Browse content similar to Cromer or Bust. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Postman's Knock... Postman's Knock... | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
Ah, Postman's Knock! | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
See Salesman's Knock, page 22. | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
Salesman's Knock. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
In this advanced version of Postman's Knock, | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
the salesman may ask for more than just a kiss. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
He may possibly... | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
And if he feels that he can... | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Oh, dear, I, er... | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Oh, my word, we'll play that! HE CHUCKLES | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Salesman's Knock, that's a must. There we are. And, now, here we are. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
Pilchards. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:42 | |
Advanced version and adult version of Sardines. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
In which the most extraordinary mix-ups can occur. See frontispiece. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:55 | |
Whose leg is that? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Frank, oh, dear, what a fright, Frank. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
169 Games For Swinging Parties. You randy little stoat. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
Oh. Stoat, perhaps. Little, I grant you. But randy? No. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
Well, perhaps now and again. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
-Still, you wouldn't mind being him, would you? -Mm! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
Or him. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Or even those three. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
Wait a minute, that number of legs doesn't divide by two! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
No, it's for the, er, the party, Saturday, you know. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
You've got your, er, invitation? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Yeah, I got it this morning, thanks. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:39 | |
"At home. Bring a bottle." It didn't say it was an orgy. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
I know. but who can tell where things will go with | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
a house full of young and attractive people like you and me, hey? | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
Well, you're young and I'm attractive. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Well, things won't go at all with your mother around. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Ah! But she won't be around, you see. It's their wedding anniversary. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
So I've given them a present of a British Rail winter break weekend | 0:02:56 | 0:03:01 | |
-in Cromer where they had their honeymoon. -Cromer? | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
Second honeymoon. Irresistible. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
But it's February. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:09 | |
Well, the aquarium might be closed, true. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
Well, I mean, at least Father's nose won't get blistered. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
It's on the east coast! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
I mean, the wind comes straight up the Steppes of Asia. They'll die. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
They can stay in the hotel, can't they? There's a sauna there. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
Father can have a massage. For old time's sake. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
-That'll kill him even quicker. -Then it's worth it. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
I've ordered a barrel of beer. Trusty old Ten X. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
Pint of that and I'm anybody's. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
Two pints and you're nobody's! | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
Nobody's fool, Frank. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
Just think, just think. We'll have all our friends there. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
The coats in the front bedroom, I thought. Cider cup in the kitchen. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
Smoochy music, you know. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:43 | |
Everly Brothers, Dennis Lotis, something like that. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
Crepe crimson paper over the lights. Almost total darkness. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
-And Veronica Straddles. -Now, wait a minute. -Oh, come on! | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
I can read you like a book. Yeah, a book of adult games too. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:58 | |
All you're after is getting Veronica Straddles in the cupboard | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
while the rest of us count up to a million. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
I happen to think that Veronica Straddles, if you're interested, | 0:04:04 | 0:04:08 | |
is a very nice, thinking sort of girl. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
Her IQ's three less than her chest measurement. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
She's a delicious, lovely girl with a faraway look in her eyes. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
Yeah, she's trying to see where her chest stops. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Oh, please, Frank! Goodness. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Hey. Which one of these is the postman? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
The one being bitten by the dog. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
Well, I'll be there. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:29 | |
But if your mother ever finds out | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
there's a chance of you enjoying yourself... | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
Look, she won't find out, don't you see? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
All the RSVPs are coming to the library. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
The food I shall organise after they've gone. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
The beer arrives at midday. It is foolproof. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Famous Last Words. Now, who put that there? | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
HE TAKES RASPING BREATHS | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
Please don't make that breathing noise, Sidney. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
-It's only me breathing. -Do you have to? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
I was breathi... | 0:05:06 | 0:05:07 | |
-I was breathing when we first met. -That day? Huh! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
To think that Captain Bostock was about to propose to me. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
Ah, what a husband he'd have made. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Pity he didn't. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
You'd have no trouble with breathing there. He's dead. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
-He's still more lively than you are. -Fair enough. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
DOOR SHUTS Hello! | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Oh, here he is at last. Is that you, Timothy? | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
-Yes, it is, Mummikins! -Mummikins? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
-What's going on? -He's been much too nice the last few days. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:41 | |
-Have you wiped your feet? -Yes, Mother. Wiped my feet. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
Nose newly blown. Fingernails scrubbed. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
Hah. I can't vouch for my belly button. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
There's no need to be lavatorial. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Lavatorial? Belly button, Mother? You must know something I don't. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
It's the lowest form of wit. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
Are we having the junket again? Or has the National Trust taken it over? | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
A lot of sweat went into that junket. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
Ah, that's what it was, was it? I didn't... | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Yum-yum, Mummikins, lovely lunch. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Junket notwithstanding. Who's a sweet mummy? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
Why are you sucking up to me, Timothy? | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
-You're so unlike yourself. -I am not a bit unlike myself. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
I'm identical to myself. This is me, isn't it? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Do try to be adult, please, Timothy. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
Sorry, Mother. Mummikins, I mean. Hah. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
Oh, dear. Well. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
Do you know what, I was reading a book today in the library. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
Very interesting. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Which said that Cromer has the most invigorating February climate | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
in the whole of Eastern Europe, yes. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
From a sunshine point of view, it knocks Bratislava into a cocked hat. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:52 | |
Do you know, going east from Cromer, | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
-the next bit of high land is the Urals. -Be quiet, Sidney! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
-Other people want to talk sometimes. -Fair enough. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:04 | |
I'm afraid I've been thinking about Cromer. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
Your father doesn't want to go. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
-Why not? Why not, Father? -Why not what? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
-You don't want to go to Cromer, do you? -Don't I? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
It's his knee. And the wind. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
He's got his charcoal biscuits, I mean, what's... | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
-No! The east wind! -Oh, I see. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
-PHONE RINGS -Who can that be? | 0:07:21 | 0:07:22 | |
-The east wind, Mother? That is the warm one, you know. -Don't be silly. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:27 | |
Why don't you want to go, it's a present, a treat from me? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
Second honeymoon. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
To tell the truth, Timothy, the first one was no great shakes. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
What do you mean? Consummation-wise? Or otherwise-wise? | 0:07:38 | 0:07:42 | |
I mean, what do you mean? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:43 | |
There was barbed wire all over the front. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
Mother's front? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
No, the prom. Hitler swept into Europe. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
Well, he won't be doing that this time. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
That was the phoney war, of course, | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
before your mother really got stuck into me. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
Funny thing, you know, honeymoon hotel, down there, | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
in the refuge room, sitting there in the dark, holding hands. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
-Kissing and cuddling. -What, in a gas mask? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
Well. Cromer is totally out of the question. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
That was your sister on the telephone. Yet another bombshell. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:17 | |
-She's not talking to her husband. -Oh, well, they're always not talking. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:22 | |
There's never a time when they're not not talking. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
They like doing things together, don't they? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
Now they're not talking together, so, there. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
Trust you to take her part. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
Now, mind out, it's hot. The plate, not the food. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
Oh. Hah! | 0:08:34 | 0:08:35 | |
The plate. Well, it's a start, I suppose. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
-I'm sorry. Lovely, lovely, yum-yum, Mummikins. -Don't mummikins me! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:42 | |
I'm not going anywhere when my daughter needs me. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
Mother, your daughter doesn't need you. She can come here, stay with me. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
I'll look after her. She can help with the refreshments. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
-Refreshments, the mints, for the party. -What party? | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
Well... The... Social Democrat Party, Mother. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
The middle-of-the-road party, dear. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Having a party in the middle of the road, I'm certainly not going. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
-Are your insides working properly? -Mother, you have to go to Cromer. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:13 | |
Please, for my sake. I mean, it's the queen of the Norfolk Riviera. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:18 | |
You know. They've even got a digital floral clock. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
The last time I left you and Muriel together, | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
you took off your bus conductor outfits | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
and ran round the garden in your birthday suits. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Well, that's 30-odd years ago, mother. We won't be doing that now. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:33 | |
Good heavens, we know all about the human body now. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Well, Muriel does, I've got a rough idea. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
Cromer's such a long way. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
I have a surprise for you, Mother! To speed you on your way. A present. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:47 | |
Your food's on the table. Is nothing sacred? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
Mother, there we are. Now, look at this. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
Happy anniversary, Mother! | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
-And, of course, to you, Father. -Mind the junket! -Never mind. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
What do you think, Mother? Never mind the junket. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
Is it a video game? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
Mother, it's a foot scraper. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
You put your foot in there, you see, and you scrape. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Not on the table, Timothy, please. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
-No other house in the road has got a foot scraper. -No. I can see why. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
Aren't I going to hear a, "Thank you, Timothy," at all? | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Well. I suppose we can find a use for it. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:21 | |
There is a use for it, Mother. You scrape... | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
It's a flaming foot scraper! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
-Language, Timothy! -I'm sorry, Father. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
-Well, come on, get the silly gubbins out of here. -Silly gubbins? | 0:10:27 | 0:10:32 | |
Silly gubbins? This is the executive model, Mother. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
Honestly, it's always the same. Every time I buy you... | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
I might as well take it straight to the jumble | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
and cut out the middleman. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
I'm not going to Cromer if you're going to be rude. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mummikins. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
I'm sorry. Look, I've got a very good idea. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
I shall take it, put it outside the door, you see. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
And, when you return from Cromer, you will be the first person to use it. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
And, you see, every time you scrape your feet, you'll think of me. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:58 | |
-What is he up to? -Well, this won't fix the forsythia back on the wall. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:04 | |
Oh, yes, get back in the garden. Leave me to do the washing up. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
-I'll give you a hand? -No, thank you. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:09 | |
I don't want you under my feet, with Muriel coming. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
DOOR SLAMS | 0:11:15 | 0:11:16 | |
-Just going to stick the forsythia. -Language, father. -Sorry, Timothy. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
TIMOTHY CHUCKLES | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
-Fair enough. -Oh, dear. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
Ah, dear, I've put it outside, it looks terrific. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
I think it's going to add value to the house myself. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Your macaroni's gone stiff, quite stiff. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
I shall have to get you a steak knife. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
SIDNEY SCREAMS, METAL CLANGS | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
What was that? Was it the cat? | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Not unless it's doing impressions of Father, no. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:45 | |
My God, he's probably fallen on the foot scraper, Mother! | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
Father! | 0:11:48 | 0:11:49 | |
Father! | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
-Sidney, get up, it's damp. -He can't get up. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
He can't be dead. He's only just got his bus pass. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Mother, a bus pass is not a guarantee of immortality. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
Stop showing off. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:05 | |
-It's all right. He's only unconscious. -Well, shake him. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
You can't shake him, Mother, he's hit his head on the wheelbarrow. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
He fell over that thing of yours. That's what he did. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
It's going straight to the jumble. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
-We shall have to call an ambulance. -An ambulance? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
What will the neighbours say? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
It's that dreadful Winford person. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
Can I help you at all? | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
-Is he all right? -He often does this. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
Just minding his own business. Thank you. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
Common little man. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
I'll dial 999, you take his head. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
-And I'll get a cushion. -No need. This'll do. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Not bloody gravel, Mother. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
-Language, Timothy. -Sorry, Father, sorry. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
-Oh, where am I? Oh, oh, my head. -HE GRUNTS | 0:12:56 | 0:13:01 | |
Did he hit his head? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
Are you suggesting he's drunk? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
-No, no, not at all. -Good. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
-Get on with your digging. -SIDNEY GROANS | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
Oh, Sidney. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
You always have to be the centre of attention, don't you? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
They're taking their time, these ambulance people. 20 minutes! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
I know, he could have had a baby by now. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
You don't get pregnant falling over a scraper. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
What about that woman at number 22? | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
That was that dreadful jobbing gardener. Common knowledge! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
This is all a damn waste of time. I'm getting inside. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
You're not going anywhere. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:48 | |
And when they come, lie down properly. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
It's goodbye to Cromer, then. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
-What? -Well, your father's concussed. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
-His mind's wandering. -Well, it always is, Mother. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
-It's his mind that should have the bus pass. -Language, Timothy. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
-Sorry, Father. -Well, I'm not going on a second honeymoon | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
with him concussed. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
He was only partly conscious the first time. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
He's all right, he's all right. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
ENGINE APPROACHES | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
Yes, here it is! This is the place. We... | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
They've sent a brewery lorry! | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Outrageous! | 0:14:27 | 0:14:28 | |
I don't want it now, I want it on Saturday! | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
Don't we all, mate? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:32 | |
Wasn't there anything written on the instructions? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
What, all this palaver? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
One minipin Ten X. Park round the corner. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
Leave barrel in hedge. Knock three times. If mother answers, run away. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Yes! And on Saturday! | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
It won't settle in time. It's got to be today. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
SIREN Oh... Hang on! | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
-Come on! -You don't have to lie him down, Mother, they'll understand. They'll understand. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
You'll hurt him, you'll hurt him! | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
It doesn't matter, he's going to hospital anyway! | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
-Leave him alone. -He's my husband! | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
I've got the secateurs in my back. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Don't worry, I've seen a lot worse than that. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
-It's not me, it's him! -I'm all right. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
Well, who is the patient?! | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
-Not me! -Nor me! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
And you can mind your own business! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
Right-oh. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:19 | |
Have we been dragged all the way up here for nothing? | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
Yes, you have. Classic! | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
Nobody's even hurt! HE LAUGHS | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
Argh! | 0:15:26 | 0:15:27 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:15:30 | 0:15:31 | |
He - he - he put the fork right through his foot! | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
So they took him to hospital. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Steady, Dad! Steady. They told you to take it easy. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:46 | |
I haven't laughed so much | 0:15:46 | 0:15:47 | |
since your mother drove off with the wheel lock on. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:51 | |
She went round and round six times before she noticed! | 0:15:52 | 0:15:57 | |
TIMOTHY LAUGHS | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
-What are you laughing at? -Nothing. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
Just thought it must be funny, that's all. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
Was it funny at all? | 0:16:17 | 0:16:18 | |
-Are you taking the mickey, Timothy? -No, no, not at all. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
-Mother says you've got to go and make the tea. -Why me? | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
Well, I don't know why you, why you. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
I mean, she's worried about something. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
-We were having a jolly good laugh. -That's what she's worried about. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:31 | |
Ah. Well, Father, eh? | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
All set for Cromer, are you? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
Oh, yes. That bang on the head brought it all back, you know? | 0:16:38 | 0:16:42 | |
What, the macaroni cheese, you mean? | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
-No, the memories. -Oh, the memories. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
I think you're old enough to hear this now. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
-How old are you, by the way? -I'm 41, father. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
The thing is, you see, there was an occasion in my marriage | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
that I almost stumbled. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
Stumbled? | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
What, do you mean on VJ night when they rolled you home in an oil drum? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
No, stumbled - | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
strayed with another woman. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
Good Lord, Father! | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
Goodness me. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
Still, I suppose... | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
Natural enough, I suppose. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
You know, the magic sort of falls away, I suppose. When was this? | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
Second night of the honeymoon. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
Your mother was being playful. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
Playful? | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
Mother? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:37 | |
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean? | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
She locked me out. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
So I had to talk my way round the girl on the desk | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
to sleep on the billiard table. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Doris was her name. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
She came to tuck me in, and the money ran out on the lights. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
Don't tell your mother, will you? | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
Oh, no, no. About the lights, you mean? | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
No, no, no - that nothing happened! | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
Well, wouldn't she be pleased? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Heavens, Timothy, you know nothing at all about marriage, do you? | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
I mean, your mother doesn't want her friends to think that | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
she's married some person that no other woman would look at. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:16 | |
If we go to Cromer, | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
I might meet Doris again! | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
And nothing might happen again! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
Exactly! | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
Got to keep them on hot coals, Timothy! | 0:18:29 | 0:18:33 | |
Not just a pretty face, you know. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
No, no, I can see. No. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
Which of these 11 bottles of milk am I supposed to use first? | 0:18:38 | 0:18:42 | |
The one that's just going off. You know the one. I'll get it. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Four sugars, Father? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Got to watch the weight. Three and a bit. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
Oh, dear, dear, dear. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
This, um... | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
That's it. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:00 | |
This Kevin and you not talking, you know - | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
it's not serious, is it? Because, I mean, I don't want... | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
I don't want Mother and Father to miss this holiday. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
They need a break. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:10 | |
You know, there is a funny smell in this kitchen. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Well, there always was. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
I remember when Mother changed your nappy in here | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
it was like a breath of fresh air. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
Oh, my God, what's this? | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
-It's the wasp trap. -It's February! | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
-Well, the winter wasps are the worst, you know. -Ugh. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Honestly, where would you start in this place? | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
-Well, you wouldn't, would you? Unless you wanted your head examined. How is Kevin, by the way? -What? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:35 | |
Are you trying to say that my husband needs his head examined? | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
No, no, no. All I'm saying is don't go on a great deal, will you, | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
about Kevin and you not talking. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
Otherwise they will never go to Cromer, don't you see? | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
What is so important about Cromer? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Well, it's just that, you know, | 0:19:48 | 0:19:49 | |
-having this party on Saturday... -Oh, I see! -No, no, you're invited! | 0:19:49 | 0:19:53 | |
You're invited. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:54 | |
Oh, dear, do you remember... | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
Do you remember when we used to play Murder In The Dark? | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
At the Routledge's? THEY LAUGH | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Yes, I do. And you used to murder that awful Priscilla every time. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:08 | |
-I know. -Even when you were the detective. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
Oh, dear! Oh, Priscilla. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Mind you, it was mutual. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
-And what is her name this time? -Sorry, what? -Mm? -Veronica. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
Not Veronica Straddles? | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
Possibly, possibly. SHE SIGHS | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
Honestly, Tim, can't you pick on someone your own size? | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:20:32 | 0:20:33 | |
There is no-one my own size! | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
I'll get it, mother! | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
About time, an' all. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
-MOTHER: -Who is it? -Hang on! Hang on. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
It's nobody, Mother. It's just the wind. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
Ringing the doorbell? | 0:20:51 | 0:20:52 | |
The foot scraper fell against the bell. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
Muriel. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:58 | |
-Muriel, will you get under the table and do something interesting? -What? | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
-Go under the table, burst into tears, anything. Just... -What?! | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
-Please, for me! -Oh, Timothy! | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
Mother, you're not going to believe this, but Muriel, your daughter, | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
is in the kitchen, under the table, | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
-crying her eyes out. -What?! -Yes. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
She'll lift the lino tiles! | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
-Look, do you want this beer or don't you? -Yes, come in, quickly. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
-Mother, come on. -Mother? How old are you? -Never mind that. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
-Well, where do you want it? -Under the stairs. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
Yeah, don't we all, mate? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
-In there. On the table. -No, no, it'll roll. I'll have to get the cradle. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
-No, no, don't get the cradle. Just put it on the top of the table and we'll cover it up. -It'll roll. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:42 | |
I shall wedge it with a pair of Father's brothel creepers. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:46 | |
Completely uncrept in, of course. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
When you think about it, that's what you need with beer, isn't it? | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
-What's that? -Pumps. Get it? Pumps. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
-Ha-ha. Yes, all right, come on. Mother... -Um... | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
I did have to come round twice. | 0:21:58 | 0:21:59 | |
It is customary to show your appreciation. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
Well, I'm very, very appreciative. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
Really, I am. Very appreciative. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
-Doubly. -Er, no, no, no. Something more than that. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
-All right, then. -Get off! | 0:22:10 | 0:22:11 | |
I didn't know what you meant! You said something more. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
-Well, like a quid. -Oh, well, that's... I mean, I've just... See what I've got. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:19 | |
Oh, that's very nice. A fiver, thanks very much. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
Wait a minute, I was expecting some change! | 0:22:21 | 0:22:22 | |
-No, no, we're not allowed to carry any money on us, sir. -Oh, I see. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
Will you be able to find your own way back to your Rolls-Royce? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
Now, now, now. I should tell your mother on you. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
From the first moment that monster of a husband of yours | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
entered this house, I knew it. I thought to myself, | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
that lout's eyes are too close together. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
Not the eyes again! | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
There we are. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:43 | |
Hello! | 0:22:43 | 0:22:44 | |
-Leave the room, Timothy. The adults are talking. -Oh. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
Wait a minute. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:51 | |
-I am an adult, aren't I? -This is all your fault! | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Oh, yes, blame your brother. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
Anything but see that Kevin monster for what he is. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
Crying under the table | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
when your so-called husband is off gallivanting. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
-He is fishing. -Fishing be jiggered! | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
He's philandering. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
Mother! Kevin wouldn't go philandering. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
-His eyes are far too close together. -Shut up! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
-Men! -SHE SCOFFS | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
They're all the same. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
They can't stop themselves. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
Your father at Cromer. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
I had to lock myself in the bathroom. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
He would not stop pestering me. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
Father?! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
And when a decent girl tries to keep herself to herself, | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
they're off after some receptionist floozy. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
Receptionist?! | 0:23:36 | 0:23:37 | |
Kevin's inherited it from Sydney. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
-They're not related! -That's not the point! | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
Mother, Kevin is not off with some other woman. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
He's gone off with his tin of maggots. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
He's got his camouflage jacket on by now. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
And his great big waders up to here, you know. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
Or up to here in my case. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
My own daughter, | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
seduced and abandoned. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
Oh, God! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:01 | |
-Seduced, yes, but not abandoned. Not yet. -Oh, thank you, Timothy! | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Well, I'm not going to Cromer under these circumstances. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:08 | |
Stop doing that! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
Look, I will go and fetch Kevin, Mother, | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
and we can speak to him man-to-man. That is the best thing. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
-Now, where did you say he was? -Berwick Ponds. -Where is that? | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
-Just this side of Yeovil. -That's too far. You can't go. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
Look, I'm not having your holiday in Cromer ruined by a misunderstanding. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
I shall go and fetch Kevin, and rest assured, | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
I shall not come back emptyhanded. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
Timothy! | 0:24:28 | 0:24:29 | |
You'll never gets him to come. Fishing is his favourite thing. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
Honestly, it's going to take you hours. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
Is Veronica Straddles really worth it? | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
I... | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
I've got 37 people coming here on Saturday. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
The coal bunker is full of ice cubes. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
I've hired the little sticks for the sausages and everything. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
Oh, very well, then, but take care if you must go. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:52 | |
To the straddle. Saddle. HE LAUGHS | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Hello, Kevin? | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
Kevin! | 0:25:07 | 0:25:08 | |
Oi, shut up! You'll disturb the fish. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
Sorry, sorry. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:12 | |
Sorry, fish. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:14 | |
And stop crashing about. Keep down. They'll see them bloody straps. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
Do what the man says. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:20 | |
Anybody here seen Kevin? | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
-Kelly? -No, Kevin! -No. -Keep quiet! | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
You can't miss him. His eyes are too close together. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:30 | |
-He's over there. -Oh. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
Hello, Kevin? | 0:25:34 | 0:25:35 | |
-Kevin, it's me, Timothy. -What are you doing here? | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
-Look, come back. Mother wants to see you. -I'm fishing. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
Come back, you must see Mother. She thinks you're having an affair. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
I don't care what she thinks. Three bites in the last two minutes - | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
I'm not coming anywhere! And keep your voice down, | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
-you'll frighten the fish. -Look, is that your last word on the subject? | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
No, Timothy, my last word is shove off! | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
Right, you've forced me into this action. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
From now on, I am not responsible for anything I may do. | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
SPLASHING | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
It's that stupid git in the straps! | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
What did you do that for, you stupid...?! | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
You just spoilt the whole night's fishing. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
-Now, are you coming back with me, Kevin? -I'm going to murder you. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
Look, there's no time for violence. I'm a senior librarian. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
We shall have to get back. Are you coming with me, Kevin? | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
Please keep your hands down! | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
We're going to bid you good night and love you and leave you. Follow me, Kevin. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
Argh! | 0:26:22 | 0:26:23 | |
All packed, except for my shaving tackle. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
I'll pack that after I've shaved. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
Done these things before, you see? | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
-Well, you can go and unpack. -What? | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
We're not going anywhere | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
with Timothy off on some wild goose chase. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
-ENGINE APPROACHES -There they are now. That's our car. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
Ha. Come on, Kevvers! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
I've forgiven you. Ha-ha, we're still friends. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
Oh, do belt up. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:49 | |
Watch out for that foot scraper thing. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
-Arrrgh! -CRASHING | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
-It's Kevin! -He's exhausted! | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
Proof positive. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
-Mother, he tripped. -What happened? | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
I thought I told you to take that thing to the drop-off. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
Come in to the warm! | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
He's been fishing, Mother. Don't you understand? | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
They're talking now. He's come back. They're friendly. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
So there's no reason why you and Father can't go to Cromer. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:14 | |
I've always wanted to go! | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
This calls for a celebration. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
I say, look here, Phyllis! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
My old dancing pumps. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
We might cut a rug in Cromer, eh? | 0:27:23 | 0:27:26 | |
Don't make yourself ridiculous, Sydney. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:29 | |
Nice one, Phyllis. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:30 | |
Got a couple of bottles down here. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
CHATTER AND MUSIC | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
Have a good time. Thank you so much. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
Do sit down! | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
Veronica Straddles, eh? | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
-Damn nice name. -HE CHUCKLES | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
What did you say you did, by the way? | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
-I'm a receptionist. -I knew it! You know, funny thing - | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
there's a lovely receptionist in Cromer. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
My word, yes. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
She must be a grandmother by now. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
Can I have a drink? | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
Her very words! | 0:28:19 | 0:28:20 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:28:20 | 0:28:21 | |
RAIN POURS OUTSIDE | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
Listen to it! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
Heaven help the sailors on the sea. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
Still, we're cosy, aren't we? | 0:28:28 | 0:28:32 | |
Yes, Mother. | 0:28:43 | 0:28:44 | |
It's a pity everything's closed, of course. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:49 | |
But still, we've got each other, haven't we? | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
-Yes, Mother. -What are you writing? | 0:28:52 | 0:28:54 | |
A suicide note, Mother. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
Timothy, you've got everything to live for. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:02 | |
There's me, for a start. | 0:29:02 | 0:29:05 | |
Yes, Mother. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:06 | |
Dear Father, | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
wish you were here. | 0:29:11 | 0:29:13 | |
Wish I wasn't. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
Our hotel window is marked with an X. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:19 | |
Going due east from it, | 0:29:19 | 0:29:21 | |
the next highest thing is the Urals. | 0:29:21 | 0:29:24 | |
There is no need to be lavatorial, Timothy. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:28 | |
Sorry, Mother. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:31 |