Episode 2 Scots on the Box

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. I'm Fred MacAulay and welcome back to Scots On The Box,

the quiz that celebrates 60 years of TV in Scotland.

Earlier this evening, in the first part of the show,

I asked how many "mans" were in this Chewing The Fat sketch.

-Do you do walkmans, man?

-Walkmans, man. Tenner, man.

-Does it play this, man?

-That's a disc, man. You need a discman, man.

-A discman, man?

-Aye, for playing your discs in, man.

-What is the disc, man?

-Anchorman, man.

-Anchorman's a film, man.

-You need a DVD, man.

-Oh, man, nae walkman, nae discman, man.

-How much for a DVD man, man?

-Ton, man.

Ton, man! You're a highwayman, man!

If you're playing along at home and got 29, you'd still be wrong,

as there were two more mans than you probably thought.

Greg Hemphill and Ford Kiernan, of course.

In this show, I'll be unearthing lots more great

moments from our nation's TV archives and using them

to test my panellists' knowledge of all things Scottish on the box.

So let's meet the teams.

Our first team captain is an actress with a gift for mimicry.

Her Ronni Ancona is very convincing.

With her, actor Alex Norton and comedian Mark Nelson.

APPLAUSE

Our other team captain has a first class honours degree

in mathematics, which must come in handy

when working behind the counter in Still Game.

He can accurately count the wasted years.

It's comic actor Sanjeev Kohli.

With him, comedian Susan Calman and archaeologist and historian Neil Oliver.

APPLAUSE

It's time to find out which team deserve to be monarch of the glen

and which deserves to be humanely culled and made into sausages.

Let's play a round called Hit The Telly.

This may look like an old broken down TV,

but our BBC engineers have worked their magic

and it now holds the entire 60 years of archived Scottish broadcasting.

I'll hit the telly, and it'll play a random snippet from a show

from the last six decades which I'll then quiz my guests on.

Ronni's team, you're going first. Tell me when to hit it.

Go on, now.

Do you have a name, by the way? Or don't angels have names?

Of course we've got names.

Seraphim.

Cherubim.

Gabriel.

Aw!

What's yours?

Boabie.

APPLAUSE

That was the late great Gerard Kelly, with his pal Billy Connolly,

from the 1988 Christmas special of BBC Scotland series City Lights.

Boabie, of course,

one of the funniest words in the Scottish vocabulary.

Gerard Kelly played Willie Melvin,

a bank clerk at the Strathclyde Savings Bank.

But what was his dream job?

Was he not aspiring to have a really respectable vocation like...

a journalist.

-He wanted to be a writer, didn't he?

-He wanted to be a writer.

He wanted to be a novelist.

-He wanted to do a novel about...

-Oh! I know what it was.

It was called something like My Life Up A Close, or something.

Ronni and Alex, well done. He had dreams of being a novelist

and most of the episodes revolved around him trying to

get his autobiographical book My Childhood Up A Close published.

Bang on the money, Alex Norton.

APPLAUSE

Sanjeev's team, tell me when to hit the telly.

Erm...chib it with your hand...now.

Furtive! That's the word I'd use! Furtive!

Para's been furtive since we left Inveraray.

Aye, furtive. That's the word! Furtive.

APPLAUSE

Team Sanjeev, that was The Vital Spark, written by Neil Munro

and broadcast by the BBC in 1966.

You saw the wonderful John Grieve playing Dan MacPhail,

the book-loving engineer on the Clyde puffer, the Vital Spark.

You would also have noticed that we pixelated the book he was holding.

Can you take a guess what he was reading?

Clearly an adult publication. And he's saying the word "furtive" over and over again.

-I think it's a sexy thesaurus.

-That's easy for you to say!

Featuring lovelies in states of undress, saying posh words.

50 Shades Of Battleship Grey.

Oh!

It was always something seamy.

Something like I Was Held Hostage By Sex-starved Vixens,

-A True Story.

-Well, I'm surprised none of you got it.

Let's have a look.

It was Lady Cynthia Sins Again.

Of course it was. Who hasn't read that?!

Not nearly as racy as it sounds.

It's about a member of the House of Lords who falsifies her expenses.

-On to Ronni's team. Say when.

-Oh, right. OK, now.

Did you really feel at the time that you had what it takes?

I thought I was terrific, I really did! I thought I was great!

'Everybody knows Marie McDonald McLaughlin Lawrie.

'She's been called variously gravel-throated, raucous, cheeky,

'shattering and vivacious, bouncy, a bundle of talent, a great star.

'The butcher's daughter from Dennistoun is now 22,

'one of the richest girls in Britain,

'and for the last eight years she's been in every sense a Lulu.'

APPLAUSE

-"A Lulu!"

-Does anybody know exactly what a Lulu is?

Is it not a term that somebody from Morningside, a lady,

would call her private parts?

Cameron, if you take it with that attitude,

you'll be going nowhere near my lulu tonight!

I think it comes...

There was a popular song in the 1920s called

Hullabaloo Loo Don't Bring Lulu.

So I think she might have taken it from that.

The idea being that Lulu is a kind of a fizzy...all about town

sort of girl.

Logically, a Lulu should be a double toilet. A tandem toilet.

You know like women go into the toilet in pairs.

I don't really know what they're doing.

Just talking about boys and stuff.

-Is that it?

-Just talking about boys and stuff.

-You have the partition.

No, we take that away. That's just there when men go in.

That's when it become a lulu.

If you go into the ladies, there's no walls. There's no toilets.

It's just a sofa.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary,

it is now something extremely good or extremely bad.

And you can't criticise that.

The next clip is for Sanjeev's team. Tell me when to hit the telly.

Now.

Let's find out what the weather's up to over the next few days.

This afternoon, it'll be cold, wet and windy across most of Scotland.

We're under the influence of low pressure and this weather

front pushing northwards is bringing cloud and outbreaks of rain.

APPLAUSE

So, simple question, who was that man?

I have actually spoken to Sally Magnusson about that,

and she said he was genuinely nervous about addressing

the nation, doing the weather. Her advice to him was -

don't think of the whole nation watching you, just one plant.

It was Prince Charles in May 2012, presenting the weather from Glasgow.

He was introduced by Sally Magnusson, who has recently

written a book which may have raised a few eyebrows.

What was it about?

I'm not sure. Was it racy?

-Was it controversial?

-Not particularly.

Well, let's look at this logically.

If it's a book that raises eyebrows and it's not racy,

what else could it be? Controversial politically?

-Did she reveal herself to be a Communist?

-No.

-Right.

That's public knowledge.

Next one. She has been reading out the wrong news now for 15 years.

I'm sorry, Susan, you're very close. That was Sally McNair.

Sally's book is The Life Of Pee,

the story of how urine got everywhere.

What?!

I thought only men knew that.

Prince Charles did a reasonable job presenting the weather as an

amateur, but let's have a look at how a real pro might have done it.

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

It's been a funny kind of a day today.

LAUGHTER

As you can see, there's been absolutely no weather at all.

APPLAUSE

It's never quite Hogmanay without Rikki Fulton in Scotch & Wry.

So now, it's Hogmanay.

Checking the scores, I see it's a close call but Sanjeev's team,

are just like Dougie Donnelly's hair, perfectly placed.

APPLAUSE

This next round is called Who Is It?

In this round, we ask some, let's just say more mature viewers,

to comment on their favourite Scottish TV icons.

Sanjeev, all you and your team have to do is work out who they're

talking about and it's not as easy as you think.

I like yer voice. Your body's nae bad. The clothes, I could work wi'.

It's just yodelly, you know? "Woo-oo"!

A gallus Glasgow boy. He's wearing a white rhinestone cowboy outfit.

He would be nicer if he didnae wear white.

Because white is a disgusting colour

for men to wear at the best of times.

I don't know why he was called that.

-Except, you know, because it was rhyming slang.

-Aye. Mm-hm.

Well, it's quite obvious. Yodelling, women swooning. Iggy Pop.

It's clearly one of our native musical heroes. It is Sydney Devine!

Sydney Devine, you reckon? Let's have a look.

-# You know just where you are...

-Come and dance, come and dance

# Through the eyes of love You see a thousand stars

# Oh, when you dance, dance Dance to my ten guitars... #

APPLAUSE

A round of applause indeed.

That was from Devine Country, broadcast by STV in 1979.

He's known as Steak and Kidney, but can anyone come up with

any other celebrity television food nicknames?

-Fred McCauliflower Cheese!

-Wa-ay! I'll take that.

Sanjeev Coca-Kohli!

Sausage and Mashley Jensen. David Tennant's Lager!

-You're on fire!

-Tikka-la Benedetti! Scone Connery!

Or, Billy Scone-olly!

Flan and Anna!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's no wonder Miss Falkirk fell for you, by the way!

You see, I've got all the patter.

I've only got one. Anita Dob-scone. Scone. Oh, come on!

-Shandy Murray!

-Stop it! Stop it!

The Brandy Alexander Brothers!

Andy Murray-Mints! It's so easy!

That's brilliant. You're watching Neil Oh-love-a-pun!

-Neil O-liver and onions!

-See if there's a switch.

Maca-Ronni Ancona!

Love that!

Man's a genius! There's got to be more coming, we just know it.

Sanjeev Kohli-flower cheese!

-You've overdone the cauliflower cheese!

-It's easily done.

Frankie Boyle-d potatoes! Frankie Boyle-d rice!

None of us know what's just happened in the studio, OK?

Something just happened to Neil, he's going to be OK.

We're going to get help. And if you've been affected by any of the issues...

please phone the BBC for help.

Ronni's team, we've got more of our mature viewers for you.

Can you work out which Scottish telly icon they're talking about?

He has that kind of a broad, Scottish pie face!

Honestly, someone you'd love to say,

I wouldnae mind staying the night with him!

When he sang, it was his movement when he sang. You know. Yes.

BOTH: # I've just flew doon from the Isle of Skye

# I'm no' very big and I'm awful shy Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum

# Donald, where's yer troosers? #

I can see all the tumblers falling into place there, Alex.

-Go on, Alex.

-It's the great Andy Stewart!

It was. Can I just acknowledge that some of the ladies that were in the clip are in the audience?

Thank you very much indeed, ladies, in the third row. Lovely to see you.

APPLAUSE

A lot of people's favourite, Andy Stewart. Here's a wee look at him in action.

# Just come down from the Isle of Skye

# I'm no' very big and I'm awful shy

# And the lassies shout when I go by Donald, where's yer troosers?

# Let the wind blow high Let the wind blow low

# Through the streets in my kilt I'll go

# All the lassies say hello Donald, where's yer troosers? #

APPLAUSE

That was indeed Andy Stewart singing the self-same, Donald, Where's Yer Troosers?

From the White Heather Club in 1960.

Apparently only took Andy ten minutes to write the song,

but can you tell me, anyone, exactly where he wrote it?

We can't talk about the White Heather Club.

First rule of White Heather Club, you don't talk about White Heather Club.

-I know. He wrote it in London.

-No, it was more specific than that.

He wrote it with his trousers round his ankles on a toilet.

An interesting songwriting technique that also saw him pen

the less well-known Donald, I'd Give It Five Minutes, If I Were You.

And Donald, That's A Hire Kilt, You'll Not Get Your Deposit Back Now.

At the end of that round, our two teams are as difficult to separate

as Rab C Nesbitt is from his string vest.

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for What Happens Next?

I'll play a clip from the archive that's dustier than STV's

award cabinet these days.

I'll press pause and I want our teams to tell me what happened next.

Sanjeev's team, have a look at this.

What's this?

A Boy Scout jamboree?

The last person that did that near me...

Was the Moderator of the Church of Scotland.

LAUGHTER

Very good.

I'm going to ask you what happened to the last person who

spat at Taggart and no clues from you, Alex.

He was a no-nonsense fellow, Taggart, wasn't he?

Very little nonsense.

The last person who did that is now playing Abu Nazir at the King's.

Or is eating soup through a straw. It's one of those ones, isn't it?

The latter is closer. Let's find out.

The last person that did that near me

wore his baws hame for earrings.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That was, of course, Chief Inspector Jim Taggart

in 1986 from STV's long-running drama,

played by the much-missed Mark McManus.

In the 11 years that Mark McManus played the character,

he never once said, "There's been a murder."

Do you not think, though, I mean, if he did put your baws on your ears

that, once you were on your way home, you'd probably take them off?

I don't think you'd go all the way home with baws for earrings.

I think what you're trying to say is you wouldn't meander

back in home and go, "Do you like these? I'm not sure."

Oh, never mind, there we are.

Sanjeev's team, on which popular children's show did

Mark McManus begin his television career?

We know this one. We'll just, we'll just... Skippy... No?

-Oh, of course, yes.

-Skippy The Bush Kangaroo.

Absolutely right.

When living in Australia, Mark played Ted, a shearer, in the 1968

episode of Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, and we can have a wee look.

I thought you said nobody could find us here.

A kid and a kangaroo. That's all we need.

APPLAUSE

What would an Australian Taggart have sounded like?

-(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)

-There's been a murder.

-That's New Zealand.

-No. Oh, sorry.

-(SAME ACCENT)

-There's been a murder.

-That's better.

-Yeah, OK.

Am I right in thinking that Mark McManus's brother

-was the lead singer of The Sweet?

-Half brother.

-Absolutely right.

-Of the who?

No, The Sweet.

LAUGHTER

-SUSAN:

-That was great.

There was once a terrible incident on the set of the

Australian Broadcasting Corporation when Skippy spat at Mark McManus.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who knew Skippy's baws were so shiny. Ronni's team next.

Here are the inseparable Alexander Brothers from the 1960s

advert for the late, lamented Scottish off-licence, Agnew's.

-It must have cost you a fortune.

-No.

-Where did you buy it all?

Agnew's - much cheaper.

-Most of Agnew's whiskies are still at last year's prices.

-Help yourselves.

Don't play the piano.

So, why is Jack asking Tom not to play the piano?

Or maybe it's Tom asking Jack.

I don't think even their wives know which is which.

It's good to see what Jedward will look like in 40 years, isn't it?

I thought he was just saying, "Don't play the piano."

The other one says, "Why?" He says, "Just don't."

Cos you're not good at it.

Have you heard yourself playing the piano?

No, because I think, I think they hid the whisky in the piano.

In the piano. Well, let's have a look and see why.

Don't play the piano, I'm hiding my whisky in there.

Yes, it's far cheaper at Agnew's.

This is almost like a commercial for Agnew's stores.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The Alexander Brothers there, right enough,

doing nothing for the Scottish stereotype.

The only ones at a party wearing kilts,

boasting about buying cheap booze

and being so tight they hide it from their guests in a piano.

LAUGHTER

This next clip is for Team Sanjeev.

It's an extract from Reporting Scotland with Ken Bryson

telling us about one of the most important

moments in Scotland's very proud history.

It's just a few minutes after half past 12,

and business is brisk in this pub in Bannockburn near Stirling.

Nothing unusual, you may think, but this is history in the making. Why?

And, no, I wasn't just about to buy a round.

Why do you think this was history in the making?

I think one of the most significant things

that could have happened in that pub was a woman being allowed in,

because there is some guys with perms, but there's no women.

It looks like a Jocky Wilson lookalike contest.

Let's find out.

Because it's Sunday, and up until now, pubs in Scotland

have not been allowed to open on Sundays.

That's right, after the Licensing Scotland Act of 1976 was introduced,

it wasn't until 1977 that we could have a drink on a Sunday.

And, Susan, you were very close,

men-only bars were also abolished that year.

Sunday viewing on television, do you remember Scotspraise, any of you?

-Scots Praise?

-Yeah, Scotspraise.

There's no such thing as praise in Scotland.

Let's have a look at a clip from Scotspraise,

broadcast by BBC Scotland in 1977.

In particular, I want you to listen carefully

to what the minister says to the wee boy.

-Hello. Happy new year to you.

-Thank you.

-And a happy new year.

And to you too, and how's your hangover?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was the splendidly named, very reverent

Dr William B Johnston inquiring of the young boy's hangover.

Perhaps the Communion wine should have been kept on a higher shelf.

Ronni's team, it's time for the next clip,

and we're about to see some very excitable young ladies

who are going to be looking for their heroes in the flesh.

'They began queuing first thing this morning.

'By midday, the police estimated well over 1,000 teenagers

'spilling outside the barriers along Glasgow's Union Street.'

-The lead singer.

-All of them.

-A few of them.

He's got a lovely smile.

-He's got a lovely smile and he's...

-And he's beautiful!

-(IMPERSONATES GIRL)

-He's beautiful!

Who do we think they were getting excited about?

Greggs the bakery opening?

Yeah, Gregg was going to be there in person.

They were queuing up to meet him, get his autograph. No, I think...

was it Jimmy Shand's final farewell concert at the Apollo?

Was that the queue to get into an Alexander Brothers party?

In their dreams, yeah.

There's only one person I think is that beautiful,

and that's Marti Pellow from Wet Wet Wet.

-Marti Pellow, you reckon. Let's find out.

-It can't be Marti Pellow!

'At the record store, fever pitch was reached as the Wets,

'as they're known to their fans, made their first appearance of the day.

'In a quieter moment below stairs, the band told me

'how they felt about their new-found success.'

Basically, when your clothes start getting stole off the washing line,

you know there's something strange happening.

I hate to tell you, Marti, but you don't need to be famous

to have your clothes stole off the line in Clydebank, or stolen.

That's right, it was Wet Wet Wet from a report by Louise Bachelor

on Reporting Scotland in 1987.

Original member Tommy Cunningham said,

"It was either crime, the dole or music,"

and the jury is still out on which they chose.

APPLAUSE

As the bells draw nearer, fittingly our last round is called

First Footing, where we raid the archive to find the earliest

television appearances of some of our biggest TV stars.

Team Ronni, here's a young David Tennant on Dramarama

called The Secret Of Croftmore, made by STV in 1988.

Still waiting for the council to tarmac the road, eh?

-You remember these two?

-I do, of course. How are you both?

-Very well, thank you, Aunt Jean.

-BLEEP

Any suggestions on David's first line?

He's definitely saying,

"Very soon I'm going to be too famous to talk to any of you."

Is he saying, "I haven't decided

"whether to become David Tennant or Tilda Swinton"?

It could have gone either way at that point!

At that point, I think he was at a crossroads.

Let's find out what he said.

I'm fine, thank you.

Oh! And the Scottish BAFTA goes to David Tennant,

proving there the old acting adage, "Less is less."

For Sanjeev's team, slightly different.

This is The Big Break on STV, a talent show from 1988.

Who do you think is about to perform?

Let's now meet our first contestant.

She's only 14 years of age and she comes from Anstruther in Fife.

BACKING TRACK PLAYS "VENUS" BY SHOCKING BLUE

So, who might that be?

Well, see the give-away is, it's...there's only ever been

one famous person from Anstruther, so the answer is Robert Mugabe.

I genuinely know the answer,

so I'm not going to beat around the bush, cos I'm proud that I know this,

because this is a woman I admire deeply, and it's Edith Bowman.

-It's Edith Bowman.

-Edith Bowman, you reckon. Let's find out, Susan.

# A goddess on a mountain top

# Was burning like a silver flame

# The summit of beauty and love

# And Venus was her name

# She's got it

# Yeah, baby, she's got it. #

APPLAUSE

It is indeed Edith Bowman.

Not only has she got it, there seems to be no known cure,

and it's attacking her central nervous system.

Susan, how did you first come across that?

I remember someone sent me the link once, because she is...

she's a wonderful and quite glamorous lady, I would say,

and very cool. And the fact that she, like most of us,

has an embarrassing past in the 1980s

where we dressed like that in puffball skirts

and tried to be in a talent show, I thought it was lovely.

I've never worn a puffball skirt in my life!

Yet.

Semolina Zavaroni.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ronni's team, another Dramarama here,

this time called The Macrame Man, made in 1988 by STV.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the largest of roles,

and the appearance is a bit fleeting,

but I want to know if you can tell me who plays the lad running away.

GLASS SHATTERS

Right, I've caught you at it now,

I'm phoning the paper shop to report you!

-You wouldnae dare!

-You just see if I will, ya cheeky midden!

Is he running away from fear of that perm?

Is it Stephen Hawking?

There is the still, from 1988.

Is it a Proclaimer?

-Often mistaken for one.

-Frankie Boyle!

-It's not Frankie, is it?

-Shut up!

Frankie Boyle, it is indeed!

It was, of course, Frankie Boyle, whose first words on TV were,

"You wouldnae dare!"

A line he's used many times in comedy clubs ever since.

Sanjeev's team, we've got a beautiful tune

from STV's A Touch Of Music for you,

a showcase for young musical talent in Scotland.

From 1987, this is presented by Kay Duncan.

Ewan's been playing the horn since he was nine.

He also plays the drums in the school pipe band

and the electric and acoustic guitar.

If I may...

-You may.

-If I may, Ewan "Big Mac" Gregor.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're absolutely right, it was indeed Ewan McGregor.

What I want to know, though, is what was the tune?

I would say Mozart or Beethoven or...

-Strawberry Switchblade.

-..Strawberry Switchblade

or one of the above or someone German or Austrian or French.

-Am I nearly there, Fred?

-You're getting warmer all the time.

-Italian. British. Irish.

-No, it's European.

-I think it was Mozart.

You think it was Mozart?

It was indeed Mozart's Horn Concerto No 4 in E Flat Major.

Not that Ewan knew.

In the film Brassed Off, Ewan plays the horn note-perfectly which,

after watching that performance, proves what a brilliant actor he is.

And on that note, we find ourselves at the end of our celebrations

of Scots On The Box.

Our two teams have both demonstrated outstanding knowledge

of their TV heritage, but, like an episode of Still Game,

there can only be one victor, and tonight's winners are...

Team Sanjeev!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sanjeev, there is your magnificent Scots On The Box trophy.

A huge thank you to all my guests, Ronni, Alex and Mark,

and Sanjeev, Susan and Neil Oliver Oil.

Thank you at home for watching.

Do stay tuned to BBC Scotland

all the way through to the bells and beyond.

On behalf of everyone here in the studio,

I'll take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Jackie Bird's Custard.