Episode 3 Some Girls

This programme contains strong language

# There's a million things that I can't change

# But maybe it's all right

# This is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #

-BABY GURGLES

-'So then Baby Bear says,

' "Blud, someone's been chilling in my chair

-' "and he's still chilling there!" '

-BABY GURGLES

-Yes! My evil plan is working.

-What evil plan?

I'm synchronising Bean's nap with you coming home from school at 4.30,

so 4.30 can be our special "doing it" time.

I like your thinking.

-Average afternoon nap is 27 minutes.

-Might be able to do it twice.

-I like your thinking.

-Maybe even three times.

-Ambitious...but doable.

-Come on.

-BABY CRIES

-Oh, no! Is she waking up?

No, we're good. That's her going to sleep noise.

-Her waking up noise is more like...

-HE MIMICS BABY WAILING

-Can you really tell the difference?

-Yeah! I know all her sounds.

There's... Umm! Umm! Umm!

That's, "Pick me up."

-There's...

-HE MIMICS BABY WAILING

That's, "Give me food."

It's amazing! You speak fluent...baby.

There's... Ugg! Ugg! Ugg! That's, "Look at me bouncing."

-That's my favourite. Apart from...

-HE SIGHS DEEPLY

-What's that?!

-That's you at 4.30.

-DOOR OPENS

-Come on.

-I'm home.

Oh, well.

Hi, Dad.

So...when are we going to tell your dad about us getting married?

-Let's tell him now.

-We can't tell him now, he'll freak out!

-Freak out? Me, why?

-No reason.

-What's going on?

-Come on, Viva, it'll be fine. Trust me.

-I'm not sure.

-Don't you trust me?

Remember, I was right about banana pizza, wasn't I?

This is different.

We have to tell him now.

-Look, if he's going to hurt anyone, it's going to be me.

-True.

If I'm going to hurt anyone, it's more likely to be him.

Especially if this is what I think it is.

-BOTH: No!

-No, I'm not pregnant, Dad.

No, it's...it's just that me and Rocky have decided to get...engaged.

Wow! That's...fantastic news!

-You're pleased?

-Well, yeah. I mean...Rocky's kind, he's good.

What more could I ask for in a son-in-law?

Plus, I thought you were pregnant, so...it's kind of a relief.

Thanks, Rob. I'm going to make your daughter very happy.

I know.

-Every day at 4.30.

-Sh!

Thanks for being so supportive, Dad.

No problem. I'll get Bean.

ROB LAUGHS

Mmm! Congratulations.

There.

Congratulations?!

-He was so laidback! He was

-too

-laidback.

BABY WAILS

Uh-oh. That's, "I've done a massive crap."

-I like your fringe.

-You like my fringe?

That's a weird thing to have a meeting about.

Don't be dumb, Saz. That isn't what the meeting's about.

Why would Holli and Amber be here if it was about your fringe?

No, the meeting's about maths.

As you may know, Holli and Amber

will soon be re-taking their Maths GCSE...again.

-What about it?

-I've chosen you, Saz, out of the entire school,

to be my number one choice in helping them get through it.

-Isn't that the job of their teacher?

-Miss Bailey? That dopey little imbecile?

-She couldn't help water get through a sieve.

-True dat.

So, I'm asking you, Saz, as their friend

and as a member of the Greenshoots community, will you help them?

-No.

-Is that the end of the meeting?

Sit down, Holli! So, what if I called your parents, Saz,

and explained that when you told them you were orienteering,

you were, in fact, at a music festival with 30,000 men?

And still not one who wanted to shag her.

You wouldn't do that. You're not allowed to do that.

-You can't do that.

-You'll help? Ah, that's great...

And I want a promise from you two that you'll work hard.

Yes, miss. It's really nice that you care about our maths.

Basically, Amber, Greenshoots is sliding down the school league table

faster than a sheep falling off a cliff.

And I've pushed a sheep off a cliff, so I know how fast that is.

And it's my job to push the fudging sheep back up the cliff.

-What sheep?

-She's saying she doesn't actually care about your maths,

she's just doing her job.

Oh! But is there a sheep? PHONE BEEPS

Holli Vavasour, give me that phone.

"Can't stop thinking about...fudging you."

From Tonka.

Fucking...not fudging.

Thanks, Holli. Now that I'm a mother,

I don't use swear words any more, I prefer baby friendly alternatives.

PHONE BUZZES That's her other phone.

Probably her other boyfriend. He likes fudging her as well.

-You see why I don't want to tutor them?

-Yes, I do,

but you won't have to do this alone, Saz -

I'm going to get you some help.

Viva? Hi, it's Mummy Anna.

I do that to freak her out.

Yeah, it has.

You're volunteering to help Saz tutor Holli and Amber in maths.

Yep, Viva's helping you.

Guess who I saw yesterday?

Sophie Sutton, used to go Greenshoots.

I remember her. Wanted to stay a virgin for Jesus.

Yeah. She's got three kids by three different dads now.

Three? Fuck! Jesus would not be happy.

They're all so cute, all different colours.

There's a little mixed race one who looks like Brandon

and what our baby would look...

Amber, it's over. He's banging Shantelle.

I don't care about him. I don't care about Shantelle. I just want a baby.

-You'll have a baby one day, Amber.

-I want a baby now.

Be easier when you've found someone to provide the sperm.

I don't want a man, I just really want a baby.

-Can't you just get another pet?

-I've had every pet.

Goldfish, hamster, cat, dog,

turtle that turned out to be a tortoise.

Do you know that if you put a tortoise in water, it dies?

Yeah, I remember that very clearly.

We keep the spare car keys in its shell to remind us.

-So it didn't die in vain.

-Oh, I bet his tortoise soul loves that.

I'm ready for a human baby now.

To love and to love me back

and to dress in little hats and to do this to.

SHE COOS

Ow! Please, don't ever do that to a real baby!

SAZ LAUGHS

Rocky, it's 4.30!

-BABY CRIES

-'Yeah, I'm sorry we lost Froggie,

'but Squeaky Pig likes nap time, too.'

Hey. It's 4.30.

Bean's asleep. So busy today.

She's really trying to pull herself up to walk.

I filmed her on my phone.

-BEAN LAUGHS

-Cute. Let's go to the bedroom.

Right, just need a minute to chill.

-Why?

-Really...exhausting morning.

We dropped her Froggie somewhere between here and Baby Club,

-then spent three hours looking for it.

-Well, she's got loads of toys.

It was her favourite frog, Viva. She was crying for an hour.

-OK, well, it's gone 4.30.

-Oh! What you doing?

-Just taking off your clothes.

-Right, it's just that...

-I'm so tired.

-Rocky! What about us doing it?

Look, I still fancy you, I'm just...tired.

Oh, my God! Too tired for sex?

I didn't think this would happen

till we were middle-aged people of...37.

Where's Viva? I thought she was helping you?

I told her not to worry. I've got this.

So we're going to kick off with a quick test

to find out how much you know.

Don't worry, I'm assuming it's nothing.

I think you're going to find out we know a lot more

than you think we know, Saz.

-We're going to start with geometry.

-I thought we were doing maths.

It is maths, Amber. Get out your equipment.

Your maths equipment.

No-one told us to bring maths equipment.

I just automatically assumed you'd know.

But then I realised that was dumb, so I went out and bought you some new stuff with my own money.

I know, I'm awesome. Don't worry, it's fine.

-PHONE BEEPS

-Hang on. Hang on.

-I just need to check this.

-Leave it.

-I can't leave it.

-She can't, Connor's her main man.

-He wants us to go cinema.

-That sounds fun.

Some shit-sounding romcom, Nappy Ever After.

That sounds amazing! Can I come?

No, cos we won't be watching,

we'll be trying to have sex at the back behind the seats.

-I don't care, I just want to see the film.

-Can't you have sex at home?

There's more people at my house than at the cinema.

Me and Brandon had that problem, but we worked out

if you hold down floors two, three and seven of the lift at Northside,

it jams the lift long enough to...you know.

-Have a loving intimate encounter?

-Exactly.

Watched only by all the security staff on the security monitors,

all their friends and anyone prepared to put their card details

into shagginginlifts.com.

So you're saying I could be famous?!

PHONE BEEPS

Can we get back to the subject of maths now, please?

Ever done it in the toilets at TK Maxx?

What's the point of me trying to help you

if you won't focus on maths?

-It's like you don't care at all.

-I don't care.

Mr Jefferies is helping me get on a scaffolding apprenticeship,

so why should I bother?

I would care more if there was a real sheep.

I remember these! And you got us the tiny swords.

Compasses. Who knows what those are for?

-Tiny sword fights, obviously.

-Obviously.

Can one of you just stab me to death, please?

I've got all the application forms for doing a part-time childcare course next year.

So you're really serious about this nannying thing?

I thought you might get bored soon and go back to your PE teacher idea.

No, this is what I really want to do with my life.

This is what you really, really want?

I haven't really wanted anything this much

since you was going out with Tyler Blaine

and I really wanted him to get run over and die a horrible death

with his head smashed all over the road.

-Aw!

-We've got to build a society of good people.

We've got to end the wars, the hate, the hurt.

Right, but can't you do that by being a PE teacher?

Each baby is a building block.

I'm going to help create excellent babies

and build an excellent society for the future of the planet.

You do realise this planet has seven billion people?

One baby at a time, that's how I'm going to do this, Viva.

One baby at a time.

I wrote up my notes on Bean's day for you.

-Ah, thank you, Rocky.

-I'll see you tomorrow.

I've read his notes. She said "Gah" quite a lot

-and she really doesn't like carrot mash.

-No, no spoilers!

This is great? He really loves his work, doesn't he?

I know what you're doing, Dad. I know exactly what's going on here.

-What?

-It's classic reverse psychology.

You act like you're all delighted that I'm getting engaged to Rocky,

because you think that I'll want to do the opposite.

No, I'm genuinely happy for you.

I thought you'd at least be wanting me to marry someone who's a graduate

or someone with a vocational qualification

and the ability to support a family.

Rocky is Bean's nanny, that's the most important job going.

Right, like you believe that.

You can't manipulate me, Dad.

Don't forget, I study psychology.

I just want you to make your own decisions, like I've always done.

You know, I got engaged at 18.

When that all ended, I got engaged again at 22.

And then when I was 25, I met your mum.

Your life's been a total car crash. Three marriages.

-You want to get engaged, it's up to you.

-Hang on, three marriages?

-You told me two.

-Yeah, I sometimes forget Sue.

Bull-sugar, Rob. Like fudge you can forget a whole wife.

Well, she was quite bland.

If we could bring this back to me and Rocky for a moment please, Dad.

No, we can't! Because me and that ducksucker father of yours

are going to be tracing his entire marital history in detail.

And I'm warning you, you son of a buskett,

I want to see all the documents.

There. Line up your pens, she'll love that.

Quick, here she comes.

-Good pen arrangement.

-Told you.

SAZ SIGHS

So, this lesson's going to be different.

No compass fights, no texting,

no faking a seizure and pretending to die.

I can't help getting texts. These men are crazy for me.

I'm confiscating your phones. Hand them over.

-I'll put them on silent.

-Hand them over or I walk.

-Do you want my phone?

-Yes, please, Amber.

Right...no distractions, let's talk fractions.

AMBER LAUGHS You did a rhyme.

No distractions, let's talk fractions,

even worse than adding and subtractions!

Sorry. Brandon used to get really angry with me for rapping,

but since we're split up, I thought I was free to rap.

I guess not. DOOR OPENS

Oh, my God!

Those people have left their baby.

-Hey!

-It's OK. It's not their baby.

-It's my baby!

-What?!

She's borrowed one of Sophie's babies.

Meet Shalimar! She's six weeks old.

-You're kidding me?!

-Cos I told her how much I wanted a baby

and she said I could practise with hers any time I like.

Don't worry, Saz, Shalimar's really quiet. She'll be...

-BABY WAILS

-No trouble.

BABY WAILS

She's even cute when she's crying.

This is impossible!

Sh. She's settling down now. Look.

Aw, I love her tiny fingers.

I know! Do you like her, Holli?

-She's all right.

-Look, smell her head.

No! I don't want to smell her head.

-Or any part of her.

-You're mean!

-That is mean, Saz.

You two are saying I'm mean?!

-It wouldn't hurt you to smell her head.

-I'm trying to help you.

Calm down, Saz, you'll upset Shalimar.

I don't care about Shalimar.

I just want to help you with your maths.

Wait. How come you've got your phones?

-Had to do a bit of urgent texting.

-How are you even doing that?

Trained myself. I'm completely ambi-texterous.

-The word's ambidextrous.

-No, she's invented a word.

You can't just go round inventing words, it's illegal.

They have to start somewhere, Saz.

-So you just took the phones out of my bag?

-Yep.

-That's it, I've had enough. I'm resigning.

-Resigning?

From being her maths tutor. No-one listens to me!

No-one values my time! No-one cares about maths!

And Holli's got two boyfriends and I haven't even got one!

-Saz, wait...

-No!

The two boyfriend thing is a bit greedy.

Want to go and get chips?

-I'm just...just working.

-What on?

What you looking up nannies' wages for?

Rocky's decided that he wants to be a nanny as a career

and I'm just...interested in his earning potential.

Shouldn't you two be revising for your mock?

We've done our mock, we're having a rest.

You'd break off the engagement

-cos he's not going to be rich enough?

-No!

That would be really shallow.

-I'm really shallow. I only like people with dimples.

-You like us.

I make an exception for people I've known a long time,

before my dimple rule came in.

-Hey.

-I'd break it off if I was you.

-You only got engaged to him out of pity.

-Not true.

Come on, you was going to say "No"

till he looked like he was going to cry.

-No, I realised how much I love him.

-Feeling sorry for someone isn't a good basis for a marriage.

Oh, relationship advice from Holli Vavasour, the expert on boys.

How are your two boyfriends, Holli?

Enjoying being lied to and cheated on?

They seem to be loving it if this text is anything to go by.

Oh!

That's dirty!

Really dirty!

You really did that?

Yep, behind the back row of screen two,

just as Keira Knightley discovered that R-Patz

was a millionaire businessman and not a one-legged tramp.

-So...how did your mock go?

-We haven't found out yet.

-Bet it went shit.

-Saz!

-What?! I'm pissed off!

Don't you two realise there are girls in other countries

prepared to get their heads half blown off for the chance to be educated?

Totally wasted on you.

Bet you can't think of a single thing you've learned, can you?

Thought not.

I'm sure you can think of lots of things.

OK, I'm going to go, too. See you guys later.

I know. Red blood cells are the only cells in the human body

without a nucleus!

I knew I learned something!

You could be a doctor.

I fucking hate ill people.

GIRL SOBS

SOBBING CONTINUES

Amber, is that you?

Go away!

SOBBING CONTINUES

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

-Come out.

-No!

I've got a mint Kit-Kat you can have.

LATCH OPENS

We got our scores back from Bitchcock.

She yelled at us for 23 minutes.

She only stopped because her voice went croaky.

-GIRL SOBS

-Who's that?

-Holli.

Crying? Holli...crying?!

Bitchcock broke Holli.

Holli, are you all right?

Fuck off, you horrible cow!

I don't think she fully broke Holli.

I'm not crying cos of Bitchcock.

Wasn't you? I was.

Why was you crying, then?

This came.

-Prison paper!

-It's from her dad.

His writing is so squiggly.

"Dear, Holli. I can't wait to be with my family again.

"I'm so proud of you Holli for everything you've done,

"especially helping Mum

"and especially staying on at school to get some..."

I think that word's supposed to be "qualifications".

"Love you always and see you soon, clever girl. From your dad."

Oh, my God!

I know, it's like he's never heard of commas and full stops.

-HOLLI SOBS

-I really wanted to make him proud.

He will be proud.

You'll be the only girl scaffolder in the world.

LATCH OPENS

I think there's one in Leeds...

-Saz, I really want to pass my maths now.

-So do I!

It looks like, this time, you really would take it seriously.

We would.

We really would.

Pity we'll never find out because I'm not helping you -

you mucked around too much last time.

So...4.30. Bean's asleep,

Jamie's at band practice and I'm all yours.

-We need to talk.

-Oh, sounds bad.

-What's all this on the floor?

I done a trail of rose petals to the bedroom.

-That's really cute.

-I know, and a little bit sexy, right?

But we still need to talk.

I love you...but I'm worried about the future

-and I don't want you to be a

-nanny. What?!

I mean long-term. I don't want you to be a nanny.

Viva, everything will work out so long as we love each other.

Please stop quoting my dad. My dad's an idiot.

My dad screwed up so many times.

No, I can't let you talk about Rob like that.

DOORBELL

-Surprise!

-Amber.

Sophie's letting me borrow all three now. Aren't they lovely?

If she had a ginger one, she'd have one of every race.

Amber, ginger people aren't a race.

Um, can we come in? Sophie asked me to look after them

while she gets some Islamic symbols hennaed onto her arms.

Rocky's here so...

Yeah, sure, come in.

Hi, Rocky. What's all this on the floor?

I done a trail of rose petals to the bedroom.

Ah, that is cute!

-And a little bit sexy.

-I know.

-Where's he going?

-Oh, he's following the trail of flowers.

Luca, no! You can't eat the flowers

No!

Well, too late. Luca, no, not in there!

That's the baby's. BABY WAILS

-Oh, well, too late.

-I'd better go and get Bean.

Is this really your life's ambition? Herding babies all day?

I'm not herding babies, I'm herding...future citizens.

BABY CRIES

Rocky? Another future citizen has woken up.

SHE GROWLS

I expected the guys to think me being a nanny was a big joke, not you.

I don't think it's a joke!

When I think about us trying to live off your teeny-weeny earnings,

I actually get tears in my eyes.

So this is about expensive gear,

cos I won't be able to afford to get you designer handbags.

You won't even be able to afford to get me designer fish fingers.

I never knew you was so stuck up!

I just want you to have a bit of ambition, Rocky!

And not throw yourself away on being a nanny.

You know what? if I'm not good enough for you,

why don't you just dump me? Again.

Yeah, we're going to go.

I don't want to dump you, I just wish you never dropped out.

-You said you didn't mind!

-I didn't think you'd actually do it!

We've had a lovely day. Come on, Luca.

-You could've been anything that you wanted.

-Viva, this is what I want.

Being with you, looking after Bean!

BIRDSONG

You're the one who keeps bringing it up! Maybe you want me to dump you.

-No.

-I do psychology, I know this stuff.

Yeah, on paper. In real life, you're dumber than me!

BABY LAUGHS

BABY LAUGHS

Where's Bean?

BABY GURGLES

BABY CRIES

LINE RINGS

It's ringing.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Amber's phone, Saz speaking.

Saz, are you with Amber?

-I'm at the bus stop.

-Where's Amber?

-I don't know.

How come you've got Amber's phone?

I've had it since the other day in the cafe,

I keep forgetting to give it back.

-Hello?

-LINE DROPS

-Hello?

-Amber hasn't got her phone.

So we put Tallulah in Bean's buggy

and head straight out and look for Amber.

I'm really scared, Rocky. I don't even know where Sophie lives.

-It's OK. She's with Amber.

-Why do you think I'm so scared?!

-DOOR OPENS

-What a day!

Turns out Mr Bartlett's been fudging Miss Dickens, Miss McIntosh

-and

-Mr Clover.

I'm the only core team member he hasn't been fudging

I mean, I don't want him to fudge me,

but he's never even tried.

Me and Rocky thought we'd take Bean for a walk, give you a break.

I want a cuddle with my baby girl.

Why don't you put your feet up. Get you a glass of wine?

-Good idea...but have a cuddle first.

-I'll give you a cuddle.

Rocky, give me my baby.

-Who the fuck is this fucker?

-Anna...

What the fuck's going on?! Where the fuck's my baby?!

-There was a mix-up. Amber visited.

-Where's my baby?!

Bean's safe. She's with Amber. Amber got the babies muddled up.

Get rid of this one! Take it out and bring my one back now!

Sorry, Anna.

And when you come back, you're fucking fired,

you dumb fucking fucktard!

So you must be pleased that Rocky got fired?

Of course I'm not pleased, it's really bad.

He did the lip wobble thing that makes my chest hurt.

Yeah, but you didn't want him to be a nanny and now he's not.

I know, but I didn't want him to get fired.

It wasn't even his fault.

Whose fault was it?

Yours.

AMBER LAUGHS No...really?

-Yours.

-Hmm, not really.

All right? Me and Saz had a chat yesterday.

-Saz says she'll tutor us in maths.

-Really?

-What made you change your mind.

-I believe now that they'd work hard.

Also I worked out a way to make it really fun.

For me, obviously, not them.

-BOTH:

-Five times three is 15.

Six times three is 18.

Seven times three is 21.

-Eight times three is...

-BOTH MUMBLE

-25?

-25?

-How dare you say 25!

-24?

Hands out.

24! No more mistakes!

Sit up straight. Straight!

I said 24. How come I got whacked?

Hands out.

No answering back!

-SAZ LAUGHS

-Maybe I should be a teacher.

So he's not a nanny any more. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?

Yeah. Now he's borderline suicidal, exactly what I wanted.

All right, love? Did she go down OK?

It's really hard getting her off to sleep without the frog.

Yeah, I know. Squeaky Pig doesn't cut the mustard.

I just don't seem to have Rocky's knack.

Please give him his job back, Anna. Please! It wasn't his fault.

It was my fault. I let Amber in. Amber's my friend.

No, Viva, it was on Rocky's watch. He has to take responsibility.

There's nothing left to say, Rocky, you fudged up big time.

I just wanted to bring this back.

Froggie! Where was it?

I retraced every inch of my footsteps with Bean that day.

I looked under every bush, in every bin.

I asked every person I saw on the route.

Just get to the fudging point, where was it?

I worked out it was at the community centre.

There's an AA meeting there after Baby Club.

I tracked down all of the alcoholics who was at that meeting

and turned out that Hairy Janet had got Froggie.

Hairy Janet.

I washed it, obviously. I had to give her a tenner.

-She claimed it was her higher power.

-BABY CRIES

Oh, go on, Rocky, get her settled.

I'm not saying I'm giving your job back though.

Please give him another chance, Anna.

Rocky...you can have your old job back.

Rob! I was going to give him his job back,

just after I'd tortured him for a bit.

Now it makes it look like you're the nice one.

He'll make a great husband.

Right, you can stop with the reverse psychology now, Dad. I get it.

I've told you before, I mean it.

The scary thing is, I think you've actually succeeded.

I'm starting to wonder am I doing the right thing

by getting engaged at this point in my life.

Jesus! You can't break up with him now,

it would really fudge up Bean's routine.

Viva, I wasn't doing reverse psychology,

-I was genuinely pleased the whole time.

-Really?

Fudge biscuits! I think I might be having doubts.

Oh, don't worry - if you're anything like your dad,

Rocky'll be out of the picture in a couple of years,

you'll be on to the next one.

So if Sophie had a baby every nine months for the next seven years...

-Could happen.

-..how many babies will that be altogether?

Including Luca, Tallulah and Shalimar?

Seven years. 12 months in a year. Seven times 12.

Seven times 12, Amber?

-84. 84?

-She'd have 12 kids altogether

-and be three months pregnant with the next one.

-Correct!

One chocolate button for you.

-Correct? Fuck me!

-I prefer the chocolate button system

to the getting-hit-with-a-stick system.

Three babies, three different fathers.

-How would that be expressed as a ratio, Amber?

-Three...

Dot on top of dot...three.

-Correct!

-And one chocolate button for you.

Oh!

And can I have one for Nigel?

# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try, really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I can't change

# But maybe it's all right

# This is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #