Episode 4 Some Girls

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

# I really do try, really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

# Then maybe it's all right

# This is my life, this is my life

# This is my life... #

No, when you break an arm, there's a noise, like a snap or a crunch.

I didn't hear no snap or crunch.

All I could hear was her screaming.

Acting! I'm telling you, her arm wasn't broken.

That paramedic said it was.

I could hear her screaming over the noise of the ambulance siren...

I think I can still hear her screaming now.

Accept it. You broke her arm.

I'll accept it when I see the X-ray.

Anyway, what's everyone fucking complaining about?

We won, didn't we?

Oi, chuck us the ball back...

if you can get it that far.

Hush your gums, fatboy.

We just won our match 6-0.

Aw, sweet! They won their little girly match.

I can see it now -

"Ooh, ooh, help! There's a ball coming towards me. I better duck

-"in case it messes up my hair."

-Shut up, Jordan!

Holli, just give 'em their ball back and let's go.

Not till that dick apologises for disrespecting our team.

Your team?

You mean your club for annoying lesbians who can't get boyfriends?

(BOYS SNIGGER) If we was lesbians,

-why would we want to get boyfriends?

-Let's go.

Under FA regs, we wouldn't even be allowed to play,

cos we're so much stronger than you

that we might accidentally kill you!

I'd give 'em a match.

Check out their skills.

They look pretty fit to me.

Fine! Let's set up a match -

-- our team against your team.

-No, Holli, that's a bad idea.

Thursday, after school?

-Yeah! Yeah, if you like, whenever.

-Come on!

-Hey, Badges!

-He means you.

You can make it the middle of the night if you want,

cos we can beat you in our sleep,

and I ain't even joking.

You want to get yourself a bit of personal coaching,

find out more about the offside rule?

No, thanks. I won't be needing any personal drilling sessions from you.

-We're talking football, yeah?

-Yeah!

Right, cos I thought you was trying to hit on me there.

In your dreams!

-VIVA:

-Let's be totally clear.

Someone like him and someone like me is never gonna happen...

which is kind of a shame!

We could even beat you if we was dead!

So, I told the rest of the girls,

but I don't know what's the matter with them.

-It's like they think we can't win.

-We can't win.

Only in our heads.

No, in our bodies, all over, everywhere, we can't win. They're better.

It's cos of people like you there's never been a woman Prime Minister!

-Actually, Holli...

-Or a woman astronaut!

Negativity is what's gonna beat us! Where's my chips?

-Where's your chips?

-I didn't want none.

I ate loads at pizza club.

Pizza club - that's a new one.

I know, I just discovered it by accident.

It's on at lunchtimes.

It is amazing in there! It's like heaven.

-Is it free?

-Yeah. I was walking past room D

and this nice girl come out in the corridor and said, "Do you like pizza?"

And I was like, "Duh! Obviously!"

And she said, "Come on in, then."

Were you asleep when this happened, Amber?

No, it was real.

There must be a catch.

No, they're just nice people who want you to try lots of different toppings.

Like olives. I used to be scared of olives.

I thought they were lizard eggs that would hatch in my mouth but get this, right,

apparently they come from a tree!

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

DOOR CLOSES

LAUGHS I'm so going to be there on Thursday

to watch you losers get destroyed.

What? Who told you?

It's out there. Twitter. Facebook.

Everybody knows.

Thursday. 4pm at the rec. Tampax United versus The Men.

-It wasn't my idea. It was Holli's...

-Tai's asked me to hide your sports bra

so he can watch your boobs bounce up and down.

But I won't, obviously. That's just wrong, man.

You better not be texting your mates about my boobs,

especially if you don't want it spread round the whole school

that you...bum cats.

Bum cats? What?

Christ, Viva, what made you think you could compete against the boys' team?

Look, it was not my idea!

You lot are fine for girls,

but compared to the boys, you're shit. I mean, they could beat you

with half a team, and a baby squid in goal.

Yeah, well, you're our coach so if we're that shit, maybe it's your fault.

No, I don't think it's my fault that you're shit.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Yeah. Hi, Dad.

Yeah... Yeah, we are but...

It wasn't my idea!

I'm proper sick of everyone, including your girlfriend, putting me down!

I'll be the ref if you like.

Sorry, Dad, there's a noise in my ear.

-Dad! She said that I bum cats.

-You know what?

I'm gonna ask Mr Philips for help,

because Mr Philips trains the boys' team so Mr Philips must be a proper coach...

unlike you!

I like to treat myself to a big old storm out now and then.

I feel I owe it to myself as a teenager.

Et voila!

So many toppings.

Dough balls...

-It's like heaven.

-There must be a catch.

Amber! Hi!

I've brought my friends.

-John said I could.

-Yeah. Cool. Come on in, guys.

I'm Jenny. Please, um... Yeah, help yourself to....

You do realise this isn't a pizza club?

What is it, then?

There are a few clues, Amber.

SLOW GUITAR MUSIC

That song's a bit of a giveaway.

# Jesus wasn't stuck-up

# Till he was stuck up on the Cross

# Jesus, you're my leader

# Jesus, you're the boss... #

They use the pizza as bait to get you in here.

It isn't...the paedos, is it?

It's the Christians.

Oh, yeah. I always get them two muddled up.

What's them others I get confused?

Osama, Obama, the Dalai Lama.

Which one is the American President?

Come on, Amber, we've been through this before.

I know but I'm upset. You can't expect me to remember world politics.

Since Brandon got Charlie pregnant that's all I can think about.

-It takes up my entire brain.

-Yeah, I can believe that.

Have they tried to talk to you about religion?

No, never... There is this one bit at the end

where they all stand up and say sad random stuff,

about how they feel lost and alone,

but that's normally when I start looking for the hot chocolate.

Oh, my God.

There's hot chocolate? I'm staying for that.

Badges! What's up?

SAZ: Mm-hm.

You're a Christian?

Yeah, big time.

-I didn't realise.

-Church of St Pizza.

So, you ready for Thursday? Football?

You didn't take all that shit seriously?

You can't get out of it now.

-You challenged us.

-Yeah, well...

Not me.

So, what's your name?

Viva.

Rocky.

Is that your real name?

-Nah, it's cos I'm a fighter, innit?

-Oh, you're that Rocky!

There's a rumour going around

that you killed that one-armed guy from the kebab shop.

Yeah, yeah, that was me. I didn't actually kill him.

I just hurt him quite bad with some chilli sauce.

So you've got anger management issues?

Nah, just kebab issues. You want some dough balls?

Oi, Viva! Check it.

I'm Jesus.

So, when you hurt that one-armed kebab guy,

was it because you were experiencing some kind of uncontrollable rage?

No, not really.

I was just insanely drunk.

But I'm, like, a good boy now.

I channel all my aggression into my football.

Yeah? Me too.

Listen, do you want to come to a party tonight?

It's just gonna be me, my boys, some select people.

We're keeping it on the down low.

My dad's really funny about me going out on a school night.

-There's nothing to be scared of. You can bring your crew.

-Who?

Oh, my crew? Yeah. Sure.

-Give me your number.

-OK.

That greedy bitch stuffed all the ham and pineapple.

Hope you ain't trying to back out of the match.

-No, I can't hardly wait.

-HOLLI: Yeah?

I wouldn't get too excited, cos we're going to smash you to a pulp.

We're basically going to make you into a boy smoothie,

-and I ain't even joking.

-Shut up, Holli!

Later.

What is wrong with you, Holli?

The girls' team can't win.

OK, OK, but give me one good reason why not.

Because of basic human anatomy.

Why are there different events at the Olympics for men and women?

Cos there's a conspiracy to keep the sisters down.

We're going to be massively humiliated.

Viva, Mrs Pankhurst is watching you from her grave

and she is very fucking disappointed with your attitude!

Rocky's clearly a really screwed-up guy with some mental-health problems.

In a fucked up sort of way, that makes him extra hot.

-SAZ:

-Do you like him?

-He's...interesting.

-You do like him.

-You shagged him yet?

Yes. On top of the pizza table while they were singing that song about Jesus(!)

No. I mean, people sometimes find a way at school.

There are places no-one goes - cupboards, back of the library,

the quiet study area - where shagging can be done.

I've heard.

No, I haven't shagged him...yet.

And I've met a boy who really likes me.

Yeah, if you don't start sexing up some boy soon,

you're gonna get a bad reputation.

Yeah, boys will think you're a fridge.

Do I mean "fridge"?

I said I've met a boy who really likes me.

You mean frigid. And I don't think anyone thinks I'm frigid.

Oh, yeah. Brandon does. He thinks you're well frigid.

Hello! Can anyone hear me?

I said I've met a boy who really likes me.

Yeah, me!

A boy likes me.

-A really hot boy likes me.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-You shagged him?

-No.

-So, who is he?

Is he that boy from geography, can fit a whole orange in his mouth?

No. Why would it be him?

I don't know. I thought it might be.

I tried to do that thing with an orange once,

but it got stuck and I couldn't breathe and I thought I was going to die,

and the guy from behind the meat counter had to get it out with his pen.

So, tell us all the details. Name, age...

Size of his apparatus.

His name's Jackson. He doesn't come from round here, though.

-I met him through my cousin.

-Bring him to the party.

Yeah, bring him.

Yeah, bring him. I never thought you'd have a boyfriend.

We thought you was gay.

-No, we didn't.

-Yeah, we did.

-No, we didn't.

-So, are you going to bring him?

Yeah, we'd like to meet him.

You thought I was gay?

-No. Course not.

-No. Course not.

No. No! We definitely didn't think you was gay!

Well, he won't be able to come, anyway. He has to help his brother.

-He's got a brother?

-Yeah.

You shagged him?

Let's all get ready at my house tonight.

ALL LAUGH

So, you think she should?

-And you think she shouldn't?

-Yep.

So it's all down to me?

I've got the deciding vote, like Simon Cowell?

Erm, I think I can decide for myself if I want to shag Rocky or not.

I bet you want to.

-Bits of me are very keen.

-(ALL GIGGLE)

We look like four skanky Barbies.

Or a dodgy girl group aimed at six-year-olds.

I just love pink!

I'm not really sure about this top, Amber.

Oh, don't worry. You'll be fine.

Last time I wore that, I had the best sex of my life.

ALL SCREAM

MUSIC: "Love Me" by Stooshe

# Oh, oh, oh, turn it up and I'll go

# Cos I won't need you no more, no

# Whoa-oa-oa

# Your place, fine But I ain't got the time

# Why don't you hurry up?

# Yeah, hurry up, ,yeah hurry up

# Love me... #

Obviously there was nothing else I could do after he said that.

No-one talks about my mum, innit? So I hit him.

This was your dad?

Lucky for him... that I only hurt him a little bit.

He can still walk, you know what I mean?

I don't know why you keep boasting about hurting people.

It's like you're trying to impress me.

Ooh, right, I get it, you're a good girl.

-No.

-Yes, you are.

I bet you ain't never done nothing naughty your whole life.

You don't know me.

I've done loads of mad psycho stuff.

MUSIC: "Rude Boy" by Rihanna

# Come here, rude boy, boy

# Can you get it up? Come here, rude boy, boy

-# Is you big enough...?

-If you're so crazy bad, yeah,

how come you ain't never popped up on my radar with your mad shit?

I dunno, bruv.

Maybe your radar's busted, innit?

Or maybe it's tuned at a less mad level than I'm at.

You know...I'm getting a stupendously massive hard-on looking at your eyes.

My eyes? So not my tits, then?

Yeah, your eyes.

I'm romantic, but don't worry,

your tits are not hurting the situation.

Ah, great,

cos my tits are getting a hard-on just looking at your eyes, as well.

-SNIGGERS

-What?

What?!

# ...Na na na na-a-ah

# Come here, rude boy, boy Can you get it up?

# Come here, rude boy, boy Is you big enough?

# Take it, take it, baby, baby Take it... #

-That was hot.

-Yeah!

I don't think you're head girl material after all.

No way, man. Fuck that shit.

You wanna go somewhere more private?

Definitely. That's what I'm talking about!

Me and him are going upstairs to bang each other's tits off.

Does he know you've only done it once?

Ssh!

# ...Relax, let me do it how I wanna

# If you got it, I need it and I'ma put it down... #

I can hear a sort of rhythmic thumping.

I think it must be Viva's head banging against the headboard.

They're really going at it.

DEEP THUMPING

Yeah! He is proper doing her.

That's the bass from the music.

Oh! Now I can hear laughing.

Maybe he can't get hard, and she's taking the piss.

That's what I'd do if a boy can't get hard.

I think he just said she looks gorgeous.

I think he really likes her.

Jackson thinks I'm gorgeous. See the bracelet he got me?

£26 from Argos.

Did he really(?)

Brandon got me a diamond bracelet once. £12.99 from Asda.

I don't think it was real diamonds.

And you've got your ASBO bracelet, haven't you, Holls?

Joking!

I'm going to go back to the drinks. Text me if you hear any humping.

Wait.

Do you want me to give you a lap dance?

Y-Y-Yeah. Why not?

-You all right?

-Oh, God, what am I doing?

What's up?

I'm not really mad and psycho.

I'm a good girl.

Motivated at school - check. Want to go to uni - check.

I'm not a neek, or nothing.

So...you're not gonna bang my tits off?

No.

So, what's with the big acts?

Pretending to be psycho-slut?

I dunno. It's just...you know when people judge you and they put you in a box

and then they say that you're something, and you're not? I hate that.

Yeah, me too.

Sometimes, people think I'm thick cos I didn't pass any exams,

and that I'm violent

just cos I hit lots of people.

That's annoying.

Must be.

So do you mind if...

..not doing it?

Mind?!

There's no challenge if a girl gives it up the first time I try.

So, if I had done it, you'd think I was a slag?

It would've been nice, but yeah.

But you didn't, so you're not a slag.

That is wrong. Boys shouldn't think about girls like that.

I'm going back to my mates.

Aw, this isn't gonna end here!

-No way. This is a destiny thing.

-DOOR SLAMS

SIGHS

-A destiny thing.

-Destiny thing.

What the fuck is that?

He's basically saying that me and him are, like, written in the stars.

I used to think me and Brandon were fated to be together,

but now I'm not so sure. It's like in Eminem's song -

"that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano".

What, you and him? A tornado and a volcano?

Which one are you?

Oh...my...God...

Oh, my God! Shit!

The boys' football team are, like, amazingly good at football.

-Why did you let me challenge them to a football match?

-What?!

They're incredible. Look at their skills. We've got to cancel.

Well, we can't cancel now. We'll just look like idiots.

That's right. Amber?!

I think I'm the tornado.

And Brandon's the volcano.

I'm starved. Pizza club?

No, it does my head in when they sing.

Could you get me a slice of ham and pineapple, Amber?

Yeah, you'd better write this down. I'll have a margherita.

Peperami for me.

You're not writing it down.

I don't think I should.

I don't think God would like me to steal.

-She's been brainwashed!

-No.

I've just decided to walk with Christ.

Three pizzas and you're a Christian?

Yeah! And I'm supposed to talk to all my friends about the Bible,

-make you lot Christians too.

-What, us?

Yeah. So, you don't want to talk about the Bible with me?

No, thanks.

Good, because all the non-Christians who just come for the pizza

are just getting too much of the food.

Where's Jackson? Is he coming to support you?

No, Jackson couldn't come.

-Is that because he's made-up?

-Excuse me!

Hey, chunks! Come 'ere!

Holli says that Rocky's been banging a load of slags,

and Saz says he's dumb,

but I bet she wouldn't say that if she talked to him.

I mean, why do people say these things? I'm well confused.

Amber, are you even listening?

Yeah, of course I am.

You said Rocky's dumb and likes slags.

No, I said... Oh, never mind.

Any tips for us, miss?

I'm the ref, Holli. I'm impartial.

Yeah, but you're on our side, really, aren't you?

You want a tip?

You know how we normally play 2-2-2?

Forget that. Just put everyone in defence.

And don't underestimate the keeper.

I know he's got bigger boobs than most of us, but he can save anything.

He probably won't need to.

No, I'd say your only chance is to get their team sent off.

OK, this is it. Team hug.

-AMBER:

-I just want you all to know that I went to church yesterday

and I spoke to the vicar, and he said he would pray for us.

-So, we should be OK.

-WHISTLE

-ANNA:

-Come on, ladies! They're waiting for you.

-Good luck, girls.

-WHISTLE

WHISTLE

Next time, Holli, just keep your mouth shut!

I can't understand it.

The vicar must've lied when he said he'd pray for us.

Well, I can hold my head up. I scored!

PHONE BEEPS

I just think it was really sweet of Rocky to help me score.

I mean, I know it was to get into my pants.

I didn't want you to lose to zero, innit?

I wanted to see you smile.

What's your real name?

Romario.

He was some footballing legend back in the day.

-Whoa, Romario! You're getting naked.

-Enjoy!

What's all this bling, anyway?

Well, that's anti-bullying council,

citizenship champion, peer mentor,

peer listener, and that's just something I got free from a box of cornflakes.

Right...

You've got so many scars. What's that one?

Um...hit by lightning

For real?

And that one?

Gunshot wound - pretty standard.

Shark bite - that's a long story.

Really(!) What are they all?

My dad was not a good guy.

Your dad did these?

Oh, my God.

No! Not really!

Your face!

I don't really like talking about it, cos the truth's kind of embarrassing.

Basically, when I was younger, I was...

I was savaged by my nan's cat.

A cat did these?!

It was a massive fucking cat, yeah!

It was more like a puma.

I could have taken it out, but it was my nan's only friend, so...

I really believed you about your dad.

I'm a good liar.

If I'd kept on with the lie about my dad, I could've got you to do it with me.

I mean, proper do it,

but I respect you too much.

Don't respect me too much.

-GASPS

-What's wrong?

I can't hold my breath that long.

How do you do it?

You don't have to hold your breath.

You can just breathe through your nose, you know?

You ain't never kissed no-one before?

Yeah, course I have.

You OK, yeah? Do we need an ambulance(?)

No, I'm fine. Just got to go home.

Yeah, cos you're scared you can't hold out against the power of this.

A girl's gotta say no at least twice,

especially with a guy like Rocky.

DOOR CLOSES

But I really, really like him.

HORN BLARES

So, you ain't shagged him?

I bet he's good at it.

How can you tell?

He just looks like he would be really...ooh!

We're taking our time, not rushing into anything

but, you know, obviously, I'm going to shag him.

I'll have him when you've finished.

And what about Jackson? You shagged him?

No, it's not like that with Jackson.

Yeah, it must be really hard to shag an invisible man.

-Shut up.

-Finding his invisible penis.

-Giving him an invisible blow job.

-He's real!

Let's all meet later at pizza club, yeah?

What, so you can see Rocky again?

So you can shag him?

# Jesus was a cool guy

# Jesus had a plan

# To make us love each other

# Jesus, you're the man

# If you ask me who the daddy... #

The truth about me and Jackson...

is, like, it wasn't right for me, and I dumped him.

You made him up. Admit it.

Cos you was jealous of Viva having a boyfriend.

This is all actually quite hurtful.

You're supposed to be my friends.

Amber...

the group thinks it's time we heard from you.

You've been coming for a while now,

and we'd love to hear about your journey to God.

What, now?

Yeah!

Come up to the mic.

Hi, everyone.

Um...

Jenny asked me to say a bit about my...um, journey to God.

I think it all started when I took my first bite of chicken tikka pizza.

I was, like, "Oh, my God, this tastes amazing!"

Like almost holy.

I mean, who would have thought of mixing Italian food and Indian food?

That is just proper genius. At first, when I come in here, I was, like,

-seeing all these Ts and I thought...

-What are you doing here?

-I needed to see you.

-Why?!

You got my text, dumping you, right?

Mum's really angry.

She wants the bracelet back.

I'm not scared of your mum. Just piss off!

Do you want to come round some time and get your pink hoodie?

You can keep it. It'll suit you.

...and then I realised no, it weren't,

-it was a cross.

-There you go -

he exists, just like I said.

You said he was...

BOTH: ...a really hot boy.

-Is he still in primary school?

-He's 16!

He's quite cute, though. Like a little dolly.

Oh, my God! You didn't shag him, did you?

...the only thing I would suggest

is that you're a little less tight on the mozzarella.

I mean, come on, guys. Pizza needs cheese, that's just the way it is.

Amber...um, just a little reminder -

we are Christians.

We're not just about pizza.

But that's why people come...obviously.

To the pizza club!

It's... It's not a pizza club.

Well, it's a club and there's pizza.

Yeah, but it's not a pizza club.

Well, it is.

It's not a bloody pizza club, all right?!

But that is why people come.

Do you want me to sing now?

No. No. Thank you, Amber.

But I can rap all of Pass Out by Tinie Tempah.

Amber, that's fine!

I'll now continue talking about my journey.

Oi, Saz.

Hey!

Most people think that God is a man with a big white beard,

a bit like Father Christmas but in a nightie.

-Come here!

-Argh!

Get off! Ooh!

Does he have a beard? Does he shave his beard?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...

What does he shave his beard with? With a Gillette Mach 3?

Your mum just nearly scalped me.

She just wants the bracelet back.

SIGHS

OK... Have your stupid bracelet back.

You are beautiful...

on the outside.

You just don't have that inner beauty that I'm looking for in a woman.

He's got a point.

Yep!

I've tried to tell my friends that religion can help you

if you have a problem, like my friend Viva.

Viva likes a boy called Rocky,

but Rocky's a dumb idiot who's always in trouble

and only likes slags. So, I tried to advise her but she wasn't...

Shut up!

Amen.

I didn't say that. She's got all my words mixed up.

Whatever order you say them, those are harsh words.

-Look, I'll see you around, yeah.

-Rocky?

I'm too dumb for you.

I'll stick to girls who are dumb... like me!

Oh, my God. Thank you, Amber(!)

What? What did I do?

Hot chocolate?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

There's some good stuff in this book.

It's well violent!

# People keep sayin' that I'm doin' it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# If this is my life

-# This is my life, this is my life

-# People keep sayin'

-# That I'm doin' it wrong

-# It's gonna be fine

# People keep sayin' That I'm doin' it wrong

# People keep sayin'

-# That I'm doin' it wrong

-# It's gonna be fine... #