Episode 5 Some Girls

# People keep sayin' I'm doin' it wrong

# But I say it feels all right I really do try, really do try

# Really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

-# But maybe it's all right... #

-This programme contains strong language

# ..This is my life This is my life, this is my life... #

BURPS

Ah, good to get that bad boy out.

How did you learn to burp so loud?

Dunno. I'm just a natural.

-It is amazing.

-It's burping, Amber.

She hasn't saved tigers from extinction or donated her kidneys to lepers.

It's Brandon! He's here.

-SAZ:

-Yeah, he does go to this school.

-I really want to talk to him.

-No! Just be cool.

Be cool? I can't be cool. That's not who I am.

I'm desperate.

He's having a baby with Charlie. You've got to let him go.

He is not ready to be a daddy.

He calls his penis Darth Vader.

He was like, "Darth Vader is approaching. Feel the Force."

And you want him back? Weird.

-I think he might be the love of my life.

-Oh, my God. Just shut up!

Look how cool Charlie acts, and she's having his baby.

She's not even looking at him.

She doesn't have to be cool, with boobs that big.

Look at her boobs! That's not fair.

Yeah, God is cruel and random in his boob allocation.

-Why is Ruby Williams smiling at us?

-Do you want me to smack her?

Cos I'd really like to mess up her hair.

-SAZ:

-Something's up. They don't go round smiling at us.

We ignore them, they ignore us.

Well, they don't always ignore us. Remember last week?

LAUGHTER

So, what's going on? Why is Ruby suddenly smiling?

Maybe she was just being friendly.

# TEARS FOR FEARS: Head Over Heels

# I wanted to be with you alone... #

VIVA: The groups and gangs in this school do my head in.

Just look at this corridor. Over there, you've got the Pretties.

AKA the Boob Nazis.

Then we've got the Misfits, or Pick 'n' Mix.

And there's my group. I think we're called the Sweaties.

Oh, and there's Pirate Roy.

Arrr!

He's kind of in a clique on his own.

Holli Vavasour, I want you in my office straightaway.

Oh, my God, sir! I ain't done nothing!

We can discuss that when you come to my room.

-What have you done?

-Nothing! I haven't done anything!

Well, I did call Mr Morrissey a prick, but that's just keeping it real.

And I did sell some of Mum's pills to that teaching assistant with the funny eyes.

So that's why he's got funny eyes.

And I let Keanu have a squeeze of my boobs behind the Slush Puppie machine, but no-one was looking.

And there's not even a rule against that.

Whatever it is you've done, just try and look like you're sorry.

Let's see your "sorry" face.

You look exactly like my dog when it's gone toilet in the lounge.

-MR JEFFRIES: Shoulders back, Holli.

-What?

Sit up straight. Direct eye contact.

Jesus, sir! I'm not in the fucking Royal Marines!

How can you be the best person you can be when you're all hunched over like a...

hunchback?

I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to cuss hunchbacks.

Jupiter Jones is a hunchback.

Jupiter Jones has a medical condition.

I've got a medical condition. I'm bloody knackered.

So, will you tell me what I'm supposed to have done?

You're here because of what you did to Carl Jarvis.

I done it cos he kept thieving my brother Armani's lunch money, and...

Hang on. How did you know it was me?

The whole thing was caught on CCTV.

We can clearly see you

squeezing Bikini Bare hair-removal cream into his bike helmet.

I'm disappointed.

Me too, sir. Didn't realise there was a camera by the bike shed.

You'll have to go on report, again.

And I'll have to call your mum about this.

Good luck with that, sir. She can't even follow the plot of Bob The Builder.

And you have to go and see Carl.

-Make an apology.

-I'm not sorry.

Saying sorry takes a big person.

I know you can be a big person, Holli.

If you can learn from the bad stuff, you can be anything, do anything, overcome...

Excuse me, Mr Jeffries.

Can I go now? Otherwise there ain't going to be no more hot dogs left.

CHATTER

Go on, I'll catch you up.

That hurts. Don't you know it's against the law to grab pupils?

Yeah? Well, I'm doing it as your step-mum.

That's against the law, too.

I want to talk to you about bullying.

Are the other teachers ganging up on you?

It's Ruby Williams. She's been having trouble with her friendship group.

Basically they're all bitches.

Plus - and this is highly confidential - Ruby's dad's been shagging her auntie,

and her mum's been shagging anyone who goes to the Duke of Cambridge pub.

You really shouldn't be telling me this.

You know I'm the head of her house, JK Rowling House?

I'm supposed to help with all this shit, but what can I do?

Drag her mum off blokes in the Duke of Cambridge car park?

Are you sure you've passed your teacher exams?

We can sort this out together, Viva.

What? What's it got to do with me?

You're a member of the anti-bullying council and a peer mentor.

-How can I mentor Ruby? She hates me.

-Time to step up, Viva.

Parents have been complaining about bullying in this school,

and the head's putting me in charge of stamping it out.

Preferably by Friday, cos there's going to be an inspection.

GIGGLING OUTSIDE

VIVA: Lunch break is a busy time for the queen bee of a clique.

Being a bitch, making sure everyone is scared of you

and having the biggest hair in school

is a demanding job.

Hi. Ruby's joining us today.

She fancied a change of scenery.

Come on, Ruby. They don't bite.

Holli does.

You had a row with Charlie? Cos she is looking like she wants to stab you.

RUBY: Well, she's in the right place, then, ain't she?

Got loads of knives she could use.

So, how is Charlie? Getting on all right with Brandon?

-I don't know. Why?

-Cool, remember?

Oh, no reason.

What about the baby? Is Brandon excited?

Are they thinking about baby names? Does he feel her bump?

Does he put his hands on her belly like they do on OK! Magazine?

They're not engaged, are they? Are they engaged?

I can't really say.

Obviously I know what's going on.

Charlie has totally confided in me. Everything. 110%.

-But I can't tell you. SAZ:

-Why not?

You sign the Official Secrets Act?

Saz, why don't we just let the girl eat her salad?

Just tell me one thing. Does he like her?

He likes her gigantic gazongas.

I knew it! It's the boobs.

Boobs that size should be against the law, like if they're bigger than her head...

Are they definitely real?

Yes, they are, I think it's safe for me to say that.

But I can't say anything else. Not now.

When can you say more?

I better go. I've got Attridge next.

I want a seat at the back of the class, away from the toxic spit showers.

See you at football.

She's coming to football?

AMBER: She told me nothing.

A big fat zero. Z-E-R-O-W. Zero.

What happened to being cool?

I dunno. My pits are proper sweating after that.

Why are you being all nice to Ruby?

Because I'm a nice girl. We're all nice girls.

Plus Bitchcock is on my case.

But Ruby's a Boob Nazi.

She's getting bullied, and I'm on the anti-bullying council.

This ain't right. She's playing us.

I bet she runs like a retard.

Told you.

LAUGHTER

You must've done something really bad to Charlie.

Remember Ryan B, Charlie's ex?

Well, I got off with him at a party, without getting permission from Charlie.

Is that it?

AMBER: Well, why would she care? She's having Brandon's baby now.

Ryan B told me that once, when he was going down on Charlie,

she farted and he nearly suffocated.

I let this information slip to one or two people,

and it got back to Charlie that I was spreading it round.

Charlie farts?

-Poor Brandon. What if she farts on him?

-I can't imagine Charlie farting.

What, do you think she's got a rose bush growing out of her arse?

Charlie swore she'd never speak to me again

and that she'd make every day hell for me.

She better watch it, though, cos I know things about Charlie you wouldn't believe.

I could take her down.

-And when I say down, I mean down.

-What, even worse than the stuff about...

-(FARTING NOISE)

-Yeah, that.

-That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I could destroy her with what I know. It's all going to come out.

You might as well tell us now.

Yeah, cos if she stabs you,

well, you won't be able to tell anyone anything after that.

Keep running! I haven't told anyone to stop yet!

So, you on top of the Ruby situation now?

I can't stamp out bullying on my own in one day.

We've got to make a bit more impact,

show the Head that we're taking this whole beating-up-of-weaklings seriously.

That's why I'm getting you to do the anti-bullying presentation for Year 7

on Friday when the inspectors come.

What? You must be joking.

-SAZ:

-I'm glad Ruby didn't come with us.

I feel like when she's with us I have to watch what I say cos she's storing it up to tell Charlie.

-VIVA:

-Why is everyone so scared of Charlie?

-He's here!

-Stop doing that to me.

I nearly hit you. It's just automatic.

OK, so just sit there and pretend you haven't seen him.

I just want to cuddle him.

I know, babe, but it will turn out better if you act cool.

Make him come to you.

Right, I get it. Make the mountain come to Maidenhead.

Mohammed. It's, "Let the mountain come to Mohammed."

Oh. That's a weird saying.

Amber, bad angle. Gusset.

That's better. Just a tasteful hint.

-Is he coming?

-No.

-What's he doing?

-He's scratching his man-bits.

I can't hold this position much longer.

-He looks a bit worried.

-I'm going over.

-No!

-Jesus.

That girl has all the self-control of my nan's bladder.

So, what's going on?

I thought you was going to call me, or text me.

Yeah, yeah, it'll happen when the time is right.

You just go back and sit over there, and I'll call you later, yeah?

No, now. I need to know what's going on, yeah?

Are you staying with Charlie or are you coming back with me? I need to know.

Oh, my days! Didn't I tell you, keep away from this one?

We got enough trouble on our plates with Little Miss Bun In The Oven.

It's OK, Mum. I got this.

Why you keep bothering my boy Brandon here? He's told you the score.

He ain't told me nothing.

Brandon! I told you, tell the dopey one it's finished.

- You mean you haven't told her? - Brandon?

I was waiting for the right time, innit? I'm sorry, Mum.

Oh, my days! Sometimes I think my son is nothing but a giant fool.

- I know what you mean, Mrs Taylor. - You seem an OK girl, Blondie,

but he's got responsibilities now he's going to be a daddy.

Can I call you later?

No, you cannot ring her later. Give me your phone.

Brandon, give it!

OK, contact list, here we go.

KEYPAD BEEPING Abby D, Abby J, Aggie, Alana.

Lot of ladies' names in here, son.

Amber. Delete.

"Are you sure you want to delete this contact?"

Yes, I'm sure, fool.

Delete. End of.

Now, Miss, you go back over there

and I don't want you leading my son into temptation again.

That's it for him. His fun is done.

Huh!

I've been deleted.

We heard.

I suppose you think I should hate him now.

But the whole time I was over there I could smell his aftershave,

same one he always wears.

SHE SNIFFS I Am King by P Diddy.

I think I'm getting a faint whiff of it too.

You sure that's not onions?

It's a beautiful smell. It sort of makes me want to cry.

It's definitely eye-watering.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Oh, come on Amber, what's up?

I'm just sad.

Oi. Come here.

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

-What is it?

-Charlie's Facebook.

It's her revenge for Ruby telling people about the farting.

-Nasty.

-Yes.

CRYING

But they're not even my breasts, sir!

They're like these well-lopsided ones, like a snowman lying on one side!

One large, one small!

Like, completely freaky, yeah?

But she's made them look as if they're my boobs, and they're not mine!

Mine are normal!

The same size!

Look, sir! See, sir!

OK, OK. There's no need for that. DOOR CLICKS

Holli Vavasour? What do you think you're doing?

You asked me to come in, sir.

Yep. Erm...Ruby, go and sit in Miss Horrocks' office while I deal with Holli.

Take these with you.

So, I've had Carl Jarvis in my office.

It seems you haven't apologised at all,

and now there's a further incident with you taking his hat.

-SHE GIGGLES

-I haven't done anything, sir.

CCTV, Holli! It's everywhere.

Couldn't help overhearing, sir.

I was there when the incident what you're discussing with Holli happened,

and I can vouch for her that he was chatting loads of bullshit.

SHE SNIFFS

And she could have killed him, but she just killed his hat.

Thank you, Ruby. Off you go. Shut the door properly this time.

SNIFFING

We're trying to look at the big picture here.

Big picture, I want you to go off into the world,

ready to take on a good job and make your way.

-SHE SNORTS

-That's not going to happen, sir. I'm thick.

No. No, you're not. You're from a...challenging environment.

Yeah, my whole family's thick.

-No!

-Stop stressing, Mr J.

That muscle in your forehead's going mental.

Do you want a chewing gum? Really good for stress. Relaxes the jaw, sir.

I want you to promise to me right here, right now,

that you will...

...learn from this.

I promise I will learn from this. Can I go now? Or I'm going to miss all the pizza.

If you like, I could get Charlie for you.

It'd have to be after school, though,

cos Mr Jeffries has every inch of this place covered with these bullshit cameras.

Not every inch, if you know where to look.

# Making up for teenage crime... #

THEY LAUGH

You know this anti-bullying thing I'm doing for the Year 7s?

I'll need some help from you guys. I've been speaking to Ruby.

She's going to tell her story about overcoming bullying, finding new friends.

We could make it proper inspiring.

Oh, my God! Do we have to actually be friends with Ruby now?

I just don't trust her. As soon as Charlie whistles, Ruby will go running back.

She's got a lot of heavy shit going on at home.

Her dad's done a bunk. She's basically from a broken home.

Who isn't?

None of us have had a plain-sailing life. Except maybe Amber.

Yeah, and I wish I was from a broken home. My dad is a nightmare.

Always on my case. "Home by 11", "Do your homework", "You can't go out in just your underwear."

God, yeah. Caring for you. He sounds really evil.

Ruby was in Jeffries' office yesterday. She actually defended me.

Oh, right, so you all love Ruby now?

She is so totally fake. You'll see.

I don't love her. I just want to know what she knows about Brandon.

- Morning. - OTHERS: Morning.

Anyone want some gum?

It is so nice not being around Charlie no more.

She's so controlling.

(IRLS LAUGH

Like always telling people what to do, like what side to wear your parting on,

how to wax your muff, like whether to get a Brazilian or a Hollywood.

She tells people how to wax their muffs?

And if they don't do it, she just drops them.

How does she find out? Does she, like, check up on them?

Yeah, and once she found out that Tanya has this just giant hairy bush,

like totally tropical,

just dropped her from the gang and said that she didn't fit in no more.

Shut up about Charlie. You're upsetting Amber.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

I just can't believe Brandon let his mum delete me.

Aw, you must be feeling so terrible.

-Group hug.

-Ah, poppet.

Actually, there is some important stuff about Charlie and Brandon

which you should probably know, Amber.

Only problem is, I don't feel I know Saz as well as the rest of you.

You know, it's a trust thing.

I only want to tell people that I trust and can feel comfortable around.

No problem.

I've got to go toilet anyway.

Well, tell us, then. Is it bad?

OK. Charlie doesn't really know who the father is.

There are three possibilities.

Brandon's just the one she likes best,

but from the dates, it's definitely not his.

Oh...

my...God!

Right.

I've got to stay calm while I consider Amber's next move.

Look, we need to get her to class first.

Oh, my God.

-What day is it, Holli?

-Dunno. Tuesday?

I think she's got Textiles next. Room 7G. Help me get her there.

Do you need to go toilet?

I'll tell you the rest at lunch, yeah?

See you then.

AMBER: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh! My! God!

BELL RINGING

Oh, my God.

Brandon actually thinks he's popped Charlie's cherry.

Ha! That ship sailed years ago.

I'm going to have to tell Brandon all of this.

No, just be cool. It'll all come out in the end anyway.

I can't wait that long.

Not now. This is a bit private.

So, then Charlie says to Brandon...

Are you still here?

Saz, grab a seat.

-Ruby, shift up.

-I'm not saying anything with her here.

Forget it.

I thought we were friends, but it turns out you're just a bunch of giant bitches.

-What's her problem?

-You treating her like shit.

She's got it coming, really. She's got "victim" written all over her.

She likes maths. That's just asking to get beaten up.

You couldn't beat up Saz. Saz is a ninja.

She could ninja you into millions of pieces with a flick of an eyelid.

-We need to find her.

-I ain't coming.

-We don't want you to come.

-We're Saz's friends.

-I've heard you cussing Saz loads.

-Yeah.

Yeah, we can cuss her, but you can't, cos you're not her friend.

-Wait up.

-No. You're not part of this group.

Good!

I don't want to be part of the Weirdo Ugly Football Nerdfest group anyway!

-I thought we were the Sweaties.

-I've never been called a nerd before.

Oh, I really need a wee. Wait for me?

I mean, Saz was there for me at my dad's court appearance.

-She cried when he got sent down.

-We all did, babe.

TOILET FLUSHING He deserved it, really, though,

-making those doggies fight like that.

-I suppose.

Did you ever find out where he got hold of that badger?

MUSIC RINGTONE

Saz?

You in there?

Saz?

Maybe she's killed herself.

Saz, have you killed yourself?

-We need to talk to you.

-I'm busy.

Are you going number twos?

I'm eating my lunch.

I made a big mistake trying to include Ruby in our group. I'm really sorry.

And so are Amber and Holli.

-And so are Amber and Holli!

-BOTH: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Though technically, it was you who stormed out on us.

But we are really sorry you got hurt.

Yeah, and we've told Ruby to fuck off now.

So, what did she tell you?

Going to eat that?

Mr Jeffries! Mr Jeffries!

Holli, shouldn't you be in a lesson?

No, I've got to speak to you now.

Well, I'll see you later when you bring your report card to me, won't I?

Oh, my God, you touched me!

-What?

-You touched me.

I'm nowhere near you, Holli Vavasour. What are you talking about?

-You touched me. On the boob.

-HE SQUEAKS

Right, we take this straight to Miss Jacobs,

cos I most certainly did not touch you on the part you just...

mentioned. Or anywhere else, actually.

I've been at least this far away from you the whole time that we've been walking.

Nothing to see, Jake and Ethan! Off you go before you get a detention.

Well, don't matter, cos Big Brother's got the whole thing on CCTV anyway

so we can definitely prove you touched the boob one way or another, can't we?

Look. Can you keep your voice down?

Yes, of course, we can refer to our, erm...

What you looking for, sir?

This is the only corridor in the school with no camera.

Yep.

Mr Jeffries. Mr Jeffries!

I know you didn't really touch the boob.

I just wanted you to know I could learn, you see? This corridor.

No CCTV and all that.

I'm not an idiot. I am capable of being educated.

I know you wouldn't touch a girl's boob. You're gay, ain't you, sir?

I seen you in the skating rink holding hands with your boyfriend.

Half past three, report card, my office.

He's quite fit, sir. You've done well for yourself there.

Did you buy him from Russia on the Internet?

-Where's Ruby?

-I don't know.

I think she was well nervous about telling her story in front of loads of people.

You said you could deliver Ruby. We need a bloody victim!

That's the whole point of this!

The victim speaks out, we show how you can overcome bullying

and make new friends and all that shit.

Jesus, Viva! The fucking inspectors are here now.

Just don't make me look stupid.

FEEDBACK FROM MICROPHONE

Good afternoon, everyone.

Today we're going to talk about "bullying".

And I'd like you to meet, er...Viva Bennett,

who heads up my anti-bullying squad.

Let's hear it for Viva.

WHOOPING

We were hoping to be able to tell you the story about a girl here at this school

who was horribly bullied.

The bullying took the form of throwing tampons at her,

throwing a tampon machine at her,

and of faking up a picture of her

so that it looked like she had proper wonky boobs.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-This girl was really low.

But she was fortunate, because a group of girls came to her rescue,

and even let her join in their football training,

although she was well dodgy at football,

and generally stopped her feeling...

Feeling alone.

Hi, everyone.

I'm the girl they've been talking about, er...the one who was picked on.

First and foremost, my boobs are completely normal!

AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS

Second, I had a falling-out with my best friend, Charlie.

It was all my fault.

Um...I was spreading some gossip.

- Gossip... - Gossip that...

- ...definitely wasn't even true. - ...definitely wasn't even true.

Er...but this lot, they're the real bullies here.

They didn't make me feel welcome,

and that one called me

a Boob Nazi.

AUDIENCE MUTTERING

I'm just lucky I had Charlie to turn to.

MUSIC PLAYS

So, you're saying it was... it was Viva's group that bullied you?

We take accusations of this nature very seriously

and will be taking statements from everyone involved.

In the meantime, Viva, I am stripping you of your anti-bullying council badge.

The message we'd like you to take away from this, is don't stay quiet.

Speak out against bullies!

Is there anyone here who'd like to speak out?

Yes, Carl?

You're wearing your cap. Caps are not part of the school uniform, you idiot.

-But I'm allowed.

-AUDIENCE GASPS?

-She did this to me!

You deserved it, you little shitbag!

RAISED VOICES

The fucking paperwork that's coming out of this shitstorm!

-FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

-It's them.

MUSIC PLAYS

How come Ruby has to walk three paces behind,

like Brandon and Charlie are Prince William and Kate Middleton?

-Don't look at them, Amber.

-Don't worry, I'm being cool.

Look.

I'm channelling ice cubes.

MUSIC PLAYS

No. Fuck it!

Fuck being cool.

-But you said!

-Important advice, Amber.

Do not always listen to my advice.

Yeah?

Not everyone in this school is scared of you.

Me, for example, not scared.

Out of my face, freaky-neaky.

-Not scared.

-What do you want?

-She's not even having your baby.

She doesn't even know whose baby she's having.

It's probably just some random mental's she can't remember, but it's not yours.

And I got that from someone who knows.

It's got nothing to do with you, you little nobody ugly person.

Not scared.

Yeah, not scared!

I'd kick her head in for you, Viva, but I know for a fact there's school cameras at this bus stop.

-This true, hun?

-Of course not, hun!

I'm guessing maths isn't your strong point otherwise you probably would have figured it out by now.

Brandon, come with me, hun.

My mum wants to take us to late-night shopping, to look at baby buggies.

OK, hun, but...

-SAZ:

-Don't you want to know who told us? It was your so-called BFF Ruby who told us.

Charlie's a right skank. She's shagged half the school.

Yeah, and you're about the only person whose dates don't fit.

- You told them that? - No, I... - You've got a fucking nerve.

Not scared.

Oh!

Bitch!

That's it! Proper!

# People keep sayin' I'm doin' it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try, really do try

# Really do try

# There's a million things I can change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life This is my life, this is my life

-# People keep sayin' I'm doin' it wrong

-It's gonna be fine

# People keep sayin'

# I'm doin' it wrong

# It's gonna be fine. #