Episode 3 Some Girls

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

# I really do try, really do try Really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #

Thought I was going to be late. Jake tried to eat Mac.

-It was horrible.

-Is Mac OK?

Yeah, I think so. Are you OK, Mac?

Yeah, he's fine.

You can't bring him to school!

I had to. If he stays home, Jake will eat him.

Jake's trying to become the alpha male of the house. He thinks he has

to eat all the other pets. He's already had Wolverine.

-Goldfish.

-Mac can just sleep in the bag, he likes sleeping.

What if a teacher sees him?

I'm going to pretend he's a furry pencil case.

Oh, you're actually serious? Yes, good plan(!)

Where's his zip, though?

You're going to have an amazing day, Mac.

We've got textiles first,

and I'm going to show you how to work a sewing machine!

DOG WHIMPERS

Let's have some quiet, please, J K Rowling House.

I've got a couple of announcements to make, but first of all,

I'd like to hand you over to Tyler Blaine, our Head Boy.

Hey, guys.

Just a quick reminder about our Greenshoots Got Talent charity night.

Now, I'm holding auditions all this week,

so come along and see if you've got what it takes.

I doubt any of them have got any real talent,

but wouldn't it be lovely to be proved wrong?

Still, I've been working here seven years and it hasn't happened yet.

Oh. OK, thank you, Tyler Blaine.

Looking very sharp today, by the way, loving the hair.

Oh, is that new?

Auditions taking place lunch time, music block.

Thank you, Tyler Blaine. Let's give him a round of applause.

Now, I'm disappointed to have to say that there has been

evidence of drug use in the toilets.

As you all know, anyone found in possession of drugs on school

premises will face severe consequences.

(Best to have them before you get here.)

-Ssh.

-So I'm putting a five minute limit on toilet visits.

(I could do so many drugs in five minutes, she's got no idea.)

Shut up, Holli.

So I need some volunteers from sixth form to run my anti-narcotics

toilet squad, the ANTS.

The "Ants" will monitor the toilets every break time.

I can't go if someone's listening. What if I rupture my bladder?

Like you did in year three.

It's quite a good gig, because you'll be issued with

a clipboard, a pen, a tabard and a stopwatch.

Plus it's a good little extra for your uni application.

So, who wants to volunteer?

OK, thanks, Viva.

No, I didn't volunteer.

You start today.

I didn't volunteer.

So, any questions?

I didn't volunteer!

That's it, Mac, just tap the screen when you see the snack you want.

I hope you're going to audition. I know you can sing.

I'm not sure. Probably be too busy logging people's toilet visits.

Logging people's logs. Ha-ha.

Come on, that's funny.

HOLLI SCOFFS

Do you want me to talk to Anna and get you off toilet duty?

-Because I can do that for you, no probs.

-You call her Anna?

Or Hitchy. It's a Head Boy privilege.

It's OK, I'll handle "Hitchy".

Oh, independent, I like that.

You know, this might sound weird,

but you look kind of hot in that outfit.

OK. Have you got a thing for toilet monitors?

Not usually.

-GIRLS:

-Hey, Tyler!

I've got a message for you from Charlie.

Stay away from Tyler.

What, is she fake pregnant again?

But this time by Tyler, like she was fake pregnant by Brandon?

You'd better listen up, toilet girl, cos this is serious.

The message is, stay away from Tyler.

Tyler Blaine belongs to me.

I mean to us, I mean to Char...

You like him too, but Charlie won't let you have him?

You and your friends had better watch out!

Make that...47 seconds.

I fucking rule at quick weeing.

Guess what? Tyler Blaine fancies Viva.

That's not what I said.

-Fancies Viva?

-What's that?

My private journal.

-Oh, private, can we see?

-Is it a diary?

No, it's a journal. Remember that counsellor we saw?

He thought it might help me sort out my feelings

if I write everything down.

Is it feelings about why no boys fancy you?

It's just a way for me to vent about stuff that I might be repressing.

-About why no boys fancy you?

-No, Amber, it's not about that.

It's mostly about issues with my family and spiritual differences.

The dilemmas facing a modern Sikh girl in a Western society.

And some other random stuff.

I bet it's about why no boys fancy you.

Joe fancied her.

Yeah, but he's emigrated to Australia.

Madison really tried to scare me.

She told me to stay away from Tyler or else.

It's classic bully bullshit.

I don't get why Tyler Blaine fancies you.

I mean, I'm blonde.

Weird, Amber was supposed to meet me, but never showed,

and now she's not even replying to my texts.

I wouldn't worry about Amber,

she went to give Mac a tour of the IT suite.

-They got Mac! They got Mac!

-Who did this, Amber?

It was Charlie and her gang, they grabbed me.

They took Mac. They tied me to a pillar.

They said Charlie was serious about Viva leaving Tyler alone.

They won't get away with this.

I'm going to hurt them girls, swear down. It's not OK!

Ah, he's all right Amber. He looks a bit freaked-out.

No, I think that's just his face.

No-one takes my best friend and tapes them to a pillar!

No-one takes my best friend's dog and tapes HIM to a pillar!

This is not OK!

Calm down, Holli, you're not helping. Has anyone got a tissue?

-No.

-She really needs a tissue.

-I'm going to...

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to hurt them, I swear DOWN!

Try this. Sorry, it's all I've got.

Have you got any more? Light flow just isn't going to cut it.

AMBER SOBS

I'm going to kidnap them, tie them up, drive them out to the country

and dump them in a forest to be eaten by wolves.

That's what I'm going to do.

Wolves have been extinct in the UK since 1843, but whatever.

You don't think big, you'll never achieve nothing.

We should go to Mr Jefferies.

No, I don't want Mr Jefferies getting involved.

Why? Are you scared of Charlie?

Not for me, for Mac. He's easily scared.

He's scared of the colour red.

He goes mental every time we pass a post-box.

He saw a Ferrari once and disembowelled a squirrel.

It's not fair, you getting attacked cos of me talking to Tyler.

I'm not sure I even like Tyler.

Course you do. You must. He's...

-ALL:

-Tyler Blaine.

Nice apron.

DOG BARKS

APRON RIPS

Hey, Viva.

Dad, she made me stand outside the toilets all of lunch time!

-What's this, Anna?

-It's a very important job.

Viva's heading up the Anti-Narcotics Toilet Squad.

I still haven't got that smell out of my nose.

That smell is minuscule particles of faecal matter stuck

-to your nostril hair.

-Ugh!

That's just... Urgh!

God, you pick on me all the time!

You know I can't show you favouritism just cos we're related.

-We're not related.

-We live in the same house,

I'm shagging your dad, I'm about to give birth to your sister.

-I think...

-No, we're not related.

Well, we will be once the baby comes.

I'll be related to the baby, not you.

Whoa, let's mellow this vibe down, ladies.

Tell her not to make me do the toilet thing!

The Principal's breathing down my neck every day

about the sixth formers being so stoned, they can't do their work.

You don't realise how much nicer they are when they're baked.

You know what I think?

You two are the two females I love most in the world

and you need to learn to love each other,

because a home without love is like a car without an engine.

It's like a torch without batteries,

it's like a sausage roll with no sausage.

Misfits after the funny one left.

Dad, I love you, but do not expect me to pretend to love her!

I'm just asking for some mutual respect.

Exactly. I think she should call me Mum.

I'm just kidding! not really. Oh, that would be horrible!

OK, do we sit with Tyler?

I think Mac would like us to make a stand.

Mac hates bullies.

Yeah, we're really getting that(!)

What happened to you coming to audition?

-I never said I was going to.

-Mac and I are going to come.

We've got a mind-reading act. I can read his mind.

Like, I just look at him and I know he wants a sausage.

He can read my mind too.

Must have amazing eyesight.

Mac wants us to go toilet now.

I'm sorry, Tyler, but I don't really like singing in public.

It's more of an in-the-shower thing.

I'll audition you there if you like.

I sing in the shower as well, Tyler.

You're welcome to audition me in there any time.

(17 Edenside Close.)

Always a warm welcome at my place, Tyler,

especially in the shower, cos that water's scalding hot.

I'm going to head over to the music block.

Seriously, Viva, you need to audition.

You've got something special.

OK, you've got to bang him,

cos if you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life regretting it.

No! I just don't want to.

-But it's a waste.

-I'm still getting over Rocky.

The thing is, he's never going to bang me, so you banging him is the

only way I'm going to find out what it's like.

So basically, you saying you won't bang him is you being a bitch to me.

VIVA SCOFFS

Let's wave.

It's nice we're making friends with them now.

Have you ever been sitting there and thought to yourself,

"What's that smell"? And then you realise, "OMG, it's my fanny."

-No.

-No, no, nor me.

They've attacked my locker now!

Everything in there is covered in acid or something.

They can't get away with this.

Typical, the shitting cameras are broken.

How come it's always working fine

when I'm the one pouring hydrochloric acid into the lockers?

Mine's OK. Yay! Found my Smarties.

Those bitches!

This is all my fault.

I wonder why they didn't do my locker.

Maybe they thought after what they done to Mac the other day,

-I'd suffered enough.

-Where is Mac?

He's in my bag.

He's gone! He's gone! Maccy!

Maccy!

MAC BARKS

-Where did it come from?

-HOLLI AND VIVA: Over there.

MAC BARKS

Argh!

Oh, I have to get Mr Taylor.

Maccy!

MAC BARKS

You're safe now, boy. Amby Wamby's here.

What's going on?

I'm sorry, Saz, but we've had all our lockers attacked.

-Probably done yours as well.

-No, it'll be fine.

Have you lot never seen a teen movie before?

Lockers are the first place that bullies think of.

Classic bully bullshit.

Trick is, keep one step ahead. Changed my locker yesterday.

Oh, my God!

Look at them gloating!

You want to mess? You want to mess?

I said, do you want to mess?!

Excuse me, but I think your eyeballs are going to pop out and roll down the corridor.

You what?

Holli, leave it. Let's take this to Mr Jefferies.

-Take what? You've got nothing.

-I'm going to hurt these hos.

I'm going to pull out your hair extensions and strangle you with them!

I'm going to rip out your fake nails and carve my name on your face.

No! That's what they want, they want you to get in trouble

and get kicked out of school.

It's simple.

You stay away from Tyler and we'll leave you alone.

Tyler's mine.

Why would Tyler go for someone who's banged the whole football team

and the whole rugby squad and even the whole of Ultimate Frisbee club?

In fact, are there any boys left in this entire school who've

managed to avoid the cosmic suction force of your vagina?!

OK!

Let's go.

BELL RINGS

So, I guess you're not coming to audition?

-No.

-It's a shame. I really think you're talented.

I heard you singing in the school concert and it was beautiful.

It made the hairs on my arms stand on end.

-Really?

-We should get together some time, have a chat

about uni applications and stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'd love that, Tyler.

-How about today after school?

-Today?

I've got a meeting with the Principle at 3:30 to discuss

this school I'm helping build in Gambia, but...

You can probably squeeze her in after.

-I can meet you at the caff at 4:30.

-I'll be there.

-She'll be there.

-Awesome.

-She's looking forward to it.

Shut up, Holli!

-MADISON:

-Hey, Tyler.

We'll be coming to audition, Tyler. See you later, Tyler.

And don't forget your date with Viva, Tyler.

No!

-No, they can't read it!

-What's the matter, Saz?

It's gone! My journal!

Oh, my God, it can't come out.

It just can't come out. IT CANNOT COME OUT!

Saz, it's OK. We'll help you get it back.

They're going to read it and tell everyone what's inside,

and when they do, I will literally want to kill myself!

It is that bad! My family will find out.

I'll bring dishonour to my father.

He'll send me off to the Punjab to learn to be a good girl

and I'll never see my friends again!

Saz, please! Don't get upset. We can sort this out.

It can't be sorted out. You can't do nothing, admit it!

I need to start planning my suicide.

It's the only way.

OK, this is all because of me and Tyler Blaine, so maybe if we,

if we go to Charlie and I promise to stay away from Tyler...

Saz, will you stop making that noise and listen to me?

If I go to Charlie and promise to stay away from Tyler,

then maybe they'll give us your diary back.

Fuck that. We don't let Charlie win, ever.

Normally I'd agree with you, but look...

We have got to do something.

SAZ SHRIEKS

You win, Charlie. I'll leave Tyler alone like you wanted.

You said this would happen, didn't you, Charlie?

Charlie said this would happen.

So, you've come to beg for your diary?

Do you see us begging?

I mean, we're asking politely.

Maybe you should beg.

We're not begging.

That's a shame.

Saz, no!

Please can I have my journal back?

Charlie didn't catch that. You need to beg!

I'm begging, please can I have my diary back?

CHARLIE LAUGHS

-No.

-It's such a good read.

We're going to hang on to it for a bit.

You should get it published. Fifty Shades Of Weird.

Come on, Saz, this isn't working.

Please!

OK, fine, you can keep Saz's diary,

but that means I'm going to do whatever I like with Tyler Blaine.

You're so pathetic, you probably don't even know what to do,

or how to do it.

Really? Don't I?

Well, maybe I'm just going to drizzle him with maple syrup

and have him on a waffle!

Which is a metaphor, by the way.

GIRLS LAUGHS

I think.

I'm really sorry, Saz.

No-one can help me. It's classic bully bullshit!

You're late. Your hot chocolate's cold.

It's cold chocolate.

Yeah, I had to do something important.

If you arrange to meet someone,

you should probably turn up on time or it's just unprofessional.

-"Unprofessional?"

-Yeah!

I've got a lot to achieve and the clock is ticking.

Sorry to be late, I was trying to help a friend.

Hmm, OK. That's good.

Impressive value system.

I think you and I have a lot in common.

I think your girlfriend's spotted us.

Oh, it's Emily!

She's from the hospice.

She likes to go for a wander in the afternoons.

You know her?

I volunteer there. Sit with the old folk.

At a hospice? Isn't that very sad?

No, no.

And they love it.

I'm told it's nice for them to sit with someone who's young

and handsome and doesn't smell of death.

She looks like she's waiting for you.

Yeah. I'd better walk her back to the hospice.

That's so lovely of you.

Yeah.

To be honest, Emily's a bit of a groper, but if she wants one

last squeeze of a firm young bum, then who am I to deny her?

She'll be dead soon.

Well, it's still really lovely of you.

Yeah. And that shit looks epic on your uni application.

Obviously, I care deeply as well.

-Thanks for the cold hot chocolate.

-My pleasure.

Look at this.

Shit, it's Saz's diary.

"Some thoughts about eye contact."

Huh?

"I've been keeping a record of eye contact

"and I'm beginning to realise that for some reason people find

"it uncomfortable to make eye contact with me."

-She's mental.

-"I can't tell people, cos they'll say I'm mental."

And look there.

There's a web link.

But what are they?

Saz has made up some pie charts to do with eye contact and other stuff.

What does it all mean?

That one's to do with pavements.

How often we walk three across with her behind.

It's 57%, apparently.

Oh, it's OK, babe. It's not that bad.

You can ride this out.

More to come! More to come! More to come!

Awesome thumb-work there, Rocky.

Look at that, Jamie, see how he does that flick with his thumb?

That's how you handle zombies.

Can I get a turn?

Come on, Jamie, he's on a roll, you don't interrupt a master at work.

That's it, that's it. That's it!

-Yes!!

-He's beaten your top score, Jamie.

I don't care about top score. It's just a number.

-Yeah, a much higher number.

-Yes!

You'll have to train me up on that thumb thing.

-Where are you off to?

-I thought I might sit in the cupboard in my room

and pick off a patch of flaky paint from the wall.

OK, son, enjoy.

Stop whinging, I told you,

I've found you a volunteer for toilet duty.

I never volunteered.

Come on, Anna, let's leave these two alone.

-I can oil your bump if you like.

-Aw, thanks, babe!

It makes it very difficult for me, you coming round here all the time.

I get that.

Cos you're so torn about how you feel about me.

It's destroying you.

No. We're over.

It's time for you to start the next chapter of your life.

New pages! New pages!

"Some thoughts about masturbation." Oh, no.

"No-one talks about masturbation,

"but I bet everyone is doing it, even Miss Phillips.

"But I bet if I tried to talk about it, they would pretend they don't."

"On Monday, I masturbated, thinking about Brandon." Right.

"On Tuesday, I masturbated, thinking about Joe."

"And Wednesday, I thought about Tyler."

-"But that didn't work."

-"So I changed to Jordan."

-"But that didn't work."

-"So I changed to Brandon."

Yeah, bet that worked for you, babe.

Even I masturbate, thinking about Brandon.

"It's like sometimes I like BBQ flavour crisps

"and sometimes I like chicken. So what's the problem?"

What's crisps got to do with anything?

"And yesterday I masturbated,

"thinking about Big Jim, the caretaker."

ALL: Urrgh!

Come on, we've all done it.

This is turning out to be a bit more original than I thought.

I need to talk to you all privately.

Oh, hold on, I'm a slow reader.

Saz, it's like you spend all your time making pie charts and wanking.

I think people are going to forget about all this soon.

-No, they won't.

-"More to come tomorrow." Great!

I need to talk to you three. Can we go to the cafe after school?

Big Jim, eh?

Viva, have you got a moment?

I need an urgent word about my Gambia project.

It's not really about Gambia.

I just saw you and got a slight heart-attacky feeling.

I really want to kiss you.

Would you be into that idea at all?

Viva, are you coming?

Shit, everyone! Viva's snogging Tyler Blaine!

STUDENTS CHATTER

What's the big deal?

It's just a nice way to relax at bedtime.

You never tried hot chocolate?

I think it's really brave, you telling everyone about all this.

Not many girls would do that.

She didn't exactly tell people, Amber.

I need to talk to you about the other stuff.

There's some other stuff. It's going to be about you.

All of you.

You got it back?

After they photocopied the whole thing.

Anyway, I want you to hear this from me.

What did you put about me?

I'm just going to read the worst bit, OK?

"Amber."

"Why does Amber have to be such a whore?

"I overlook the fact she's thick, because she can't help it,

"but there is no excuse for her behaviour around guys.

"She may as well just wear a big sign around her neck saying

'I do it with anyone'.

"Plus she thinks she's pretty, just cos she's got long, blonde

"hair, but I've seen that hair close up and let me tell you,

"she has bare split ends."

Split ends?!

There's other bits, like when I expressed my shock

that you thought a reindeer's antlers were its ears.

You'll find that antlers do double-up as ears.

It's true, I swear down. I'll back her on that one.

No, it's not true. The ears are separate.

-Read mine now.

-OK.

"Viva is very pretty with beautiful, sparkly eyes and a great bod.

"And she is a nice, kind girl who tries to help people."

That doesn't sound too bad.

"Can't they see, she's just a boring girl with no personality,

"whose only interesting point is how incredibly uninteresting she is."

Oh.

I think that's probably hurtful. I can't always tell.

So what you put about me in there? Don't tell me, I can guess anyway.

"Holli's violent, Holli likes to hit people.

"Holli likes to bite people."

I haven't bitten anyone in ages, that is totally unfair!

It's probably easier if I just show you.

What the fuck?

-It's different nutritional break-downs.

-What?!

I made a study of your food intake

and worked out some nutritional stats.

Do you know your salt intake is about 700% what it should be?

Whoa, your iron is low. You could well be anaemic.

Looking at these, it's amazing you haven't got scurvy.

Doesn't anyone want to say anything?

THEY SHOUT

And I condition every day!

Let's go before my anaemic hand bangs on her face!

I have tried to be there for you and support you,

but all the time, it's just like you hate us!

Isn't it true that we all think mean things about each other,

but most of us don't write it down and then get it exposed?

What are you saying?

If we're not her friends, then she's got no-one.

And if we don't go back, Charlie wins.

Let's go back.

Is there anything bad in there about Mac?

Yes.

So, jokes that Daniel is doing toilet duty.

I guess Bitchcock doesn't know he's the main drug dealer in the school.

-Did you get the equipment, Holls?

-Yep!

Hurry up, Holli.

SAWING

I really don't get what you see in Big Jim.

Hello, Tyler.

Hey, Charlie. Hey, Madison. Hey, Miffy. Hey...you.

We're a dance act.

Cool. And have you got a name?

We're called The Pretties.

And, Tyler, just to say, on behalf of all of us, about how epic it is

the amount of funds you managed to raise for that school in Camibia.

Madison, I was supposed to say that.

Awesome. Go for it.

DANCE MUSIC

# Come on...

# If you don't take control

# You'll never know

# Get down

# Get physical

# If you don't take control

# Put on a show

# Get down

# Get physical. #

THEY LAUGH

GIRLS ON FLOOR MOAN

You all right, Charlie?

Aaaah!

GIRLS ON FLOOR MOAN

# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try, really do try Really do try

# There's a million things that I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd