Wheelchair Conference Siblings

This programme contains some strong language.

So the three of them go in the bank. They just look like normal guys,

you know, glasses, trench coats.

Then the girl drops her bag and suddenly it is like...

IMPERSONATES A MACHINE GUN

Wait, wait, hold on - when did this happen?

Uh...1999, I think? Then they did Reloaded.

And then Revolutions.

Have you just been describing The Matrix to me for 20 minutes?

You said it was a real story!

I said it could be, that's sort of the point of the film.

Whatever. Ooh, I'd better get to work, it's 10.30, can't be too late.

Come on, sis, stay. You said your boss doesn't care when you turn up.

I said he doesn't remember when I turn up.

One of the perks of having a department run by an alcoholic.

That and the time he had the water dispenser filled with Ouzo.

Oh, my God.

Seriously though, it's taken ages

but I've finally figured out how to do zero work but still keep my job.

The trick is to get in six minutes after Andy's

had his mid-morning bourbon - that way his head's still a bit fuzzy.

OK, fine but while you're at work,

what am I supposed to do? I have been so bored this week.

Yesterday, I took apart all the plug sockets.

Day before that I had a yogurt in the bath. What now?

Dan, it's not my fault you don't have anyone to hang out with.

Fine, but if I choke to death trying to see how many forks

I can fit in my mouth, I'm going to blame you.

Sorry I'm late, boss. I brought you a coffee.

It's got a shot of Bailey's in it, just the way you like it.

Aw, thank you, Hannah. I'm actually on my way out...for good!

You're leaving?

The powers that be have spoken, Hannah, and they have said,

"You've got a problem and you're running this place into the ground."

Well, what happens now?

Well, they said something about rehab but...

No, for me. I mean, are you coming back?

-No, but I'm sure they've got a replacement lined up.

-A replacement?

Someone a bit more "switched on" and less "frighteningly incompetent".

No! Come on, Andy, we've got to fight this.

You are the best boss I've ever had.

-Really?

-Yes!

I mean, OK, so you got drunk

and pissed yourself in a couple of meetings. So what, who hasn't?!

What other boss would let me take a week off just

to finally nail down my "summer look".

Ah, that means a lot, Hannah. You've always stuck by me.

Even after you caught me spanking it in the conference room.

What? No, that... That wasn't me.

See, I am just not switched on.

Oh, that feels good.

Is it all right if I sit here?

What are you working on?

Er... It's er...a screenplay.

That is so cool. I've been meaning to get on that stuff.

I had an idea for a film set entirely in space.

How long you been working on that?

About 18 months.

Sorry, I really need to focus.

Oh, sure. Pretend I'm not here.

Dude, you're a film buff - what's your take on the theory going around

that every Keanu Reeves film is actually set within the Matrix.

That's why he plays all the characters the same way.

Hey, mate...

Woooaah!

Please, don't...

I'm joking, I'm joking.

You backed up, right? You should always back up.

Oh, hey, careful!

Sorry.

I am exhausted.

I've spent the whole day looking for people to hang out with.

I've been everywhere - the cinema, bowling alley, hospital.

Hospital?

Yeah, but it was a total flop.

Although, I did manage to swipe a bunch of the stuff

they use to make leg casts.

What's all this?

Oh, I'm just stalking my new head of department.

Wait, what happened to boozy Andy? Did his liver explode?

Even worse, he got fired!

It's so unfair, he was a functioning alcoholic. They're the best kind!

They're fun and they get shit done.

Now I've got to start again with this new woman, Annette Walker.

So what are you looking for?

Just anything I can use to schmooze.

Get on her good side early like I did with Andy.

The problem is there are loads of

different Annette Walkers on LinkedIn.

This one went to the University of Hull.

This one's from Costa Rica. I'm going to have to learn all of this.

When I need to remember something, I just squeeze my fists real tight.

Oh, my God?!

Oh, yeah, this is Biscuits.

I met him in the park, we hung out a bit.

He sort of...followed me home.

Dan, please get rid of him now.

Nah, come on, Biscuits is fine.

Yesterday I saw a mouse kill his whole family.

Do you guys like sesame?

Yeah, all right, I'll get rid of him after dinner.

Hi, Annette, I just wanted to introduce myself.

I'm Hannah, the Executive Team Assistant.

I brought you a nice cup of Joe.

Oh, well that's great, thank you, Hannah.

Yeah, the beans come all the way from Costa Rica.

Beautiful part of the world, don't you think?

I've never been.

Cool, cool.

Still, not many Costa Ricans at the University Of Hull. A fantastic...

Ugh, another bloody LinkedIn invite.

My cousin, just cos she's started making miniature figurines

out of candle wax, thinks she's a businesswoman.

So you're not on LinkedIn, then?

Sorry, Hannah, is there something I can help you with, or...?

No, I just wanted to come to introduce myself and see how

you were settling in.

Oh, slowly but surely.

I've got to say, Andy's left this department in a real mess.

Literally.

Most of those cabinets were just full of banana peel

and Turkish delight.

Yeah, that was his hangover cure.

To be honest, I'm worried the whole system's going to need an overhaul.

Overhaul?! That sounds serious.

I mean, looking at these appraisals,

Kevin's position basically encompasses your job.

If that's true, we're just throwing money away.

Then again, they were all covered in rum, so who knows what to believe.

I think there's room for both me and Kevin.

I mean, yes, Kevin can be incompetent and very...homophobic.

So I guess if one of us had to go...

I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Oh, while you're here, Angela is away,

so if you could outline all her 2014 policies by the end of the day

that would be great.

You want me to do all of these by two?!

No, I want them done by six.

Oh, yeah, six, obviously.

6pm, when I normally leave the office.

MOBILE RINGS

What is it, Dan?

I've written a rap from the perspective of a slaughtered cow.

-What?

-I figured I'd try writing a rap.

-It's from the perspective...

-Dan, I'm way too busy.

It turns out just I spent the whole weekend

looking up facts about Costa Rica for nothing.

-Let me just give you the first verse then.

-This is serious, Dan, I've got to figure this out.

Otherwise she's going to realise I don't do anything around here

and she's going to get rid of me.

Oh, shit, she's talking to Kevin. I've got to go.

Hey, gang! What's the goss?

Er, Kevin's taking me through the old liability data.

Like I say, I don't know if this is too much,

but I got the last five years together.

No, this is really useful, Kevin.

Kevin, what was that thing you were saying the other week

about how gay people shouldn't be allowed to live by the seaside?

Well, I don't think that was me.

Anyway, Annette, if you want

I can always stay behind for an hour or so. We could go over them.

Aw, no, not tonight. I'm meeting my son, Charlie, for dinner.

I'm picking up my company car at lunch. It's being refitted.

Refitted?

Yeah, he's in a wheelchair.

Oh, God, I had to do the same thing for my mother-in-law moved down.

-It's such a pain, isn't it?

-Oh, yes.

-Yeah, yeah. I also know how that feels.

-Really?

Uh-huh. Big time. My brother...is in a wheelchair, also.

You've never said anything your brother.

You've never asked, Kevin.

I actually live with him. We're pretty close.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, that's actually him now.

Sorry to take this at work. He's probably just a bit bored.

He finds it quite hard meeting people.

# You wanted a beef Well ya got one now

# Spit it from my udders, I'm a murdered... #

He's a real inspiration.

How old is your brother, Hannah?

Uh, he's 23.

Same age as my Charlie.

Piss off! You look way too young to have a son who's 23.

You are a stone-cold MILF.

No offence.

None taken. Ha.

-What are you and your brother doing tonight?

-Uh, nothing.

Well, you should come for dinner with me and Charlie.

He's always got something or other going on.

I'm sure he'd be happy to introduce your brother to a few people.

Well...

Hey, I'm not taking no for an answer.

Then I guess that is what is happening then. Great.

You know, I mean, I could always come along too?

I'm sure my mother-in-law's free.

What?

No, another time.

What are you doing?

I gave the television a cast.

OK, fine, whatever. Look, what are you up to tonight?

Do you fancy coming to dinner with me and my boss and her son, Charlie?

Yeah, definitely!

Cool. There is one other thing.

I kind of need you to pretend to be in a wheelchair.

No problem.

Really? Just like that? You're not even going to ask me why?

Whatever it is, I'm on board.

-OK, but my boss thinks that you're...

-Say no more.

-I kind of do need to say more because...

-'Nuff said. I've got this.

-You get the chair, I'll handle the rest.

-Dan!

Hannah, I'm way ahead of you.

How can that be true? You've literally just found out about this.

You could have got me a nicer chair. I mean, this thing is falling apart.

It's only because you keep trying to do wheelies.

Look, let's just get our story straight before they turn up.

I was jet skiing in Puerto Rico...

You were 16. It was a part-time job.

Somebody backed into you with a forklift.

And we didn't get any compensation.

Right, which is why I've got such a shitty chair.

I like it.

Maybe my co-workers throw an annual banquet in my honour?

Focus, I swear, if I lose my job,

I will put your organs up for sale on eBay.

Hannah, hi. I am so sorry we're late, hi.

Hi, I'm Dan. Nice to meet you.

-Charlie, hi.

-Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Those are sweetass headphones.

Oh, thanks.

I got them last summer at this gadget expo out in Japan.

Literally every word in that sentence

was cooler than the one before.

Hannah, let's swap. I want to sit opposite Charlie.

So what were you doing out in Japan?

Did you bump into any sumo wrestlers?

No, I was out there for work. I develop video games.

Shut the fuck up!

That has literally been my dream job since I was five.

Except for two weeks when I wanted to be a circus strongman.

Pretty sweet job.

I just put on my headphones and bash out code all day.

The thing about Kevin is, he's very, very unreliable

and he's constantly taking time off work because he's got ringworm.

-Really?

-If you ever get the chance,

look inside his desk because it is packed full of ointments.

Honestly, I don't think there is ever a time when he's not applying some kind of cream to himself.

Well, it's really good to get a bit of inside knowledge.

Sometimes as the new boss you can feel like a bit like the outsider.

Hey, I'll be your eyes and ears on the ground.

Say the word, and I'll be any body part you want.

Speaking of code, have you ever heard the theory that every

Keanu Reeves movie is in fact actually set within the Matrix?

Right, it's probably why he acts the same in every film.

Do you want to come over and watch them all tomorrow?

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't tomorrow. I've got a basketball match.

You play basketball as well? Is there anything you can't do?

Well, except for obviously, you know... ...

If you want, you know, could come and watch us play.

We made it to the semis.

Well, I've got a semi right now,

because that is the best idea I've ever heard.

Annette, your son is a whiz kid!

Thank you so much for inviting me.

I've actually been having a bit of a rough time recently.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Hannah, if you ever need any extra help, or some time off,

you just ask, yeah?

Oh, thank you.

Ever since the accident it has been quite hard juggling things.

-How long ago was it?

-Seven years ago.

-Last year.

Six... Last year was six years, so seven overall.

-Do you want to know how it happened?

-No, I don't they need...

I was jet skiing in Puerto Rico.

And I picked up this girl who was basically a model,

and we were getting hot and heavy.

Not relevant, really.

Just a dynamite body, I'm telling you.

When suddenly this huge wave comes and just tips the whole thing over.

Anyway, there's a child in the water so I dive in to try and save him,

but the jetski crushes my leg.

And the boy dies right there in my arms.

Oh!

You know what? I still don't regret trying.

Now, as for my left leg...

Same thing. Exactly the same thing.

Thank God he survived to tell that...incredible story.

Shall we get the bill? Can we?

..and if we take a look at the

customer satisfaction figures dating

back to '06, you can see that pattern developing, there.

I think there's a lot we can learn from this

as we move into the next year.

I just think it's a case of checking in with the consumer at every step.

Thank you, Kevin.

OK, I think that's everything.

Thank you, team.

Hannah, could you stay behind for a second?

Hey, is this about last night?

If I'd known you were going to pay the bill I never would have ordered two mains.

Oh, no, don't be silly. I had a great time.

Charlie, too. I think he and Dan really hit it off.

Are you kidding, I haven't seen Dan that happy

since he realised the platypus was a real animal.

Oh, that's great. No, listen,

I've got to attend this miserable industry conference in Woking, but

they said I could invite a member of staff, so I thought maybe you.

Really?

Full disclosure, it's going to be as dull as sin.

But we do get to spend the night in a hotel,

so I thought the cheap slippers and mini jams might make up for it.

Well, in that case, I am definitely in.

Oh, by the way, did you manage to get Angela's policy figures for me?

Ah, no, I did not, sorry.

I was working on them but then something came up with Dan, so...

Don't worry. I'll get somebody else to do it, maybe Kevin.

That would be ideal.

Let's just hope he doesn't get his cream all over them, right?

HE LAUGHS

Hey, sis, Charlie just sent me this hilarious

link to a Japanese game show.

It's just four guys in kaftans, punching an octopus.

Sounds fun. But I've got to go pack.

-Me and Annette are going on a road trip tomorrow!

-Really?

Yeah. Well, technically, it's a work conference.

But my plan to get close to her totally worked.

Today she took me for lunch and we spoke for like two hours

-and she told me, like, really personal stuff.

-Like what?

I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

-But she was crying, so it must have been important.

-That's great.

You and Annette are hitting it off, while me and Charlie are broing out.

-Actually, I've got to get going.

-Where are you off to?

I'm going to watch Charlie in his semifinal and then I'm having a drink with his team afterwards.

-You're meeting up with him again?!

-Yeah, of course. He's my best mate.

Dan, you only met him yesterday!

What if he finds out you don't really need a wheelchair?

I'll be careful, I promise.

Dan, I've got a sweet thing going here and I don't need you screwing it up.

I'm not going to screw anything up.

Dan, aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah, can I borrow some money?

Oh, fuck, the chair! Nice save.

Well played, guys!

We're into tomorrow's final. You should all be proud of yourselves!

Honestly, watching you guys zip around out there was amazing!

-All of you could hit the next Olympics.

-Well, Paralympics.

God, Darrell, you are so negative.

I reckon you should be captain, not depressing Darrell over there.

Oh, no.

Oh, before I forget, I've got something for you.

What is it?

My company are making a new video game and Keanu Reeves is playing

one of the characters - he plays a ninja surfer.

That's the beta version.

I have a question, Charlie.

What are you doing from now until one of us dies?

Because, as of this moment you are literally my best friend.

Ha, thanks buddy.

Maybe we should make it official? Have a sleepover, or something?

Not a sleepover, just you, me and a couple of sleeping bags.

Although, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't get much sleeping done.

Because we're watching films and stuff, not sex.

-Cheers, though.

-Cheers.

Look at all these name tags. Check it out, Annette, I'm Ranji Vyas.

Do I make you Ranji, baby?

That's my name tag.

Oh, sorry, Ranji. Great name.

So what have we got to look to forward today, then?

Er, let's see.

Oh. Two hours of Advances In Admin followed by Manageable Metrics.

And then...oh, a complimentary lunch of either salad or egg salad.

Wait, that can't be right?

No, I told you, these things are dire.

We could sneak off to the hotel bar and grab a quick drink.

It might make these lectures a bit more bearable.

I used to do it all the time at uni.

OK, just one.

But what happens at the conference, stays at the conferences.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Charlie! Charlie!

Hey, man. Glad you could make it.

Wouldn't miss it for anything.

Hey, I've got you a little something,

as a thank you for that video game.

Which, by the way, is awesome. Keanu smashes it, like he always does.

Oh.

It's a necklace.

It's a locket. Inside there's a picture of me and you.

I used Photoshop so we're both dressed as pharaohs.

Sorry I'm late.

That's all right, babe.

Dan, this is my girlfriend, Tess.

Hi.

Listen, I'd better go and warm up. Wish me luck, babe.

-Good luck.

-Good luck.

WHISTLE

Whoo-hoo! Charlie!

Whoo! Come on, Charlie!

Let's go, Charlie!

You got this, Charlie. Looking good. Over here! Whoo-hoo!

Come on, Tess, pick it up. Let's go, Charlie!

Charlie! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Two more signature cocktails for Yurki's favourite customers.

I tell you what, ladies, these two are on the house.

But sh, I only do that for the beautiful people.

Holy shit, I think Yurki's got a thing for you.

And by thing, I mean raging boner.

Come off it, Hannah.

I'm pretty sure he's just fishing for a bigger tip.

Besides, I'm off that sort of thing anyway.

-What sort of thing?

-Oh, men.

I mean, the most exciting thing in my life is

conferences like this, who am I going to meet? Bloody Ranji Vyas?

Oh, sorry, Ranji!

Listen, Annette, you are an amazing woman, OK?

You're super successful, you've raised a great kid

and your boobs are kicking gravity in the arse.

And I'm not just saying that because you're my boss, I mean it.

Well, thanks, Hannah.

It's OK. Unrelated, but could I have a day off next week?

I need to buy a new television.

Sure, we'll talk about it on Monday.

Now, what would you say to another drink?

I would say, "get in my mouth, you delicious drink!"

Yurki! Two more, my good man!

Why did they stop the game?

Pike's bust his wrist, and we've got no subs.

The ref says we're going to have to forfeit. We were so close.

Put me in.

Really? Have you ever played?

Only, like, every night in my dreams.

But no, never in real life.

Listen, Charlie, we can't just give up now,

not after we've come this far.

-You're sure?

-Trust me, I can do this.

OK, come on.

Hey, Charlie, don't worry! I'm getting the hang of this.

Charlie!

-Yurki! Yurki! Yurki!

-Yurki! Yurki! Yurki!

Two more free cocktails, please.

It's not possible, I'm afraid. My shift is over.

Aw! Boo, no!

But, perhaps we can carry on the party elsewhere?

Sweet! Our rooms are just upstairs.

I don't know, Hannah, maybe we should just call it a night.

Come on, you're always saying how you want more excitement in your life.

Well. "Knock, knock", "Who's there?",

"It's excitement! Let me in, Annette!"

It'll be like an afterparty!

I mean, it's only 8:45 but we have been drinking for six solid hours,

so it still counts.

Oh...all right!

Guys, we've got 15 seconds to go, and we're one point down.

It's now or never. Charlie, I want you pressing...

Sorry, can I say something?

Not long ago I was out on the Atlantic, clinging to a jet ski

with a beautiful model in one arm and a dying child

in the other, so I know a little something about adversity.

You want to know why we're losing out there?

You keep giving away the ball. And missing passes.

It's heart. They've got it, we don't.

Now, I've only been on this team for eight minutes,

but I've honestly never felt more a part of anything in my entire life.

I believe in all of you, especially my best friend, Charlie.

So I'm asking you. I'm begging you. Let's do this for friendship.

Let's do this for Charlie.

Don't touch the ball.

You don't touch the ball, Darrell.

Shoot it!

Come on!

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

Come to poppa.

CHEERING

Yes! We won!

Whoo!

Played, mate.

I don't know what was in those cocktails, Yurki,

but my pee is fluorescent now.

What did I miss?

Yurki was just telling me about his life back in Madeira. It's tragic.

Yes, my little brother, he is sick. He has lupus,

the wolf disease.

Every week I send money back to him for the treatment.

Our parents are gone, and I am all he has left.

Bummer.

Do you know, when I got pregnant,

my boyfriend did a runner the minute he found out.

It's been just me and Charlie on our own ever since then.

Your boyfriend is a fool.

Your eyes are like beautiful paintings...

of eyes.

OK, guys, I'm just going to slip away. Slip...oh.

BUZZER RINGS

Annette.

Hannah, just thought I'd pop by to give you this.

You left before I woke up.

Yeah, well, I just, erm, just wanted to get back home early and,

you know, make a start on some work.

And have several showers.

I just thought that maybe we need to talk about

what happened at the conference, between you and I and Yurki.

No, no, I don't think we need to talk about that.

It's just that I am your boss and if anyone were to find out about...

you know...I just think it may reflect poorly on me.

As the senior figure, in the office, who...

Wha... Dan?!

Annette! How's it going?

Oh, Charlie hasn't been replying to any of my IM's,

so if you see him could you tell him, Dan says,

"really sorry about the whole wheelchair thing."

He'll know what it means.

I would totally understand if you fired me, like, right now.

But it would be a shame for what happened at the conference

not stay at the conference.

You are so lucky we had that threesome.