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This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:08 | |
People say, "What made you want to be a comedian?" | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
I didn't ever want to be a comedian. What I wanted to be was a cow. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
I'd seen them in farms and they looked very peaceful | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
and I liked the fact that from something as simple as grass | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
they could make something as amazing as milk. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
But I felt the next best thing - cos I can't be a cow - | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
the next best thing I thought was | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
being a comedian and taking grass-like ideas of experience | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
and turning them into the milk of comedy. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
You sound like someone who went to Oxford | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
but didn't pay attention all the time. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
Well, I think that would sum it up. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:35 | |
It's been a difficult year to try and write six blocks of stuff | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
cos everything's been so influx in the news. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
You get an idea in place and then it changes and you can't | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
get a grip on it. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:44 | |
For example, as recently as six months ago, | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
we had no credible opposition party and the Prime Minister hadn't | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
been accused of having sex with the severed face of a dead pig. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
And I'll be honest with you, | 0:00:55 | 0:00:56 | |
none of us in the satire community saw that coming. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
We didn't have loads of dead pigs-sex face stuff backed up | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
that we could roll out. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:05 | |
It's been a weird year. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
In January last year, I had a good half hour on the go about UKIP | 0:01:10 | 0:01:14 | |
and I thought that would be all right for the records in December | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
and then in May I was worried they were going to disappear | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
off the face of the earth for | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
the elections and wouldn't be able to do the bit. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
I was actually out campaigning for UKIP in Kent. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
Out of self interest but... | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Patriotism has been an ongoing issue, hasn't it? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
When he first came in to the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn was | 0:01:34 | 0:01:38 | |
in trouble, wasn't he, for not attending an England rugby match | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
and then for not singing the national anthem. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Now, I don't know about you | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
but my grandfather didn't die fighting fascism in World War II | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
so that people could be free to not attend England rugby matches | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
if they didn't want to. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
All through the election we were played off against each other. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
The English against the Scots, the Scots against the English. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
I mean, I've got Scottish ancestry, I've got Irish ancestry. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
I am English and I'm very happy being English although... | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
All right, I do have some anxieties about the England flag, OK, | 0:02:10 | 0:02:15 | |
which I know is complicated. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
But I kind of think if people wanted me to love the England flag, | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
they shouldn't have spent the entire 1970s running around waving it | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
whilst putting dog excrement through Pakistanis' letterboxes. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
Ooh, not many laughs there, was there, from the hand-picked audience | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
of the liberal intelligentsia here in East London. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
What can it be? Too young to remember perhaps, or racists? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
Or racists out. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
OK, I'm sorry... | 0:02:44 | 0:02:45 | |
Right, if you grew up in a big city in England in the '70s, | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
one of your points of contact with the England flag was with | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
the far right and the National Front and things like that. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
It was a far right symbol. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
In the 1970s, if you were flying an England flag off your house, | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
it meant you were either an admirer of Adolf Hitler or | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
a member of the royal family. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
There's two jokes there. Did you spot that? There's two. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
Did you spot them at home? Two jokes. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Look, I know it's different now and the England flag is never used | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
to intimidate anyone today but... | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
It isn't. It's like a smiley face | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
but sometimes you're stuck with what a symbol means to you, aren't you? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
It's a bit like these old hippies that say, "The swastika, Stew, | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
"far from being a symbol of Nazism, is in fact a Hindu good luck charm." | 0:03:30 | 0:03:36 | |
And I always think, "Well, good luck with that." | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
That may be the case but you're | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
going to need a lot of Hindu good luck | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
if you're considering wandering around Golders Green waving one. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
I know that's London-centric. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:54 | |
Don't write in from the North of England going, | 0:03:54 | 0:03:58 | |
"I don't even know where that is. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
"I shouldn't have to laugh at the names of places in London." | 0:04:00 | 0:04:05 | |
I know, but we're in London now | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
so that's why I've done it about London. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
I change it when I go round the country, right? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
In Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, whatever, I'll say to the people | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
at the theatre, "What's the Jewish part of this town?" | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
And I change that joke so it lands... | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
You can't always do it. You know, Truro, Inverness. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
If you're Jewish and you're in my audience in Inverness, | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
you ARE the Jewish area of Inverness. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
Your seat, that's the ghetto. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
But you know, if we're honest about it, the England flag's had | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
a chequered history in our lifetimes, you know? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
So that's why when that Labour MP | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
got in trouble for saying that a bloke was flying one off his house, | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
I could see both sides of it and I said as much. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
And then, you know, loads of people in my family were ringing me up | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
and going, "You don't understand. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:01 | |
"You know, you've never flown an England flag off your house." | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
And I have, actually. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
It was about two years back. What happened was... You remember... | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
I don't know what it's like where you live but where I live, | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
when England got kicked out of the football, the England flags in all | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
the corner shops, they went down from about 20 quid to 50p, you know? | 0:05:16 | 0:05:20 | |
And I thought, "It's a big piece of material, it could come in useful," | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
so I bought about three dozen of them. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
I don't know why, I wasn't planning a far right demonstration. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
I thought for the kids, for St George's Day or something. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
I'd get all these England flags and I'd put them in the cellar. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
And this was June, wasn't it, the summer. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:40 | |
So I got all these England flags and my wife had gone away for a week | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
with the kids and our cat, Jeremy Corbyn, was... | 0:05:43 | 0:05:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
OK, I'll just explain this cos it's... | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Right, I have always called my pets after the full names of real people. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
OK, I had a Jack Russell terrier | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
when I was five that I called Enid Blyton. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
I did cos I was reading Enid Blyton and then, I've always done it. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:07 | |
And the cat is called Jeremy Corbyn but it's nothing to do with now, | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
we got it nine years ago, right, and we were... | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
What happened, we were round | 0:06:16 | 0:06:17 | |
at a dinner party in Islington, obviously, and... | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
..somebody had a thing up - "Vote Jeremy Corbyn." | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
He was local MP, wasn't he? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
And I said to my wife, "Let's call the cat that." | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
Part of what was funny about it | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
was the absolute utter obscurity of the bloke's name. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:37 | |
And nobody round the table went, "Ooh, better not call him that. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
"What if he becomes leader of the Labour Party?" | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Back then that was about as likely as if Tony Blair | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
had become a Middle East peace envoy. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
You think, "A lot of people are going to have to die | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
"before that happens." | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
Yeah, listen to them clapping. Loony left terrorist sympathisers. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
A woman's walked out at that point, furious. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn | 0:07:07 | 0:07:08 | |
and I've always called my pets after real things. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
I won a hamster in a drawing competition in 197... | 0:07:12 | 0:07:17 | |
I did, in 1979, in my mum's magazine, She, when this... | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
I did, I won a hamster in a drawing competition. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
They didn't send it me through the post, | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
if that's what you're thinking, you got sent a hamster voucher. You did. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:31 | |
I had to take it to Acocks Green Pet Shop, hamster voucher. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
Remember that in the '70s, hamster vouchers? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
"Oh, not hamster vouchers again, Gran." | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
"I got you hamster vouchers because | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
"you know what kind of hamster you like, don't you? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
"And I'd get the wrong one probably." | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
So... | 0:07:54 | 0:07:55 | |
Not like today. They download codes, don't they, the kids? | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
Download codes and a 3-D printer but... | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Yeah, I know, it's a bit modern for me, that joke, isn't it, but... | 0:08:05 | 0:08:09 | |
So... And I called the hamster Karlheinz Stockhausen... | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
..after the post-war German electro-acoustic avant-garde... | 0:08:16 | 0:08:21 | |
Yeah, I was precocious 11-year-old. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
And about one in five adults would go, "Your hamster is called | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
"Karlheinz Stockhausen, who wrote Stimmung?" | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
And I would go, "Yes, ha!" | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
You know, my sense of humour has not changed in many ways. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
Um... | 0:08:41 | 0:08:42 | |
I had a dachshund, | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
a female dachshund in the '90s which I called Matthew Broderick. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:49 | |
After the then already largely forgotten... | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
..1980s American character comedy actor from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
It died, actually, that dachshund, rather sadly. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
It did its back in, in about '95, '96, jumping up to the shelf | 0:09:01 | 0:09:06 | |
where I kept my guinea pig, Blind Lemon Jefferson. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
You grow older, your tastes change, don't they? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
Blues has always seemed a very truthful music to me. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
But... | 0:09:23 | 0:09:24 | |
..about a year... | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
About a year after the dog died... | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
I'd written a film script for Hollywood. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
It didn't get made, obviously. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
I wouldn't be here doing this, would I? I'd be in Hollywood, | 0:09:36 | 0:09:41 | |
but it nearly got made and I got asked out to Hollywood to meet | 0:09:41 | 0:09:45 | |
all these actors that wanted to be in it. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
And I was in this posh hotel in Hollywood. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
I was walking along the aisle of the corridor, you know, and I saw a | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
door and on the door there's a sign and it said, | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
"Today, press interviews. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
"Matthew Broderick. Inspector Gadget." | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
And it's a bit sad because Matthew Broderick was now | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
having to do interviews to promote some kids' film where he's like | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
a miniature magnetic-faced policeman or something. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
It's sad, isn't it? | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
And I walk past and I look through the door | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
and saw Matthew Broderick on his own sitting on the edge of a bed | 0:10:17 | 0:10:22 | |
with his hands on his knees staring at the floor | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
and just sort of opening and closing his mouth on his own going... | 0:10:26 | 0:10:30 | |
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
And I thought now is not the time to go, "My dog's named after you." | 0:10:37 | 0:10:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
"But it died, Matthew... | 0:10:48 | 0:10:49 | |
"..jumping up for something it could never have." | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Do you know what? It's mainly true, that story. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
There's only one thing I've changed... | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
I'm not telling you what that is. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
It has been noted that you... | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
I don't think you say a single thing that you mean | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
and probably haven't done in the last 25 years. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
It's based on a lie. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
-The whole routine's based on a lie but, you know... -It's a good lie. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
It's a good lie. It's expedient. It serves a comedic purpose. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
So you've set out to do a job that was way beyond your abilities. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
You worked out a way of trying to capture mistakes and turn them | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
into something that looked intentional and you've sold that | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
to a certain audience who you now despise for believing your lies. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
Yeah. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
But, I mean... | 0:11:41 | 0:11:42 | |
..it's a living. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn, right, and this means nothing. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
It's from nine years ago and it had no meaning but it is | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
a bit weird now, obviously, cos I have to go out in the garden | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
at night and I'm going, "Jeremy Corbyn! | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
"Come on in now. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
"It's midnight. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:05 | |
"It's time for your worming medicine." | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
He knows his name now. I'm not going to change it. It's not his fault. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
I won't have him put down cos he's got a weird name. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Like the dog in Downton Abbey, did you notice that? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
Yeah, Christmas last year, | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
the dog in Downton Abbey mysteriously died, didn't it? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
And Lord Downton was going, "Why is my dog dead? Why?" | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
And the reason that dog died - as Lord Downton knows full well - | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
is because its name, if you remember, | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
was Isis, wasn't it, right? | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
Yeah, which two years ago was an Egyptian moon goddess | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
but is now an awful terrorist group. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
So that dog in Downton Abbey had to die in Edwardian England... | 0:12:40 | 0:12:44 | |
..because it was named after something which would be | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
unacceptable in 90 years' time. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:52 | |
It's not the dog's fault, is it? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
That was the best actor in the programme, that dog. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
I can't watch Downton Abbey now the dog's died. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
I watch it now and it just seems like thinly veiled | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
Conservative propaganda. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
You know? | 0:13:08 | 0:13:09 | |
"Why can't you be happy below stairs? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
"They obviously have your best interests at heart. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
"Why must you make such a fuss?" | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
So... | 0:13:21 | 0:13:22 | |
The... | 0:13:24 | 0:13:25 | |
So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn and it's not for any reason, | 0:13:27 | 0:13:32 | |
it was just from this party. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:33 | |
Anyway, my wife had gone away and our cat, Jeremy Corbyn, | 0:13:33 | 0:13:38 | |
had terrible diarrhoea. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:39 | |
He'd not been very well at all. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
And what he would normally do, Jeremy Corbyn, is he would | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
wriggle through his little flap, Jeremy Corbyn, and he would go... | 0:13:44 | 0:13:49 | |
Jeremy Corbyn would go in the garden... | 0:13:51 | 0:13:52 | |
AUDIENCE GIGGLES | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
..Jeremy Corbyn, and he would dig a little... | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Don't... | 0:13:58 | 0:13:59 | |
Don't giggle at Jeremy Corbyn cos these are being recorded. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
I need...to get these in for time, right? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
And I've explained to you that the name of the cat is irrelevant | 0:14:06 | 0:14:11 | |
and I would... | 0:14:11 | 0:14:12 | |
So just try to... | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
grow up. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Then, Jeremy Corbyn would do all his muck in the hole, he'd dig a hole. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
And he was very clean and he would bury it. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
But because he wasn't very well, Jeremy Corbyn, | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
he didn't want to go outside so what he did, little Jeremy Corbyn, | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
is he went down in the cellar, which is where... | 0:14:33 | 0:14:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
What kind of fucking shit comedian laughs at his own jokes? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
Fucking shit. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
"Ah-ha-ha-ha! I've made up something about a cat. Ah-ha!" | 0:14:51 | 0:14:55 | |
Will pick it up from here. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
It would go down in the cellar, Jeremy Corbyn, and it would just... | 0:15:02 | 0:15:07 | |
Because... | 0:15:09 | 0:15:10 | |
I hope this doesn't get recommissioned, to be honest. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
Look, I've lost it. I'm fucking useless now. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
The... | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
But because he went... He wanted to use his litter tray from when he | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
was a little kitten, Jeremy Corbyn. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
And you know, I remember the first time that Jeremy Corbyn | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
used his litter tray. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
Do you know, he looked so pleased with himself. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
A bit like when he thought of asking the public's | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
questions in Parliament. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
See, I knew that was coming, that's what I was laughing at. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
I was laughing at how I knew that was coming, it was making me laugh, | 0:15:52 | 0:15:56 | |
the idea of doing that. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:57 | |
The idea of being paid to do that. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
So... | 0:16:00 | 0:16:01 | |
But cos there wasn't any... | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
It was nine years since he'd used the litter tray. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
There was no cat litter in it. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
I hadn't got any cat litter and it was too late to go out and get any. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
But he was sitting there and he was going, "Miaow-miaow!" | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
And that's what he wanted to do and you love them, don't you? | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
And I thought, "What can I line the litter tray with?" | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
So I was looking around in the cellar... | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
..and I thought, "Well, there are all those England flags there." | 0:16:25 | 0:16:29 | |
OK, right, I didn't do... | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
What you have to understand is I didn't do this with any enthusiasm. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
I didn't go, "Ah, England flags." | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
I just thought I've got 36 of them, right, no-one's going to see. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:45 | |
I know it's an important symbol but it's in a cellar | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
and there was no-one to see it so it's, by definition, | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
it's not offensive if it's not offending anyone, is it? | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
So I got the England flag | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
and I started putting in the cat litter tray | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
and it was... As I was doing that, to be honest, I thought, | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
"This doesn't feel right. There's something... | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
"It means a lot to different people, this symbol." And, you know? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:09 | |
So what I did, I just folded it up | 0:17:09 | 0:17:10 | |
really, really neatly and respectfully. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
A bit like when we left Hong Kong, remember? | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
And the flag was on a lovely cushion, wasn't it? | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
All folded up on a yacht and Chris Patten was there | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
with a big old feather in his hat, remember? | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
It was like that. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
So I got the England flag | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
and I folded it all up in the cat litter tray and then Jeremy Corbyn | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
sort of squatted over it and he was going, "Eghh! | 0:17:43 | 0:17:48 | |
"Aghh! Eghh!" And then... | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY | 0:17:51 | 0:17:56 | |
And that's when I thought, "This is absolutely unacceptable." | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
I hadn't really... | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
I hadn't really thought what it would feel like. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
It was completely wrong. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
But the problem is it'd started now, it was too late to sort of stop. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
And I thought, "How can I make this all right?" | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
So what I did, I went like that. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
And I sang... | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
# God save our... # | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
And he's going... HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
# ..gracious Queen | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
# Long... | 0:18:45 | 0:18:46 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:18:46 | 0:18:51 | |
# ..live our noble... | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:19:07 | 0:19:11 | |
# ..the Queen | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
# Send... # | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
Are you all right, Jeremy? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
# ..her vic... # | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:19:36 | 0:19:40 | |
It's nasty, isn't it? | 0:19:40 | 0:19:41 | |
# ..rious, hap... # | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:19:44 | 0:19:49 | |
Get all the poison out, Jeremy. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
# Long... # | 0:19:57 | 0:19:58 | |
I know, be soon be over. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
# God save... # | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
I suppose it's not fair to say the difference between you | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
and a five-year-old is that you've got 42 years worth | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
of sort of pretentious explanation for going, "Ploopf!" | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
People will go, "Oh, he just went 'Ploopf,' for three minutes." | 0:20:22 | 0:20:26 | |
But you couldn't just do that. No-one would tolerate that. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
It's actually... It's about the very fine variations. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
And again, I hesitate to... | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
-It's self-aggrandising. -I know what you're saying. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
-It's like a jazz thing, right. -I knew you were going to say that. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
I know, I know. And people go, "He says it's like jazz, right?" | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
But on this occasion, it is. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
I mean, if you listen to someone like Miles Davis... | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
I'm not saying I'm the same as Miles Davis but I am in that if Miles... | 0:20:48 | 0:20:53 | |
If someone had said he Miles Davis, "Do a cat's diarrhoea," | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
he wouldn't just have gone, "Ploopf," like that. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:01 | |
You couldn't do that. You can't even do that just then. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
-What you just did then, you couldn't do. -No. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
# Her vic... | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:21:17 | 0:21:22 | |
# Confound their... # | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
Come on, it's only the second verse! | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
Don't you know all the...? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
# ..politics Frustrate... | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
# ..their knavish tricks | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
# On the... | 0:21:51 | 0:21:52 | |
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
# God... | 0:21:54 | 0:21:55 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
# ..save... | 0:22:03 | 0:22:04 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:22:04 | 0:22:09 | |
# ..the... | 0:22:09 | 0:22:10 | |
HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY | 0:22:10 | 0:22:15 | |
# ..Queen. # | 0:22:15 | 0:22:16 | |
HE BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
I thought, "Oh, thank God it's finished," | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
cos it was absolutely one of the most awful things I've ever seen. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:25 | |
It was absolutely devastating. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
And I hadn't anticipated how awful it would be because you'd think, | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
wouldn't you, that a flag or an anthem would have entirely | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
fixed meaning unaffected by context or intent, | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
but it was as if it sort of had somehow been changed. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
I thought, "I hope no-one sees this. It's absolutely awful." | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
So what I did, I got the England flag. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
I thought, "I'll put this in the washing machine," | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
but there's a problem, isn't there? | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
I don't know if you've seen a cat's diarrhoea, I hope you haven't. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
The problem is, is it a stain or is it a solid, right? | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
Now, it's mainly a stain... | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
..but there's just enough solid that | 0:23:04 | 0:23:05 | |
if you put it in the washing machine, it would all disintegrate | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
and it would be really horrible. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
So I thought, "What I need to do, I need to let this dry out, this flag | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
"and then sort of scrape the sort of crust off it | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
"and then put it in the washing machine." | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
So I got the England flag and I hung it outside the front of the house. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
HE BREATHES INTO MICROPHONE | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Now, where I live is a very multicultural area. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
Over the road from me, there's an old Muslim guy in his 70s, | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
a Rasta bloke about 60. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:41 | |
My neighbours have been there a lot longer than me, you know, | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
and I see them everyday, "Hello." | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
And they came out and they saw this England flag flying outside the | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
front of the house and they looked worried, as well they might. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
I know it's different now and the England flag's fine now. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
A certain age, they can remember the '70s when England flags going up | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
in East London, that would have meant National Front on the march, | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
petrol bombs, whatever. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
They looked worried, I didn't want them to look worried, | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
they're my neighbours. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
So I went over the road. I said, "Don't worry," | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
I said, "There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that." | 0:24:09 | 0:24:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
"What's happened here | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
"is Jeremy Corbyn... | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
"..has had terrible diarrhoea. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
"And he's done it all on this England flag in a cat litter tray. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:41 | |
"But it's all right cos I sang the national anthem | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
"while he was doing it." | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
And they just sort of went... HE SCOFFS | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
and walked off. I thought, "Fine." | 0:24:50 | 0:24:51 | |
Now, next door to them, there's a journalist. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
That's the kind of area it is, you know, coming up in the Wolds. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
The journalist came out, he said, | 0:24:59 | 0:25:00 | |
"I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
"Did I hear you say | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
"that Jeremy Corbyn had done all diarrhoea on an England flag | 0:25:05 | 0:25:09 | |
"in a cat litter tray while you sang the national anthem?" | 0:25:09 | 0:25:13 | |
And I said, "I did say that, yes, | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
"but there's one very important detail, | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
"and that's that Jeremy Corbyn is the name of my cat. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
"It wasn't the real Jeremy Corbyn that did that." | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
And the journalist said, "Well, I don't think we need to let | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
"a little detail like that stand in the way." | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
Good afternoon. Sorry for the technical blip | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
but we've got plenty of breaking news to bring you. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
News of an obscene act performed by Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
has led to spontaneous demonstrations. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
Today, the headlines. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:44 | |
News of an obscene act performed by the Labour... | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
An obscure English comedian called Stewart Lee is thought to be | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
the source of the story. Although Stewart Lee is now in hiding... | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
It's claimed that the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
defecated for a sustained period of time. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
Fuckin' dirty bastard! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:00 | |
ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
# There's a man going round taking names... # | 0:26:02 | 0:26:06 | |
Disgusting! | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
# And he decides who to free and who to blame... # | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
According to eyewitness reports, | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
the flag appeared to be covered in excrement. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
# Everybody won't be treated all the same... # | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
The government are appealing for calm tonight. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
# There'll be a golden ladder reaching down... # | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
Dirty bastard! | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
# When the man comes around... # | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
Large numbers of MPs are calling for Corbyn's resignation tonight. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:30 | |
# The hairs on your arm will stand up... # | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
It was certainly diarrhoea... | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
# At the terror in each sip and in each sup... # | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
A year of community service for being a lunatic. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
# For you partake of that last offered cup... # | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
I didn't have diarrhoea at the time of the alleged incident. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
# Or disappear into the potter's ground... # | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
A disgrace! I think it's bloody disgusting. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
# When the man comes around... # | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
That looks remarkably like you during rehearsals. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
# Hear the trumpets hear the pipers... # | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
It's bad for Labour and bad for business. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
# One hundred million angels singing... # | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
Sparking protests... | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
# Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum... # | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
Stand shoulder to shoulder with the United Kingdom. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
# Voices calling, voices crying... # | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
Strongest... | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
# Some are born and some are dying... # | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
Cannot and will not stand... | 0:27:19 | 0:27:20 | |
# It's Alpha and Omega's Kingdom come | 0:27:20 | 0:27:24 | |
# And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. # | 0:27:25 | 0:27:30 | |
Though Stewart Lee - now in hiding - | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
claims the whole story started as a joke, nonetheless, | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
we are now on the brink of an unthinkable global war. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
CAT PURRS | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
# Confound their politics | 0:27:49 | 0:27:56 | |
# Frustrate their knavish tricks | 0:27:56 | 0:28:03 | |
# On Thee our hopes we fix | 0:28:03 | 0:28:11 | |
# God save us all. # | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 |