties!"

Mind you, this treatment isn't for everyone.

Especially if you struggle around birds.

At this show, er...

HE SCREAMS

Ah!

Not that Posh's scat obsession was my favourite celebrity story.

God bless The Sun newspaper.

The Guardian, the Telegraph, they were asking things like,

"Should we leave the EU? Should we intervene in Syria?"

The Sun, they were asking the question on everyone's mind...

We were all thinking it, you be the judge.

I'm going to say no. That is not Jay-Z,

that is clearly a man in the past

that happens to look a bit like Jay-Z.

You're probably thinking they left it at that.

Oh, no. The next day they printed a load of other celebrities

they reckon could travel through time.

Justin Timberlake...

..Rupert Grint...

..Keith Richards...

..and my personal favourite - Borat. Look at that!

They had Borat as fucking Stalin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I saw some mad relationship stories in the news.

Over in Japan, have you heard about Love Your Wife Day?

HE SHOUTS IN JAPANESE

These men in Japan have been expressing their love very publicly.

The shouting is all part of Love Your Wife Day,

an annual event which sees 12 men taking to a stage in a public

car park and declaring their love for their other half.

HE SHOUTS IN JAPANESE

That's not love,

they look like they're trying to shit out a hedgehog.

Also, showing your love in a public car park,

I'm pretty sure that's dogging, isn't that dogging?

Apparently it's quite a big thing in Japan.

People in the street cheer,

"Oh, ain't that lovely? He loves his wife, yay!"

Imagine that in England.

It would be very, very different.

-SHOUTS:

-I love my wife!

Bit gay.

From loving your wife

to accidentally shooting her in the face. Did you...?

Did you...? Stay with me! Did you hear this?

A woman in Brazil has survived being shot in the mouth

with a harpoon by her husband.

Elisangela Rosa's partner, was cleaning his spear

when it fired, apparently accidentally.

The harpoon pierced through her mouth and the top of her spine.

Doctors say it came within one centimetre of killing her.

Holy shit!

He accidentally shot his wife in the mouth with a harpoon.

She will never have to lift a finger again.

"Oh, oh, oh, you don't want to clean the dishes?

"You shot me in the face with a harpoon!"

What I want to know, who the fuck cleans their harpoon like this?

"Left a bit..."

"..left a bit, Sandra..."

"..open your mouth! Open your mouth!

"Oh, what have I done?!

"I've shot you in the face..."

"..and it's all in your mouth!"

Still, she got her own back.

A spear in the mouth is nothing - look what she did to his dick.

Now, incredibly...

..that isn't the most shocking relationship story from Brazil.

Prepare yourself, this is insane.

Have a look at how a woman tried to kill her husband.

The Brazilian man says his wife tried to kill her

"by putting poison in her vagina".

Whoa!

She tried to poison her what?!

-Vagina.

-Cheers, Jeremy.

Did you see how she tried to kill him?

Invited!

"Dear Sir, we request the pleasure of your company at an evening

"we're calling Death By Minge."

In all... And she was like this. "Meh?"

"Meh? Meh-he-he-he?"

"A little bit of fanny?"

"No." "Why not?"

"Because it's fucking hissing."

I love this bit. Look at this, right.

That and the fact it was green!

"Jesus, I'm not being funny, love...

"it looks like Yoda's ear."

Now, as you can imagine, people on the internet went crazy.

Check out this guy.

You realise that this man, he never going to eat pussy

again in his life, it's over for him, with the pussy.

He's not going to eat it.

He may turn gay.

Such an overreaction.

"That one's green, I turn my back on your entire people."

APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome our mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Hello, man, how are you?

-Hi, Russell.

-How are you?

-Nice to meet you. Well, this is... What was your name?

-Antony.

Antony, excellent. Well, this is very complicated.

There's ballet, there's jive records and you're dressed as a soldier.

That's correct. WOLF WHISTLING

And a wolf whistle!

-Great, thank you.

-Lovely!

Nice to have you in, fellas.

-So, has it got anything to do with ballet?

-Not ballet.

-You don't strike me as a ballerina.

-Not ballet, no.

So, why have you got ballet shoes?

-Is that someone you beat up and you nicked their goods?

-No.

So, has it got something to do with dance?

It has got something to do with dance, yes.

-Are you a wonderful dancer?

-I am a dancer, yes.

-Oh, lovely stuff.

-What kind of stuff?

-Modern jive.

-You're a modern jiver?

-Mm-hm.

But what's the connection with the Army?

Is that a new way of bedazzling the enemy?

-Shazam!

-It would work, wouldn't it?

# Da-da da-da Da-da-da da-da. #

-Confuse them, most likely.

-It would really work!

Imagine that. Just imagine, we're going to the camera.

So, that's the enemy, there, the camera. You do a little dance.

-All right.

-Just...dance at the enemy.

-OK. So, I'll do a little shimmy.

Yeah.

Go...get them! Bang.

APPLAUSE

Might work.

-It could.

-So, why have you been in the news exactly?

OK, obviously, as you can tell, I am in the Army.

Basically, I've taken some time out of normal service

to go and compete in the European modern jive champs,

-where I managed to secure two silver medals for the country.

-Get in!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-So, can anyone learn to jive dance?

Could I become a jive dancer?

I'm going to teach you three to four moves of a modern jive

and we're going to put them into a little routine,

-and you're going to dance to a song in front of this lovely crowd.

-Gah.

CHEERING

-So, here we are.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fancy.

I'm not going to lie...

..I've seen myself in the mirror and I look like an Amish Olly Murs.

-So what are we going to do?

-We're going to teach you some modern jive.

Then we're going to teach you something called a drop.

The first thing, we need to loosen you off before we go.

-So, with dancing, it's all about the hips and showing off your body.

-Yeah.

First of all, stick your chest out a bit, head up high.

What I want you to do then is wiggle your hips.

CHEERING

So, go on, so we've got to wiggle our hips.

If you push your heel down, put your foot slightly forward,

that will push your arse out.

-All right.

-From here we are going to practise moving in a circular motion.

-So, as we're going round...

-Oh, yeah!

CHEERING

You try. Come on. So, wiggle...

-go all the way round.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-CHEERING

That was amazing. Your arse was supersonic.

Thanks?

It was...it was just... Yeah.

It was like...it was like... Honestly, I felt like the sun

and my favourite planet was just going around me.

Shall we assume we've done a Uranus gag? Let's assume.

Next we're going to focus on your arms. I want to see arms up.

If you pretend you're holding an egg, all right? It's instant styling.

-Really?!

-Yeah, hold an egg and put it up.

Move your fingers out.

That's it. So, as you put your arm up, it's an instant style.

Very different if you are holding a chicken, isn't it?

Last but not least, obviously, facial expressions. I want you to give

a bit of "I'm better than you" - a bit of arrogance.

So, because...

-Actually, that's... No, yeah, that's really good.

-OK, so...

"You seen the size of his egg?!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Because I've seen you dance before...

-Yes.

-..I brought a couple of my dance partners with me this evening,

to help you out. So I'd like you to give a big round of applause,

from South Wales, we've got Lindsay and Amy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello!

Hello, nice to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you. How are you?

-Are you all right? Awesome.

-So, the first move, OK, is the side to side.

-Right, lovely.

-So, you're going to push the lady away from you.

-Nicely. Nicely, Russell.

-Sorry, sorry.

So, you're gently going to push the lady away from you, stepping out.

OK, so, like that.

I want you to bring your elbow to the lady's elbow and face the audience.

-Remembering that egg for poise.

-Oh...yeah.

-Get your egg out!

That is the first move but this is the end move, OK?

It's called the snake and it looks like this.

Let's have a go at that.

-The way we go into that, OK, so we're left to right.

-Yeah.

And all you're going to do is, with your left leg,

-you're going to take her down and rest her on your knee.

-Oh, God!

Now, from here, all you've got to do is let go

-and let the ladies do their thing.

-Yeah, I'm going, I'm going.

-She's going! There she goes!

-There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-There you go.

-OK, so, are you ready, Russell?

-Born ready.

OK, so let's cue music.

OK, so start to get into the rhythm.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

Step and in, back and in.

Once across...

and in.

Away and in, away, back across.

Spin.

Now the lady...

-and spin.

-Oh, sorry.

-Do some arrogant walks around your partner.

-What am I doing?

-Back to the start position.

-All right.

Arrogance, come on! Arrogance!

And in, away, in, away.

Pass across. CHEERING

-Get ready for the snake.

-Snake!

-Turnaround.

-Uh-uh-uh. I know this bit.

And through the legs - very good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Let's leave the floor. Come on.

-Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Awesome. Come on, up you get, that was amazing. I'm so sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, give it up for my amazing mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What else has been going on?

Over in Argentina, one bloke had a bit of a mix-up.

Pet buyer in Argentina thought he was getting a pair of pricey poodles.

He thought he was getting a bargain, what he actually got were ferrets

pumped up on steroids and then groomed to look like pricey pooches.

That's right, he went to buy some poodles

and got ferrets pumped up on steroids.

What an idiot, have a look at it again.

How?!

HOW did he think that was a poodle?!

Looks like an old dinner-lady's bush.

GROANING

Staying in South America,

have you seen the latest craze hitting the streets of Mexico?

This is the furry movement and it's sweeping northern Mexico.

Converts design their own animal costumes,

often based on cartoon characters, and then go out and about.

What a bunch of dicks!

"Look at me, I'm an otter!" Just be comfy in your own skin.

You don't see gibbons, "Oh, I'd love to dress like an estate agent."

I just don't get it. I mean, look at this bloke.

Adrian Diaz, who dresses as a fox,

is just one of the 86 furries in the Mexican city of Monterrey.

He explains that, although the movement is growing,

some people still look at him strangely.

Because you're dressed as a fox!

What I don't get, why would you want to be a fox?

If you want to be a creature that eats from bins

and shags in hedges, just go on Jeremy Kyle.

Now, to be honest, I hate this story so much

but that's because, for a while, yeah, yeah...

-I was a furry but...

-LAUGHTER

Oh, funny, real funny, yeah(!)

Big Daddy laugh-laugh.

..I had an incident that made me stop for ever.

No, I'm human!

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, I've got myself a talker, ha-ha!

I'm a human!

Ah-h-h-h-h-h!

Ah! Ah-h-h-h!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ah!

Ah-h-h.

Shouldn't laugh. Did you see what I got the next day?

Liquid ays-ss.

APPLAUSE

Now, the tragic events in Boston last month wrecked lives,

but this is the story of one woman's inspirational approach to recovery.

I have been dancing my entire life.

It's hard to describe how much I love dancing -

it's a feeling I get that is not like any other.

I feel like flying when I dance.

CHEERING

On April 15th, I was at the Boston Marathon,

walking around with my husband.

He had just come home from Afghanistan

and we were just out enjoying the sunshine.

It was a beautiful Boston day.

EXPLOSION

All of a sudden, the bomb went off,

probably about four feet away from where we were standing.

We landed on the ground and I thought,

"I think I'm going to be OK, I'm not in any pain,"

and then I tried to move my leg and I couldn't.

I remember the smell and I remember the smoke,

and thinking that I was going to die. It was awful.

I wanted my family so badly and that's what I just kept thinking of.

We were there the minute she woke up.

Adrian came out of surgery

and I had to tell her that her foot was no longer there,

knowing that would be very painful for her because of dance.

I am incredibly nervous to do the prosthetic

and I know I'm going to start out and have some very humbling

moments getting used to it but I absolutely will dance again.

I find my optimism because I feel like you have two choices,

you can either be the one sitting eating potato chips

and not having friends, and not talking to people, and...

and being sorry for yourself.

Or you can say, "You know what? This is who I am now."

I wouldn't let one of my students come to me and say,

"This happened to me." I wouldn't let them say that their life was over.

I'm hopeful for the future and hopeful to dance again.

Lovely, eh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my stand-up guest.

He's from Canada, he's very funny, so please give it up for Bobby Mair.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you. I am Canadian.

SOME CHEERS

Yeah. I have lived here for a year.

My first day here, this lady is like, "Oh, my God, Canadian.

"You guys are so nice."

Then I just had this guttural urge to disprove her.

I was like, "Actually, you know when I lived in Canada,

"this guy lived down the street from me and he stabbed

"a woman 52 times after he took her out for dinner." And she's like,

"Well, in the UK he wouldn't even take her out for dinner.

"That is nice."

And now I live near the Brixton McDonald's.

Brixton is one of the weirder neighbourhoods in London.

But I love the Brixton McDonald's

cos if you're feeling shitty about yourself, like,

"What am I doing with my life?" You just go to the Brixton McDonald's

at four in the morning and then you are like, "I'm doing fine."

I got an £80 fine for putting a cigarette out

on the ground in front of the Brixton McDonald's. £80.

Like that's the problem with the neighbourhood?

There's too many cigarette butts on the ground, not the fact

that the team from The Wire is dealing drugs all around me.

Then the lady's like, "Why didn't you just put it in the bin?"

"There's a man shitting in the bin!

"You don't have to fine me.

"My punishment is happening to live near here."

My first day I was walking and there I saw this lady and she was

screaming at this homeless guy in a wheelchair and he had one leg.

I feel bad for the guy, you know. Some empathy.

But then, as I am walking out, it turns out he's the villain.

He punched this woman in the stomach and she fell on the ground crying.

And I am just sitting there, stunned.

I was like, "Would I be a hero right now

"if I just punched this guy in a wheelchair?

"Or at least tipped him over?"

And it would have been a fair fight really because he is down a leg

and I'm holding a McFlurry so I'm down an arm.

A pretty equal back and forth.

There is only two rules to the fight - number one,

no dropping my McFlurry and number two, no growing back your leg.

But that is not likely cos you are not a lizard.

I have never been mugged or anything really.

I don't look like the kind of guy who can kick your ass cos I'm not.

But I do look like the kind of guy where if you're kicked my ass,

I'll just write your name down and shoot you in three years...

..or, if I'm in a good mood,

I'll just mail you a picture of your kids getting off a school bus.

But that picture will be taken from inside your house.

Today, I was walking through this group of kids and they kept

shoulder-checking me and hitting me really hard so I said,

"Hey, kids, stop touching me. You are violating my parole."

They left.

Actually, I'm a bit under the weather.

I have got a bit of a cold right now and the worst part for me

about having a cold is when you smell women's hair on the bus

they can hear you.

Just... HE SNIFFS

You smell like strawberries. "You're sick!"

I am sick. She already cares about me.

Yes.

I try not to be creepy. I'm just not very good at it.

Like, I was sitting on a bus and I was staring at this girl

and, like, fantasising.

And then I noticed this other dude staring at the same woman

and, like, fantasising.

Which is weird cos now I feel like I'm in a psychic gang bang.

And me and this homeless dude are spit-roasting

a chick on a bus in our minds.

And then the guy looks at me and he goes,

"Yeah!"

And I didn't know what to do so I was just like, "Yeah!"

What did I just agree to? What does that even mean?

I grew this beard because I wanted to have the beard of a man.

Just something resembling manhood. It didn't work, though.

I just have the beard of a woman in the circus.

On my way here, someone actually asked me, "Is your beard real?"

As if, if it wasn't, this is

the beard I would choose to put on every day when I wake up.

"I'll take patchy hobo again."

But what I said was, like, "No, it's not.

"Actually, every day I just shave my pubes and glue them to my face.

"Thanks for asking, though."

APPLAUSE

I have this friend who is a vegetarian but she has a cat.

Which I never understood.

I'm like, "So, you won't murder an animal for food but you will

"kidnap a cat for joy." Cos if you have a cat, that's what you're doing.

You're kidnapping it.

And you know that cos if you ever leave a door open,

the poor cat is like, "This is my chance!" And then it

sprints for the door and right before it gets there, you pick it up.

You're like, "What are you doing, Kitty? You love me."

No, it doesn't love you. It has Stockholm syndrome.

Like, why would a cat love you when you took its balls, its claws

and you never let it meet another cat?

It doesn't even want to escape. It just wants death by car.

I really want Justin Bieber to sing at my funeral

just that, for my friends at the funeral,

my death is the second worst thing happening there.

APPLAUSE

Like, people genuinely want you to feel sorry for this kid

cos he was raised by a single mom. That's real thing.

And it's, like, hey, you know

what is way more depressing than two miserable people getting a divorce?

Two miserable people staying together

and raising the comedian you see before you.

Like, you know why I moved here?

I moved here so the physical distance between me

and my family matched the emotional one.

I love X-Men. My favourite X-Man is Professor Xavier.

Cos that guy is in a wheelchair but he can move things with his mind.

That's what I never understood.

If you can move a huge building with your mind,

shouldn't you be able to move your legs with your mind?

I think he was just faking it for a better disability cheque.

In the new X-Men, there's this mutant Darwin

and Darwin's mutant ability is to adapt.

Like, when Darwin puts his head under water, he grows gills, he adapts,

which is amazing but this guy is black in 1962 America.

And it's like, hey,

if you grow gills on face, you should be able to not be black in 1962.

Adapt.

That's your mutant ability, Darwin.

Like, at one point in the movie the guy had bulletproof skin

and I was like, "Dude, you wouldn't need that if you were just white."

Like, I have an idea, I have a theory. Hear me out.

I think that every person who lives in the Middle East should get

to vote in the US elections.

Think about it.

Every person who lives in the Middle East should get to

vote in the US elections cos it really fucking affects them.

Like, more than anyone else in the world, it affects them.

Like, if you're a guy in Nebraska,

who gets elected is just a figurehead that you blame your life on.

That's it. No connection. But if you are Ahmed in Afghanistan, it matters.

Who gets elected determines the size of your next family reunion.

And how many Paralympians you're going to have.

I was reading this article about the unluckiest people ever

and there was this couple and on 9/11 they were on holiday in New York

and then when the London bombings happened they were on holiday there.

Then, a year later,

when the shootings in Mumbai, India happened they were on holiday there.

This article said they were the unluckiest people ever.

I was like, "No, they're not.

"Clearly they are just the organisers of three terrorist attacks."

This is Al and Shirley Qaeda.

Like, if you three were murdered, you know,

and I was at every one of your houses at the time of the murder,

you wouldn't be like,

"Oh, Bobby, you're the unluckiest guy in the world."

You'd know what I am.

Death.

I'm adopted so I have never met my mom and I don't know what she does

for a living and that makes it really hard for me to enjoy a lap dance.

It does.

Some guys want some beautiful stripper,

I just want one that doesn't have my nose.

That's all I'm looking for.

But my family isn't all bad. Like, I love my adopted family.

My 16-year-old nephew came to visit me and he was like,

"Hey, do you know where I can meet some 16-year-old girls?"

I was like, "No!

"And if I did, you wouldn't be allowed to visit me."

"Ever."

And then I went to see him and I had Skype sex in his room -

he's about to find out - with my girlfriend when he wasn't there.

And then it was awkward afterwards cos I didn't know where to come

but then I realised, "I'm in the room of a 16-year-old boy.

"This place is made of come." Like, I could come on a lampshade

and it would make no difference to the aesthetic of the room.

If you put on a UV light, everything would still be the same colour.

It would be totally fine.

I'm in a good mood.

I am. It's cos I'm taking my meds. That really helps me.

I take anti-depressants, they calm me down.

If I don't take them, I get weird bursts of rage.

Like, I was on a train platform and I was reading a book

and I bumped into this lady accidentally

and she was like, "Excuse me!" And I'm trying to be nice. Trying.

Like, "Hey, what's going on?" She's like, "No!

"You should have said excuse me before you bumped into me!"

And you have to understand, when someone annoys me,

I just want instant revenge and right as she said that, a train came

and then all I wanted to do was throw myself in front of the train,

then look her in the eyes and be like, "You know, lady,

"this is all your fucking fault."

And then, as the train came closer, I wanted to look at the lady

but then at the train and mock her and be like, "Excuse me!"

And then die.

And then I want my tombstone put on her front lawn

and it's going to say, "Bobby Mair. 1986-2013. Excuse me!"

And then, in 20 years, when she's on her deathbed, my son,

who's going to be a doctor...

I don't want a son, I've established that,

but for the fantasy let's let it happen.

He's going to look at her and say, "Hello." And she'll say,

"Hello." And he'll say, "Can I tell you something?" She'll say,

"OK." Then he'll say, "Excuse me!"

And then she'll die and everyone will read that news story

and be like, "That guy took that joke a little far."

Oh, I saw a cab today that had a sign on it that said,

"There's nothing of value in this car."

And then there was a man inside and he looked very sad.

Just, "I'm worthless."

I couldn't afford it

but I went on this ten-day vacation with my adopted dad

and it was ten days but no alone time at all, so by day three of the trip,

I end up having to try to wank off

with my dad asleep in the hotel bed beside me.

GROANING But that's not the worst part.

The worst part was the whole time I'm doing it

I had to stare at my dad to make sure he didn't wake up.

GROANING

And just imagine it from his perspective if he woke up.

What a harsh reality check that would be on his holiday.

Like, he goes from dreaming about some beautiful girl

he saw in the street to waking up, and his own son's just

wanking off while staring at him while he's asleep,

pretending that mole on his bald head is a weird nipple on an ugly tit.

Never again able to look him in the eyes.

I had a one-night stand a couple of months ago

and during sex this girl really scratched my back.

Like, she dug her nails in.

And afterwards she called a cab and I'm waiting outside for the cab with

her and she's like, "You don't have to wait for the cab with me."

And I'm like, "Yes, I do." She's like, "Why?" I'm like, "Cos, look,

"if you get kidnapped and murdered, my DNA is under your fingernails.

"And I don't seem like the kind of guy that wouldn't kill a chick."

Well, that's it from me. You guys have been amazing.

I'm Bobby Mair. Goodnight. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Bobby Mair.

CHEERING

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.

Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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