Christmas Special 2010 Shooting Stars

THEME TUNE

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'welcome to the celebrity showbiz quiz, Shooting Stars!

'Here are your hosts this evening, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer!'

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CHEERING

# Come along and let's start Shooting Stars. #

SQUEAKING

It's Jimmy Page!

LAUGHTER

It's Ronnie Will He? Won't He? Yes He Wood!

CHEERING

Oi! Fifty years of Christmases spent in bed.

It's Ulrika-ka-ka-ka!

It's Jack Dee-dee-dee-dee. # Does he know it's Christmas? No. #

LAUGHTER

Aw! Ricky 'The Radiator' Tomlinson.

-And randy Thandie Newton.

-APPLAUSE

ROCK MUSIC

ASCENDING NOTES

RIPPING

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Simon. That certainly cleaned me out.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome, for example, to a special Christmas Shooting Stars.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-With Walter Hottlebottle!

-LAUGHTER

-Hello, Walter. What's that, Walter?

-MUMBLES

-He wants to do his special Christmas trick.

-Let him do it.

Hold your arm out, Mr Bob. He's going to jump in slow motion.

DRUM ROLL

LAUGHTER

FANFARE

DRUM ROLL

FANFARE

DRUM ROLL

FANFARE

-LAUGHTER

-Bravo, Walter.

Get him away from me! No!

That's Walter but there's somebody missing.

The man who keeps the Christmas scores, it's Angelo-os!

# Mr Boombastic say me fantastic

# Touch me on my butt she says I'm Mr Ro-

# Romantic call me fantastic

# She touch me on my butt She says Mr Ro-

# Smooth just like silk

# Soft and coddle Hug me up like a quilt. #

-Oi! Angelos!

-What?

-What's that?

-Hey?

-What's that trailing from your rear end?

-Have you been hiding in the tree outside Ulrika's room?

-No.

-Have you, Angelos?

-No.

-Angelos?

-No!

-Angelos.

-No!

Yes. Yes I have. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Yes. So?

-Angelos, where are you spending Christmas?

-What?

-Where are you spending Christmas?

-Ulrika's.

-LAUGHTER

-Is he, Ulrika?

-No!

-I am! I've dug a tunnel! LAUGHTER

What, you've got a shelter underneath, have you?

Yeah, got a shelter. All my provisions - a turkey, a gas stove.

It's gonna be a lovely time. Come down!

-Or else I'll come up.

-Keeping score for us, Angelos?

HONK Yeah, alright.

-Thanks very much!

-Ronnie Wood.

Yeah.

There's a railway station near your house with a plaque.

It says, "Queen Victoria was laid by this stone."

-LAUGHTER

-Was that you?

-That was Bill.

-Was it?

-Yep.

It was, wasn't it? I knew it. I had a sniff.

-You had a sniff?

-LAUGHTER AND GROANS

What's the latest you've ever stayed up?

LAUGHTER

Six days ago.

Really? Because I stayed up...

A couple of weeks ago I stayed up 'til about half one!

Let me tell you, there's some pretty good telly that time of night!

Right. Ronnie, here's a question.

Take a look at your monitor and you'll see a top celebrity

who's hiding his face with his hand. Who is it?

LAUGHTER

Who d'you reckon that is? He's very, very famous.

I dunno who the hell it is but it looks like...

-John Travolta to me.

-Let's have a look.

BOTH: It's Robert De Niro! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was Robert De Niro. Unlucky, there, Ronnie.

Ronnie, what's your favourite record?

Exile on Main Street. What's your favourite record?

Hundred and ten metre hurdles. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-It's a good record, Angelos.

-It may never be beaten.

-It's lovely to see you, Joanna.

-Thank you.

-Would you like a question, Joanna?

-Yes I would, please.

-Here goes.

True or false, muesli is a by-product of coffin making.

LAUGHTER False.

Actually it's true.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Ulrika-ka-ka The Scan-da-nav-i-an delight

# Ulrika-ka-ka keeps pickled herring In her tights. #

SMALL EXPLOSIONS

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

-APPLAUSE

THANDIE COUGHS

APPLAUSE AND HOWLING LAUGHTER

Was that you, Thandie? Was that you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was your fault! You were supposed to be in charge of that!

I think it was... I think it was an electrical fault.

-What happened?

-I think it was the electrics.

-That's ridiculous. You're a cretin.

-I'm not a cretin.

-You are.

You're a cretin and a moron.

Last night, Vic, you burned the house down.

Alright, we'll be squit-squiddly-it-dits, then.

-Just don't do it again, you moron.

-LAUGHTER

Ulrika. It's Christmas.

For old time's sake, let's see you drink a pint,

but a pint of a nice Christmassy drink.

-No!

-The egg-based fluid, I can only call it a fluid,

that goes under the name of Advocaat.

Oh. You're kidding me. I've never had it. What is it?

Have you not seen James Cameron's Advocaat?

LAUGHTER

-Seriously to God, what is it?

-Advocaat.

-That looks like Penicillin!

-Yeah?

It doesn't say, "Guaranteed not to look like Penicillin."

Stand up. Do your best, love. I'll give you ten seconds.

-Oh my God.

-I know, I know. It's Christmas!

-CHEERING

-Are you ready, Ulrika?

A-a-and...go!

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four...

-SCREAMING AND WHISTLING

-Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

-Give her the bucket.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BURP

-LAUGHTER

-Well done, you get the point.

Now, Jack, with your face like an abandoned winklepicker.

LAUGHTER

With your face like a rodgered Whittaker.

-Like a retarded cowboy.

-LAUGHTER

Like a willy warmer with mouse droppings on it.

LAUGHTER

Tell us your miserable Christmas story.

I've had a terrible Christmas.

I can't wait 'til it's over and I can take my presents to the dump.

LAUGHTER

I bought Christmas tree lights from Angelos' pound shop.

They didn't work and he didn't give me my money back.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-They didn't work! They did not work!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Listen, Dee. One of them worked.

LAUGHTER

Right, Jack. Here's a question for you.

True or false, Iron Man can iron up to ten shirts in one hour.

LAUGHTER

-That's false.

-You reckon that's false. It's true.

And when him and the Steamer get together, it's laundry madness!

LAUGHTER

Ricky, it's lovely to see you here. How're you feeling?

I was pretty good but I was told it was Newsnight.

-You were told what?

-HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

I was told I was going on Newsnight!

You got quite a shock, then.

LAUGHTER

Has that thrown you, Bob? LAUGHTER

He's such a soppy old thing.

-Have you seen him, Ricky?

-Seen what?

-What's behind you.

-No.

You don't want to know, do you?

LAUGHTER Oh for...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got a celebrity question for you.

Have a look at your monitor and a celebrity is going to ask you a question.

See if you can answer.

Weak, limp, lifeless, dull, oily, flaky, dry,

nitty, manky, fag ash, stinkin', clammy, shitty and knackered.

Come on girls, what am I describing this time?

LAUGHTER

-What's she describing, Ricky?

-Not my underpants, is it?!

What do you reckon? What's she describing?

-The extensions of her hair.

-The extensions of her hair.

Let's find out.

No, I'm not describing Simon Cowell. I'm describing my prat.

LAUGHTER

Thandie.

Thandie, oh, Thandie.

Thandie, you wanna make love?

-Now?

-Yes. You wanna make love?

Here. Take my glove. I don't need it no more.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

COUNTRY MUSIC

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

So, Thandie, I expect you're suitably impressed.

Thandie, here's a question for you.

A leopard never changes his...?

Spots.

Sorry, it's underpants.

LAUGHTER

That's the end of the first round, so what are the scores Angelos?

Angelos?

DREAMY MUSIC

Angelos, I'm going to give you the best Christmas present ever.

OK then. What do you want me to do?

Why don't you touch me?

No. Touch me properly.

LAUGHTER

Why don't you just dim the lights?

LAUGHTER

I love you, Angelos.

I love you, Angelos.

OK then. Let's do it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

DREAMY MUSIC

Angelos! Angelos!

-Angelos!

-What?

-They want you.

-You stay away from me.

LAUGHTER

What's the matter? What are the scores, Angelos?

Ulrika's got two and Jack's got nothing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERFUL MUSIC

APPLAUSE

The next round is the clips round.

I'd like both teams to look at this clip of Mulligan and and O'Hare

with a selection of their Christmas music.

The question follows. Watch carefully.

# Is there anything decent on the Christmas telly this year?

# Non. Zero.

# Surely Ant and Dec have got a special on the telly this year?

# Zero. Zero.

# Is Noel Edmonds giving presents to orphans?

# Or some shit on Discovery about Christmas dolphins?

# No. Zero. N'est pas. D'accord. Zero. Rien. Nowt. #

LAUGHTER

# What are you wearing on Christmas day?

# Denim! Denim! D-d-d-d-denim!

# What are you wearing for Christmas dinner?

# Denim! Denim! Patches of denim!

# What are you wearing for the Christmas disco?

# Denim! Denim!

# My diddly denim bra

# Denim! #

LAUGHTER

# Christmas at the Premier Inn.

# Bye bye Christmas.

# Room service there's no-one in.

# Nowhere to rest one's Christmas chin.

# Bye.

# Bye Christmas.

# The restaurant's closed, the pipes are froze.

# Why we came here, no-one knows.

# Bye bye.

# No-one in the bar but Lenny Henry.

# Bye bye.

# Christmas. #

Non!

APPLAUSE

Team B, I'll come to you first.

Some Christmas songs there from Mulligan and O'Hare,

but can you tell me what is the biggest ever selling Christmas single?

-White Christmas.

-In the UK.

-Noddy Holder?

And so here it is... What's it called?

-I think it would be Slade.

-Slade. Joanna?

-The one, "It's Christmas!"

-That's Slade, yeah?

Ulrika, I'll have to take the answer from you cos you're the skipper.

-Yeah, I'll go with that.

-Slade. Over to you for Team A's answer.

-Any ideas? What was it? The best selling?

-The biggest selling UK Christmas single.

-Thandie, what do you think?

-I think it's the Live Aid one.

-Is that what you're going for, Jack?

-Live Aid.

-I'm afraid you're both wrong.

The answer is John Lennon, "Happy Christmas War Is Over."

Having said that, if you take sales from the Norfolk area only,

it's Mick Moff from Mick Moffin and the Mothmen

with, "It's going to be another buffin shaped Christmas this year."

Followed by number two, "There's a moth in the microwave Martha, so Christmas is cancelled."

And at number three, "There's a moth in my mouth mother. Fetch Malcolm. Fetch Malcolm."

-Also by Mick Moff and his Mothmen.

-From Mick Moff and the Mothmen.

But that's Norfolk only figures.

Ulrika.

# I wish you a merry Christmas I wish you a merry Christmas

# I wish you a merry Christmas And a happy new year. #

-That is for you. You may open it now.

-Open it up.

-Open it.

Open it.

Now they weren't originally for you, I've got to be honest.

They were originally for the lady what I rent a room off of.

But I thought it was inappropriate.

LAUGHTER

I thought it was inappropriate to give them to her

because the lady I rent a room off of is my Mum.

LAUGHTER

Merry Christmas!

APPLAUSE

It's time for the Dove round,

so can you all help me beckon down the beautiful plump Dove from Above.

THEY COO

Isn't she beautiful? Joanna, could you pick a category from the Dove from Above?

I'm going to go with 'Secrets'.

Seek rats?

LAUGHTER

-Secrets.

-Oh!

-Sea rats.

Earlier today, we did some secret recording

in one of the other people's dressing room.

We're going to play you the audio only.

Listen, and can you tell us who's dressing room it was we were recording in?

-OK.

-Listen carefully.

SPRINGS SQUEAK

Who's dressing room do you think that might have been?

I would say that was Thandies'.

LAUGHTER

Why would that be?

I think that's the sort of noise she probably would make in there.

LAUGHTER

-On her own or with someone?

-On her own.

LAUGHTER

-That's your answer?

-That is my answer.

-Let's find out.

SPRINGS SQUEAK

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was Ricky!

Ricky! Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!

Ricky relaxing on the rocking horse that he came here on.

Here's something I've been waiting a long time to show you. It's my buzzard.

-Aaaahhh!

-It's alright.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-What is that thing?

-Just something I wanted to show you.

-What is it?

-It's my buzzard with no confidence now, Vic,

since you put the cocktail in its face.

-Ron, pick a category from the Dove.

-Oh Yeah.

Oh Yeah!

Right, it's Angelos' Variety Showcase.

He's going to perform a bit of magic, Ronnie.

Watch carefully, the question follows.

SERENE MUSIC

SQUEAL

SQUEAL

DRUM ROLL

AUDIENCE GASP

CHEERS AND LAUGHTER

Well done, Angelos.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Thank you, Angelos.

-Thank you, Angelos.

Now, Ron, here's the question.

We saw some bacon there.

-Do you like bacon?

-Yes, sometimes. Crispy.

-I've got some bacon.

-You have.

Do you reckon if I throw that at Bob's face, it'd stick?

It means it's done.

Do you think it will..? Ha ha!

Do you think it'll stick or fall?

It will stick.

Let's find out.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Ricky, would you like to select a category from the Dove from Above.

-Club and Jazz, please.

-Club and Jazz, Club and Jazz.

It's a Club Singer question. Mr Reeves who should be seated here,

-Hello.

-That's Mr Reeves, who'll sing a song in a club style.

Listen carefully, can you guess what sing it is he's singing.

-Ready, Angelos.

-Yes. DRUM BEAT

# Oh wen nendo de-miri dippo

# Medo yo mi orch espiria

# E mi bob bevinchi soo re geeva hurry boo

# Hey! Appy noo yo-yo-yo hoo hey! #

AUDIENCE CHEERS

What song..? What song was that?

-We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

-We Wish You...

-A Merry Christmas.

-Mr Reeves?

-It was.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear that song sung in the style of Sir Cecil Airplane

and his jazz ensemble.

QUICK BEAT

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

# Wish you a Merry Christmas

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

# And a Happy New Ye-e-ear! #

-Oh, that's nice.

-Thandie.

-Oh, they're lovely.

-They are, they're for her.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

You are just going to have to get in line.

-He's got a point.

-True.

-So, Angelos.

-What?

-Wadda the scores?

ROBOTIC VOICE: One million two hundred and five thousand six hundred and seventy eight.

-I want to know what the scores are.

-Please don't interrupt.

How many has Jack's team got?

Loads.

How many has Ulrika's team got?

More than Jack.

Angelos, how much has Jack got?

Nothing. He's got nothing.

-How much has Ulrika got?

-Two.

-Yes, thanks, Angelos.

HORN SOUNDS

Oh, we forgot to ask. Hey, hey, how stupid of us on a Christmas show.

-Let's find out what's in his bag.

-Good idea.

# What's in your bag, Angelos

-# Tell us what's in your bag

-You bastard

# An album by the girl band, Girls Aloud

# And a piece of the Turin Shroud. #

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Nice contents.

-Yeah.

Next round is the quick fire round.

It's on the buzzers so we want to see those fingers.

Can we see those fingers?

There we are. See those fingers.

We don't know how much time we've got. When time's up you'll hear -

A-a-a-a-a-argh!

FISTS FIGHT AND CYMBAL CRASH

-Off you go, Vic.

-True or false.

To this day, Gok Wan's father believes his son works as a docker in Hull.

BUZZER

-True.

-True?

-True.

-It is true.

Name a type of bee.

-BUZZER

-A honey bee.

No, it's lower case.

True of false. In May, Melvin Bragg's hair was designated

an area of Outstanding Beauty?

-BUZZER

-That's Dee.

-That's true.

-It is true!

-Name a type of tea.

-BUZZER

-That's Newton.

-Lapsang souchong.

No. Uppercase.

Name a type of cue.

-BUZZER

-That is Jonsson.

-Capital Q.

-No, snooker.

True or false...

END OF ROUND CALL

That's the end of the quiz so what are the final scores, Angelos?

Well, for one night only tonight the scores are tied.

Audience: Ooooh!

I'm very pleased about that because for this special occasion we've got a double-headed challenge.

I'm going to ask Ronnie and Ricky if they'll go head-to-head

-in tonight's final challenge.

-Yes!

It's a good fun challenge.

Praise the Lord!

Come and join us Ronnie and Ricky for tonight's final challenge.

-Come on!

-Thank you, Ricky.

Ronnie... Ronnie and Ricky, if you'd like to join me.

Thanks for doing this challenge.

It's going to be worthwhile for the winner.

Here's Mr Reeves with details of the prize.

You could win this magnificent prize. Just take a look in here.

MAGICAL MUSIC

Wow! You could win -

This magnificent torch!

-A beautiful prize.

-Could be yours.

A simple challenge. If you'd like to take your positions on a cart of your choice.

There's Ricky seated in his cart.

The first person to cross the ramp and successfully leap the sausages.

Mr Reeves is showing you the sausages.

-One, two, three.

-You must leap the ramp without damaging the sausages.

That really would be just criminal. OK?

All right, Ronnie? I'll turn it on.

Have you ever shopped in one of these before?

-When I was little, in there.

-You used to sit in there?

-Yeah.

OK, lads, it's as simple as that. Three, two, one, go!

Come on, Ricky!

Come on, Ronnie!

AUDIENCE CHEERS THEM ON

Here they come!

Here they come!

Congratulations Ricky!

Well done, Ricky. You've won the torch!

That's good night from the Christmas Shooting Stars.

# Good night from Shooting Stars

# Good night wherever you are. #

Happy Christmas to all our viewers.

Come on!

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