Episode 1 Scots on the Box

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Fred MacAulay, and welcome to

the start of our Hogmanay celebrations on BBC Scotland.

We're kicking off with Scots On The Box,

a quiz that celebrates 60 years of television in Scotland.

Let's meet my guests.

She's a master of mimicry, only Lulu has got more accents,

it's comedian and actress Ronni Ancona.

And on her team is a Scottish actor who has appeared in Taggart

and Braveheart,

although I've yet to meet a Scottish actor who hasn't, he's Alex Norton.

And with them a performer who won the Scottish comedian of the

year, which came as a surprise as he was only trying to get a goldfish.

It's Mark Nelson.

Our other team captain, you will recognise from Still Game,

but he also presented two weeks of STV's The Hour, which,

if you do the maths, and add it all up, comes to a life-time.

It's comic actor, Sanjeev Kohli.

With him an ex-lawyer, who was never called to the bar,

which is lucky, as she'd definitely have been asked for ID.

It's comedian, Susan Calman.

With them, head and shoulders above all other TV historians,

because he's worth it,

and because I'm jealous of his beautiful hair, it's Neil Oliver.

Tonight, I will be testing my panellists'

knowledge of classic Scottish telly from the comedy,

entertainment, drama and news archives.

Let's get on with the show.

This round is called Hit The Telly.

If Poundland sold televisions, this is what you'd get.

And change.

It may only have two channels, but through the magic of TV,

it's currently holding the entire Scottish telly archives,

so, when my panellists tell me, I will hit it.

It'll play a clip and I'll ask them a question,

it's as simple as that.

This is for Team Sanjeev. Tell me when to hit it.

Hit it.

What were you two old fishwives gossiping about?

-Hey, less of the old.

-And less of the fish!

Well, natter not, for I have something special to tell you.

-You are a man.

-No.

-You're a woman?

-No. Oh!

Less of the gender jibes, you carroty little dwarf.

Shona, please, it's Titian.

No, it's African Sunset.

Sanjeev's team, that was The High Life, from 1995, shown

on the BBC, featuring Alan Cumming, Forbes Masson and Siobhan Redmond.

But what was the fictional Scottish airline they flew for?

They should have called it High Road, but they didn't, did they?

What did they call it?

McLeod Nine.

-Up High The Noo.

-Stramash.

There's nae food.

What about instead of Chocks Away, Jocks Away?

That's a good name for a Scottish airline.

Air Scotia, I'm sure it was called.

Air Scotia, you reckon.

The airline was called Air Scotia.

The High Life, a great series,

although I've never met flight attendants that rude in real life.

They're usually ruder.

They certainly will be now.

Ronni, tell me when to hit the telly.

-Now.

-Tease!

Now, are you into obstacles?

Because I wasn't until this show started, but now I would like

you to meet the biggest obstacle in my life at the moment, here's Rhona.

And here we are with the winner of the fancy dress competition,

the last one of the series.

What's your name, darling?

-Russell.

-And where do you come from, Russell?

-Greave Road.

-Greave Road?

-And how old are you?

-Five.

-Who made your costume, Russell?

-Grandpa.

-Did he take a long time to it?

-No.

And you were telling me...

-Do you like Oxo cubes?

-No.

Oh dear, he doesn't even like Oxo cubes.

That was the Untied Shoelaces Show from BBC Scotland in 1983.

Unfortunately, we cut before Rhona McLeod could

explain that there are other massive talking stock cubes available.

Can I just say how much of a shame it is for that kid to go back to

school on Monday?

The bullying he will have got.

"I saw you on telly at the weekend," and then just throw water on him,

"There you are, there you are, stock cube!"

That costume, to be fair, looked like it had been fairly well made.

It was fantastic!

That was a good costume.

That wasn't like, erm...

My mum once made me carry a plant pot with a sign on it saying,

"Calman's Gardening Centre,"

and that was my Halloween costume.

That costume took some work!

You probably saw "Tiger" Tim Stevens at the beginning of the clip,

but do you know how he got his Tiger nickname, Ronni?

He only ate raw meat...

..from the end of a stick.

And also, if you turned your back on him, he'd kill you.

Is it because he cheated on his wife and sometimes played golf?

Oh, nice one!

I think I might know the origin of the name.

Well, let me give you the clues.

It was either a) he was named after the cartoon character

Tiger Tim by a man named Big John, who Tim had worked with at British

Rail, or b) was after Tim bravely saved a man from a tiger attack

in India, or c) because he turned up for a job interview

at Radio Clyde wearing a skin-tight tiger outfit.

I think it's the Radio Clyde thing.

I think it's the Radio Clyde thing.

We think it's the Radio Clyde thing.

Believe it or not, it is actually all three,

and that was confirmed by Tiger Tim himself.

You might have noticed the man sitting next to

Tiger Tim, wearing a Wee Willie Winkie outfit,

I don't know how he got his nickname, here he is.

Anybody know who that is?

Danny McGrain.

It was indeed, Danny McGrain.

Legendary footballer, 62 caps for Scotland, although here

he looks like he's contemplating a transfer to Aberdeen.

When the Untied Shoelaces Show was eventually taken off the air,

it was replaced by a more modern sounding show called Velcro -

The Sticky Years.

Sanjeev, tell me when to hit the telly.

Oh, hit it now, Fred.

# When you go for your breakfast be sure you always take

# A good plate of Unitas breakfast oats

# The value of them lies in the fact they're appetising

# And eating them good health in you promotes

# When once you taste their flavour, for ever more you'll favour

# Unitas, Unitas breakfast oats. #

APPLAUSE

Takes me right back to this morning.

These days, most Scottish families would only be that

happy in the morning if they found out that they had run out of

Unitas porridge oats, and that they could have a bacon roll instead.

I don't have children, just because the cats would get

annoyed at them, but when I was growing up, my dad never took us

by the arm and had a wee jolly dance before we all sat down.

I find that quite sinister.

Can we have a wee look at that again, because although it is

black-and-white, you can still tell the wee boy's hair is ginger.

That Unitas porridge advert was first broadcast in 1957.

Team Sanjeev, can you tell me

what important event happened, TV-wise, in Scotland that year?

Well, it's too early to go colour, isn't it?

Was it, erm, the first edition of Super Scots?

No.

I think I know the answer, can I come in on this?

I think it was when STV opened.

-You do, Alex?

-I do.

I think you're absolutely right.

Five years after BBC Scotland started,

the commercial channel, Scottish TV, began broadcasting at 5.30 pm,

on Saturday, 31 August, 1957.

It was with the Variety Special, This Is Scotland,

live from Glasgow's Theatre Royal Studios.

Let's take a look.

-NARRATOR:

-This is Scotland. And your host, James Robertson Justice.

Good evening, this is Scotland.

A land of sunshine and cloud.

A land, proud and ancient, as history itself.

Yet young, strong

and vital as the flowers that bejewel our Northern summer.

-NEIL OLIVER:

-So natural!

Even though that was in black-and-white, I think it's

pretty clear that James Robertson Justice's beard was ginger!

In those early days, it was said STV only owned two pieces of equipment.

One to show Westerns, and another to show the commercials.

In the digital age,

they now have a third that plays episodes of Columbo.

-Ronnie's team, tell me when to hit the telly.

-OK.

Go on. Now.

All right, lads, we're actually looking quite low on fuel,

so I suggest we stop...

you know,

for C-H-I-P-S...

I'm talking C-H-I-P-S.

-They are C - they're crispy,

-H -

-they're hole-some,

-I -

-I-mazing,

-P -

-Perfection,

-S -

-S...ships!

Come on, Joe, go sing it...

-Nut.

-I said, "Sing it!"

-Nut!

-Come on, sing it!

He's no singing it!

ALL: Ooooo!

Oh, brilliant, brilliant.

That was the brilliant Gary Tank Commander,

performed and written by Greg McHugh, shown on the BBC in 2011.

Can you tell me, what nickname did Gary give to his tank?

-Widdecombe.

-Widdecombe?

Tank Sinatra?

I can't believe I actually said that.

Actually, Ronni, you're not so far off the mark,

because it was kind of musical. Different era.

I think I know the answer.

Sanjeev thinks he knows the answer.

Was it Meatloaf?

You think it was Meatloaf?

I think it was Meatloaf.

Oh, he's right, I can't bear it.

It was indeed Meatloaf!

Now, in the show,

some of the Afghanistan scenes were actually filmed in Clydebank, which

led to many letters of complaint...

from the people of Afghanistan.

Sanjeev, tell me when to hit the telly, please.

Hit the telly.

This is 213.

I think I'd like a change of room.

That was, of course,

the glowering Iain Cuthbertson in Charles Endell Esquire.

Even though it's in colour, I think you can tell his hair is ginger.

It was made on STV in 1979, and he was famous for a catchphrase

during the show, let's hear it.

'Oh, I'm definitely back,

'def-i-nitely.'

What I want to know, then, is where is he definitely back from?

First, can I say, is there any chance we can run that clip again,

because as hard as Iain Cuthbertson plays that part,

watch how camp his reaction is to his bathroom exploding.

I think we can, let's have another look.

Enjoy this again, this is fantastic.

Here we go.

Oooh! Oooh!

He looked like a little horse, he almost pranced.

It's a very actory thing, isn't it,

"Ooh, oh, not the face, not the face!"

I'd love to see the Trip Advisor review for that room.

"The view is beautiful,

"but the bathroom keeps exploding for some reason. Four stars."

But if you were a gangster, and you were away,

where would you come back from?

Isn't he back from London,

hasn't he come back from being a successful gangster down south?

Well, I'm going to give you a point for that, Neil Oliver.

I would also have accepted "jail".

But it was Soho.

He is actually just back from prison.

There's a great tradition of Scottish actors playing

English hard men, can the panellists think of any that we can recall?

Gerard Kelly in EastEnders was tremendous, he was glowering,

he was brilliant in EastEnders, Gerard Kelly, he was great.

I think the fact that Gerard Kelly,

one of the campest men in Scotland went down

and played a hard man, just shows how hard Scottish people actually are.

On to Ronni's team, say when!

Go on, give it a tap. Now.

This ees your room.

Hallooooooo!

Wah-eey!

Grazies.

Oh, Rab!

Is this not the last word in classy sophistication?!

Yeah, you're not kidding, you're right there, Mary!

Here, get aff that bed till I get a look at the mattress.

Oh, never heed the mattress, we're in Spain, for God's sake!

Shpain!

I mean, who would have thought we'd live to see the day when

trash like us was buying stuff like flip-flops and insect repellent, eh?

From the first series broadcast by BBC Scotland in 1990,

the great Rab C Nesbitt and Mary Doll in Benidorm,

enjoying a well-deserved break from life-long unemployment.

How did Rab and Mary Doll end up in Spain, Ronni's team?

How did they end up in Spain?

I don't know, but I hope to God it wasn't a house swap.

Did they collect 94,000 gingie bottles?

Did they rent the weans out for medical experiments?

Did they win it on Wheel of Fortune?

It was prize-related. Does that help any of you?

Describe Spain in less than 10 words. 10 words or less?

That kind of thing? No.

-12?

-No, what actually happened was that Mary Doll won a competition

on the back of a bag of oven chips.

Surely they should have gone to Greece, then!

GROANS

Very good.

Any experiences yourself, Mark, of being a Scot abroad?

I did a stand-up gig in New York last month, and the accent,

you really have to slow it down, as you'll know, beyond belief, to where

you are saying a word about every 10 hours for them to understand you.

My sister had a lovely experience of

one of the benefits of being Scottish.

She was on a bus from Chile to Argentina at three in the morning,

let's not wonder why, it was about penguins.

She got to the Argentinean border, and it was full of these

armed guards, lots of them.

My sister, who's even shorter than me, was slightly trepidatious, and they said,

"Give us your passport," and they looked at the passport,

and they all looked at her and shouted, "Freedom!" and let her in.

At that point she was like that, "Hmm, hmm, thank you very much,

"yes, William Wallace, Mel Gibson, ya, totally."

Looking at the scores, I can see that the game is

rather like Janette Krankie up the beanstalk

- delicately poised, it's neck and neck.

It's time for Name That Theme Tune.

In this round, we went out onto the streets of Scotland and asked

the public to sing the theme tunes from our favourite Scottish shows.

All you have to do is identify them.

Ronni, let's hear our first singers.

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Dee-dee-deedle-dee... # No, erm, oh!

# Dee-dee-deedle-dee-dee-dee-dee-

# Deedle-dee-dee...

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dee.

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dee.

#Da-ra-da-ra-da- ra-da-ra-da-ra-da-ra

# La-la-la-da-da! #

APPLAUSE

That was brilliant.

I have to say, the two girls in the fur were tremendous, well done.

That's the latest incarnation of the Sugababes, apparently.

-I know, we know what it is.

-We know what it is.

-Tell us what you think it is.

-Do you want to do the honours?

-No, I'll leave it to you, on you go.

-It's Balamory.

Balamory, you reckon? Let's find out.

It was indeed Balamory from the BBC, a show set on a fictional

Scottish island, inhabited by a bizarre cast of characters, who sing

and dance their way through life, like the Wicker Man for toddlers.

Sanjeev's team, here's a different theme tune,

no doubt beautifully sung.

# Dum-dum, dum-dum-diddle-dum-dum-dum, dum-dum-diddle-dum-dum dum.

# Doo-doo, doo-doo,

# Diddle-um-dum-dum-dum-da-da-doo, doo-do-do-do-do...

# Da-da-da-da-da- da-di-di-da-di-dah. #

I would say that's simple.

It's clearly Newsnight Scotland.

Yes, simplest thing I've ever...

I don't think any of them were singing the same thing.

More keys than a janny's bunch, I've no idea what was going on.

Was it recorded outside a home for the bewildered?

It did sound a wee bit like Jimmy Shand being water-boarded,

but here's more clues.

# Diddle-uh, diddle-uh,duh-di-duh-di-duh-da-da-da,

# Duh-diddle-uh-diddle-uh, da-ri-duh-ri, da-diddle-uh-duh-duh.

# Da-di-da-di-da diddle-um-diddle-um-da-di-di

# Di-dah-diddle-um-diddle-um-da-da-

# Dum-diddle-um-da-da!

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Dum-diddle-um-diddle-da-da-da

# Dum-diddle-um-diddle-da-da-da

# Dum-diddle-um-da-da. #

Over...

thankfully.

Not laughing at, laughing with.

He was doing that lovely thing that people sometimes do when someone is

singing, so, if Sanjeev was singing, I'm just enjoying myself, like this.

Well, Susan, you think you've got it right, don't you?,

Yes, we think, it's Casualty!

-It's Dr Finlay's...

-Dr Finlay's Casebook, yes.

Definitely was.

Dr Finlay's Casebook. Let's hear how it should have sounded.

THEME MUSIC

First broadcast by the BBC in 1962, however,

when it came to the General Medical Council's attention that

Dr Finlay was sharing his casebook with the nation, the show was

cancelled under the Data Protection Act, and he was struck off.

Undeterred, lead actor Bill Simpson went on to present

the ill-fated DIY show, Dr Finlay's Bookcase.

I thank you.

And thanks to all our singers,

and those who joined in with the dancing at home.

Which, if you have just joined us, I am testing my guests'

knowledge of television broadcasts in Scotland over the past 60 years.

It's time for What Happens Next.

I'll play a lesser-known clip from the archive that's seen less

daylight than an Aberdonian goth.

I'll be making liberal use of the pause button, and asking

our panellists to make an educated guess as to what happens next.

Sanjeev's team, here is a rather stunning

clip from Miss Scotland, broadcast by BBC Scotland in 1979.

Before it starts, I should point out that the first three people

we see at the start of the clip are not contestants.

# I never knew you looked so good

# I never knew anyone could

# I must have been crazy

# To ever have gone away. #

All right, then, the first of our seven finalists,

it's Miss Montrose, Dorothy Walker.

And I think you're going to do a PhD, aren't you?

How far into that are you?

Well, as soon as I get my grant,

I'd like to start on my PhD,

which is all about...

Well, we just saw Dorothy Walker, or, as she is better known,

Miss Montrose, which, incidentally,

is the perfect tourist slogan for that place.

What do you think her PhD was in?

And, can I also just say,

at the start I said that the first three people were not contestants,

but the bloke on the left was actually runner-up that year.

We should explain to our younger viewers what a grant is!

In a mythical time...

In a mythical time of dragons and unicorns it was a cheque that

you could just take straight to the off-licence, wasn't it?

No, Grant actually was the third dancer,

because the first two were clearly Paul Coia and Dougie Donnelly.

I'd love if it was.

If it is 1979, does she go on to become the leader

of the Conservative party and then the first lady Prime Minister?

She didn't, but her hair did.

I'd like to point out, at this juncture,

that my lady wife was Miss Falkirk 1986.

OOHS FROM AUDIENCE

And finished sixth in the Miss Scotland final of the same year.

Tell me this, did you have a choice between Miss Falkirk

and Miss Grangemouth?

That's not the way it works.

-I don't know, what was her PhD in?

-What was her PhD in?

I think she was a molecular biologist,

or just a really small biologist.

She sounds like a historian to me.

-Historian?

-Historian, you reckon?

-Let's go for history.

-We'll go for history.

You're not that far off the mark. Let's find out.

I'd like to start on my PhD,

which is all about the domestication of the cat,

and I've actually got a cat cemetery in Egypt which I'm going to

start digging, hopefully quite soon.

-Archaeologist!

-That's quite rude.

Those cats have been laid to rest, you don't go as Miss Montrose

and dig up someone's grave.

So do you go, "I'm Miss Montrose, get me a spade,"

is that how it works?

I'm going to dig up these cats and find out if

they were domesticated. End of.

Neil, I have to ask, once you'd dug up a cat, domesticated or

otherwise, how could you determine if it was domesticated?

If it was like that when you dug it up, "Rrrrrr"...

Well, the dangerous cats tend to be like yay big,

and your domesticated cat tends to be this big.

Surely a domesticated cat would be buried holding a can opener

or something.

What did you say?

A domesticated cat would be buried...

With a can opener so it could open tins of Whiskas on the other side.

Oh, I see, I thought you were being, I've got three of them,

and...

-You've got three can openers?

-Yes.

You're doing well.

My cats have slippers,

that's how you know they're domesticated, little pairs...

That they knitted themselves.

-Little slippers.

-You've got your cats slippers?

-Yes. What's wrong with making my cats slippers?

-Four each?!

Yes, come on, you can't have their back paws cold, Ronni.

Don't they walk on their hind legs?

Do they always walk around in their slippers?

Not always, if they're going out, they wear proper shoes!

I think we'll find that Miss Montrose is coming back

out of retirement to look into the over-domestication of the cat.

Can we have another wee look at the dancers? Let's have a look at them.

# I must have been crazy

# To ever have gone away. #

Actually, you might recognise some of them,

two of them went down to appear as hard men down south.

Team Ronni, this next clip is from a BBC series

called About Britain, from 1954.

Richard Dimbleby is interviewing the doughty

Dame Flora, the 28th chief of clan MacLeod on the Isle of Skye.

It doesn't matter a bit where we live,

wherever a McLeod is, he feels he is kin to all the other McLeods.

-It must be a nice, cosy family feeling...

-Wonderful.

You say, no matter where you live, I assume, by your love

and understanding of all this, that you were born and brought up here?

Well, actually, I wasn't....

So, if it wasn't Skye, where do you think Dame Flora,

the chief of the clan MacLeod, was born?

IN A POSH VOICE: "Actually, it wasn't here,

"it was in a small croft in Kensington."

I'm just trying to picture her,

leading the clan into the battle against the English.

"Come along, hurry up,

"some of the English are my best friends. Hello, Doreen, how are you?"

Well, we can actually now find out where she was born.

You weren't so far off saying a wee croft in Kensington.

I was born in 10 Downing Street.

-Downing Street?

-You look rather surprised, Mr Dimbleby!

I love how she delivers that line like she is a Bond villain.

"You look rather surprised, Mr Dimbleby. But now you must die."

If you're born in 10 Downing Street now the midwife would probably

slap the baby and quickly move on to George Osborne and Nick Clegg.

Finally, for this round, a clip of First Class, made in 1984 by

BBC Scotland, and presented by Louise Batchelor and her earrings.

So, with Banchory in the lead,

it's time for our first visit to the sports arena.

Banchory have chosen Martin to play for them,

and Ewan is running for North Berwick.

Isn't it lovely how all those graphics haven't dated at all?

This is for everyone,

what do you think they are just about to do in the sports arena?

I think they're going to use the earrings as beacons to attract UFOs.

It would appear that they are large enough, I think, to do that.

Belters, weren't they?

Not fight to the death, is it?

They didn't fight to the death,

although, that would have been entertaining on television.

Was it that fantastically sophisticated computer

game of that era where you went like that to run the 100 metres?

-Daley Thompson's Decathlon or something?

-Was it one of those ones?

Do you know what I like about your answer, Sanjeev,

is that you are smiling there,

-and your smile is going to be even more complete when you find out.

-Oh!

So, Martin and Ewan, fingers on the controls.

APPLAUSE

Ooooh!

..were off to a better start,

but Banchory are streaking away there.

Banchory have made it easily, North Berwick High, bad luck.

So, Banchory are the winners with two points. Well done, Martin.

Well done, indeed.

Well, you might wonder who thought that was a good idea for a TV show?!

We did!

Ronni and Sanjeev,

under your desk you will find a game controller right there.

What?! You are kidding!

This is so brilliant.

-Oh God.

-Happy days.

What is it? I'm quite nervous, actually.

You're nervous? I'm terrified!

Sanjeev, you are the runner on the top, Ronni, you are on the bottom.

Good luck! If you're all set to go, three, two, one - go!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Hold it still for me.

That's it, you're past the 20 metre mark.

Ronni is in the lead. Mark's giving her a hand there.

Come on, Sanjeev, you are trailing behind.

He is just holding it, that's them at the 70 metre mark.

Come on, Sanjeev, you can still do it!

GOOOO!

Ronni Ancona has won.

Looking back,

well done, Ronni.

So, at the end of Part One, let's see what the scoreboard says -

it says there's everything to play for.

We'll be back at 10.30 for more fantastic Scots On The Box,

but before we go, here's a sketch to keep you guessing.

It's from Chewing The Fat, broadcast by the BBC in 2004.

Watch closely, and count how many "Mans" are in the clip.

Do you dae Walkmans, man?

-Walkmans, man, a tenner, man.

-Do you play this, man?

That's a Discman, man. You need a Discman, man.

-A Discman, man?

-For playing your discs in, man! What is the disc, man?

Anchorman, man. Anchorman's a movie, man, you need a DVD, man.

Oh, man, nae Walkman, nae Discman, man.

-How much for the DVDman, man?

-A ton, man.

A ton, man! You're a highwayman, man.

I'll tell you the answer when we return. See you soon.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd