Episode 6 Some Girls

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

# ..There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right... #

MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES: # Cos this is my life... #

-What's that?

-This is fruit. Remember fruit?

-I have fruit.

-Well, I know cider's

made out of apples, but it doesn't count as one of your five a day.

Are you giving her the last apple?

-I was saving that apple!

-And?

-You can buy it off me, if you want.

-Only 50p.

-See you later.

-See ya.

'In my family, I'm the first-born.

'Now, psychology tells us

'that the first-born always has the edge over the younger ones.

'Holli is the first-born in her family too.

'This means that, like me,

'she has power over her siblings.'

I will fart on your head till you tell me where you hid it.

'Amber is the baby of her family. Being the baby,

'she expects other people to look after her and do stuff for her.'

I've been wankin' him off for half an hour but he's had too much to drink.

Can one of you take over?

-I think the bus is coming.

-Good. It's freezing waiting here.

You're on your bike today, remember?

Oh, yeah! Forgot!

It's like I'm thick or something!

'And Saz is somewhere in the middle of a great big family,

'which means she struggles for attention and has trouble liking herself.'

COUGHS GENTLY

Oh, shut up, you bitch!

Why am I the only virgin in the whole year?

Pretty sure Shannabelle's a virgin.

-Yeah, who'd want to bang Shannabelle?

-The problem is,

everyone thinks I'm a maths swot.

Not many boys think maths is sexy.

-No boys, Saz. No boys.

-Are you saying you want to get de-virginised?

No, I'm saving myself for my cousin from Amritsar(!)

Yeah! I want to get de-virginised.

I get urges.

Horny urges. Just want to proper tear some guy's clothes off

and proper hump his brains out!

Should have said before. I can hook you up. Want me to check some possible victims?

Please, Holli. Really want some waste man picked by you,

who's mashed half the school, whose willy probably looks like a pickled gherkin cos it's so diseased.

Just trying to help.

OK, we're playing St Mildred's and we need to smash this sucker

cos if we don't, we're out of the cup.

And I want no fighting this time. Especially not with each other.

Holli and Shannabelle, I'm talking to you.

I'm sorry, but she's packing a penis somewhere.

Right, so I need every single one of you in the zone.

And that means total mental focus.

-Amber, what does it mean?

-What, miss?

I said...

Fuck! This isn't the same ball!

Where's the ball from last time?

The ball we beat Bevan College with, and Henshall Academy?

Our lucky ball, the one that makes us win?

We played really well in those matches!

Oh, right, yeah. No, we played amazing.

You were really incredible.

It's just I'd be a lot happier if we had our lucky ball.

You know, just as backup.

We can find it. I know we can.

Ah!

That's it! End of the season. I did everything I could.

Everything. Everything!

But without that ball, didn't have a chance!

I know we lost, but she's acting even more mental than usual.

Yeah, now she's pregnant, she's gone all superstitious.

She's got loads of weird rules about what's lucky and unlucky.

Opening a window after 4pm is unlucky.

Totally random. Someone had done a shit in the lifts this morning,

and she said that was lucky.

Oh, my God. That makes me feel sick.

I bet it's that old Mickey bloke. He shits in all the lifts.

Say what you like about my dad but at least he used to stop Mickey from shitting in the lifts.

-Bitchcock and my dad are going away this Saturday. I can't wait.

-Ooh!

Look at that.

What a lovely view of the new fencing.

Yes, Holli, that fencing is looking well fit.

Some of the fittest, finest fencing in the whole school.

What you on about? It's a fence.

So, Saz, see any boy there who you might want to...um...?

You know.

I want someone clean.

You know, like, really hygienic.

Washes every day, keeps themselves fresh all over,

especially his man bits,

and has hair that smells proper fresh and pine-scented,

and never squeezes his spots.

There's no boy like that.

Anywhere.

And it'd be nice if he can drive, though not essential.

But can drive a lady!

Essential.

What about him? He's fit.

Saz would be too scared to go near a really fit boy!

Right! Cos I'm hoping to lose my virginity to a disgustingly ugly boy(!)

Go on, then. Go talk to Jordan.

OK.

I will.

Oi!

Jordan!

-Yeah?

-Lovin' them shorts!

Where did you get 'em?

My mum got 'em for me.

They way they just...

fit nice on your bum

with your legs coming out the bottom - epic!

-What's happening?

-Nerd girl's being weird.

Oh, my God! Biggest fail ever!

-Oh, what's wrong with me?

-You need to engage with him about stuff he likes.

He does geography, don't he? You could ask him if he knows what the world's highest mountain is.

-Maybe not.

-No. All you've got to do is smile and laugh

whenever they say something funny.

-But he didn't say anything funny.

-They never do.

All the boys in this school are retarded.

And the most important thing to do with boys

is to keep your rack thrusting out at all times

like you're on the cover of Nuts magazine.

Shouldn't you be at home sharpening your pencils?

I write with them blunt. That's how badass I am.

You want to see my new badge?

That a sneaky way to get me back to your place?

Nah! I got it here.

I got it for all my work helping coach the Year 7s.

Mr Philips called me a great example, and all that shit.

I'm sorry about what you heard Amber say. She got it mixed up.

She's not the brightest.

Viva!

Got to go.

Boys will bang anything with a pulse, and that's the fussy ones.

Finding a boy ain't hard.

Finding somewhere to do it with a boy - that's the hard bit.

Well, if you find someone quick enough, you can use my place this weekend. Get rid of Jamie somehow.

Yeah, location is very important.

Very important. Location, location, location.

That's where you live, Amber, not where you bang.

There is someone I've liked for a bit.

Well, come on, then. Tell us.

It's that boy from the bus stop who's always reading.

I think his name's Joe.

The boy with the bad glasses? ALL GROAN

Well, when I've been with him for a while,

I'll force him to get himself some designer glasses.

Maybe I'll get him contacts.

-Trust you to like book boy.

-Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking laser eye surgery's the way to go.

'That's what I love about Saz.

'She doesn't just fancy the same boys everyone fancies.

'She likes the boy who's right for her.

'Those are bad glasses, though!'

# I'm a guy

# Who never did anything wrong, my friend

# Until I

# I met you

# Plan was good

# Every detail, every step we took... #

And get some of those chicken satay things to eat in the car.

I love those.

-NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:

-Chicken satay for you, multipack.

Vitamin energy drinks for me, multipack.

-Fruit & nut chocolate for me, multipack.

-Mmm!

Why do we have to have multipacks of everything again?

Multipacks are lucky, you know that, Rob.

-Did you put garlic in that?

-Yeah, course I did.

-SHE SNIFFS

-Oh, I can't stand the smell.

You know my sense of smell's extra-heightened at the moment.

I'll open the window.

Oh, no, no. It's after 4pm.

-Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot.

-Oh, it does smell horrible.

-The air is full of it.

-What?

Garlic.

-Whose ear's full of garlic?

-The air!

-The air!

-NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:

-The air.

-The ear?

-The air!

She's saying "air".

That's what I said - air!

I'm going to lie down, and please,

don't wear anything stripy before the baby's born.

You two are going to have such a fun time this Saturday(!)

Oi, babe...

I'll bring some of that massage oil you like.

Multipack.

ALL GIGGLE

Oh, I'm not going bus stop today. I'll see you later.

Why, where you going?

I'm meeting Brandon. He wants to give me my pen.

He wants to give you your pen?

After everything that's happened, you're going to let him give you your pen?

-Come on, he just wants to bang you.

-What? Do you think I'm stupid or something?

Anyway, see you later.

Oh, he's there!

So what are you going to do? Are you going to ask him out?

I can't, not after what happened with Jordan!

All right, well, why don't we do a little experiment?

-Yeah?

-Yeah, go up to him

and pretend you're interested in his book or something, offer him one of your chips.

If he says no, it's a bad sign. If he says yes, it means he likes you.

He might not be hungry.

-If he likes you, he'll take it anyway.

-Why?

Just do it, Saz! We understand how boys' brains work, don't we, Holli?

Yeah, got an A-star in boys' brains.

Well, take a chip!

EAT IT!

SAZ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

See that? So took a chip!

Best start stocking up on condoms(!)

Oh, he's a bit mysterious, though.

-I wish I knew more about him.

-That won't be a problem.

Armani knows his little sister.

All right, so you get Armani to do some research on him

and I'll ask Rocky, cos... I think they get the same bus.

-There will be clean sheets, won't there? I might bring my own.

-Might want to put a towel down.

Is there a lot of blood?!

Ooh! Could be a drop, could be a bucketful.

Everyone's different.

We should make a list of the stuff - sheets, towels, buckets,

-tweezers, hosepipe...

-All right, Dr Christian!

She's not giving birth!

It's going to be fine.

Got you a cup of tea on my way past Tony's.

Oh. Cheers.

You haven't got a pound for some cider, have you? Baldie's driving me mental.

-He's not doing anything.

-Exactly. He can't talk,

he can't eat proper, he can't rollerblade.

He's fuckin' boring, really.

SHUDDERING GROANS

What is that?

Amber's in there with Brandon.

Amber!

Oh, hiya!

Oh... You all right, girls?

Want to buy a cup of tea for a quid?

Uh, nah, nah. I've got to go. Um...

Bible study with my uncle.

Amber!

-Have you got any baby wipes, Mel?

-Yeah.

But you can only have one. They cost, like, a million pounds per pack.

Oh, I think I've used my last one.

What's that in your hand?

Nothing.

Oh, that's spunk, isn't it?

No.

-BOTH GROAN

-Oh, Amber!

-It won't come off!

-You got it on my baby!

That's a fucking health hazard, that is!

Oh, I'm sorry. I think it must have been ages since he came

cos there was so much! It was like I was holding a pond.

Did he give you your pen?

Oh, it's still getting me!

-ALL GROAN

-Oh, Amber!

Yes, mate. 9pm this Saturday, 17 Briscott Court. Bring some alcohol!

-Ha-ha!

-Oh, my God!

Jamie!

I cannot believe you're planning a big party this Saturday

and you're going to trash this place with your idiot friends!

-What are you doin'?

-Who's trashing the place?

I heard Jamie ring his mates, saying, "Bring alcohol."

Maybe we should send him to Auntie Lorna's this weekend.

Great idea, Viva. Lorna'll make sure he behaves himself.

No, come on, man! That's not happenin'!

Auntie Lorna keeps iguanas in the bath.

This ain't over! I'mma take this to Dad.

Oh, Dad does what she tells him. If he doesn't,

she's not going do her weird New Zealand sex voodoo stuff!

DOOR SLAMS

'The first-born usually gets their own way in these things.'

I can see why you like Joe.

You're a boffin, yeah, he's a boffin, yeah?

You've got stuff in common.

I'm not interested in him. I'm just asking for a friend.

-HE SCOFFS

-You hear that?

She's asking for a friend! Not very original!

That's it, blud. Yellow bibs in that bag, blue bibs in the other bag.

That's it! Sweet.

-Really! It's for Saz.

-Saz?!

You're jokin'! Don't give me that.

She's a maths swot - she doesn't care about boys.

She just wants to know if he's a psycho.

You and him's perfect for each other.

You can have a little bit of fun, then you can run home and do coursework,

and then you can text each other, like,

"Oh, Joe, what do you think of this history?", and shit.

And he can text right back, like,

"Oh, Badges, you're so clever!", and shit.

I just came here to ask for your advice as a friend.

Don't know why you're being so weird.

Blud, this is girls for you.

Badges here, she looks so fine,

but she comes here to stick a knife in my heart.

You little guys,

you got your whole lives ahead of you.

My advice -

concentrate on your football and forget about girls and sex.

Dominic, I know that advice comes too late for you.

Oh, my God! You're mental!

MUSIC: "Not Fair" by Lily Allen

What did Rocky say about Joe?

-What's the matter?

-The matter is I just...

Ooh, I just can't stop thinking about that dickhead!

BOYS LAUGH

You're not making yourself look very cool here, Viva.

# It's not fair and I think you're really mean

# I think you're really mean... #

Dominic! I've warned you about that.

# Oh, you're supposed to care But you never make me scream

# You never make me scream... #

-So, basically, Rocky told me nothing.

-Saz, you've got to get hold of book boy

and tell him he's breaking you in this Saturday night.

-He won't even want to.

-Course he will! I told you - all boys want to bang all girls.

Unless he's gay.

-Even if he is gay, he'll probably want to do it...for practice.

-Did Armani find out anything?

Has he slept with loads of girls already? Is he good in bed? How big is his...?

-Armani's seven.

-Well, did he find out anything at all?

Apparently he likes girls who are funny.

Oh, no!

I'm not funny!

Yeah, you are funny.

In a cruel, judgmental, sarcastic kind of way.

But maybe that's what he likes.

-I don't think she's funny.

-You could learn some jokes.

-Oh, I've got one. Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-Banana.

-Banana who?

Oh, no, it's a parrot. Or is it?

-I've got one. Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-Justin.

-Justin who?

Justin time to get down and party with me cos I'm a virgin

and I want you to kick in my hymen!

Oh, I get it!

You must know a knock, knock joke.

Knock, knock.

-What?

-Who's there?

What?!

Oh. No. Wait, I got it wrong. Hang on. What's this?

SHE PANTS TWICE What?

-A pair of pants!

-SHE CHUCKLES

SHE PANTS TWICE

A pair of pants?

SHE PANTS TWICE

Or pants, the things you wear, but...

Never mind. Didn't realise you were thick.

You seem angry.

No, no! I-I-I get it. I'm not an idiot.

I just...didn't realise you were doing a joke.

-I'm a bit...

-So?!

..confused. What do you want?

Well...!

Just love joking about and... making people laugh.

It's who I am. Ha-ha!

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

LAUGHTER FADES

Do you have a syndrome?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Good one! No!

Just all about comedy and having a good laugh!

HE CHUCKLES

So...so... So...so it's not a syndrome?

No, it's not a fucking syndrome!

Look...

someone told me you like funny girls.

Oh, fuck off, then, you big book-reading idiot!

You're the one with the syndrome,

the "I'm in love with my stupid book" syndrome.

All you ever do is read.

I thought you might want to do something crazy,

like hang out with a person instead of a big wodge of paper.

What?

SHE SIGHS

-He actually seemed to like me how I am.

-Where is he, then?

He said, did I want to meet him here after school, but...why did he say that if he's not going to turn up?

To make you look stupid.

-He might just be late!

-Probably doesn't want get to know any girls,

because they'll find out that he hasn't got a penis,

or he's got a weird one in the shape of a horse.

And I bet he really wants to put his horse in your stable,

but he's just been delayed for a good reason.

Or he doesn't like her and said he'll meet up with her just to get rid of her.

Hey, Rocky.

Can I talk to you alone?

-Did you follow me here?

-No! No, no, course not!

Well, yeah.

What do you want?

I was out of line the other day. I know that.

That's all I wanted to say.

Oh.

I'll see you around, yeah?

Rocky...

Now, he's a boy who'd know what to do.

I wouldn't have to show him how to do anything. He would just know.

-Shut up!

-You don't own him, yeah? He wanted to mash you and you said no.

Yeah, but I still like him.

-SAZ SOBS

-He's not coming!

What's wrong with me?!

Nothing's wrong with you.

He's a fool.

Yeah, he's...he's not living in the real world, you know.

He's just living in chapter seven of Hobbit-land,

-or whatever it is he's always got his nose in.

-Boys hate me!

-SHE SOBS

Can we have a tissue, please?

Sorry.

I-I got delayed and I didn't have your number, so...

Fuck's sake! That's a bad way to treat a girl.

You should have come whatever. Look what you've done to her.

Horse penis. You ain't even gone out with her and you're already treating her like a hairy turd.

You don't even realise she picked you out of everyone in the whole school

-because she wanted you to bust her cherry for her.

-Holli, shut up!

Yeah, that's right, she's a virgin and she wanted you to be the one.

She got a time, she got a place, she got a cherry.

Like I said,

I-I didn't have your number.

I was going to ask someone, but...

I actually didn't know your name.

-I'm Saz.

-Do you want a Coke or a cup or tea or something?

BELL RINGS

It might be enormous.

Might hurt.

How big are they?

How long's a piece of string?

Well, Brandon's is about, like...

that big.

But it's the thickness that's crucial.

Well, how thick is Brandon's?

Oh, it's about, like...

that.

Are you really going to do it?

I'm sick of being the only virgin! Makes me feel like a freak.

But you know I've only done it once, don't you?

Me and that guy on holiday.

-Mario!

-Yeah, Mario.

-Does he still send you those emails?

-Not for a while now.

-Aw.

-So I'm practically still a virgin.

But you're not a virgin! You haven't got a hymen.

I've been psyching myself up for this all week!

I'm going through with it, no matter what.

I don't care if his willy's like an albino slug or...

or like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

I don't care if he's gay, he's stinky, acne-fied,

or if he's got seven bollocks! I'm just going to bang him and get it over with.

-I don't think you should do it just cos of not being the only virgin.

-It's all right for you!

You're not a virgin.

People don't laugh at you and call you Chastity Belt.

AMBER LAUGHS

I lied.

Oh, this is well shamin'.

Mario doesn't exist.

What? But it was so romantic on the beach

with the waves lapping and the shooting stars

and the sound of the band in the distance.

-SHE GASPS

-And his brown abs rippling in the moonlight.

-God, you remember what I said better than I do.

-Yeah.

Cos I'd like to do it like that one day.

Instead of in a trolley park at Lidl's.

So those emails Mario sent you...?

I made it all up cos I wanted to sound exciting for once.

-There is no Mario.

-No Mario?

Oh, my God. Didn't know you was a liar.

-Poor Mario.

-I'm sorry.

-Why are you suddenly telling us all this?

If you decide not to go through with it on Saturday, you won't be the only virgin.

I-I just don't think you should do it just because of me lying.

Well, I've made my mind up. I'm doing it.

Course, technically...

I'm still a virgin.

BOTH You're what?

-BOTH: No, you're not!

-You've done Bay...

-Rainbow, Gavin, Toby, Tom...

-ALL SHOUT OUT NAMES

I have a lot of sex.

I do a lot of stuff to them,

they do a lot of stuff to me,

but...

I'd never, ever do anything that could get me pregnant.

I don't want to end up like my mum.

So...

here we are -

the three virgins!

-Four virgins!

-Three.

-Oh.

MUSIC: "It Starts" by Nerina Pallot

# Oooh ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

# Oooh ooh, ooh-ooh-ooooh

# When all is said and all is done

# You shall be the only one

# Can I lay my head down?

# Will you say

# Every little thing's going to be OK? #

'I want it to be just right for Saz

'so I've made a playlist of her favourite songs.

'And I got her condoms in 20 different flavours.'

# It starts in the head and it begins

# It starts and it changes everything... #

KNOCK ON DOOR

-MUSIC CONTINUES

-What is this terrible music?

This is the sort of music a girl would think is nice to have sex to!

Oh, my God!

As you can see, I'm on my own!

Well, maybe you're having sex with yourself!

Eurgh, why did I just say that?

Aren't you supposed to be at Auntie Lorna's?

-Unfortunately, some of them iguanas that Auntie Lorna keeps in the bath somehow accidentally escaped.

-OK.

So I'm going to ring Dad's mobile

and you'd better be on your way back to Auntie Lorna's by the time he answers, or...

Except...I heard from Brandon

that you've got a little house party going on here yourself.

OK, so we'll make a deal.

You stay in your room,

you do not come out,

we stay away from you,

you stay away from us

and no more friends.

Agreed.

# Oooh ooh, ooh-ooh-ooooh

# It starts in the head

# And it begins

# It starts and it changes everything

# It starts and it never fades away

# Can I lay my head down?

# Will you say

# Every little thing's going to be OK? #

-We'll take the stairs.

-Yeah, yeah. Stairs, definitely.

# Will you say

# Every little thing's going to be OK? #

-MUSIC CONTINUES

-Hi, guys. Er...

There's a slight situation here, but there's nothing to worry a...bout...

-Do you think they've started yet?

-How do I know?

My first time, Brandon and I shared an enormous bar of Galaxy Fruit & Nut.

It was epic.

Sex was a bit rubbish, though.

BOTH SNIFF

Holli. Thank God you're here. I need you to act as a bouncer

in case any more of Jamie's mates show up.

OK. Am I allowed to hit 'em?

Yeah.

OK.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Life goes on, it gets so heavy

# The wheel breaks the butterfly... #

What's...what's your favourite book?

I don't really like reading.

More into numbers.

Especially the Fibonacci sequence. Really turns me on.

Whole pi thing's...pretty sexy too.

Aah! Your glasses hit me in the eye!

Have you ever...thought about...contacts?

CHANGES SONG

POUNDING BASS MUSIC FROM FLAT

DOGS BARK

You're not coming in, you're not on the guest list, and nor are you, plus...

-you look like an afterbirth.

-That's right,

-you tell 'em.

-You two, in.

Couple of fit ones won't hurt.

I've got to get them out of here!

-Otherwise it's going to get out of control.

-Yeah, we need help.

Shall I ring Rocky?

-Or I could ring Brandon.

-There's other people we could ring.

-Rocky.

-Brandon.

-Rocky.

-Brandon.

-Rocky!

-Brandon.

-Rocky.

-Brandon.

-Rocky.

-Brandon.

-Rocky!

-Brandon.

-Rocky!

-Brandon!

-Rocky!

-Brandon!

-Rocky.

Great party, man.

Safe. Blud, respect.

Nice one. Cheers.

Dominic!

Respect, blud!

That's it, then, Badges.

Do you want me to go now?

No.

I want you to stay.

MUSIC: "Earthquake" by Labrinth

It's just...I couldn't sleep in room 72 - that is a really bad number.

MUSIC BLARES

Bit loud in there.

SAZ SHRIEKS

Yeah!

AMBER SQUEALS

AMBER GIGGLES

Jesus Christ!

What's going on?!

Oh, hello, Miss Bitchcock. Did you have a nice trip?

Ahh!

Er, Viva's dad!

Pleased to meet you.

I'm Rocky.

Oh, Miss Hitchcock. I don't think I ever congratulated you on the baby.

'For some girls, this would be just about the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen.

'The thing is,

for us...well...

'somehow I think there'll be more to come.'

# They always said that we would screw up

# Screw up

# That sometimes that's the only way

# People keep sayin' that I'm doin' it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life This is my life, this is my life

# People keep sayin'

-# That I'm doin' it wrong

-It's going be fine

# People keep sayin' that I'm doin' it wrong... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd