Episode 4 Some Girls

This programme contains strong language

# I really do try # Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# This is my life # This is my life

# This is my life... #

It's a proper let down!

What is the point of Viva doing Tyler if she's not going to

-tell us all the dirty details?

-I know.

We have no idea what his man-bits look like.

Not even a basic idea of length.

Or a very detailed description.

Like you used to get off me when I was with Brandon.

Yeah, you had pictures.

Yeah. And a movie. And a PowerPoint presentation.

I've got to ask myself, where's her loyalty at?

Hey. I've having the lasagne.

I wouldn't look so fucking happy about it.

-Have you seen anyone hanging around my locker, Holli?

-No.

Cos it's next to your locker, so I just thought you might have

noticed something, like for example a guy, putting a folded-up

piece of paper in the crack between the door and the frame?

No.

-Don't you want to know why I'm asking you?

-No.

I do. I'm excited.

-A mystery guy sent me a note.

-Saying?

It's kind of private. He was too shy to sign it.

-I don't think he'd want me reading it out to everyone.

-OK.

But basically it's just about how he thinks I'm really pretty,

really, really pretty and lovely, and that's a quote,

"Really, really pretty and lovely."

"Really, really pretty and lovely."

Aw, so romantic.

Yeah. And he says he wants to hold my hand.

Can I see the writing? Just to make sure it's not from Brandon.

I don't think Brandon would say, "I want to hold your hand."

Tits, maybe.

Probably true. Especially this one. This was Ant.

He liked Dec as well, but Ant was his favourite.

You OK?

I wish I could forget him. But I can't.

He sits opposite me every morning in tutor group oozing sexy.

Urgh.

I can feel him oozing it right now across the canteen.

It sort of oozes across the floor and tickles my toes

and makes me look up.

Then when I see his eyes, it oozes out of his eyes

and into my eyes and down to my heart.

And then when it gets there, it just kind of...

..squeezes.

Shit, bastard, fuck! I'm supposed to see Mr Jefferies!

Got you a hotdog. Come on, you know you want to.

Holli, sit down.

I've been reviewing your performance this term, Holli, and I'm

pleased to say I've been getting some good feedback about you.

Are you sure that's my file? Holli Vavasour?

Not Holli Wiggins or Holly Mason or Holly Killick?

I know your name, Holli.

It's been tattooed on my brain since your first day at this school.

Not many eleven year-olds that run a head-butting

workshop on their first day.

-I'm smarter than that now.

-I always said to you, Holli, you're a bright spark.

What did I say to you at the beginning of this term?

-I don't know. Stop throwing potatoes?

-No.

-Bring back the school laptop that you nicked?

-No.

Put down Tariq Iqbal, he's scared of heights?

I don't know, Mr Jefferies, we've had so many little chats.

If you focus, you can excel.

And there's lots of evidence that you have done just that.

Holli, with these levels, you've got a shot at college.

College? Me? No fucking way!

I'm serious. You are so close to a viable college application.

Can you say that again?

You are so close to making a viable college application.

-Nah, I'm going to work in a shop.

-Holli, give yourself some options.

I've got options. Pizza Hut, Poundland, Paddy Power.

What we need are some extra-curricular activities to

put on your college application form, other than your football.

Now, I've had a word with Miss Hitchcock

and she's had an excellent idea.

That didn't come out too good. Just say it again, sir.

When I look at your face, I wish I was a poet,

so I could put your beauty into words.

I'm not that special.

Not thinking you're special is part of your specialness.

-Shall we get chips?

-You know, you're modest.

You strive for excellence in your work, your face is perfection.

You know, apart from your hair,

I wouldn't change a single atom of your being.

Aw, Tyler... Hang on, what's wrong with my hair?

Oh, no, it's fine, it's just, compared to the rest of you, it's...

-..it's not...

-Not...?

It's no big deal, but with long hair there's literally nothing you...

we couldn't achieve.

I like my hair, Tyler, I'm not getting a weave.

That's cool.

Oh, great(!) It's Alli, Soz and the other one.

-They're my friends.

-I think I'll take off.

I'll see you at my rugby game Wednesday.

Not really a fan of rugby. Weird ball.

If we win, there's going to be a massive party Friday night.

That boy is spicier than a Nando's Peri-Peri Platter with extra

chilli and I ain't even joking.

So, have you done it with him yet?

I'm not going to go into all the intimate details

about everything with everyone, but just so you quit bugging me, no.

Why not?! He's Tyler Blaine!

Well, I just don't want to rush.

So, what's the news? I feel like I've hardly...

I've got news. I've got another note from my secret admirer.

This one's an origami heart.

And inside he's written out the entire lyrics of

"Love Is A Losing Game" by Amy Winehouse.

And he's drawn some kind of weird flowers and birds all over it.

It's great, isn't it? A boy who knows origami

and is an Amy Winehouse fan and draws birds and flowers and stuff!

-Hmm, great.

-Yeah.

Why are you all being weird?

-We're so not being weird, are we?

-No.

-You all think it's a girl, don't you?

-Yes.

I think it's a girl, cos now it all makes sense.

What didn't make sense before about a boy liking me?

A boy liking you.

We could be wrong. Maybe it is a boy.

Quite a girly boy, though.

Don't forget there's always been rumours going around that

-you're gay.

-That you started.

-Before you started waxing your 'tache.

-You're lucky.

No-one fancies me - no boys, no girls. Even our goldfish

swims to the other side of the tank when he sees me coming.

I think Brandon still likes you.

Yeah, but after what he did with my sister, I hate him.

Your mouth says one thing, but your eyes say something else.

Hey, Amber.

Fuck off, you two-timing pig!

Come in.

I'm not going to lie to you, Holli, this is not going to be

an easy way to get extra-curriculum stuff on your college application.

-It's not?

-No.

And basically, you're the only one who turned up,

-so it's just you and me.

-Writing a whole school magazine?

Don't worry, we'll be right, we'll bulk it out with

some poems and some pictures and some inspirational crap.

So it doesn't matter if it's crap?

As long as it's crap that the kids want to read.

If I get this right, when I come back from maternity leave,

I've got a shot at being not just the head of JK Rowling House,

but the Deputy Head of the entire f-word school.

First up, the name. Ideas, Holli?

The Greenshoots Academy Magazine?

No, that's shit, Holli.

We want a cool name that appeals to the kids who read it.

I've made a list.

-Shout out when you hear one with a cool vibe.

-OK.

Sickage!

Wham Bam Famalam!

What's the Buzz, Cuz?

Coolnerd Times. Wassup Weekly. Bros 'n' Hoes.

Randomzzz, but you know, zz, with a couple of z's at the end,

maybe three.

Those names are all really shit.

No, those are cool names, Holli!

OK, OK, I'll pick a name. Moving on, contents.

Can I do a gossip column? Who's banging who?

No, that is not in keeping with the school ethos.

"Per ardua ad astra", whatever the fuck that means.

This magazine needs to embody the school motto and the school mantra.

Come on, Holli, the school mantra, what is it?

"Be 110 percent awesome."

Always! "Be 110 percent awesome always!"

It's a really shit mantra, Miss.

I'm only like 70 percent awesome, even on a good day.

That's given me an amazing idea for a personality quiz, Holli.

"How many percent awesome are you?"

This is great, Holli, brainstorming together like this.

-Can I be an agony aunt, then?

-Another great idea.

I'm going to be "Dear Katie".

Why "Dear Katie"? Why not like, "Hey Rihanna" or something?

No, I want to be "Dear Katie". It's a classic, innit?

Yeah, whatever.

No-one's going to be dumb enough to write in with their own

problems - you'll have to just make up the letters.

But I've got no imagination.

Where am I going to get my ideas from?

It's Morgan. You know, Morgan?

The girl with all the weird make-up?

She's the one sending me the notes.

-Anyone got a pen?

-I said it was a girl.

"I said it was a girl!"

Well, at least she's a really nice girl.

"At least she's a really nice girl!"

Maybe you should send her a note back.

"Maybe you should send her a note back!"

Why would I send her a note back? I'm not even gay.

Saz, why are you so angry with me?

Well, it's fine for you.

"I'm going out with Tyler Blaine, king of the school,

"cos I'm perfect and he's perfect!"

Actually, it's not all perfect with Tyler, not at all.

All right, everyone just calm down and speak more slowly.

Saz is just upset because a lezzer fancies her.

No, it's more than that, she's attacking me.

Sorry, Viva. I just don't know how to handle this.

I shouldn't take it out on you.

Yes, when people get upset about stuff,

they shouldn't take it out on other people.

Good tip.

What are you writing on your arm, Holli?

Nothing.

What a great estate.

You know, I'm loving the brutalist angularity of this place.

Yeah, well, bits of it are a bit shit, to be honest,

but it's my home.

-HE WHISPERS:

-What's he doing here?

-He's friends with my dad.

-I don't like it.

Well, he lives on Pot Noodles. Dad's just trying to educate him

on proper nutrition.

Not cool with this at all.

Come on, Tyler, it's completely over between me and Rocky.

Hi, Dad, this is Tyler.

Oh, my days.

Hello, Tyler. Call me Rob.

Roberto, put it there, dude.

You two know each other, of course.

That's true. I'll never forget you getting lost on that trip to Calais

and when we found you, you was crying your eyes out.

You was all like, "Wah, wah, wah!"

like a giant baby holding a baguette.

Really? I don't even remember.

But I'll never forget you totally humiliating the school

when that TV reporter was interviewing the Principal

and you were writing the... the C word on the wall behind him.

Yeah, I remember that. I think that's still there.

And I remember how you used to show everyone your penis.

Yeah, I used to do that a lot. Why?

I don't know. I guess it was just a weird little hobby.

So, how you doing?

Blud, I'm doing epic.

My man Rob here is teaching me how to make a curry,

so I'm just going to get back to chopping up this thing.

Rob, what do you call this bad boy?

That's an onion, Rocky.

The crazy world of vegetables. Who knew?

I'm not much of a chef, but I'd be happy to help.

-You could chop up this chilli if you like, Tyler.

-Sure.

Check his ninja knife skills.

Anything else I can do?

No, we're good.

Tyler, Viva tells me that you've been involved in raising funds

for a school in Gambia.

Yes, I've spearheaded the whole fundraising initiative by myself.

-Solo. Alone-o.

-Wow!

-I know. It's pretty amazing.

-You should be proud of yourself.

Yeah, I think he's got that covered, Dad.

And Tyler volunteers at the hospice.

I'm all about giving back.

Amen to that.

What do you do for your community, Rocky?

Apart from showing them my epic penis?

I guess I don't do nothing.

Rocky helps all the little kids with extra football coaching, don't you?

Come on, you got them to...

HE YAWNS

I'm so tired.

It was a late one at the hospice last night.

Violet had me reading her Fifty Shades Of Grey deep into the night.

She didn't want me to go.

HE SCREAMS

Argh, my eyeballs! Arrgh, my eyes, they're burning!

They're burning! Arrrgh!

My eyes are melting, my eyeballs!

Tyler, what's happening? Jamie, stop filming him, he's hurt!

He didn't wash his hands after cutting the chillies.

It'll wear off in a minute.

HE MOANS

My eyes are dying.

Someone get him a baguette.

It's like Calais all over again.

So now Tyler has forbidden me from seeing Rocky

and he's saying he wants Rocky banned from the house.

He's proper laying down the law.

-Sexy. I like a hard man.

-So he can dominate you?

No, so I can break him.

It's just not fair on Rocky.

He and Dad are mates now.

Dad's teaching him how to cook.

They haven't even started potatoes yet.

So your problem is your new boyfriend

is jealous of your old boyfriend.

Well, I don't want to hurt Rocky, obviously,

but I should be loyal to Tyler because he's my boy.

But Tyler keeps saying stuff about wanting me to get a weave,

-and I don't like boys getting involved with how I do my hair.

-How do you spell "involved"?

Rocky looked so cute at my place last night in his little apron.

I'm getting an interesting vibe. You still horny for Rocky?

She's right. You ain't over Rocky.

Oh, yes, I am.

ALL: Oh, no, you're not.

Shut up! Stop doing that. I'm over Rocky.

And how are you feeling about Morgan today, Saz?

Still very confused and looking for answers?

Yeah. Morgan's wearing a really cool jacket today.

Right. So you think you might feel a little bit attracted to her?

-No.

-That's not necessarily what I'm hearing, Saz.

You're turning into a really good listener, Holli. It's nice.

I'm here for any friends who want to share their problems with me.

There's Brandon. I really hate him, but tell me if he looks over.

No, he's very busy trying to stuff a whole Wagon Wheel in his mouth.

SHE CHUCKLES

He's so funny and clever.

Did I ever tell you about cone kiss?

It's a kiss me and Brandon invented when we was 13.

You can't invent kissing.

Well, I used to have this thing where I wouldn't say goodbye to Brandon

without kissing him all over every centimetre of his face.

Cone kiss was a way of doing that, but with one kiss.

So I'd put my hands like this...

Then, I'd kiss like this.

And then do this.

And that would spread one kiss everywhere.

Then later, we just starting properly doing it

and forgot about cone kiss.

That is so cute.

Viva, there's a germ orgy happening right now on your face.

Do you want one of my anti-bacterial wipes?

I've got to do some thinking and writing.

I mean, go toilet. I need to go toilet.

See you later, after I've gone toilet.

'What's the big surprise then?'

So remember we've been having some thoughts about your hair?

Well, you have.

You're cute, but different hair could take you to another level.

Take a look.

I'm confused. I don't want long hair.

There's more.

BOTH: Hey, Tyler.

Hi, Tyler Blaine. Great result yesterday.

Thanks, Hitchy. Big celebration planned.

We won our match yesterday too.

Yeah, and Miss Bitchcock was really pleased with us, weren't you?

-You were shit, they were shitter. Good result.

-Thanks(!)

Anna wrote up a little match report and put it on the new school webzine.

First edition online now. Chick it.

Chick it?

She's saying "Check it".

-We will, Miss. What's it called?

-Chick It! That's what it's called.

It's a great name that appeals to young people.

I'd just like to say that you are rocking that baby bump.

THEY CHUCKLE

Ah, thanks, Tyler Blaine.

Suck up much, Tyler?

Er, I'm Head Boy, Taz, I don't need to suck up to Hitchy.

Come on, Amber. Let's work on your textiles project.

Bye, Tyler.

Anyway, huge massive party happening at Sam's this Friday,

celebrate the rugby team.

Well, can my friends come?

Are they friends, Viva?

Or just hangers-on?

And he really wants you three to come too.

Woo!

I heard it's just a big open-house party.

Maybe Brandon will be there.

I'm thinking maybe it's time I do the mature thing and forgive him.

I mean, it's not his fault he's a two-timing pig

who slept with my sister.

Amber! It is his fault.

Maybe I should forgive him.

I know for a fact that Morgan is going to that party.

What? How do you know?

-Got another note.

-Woohoo!

This time, she's signed it and she says if I'm interested in her,

I should talk to her at the party.

THEY ALL SHOUT

There's a poem called Autumn.

"Dead leaves flutter down Like wishes that don't come true

"Like my wish to own A Nike Blazer shoe

"Or preferably two."

Not bad.

Oh, a problem page. "Dear Katie..."

I love problem pages.

"A gay girl is in love with me.

"I'm not a lezzer and I don't know what to do.

"Love from Worried Straight Girl."

Did you write in, Saz?

No! I don't use words like lezzer.

But apart from that, it sounds exactly like you.

Yeah, well, it's not me.

What does Auntie Katie advise Saz, I mean...you...

I mean, Worried Straight Girl to do?

"Dear WSG, I think we should all grab any opportunities that come our way,

"YOLO, LOL, so if I was you, I would give it a whirl,

"being gay, I mean, cos it don't sound like you get a lot of straight action.

"LOL. Let me know how you get on.

"Katie, XO."

Well, I mean, I can't just decide to be gay, can I?

I mean, people who aren't gay don't just, do they?

Oh, she's really pretty! Oh, my God!

I'm more confused than ever.

Pretty good advice from Auntie Katie.

-You weren't expecting that, were you?

-Who is Auntie Katie?

Dunno. It's probably some old counsellor bitch, innit.

There's more.

"Dear Katie, I am a girl who went out with a boy called Randy,

"but he banged my cousin and I can't forgive him.

"Lots of love, Bambi."

Ooh!

Bambi's problem is just like my problem!

What's Auntie Katie's advice?

"Dear Bambi, my heart goes out to you, Bambi,

"cos it sounds like you've got yourself mixed up

"with a proper testicle. LOL.

"I would strongly advise you give this kid a wide berth.

"He is a testicle and you are worth more than that.

"LOL. Let me know how you get on, Katie.

-"XO."

-Aw.

I'd only just made my mind up to forgive Brandon,

then Katie tells Bambi to ignore Randy.

Make up your own mind, Amber.

Imagine Morgan's boobs squishing against my boobs.

Do we have to?

Hey, what's up?

Are you going to that party tonight?

Do you want to go with me?

So I watched Black Swan last night to get me in the mood.

Have you seen it? I did feel slightly turned on.

What do you think that means?

You're a dirty ho.

Do I take the gay plunge? I don't know.

One minute I'm no, one minute I'm yes.

Then no, then I'm yes, then I'm no, then yes.

You don't have to decide now.

-Then I'm no.

-Hi!

-Then I'm yes.

And then, ten minutes later, I'm no.

Ten minutes later, I'm yes, and then I...

Argh!

Are you OK?

I really banged my head! It really hurts!

It's just my luck when I want to look all hot at the party later.

Does it show?

Aw!

I've got to do something about this lump.

It's killing my look.

Where the fuck is Amber? I want a drink now.

Just had a text from her.

She's not coming.

That's weird, she normally loves parties.

MUSIC PLAYS

GIRL CRIES

Look, your mum said I could come up...

..cos I thought maybe we could go to the party.

But it seems you're kind of busy crying and shit.

I, I, I, I, I...

What's...what's wrong?

Is this about what happened with your sister,

cos it was a one-off, well, two-off max,

but they were in the space of half an hour,

so it was kind of one, one and a half?

It's not that.

I forgot to do my main piece of textiles coursework

and I found out it's due in tomorrow,

and if I don't present it tomorrow, I'm going to fail everything!

-But can't you just...?

-No!

It's my big project and I've only done the mood board.

And I'm going to fail textiles and it will be the end of everything!

Look, come on, you're being a bit dramatic.

I am not being dramatic! I'm going to fail!

I should have known this would happen,

cos when I took the How Awesome Are You? quiz in Chick It magazine,

I only scored 22 percent.

Oh, OK. Well, I'm going to go to that party now.

SHE SOBS

You want me to help you do the work?

Can you sew?

No.

But you could do cutting out and you could do glueing.

OK, we can do this. Get undressed!

Get undressed?

MUSIC PLAYS

I'm going to dance.

No, Saz, don't dance. I'm not being horrible,

but when you dance, you look like a chicken having an asthma attack.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Oh, she looks good tonight.

Just get it over with and go and talk to her while she's on her own.

Look, just, just watch the nips.

I never thought Saz would do it,

I was only joking when I said give it a whirl.

What do you mean "you" were only joking?

I mean, Auntie Katie was probably only joking.

-But why?

-Oh, I love this one. Let's dance.

Hey, Morgan.

Hey.

This is really awkward.

Is it?

I've never done anything like this before.

I've kissed one boy and done some quite advanced groping,

but apart from that, I'm pretty inexperienced

when it comes to love and sex, etc.

-Though me and my mates talk about it all the time.

-Yeah, Saz...

So anyway, you said in your notes to come and talk to you

if I might be interested, and to be honest, I don't know.

There's something really mysterious and beautiful about you.

And I just thought maybe we could go to a movie or something,

you know, take it slow?

I don't think we should try to have full-on sex straight away,

-unless you think that's the best way to...

-Saz, stop.

I didn't send those notes to you.

They were supposed to be for Holli.

-Isn't that Holli's locker?

-Holli?

You like Holli?!

Yeah. I've been in love with Holli since the first day of school.

I think it was her hip-hop workshop.

-Is she still running them?

-No.

So do you think I've got a chance?

Nearly finished. Just one last ribbon to sew on.

MUSIC PLAYS

Babe, our song.

Brandon, do you remember cone kiss?

Yeah, course I do.

To be honest, I prefer normal kissing.

No! You sexed my sister.

I can't forgive you.

When I close my eyes, I see you doing it with her.

It's really upsetting, especially when I try and go to sleep,

because that's when I have to close my eyes.

What's the matter? Have you lost your geometry set?

Do you want a drink?

Have a drink.

What did she say?

-SHE SOBS:

-She, she doesn't...

Was it your lump? Cos if she knocked you back because your face is deformed, that is just shallow.

-It wasn't.

-Do you want me to smack her for you?

No.

But I'd like a drink.

Jesus, those two are embarrassing.

I know.

No, Viva, it's not funny, it's serious.

I'm ambitious and I'm not being arrogant,

but I'm fucking amazing and I can't be associated with losers.

Well, you are being arrogant, actually.

I know you do all this fundraising and everything,

but you're really big-headed.

Do you think that's an appropriate way to speak to me?

If my head's big, then there's a reason for that.

You're Head Boy of a slightly shit school.

I know it's going to be weird,

but I'm going to have to put my foot down about Sash and Taz and Olly.

You can't see them any more.

Don't be silly! Are you pissed?

Come on, let's go upstairs and talk.

We can get some alone time.

No, I'm fine where I am.

I've got the equipment.

-THEY WHISPER:

-I'm talking condoms.

-I know.

And I don't want to. I'm not ready.

-I rushed into it a bit too quick with Rocky and...

-What?

You made love with Rocky?

But you won't make love with me?

I don't get this. No, can't process this!

-You all right, babe?

-She's fine. Back off, lumphead!

He's had a lot to drink.

Do you want us to take you outside and help you be sick?

No, I do not! Viva and I are leaving.

-We're not.

-And she won't be hanging with you guys any more.

-I will.

-And she's decided to get a weave.

I'm not getting a weave!

Look, Tyler, you're hot and you can fundraise and everything,

but apart from that, you're a massive arsehole!

You're a hot, fundraising arsehole!

What?!

So that means you're single.

I'm here. Did I miss anything?

Yeah, I won a competition to fit the most Pringles in my mouth.

I fucking rule at that.

And you missed Morgan telling me

that she's been in love with Holli for the last six years.

Me?!

Yep, she definitely said Holli.

And not Holli Wiggins, Holly Mason or Holly Killick?

You.

Six years? So it's me who's really, really pretty and lovely?

-Yep.

-Really, really pretty and lovely.

-Shut up!

-Six years?

Just think, Justin Bieber was only 12 years old.

Harry Styles was only 12.

Simon Bird, from the Inbetweeners, was only 23.

I'm sorry, Saz. Why didn't you say anything?

It's just massively humiliating.

I really like Morgan and I was ready to proper give being gay a go.

Aw, don't worry, Saz, I'll give it a go with you.

# People keep saying That I'm doing it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things That I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life This is my life, this is my life

# People keep saying That I'm doing it wrong

# It's gonna be fine

# People keep saying That I'm doing it wrong

# People keep saying That I'm doing it wrong

# It's gonna be fine

# People keep saying That I'm doing it wrong. #