Cromer or Bust Sorry!


Cromer or Bust

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Postman's Knock... Postman's Knock...

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Ah, Postman's Knock!

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See Salesman's Knock, page 22.

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Salesman's Knock.

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In this advanced version of Postman's Knock,

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the salesman may ask for more than just a kiss.

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He may possibly...

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And if he feels that he can...

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HE CHUCKLES

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Oh, dear, I, er...

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Oh, my word, we'll play that! HE CHUCKLES

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Salesman's Knock, that's a must. There we are. And, now, here we are.

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Pilchards.

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Advanced version and adult version of Sardines.

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In which the most extraordinary mix-ups can occur. See frontispiece.

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Whose leg is that?

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Frank, oh, dear, what a fright, Frank.

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169 Games For Swinging Parties. You randy little stoat.

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Oh. Stoat, perhaps. Little, I grant you. But randy? No.

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Well, perhaps now and again.

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-Still, you wouldn't mind being him, would you?

-Mm!

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Or him.

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Or even those three.

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Wait a minute, that number of legs doesn't divide by two!

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No, it's for the, er, the party, Saturday, you know.

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You've got your, er, invitation?

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Yeah, I got it this morning, thanks.

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"At home. Bring a bottle." It didn't say it was an orgy.

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I know. but who can tell where things will go with

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a house full of young and attractive people like you and me, hey?

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Well, you're young and I'm attractive.

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Well, things won't go at all with your mother around.

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Ah! But she won't be around, you see. It's their wedding anniversary.

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So I've given them a present of a British Rail winter break weekend

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-in Cromer where they had their honeymoon.

-Cromer?

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Second honeymoon. Irresistible.

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But it's February.

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Well, the aquarium might be closed, true.

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Well, I mean, at least Father's nose won't get blistered.

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It's on the east coast!

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I mean, the wind comes straight up the Steppes of Asia. They'll die.

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They can stay in the hotel, can't they? There's a sauna there.

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Father can have a massage. For old time's sake.

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-That'll kill him even quicker.

-Then it's worth it.

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I've ordered a barrel of beer. Trusty old Ten X.

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Pint of that and I'm anybody's.

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Two pints and you're nobody's!

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Nobody's fool, Frank.

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Just think, just think. We'll have all our friends there.

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The coats in the front bedroom, I thought. Cider cup in the kitchen.

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Smoochy music, you know.

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Everly Brothers, Dennis Lotis, something like that.

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Crepe crimson paper over the lights. Almost total darkness.

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-And Veronica Straddles.

-Now, wait a minute.

-Oh, come on!

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I can read you like a book. Yeah, a book of adult games too.

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All you're after is getting Veronica Straddles in the cupboard

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while the rest of us count up to a million.

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I happen to think that Veronica Straddles, if you're interested,

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is a very nice, thinking sort of girl.

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Her IQ's three less than her chest measurement.

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She's a delicious, lovely girl with a faraway look in her eyes.

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Yeah, she's trying to see where her chest stops.

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Oh, please, Frank! Goodness.

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Hey. Which one of these is the postman?

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The one being bitten by the dog.

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Well, I'll be there.

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But if your mother ever finds out

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there's a chance of you enjoying yourself...

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Look, she won't find out, don't you see?

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All the RSVPs are coming to the library.

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The food I shall organise after they've gone.

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The beer arrives at midday. It is foolproof.

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Famous Last Words. Now, who put that there?

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HE TAKES RASPING BREATHS

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Please don't make that breathing noise, Sidney.

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-It's only me breathing.

-Do you have to?

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I was breathi...

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-I was breathing when we first met.

-That day? Huh!

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To think that Captain Bostock was about to propose to me.

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Ah, what a husband he'd have made.

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Pity he didn't.

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You'd have no trouble with breathing there. He's dead.

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-He's still more lively than you are.

-Fair enough.

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DOOR SHUTS Hello!

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Oh, here he is at last. Is that you, Timothy?

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-Yes, it is, Mummikins!

-Mummikins?

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-What's going on?

-He's been much too nice the last few days.

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-Have you wiped your feet?

-Yes, Mother. Wiped my feet.

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Nose newly blown. Fingernails scrubbed.

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Hah. I can't vouch for my belly button.

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There's no need to be lavatorial.

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Lavatorial? Belly button, Mother? You must know something I don't.

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It's the lowest form of wit.

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Are we having the junket again? Or has the National Trust taken it over?

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A lot of sweat went into that junket.

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Ah, that's what it was, was it? I didn't...

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I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry.

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Yum-yum, Mummikins, lovely lunch.

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Junket notwithstanding. Who's a sweet mummy?

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Why are you sucking up to me, Timothy?

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-You're so unlike yourself.

-I am not a bit unlike myself.

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I'm identical to myself. This is me, isn't it?

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Do try to be adult, please, Timothy.

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Sorry, Mother. Mummikins, I mean. Hah.

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Oh, dear. Well.

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Do you know what, I was reading a book today in the library.

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Very interesting.

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Which said that Cromer has the most invigorating February climate

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in the whole of Eastern Europe, yes.

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From a sunshine point of view, it knocks Bratislava into a cocked hat.

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Do you know, going east from Cromer,

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-the next bit of high land is the Urals.

-Be quiet, Sidney!

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-Other people want to talk sometimes.

-Fair enough.

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I'm afraid I've been thinking about Cromer.

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Your father doesn't want to go.

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-Why not? Why not, Father?

-Why not what?

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-You don't want to go to Cromer, do you?

-Don't I?

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It's his knee. And the wind.

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He's got his charcoal biscuits, I mean, what's...

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-No! The east wind!

-Oh, I see.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Who can that be?

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-The east wind, Mother? That is the warm one, you know.

-Don't be silly.

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Why don't you want to go, it's a present, a treat from me?

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Second honeymoon.

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To tell the truth, Timothy, the first one was no great shakes.

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What do you mean? Consummation-wise? Or otherwise-wise?

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I mean, what do you mean?

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There was barbed wire all over the front.

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Mother's front?

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No, the prom. Hitler swept into Europe.

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Well, he won't be doing that this time.

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That was the phoney war, of course,

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before your mother really got stuck into me.

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Funny thing, you know, honeymoon hotel, down there,

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in the refuge room, sitting there in the dark, holding hands.

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-Kissing and cuddling.

-What, in a gas mask?

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Well. Cromer is totally out of the question.

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That was your sister on the telephone. Yet another bombshell.

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-She's not talking to her husband.

-Oh, well, they're always not talking.

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There's never a time when they're not not talking.

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They like doing things together, don't they?

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Now they're not talking together, so, there.

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Trust you to take her part.

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Now, mind out, it's hot. The plate, not the food.

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Oh. Hah!

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The plate. Well, it's a start, I suppose.

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-I'm sorry. Lovely, lovely, yum-yum, Mummikins.

-Don't mummikins me!

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I'm not going anywhere when my daughter needs me.

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Mother, your daughter doesn't need you. She can come here, stay with me.

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I'll look after her. She can help with the refreshments.

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-Refreshments, the mints, for the party.

-What party?

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Well... The... Social Democrat Party, Mother.

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The middle-of-the-road party, dear.

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Having a party in the middle of the road, I'm certainly not going.

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-Are your insides working properly?

-Mother, you have to go to Cromer.

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Please, for my sake. I mean, it's the queen of the Norfolk Riviera.

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You know. They've even got a digital floral clock.

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The last time I left you and Muriel together,

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you took off your bus conductor outfits

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and ran round the garden in your birthday suits.

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Well, that's 30-odd years ago, mother. We won't be doing that now.

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Good heavens, we know all about the human body now.

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Well, Muriel does, I've got a rough idea.

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Cromer's such a long way.

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I have a surprise for you, Mother! To speed you on your way. A present.

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Your food's on the table. Is nothing sacred?

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Mother, there we are. Now, look at this.

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Happy anniversary, Mother!

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-And, of course, to you, Father.

-Mind the junket!

-Never mind.

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What do you think, Mother? Never mind the junket.

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Is it a video game?

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Mother, it's a foot scraper.

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You put your foot in there, you see, and you scrape.

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Not on the table, Timothy, please.

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-No other house in the road has got a foot scraper.

-No. I can see why.

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Aren't I going to hear a, "Thank you, Timothy," at all?

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Well. I suppose we can find a use for it.

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There is a use for it, Mother. You scrape...

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It's a flaming foot scraper!

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-Language, Timothy!

-I'm sorry, Father.

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-Well, come on, get the silly gubbins out of here.

-Silly gubbins?

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Silly gubbins? This is the executive model, Mother.

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Honestly, it's always the same. Every time I buy you...

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I might as well take it straight to the jumble

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and cut out the middleman.

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I'm not going to Cromer if you're going to be rude.

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Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mummikins.

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I'm sorry. Look, I've got a very good idea.

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I shall take it, put it outside the door, you see.

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And, when you return from Cromer, you will be the first person to use it.

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And, you see, every time you scrape your feet, you'll think of me.

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-What is he up to?

-Well, this won't fix the forsythia back on the wall.

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Oh, yes, get back in the garden. Leave me to do the washing up.

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-I'll give you a hand?

-No, thank you.

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I don't want you under my feet, with Muriel coming.

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DOOR SLAMS

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-Just going to stick the forsythia.

-Language, father.

-Sorry, Timothy.

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TIMOTHY CHUCKLES

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-Fair enough.

-Oh, dear.

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Ah, dear, I've put it outside, it looks terrific.

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I think it's going to add value to the house myself.

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Your macaroni's gone stiff, quite stiff.

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I shall have to get you a steak knife.

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SIDNEY SCREAMS, METAL CLANGS

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What was that? Was it the cat?

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Not unless it's doing impressions of Father, no.

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My God, he's probably fallen on the foot scraper, Mother!

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Father!

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Father!

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-Sidney, get up, it's damp.

-He can't get up.

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He can't be dead. He's only just got his bus pass.

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Mother, a bus pass is not a guarantee of immortality.

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Stop showing off.

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-It's all right. He's only unconscious.

-Well, shake him.

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You can't shake him, Mother, he's hit his head on the wheelbarrow.

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He fell over that thing of yours. That's what he did.

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It's going straight to the jumble.

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-We shall have to call an ambulance.

-An ambulance?

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What will the neighbours say?

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It's that dreadful Winford person.

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Can I help you at all?

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-Is he all right?

-He often does this.

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Just minding his own business. Thank you.

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Common little man.

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I'll dial 999, you take his head.

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-And I'll get a cushion.

-No need. This'll do.

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Not bloody gravel, Mother.

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-Language, Timothy.

-Sorry, Father, sorry.

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-Oh, where am I? Oh, oh, my head.

-HE GRUNTS

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Did he hit his head?

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Are you suggesting he's drunk?

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-No, no, not at all.

-Good.

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-Get on with your digging.

-SIDNEY GROANS

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Oh, Sidney.

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You always have to be the centre of attention, don't you?

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They're taking their time, these ambulance people. 20 minutes!

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I know, he could have had a baby by now.

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You don't get pregnant falling over a scraper.

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What about that woman at number 22?

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That was that dreadful jobbing gardener. Common knowledge!

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This is all a damn waste of time. I'm getting inside.

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You're not going anywhere.

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And when they come, lie down properly.

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It's goodbye to Cromer, then.

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-What?

-Well, your father's concussed.

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-His mind's wandering.

-Well, it always is, Mother.

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-It's his mind that should have the bus pass.

-Language, Timothy.

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-Sorry, Father.

-Well, I'm not going on a second honeymoon

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with him concussed.

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He was only partly conscious the first time.

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He's all right, he's all right.

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ENGINE APPROACHES

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Yes, here it is! This is the place. We...

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They've sent a brewery lorry!

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Outrageous!

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I don't want it now, I want it on Saturday!

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Don't we all, mate?

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Wasn't there anything written on the instructions?

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What, all this palaver?

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One minipin Ten X. Park round the corner.

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Leave barrel in hedge. Knock three times. If mother answers, run away.

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Yes! And on Saturday!

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It won't settle in time. It's got to be today.

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SIREN Oh... Hang on!

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-Come on!

-You don't have to lie him down, Mother, they'll understand. They'll understand.

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You'll hurt him, you'll hurt him!

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It doesn't matter, he's going to hospital anyway!

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-Leave him alone.

-He's my husband!

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I've got the secateurs in my back.

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Don't worry, I've seen a lot worse than that.

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-It's not me, it's him!

-I'm all right.

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Well, who is the patient?!

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-Not me!

-Nor me!

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HE LAUGHS

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And you can mind your own business!

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Right-oh.

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Have we been dragged all the way up here for nothing?

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Yes, you have. Classic!

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Nobody's even hurt! HE LAUGHS

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Argh!

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THEY LAUGH

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He - he - he put the fork right through his foot!

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So they took him to hospital.

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THEY LAUGH

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HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

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Steady, Dad! Steady. They told you to take it easy.

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I haven't laughed so much

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since your mother drove off with the wheel lock on.

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She went round and round six times before she noticed!

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TIMOTHY LAUGHS

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HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

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-What are you laughing at?

-Nothing.

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Just thought it must be funny, that's all.

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Was it funny at all?

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-Are you taking the mickey, Timothy?

-No, no, not at all.

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-Mother says you've got to go and make the tea.

-Why me?

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Well, I don't know why you, why you.

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I mean, she's worried about something.

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-We were having a jolly good laugh.

-That's what she's worried about.

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Ah. Well, Father, eh?

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All set for Cromer, are you?

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Oh, yes. That bang on the head brought it all back, you know?

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What, the macaroni cheese, you mean?

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-No, the memories.

-Oh, the memories.

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I think you're old enough to hear this now.

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-How old are you, by the way?

-I'm 41, father.

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The thing is, you see, there was an occasion in my marriage

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that I almost stumbled.

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Stumbled?

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What, do you mean on VJ night when they rolled you home in an oil drum?

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No, stumbled -

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strayed with another woman.

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Good Lord, Father!

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Goodness me.

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Still, I suppose...

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Natural enough, I suppose.

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You know, the magic sort of falls away, I suppose. When was this?

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Second night of the honeymoon.

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HE MOUTHS

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Your mother was being playful.

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Playful?

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Mother?

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I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean?

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She locked me out.

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So I had to talk my way round the girl on the desk

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to sleep on the billiard table.

0:17:460:17:48

Doris was her name.

0:17:490:17:51

She came to tuck me in, and the money ran out on the lights.

0:17:510:17:54

Don't tell your mother, will you?

0:17:560:17:58

Oh, no, no. About the lights, you mean?

0:17:580:18:00

No, no, no - that nothing happened!

0:18:000:18:04

Well, wouldn't she be pleased?

0:18:040:18:06

Heavens, Timothy, you know nothing at all about marriage, do you?

0:18:060:18:09

I mean, your mother doesn't want her friends to think that

0:18:090:18:12

she's married some person that no other woman would look at.

0:18:120:18:16

If we go to Cromer,

0:18:160:18:18

I might meet Doris again!

0:18:180:18:21

And nothing might happen again!

0:18:230:18:26

Exactly!

0:18:280:18:29

Got to keep them on hot coals, Timothy!

0:18:290:18:33

Not just a pretty face, you know.

0:18:330:18:35

No, no, I can see. No.

0:18:350:18:36

Which of these 11 bottles of milk am I supposed to use first?

0:18:380:18:42

The one that's just going off. You know the one. I'll get it.

0:18:420:18:45

Four sugars, Father?

0:18:450:18:47

Got to watch the weight. Three and a bit.

0:18:470:18:50

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

0:18:540:18:56

This, um...

0:18:560:18:57

That's it.

0:18:590:19:00

This Kevin and you not talking, you know -

0:19:000:19:03

it's not serious, is it? Because, I mean, I don't want...

0:19:030:19:05

I don't want Mother and Father to miss this holiday.

0:19:050:19:09

They need a break.

0:19:090:19:10

You know, there is a funny smell in this kitchen.

0:19:100:19:13

Well, there always was.

0:19:130:19:15

I remember when Mother changed your nappy in here

0:19:160:19:18

it was like a breath of fresh air.

0:19:180:19:20

Oh, my God, what's this?

0:19:210:19:23

-It's the wasp trap.

-It's February!

0:19:230:19:26

-Well, the winter wasps are the worst, you know.

-Ugh.

0:19:260:19:28

Honestly, where would you start in this place?

0:19:280:19:31

-Well, you wouldn't, would you? Unless you wanted your head examined. How is Kevin, by the way?

-What?

0:19:310:19:35

Are you trying to say that my husband needs his head examined?

0:19:350:19:38

No, no, no. All I'm saying is don't go on a great deal, will you,

0:19:380:19:41

about Kevin and you not talking.

0:19:410:19:43

Otherwise they will never go to Cromer, don't you see?

0:19:430:19:46

What is so important about Cromer?

0:19:460:19:48

Well, it's just that, you know,

0:19:480:19:49

-having this party on Saturday...

-Oh, I see!

-No, no, you're invited!

0:19:490:19:53

You're invited.

0:19:530:19:54

Oh, dear, do you remember...

0:19:540:19:56

HE CHUCKLES

0:19:560:19:58

Do you remember when we used to play Murder In The Dark?

0:19:580:20:01

At the Routledge's? THEY LAUGH

0:20:010:20:04

Yes, I do. And you used to murder that awful Priscilla every time.

0:20:040:20:08

-I know.

-Even when you were the detective.

0:20:080:20:10

Oh, dear! Oh, Priscilla.

0:20:130:20:16

Mind you, it was mutual.

0:20:160:20:18

-And what is her name this time?

-Sorry, what?

-Mm?

-Veronica.

0:20:200:20:23

Not Veronica Straddles?

0:20:230:20:25

Possibly, possibly. SHE SIGHS

0:20:270:20:29

Honestly, Tim, can't you pick on someone your own size?

0:20:290:20:32

DOORBELL RINGS

0:20:320:20:33

There is no-one my own size!

0:20:330:20:35

I'll get it, mother!

0:20:380:20:40

About time, an' all.

0:20:430:20:44

-MOTHER:

-Who is it?

-Hang on! Hang on.

0:20:440:20:47

It's nobody, Mother. It's just the wind.

0:20:490:20:51

Ringing the doorbell?

0:20:510:20:52

The foot scraper fell against the bell.

0:20:520:20:55

Muriel.

0:20:570:20:58

-Muriel, will you get under the table and do something interesting?

-What?

0:20:580:21:01

-Go under the table, burst into tears, anything. Just...

-What?!

0:21:010:21:04

-Please, for me!

-Oh, Timothy!

0:21:040:21:06

Mother, you're not going to believe this, but Muriel, your daughter,

0:21:080:21:11

is in the kitchen, under the table,

0:21:110:21:14

-crying her eyes out.

-What?!

-Yes.

0:21:140:21:16

She'll lift the lino tiles!

0:21:160:21:19

-Look, do you want this beer or don't you?

-Yes, come in, quickly.

0:21:250:21:28

-Mother, come on.

-Mother? How old are you?

-Never mind that.

0:21:280:21:31

-Well, where do you want it?

-Under the stairs.

0:21:310:21:33

Yeah, don't we all, mate?

0:21:330:21:35

-In there. On the table.

-No, no, it'll roll. I'll have to get the cradle.

0:21:350:21:38

-No, no, don't get the cradle. Just put it on the top of the table and we'll cover it up.

-It'll roll.

0:21:380:21:42

I shall wedge it with a pair of Father's brothel creepers.

0:21:420:21:46

Completely uncrept in, of course.

0:21:460:21:49

When you think about it, that's what you need with beer, isn't it?

0:21:500:21:53

-What's that?

-Pumps. Get it? Pumps.

0:21:530:21:55

-Ha-ha. Yes, all right, come on. Mother...

-Um...

0:21:550:21:58

I did have to come round twice.

0:21:580:21:59

It is customary to show your appreciation.

0:21:590:22:01

Well, I'm very, very appreciative.

0:22:010:22:04

Really, I am. Very appreciative.

0:22:040:22:07

-Doubly.

-Er, no, no, no. Something more than that.

0:22:070:22:10

-All right, then.

-Get off!

0:22:100:22:11

I didn't know what you meant! You said something more.

0:22:130:22:15

-Well, like a quid.

-Oh, well, that's... I mean, I've just... See what I've got.

0:22:150:22:19

Oh, that's very nice. A fiver, thanks very much.

0:22:190:22:21

Wait a minute, I was expecting some change!

0:22:210:22:22

-No, no, we're not allowed to carry any money on us, sir.

-Oh, I see.

0:22:220:22:25

Will you be able to find your own way back to your Rolls-Royce?

0:22:250:22:28

Now, now, now. I should tell your mother on you.

0:22:280:22:30

From the first moment that monster of a husband of yours

0:22:300:22:33

entered this house, I knew it. I thought to myself,

0:22:330:22:36

that lout's eyes are too close together.

0:22:360:22:39

Not the eyes again!

0:22:390:22:41

There we are.

0:22:420:22:43

Hello!

0:22:430:22:44

-Leave the room, Timothy. The adults are talking.

-Oh.

0:22:440:22:47

Wait a minute.

0:22:500:22:51

-I am an adult, aren't I?

-This is all your fault!

0:22:510:22:53

Oh, yes, blame your brother.

0:22:530:22:55

Anything but see that Kevin monster for what he is.

0:22:550:22:58

Crying under the table

0:22:580:23:00

when your so-called husband is off gallivanting.

0:23:000:23:03

-He is fishing.

-Fishing be jiggered!

0:23:030:23:05

He's philandering.

0:23:060:23:08

Mother! Kevin wouldn't go philandering.

0:23:080:23:11

-His eyes are far too close together.

-Shut up!

0:23:110:23:13

-Men!

-SHE SCOFFS

0:23:150:23:17

They're all the same.

0:23:170:23:19

They can't stop themselves.

0:23:190:23:21

Your father at Cromer.

0:23:210:23:24

I had to lock myself in the bathroom.

0:23:240:23:27

He would not stop pestering me.

0:23:270:23:29

Father?!

0:23:290:23:30

And when a decent girl tries to keep herself to herself,

0:23:300:23:33

they're off after some receptionist floozy.

0:23:330:23:36

Receptionist?!

0:23:360:23:37

Kevin's inherited it from Sydney.

0:23:370:23:40

-They're not related!

-That's not the point!

0:23:400:23:43

Mother, Kevin is not off with some other woman.

0:23:430:23:46

He's gone off with his tin of maggots.

0:23:460:23:48

He's got his camouflage jacket on by now.

0:23:480:23:50

And his great big waders up to here, you know.

0:23:500:23:52

Or up to here in my case.

0:23:520:23:54

My own daughter,

0:23:550:23:57

seduced and abandoned.

0:23:570:24:00

Oh, God!

0:24:000:24:01

-Seduced, yes, but not abandoned. Not yet.

-Oh, thank you, Timothy!

0:24:010:24:04

Well, I'm not going to Cromer under these circumstances.

0:24:040:24:08

Stop doing that!

0:24:080:24:10

Look, I will go and fetch Kevin, Mother,

0:24:100:24:12

and we can speak to him man-to-man. That is the best thing.

0:24:120:24:14

-Now, where did you say he was?

-Berwick Ponds.

-Where is that?

0:24:140:24:17

-Just this side of Yeovil.

-That's too far. You can't go.

0:24:170:24:20

Look, I'm not having your holiday in Cromer ruined by a misunderstanding.

0:24:200:24:23

I shall go and fetch Kevin, and rest assured,

0:24:230:24:25

I shall not come back emptyhanded.

0:24:250:24:28

Timothy!

0:24:280:24:29

You'll never gets him to come. Fishing is his favourite thing.

0:24:290:24:33

Honestly, it's going to take you hours.

0:24:330:24:36

Is Veronica Straddles really worth it?

0:24:360:24:38

I...

0:24:380:24:40

I've got 37 people coming here on Saturday.

0:24:400:24:43

The coal bunker is full of ice cubes.

0:24:430:24:45

I've hired the little sticks for the sausages and everything.

0:24:450:24:48

Oh, very well, then, but take care if you must go.

0:24:480:24:52

To the straddle. Saddle. HE LAUGHS

0:24:520:24:54

Hello, Kevin?

0:25:050:25:07

Kevin!

0:25:070:25:08

Oi, shut up! You'll disturb the fish.

0:25:080:25:11

Sorry, sorry.

0:25:110:25:12

Sorry, fish.

0:25:130:25:14

And stop crashing about. Keep down. They'll see them bloody straps.

0:25:160:25:19

Do what the man says.

0:25:190:25:20

Anybody here seen Kevin?

0:25:200:25:23

-Kelly?

-No, Kevin!

-No.

-Keep quiet!

0:25:230:25:26

You can't miss him. His eyes are too close together.

0:25:260:25:30

-He's over there.

-Oh.

0:25:300:25:32

Hello, Kevin?

0:25:340:25:35

-Kevin, it's me, Timothy.

-What are you doing here?

0:25:350:25:38

-Look, come back. Mother wants to see you.

-I'm fishing.

0:25:380:25:40

Come back, you must see Mother. She thinks you're having an affair.

0:25:400:25:43

I don't care what she thinks. Three bites in the last two minutes -

0:25:430:25:46

I'm not coming anywhere! And keep your voice down,

0:25:460:25:48

-you'll frighten the fish.

-Look, is that your last word on the subject?

0:25:480:25:51

No, Timothy, my last word is shove off!

0:25:510:25:54

Right, you've forced me into this action.

0:25:540:25:56

From now on, I am not responsible for anything I may do.

0:25:560:26:00

SPLASHING

0:26:000:26:02

It's that stupid git in the straps!

0:26:020:26:04

What did you do that for, you stupid...?!

0:26:040:26:06

You just spoilt the whole night's fishing.

0:26:060:26:09

-Now, are you coming back with me, Kevin?

-I'm going to murder you.

0:26:090:26:12

Look, there's no time for violence. I'm a senior librarian.

0:26:120:26:15

We shall have to get back. Are you coming with me, Kevin?

0:26:150:26:17

Please keep your hands down!

0:26:170:26:19

We're going to bid you good night and love you and leave you. Follow me, Kevin.

0:26:190:26:22

Argh!

0:26:220:26:23

All packed, except for my shaving tackle.

0:26:260:26:28

I'll pack that after I've shaved.

0:26:280:26:31

Done these things before, you see?

0:26:310:26:32

HE CHUCKLES

0:26:320:26:34

-Well, you can go and unpack.

-What?

0:26:340:26:36

We're not going anywhere

0:26:360:26:37

with Timothy off on some wild goose chase.

0:26:370:26:40

-ENGINE APPROACHES

-There they are now. That's our car.

0:26:400:26:43

Ha. Come on, Kevvers!

0:26:430:26:45

I've forgiven you. Ha-ha, we're still friends.

0:26:450:26:48

Oh, do belt up.

0:26:480:26:49

Watch out for that foot scraper thing.

0:26:490:26:51

-Arrrgh!

-CRASHING

0:26:510:26:53

-It's Kevin!

-He's exhausted!

0:26:540:26:57

Proof positive.

0:26:570:26:59

-Mother, he tripped.

-What happened?

0:26:590:27:01

I thought I told you to take that thing to the drop-off.

0:27:010:27:03

Come in to the warm!

0:27:030:27:05

He's been fishing, Mother. Don't you understand?

0:27:050:27:07

They're talking now. He's come back. They're friendly.

0:27:070:27:10

So there's no reason why you and Father can't go to Cromer.

0:27:100:27:14

I've always wanted to go!

0:27:140:27:16

This calls for a celebration.

0:27:160:27:18

I say, look here, Phyllis!

0:27:180:27:21

My old dancing pumps.

0:27:210:27:23

We might cut a rug in Cromer, eh?

0:27:230:27:26

Don't make yourself ridiculous, Sydney.

0:27:260:27:29

Nice one, Phyllis.

0:27:290:27:30

Got a couple of bottles down here.

0:27:300:27:32

CHATTER AND MUSIC

0:27:430:27:47

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

0:27:500:27:52

Have a good time. Thank you so much.

0:27:520:27:55

Do sit down!

0:27:550:27:57

Veronica Straddles, eh?

0:28:010:28:03

-Damn nice name.

-HE CHUCKLES

0:28:030:28:05

What did you say you did, by the way?

0:28:050:28:07

-I'm a receptionist.

-I knew it! You know, funny thing -

0:28:070:28:10

there's a lovely receptionist in Cromer.

0:28:100:28:13

My word, yes.

0:28:130:28:15

She must be a grandmother by now.

0:28:150:28:17

Can I have a drink?

0:28:170:28:19

Her very words!

0:28:190:28:20

HE LAUGHS

0:28:200:28:21

RAIN POURS OUTSIDE

0:28:210:28:23

Listen to it!

0:28:230:28:25

Heaven help the sailors on the sea.

0:28:250:28:28

Still, we're cosy, aren't we?

0:28:280:28:32

Yes, Mother.

0:28:430:28:44

It's a pity everything's closed, of course.

0:28:450:28:49

But still, we've got each other, haven't we?

0:28:490:28:52

-Yes, Mother.

-What are you writing?

0:28:520:28:54

A suicide note, Mother.

0:28:540:28:56

Timothy, you've got everything to live for.

0:28:580:29:02

There's me, for a start.

0:29:020:29:05

Yes, Mother.

0:29:050:29:06

Dear Father,

0:29:090:29:11

wish you were here.

0:29:110:29:13

Wish I wasn't.

0:29:130:29:15

Our hotel window is marked with an X.

0:29:150:29:19

Going due east from it,

0:29:190:29:21

the next highest thing is the Urals.

0:29:210:29:24

There is no need to be lavatorial, Timothy.

0:29:250:29:28

Sorry, Mother.

0:29:300:29:31

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