Episode 3 Some Girls

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

# ..I really do try Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things That I could change

# If this is my life

(DISTORTED) # This is my life This is my life

# My, my, my, my... #

Why?!

Why would he fancy her and not me?

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

-I just don't know, Amber.

-I do.

Come on! Stop acting so pathetic!

You wanted to dump him, remember?

That was in another lifetime!

It was two weeks ago.

Haven't you heard of feminism?

Yeah, course I have.

So what is it, then?

It's in the olden days.

Is it something to do with Ginger Spice?

# This is my life This is my life

# This is my life. #

WHISTLE BLOWS

Did you see that?! On her bag?

She's got a teddy key ring just like the one Brandon gave me!

Oh, my God.

What the fuck have you kept that for anyways?

It's got my keys on it.

He must have a supply!

Forget Brandon.

Do you think he IS 100% definitely going out with Charlie?

Erm...

# I was only 17 when we were chasing sparks

# Followed your every move

# Unsure right from the start

-# I stumbled and I fell

-Straight into your arms... #

He was dry-humping her in the school library.

I think we can safely say they're going out with each other.

Why is she in there?

It don't make sense!

The worse he treats me, the more I love him!

Why don't we call today

End Of Brandon Day, and then you'll get closure?

She's not going to know what closure is, is she?!

I do!

It's the opposite of open, y'know?

OK.

We need to have a party.

Like, hold a special ceremony to say goodbye to Brandon.

With drink?

I don't want to say goodbye to Brandon.

Imagine Brandon's a big box of biscuits

that you've stuffed your face with,

but now you're full up

and you want to put the lid on before you eat any more.

So this party will help you put the lid on Brandon.

But will there be drink?

I think...if Brandon was a biscuit, he'd be a milk chocolate HobNob.

Cos I'm not coming if there ain't no drink.

You're coming to the End Of Brandon party, aren't you, Saz?

What's up?

The glitter from those stupid fucking pompoms getting in my eyes.

Wait for us to get changed! I've got money for chips!

I'm not in the mood.

Not in the mood for chips?

Can I have her share of chips?

As I'm upset.

Why does he treat me like this?

He's on a journey of discovery to find himself, Amber.

Plus Charlie's got giant boobs.

Hello, love.

Want a chip?

Bit cold, though.

Go on, pop one in my mouth.

-BEEPING

-Dad, your phone.

Ooh, number withheld.

Oh, my God, Dad, what is this?!

-Yes!

-You've got a weird text.

Who's that from?

Ah, it's probably Anna mucking about.

-It doesn't really sound like Anna.

-You don't realise what Anna's like.

You know, when we're alone, she's a very physical lady.

Ew!

-Very.

-Yeah, believe me, I've heard.

"Faster! Slower! Faster! Slower!"

She's like a bloody driving instructor.

Come on, come on, come on...yes!

He's heard it too.

BEEPING

She can't even spell "fire".

Oh, be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate!

Jamie, Dad's getting sent sex texts

-by some mental.

-What?

Oh, now you made me lose concentration!

Argh!

BEEPING

No! No! Get off that! Off, off!

BEEPING

What does that say?

-BOTH:

-Would love to see your hose!

DOOR CLOSES Well, maybe it's not Anna.

What?

BEEPING

-Aren't you going to look at your text?

-Yeah. Yeah.

Who's it from?

Well, it seem I have got an admirer. SNIGGERING

Let me see.

I've been getting... inappropriate texts...

OK, OK.

I thought it could have been you, at first.

"Would love to slide down your fireman's pole"?

-You thought

-I

-wrote that?

-Yeah!

No, of course not.

Do you think I'm retarded?

I realise now it wasn't from you.

Is this some mad woman you've met at work?

Oh, come on. The only women I meet at work are either on fire

or wrapped up in a blanket with their eyebrows singed off.

No-one's ever asked for my number at work, ever.

No. It's not all fires, though, is it?

What about that hot woman at the gym

who got a her foot stuck in the cross-trainer?

Didn't you spend three hours trying to hold her hand?

-Yeah, that's true.

-Shut up, Viva.

I was not holding her hand - I was cutting her out.

What about all them school visits? You know, all them sexy teachers?

LAUGHTER

I would never do that!

Rob, that's how you met me!

LAUGHTER

I done it, I done it! I got the key off the key ring!

That's it. Now chuck it away.

Chuck it away? How will I get in my house

-if I chuck my key away?

-The key ring.

The stupid teddy-bear key ring.

Keep the key and chuck the key ring away.

I knew you meant that, really.

I'm not an idiot.

I'll race you to the pool.

Stop changing the subject!

Anyways, we've got to get ready for the End Of Brandon party!

Will Brandon be at the End Of Brandon party?

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

I just think you're being violated, Rob, and I want it taken seriously.

OK. We'll involve the police.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, no! Marie's babysitter's cancelled!

Can't go out.

Well, I'll take you out, babe, if you want to go out.

I really wanted a night out with Marie.

We've been planning this for ages.

I really wanted to see her now she's got her life back on track.

-Jamie?

-Mmm?

Make Anna one of those smoothies she likes.

Me? Why should I?

Ha-ha.

-Hah.

-Shut up, man.

And you're baby-sitting at Marie's tonight.

No! Not tonight, I'm seeing my friends tonight, I can't tonight.

I am not baby-sitting!

I'm baby-sitting.

She doesn't normally wake up,

but you can always give me a call if there's a problem.

OK. Well, is it all right if I have my friends over,

just to keep me company?

I suppose that's OK, as long as they're girls.

Cos Jaden's got a bit of a funny thing about strange men.

It's more like a major obsession.

She thinks they're all going to kidnap her, doesn't she, Marie?

That's weird. Wonder why.

Probably because when she was three, she WAS kidnapped.

-What?

-And it was her dad, who she'd never met.

The bastard tried to take her to Saudi Arabia, didn't he, Marie?

They caught him at Gatwick,

but poor Jaden couldn't stop screaming for a week.

Permanently damaged her vocal cords, didn't she, Marie?

And now the poor kid's got these nodules.

Sounds like she smokes 40 a day.

And she's completely terrified

that another man's going to turn up and say he's her daddy -

completely bloody terrified, isn't she, Marie?

And then on top of all that, Marie went a bit looney tunes for a while!

Didn't you, babe?

You know, the little OCD phase.

But she's better now, she's just a total neat freak, so don't mess up.

I'm not sure I feel like going out.

Oh, come on, Maz, you look like you could do with cheering up!

-(DEEP VOICE)

-Bye-bye, Mummy.

Jesus, she's going to get the piss ripped out of her at school!

Bye-bye, Jaden!

Be good!

I'm scared.

Yeah, and me.

Come on, Jaden.

Back to bed.

Read you a story.

I like stories.

Yeah, they're gone now, Holli, you can come.

No, I did not check the cupboard for drinks!

Yeah, I know.

Thought you might not want to come cos you were so upset earlier.

Don't really want to talk about it.

OK.

It's that fucking bitch Charlie and her fucking horrible friends.

They were talking about me in the changing rooms.

I could hear them cos they were in the cubicle next to me.

I fucking hate her.

All right, all right. Calm down, there's a four-year-old next door.

They were laughing about me.

Calling me hairy.

Hairy?

Really? Cos...I've never noticed.

In my mum and dad's religion,

we're not supposed to cut our hair or shave.

What, ever? That's a bit harsh.

That's what I said to my dad!

Just goes in one ear and out the other. He just won't listen.

Yeah, well, maybe he can't hear - that turban is fucking enormous!

CLEARS THROAT

Seriously, though, Saz, you're not that hairy.

You really don't think so?

No, it's just...

Charlie's a bitch. It's just a bit of fluff.

So it's not noticeable?

Well, I wouldn't exactly say not noticeable...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Don't break anything. Bitchcock's friend is mental,

and I don't want to mess anything up.

Look what we got!

Amber got some as well.

-Lemon and ginger cordial?

-Pomegranate juice?

Fuck's sake, man.

You said grab two bottles!

And I got this.

It's a pricing gun.

Freeze!

Is this stuff stolen?

Oh, no. She got it with her gold credit card, didn't you, Hols?

So did you get all your stuff for the End Of Brandon party?

Which bottle are you going to open? I really want a drink.

Ip-dip-doo, doggie did a poo...

I'll get the glasses.

..chicken did a number one, out goes you.

Saz is proper upset

cos she heard Charlie and her mates bitching about her,

calling her hairy.

That's horrible.

Horrible.

She is really fucking hairy, though.

How can Brandon fancy someone as horrible as Charlie?

-Boobs?

-Boobs.

Oh, yeah.

Her boobs were never that big before.

She's had a boob job, and I'm not even joking.

They are quite big.

I'm going to have a boob job.

Whatever size she is, I'm going to go two up.

GLASSES CLINK

# I got this feeling on the summer day

# When you were gone

# I crashed my car into the bridge I watched, I let it burn

# I threw your... #

MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY

I think I might mix a bit of juice in with this.

-Make a cocktail.

-Yeah. I'll have that as well.

Oh, it's jokes at mine tonight.

Someone's been sending my dad really rude texts.

-Number withheld.

-That's disgusting!

Your dad's well old!

Yeah, Bitchcock went completely mental,

like, her nostrils puffed up like sea creatures about to give birth.

We should send him a few more texts, see if we can tip her over the edge.

Get her to have a breakdown and leave our school a dribbling wreck.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

No, no, it's not - I'd have to live with that dribbling wreck.

Oh, come on, it'd be funny. What's his number?

No, Saz!

Tonight's about Amber.

# I threw your shit into a bag And pushed it down the stairs

# I crashed my car into the bridge I don't care

# I love it... #

Right, I think I'm ready.

# I don't care... #

To say goodbye to Brandon.

# I don't care I love it... #

-She's going to cry.

-How do you know?

Cos that's her basic reaction to anything.

She cries when her pen runs out.

Why are you looking so sad?

This is a happy thing - you're moving on, remember?

Closure.

I know, but I miss him.

I miss our cosy evenings in, me holding his beer

while he played Call Of Duty for three hours.

But he treated you like some sort of doormat sex slave.

-I know!

-Forget him.

Some day, you're going to find someone really lovely

who realises just how special you are.

SHE LAUGHS

So, let's go.

First up.

A Haribo heart what Brandon gave me in Year 10.

It's sort of symbolic.

-Of what?

-Of him giving me his heart.

Now I'm throwing it away. Again, symbolic.

This is too complex for me.

-Shut up, Saz.

-And now we all drink.

What's next?

The lumps of chewing gum what Brandon took out of his mouth

and stuck under the bed when we was snogging.

-You kept his old chewing gum?

-It's got his DNA on.

Oh, what's this, a love letter? I've got to see this.

What the fuck?!

They're pubes I collected off the bed.

Extra-big drink for the pubes.

What the hell have you kept all this stuff for?! It's proper disgusting!

Should be incinerated.

Anything else? Amber.

The gold hoops what Brandon got me from Primark

that makes my ears go all green and pussy.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

SHE CRIES

I'm fine.

And finally...

MUSIC SWELLS

My pen's run out!

SHE WAILS

-To the end of Brandon!

-ALL: The end of Brandon!

I still really hate Charlie, though.

Yeah, me too. Someone should bang her in the face.

It's not only what she's done to you, it's what she's done to Saz.

What do you mean?

Calling you hairy and that!

Why did you tell them?!

I don't want everyone knowing I'm hairy!

Everybody knows.

Come on, it's obvious. Look at your arms!

I don't think many people have noticed.

No, they have.

Cos behind your back, everyone calls you names.

Not us, of course!

What names? Amber?

Oh, my God, there are so many.

Just give me an idea.

Well...tarantula, monkey, yak, woolly mammoth, yeti.

-Rasputin.

-Yeah, Rasputin, Rasta-legs,

cave-woman, werewolf, bison.

-Buffalo?

-Bison.

-Rainforest!

-Yeah, rainforest!

Er, Ugg-legs, super furry animal creature, Moshi Monster, troll.

-Shag pile!

-Shag pile. And...

muff-legs.

But see me?

I'm different. I like to shave every day.

But that's just me.

I can't go on with my life another day being this hairy.

I've got to shave!

Right now!

-(DEEP VOICE)

-Viva!

What was that?

It's the little girl I'm looking after. She's got nodules.

It's a long story.

-You want me to help you shave?

-Trust you...with a blade?

Where are you going?

I'm going to look in her bathroom, see if she's got any razors.

Want me to check the shed for a lawnmower?

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, it was just a dream, that's all.

..bloody hell...

..bloody lawnmower...

And that's just Saz going to the loo.

Being a big mental.

Do you want me to read you a furry story?

Hairy story?

Fairy story?

Aw, no, don't worry, there's no strangers.

It's just us, OK?

Oh, my God, can you smell smoke?!

JADEN SCREAMS

VIVA WAILS

Aww.

I forgot to chuck my little teddy key ring.

Thought I'd give him a proper send-off. His eyes are melting now!

-Amber, this stinks!

-I'm going to send this

to Brandon. Should I send it to everyone in my contact list?

OK, tidy up time now, Amber.

Holli, who are you texting?

I'm not texting.

Just...cleaning my phone.

You WERE texting. Let me see.

I knew it was you!

It's not...! What?

Texting my dad!

Oh. That. Yeah.

I was just doing what Saz said.

Remember she said to send more texts to your dad for a joke.

To wind up Bitchcock.

-So this was just a joke?

-Mm-hm.

"Wish I was riding your big red engine."

-Mm-hm.

-Stop stalking my dad!

All right, I'll stop. Promise.

Look, I know you have weird issues cos your dad's not around.

But he's an elderly man of 45, Holli. It's disgusting!

-VIVA:

-'Often I think to myself that Bitchcock is about the worst stepmum

'I could possibly have.'

CLEARS THROAT

'But then I realise she's not.'

Viva, get on with your homework.

'I could have Holli!'

"For guaranteed smooth-as-silk legs every time."

It's one of them epi-things!

My sister's got one.

It rips the hair out by the roots and it really hurts.

Probably not that bad.

It IS bad!

It's agony!

My sister was screaming, "Get Mum!

"Get Mum! I'm going to die!"

And afterwards, there was blood pouring from the leg,

and it got all infected.

Right. Saz, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

And plus, I think you might need something a bit more...industrial.

I don't care if it hurts. I'm tough.

And if I don't do this now, I might never feel brave enough again.

And I want you three with me.

Oh, that's sweet.

Come on, then. I'll plug it in.

OK.

Done it.

Fuck's sake!

You're like a panther!

OK!

Here we go.

Aaaaargh!

BANG THEN SCREAMING

Shut up, Amber.

-Jaden's next door.

-It weren't me.

It's probably just a fuse.

What are we going to do?

-Shall I ring Brandon?

-No.

I'll find the fuse box and I'll flip it back on.

I've done it for my nan loads of times.

Who's got the drink?

Amber, pass it.

'Why is it I always have to be the responsible one

'while my mates sit around getting pissed?'

CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC AND CHATTER

-You dropped a glass!

-Oh, my God!

Shut up! I'm in so much trouble cos of you lot!

Ssh, Viva! Don't wake Jaden!

Amber, bucket of water.

Two buckets if possible. Holli, get the cleaning rags.

Saz, put the epilator away.

MUSIC: "Hello" by Martin Solveig ft Dragonette

Oh, I love this one!

Come on, Hols, I'll teach you some moves.

-What about the cleaning?

-Are you lot not going to help me?

SMASHING

I cannot do this on my own!

Don't worry!

I'll help you!

-Really?

-Yeah!

# Hello Oh-oh-oh oh

# Oh, it's all right I'm getting busy

# Just enjoy the party

# It's OK with me

# If you don't have that much to say, hey

# Kinda like this game

# But there's something you should know

# I just came to say hello... #

I feel a bit sick...I think.

You're not going to be sick. It's just the panic, babe,

I promise, you'll be fine. Do not be sick!

RETCHING

When other people are sick, it makes me be sick.

Made it.

-Where's the toilet?

-First door on...

Hang on, where did you just puke, then?

Where's Holli?

Look what I found!

SAZ SCREAMS

AMBER LAUGHS

No, this is not happening.

Oh, yes. It's happening.

Put it back!

That thing has been up a stranger's vagina.

Or even...the other place.

How can you even touch it?

She's got a right treasure trove in there.

She must be well dirty.

Boing! Boing!

Boing!

Put the dildo away, Holli, and this is the most important part...

wash your hands!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, that'll be Brandon! I rang him when the lights went out.

We've just had an End Of Brandon party!

Hey, baby.

-Hi, Brandon.

-Get rid of him.

You can't come in.

There's a pile of pink sick on the doorstep.

Oh, I know. Saz done it.

You girls having a party? Should I bring the crew round?

No! Your guys can't come here!

Oh, my God, you're treading sick into the carpet.

Oh, man, these trainers are new!

That stain better come out.

And what's in that, anyway?

This is why you girls shouldn't drink.

Can't handle your liquor.

If girls didn't drink, you'd still be a virgin.

Ooh, cuss.

Did I just see...?

What's going on here, man?

This seems like a party I did not want to miss.

Sorry, V.

I need to get going. My dad rang up.

Don't worry about the cleaning. You're doing a great job.

Can we meet later in the week to finish shaving you?

You've been shaving each other?

Just get rid of him!

What the fuck?

I'm sorry!

I got upset when I saw you gave Charlie

the same teddy as you gave me!

Wait, wait, what?

That's not what happened - I didn't even give Charlie a teddy!

That teddy was special for you.

But Charlie's got the same one.

You ever heard of something called a coincidence?

Cos that's what we're dealing with here.

A coincidence?

Like how I like ribs and how you like ribs?

Yeah.

Look...are we straight? Cos I don't really like

the way you've been slandering my name around

for double-dealing teddies, when that's not even what happened.

I'm sorry, Brandon.

I didn't realise Charlie's boobs were so enormous!

I can't believe I never noticed before, and when I saw them,

I felt this jealousy stabbing me in the guts!

And in my boobs.

True, she does have pretty hefty ones right now.

Right now?

Has she had a boob job?

Look, I'm going to be straight with you.

Charlie's going to be a mama,

and that's what's occurring with her boobs.

They're filling up with milk for the baby.

I know it's complicated, but she's saying,

and I'm not necessarily saying that I agree with this,

but she's saying that I'm the daddy.

What?

I'm the daddy?

Me?

I'm the daddy.

SCREECHING

Get out! Just get out! Out! Out!

And you too, out.

CHATTING AND KEYS JANGLING

LAUGHTER

Hiya!

How was everything?

-Any problems?

-No! No problems.

Jaden was OK, then?

Yeah, well, she woke once or twice

cos she had a nightmare about her dad.

Yeah, obviously she thought it was very real,

but it wasn't real, obviously.

Cos it's a nightmare.

Oh, no.

But she's fine now?

Yeah, think so.

(WHIMPERS) Normally I put...like this.

And cushions must be in groups of three.

And you've been burning my candles different lengths - that's not good.

And you have mixed up my fruit!

And what has happened to my woodland creatures?!

There should be three owls pointing to three squirrels

with three deer playing behind the room-freshener device!

I'm sure there's no real damage done, Mazza.

We just did homework, really.

Thanks, Viva.

Good job. We should go home.

-DOOR OPENS

-Oh, fuck, that was funny!

What? What happened?

Viva and her friends got out Marie's strap-on.

It was lying under a cushion, and Marie sat on it. Her face!

Marie's got a strap-on? Why?

Oh, you're sweet.

That was the funniest thing I've seen

since my sister's fiance dumped her at their engagement party.

Anna doesn't get on with her sister.

Oh, poor Marie, she was so pissed.

She kicked off the evening with three cocktails,

followed by three wines,

and then three whiskies...

And three strap-ons and then three...

Shut up, Dad!

You're embarrassing yourself.

Mm.

So have you had any more of those pervy texts?

No. Nothing.

So you're not going to call the police about it, then?

I think it's over.

'Knowing Holli, I doubt very much that it's over.'

Who are you texting?

No-one.

PHONE BEEPS

I can't wait for this.

Just get on with it.

ALL: Three...

two...one...

SAZ SCREAMS

Does it hurt?

No! I'm screaming for something to do(!)

Want me to do your tache?

You cheeky bitch.

OK. Do my tache.

# People keep sayin' I'm doin' it wrong... #

SAZ SCREAMS

# ..But I say it feels all right

# I really do try Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things That I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# If this is my life

# This is my life This is my life

# People keep sayin' That I'm doin' it wrong

# It's gonna be fine

# People keep sayin' That I'm doin' it wrong

# People keep sayin' That I'm doin' it wrong

# It's gonna be fine

# People keep saying... #