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Patriotism

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This programme contains some strong language.

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People say, "What made you want to be a comedian?"

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I didn't ever want to be a comedian. What I wanted to be was a cow.

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I'd seen them in farms and they looked very peaceful

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and I liked the fact that from something as simple as grass

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they could make something as amazing as milk.

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But I felt the next best thing - cos I can't be a cow -

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the next best thing I thought was

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being a comedian and taking grass-like ideas of experience

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and turning them into the milk of comedy.

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You sound like someone who went to Oxford

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but didn't pay attention all the time.

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Well, I think that would sum it up.

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It's been a difficult year to try and write six blocks of stuff

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cos everything's been so influx in the news.

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You get an idea in place and then it changes and you can't

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get a grip on it.

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For example, as recently as six months ago,

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we had no credible opposition party and the Prime Minister hadn't

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been accused of having sex with the severed face of a dead pig.

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LAUGHTER

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And I'll be honest with you,

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none of us in the satire community saw that coming.

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We didn't have loads of dead pigs-sex face stuff backed up

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that we could roll out.

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It's been a weird year.

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In January last year, I had a good half hour on the go about UKIP

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and I thought that would be all right for the records in December

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and then in May I was worried they were going to disappear

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off the face of the earth for

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the elections and wouldn't be able to do the bit.

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I was actually out campaigning for UKIP in Kent.

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Out of self interest but...

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Patriotism has been an ongoing issue, hasn't it?

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When he first came in to the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn was

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in trouble, wasn't he, for not attending an England rugby match

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and then for not singing the national anthem.

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Now, I don't know about you

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but my grandfather didn't die fighting fascism in World War II

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so that people could be free to not attend England rugby matches

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if they didn't want to.

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LAUGHTER

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All through the election we were played off against each other.

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The English against the Scots, the Scots against the English.

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I mean, I've got Scottish ancestry, I've got Irish ancestry.

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I am English and I'm very happy being English although...

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All right, I do have some anxieties about the England flag, OK,

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which I know is complicated.

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But I kind of think if people wanted me to love the England flag,

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they shouldn't have spent the entire 1970s running around waving it

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whilst putting dog excrement through Pakistanis' letterboxes.

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Ooh, not many laughs there, was there, from the hand-picked audience

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of the liberal intelligentsia here in East London.

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What can it be? Too young to remember perhaps, or racists?

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Or racists out.

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OK, I'm sorry...

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Right, if you grew up in a big city in England in the '70s,

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one of your points of contact with the England flag was with

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the far right and the National Front and things like that.

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It was a far right symbol.

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In the 1970s, if you were flying an England flag off your house,

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it meant you were either an admirer of Adolf Hitler or

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a member of the royal family.

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LAUGHTER

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There's two jokes there. Did you spot that? There's two.

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Did you spot them at home? Two jokes.

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Look, I know it's different now and the England flag is never used

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to intimidate anyone today but...

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It isn't. It's like a smiley face

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but sometimes you're stuck with what a symbol means to you, aren't you?

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It's a bit like these old hippies that say, "The swastika, Stew,

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"far from being a symbol of Nazism, is in fact a Hindu good luck charm."

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And I always think, "Well, good luck with that."

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That may be the case but you're

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going to need a lot of Hindu good luck

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if you're considering wandering around Golders Green waving one.

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LAUGHTER

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I know that's London-centric.

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Don't write in from the North of England going,

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"I don't even know where that is.

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"I shouldn't have to laugh at the names of places in London."

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I know, but we're in London now

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so that's why I've done it about London.

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I change it when I go round the country, right?

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In Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, whatever, I'll say to the people

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at the theatre, "What's the Jewish part of this town?"

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And I change that joke so it lands...

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You can't always do it. You know, Truro, Inverness.

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If you're Jewish and you're in my audience in Inverness,

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you ARE the Jewish area of Inverness.

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LAUGHTER

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Your seat, that's the ghetto.

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But you know, if we're honest about it, the England flag's had

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a chequered history in our lifetimes, you know?

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So that's why when that Labour MP

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got in trouble for saying that a bloke was flying one off his house,

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I could see both sides of it and I said as much.

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And then, you know, loads of people in my family were ringing me up

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and going, "You don't understand.

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"You know, you've never flown an England flag off your house."

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And I have, actually.

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It was about two years back. What happened was... You remember...

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I don't know what it's like where you live but where I live,

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when England got kicked out of the football, the England flags in all

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the corner shops, they went down from about 20 quid to 50p, you know?

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And I thought, "It's a big piece of material, it could come in useful,"

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so I bought about three dozen of them.

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I don't know why, I wasn't planning a far right demonstration.

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I thought for the kids, for St George's Day or something.

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I'd get all these England flags and I'd put them in the cellar.

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And this was June, wasn't it, the summer.

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So I got all these England flags and my wife had gone away for a week

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with the kids and our cat, Jeremy Corbyn, was...

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LAUGHTER

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OK, I'll just explain this cos it's...

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Right, I have always called my pets after the full names of real people.

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OK, I had a Jack Russell terrier

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when I was five that I called Enid Blyton.

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I did cos I was reading Enid Blyton and then, I've always done it.

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And the cat is called Jeremy Corbyn but it's nothing to do with now,

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we got it nine years ago, right, and we were...

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What happened, we were round

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at a dinner party in Islington, obviously, and...

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LAUGHTER

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..somebody had a thing up - "Vote Jeremy Corbyn."

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He was local MP, wasn't he?

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And I said to my wife, "Let's call the cat that."

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Part of what was funny about it

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was the absolute utter obscurity of the bloke's name.

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And nobody round the table went, "Ooh, better not call him that.

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"What if he becomes leader of the Labour Party?"

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LAUGHTER

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Back then that was about as likely as if Tony Blair

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had become a Middle East peace envoy.

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You think, "A lot of people are going to have to die

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"before that happens."

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Yeah, listen to them clapping. Loony left terrorist sympathisers.

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A woman's walked out at that point, furious.

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So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn

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and I've always called my pets after real things.

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I won a hamster in a drawing competition in 197...

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I did, in 1979, in my mum's magazine, She, when this...

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I did, I won a hamster in a drawing competition.

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They didn't send it me through the post,

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if that's what you're thinking, you got sent a hamster voucher. You did.

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I had to take it to Acocks Green Pet Shop, hamster voucher.

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Remember that in the '70s, hamster vouchers?

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"Oh, not hamster vouchers again, Gran."

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"I got you hamster vouchers because

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"you know what kind of hamster you like, don't you?

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"And I'd get the wrong one probably."

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So...

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Not like today. They download codes, don't they, the kids?

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Download codes and a 3-D printer but...

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Yeah, I know, it's a bit modern for me, that joke, isn't it, but...

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So... And I called the hamster Karlheinz Stockhausen...

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..after the post-war German electro-acoustic avant-garde...

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Yeah, I was precocious 11-year-old.

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And about one in five adults would go, "Your hamster is called

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"Karlheinz Stockhausen, who wrote Stimmung?"

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And I would go, "Yes, ha!"

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You know, my sense of humour has not changed in many ways.

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Um...

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I had a dachshund,

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a female dachshund in the '90s which I called Matthew Broderick.

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After the then already largely forgotten...

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..1980s American character comedy actor from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

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It died, actually, that dachshund, rather sadly.

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It did its back in, in about '95, '96, jumping up to the shelf

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where I kept my guinea pig, Blind Lemon Jefferson.

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You grow older, your tastes change, don't they?

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Blues has always seemed a very truthful music to me.

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But...

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..about a year...

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About a year after the dog died...

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I'd written a film script for Hollywood.

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It didn't get made, obviously.

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I wouldn't be here doing this, would I? I'd be in Hollywood,

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but it nearly got made and I got asked out to Hollywood to meet

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all these actors that wanted to be in it.

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And I was in this posh hotel in Hollywood.

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I was walking along the aisle of the corridor, you know, and I saw a

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door and on the door there's a sign and it said,

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"Today, press interviews.

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"Matthew Broderick. Inspector Gadget."

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And it's a bit sad because Matthew Broderick was now

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having to do interviews to promote some kids' film where he's like

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a miniature magnetic-faced policeman or something.

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It's sad, isn't it?

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And I walk past and I look through the door

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and saw Matthew Broderick on his own sitting on the edge of a bed

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with his hands on his knees staring at the floor

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and just sort of opening and closing his mouth on his own going...

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HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

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And I thought now is not the time to go, "My dog's named after you."

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LAUGHTER

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"But it died, Matthew...

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"..jumping up for something it could never have."

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know what? It's mainly true, that story.

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There's only one thing I've changed...

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I'm not telling you what that is.

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It has been noted that you...

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I don't think you say a single thing that you mean

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and probably haven't done in the last 25 years.

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It's based on a lie.

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-The whole routine's based on a lie but, you know...

-It's a good lie.

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It's a good lie. It's expedient. It serves a comedic purpose.

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So you've set out to do a job that was way beyond your abilities.

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You worked out a way of trying to capture mistakes and turn them

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into something that looked intentional and you've sold that

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to a certain audience who you now despise for believing your lies.

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Yeah.

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But, I mean...

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..it's a living.

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So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn, right, and this means nothing.

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It's from nine years ago and it had no meaning but it is

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a bit weird now, obviously, cos I have to go out in the garden

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at night and I'm going, "Jeremy Corbyn!

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"Come on in now.

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"It's midnight.

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"It's time for your worming medicine."

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He knows his name now. I'm not going to change it. It's not his fault.

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I won't have him put down cos he's got a weird name.

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Like the dog in Downton Abbey, did you notice that?

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Yeah, Christmas last year,

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the dog in Downton Abbey mysteriously died, didn't it?

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And Lord Downton was going, "Why is my dog dead? Why?"

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And the reason that dog died - as Lord Downton knows full well -

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is because its name, if you remember,

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was Isis, wasn't it, right?

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Yeah, which two years ago was an Egyptian moon goddess

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but is now an awful terrorist group.

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So that dog in Downton Abbey had to die in Edwardian England...

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..because it was named after something which would be

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unacceptable in 90 years' time.

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It's not the dog's fault, is it?

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That was the best actor in the programme, that dog.

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I can't watch Downton Abbey now the dog's died.

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I watch it now and it just seems like thinly veiled

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Conservative propaganda.

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You know?

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"Why can't you be happy below stairs?

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"They obviously have your best interests at heart.

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"Why must you make such a fuss?"

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So...

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The...

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So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn and it's not for any reason,

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it was just from this party.

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Anyway, my wife had gone away and our cat, Jeremy Corbyn,

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had terrible diarrhoea.

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He'd not been very well at all.

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And what he would normally do, Jeremy Corbyn, is he would

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wriggle through his little flap, Jeremy Corbyn, and he would go...

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Jeremy Corbyn would go in the garden...

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AUDIENCE GIGGLES

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..Jeremy Corbyn, and he would dig a little...

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Don't...

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Don't giggle at Jeremy Corbyn cos these are being recorded.

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I need...to get these in for time, right?

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And I've explained to you that the name of the cat is irrelevant

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and I would...

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So just try to...

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grow up.

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LAUGHTER

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Then, Jeremy Corbyn would do all his muck in the hole, he'd dig a hole.

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And he was very clean and he would bury it.

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But because he wasn't very well, Jeremy Corbyn,

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he didn't want to go outside so what he did, little Jeremy Corbyn,

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is he went down in the cellar, which is where...

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LAUGHTER

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What kind of fucking shit comedian laughs at his own jokes?

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Fucking shit.

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"Ah-ha-ha-ha! I've made up something about a cat. Ah-ha!"

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Will pick it up from here.

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It would go down in the cellar, Jeremy Corbyn, and it would just...

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Because...

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I hope this doesn't get recommissioned, to be honest.

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Look, I've lost it. I'm fucking useless now.

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The...

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But because he went... He wanted to use his litter tray from when he

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was a little kitten, Jeremy Corbyn.

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And you know, I remember the first time that Jeremy Corbyn

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used his litter tray.

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Do you know, he looked so pleased with himself.

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A bit like when he thought of asking the public's

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questions in Parliament.

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LAUGHTER

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HE SIGHS

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See, I knew that was coming, that's what I was laughing at.

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I was laughing at how I knew that was coming, it was making me laugh,

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the idea of doing that.

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The idea of being paid to do that.

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So...

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But cos there wasn't any...

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It was nine years since he'd used the litter tray.

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There was no cat litter in it.

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I hadn't got any cat litter and it was too late to go out and get any.

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But he was sitting there and he was going, "Miaow-miaow!"

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And that's what he wanted to do and you love them, don't you?

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And I thought, "What can I line the litter tray with?"

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So I was looking around in the cellar...

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..and I thought, "Well, there are all those England flags there."

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OK, right, I didn't do...

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What you have to understand is I didn't do this with any enthusiasm.

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I didn't go, "Ah, England flags."

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I just thought I've got 36 of them, right, no-one's going to see.

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I know it's an important symbol but it's in a cellar

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and there was no-one to see it so it's, by definition,

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it's not offensive if it's not offending anyone, is it?

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So I got the England flag

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and I started putting in the cat litter tray

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and it was... As I was doing that, to be honest, I thought,

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"This doesn't feel right. There's something...

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"It means a lot to different people, this symbol." And, you know?

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So what I did, I just folded it up

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really, really neatly and respectfully.

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A bit like when we left Hong Kong, remember?

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And the flag was on a lovely cushion, wasn't it?

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All folded up on a yacht and Chris Patten was there

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with a big old feather in his hat, remember?

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It was like that.

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So I got the England flag

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and I folded it all up in the cat litter tray and then Jeremy Corbyn

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sort of squatted over it and he was going, "Eghh!

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"Aghh! Eghh!" And then...

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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And that's when I thought, "This is absolutely unacceptable."

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I hadn't really...

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I hadn't really thought what it would feel like.

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It was completely wrong.

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But the problem is it'd started now, it was too late to sort of stop.

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And I thought, "How can I make this all right?"

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So what I did, I went like that.

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LAUGHTER

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And I sang...

0:18:270:18:29

# God save our... #

0:18:290:18:31

And he's going... HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:18:310:18:34

# ..gracious Queen

0:18:430:18:45

# Long...

0:18:450:18:46

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:18:460:18:51

# ..live our noble...

0:19:040:19:07

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:19:070:19:11

# ..the Queen

0:19:250:19:27

# Send... #

0:19:270:19:28

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:19:280:19:31

Are you all right, Jeremy?

0:19:310:19:33

# ..her vic... #

0:19:340:19:36

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:19:360:19:40

It's nasty, isn't it?

0:19:400:19:41

# ..rious, hap... #

0:19:420:19:44

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:19:440:19:49

Get all the poison out, Jeremy.

0:19:510:19:53

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:19:530:19:57

# Long... #

0:19:570:19:58

I know, be soon be over.

0:20:010:20:03

# God save... #

0:20:030:20:05

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:20:050:20:09

I suppose it's not fair to say the difference between you

0:20:130:20:16

and a five-year-old is that you've got 42 years worth

0:20:160:20:19

of sort of pretentious explanation for going, "Ploopf!"

0:20:190:20:22

People will go, "Oh, he just went 'Ploopf,' for three minutes."

0:20:220:20:26

But you couldn't just do that. No-one would tolerate that.

0:20:260:20:30

It's actually... It's about the very fine variations.

0:20:300:20:34

And again, I hesitate to...

0:20:340:20:37

-It's self-aggrandising.

-I know what you're saying.

0:20:370:20:39

-It's like a jazz thing, right.

-I knew you were going to say that.

0:20:390:20:42

I know, I know. And people go, "He says it's like jazz, right?"

0:20:420:20:44

But on this occasion, it is.

0:20:440:20:46

I mean, if you listen to someone like Miles Davis...

0:20:460:20:48

I'm not saying I'm the same as Miles Davis but I am in that if Miles...

0:20:480:20:53

If someone had said he Miles Davis, "Do a cat's diarrhoea,"

0:20:530:20:57

he wouldn't just have gone, "Ploopf," like that.

0:20:570:21:01

You couldn't do that. You can't even do that just then.

0:21:010:21:04

-What you just did then, you couldn't do.

-No.

0:21:040:21:07

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:21:070:21:10

# Her vic...

0:21:150:21:17

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:21:170:21:22

# Confound their... #

0:21:290:21:32

Come on, it's only the second verse!

0:21:320:21:35

Don't you know all the...?

0:21:350:21:37

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:21:370:21:39

# ..politics Frustrate...

0:21:390:21:42

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:21:420:21:45

# ..their knavish tricks

0:21:450:21:47

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:21:480:21:51

# On the...

0:21:510:21:52

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:21:520:21:54

# God...

0:21:540:21:55

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:21:550:21:59

# ..save...

0:22:030:22:04

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:22:040:22:09

# ..the...

0:22:090:22:10

HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY

0:22:100:22:15

# ..Queen. #

0:22:150:22:16

HE BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY

0:22:160:22:18

I thought, "Oh, thank God it's finished,"

0:22:180:22:20

cos it was absolutely one of the most awful things I've ever seen.

0:22:200:22:25

It was absolutely devastating.

0:22:250:22:28

And I hadn't anticipated how awful it would be because you'd think,

0:22:290:22:32

wouldn't you, that a flag or an anthem would have entirely

0:22:320:22:35

fixed meaning unaffected by context or intent,

0:22:350:22:38

but it was as if it sort of had somehow been changed.

0:22:380:22:42

I thought, "I hope no-one sees this. It's absolutely awful."

0:22:450:22:47

So what I did, I got the England flag.

0:22:470:22:49

I thought, "I'll put this in the washing machine,"

0:22:490:22:52

but there's a problem, isn't there?

0:22:520:22:54

I don't know if you've seen a cat's diarrhoea, I hope you haven't.

0:22:540:22:57

The problem is, is it a stain or is it a solid, right?

0:22:570:23:00

Now, it's mainly a stain...

0:23:000:23:02

..but there's just enough solid that

0:23:040:23:05

if you put it in the washing machine, it would all disintegrate

0:23:050:23:08

and it would be really horrible.

0:23:080:23:10

So I thought, "What I need to do, I need to let this dry out, this flag

0:23:100:23:13

"and then sort of scrape the sort of crust off it

0:23:130:23:16

"and then put it in the washing machine."

0:23:160:23:18

So I got the England flag and I hung it outside the front of the house.

0:23:200:23:23

LAUGHTER

0:23:230:23:25

HE BREATHES INTO MICROPHONE

0:23:320:23:34

Now, where I live is a very multicultural area.

0:23:340:23:37

Over the road from me, there's an old Muslim guy in his 70s,

0:23:370:23:40

a Rasta bloke about 60.

0:23:400:23:41

My neighbours have been there a lot longer than me, you know,

0:23:410:23:44

and I see them everyday, "Hello."

0:23:440:23:46

And they came out and they saw this England flag flying outside the

0:23:460:23:50

front of the house and they looked worried, as well they might.

0:23:500:23:52

I know it's different now and the England flag's fine now.

0:23:520:23:55

A certain age, they can remember the '70s when England flags going up

0:23:550:23:58

in East London, that would have meant National Front on the march,

0:23:580:24:01

petrol bombs, whatever.

0:24:010:24:03

They looked worried, I didn't want them to look worried,

0:24:030:24:05

they're my neighbours.

0:24:050:24:07

So I went over the road. I said, "Don't worry,"

0:24:070:24:09

I said, "There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that."

0:24:090:24:14

LAUGHTER

0:24:140:24:17

LAUGHTER

0:24:240:24:27

"What's happened here

0:24:270:24:30

"is Jeremy Corbyn...

0:24:300:24:32

"..has had terrible diarrhoea.

0:24:330:24:35

"And he's done it all on this England flag in a cat litter tray.

0:24:370:24:41

"But it's all right cos I sang the national anthem

0:24:430:24:45

"while he was doing it."

0:24:450:24:47

And they just sort of went... HE SCOFFS

0:24:480:24:50

and walked off. I thought, "Fine."

0:24:500:24:51

Now, next door to them, there's a journalist.

0:24:530:24:55

That's the kind of area it is, you know, coming up in the Wolds.

0:24:550:24:59

The journalist came out, he said,

0:24:590:25:00

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

0:25:000:25:03

"Did I hear you say

0:25:030:25:05

"that Jeremy Corbyn had done all diarrhoea on an England flag

0:25:050:25:09

"in a cat litter tray while you sang the national anthem?"

0:25:090:25:13

And I said, "I did say that, yes,

0:25:130:25:15

"but there's one very important detail,

0:25:150:25:17

"and that's that Jeremy Corbyn is the name of my cat.

0:25:170:25:20

"It wasn't the real Jeremy Corbyn that did that."

0:25:200:25:23

And the journalist said, "Well, I don't think we need to let

0:25:230:25:25

"a little detail like that stand in the way."

0:25:250:25:27

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:270:25:29

Good afternoon. Sorry for the technical blip

0:25:330:25:35

but we've got plenty of breaking news to bring you.

0:25:350:25:38

News of an obscene act performed by Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn

0:25:380:25:41

has led to spontaneous demonstrations.

0:25:410:25:43

Today, the headlines.

0:25:430:25:44

News of an obscene act performed by the Labour...

0:25:440:25:47

An obscure English comedian called Stewart Lee is thought to be

0:25:470:25:50

the source of the story. Although Stewart Lee is now in hiding...

0:25:500:25:54

It's claimed that the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn

0:25:540:25:56

defecated for a sustained period of time.

0:25:560:25:59

Fuckin' dirty bastard!

0:25:590:26:00

ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS

0:26:000:26:02

# There's a man going round taking names... #

0:26:020:26:06

Disgusting!

0:26:060:26:07

# And he decides who to free and who to blame... #

0:26:070:26:09

According to eyewitness reports,

0:26:090:26:11

the flag appeared to be covered in excrement.

0:26:110:26:13

# Everybody won't be treated all the same... #

0:26:130:26:15

The government are appealing for calm tonight.

0:26:150:26:17

# There'll be a golden ladder reaching down... #

0:26:170:26:20

Dirty bastard!

0:26:220:26:24

# When the man comes around... #

0:26:240:26:26

Large numbers of MPs are calling for Corbyn's resignation tonight.

0:26:260:26:30

# The hairs on your arm will stand up... #

0:26:300:26:33

It was certainly diarrhoea...

0:26:330:26:35

# At the terror in each sip and in each sup... #

0:26:350:26:38

A year of community service for being a lunatic.

0:26:380:26:41

# For you partake of that last offered cup... #

0:26:410:26:43

I didn't have diarrhoea at the time of the alleged incident.

0:26:430:26:45

# Or disappear into the potter's ground... #

0:26:450:26:48

A disgrace! I think it's bloody disgusting.

0:26:480:26:51

# When the man comes around... #

0:26:510:26:53

That looks remarkably like you during rehearsals.

0:26:530:26:55

# Hear the trumpets hear the pipers... #

0:26:550:26:57

It's bad for Labour and bad for business.

0:26:570:26:59

# One hundred million angels singing... #

0:26:590:27:02

Sparking protests...

0:27:020:27:05

# Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum... #

0:27:050:27:09

Stand shoulder to shoulder with the United Kingdom.

0:27:090:27:11

# Voices calling, voices crying... #

0:27:110:27:14

Strongest...

0:27:140:27:16

# Some are born and some are dying... #

0:27:160:27:19

Cannot and will not stand...

0:27:190:27:20

# It's Alpha and Omega's Kingdom come

0:27:200:27:24

# And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. #

0:27:250:27:30

Though Stewart Lee - now in hiding -

0:27:330:27:35

claims the whole story started as a joke, nonetheless,

0:27:350:27:38

we are now on the brink of an unthinkable global war.

0:27:380:27:41

CAT PURRS

0:27:410:27:44

# Confound their politics

0:27:490:27:56

# Frustrate their knavish tricks

0:27:560:28:03

# On Thee our hopes we fix

0:28:030:28:11

# God save us all. #

0:28:110:28:15

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