Episode 4 Some Girls

This programme contains some strong language.

Got to be faster than that. You'll learn, kid.

Got another tenner for my savings.

Are you going to have enough to get your mum's jewellery back from the

-pawn shop?

-I'm getting close now. I've got three weeks till my dad

comes out of prison. Got to do it before then.

Why worry? When he comes out, he can just steal her some more.

Saz! Stop winding her up on purpose.

-I'm not winding her up. He can, can't he?

-It's OK.

Old Holli would have mashed her face, but new Holli just floats along,

-taking it all in her stride.

-Why? Has new Holli been taking old Holli's

mum's tranquillisers?

-You are very calm.

-I dunno. I'm maturing, I guess.

-Plus, I'm getting a lot of sex now.

-Is that your sister?

Yeah. That's Topaz.

Her boyfriend came to his senses and kicked her out.

-She moved back home?

-Yeah. My mum forced me to get a lift off her.

-I did not want a lift off her.

-Do you want a lift home later?

No, I don't want a lift home later.

It's no trouble - I've got the day off.

Yeah, but you slept with my boyfriend, so I don't like you.

Oh, come on, Ambie, that was 18 months ago.

Shall I pick you up at four?

I'd rather swim home through diarrhoea

than get a lift home with you.

I'd rather...

..rather...

..swim home through diarrhoea, like I said.

I wouldn't mind a lift...if you're in the area.

Well, why don't I give you all a lift?

I am really sorry about that thing that happened with Brandon.

-It wasn't a thing. You were the thing.

-Come on, Amber.

See you at 4pm.

You know, Amber - sometimes we hold on to anger and pain for too long.

The toxic energy of hating Topaz is really very bad for you.

It's dragging you down, Amber. It's time to let it go.

I'll let it go when she un-fucks my boyfriend.

I want to talk to you today about ambition.

Who has an ambition they'd like to share with the rest of us?

-Amber?

-I'm going to be a judge.

You would like to be a judge.

That is a wonderful ambition, Amber.

If you work hard, anything is possible.

I'm going to be a judge on X Factor like Cheryl Cole, and have people

do my hair and get people giving me free stuff just for being pretty.

Yeah, thank you, Amber. I'm so inspired to see

all of your faces shining up at me.

Blank pages on which your story is not yet written.

You are the authors of your own stories.

Where is your story going? Who will you be?

Yes, Amber?

Cheryl Cole, like I said.

Thank you, Amber.

Now, I've got some exciting news for you.

Greenshoots Academy is being considered

for the Educating Yorkshire treatment.

Yes, we're down to the last three schools,

and a small TV team will be here

to shoot a bit of footage,

as they call it,

to give the big cheeses at Channel 4 a taste

of our dynamic Greenshoots flavour.

So no showing off.

Just carry on as normal.

Thank you, Mr Jefferies.

I think it's highly unlikely they'll choose us but,

just in case, try not to stab anyone in the face

with your biro on camera, Isaac Dawson.

-I haven't finished.

-Oh, sorry.

I want to talk to you about my ambitions.

When I was a young boy, it was my ambition to be a dancer.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, I wanted to be Nureyev.

People laughed at me.

My life took a different turn, as you know,

and I left my dancing dreams behind me.

-Until now.

-Oh, no.

Miss Hitchcock, shall we?

-Shall we what?

-Shall we dance, of course?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-What are you doing?

-I'm being the author of my own story.

-What an arsehole.

-Mr Jefferies has been under a lot of strain recently.

Greg dumped him after seven years together.

-He needs a new focus in life.

-Is being principal of an inner city

school with a dodgy Ofsted

-rating not enough of a focus?

-He's in a bad place at the moment.

-He's this close to jacking it in.

-How do you know all this, Holli?

He poured his heart out to me when I was helping him cut up Greg's suits.

-You didn't go to his house?!

-No, he brought the suits into school because

he didn't have any sharp scissors at home.

Sounds like Mr J is having a breakdown.

That's why we've got to help him. He's done so much for me.

Getting Greenshoots onto that telly programme could be my way

-of thanking him.

-What even is it? I've never seen it.

It's this thing on Channel 4 where they film for months in

real life schools and find really interesting pupils and teachers and

-tell their stories.

-How can you not have seen it?

My parents only let us watch the Discovery Channel.

I don't think they'd let us watch that if they saw the filth

those gibbons get up to.

-It's like a porn channel for gibbons.

-Forget it, girls.

-There's no way we'll get chosen.

-I think Greenshoots could win.

We've got no chance.

The other two schools on the short list are South Road High

and Archbishop Green.

One's got a 12-year-old genius who builds robots for fun

and the other's got identical twin hunchbacks.

What's Greenshoots got?

Just a shit-load of bog-standard average kids.

There's no-one special or deformed.

Just boring.

Well...Jade's pregnant with Mr Edwards' baby.

Oh...hang on...

..no, that's a big secret...

No, she isn't pregnant.

Fudging heck!

She's on form, at the moment.

We'll just keep a lid on this till after the St Thomas's match.

There's still some pizza left if you want some, Anna.

I've got no appetite for food, but can you keep the boxes, though?

Yeah.

Why do you want the boxes?

What's the matter with her? Is this about the TV show?

No, my dad's been chosen to feature on a charity calendar of firemen.

-Naked?

-I'm not sure.

Anna won't let the calendar in the house.

It's so silly. Jealousy is such a destructive emotion.

I don't want other women looking at my man! Drooling over his pecs!

Yep...it's naked...

And potentially touching themselves, even if it is for charity.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, that'll be Topaz.

-Topaz? Huh?

Can you get that, Holli?

Listen, hun - this fight with Topaz has gone on for too long.

Yeah, I know she betrayed you, but she's your sister

and she's the only one you've got.

Hey, everyone!

Sorry I'm late. These eyelashes are time consuming.

Worth it, though.

If eyes are the windows to the soul,

eyelashes are the curtains.

They are. Think about it, that's quite deep, actually.

Thanks for coming, Topaz.

I've been speaking to Amber about the pair of you making up

and Amber's ready.

Almost ready to move on.

No, I'm not ready at all.

She only wants to be friends with me because she's got no friends left

because she slept with all their boyfriends

-and now they all hate her.

-Ha-ha! That is not true!

Look, I brought you all some freebies from the salon.

"Luxury Fruit Body Butter"

Ooh.

This smells so lovely.

It's really nice, Topaz. Look, Amber - free stuff.

Trying to buy me off. Typical.

Look, please just listen to me, Ambie Wambie,

I know I did a bad thing.

-You shagged Brandon!

-Yeah, I know, Ambie, but I'm really sorry.

I just, just really want my sister back.

Oh, go on, Amber, forgive her. Put the past behind you.

I will do anything to make it all right with you.

Can you arrange for me to get free hair extensions?

I want Russian virgin hair down to my belly button.

Like a mermaid's hair.

Well, say I did arrange some extensions,

can the five of us go clubbing this weekend and hang out?

That would be really nice, wouldn't it, Amber?

If I get the free hair extensions,

it might be OK.

Anything for my baby sister.

I can't believe I'm getting free hair extensions done!

Oooh!

Well done, Amber. Forgiveness is the sign of a mature mind.

What happened? What did I miss?

Topaz bought Amber off.

Topaz, this is my boyfriend, Rocky.

Pizza night - awesome!

Rocky? Are you named after that film?

Nah, some olden days footballer, Romario.

Romario.

That...is a beautiful name.

Ooh, and it suits you.

It's very sexual.

When can I come and get the hair extensions done, Topaz?

Yeah, any time you like. I work in a beauty salon, Romario.

Can I just say, you have got great hair.

Oh, it's really thick. So much natural movement.

Oh, and aren't you muscly?

Really hard.

Are you this hard all over?

Can I definitely get the real hair extensions?

Just pop into the salon for a free cut and blow any time, Romario.

I would love to work with your hair.

Cheers, OK. Where is it?

It's on the high street, near Matt's Tatt Shack.

I know Matt's. Got my ink done in there.

SHE GASPS Oh...

Look at that, Topaz.

You see what it says?

"Viva forever."

I love men with tattoos.

Or without. She's not fussy.

Wow, it's getting so late.

No, it's not.

I actually got my own tattoo done in there.

Do you want to see it?

Yeah.

What do you think?

Nice! Matt's very skilled.

Well, I designed it myself.

Matt loved it. He said it was like a Banksy on a bottom.

You can take a picture, if you like.

Put your phone away, Rocky.

My next one is going to be on my back

and its going to be a snake with the head of a dragon.

Oh, self-portrait?

-Sorry, what?

-Get out.

Get your winking arse out of my flat.

Ambie. Ambie, she's pushing me.

Come on, Topaz.

I think you over-reacted a bit there.

You were going to take a picture of her arse.

I'm interested in tattoos.

Oh, yeah, I forgot that you were the professor of tattoo-ology

at the University of Buttocks!

Oh, wait, are you jealous?

We're supposed to be engaged!

By the way, Topaz,

Me and Rocky are engaged, in case you didn't know.

Maybe I should go.

Maybe you should.

Call me when you've stopped acting...

crazy.

You're trying too hard, Mr Jefferies. Just be yourself...

except a bit less gay.

We've got no chance if Mr Jefferies keeps behaving like a big wanker.

I know. He just needs to let them see what a caring person he really is.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Enter.

So I'll be leaving Greenshoots soon, Mr J.

True. Last few weeks.

And I want to say thank you for everything you've done

for me for the last seven years.

-Do you think I'm fat?

-Eh?

-Greg does, apparently.

-I bet he doesn't.

He does or why would he call me Mr Chubbs?

It's just one of them things people say.

Like I say to my sister, "Shut it, bitchface!"

But I don't mean it nasty.

I think he does mean it nastily, though.

He's been putting up unflattering pictures of me on his Facebook,

ones he promised he'd deleted...

naked ones.

I expect you're too busy running a really epic school

to care what that little shit does.

He's met someone else.

Some young, thin, energetic 25-year-old with lots of hair.

Curly hair.

So much hair...

Yeah?

Like I said, Mr J, you're an awesome headmaster,

and being a headmaster is all you really care about, right?

HE STARTS SOBBING

Remember when I was being bullied cos my dad was inside

and you crushed the bullies?

Remember all the times when I was naughty and you sorted it

and calmed me down? And thanks to you, I stayed on to Sixth Form

like I never thought I would do

and maybe I've even passed some of my exams.

HE SOBS LOUDER

Thanks to you.

Shall I come back later?

Sorry, I'm being so unprofessional.

It's all right, sir. You're only human.

Exactly!

I'm a human being...

so why does he treat me like an animal?

Hi, Amber.

Thanks to you, Topaz ain't doing my free hair extensions no more.

Really? But she said she would.

But you shoved her last night in front of everyone,

so now she's changed her mind.

She was coming on to my boyfriend in my flat.

You knew she was the type of girl who sleeps with other girls'

boyfriends, but you still invited her round, which was dumb.

It was dumb. You invited the serpent into your nest.

You shouldn't be surprised it tried to eat your eggs.

I didn't expect the serpent to get its bum out.

Oh, Topaz always gets her bum out.

Quite often, she gets her boobs out.

Once, she stripped completely naked and did a headstand.

That's why she's banned from Primark.

Did she say anything about Rocky?

Yeah, she said he was one smoking hot hunk of boy biscuit

and she didn't know what a cute little man muffin like Rocky

was doing with a little Miss Boring Tits like you.

What?!

She called me "Little Miss Boring Tits"!

I can't believe what a bitch she is.

The toxic energy of hating Topaz is really very bad for you, Viva.

She's so much more evil than I realised.

I really wanted hair extensions, Viva. I've wanted them all my life.

I was going to get real human hair

-harvested from the head of a real Russian.

-I know.

I think those hair extensions might be the only thing that can

finally help me mend the pain in my heart from losing Brandon.

I guess we'll never know.

Well, Topaz did say she'd still do my extensions like she promised...

if you go and apologise to her.

What?!

No. No way. She shoved her bum in my boyfriend's face!

She tried to steal my fiance!

And let's not forget, she shagged Brandon.

You're right...

..but forgiveness is the sign of a mature mind,

so if you could just say sorry, Viva.

Amber, are you really asking me

to apologise to your slimy toad-bitch of a sister?

Yes, please, and if you can do it today, please,

so I can get the extensions done before the weekend.

-Saz, you and me are having a fight later.

-What? Why?

Cos I need the telly people to realise

that Mr J isn't a total knob.

And why would they think that?

Cos he's been sobbing in his office.

Greg's hooked up with someone else.

Aw, poor Mr Jefferies!

He needs to show that he's a good teacher, not just a cry-baby.

So if me and Saz fight in front of him...

-When you say "fight"...

-..he'll have to step in.

-It could work.

-Yeah, and it'll be a good laugh to kick off...

-Like the old days.

-When you say "kick off"...

Just slag each other off a bit.

I can do that. Hey, Holli, you twat fuck...

Saz, not yet!

Just getting warmed up.

Once a weirdo, always a weirdo, even your friends don't like you.

My friends like me.

Nope, they just pretend so you'll keep helping them

with their homework. (Not really.)

As soon as you leave this school, you'll have no-one who's your friend.

I'll have all the new friends I'll make at uni.

It won't make any difference,

cos you can't escape who you are, Saz.

And who you are is a giant weirdo.

Really? Well, I dunno why you bothered taking any exams.

You're obviously not going to pass any.

No, don't bother coming to pick up your stuff cos I've burnt it all.

Yes, including your hideous cuff link collection

and your boxers signed by Kylie.

And when your dad comes out of prison,

he can train you up to be a criminal.

Don't talk about my dad!

Why not, what's he going to do? Come after me?

Oh, no, wait, he can't, he's locked up.

Seriously Saz, leave my dad out of this.

I wonder how long he'll be free till he goes back to his life of crime.

A week? A day?

LOUD SMACK

Ow!

That was too rough, Holli!

You didn't say you were really going to hurt me.

I said don't talk about my dad!

How much are you paying him?

If he actually exists.

Well, I hope he likes men who are pathetic,

self-obsessed little weasels.

Good, just as well.

No, I've flushed them all down the toilet.

I hate tropical fish!

Yes, even Elton, hah!

Greg?

Greg?

-Holli Vavasour?

-Go away.

-Can we have a chat?

-How did you know I was in here?

I didn't. I've been to 11 other cupboards.

You wish you'd permanently excluded me, now, don't you?

Holli, I've seen the film of the incident with Saz.

-Is she OK?

-Yes.

She said she sort of understood,

said she's learnt a lot from watching gibbons interact.

There's no excuse. I lost it, Mr Jefferies.

Can we talk about your dad?

I don't want to.

I know he's getting out soon.

I really don't want to talk about it.

You can't control what he does, Holli.

If he goes back to crime, that decision is down to him.

I worry about it all the time.

You can't take that on your shoulders, Holli.

Whatever he does or doesn't do is not your fault.

You know what is your fault, though?

When you slapped Saz round the face cos you lost your temper again.

Sorry.

Saz has begged me not to exclude you.

-Has she?

-And she's begged me to let you go to Leavers' Prom.

Has she?

So you're getting off very lightly.

But...

I do want you to write me an essay about why it's always wrong

to sort out our problems with violence.

OK.

Can it be quite short, please?

1,000 words.

I'm not a complete pushover.

Where's the camera crew, Mr Jefferies?

It would've been a good bit for them to film.

I gave them the slip.

I thought this conversation was best kept to the two of us.

Fucking hell, Mr Jefferies, you haven't got a clue, have you?

(No.)

Thanks for doing this, Viva.

It's going to be really hard for me

to pretend your sister isn't a bitch.

I know, but this time tomorrow I'll look like Rapunzel in the fairy-tale

so it'll all be worth you humiliating yourself.

Hi, Topaz.

Well, hello.

Quelle surprise!

Hi, Topaz.

I was just talking about you.

Really?

Yeah, saying what a volatile little madam you are.

What's volatile?

It means moody, flies off the handle like a low class tramp.

Yeah, well, I wanted to say sorry for that.

I was rude to you at my place the other day.

You talked to me proper disgusting.

That's why I'm saying sorry.

Didn't she, Amber? Proper disgusting.

Yeah, proper disgusting.

I think it just got a bit out of hand.

-What are you doing here?

-Getting my hair cut.

Remember, Topaz offered me a free hair cut.

Yeah, right before she showed you her fat arse

like a sex-starved baboon.

Fat arse?

Everyone's made up now, everyone's friends.

You've said sorry, so it's all fine.

I can't believe you actually took her up on the free haircut.

He couldn't keep away from my fat arse, could you, babe?

Come on Amber, let's go. And you, Rocky.

Well, are you coming or not?

Er...

I think I'm going to stay.

You need to learn to take a joke and not be so...

..volatile.

-Suit yourself.

-You're over-reacting again, Viva.

-Don't come, then.

-It's childish.

What, cos I don't like this baboon trying to bully me?

Get out.

Yeah, not nice, is it?

Don't push her, Topaz.

How do you fancy some nice golden highlights?

I don't think so.

You'd look beautiful, noble...

and very, very sexual.

I bet you love that, don't you?

I mean, what man doesn't like having his head played with.

When you going to do my hair extensions?

Brandon used to love me playing with his head, didn't he, Ambie?

Why do we have to hide in here?

I don't want Anna to see,

but look what I found out by the bin area.

-She'd thrown it away?

-Yep.

There he is - July!

Nice.

Keep it, there's loads down there.

I think she's been buying them up and dumping them.

Mental.

So what's happening with Rocky? You going to split up?

I don't know. I've sort of been having doubts about him

-ever since I said I'd marry him.

-I knew it!

But then, when I saw him with Topaz, I got really jealous

and I realised I didn't want to lose him.

-Ever.

-So you're not going to dump him?

But then he went to Topaz's salon behind my back

and I felt really betrayed.

So you are going to dump him. I knew it.

She won't dump him. Will you?

-Are you going to dump him or not, Viva?

-I don't know.

I just...

If he let Topaz cut his hair, then...

I can't really forgive that.

You're seriously going to break up over a haircut?

It's been done before. Samson and Delilah.

Never mind.

A haircut and the fact that he humiliated me twice with that...

I can't even think of the words to describe her.

-Evil cow.

-Yeah, evil cow.

-Nasty bitch.

-Yeah.

-Dirty slut.

-Yes, dirty slut.

Well, don't stop.

DOOR BUZZER

Thanks for what you did with Mr Jefferies earlier.

Yeah.

Well, what I said about your dad...

although factually accurate and in keeping with the role play

I'd been asked to perform...

was probably not something I should've said.

And I shouldn't have hit you because...

hitting people is never a good idea,

though it often feels like it at the time.

-Sounds like you had that all worked out.

-Yeah, I did.

It's the first 17 words of the 1,000-word essay I've got to write

about why hitting people is wrong.

-How many words are you up to?

-20.

What's your other three?

"By Holli Vavasour."

Do you want me to help you out?

Nah, I'll think of something.

Thanks, Saz.

We should probably hug or something.

This is really awkward, isn't it?

Yeah, shall we stop hugging now?

Yeah.

Rapunzel's in the house!

Wow, Amber!

I've just been showing Viva how I can dangle my hair over the balcony

in case any princes want to climb up.

They're the shittest hair extensions I've ever seen.

I feel so princessy.

I hate to say this, Amber,

but when you dangled your hair over the balcony,

-it looks like a pigeon crapped on you.

-Oh!

Never mind, it goes in the washing machine.

So you didn't get Topaz to do the free hair extensions?

Nah, I realised there are more important things in life

than hair extensions.

Like friendship and...

Yeah, friendship is about it.

Thanks, Amber.

I'm never going to pretend I like Topaz ever again.

You three can be my sisters now.

Viva, I need to talk to you alone.

Oh! But I wanted to tell you what I did to Topaz.

I scalped her!

Amber!

Weird few days.

Mmm.

So I've been, like, thinking about our situation

and wondering if we're ready.

Cos if you stick with me,

there will be girls throwing themselves at me, Viva.

I've always attracted that kind of attention from the ladies.

I'm piff. I can't help it.

But you can help it!

You just have to act like you're not attracted to other women

and try not to take pictures of their arses.

OK.

What's that supposed to mean?

-This is about the bum thing, isn't it?

-No!

A bit.

You didn't believe me when I said I was interested in tattoos,

but look.

You really do have lots of pictures of stupid tattoos.

A tiger smoking a pipe.

The devil riding a shark.

A Teletubby with a giant penis.

OK, that one has just ruined my entire childhood.

If I see a weird tattoo, I take a picture of it.

I didn't think about it was on her bum.

I only want your bum.

-Did you let her cut your hair?

-What do you think?

Yay, it's going to be all right! They're kissing!

So we've heard back from the television people

that Greenshoots has not - repeat, not - been chosen

to feature in a television series.

No great surprise there.

They're going with a school that has a pupil who was in the Judo squad

at London 2012 and whose whole family has cancer.

I was disappointed because I wanted the UK to see

how much you are achieving.

It looks like those achievements just weren't that impressive,

especially my sixth form girls' football team,

who have been particularly rubbish this year.

I'd like to thank you all for supporting my efforts.

It's just a shame they weren't good enough.

Actually, Miss Hitchcock, I think our pupils have been fantastic

and every single one of them

is worthy of their own documentary series, as far as I'm concerned.

Sorry, but that is ridiculous.

It was me who let the school down on this occasion and I apologise.

I did not meet the challenge of providing

as caring and dynamic a teaching environment as I should've done.

Yep, you said it. Yes, Holli.

Can I say something?

If you're quick. This is assembly, not group therapy.

I've been thinking about what Mr Jefferies said

about inspiration last week.

I just wanted to say that...

Mr Jefferies is my hero.

Oh, Christ, save the cheesy speeches for Leavers' Assembly.

No, I want to say it now.

Mr Jefferies, you're a great teacher.

Three cheers for Mr Jefferies.

-Hip, hip...

-Hooray.

-Hip, hip...

-Hooray.

-Hip, hip...

-Hooray.

Shit!