Episode 1 Some Girls

This programme contains some strong language.

# There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# This is my life This is my life, this is my life. #

-Would you do it with Prince William?

-Er, no.

Nor would I. He's going well bald.

Although, I would get him to buy me loads of amazing handbags

and then I'd say, "Sorry William, I just can't handle

"the pressure of being hounded by the press day and night."

But I would keep the handbags, obviously.

Plus he looks like he has a tiny penis.

ALL: Yeah...

Would you do it with a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs?

What would his face be like?

I mean, if he had a head like RPatz, but with no arms

and legs, but could use his tongue, I would definitely think about it.

-Would you do it with a man with a beard?

-No.

I'd rather do it with Osama bin Laden than a man with a beard.

Osama bin Laden has got a beard. And anyway, he's dead.

Well in that case, no.

Would you do it with a dead person if it wasn't Osama bin Laden?

What, Amber, are you actually thinking about it?

Well, if he was RPatz and he had died very, very recently,

like in the last ten minutes, I might try.

I could tell people I was the last person RPatz ever shagged.

I could write a book about it and go on telly

and be interviewed by Lorraine Kelly.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"So Amber, what was it like to make

"love to dead RPatz?"

"Well, Lorraine, it was proper tricky."

-Oh Viva, look, there's Rocky.

-Slow down.

Why? Why are we avoiding your boyfriend?

-Don't you like him no more?

-Tell us.

No, I still like him.

I still really, really like him, but he's getting very intense.

He keeps talking about the future.

But YOU keep talking about the future.

Yeah, but it's a different future.

I want to go to uni and Rocky wants to be a matador

or someone who owns a pie shop.

I've got an idea.

Let's skip first period and hang out in the supplies cupboard.

You, me...

..and this box of 132 condoms that

I just stole from Mrs Grant's classroom.

I can't just skip first period and have sex with you in a cupboard.

-We're at school!

-I've never done it at school before.

I bet it would be even sicker than normal.

Sometimes it's like you've got totally no idea who I am.

I actually like learning.

I could read your book out loud while we do it.

"Neuroscience and the Preservation Of The Mind, by Dr Patrick Scripps."

-Sexy.

-No, Rocky, I'm going to my lesson.

Just five minutes, then?

Two minutes.

-I can't find the light.

-Is this it?

-No, Rocky, that's your penis.

-Yeah, I know. Sorry.

-I need to go.

-Oh, one more minute!

Oh, no, I've dropped my pen! Can you find the light?

Let there be...

SHE SCREAMS

I think that's your pen on his left moob.

As you all know, Mr Andrews died suddenly last week.

For those of you who didn't know, Mr Andrews died suddenly last week.

It was a surprise for everyone, though of course he was very fat.

There will be a memorial service for students

and staff to remember Mr Andrews on Friday.

When someone dies suddenly,

there can be many unresolved "feelings" that need to be resolved.

Some here may be feeling angry about Mr Andrews dying and dumping

his GCSE students in the plop and leaving me to sort out the mess.

But we want you to know that we care about these "feelings"

and will be providing a counsellor to help you discuss those

"feelings" if you're the kind of kid who can't just talk it over

with your mates like a normal person.

You should probably see the counsellor, Viva.

What for?

-Well, you could be traumatised.

-But I'm not.

It's not every day you find your tutor's rotting corpse.

You must feel a bit weird.

No, I'm fine.

I found my rabbit dead once.

A rat had chewed off his head, hollowed him

out on the inside, just leaving a furry bag.

-Did you get any counselling?

-No.

Obviously we had a ceremony and buried him out the back,

next to Toggle, Billy, Elvis, Tinker, Nibbler, Mavis,

Muffin, Fudgey-Paws, Suzy, Stanley, Jacko, Peaches and Wanker.

Ah, he's in there if any of you feel the need.

Do we get off lessons, Sir?

No, you'd have to go during break or free period.

Like anyone's going to give up their free time to...

HARP GLISSANDO, ANGELIC VOICES

Hello Doctor, I'm here for counselling.

DOOR SLAMS

Er, don't forget, Viva, senior choir practice this lunch time.

And me, Mr Jefferies, I'm in senior choir.

Right, yes, you are.

So really you should be reminding me as well, shouldn't you, Sir?

Yes, right, you as well, Amber.

BELL RINGS

Ah, now clear the corridor for break. Er, Viva, a moment.

It's about choir. Amber needs to leave choir.

Leave? Why?

Because she's no good.

But isn't choir just about the pleasure of singing?

But is it really about that?

Isn't it really just on one level about sounding just a little

bit like the tune?

So are you just going to kick her out, then?

No, God, no. No, no.

I have a policy of inclusivity where choir is concerned.

-You're going to kick her out.

-Me?!

You're her friend. It's going to sound better coming from you.

Now, I want her out of the choir before the concert.

Thank you, Viva.

Urgh!

What's your name?

Holli Jane Vavasour.

Do you fancy a cup of tea, Holli Jane?

I've just boiled the kettle.

Where would you like to start?

I don't know. I'm well confused.

My feelings are...

SHE SLURPS LOUDLY

..all over the place.

Death can sometimes stir up some unexpected emotions.

It's just all very raw, very sudden, very painful.

(Four sugars, please.)

Er, right, I'll just...

Ow!

Gosh, you really are suffering, aren't you, Holli Jane?

I really am, Dr Nick.

SHE SOBS

This guy is hot.

He's better looking than Rocky, he's better looking than Brandon.

He's better looking than... Tyler Blaine.

No-one's better looking than Tyler Blaine.

He is. This is his bum.

-There you are.

-Hey, Rocky.

I've got some new names for my pie shop.

I Pie, Lord of the Pies, Pie-derman.

-Pies R Us.

-Pie-ly Tasty.

-TGI Piedays.

-The Only Way Is Pie.

-Pieland, Pie Club, Fucking Lovely Pies.

-It's hard to stop once you start.

-Pies, Pies, Pies.

-I Love The Way You Pie.

-Three Point One Four Two.

No, Saz, it's got to be pie-related.

3.142 is the mathematical constant you need

when you're finding the circumference of a circle.

It's called pi.

Oh, I get it, cos pies are circles.

Though you can get rectangular pies.

Viva, I've got something to show you.

-Go on then.

-Here? Are you sure?

"Viva Forever."

And if you break up, you can pretend you're a big Spice Girls fan.

I got it done last week at Matt's Tatt Shack.

-Epic, right?

-It's so permanent.

I wanted to show you, but I had to wait 'till the scabs fell off.

-Romantic(!)

-Do you like it?

Yeah, it's... It's just really permanent.

Do you like it?

It's amazingly...

..hard to remove.

Yeah, you can touch it, if Mrs Rocky says 'OK'.

I've got to go, babes. I'll see you tomorrow.

Pie Another Day.

Yeah...

So, Mrs Rocky, looks like Mr Rocky wants to settle down with you.

That is not happening.

Well, I think Rocky's tatt's beautiful. You're so lucky.

When me and Brandon was together, he never did anything romantic.

The only romantic thing he ever did was call his pet rat Amber.

That was probably just a trick to get me to have sex with him.

-And it actually worked.

-Do you miss Brandon?

No, I hate him. I don't want to talk about him.

Maybe you should go see the counsellor.

He said people can talk to him about anything.

-About anything?

-That's what he said.

-Cos I've got loads of stuff I'm upset about.

I'm going to write a list.

Show us that picture of his bum again.

I just got a text from Rocky.

Boy's a legend.

I'm going to need this table to set out my work.

Look at that, it's a classic.

Why has he sent you a picture of himself with a pasty on his head?

Well, it's a joke we've got going.

We send each other photos with pasties on our heads.

Sounds hilarious(!)

-Laughter, Viva, laughter.

-Yes?

"He who has laughter is a rich man."

"Laughter is the sound of angels' wings flapping."

"Laughter is the sunshine,

"something, something, something that makes your face into a garden."

What?

Just ignore him, it's his new "inspirational quotes" app.

-Ugh!

-Right, well I'll just set out my work now, if you don't mind.

Oh, God, lighten up, Viva. Take one of me.

I thought it had to be a pasty.

I'm cranking it up a level.

Well, sorry if I don't find it amusing that I'm going to fail my

A-Levels cos I'm taking a picture of you with a pork pie on your head.

Can you remember the problem that was bothering me?

Was it you couldn't remember something?

I still can't remember what it is.

I wonder if an onion bhaji would work.

No, I think it's got to be meat.

Rob, what if it's something for the baby?

What if I forgot to get it scanned or injected or tagged or something?

# I need your love

# I need your time

# When everything's wrong

# You make it right

# I feel so high... #

Really makes you think, at any moment anyone could just drop

dead in a cupboard and be discovered by two idiots trying to have sex.

No, I've had sex in loads of cupboards

and it's never happened to me.

Holli!

One minute he was the leader of science and the next,

a billion molecules of nothing.

Maybe Saz is right, you do need counselling.

I don't. It's just... Life is short, Holli.

There's Amber. Amber!

Poor Amber. Mr Jefferies asked me to dump her from choir.

Is her singing really that bad?

Yeah. She sounds like someone being slowly Tasered to death.

Hi!

Hey. What are you so excited about?

I'm going to see the counsellor today.

So what did you want to talk to me about?

Is it Mr Andrews?

A death can sometimes stir up some unexpected emotions.

I've got a list.

It was my first day at Sunny Day Nursery.

I was wearing new shoes.

My Granny said the sparkly butterflies would give me

princess powers, and as long as I had them on, I would be safe.

It was a very busy day.

At some point, I dropped off to sleep.

And when I woke up, my butterflies were gone!

Saz had cut them off and stuck them on her own shoes!

Saz stole my princess powers and she never even got in trouble!

Every day I see her, I'm reminded of it.

Right, and by "princess powers,"

do you mean a sort of feeling of being special?

No, I mean my princess powers. Saz stole them.

Do you still see her?

Every day. She's one of my best friends.

Right, well, that's great.

It means you can talk to her and tell her how it made you feel.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Yeah, I'm going to tell her. I'm going to tell her straightaway.

Right, so just to be clear,

you're having a go at me about this shoe thing from when we were three?

Yes.

My counsellor warned me that sometimes people don't take

other people's feelings very seriously.

I'm taking it seriously, and I think you should know that when we were

foetuses I stole your umbilical cord and used it for a skipping rope.

You're weird.

YOU are calling ME weird?

Yes.

"A death can sometimes stir up unexpected emotions."

Why do you always have to act so superior, Saz?

Probably because I've got your princess powers!

Oh, my God, what am I supposed to do?!

VIVA AND HOLLI: Say sorry.

I'm on your side, but you know the counsellor's mine, right?

You can't have him, cos I saw him first.

Hey! I'm going to sort this loser counsellor out!

You can't just turn all my friends against me!

Look, I understand why you're upset.

I get upset too when I feel like I've been treated very badly.

Oh, my God! Not trying to build a rapport with me, are you?

What is that, page one of the counselling handbook?

OK, OK. You got me there.

But seriously, Saz, death can stir up some...

"Stir up some unexpected emotions?" Yes, I know!

Maybe you should talk through some of your own feelings about Amber.

I don't have any feelings about Amber.

I'm basically totally indifferent to that pathetic little air-head fool!

Why did Rocky have to call me "Mrs Rocky?"

And why did he have to get that stupid tattoo?

-Er, der...

-He's into you. And he wants to have your babies.

He wants to stay with you and he wants you to be the one call

if he got arrested.

Yeah, or the one waiting for him to come out of prison.

-You and the kids.

-And the dog.

I'm finishing it. I've made up my mind.

-I'm dumping Rocky.

-OMG!

-OMFG!

I know. How do I tell him?

Just hit him with the truth. Or just hit him.

Life is short and I don't have time to mess around with

boyfriends who are a bit too thick for me and don't

fit into my big plan and just bang on about pies all the time!

Well, I think Rocky's quite clever.

She actually called me weird.

Why am I always the one getting stuck with the weird label?

"Weird" is one of those unhelpful words.

It's like she thinks she's so normal.

Who decides who's weird and who's normal anyway?

Everyone seems to know. How?!

It was all decided at a gigantic meeting that no-one told you about.

Sorry, I was just trying a bit of humour there.

It's page two of the counselling handbook.

Normal.

Normal.

Normal.

Weird!

Normal, normal, normal, normal...

Normal.

Normal, normal, normal, normal.

Weird!

But what if this lot, what if this lot are normal and those are weird?

Then what?

You have a lot of anger towards the other kids here.

A very real anger.

Very real. Yes, I do.

And what do you feel are your options here?

I just want to kill them all. Everyone in the school.

I guess I'm going to need a gun.

Do you know where to buy a gun?

Oh! It's not coming out and that was my last bit of change.

She can't get her Kit Kat.

-She'll have to hit it.

-Tried that, obviously.

KIT KAT DROPS

See that? It's your princess powers.

Works every time.

You need to take this seriously. She really feels hurt.

Just say sorry and it'll be fine.

It was 13 years ago!

Saz, over here, please.

What's this I hear about your plans to carry out a massacre at the school?

-What?!

-You told the counsellor you want to kill everyone at the school.

-It was a joke, Miss.

-I told him that, that's what I said.

"It's a joke", I said.

I mean, we all have little fantasies about blowing

everyone at the school away. I know I do.

But Saz, we don't tell people, because when we tell people,

it has to go official.

So what does that mean?

Basically, it means an anger management workshop for you

and a massive shittage of paperwork for me!

I'm going to see Dr Nick.

Again? You saw him yesterday.

Me and Dr Nick are getting on epic. So, so epic.

The chemistry between us is like, oh, my God.

Would you like to talk some more about your feelings about Mr Andrews?

-Who?

-Mr...

Oh, yeah, yeah, Mr Andrews.

Sometimes it's like I can feel him in the building, like a presence.

A big, bald presence. I'm so confused.

I wish he was here.

Have you thought about writing him a letter?

Sometimes it's a good way of saying things to the person that you

couldn't say to them when they were alive.

-I'm not too good at writing, Sir.

-Nick.

-Dr Nick.

-Just Nick.

-Sorry. All this grieving has got my nerves proper jangled up.

If you don't want to write him a letter,

maybe you could say it to him.

OK, what would you say to him if he was here right now?

Just, "phish," just "phish," just say it to me.

I would just say...

"You're a lovely, big man."

-Go on.

-"A hunky man with big, strong, hard arms, like Popeye."

Popeye, the sailor-man?

Yes. I just want to be with you.

This is what you'd say to Mr Andrews?

I love you, Doctor...

Andrews.

BELL RINGS

Shit. Lessons.

Viva, have you managed to have a word with Amber about you-know-what?

I can't do it, Sir. She just loves to sing.

Yes, I know that. That's the problem, isn't it?

It makes her really happy.

Sometimes we need to consider the happiness of others too.

-Oh.

-Hey, Amber. You look nice.

Thanks.

Why are you all dressed up?

-Wait a minute, is this for Dr Nick?

-No.

-You're lying.

I ain't lying. I always try and dress nice.

No, you've been glamorising yourself.

This is just my normal look except I done my plait at a different angle.

That's not your normal look. You look like a bigger ho than usual.

I can't help being beautiful, Holli. That's just who I am.

And anyway, I know he likes me, cos he hugged me.

He hugged you?

Yeah.

But if he did shag one of us, I am first, cos I saw him first.

Just don't throw yourself at him.

You'll get a rep for being a ho.

-You calling us hoes?

-No, I'm not calling anyone a ho.

I'm just saying that being nice is part of his job.

Pretty sure he doesn't fancy you.

-Cause you think he fancies me?

-He doesn't fancy either of you.

Why are you being a bitch?

Is it cos you're stressed about Rocky?

Hi, Mr Jefferies! See you at choir later, Mr Jefferies!

# La, la, la, la, la, la! #

Amber, Viva thinks when you sing, you sound like you're being Tasered to death.

-Is that bad?

-Well, yeah, specially if it was the X26.

I've tried it on myself once and I was like, "Aaarrrgh!"

Mr Jefferies wants you to leave choir and he asked me to tell you.

You want me out of choir?

It's not coming from me, it's coming from Mr Jefferies.

I'm a good singer, aren't I?

Well, I think you have a really amazingly loud voice.

I know. You can hear me over everyone else in choir.

-I proper boom, don't I?

-Yeah.

You can hear the windows rattle when I get going.

-I'm the loudest of them all.

-Yep.

So there, I am good, you don't think I should leave?

No. No, I don't.

Oh!

Oh, stop lezzing it up, I want some grub.

You can't sit on your own.

I'd rather sit on my own than with you bitches.

Yeah? Stay on your own, then.

Holli, sit down. Let's sort this out.

I'm still upset.

I'm still upset.

I'm a bit upset, these fucking chips are soggy.

I'm not saying sorry for something that happened 13 years ago

-that I don't even remember!

-Why are you so angry?

I'm the one whose shoes got murdered.

OK, I'll try to explain.

Sometimes other kids call me weird.

It's happened all through school. You probably haven't noticed.

-I've noticed.

-I've noticed.

-Yeah, I've noticed too.

There's that weird kid.

OK, everyone has noticed.

I hate that word.

And I don't even remember the thing with the shoes and

when Amber called me weird, I'm very sorry, but it does make me angry!

So you're saying you're sorry?

-I...

-Yep. You heard the girl. She said she's very sorry.

Apology accepted, Saz.

I didn't...

Let's all go Chicken Cottage after school to celebrate.

Can't. I'm meeting Rocky.

-Beyond epic, right?

-Rocky...

Do you want some chips?

I only ordered one portion cos I didn't know if you was hungry,

-but I can order two, live it large.

-Rocky, life is very short.

Yeah, that's true. So short.

We need to live our lives.

Really live our lives,

cos if we don't, we could end up dead in a cupboard.

So you and me, we need to...

-Do you see what I mean?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

-I'm saying...

-Wait.

Is this you breaking up with me?

Ooh!

You're the one dumping ME? See me crying?

No way. Look, dry eyes.

Come on Badges, have a chip.

-I'm really sorry about your tattoo.

-No problem.

I think I'll be needing it again anyways.

-How do you mean?

-Well, you're not really going to dump me.

No, I am.

You're too full-on and I can't handle it.

You'll be totally throwing away your discount in Rocky's Pie Hole.

I'm going to have to live with that.

-Let's surprise him.

-He might be naked.

Dr Sexy...?

Hi, Holli, hi, Amber.

BOTH: Hello, Miss.

Have a seat.

-Are you here to see Nick?

-Yeah. We're two of his best customers,

-aren't we Holli?

-Yeah, we was both getting counselling.

-OK.

Well he's gone. Basically, it turns out he's mental.

Plus, budget only covers four days of touchy-feely shit.

-He's gone?

-Yep. Total waste of money if you ask me.

-Did Nick leave any notes for us?

-Let me see. Ah, yes!

I've got a big box of love letters for Holli and Amber right here.

Not really, you idiots!

Oh, come, on girls, snap out of it.

-You're not still upset about Mr Andrews, are you?

-Who?

I think I might be getting over him.

-But what's Mr Andrews got to do with anything?

-Come, on Amber.

But we haven't... What about... I want Dr Nick!

He's gone, Amber.

Gone.

Is there going to be a new counsellor to help us

get over the loss of our old counsellor?

No! Get out of here!

I never had any counselling when my dad's flock got flystrike

and I had to single-handedly scrape the maggots

out of the arses of 1,200 sheep!

MUSIC: "True" by Spandau Ballet

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, hi... #

The thing I was supposed to remember,

whatever it is, it's getting more urgent.

Sorry.

Settle down, please, everybody.

We're now going to watch a slide show

while listening to some of Mr Andrews' favourite music.

# This is the sound of my soul

# This is the sound... #

# The final countdown! #

APPLAUSE

And now I'd like to hand over to what I know will be a very moving

part of the service, the student tribute organised by Miss Hitchcock.

Fuck!

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Mr Jefferies.

Your part of the service was indeed a wonderful tribute to

a larger-than-life character whose love affair with deep pan

pizza proved to be a fatal attraction.

And now for the student tribute to Mr Andrews.

-Viva Bennett would like to say a few words.

-Me?

(I'm pregnant.)

What can I say about Mr Andrews?

Mr Andrews taught me everything I know about hydrocarbons.

Gasoline, butane, methane,

propane, bitumen,

diesel, petrol...

-..kerosene...

-Windolene.

-A lot.

But then I dropped chemistry after GCSE

and Mr Andrews dropped out of my life and...

When someone is a part of your life for a really long time

and then suddenly they're gone, it leaves a hole.

A really enormous hole.

And you think, did I do the right thing when I dumped him?

-Should I have just...

-Er, OK, thanks, Viva.

Viva and Mr Andrews, I didn't even realise!

Viva, we'd all love it

if you could sing the hymn we've been learning in senior choir?

Really?

# Abide with me

# Fast falls the eventide

# The darkness deepens

# Lord, with me abide... #

Don't worry, I've got this.

ALARM RINGS

All right, everybody, calmly evacuate the building!

-Would you do it with a homeless guy?

-If he was a hottie, I might.

And if he had a nice dog.

Would you do it with Kai Birmingham?

I've done it with Kai Birmingham, twice.

Would you do it...

AMBER SCREAMS

I'm really sorry about your shoes, Amber.

You've got your princess powers back again.

I can feel it! I can feel it!

Weird people are the best kind of people.

# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# This is my life, this is my life This is my life. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd