Episode 5 Some Girls

# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong But I say it feels all right

# I really do try, really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I can't change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #

This programme contains some strong language

I don't know what I love more -

sweet and sour chicken or sticky barbecue ribs.

Judging by your top, I'd say you love sweet and sour chicken slightly more.

I'm no good with chopsticks.

Just so you know, you've got a noodle on your shoulder.

If no-one's eating the pork balls can I take them home for Prada?

-Sure.

-Prada loves pork balls.

Dangle a reheated pork ball in front of Prada,

she'll be my slave for a week.

It's so generous of your dad to buy us a takeaway.

It's our fee for baby-sitting.

We're baby-sitting? Right now? I didn't even realise.

Is the baby actually here?

If I'd known we were baby-sitting, I would've preferred the cash.

I've only got to save £47 more

and I can buy back my mum's wedding jewellery.

Is it too late to get cash?

Sure, Holli. If you vomit up the beef in black bean sauce

and sell it back to Mr Lu, you can keep the cash.

What's this?

Why've you got my picture in your bag?

It's for a psychology experiment.

With my picture?

Just doing some research to establish if there's any correlation

between ratings for attractiveness and hair colour.

So we get people to rate attractiveness out of ten...

You've been getting people to rate my picture?

Not just your picture. Lots of people's pictures.

-And my picture?

-People have been rating me for hotness out of ten?

-It's for science.

-What score did I get?

-Did people rate my picture?

-What's my score? Did I get a rating?

-Sorry, girls.

-I cannot share my research data from my psychology projects.

-Fuck that!

I'll hold her down while you two go through her bag.

That is highly confidential.

-I can't understand all this.

-Give it to me.

I can't understand all this.

-I'm not moving till you tell us our scores.

-Please tell us, Viva.

You've got to tell us. Imagine if it was you.

You'd want to know your rating.

It's got to be totally confidential

and you've got to promise not to discuss it with anyone at all.

-Not even each other.

-Fine.

I'm not discussing it, but I got a really high score!

-It makes sense. I am blonde.

-Amber!

-8.7. Almost 8.

It's above 8, Amber, and you are discussing it.

No, I'm not discussing it. I'm just telling them what it is.

8.7, by the way.

5.1! 5.1!

That's really low. It's incredibly low. It's so low.

It's an average.

Some of your scores are lower, some of them are higher.

We add them all together and then we...

I know how to calculate an average, Viva!

Then don't read anything into it.

I want to see all the data. Who gave me what rating?

I want a list. In fact, I want to see the original notes.

-Maybe you made a mistake.

-We did not make a mistake.

My project partner, Gabriel Hart, is very thorough.

Oh, no, not Gabriel Hart!

He's nice and now he knows loads and loads of people think I'm ugly.

Oh, Saz, it's not like that.

We're looking at it as scientists. It's just data.

For you, maybe.

For me, it's another nail in the coffin of my lovely boyfriend dream.

And that coffin's already pretty nail-y.

-Got you a muffin.

-I haven't got time to eat a muffin.

-If it helps, I've got time to eat two muffins.

-What you looking for?

I'm looking for a note for my boyfriend system.

I think you're nicer.

-No, you're nicer.

-You've got a system?

Yep, having more than one boy on the go gets really complicated.

All texts are deleted immediately,

so stuff I have to remember I write down on bits of paper.

No names, just blue for Tonka and red for Connor.

-Wow. Complex.

-I suppose, if you're going to deceive two guys,

it's nice to have a special system.

-I'm not deceiving two guys.

-Don't kid yourself, Holli,

you're basically lying and cheating to two nice guys.

Nah, I'm lying and cheating to three nice guys.

-Three?

-What?

-Yeah, I'm up to three now.

That's why my system's breaking down

because I've only got two colour pens.

Now I can't remember whose birthday it is tomorrow. It's one of them.

-It's on a note somewhere.

-Who's the third one?

-When did this start?

-It started last Thursday.

During fifth period when Mr Hughes got us to demo CPR on each other.

-Who is it, Holli?

-Curtis from our PE course.

-Curtis Broome?

-Curtis Broome who's headed towards us right now?

-Yep.

Holli? Was it Curtis who gave you that love bite on your neck.

Really? Shit.

-And what about that one?

-There's another one? Fuck.

-CURTIS:

-All right?

-Yep. You?

-CURTIS:

-You left this at mine. Don't you want it?

-That's handy. You were just saying you were cold.

-Was I?

So, you two!

-CURTIS:

-Yeah. Us two. She did chest compressions on me

and nearly broke my ribs, and I was like, "Yes! I like her!"

So that's the secret of attracting men.

-CURTIS:

-Are we still good for tomorrow? Can't miss my birthday.

It's your birthday.

I mean, it's your birthday! Yeah, we're good.

That is bare saliva-y.

It's putting me right off my muffins.

Eighth out of eight teams! Last!

Holli, you're the captain, how do you explain how shit that was?

I'm tired, Miss.

Yeah, she's got her market job and she's studying for exams

and she's got three boyfriends.

-Three? Holli, how?

-I don't know, Miss.

I seem to be incredibly attractive to the opposite sex.

There's one, Miss.

That's Ting Three.

Ting One and Ting Two don't go to this school.

Oh, that's OK, then.

It's fine to come last in a very important tournament,

because Holli's vagina is out of control.

-She has got a point about Holli's vagina.

-Amber.

Please don't tell me off, Miss, I'm not wearing waterproof mascara.

There was a scout today from Chelsea Ladies,

and, for some reason, they picked you out.

What? I'm much better than her.

Well, maybe it's because I'm blonde and pretty

and look a bit more Chelsea than you.

No, Amber, it's because they thought you played football well.

They didn't realise that that rainbow flick you just did

was a complete fluke and that, in reality, you're pretty shit.

What rainbow flick I did?

When you kicked it up your leg and flicked it over your head.

Oh, you mean when it bounced funny off that dead pigeon onto my leg

and I got a fright and accidentally scored.

Yeah, that. He liked that.

-VIVA:

-Well done, Amber. That's amazing.

-VIVA:

-Imagine if you actually played for Chelsea Ladies.

The trials are on Thursday.

Has the pigeon been invited?

-Hey, Curtis! I've been scouted for Chelsea Ladies.

-CURTIS:

-Nice.

Yet more proof of a universe where blonde people are unfairly rewarded.

Just be happy for her!

OK, I'll try.

Mrs Amber Fabregas. Senora Amber-a Mourinho.

No, sorry. I can't.

-CURTIS:

-I'll wait for you outside the changing room, yeah?

I swear my tongue's getting more muscle-y

since I started dating Curtis.

This is the original data from the experiment like you wanted.

But this is no good. It's just numbers.

It doesn't say who gave me what.

Names and numbers were kept separate for confidentiality.

4! Who gave me a 4! Does everyone think I'm clapped?

No, course not. Clapped would be more of a 3.

Oh, like that person gave me. And that person.

All I'm saying is, now I've been officially identified

as gifted and talented Chelsea material,

-I should be captain of our team.

-I'm the captain.

Has your talent been officially recognised, Holli?

Where's my captain's armband?

If you can't look after the captain's armband,

you don't deserve to be captain.

-You're wearing it under your jacket, aren't you?

-No.

-Give it back.

-No.

Oh, bollocks. I can't fight you. I'm too tired.

It's not so much the sex, it's the cheating.

It's too draining coming up with all these lies.

Hang on. Are you hoping for sympathy?

Someone gave me a 10!

Everyone! I got a 10!

There you go.

So maybe there were some 2s, 3s, 4s and 1s, but there was also a 10.

You never told me someone gave me a 10!

I haven't memorised everyone's individual score.

This changes everything.

There's someone out there who thinks I'm perfect.

Course there is. You're gorgeous.

Yeah, for someone not blonde, you're quite pretty.

But a 10? Out of 10? That's a perfect score.

I've got to find Mr 10 and make him mine.

-But he might be a tosser.

-No, he's my soulmate. I know it.

I need to find him. Viva, you've got to give me the list

of all the names of every single person you and Gabriel asked.

No. It's supposed to be confidential.

Just get me the list.

Ha! Look at Holli.

PHONE BEEPS

Tonka's waiting outside. He thought he'd surprise her.

But Curtis is waiting outside for her as well.

Holli! Wake up!

What's happening?

Curtis and Tonka are both waiting for you outside right now.

-Huh?

-What are you going to do?

-We need to think fast.

Curtis and Tonka are both here. Together?

Outside, waiting for you.

Amber, go and check the window at the back of the loos

and see if we can slip Holli out that way.

Holli could fit through.

But not Holli's boobs.

PHONE BEEPS

That's Connor. Shit, I'm getting really confused.

-I don't know what I arranged with who.

-Oh, Holli.

I knew this slutty behaviour would get you into trouble.

There's no point pretending to have a panic attack.

What will that achieve?

Oh, it's a real panic attack.

Carry on then.

I've never seen you have a real panic attack before.

It's only now I realise how genius your fake ones are.

Try to slow your down your breathing.

It's OK, it's OK, we'll think of something.

Won't you, Viva?

Listen, Holli, if we help you escape from here

do you promise to dump two of them and just keep one boyfriend?

How well do you know Sabina?

A bit. Why?

Right, so, we need to help Holli decide who to dump and who to keep.

-I like them all.

-We know. That's how you got in this mess.

-Just go with your heart, Holli.

-I like them all.

-Go with your gut then.

-I like them all.

Go with your, you know, erotic zones.

I like them all.

Well, I anticipated this,

so I've prepared a useful chart to help Holli make her decision.

I didn't have a picture of Curtis as he's quite recent,

so I've just drawn him.

And in what way is this chart useful?

Well, we suggest qualities

like kindness, good sense of humour, loyalty.

Holli gives them a mark,

we add everything up and work out who's won.

Oh, it's like a secret boyfriend Olympics

they don't even know they're in.

So, what makes a good boyfriend?

-Nice teeth.

-Intelligence.

-Treats you like a princess.

Has the ability to identify birds from their call.

Good in bed, but not a pervert.

-I want a bit of a pervert.

-Perverted in a nice way.

-Doesn't dance like a wanker.

-Doesn't criticise your body, ever,

even if you've eaten three tonnes of chocolate

and your guts look like a big white balloon full of porridge.

-Good fighting skills.

-Nice kisser.

Slow down. I can't write that fast.

Ability to write fast.

-That's a really useful attribute.

-This is going to take bare long.

I anticipated that,

so I've prepared popcorn to help us through.

This is salt. This is sweet.

I don't know which I love more. Salt or sweet.

I'm having both. Salt for main. Sweet for dessert.

Or both at the same time!

Popcorn cocktail!

Mm, is this already a thing

or have I just invented an incredible new recipe?

-Eats up their veg.

-Nice eyes like a puppy.

-Honesty.

-Nice to my family.

-Clean, well-shaped ears.

-Photogenic.

-Strong moral compass.

-Not a one-minute man.

-Organised.

-Heart of gold.

-Good sense of direction.

-Can squat more than me.

Shiny pubes.

Holli, do you promise to do exactly what the chart tells you to do?

Course I will. It's too stressful having three blokes on the go.

Plus, my fanny can't take the pace.

Right, all I need to do is add all this up

and work out exactly how many points each boy scored.

-It's going to take ages.

-It's interesting how you haven't scored

any boy 10 out of 10 for anything.

The highest is Tonka's 9 for his ability

to hold his breath underwater.

-Joint with Connor's 9 for pet care.

-He loves that salamander.

You'd have to think someone was pretty fucking amazing

to give them a 10, right?

God, Saz, you're not just going up to people

-and asking them if they gave you a 10, are you?

-No!

I got Amber to just go up to people and ask them if they gave me a 10.

-These are the only two left.

-So, you really think it's Harry or Omar?

If everyone else has been eliminated, it must be.

So it's either Harry, nerdy boy with all the hair,

or Omar, beautiful Omar who I've had a secret crush on

since he brought a dead squirrel in to show and tell.

You've had a crush on him since primary school?

I never thought I'd have a chance with him.

But what if it's not Omar? What if it's Harry?

Well, there's something sexy about a boy who's team captain.

Even if it is chess team.

So, basically, you like them both. It's a win-win situation.

It's a win-win situation.

But I've lost a win-win situation before, so who knows?

And I see you've changed your Facebook status

to In A Relationship.

Yeah. For the first time ever.

Maybe a bit premature?

One of these boys is going to be a very happy boy.

He thinks of me as a distant and unapproachable 10.

Little does he know...

You're a desperate 3.

Right. So, I've added up all the scores from Holli's boyfriend board

and I can now announce the results.

All the votes have been counted and independently verified.

You have to say that before you announce the winner of anything.

-I used a calculator and...

-Voting is now closed. Don't call now.

Your vote won't be counted, but you may still be charged.

So, who won?

Like I said, I used a calculator

and I did it three times just to be on the safe side.

Who fucking won?

So, Connor got 402.

Tonka got 402.

-And Curtis got 402.

-What?

There's no winner. They all scored the same.

-No! What do I do now?

-It's kind of spooky.

Yeah. Like God wants you to have three boyfriends.

-No, he doesn't.

-How do you know?

-Because lying to three people is obviously wrong.

-Or is it?

-Yes.

-I'm going to keep them all.

No. That's stupid.

It's not stupid. The chart has spoken.

Yeah, and she did promise she'd do what the chart said.

I'll review the situation after next Thursday.

Next Thursday? Your birthday?

Wait. Is this because you want three lots of birthday presents?

No.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, no.

OK.

OK.

Look, there's my picture!

Why is your picture in the newsletter?

"Sixth-Former Amber Dean tells us how she feels

"about being asked to attend a trial for Chelsea Ladies.

"'I feel amazing. It's a shame my mates didn't get picked out,

"'but they just aren't talented enough.'"

You said that about us?

That's bollocks, Amber. You only did that rainbow flick by accident.

Well, I was thinking about it

and, actually, I don't think it was an accident.

-"Amber says her skills are on a..."

-Higher level.

-"..higher level."

I've got to go. Connor wants to meet. He's upset.

Amber, you know you probably won't even get through the trials?

Oh, Sazzy, Sazzy, Sazzy,

what do you know about high-level football?

So, all this time she's been back with my dad,

-she's been seeing other men behind his back.

-Oh.

And not just one, that would be bad enough.

She's been seeing two other men behind my dad's back.

-That's really...

-Two!

They've had their ups and downs,

but I never thought she could do something so low.

-So slutty.

-I wouldn't call it "slutty".

-Really?

Well, how many men would it have to be before it was slutty?

I'd say four. Anything under four I'd just call it fun-loving.

-I know what you're doing, Holli.

-Do you?

You're trying to make me feel better about my slut mother.

Yes. Exactly. Maybe she thought he wouldn't mind that much.

Of course he'd mind. He's got feelings, Holli.

He's not just some heartless moron who doesn't care.

Maybe she thought he wasn't serious about her.

Holli, they've been married, divorced, married again, split up.

I think she knows it's not just some casual fling.

So, it would be OK if it was a casual fling?

But it's not. He's always telling her he loves her.

But thanks, though, for trying to make me feel better.

That's OK.

You know, you're the one good thing I've got in my life, Holli.

I love you.

You gave me a 4? A 4? Seriously? A 4?

What do you know, chess nerd?

The only mating you'll ever do is checkmate.

FYI, you need a hair wash. Your hair smells of compost.

He gave me a 4.

I heard. Everyone heard.

He said I wasn't his type.

If it makes you feel any better, his average score was a 5.6.

5.6? That's 0.5 higher than my average score.

Oh, yeah. I forgot that.

-I really thought it was going to be him.

-Me, too.

Out of the nerdy boy and the good-looking popular boy,

I thought there was no chance that my Mr 10

-would turn out to be the good-looking popular boy.

-Nor me.

-So, it seems as if it's Omar.

-So, what now?

Well, I was thinking, wouldn't it be romantic if,

instead of just asking him out,

if I record myself singing a song for him, and put it on YouTube

and then dedicate it to him and then send him a link to it on Facebook.

Oh, my God, Saz, no.

But why not? Just imagine, one day we would look back on it

and have this beautiful moment where I sang my love to the world.

Or the tragic moment where you end up with 20 million hits

like that boy whose moobs can do the Macarena.

God, Holli, you look terrible.

-I can't sleep.

-It's the guilt.

No, it's usually because there's some bloke trying to shag me.

OK, OK, it's the guilt.

So, dump two boyfriends and you'll feel a lot better.

I'm not dumping two. I'm dumping all three.

-What? But what about the chart?

-The chart's a fool. It was wrong.

-I'm pretty certain it was accurate, I...

-No, not wrong in that way.

-It was wrong of me to do it.

-What? Morally wrong?

If morally wrong means your insides feel bad

like you've eaten a really old pasty, then, yeah, morally wrong.

-Don't you want to just keep one?

-Nope.

Curtis is happy all the time and it gets on my tits.

Tonka's into rugby and he's a bit of a dick, if I'm honest, And Connor...

I can't keep seeing Connor...

Connor said he loved me.

-BOTH:

-Aw!

-No. Shut up. I don't want some bloke who loves me.

Oh, no. Why would you want a relationship

with a genuinely nice person who loves you.

-That would be really weird.

-Maybe that's what you want, but not me.

Holli, maybe I've got this all wrong,

but maybe, maybe,

you're scared of love.

Don't be fucking stupid.

Give us a crisp.

-Nice hair.

-I know. It's for the trials.

-The football trials?

-Yeah. I want to look my best.

-To play football?

-It's tonight.

-Oh, right, good luck.

But you're going to come with me, aren't you? You can all come.

You could pick up some tips

from me and the other gifted and talented higher-level footballers.

Nah, soz, Amber. I've got three blokes to dump.

-I've got a lot of revision to do. Exams and all that.

-Me, too.

Though, let's face it, I pretty much know everything

-I need to know already.

-So you could come?

-Yeah, but I don't want to.

So no-one's coming to support me?

You can make friends with some Chelsea Ladies

who are more your level.

Oh, OK. I'll go on my own, then.

-Who feels shitty?

-We should've gone with her.

-I feel terrible.

It's not too late.

Yeah, we can surprise her, that's friendship.

Still being nice when someone's been a right twat.

She might be so surprised she accidentally scores another goal.

Let's really surprise her. Put it on Facebook.

-Get a load of people to show up.

-Yeah, because, let's face it,

she's shit at football and she's not going to get through.

-She's going to need cheering up.

-Shall I put, "Bring drink?"

Yes, because a couple of cans of peach and vodka's

really going to make everything better.

Why are you saying that like it's not true?

Watching Amber fuck up is more painful than I thought it would be.

-And I thought it would be extremely painful.

-I'm enjoying it.

Oh, shame!

That's your ball, Amber! Get it back off her, Amber!

OK, get back up, Amber!

Oh, my God! What's she doing?

Amber! That's a netball move!

Maybe we shouldn't have invited all her friends.

Too late. Look, it's Curtis.

Shit. It's Curtis.

Saz, don't look now, but Omar's there

and he's all snuggled up to Emma O'Brien.

Why is Omar snuggled up with Emma O'Brien?

Because he's dunking his Twix in her latte.

Oh, God, do you have to be so dirty?

She's not being dirty. He really is dunking his Twix in her latte.

Oh, I thought... Never mind.

-What are you so bothered about Omar for?

-Well, me and Omar...

Don't tell anyone, but Omar likes me.

-Omar likes you?

-What?

-Nothing.

-You better go over, Holli. Curtis is waving.

Ha! She doesn't know it was Omar who gave me a 10.

Well, we think it was.

It's the only logical conclusion. Shall I go ask him?

Is it really a good idea to ask him in public?

Yes, because I want everyone to see me, Saz the Weirdo,

being chosen by a high-status alpha male for his partner.

Not now.

Hey, Holli, what's up?

Thanks for coming. Thanks for bringing drink.

I can't take the drink though, because I'm dumping you.

-What?

-I can't do this any more.

The lying, the cheating, the paying for three phones.

What? Three?

I've got three boyfriends on the go. I'm three-timing you.

I like you, but it's last in, first out. So you're out.

Plus, the way you kiss makes my tongue hurt.

You can't just dump me like that.

I only hooked up with you because I had five ciders.

I'm all right with four. Five and I start to make bad choices.

Please don't do this.

It was after five ciders that I bit our social worker.

But, me and you, we had a connection.

-God, I really do feel bad.

-You feel bad.

Yeah. I feel sick. It's horrible.

I will have to have that beer.

I've dumped Curtis.

He's having another beer.

Yep. I think Holli is going to want another beer, too.

-Yep, I'd say so.

-Why?

-Surprise.

-Huh?

-Hi, Tonka.

-What you doing here?

-You put an event on Facebook.

-For people who know Amber.

-I know Amber.

-Jesus, how can anyone miss from there?

-So what have you been up to?

It's been hard getting hold of you.

Tonka, get off! It's over!

Me and you, it's finished.

-Finished? Why?

-Let's not get into all that.

Well, you've got to tell me why.

It was never really going to work, was it? You're posh, I'm not.

I used to think your face was cute, and, now, I just think it's annoying

and I don't think you wash your area all that often.

Curtis, I know you're angry, but maybe now isn't a good time.

Holli, I wash my... I wash everything every day.

CURTIS: You know she's had three of us on the go, right?

-I never knew you both were going to be here.

-I'm one of three?

CURTIS: Yeah. She's had three different phones sneaking around.

-Three?

-CURTIS: I was coming over here to smack you in the face. Pow!

CURTIS: But, you know what? Now I'm here, I feel sorry for you,

-because you're just another little mug, like me.

-Seriously? Three?

CURTIS: Has he got brain problems or something?

Right, Holli. Walk away. Just walk away.

-What about Omar?

-I think he's busy, Saz.

I'm not having that.

Oi! Did you give me a 10 rating or what?

I guess that's a no, then.

Everyone on that list has said no.

Mr 10 is the invisible man.

I'm going to call Connor now. I'm going to get this over with.

-Are you going to dump him?

-Yeah, I'm all warmed up.

I might as well get all the dumping over with.

Holls, no need to call.

What the fu...

You did ask everyone to meet you here to support Amber.

You're here. I was just going to call you.

Come on, Saz. Let's give them some privacy.

No, not too far. I want to hear what they say.

Am I too late? Are you all right? You look upset.

I'm fine. I... I...

You smell of beer.

-I... I...

-Holli, what is it?

I love you.

Shit. That wasn't meant to happen.

Hit me! I want you to hit me!

I don't think I want to be the captain

of the football team any more.

-You had better have this back.

-Thanks. Sorry about the trial.

If it was done on hair, you definitely would have got in.

Oh, well.

-Shall we get muffins?

-Later, I'm meeting my project partner, Gabriel.

We're finalising our results

from our attractiveness slash hair colour correlation experiment.

-Don't tell me. People rated blondes higher.

-Obviously.

You don't really need to do an experiment to work that out.

Actually redheads came out on top in our sample group.

Though, we think the Dawson triplets may have caused an anomaly.

Oh, my God! I've just worked out how I got my 10.

You felt sorry for me because my scores were so pathetic.

-You put a 10 in there to make me feel better.

-That's not true.

Yeah, it's classic Viva.

Bossy, interfering, thinking you know it all.

No, that is rubbish.

Not your description of me, that actually sounds pretty accurate,

but I would never put in a random 10.

It would've skewed our results.

Well, maybe it wasn't a 10. Maybe it was a 01 upside down.

It was a 10.

Or maybe someone said 10 for a joke and then denied it later.

No, I think people gave very honest ratings.

I know I gave honest scores.

You gave ratings?

-Yeah, course.

-And your project partner?

-Gabriel?

-Gabriel Hart.

Yeah, he gave ratings.

Oh, my God, he gave ratings.

-Hi, Gabriel. You ready to hit the library?

-GABRIEL:

-Yeah, sure.

Oh, I don't think you've met my friends.

-Amber.

-Hi.

-GABRIEL:

-Hi, Amber.

-Holli.

-All right?

-GABRIEL:

-Hello, Holli.

And Saz.

-NERVOUSLY:

-Hello, Saz.

Hello.

# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try, really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I can't change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life, this is my life, this is my life

# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong

-# It's going to be fine

-People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong

# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong

-# It's going to be fine

-People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong. #