Migrants Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle

This programme contains some strong language.

Does it ever occur to you that when you're younger, you run round in quite big circles running through

all sorts of different environments, picking up all kinds of different influences,

and as you get older, you get tighter into the core of your own vortex until all you can see

is the value of stand-up and nothing else, and even that is shit?

That's one way of looking at it - a very negative way of looking at it.

A positive way of looking at is that you...begin to understand more

and you become more discriminatory. And that's...

I mean, when we first met,

you were sort of quite methodically ploughing a kind of obscure path

-through the very margins of popular culture.

-Yeah.

Now, 25 years later, after a lot of hard work,

you're doing exactly the same.

-Mm.

-Was that the plan?

Not a plan, as such,

but...it's happened so decisively

that it is possible for me to give the impression that it was my intent.

-But that's telling people something, isn't it?

-What's it telling them?

-I don't know.

-No, nor me.

So, the migrant crisis has been ongoing, hasn't it?

We had a charity collection of clothes for the migrants

round here in Hackney.

But it's such a diverse borough.

You know, there was Islamic hijabs and Orthodox Jewish skullcaps

and orange sort of Buddhists' robes

and lesbians' dungarees, erm...

one-piece gay rubber gimp suits...

and loads of ironic 1970s hipster soft rock T-shirts.

And that was just in the bin bag I took down.

LAUGHTER

See, I can do jokes, right? They say I can't do jokes.

I can do jokes - it's just not something that interests me, right?

I'm trying to do something else.

Imagine writing jokes for a living.

IN A WHINY VOICE: "Oh, this sentence has ended differently

"to how it began." LAUGHTER

Imagine doing that over and over all day.

So...

I mean, it would be awful, wouldn't it?

Would be like working in a factory, just folding over the same...

I'd kill myself if I had to write jokes.

I'd rather be dead than write jokes.

But... So, don't go on the internet and go, "Oh, he can't write jokes."

I've shown you I can - I've chosen not to.

Do you understand?!

Four series, now, I've been doing this, right?

I've obviously chosen to do it like this. I'm not mentally ill.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And another thing...

No, you're all right, mate, you're all right.

LAUGHTER

No, no, let's forget it. Forget about it. Forget about it.

Let's have a drink, yeah? All right.

Well, you've sort of constructed a situation

in which the worse it gets, the better it gets,

and certainly there's nobody at the BBC bright enough

-to work their way outside that trap.

-No, no.

I mean, they won't understand that,

and, you know, it wins awards, it gets critical acclaim,

it does all the things that they say a programme is supposed to do.

The only thing that it doesn't have

is any honesty or core of integrity to it.

Because it's produced by a man who is involved

in a destructive war against an aspect of his own self,

which isn't something you can say, for example, about Bake Off.

I was going through all my old T-shirts for the migrants,

and it was weird, cos I found...I found a T-shirt from 1997.

It said, "Vote Tony Blair!" Right?

And I found one from 2004.

It said, "Impeach Tony Blair." Right?

I found one from last April that said, "Don't vote!"

And I found one from last May.

It said, "Oh, you know what I said on the last T-shirt about not voting?

"Probably better vote after all, actually, because...

"Oh, no... It's too late now. Oh..."

LAUGHTER

And I'm going to send all of those T-shirts

to migrants fleeing oppressive totalitarian states

so they understand how a democracy can encompass

a variety of contradictory opinion.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How about that? That's weird, isn't it?

Applause and indifference in the same room.

Good metaphor for Britain.

So...

LAUGHTER

I, er...

But the migrant crisis has brought out

the very best in British newspaper columnists.

LAUGHTER

I wanted to talk to him then.

Walking away, wasn't he?

I had a bit I was going to do there, and then...

HE SIGHS

But the migrant crisis has brought out

the very best in British newspaper columnists.

You're too far away, mate. LAUGHTER

I'll do it another night.

No, it's too late now.

LAUGHTER

Erm...

It hasn't. It's brought out the worst, I think.

I was using that as a rhetorical device.

They all say different things.

Giles Fraser, the former priest in the Guardian,

he said, "Jesus would welcome in the migrants."

And I thought, "Well, that's all very well for Jesus.

"His father's house has many rooms."

MUTED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

One man clapping alone there at the front.

LAUGHTER

When you've written a joke so dense in theological allusion...

..that only one man applauds,

you know you have no commercial future.

Amanda Platell in the Daily Mail,

she said, "That's all very well for Jesus.

"Jesus wasn't trying to get back through the tunnel

"from a bargain weekend Euro city break for two."

MUTED LAUGHTER

It's awkward when no-one really laughs,

but one bloke laughs a bit and late, isn't it?

It's hard to fix that in the edit.

LAUGHTER

And...

..Katie Hopkins in the Sun,

she would essentially just defecate onto a blank piece of paper.

But do so with such precision and commitment

that it becomes bizarrely compelling.

A Katie Hopkins column once seen can't be unseen, can it? It's very...

A bit like when you're round at a friend's house and you're on the sofa

and their Staffordshire bull terrier jumps up, doesn't it?

And its massive grey mottled penis kind of swings round into your face,

kind of bulbous purple head.

And they go, "Argh, are you all right?"

And you go, "Yes, yes, it's fine."

And then you sort of move him round, and the testicles are coming at you

like sort of two walnuts in a sort of string bag, swinging...

And they go, "Are you all right?" And you go, "Yes, he's fine."

And then you move the dog round again,

and his anus is in your face.

But because he's panting, it's sort of opening and closing and pulsating.

There's something on it. Like, could be a worm,

could be some sort of vein, and it's all discoloured.

Could be flecks of excrement, skin tone - you don't know.

They're going, "Are all right?" "Yeah, it's fine."

You try and move the anus away, and the dog's penis swings...

It's on your eye! The dog's penis is on my eye now!

Then the testicles are going on your lips.

HE SPLUTTERS The dog's testi...

And you move it round.

And the last thing you see as you push it away,

the penis swinging round, the testicles,

the anus opening and closing and opening and closing,

the worm, the discolouration, the vein,

and you know that every time you shut your eyes for the rest of your life,

you will see that image, you will see that image.

And that's what a Katie Hopkins column is like.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But less ennobling.

LAUGHTER

And Yasmin Alibhai-Brown in the Independent,

she just write the same column as every week with the nouns changed.

LAUGHTER

And Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times, he would...with a...

He's got all gravy down him, hasn't he?

LAUGHTER You know what I mean?

Anyway, erm...

Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times would write...

With all gravy, and...

..soup or something on his...

His sleeve's gone in the soup, hasn't it?

Rod Liddle. You know what I mean? Anyway.

You know what I mean? It's Rod Liddle. Anyway.

Er, sort of soupy bloke, isn't he?

Anyway, Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times would write...

The...soup and...gravy and...

Rod Liddle...like...sort of suet or something

on his...on his collar.

A bit of suet on him. Anyway.

Rod Liddle in...Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times newspaper would...

Has sort of gravy...

..soup. It's gone in the soup, hasn't it?

Suet, splat, on there.

Yeah, Rod Liddle...in the Sunday Times.

With...like a sort of mackerel fish kind of...

..like a paste that's on the...bits gone on his jacket

and some is on his leg as well.

Rod Liddle. Anyway. Do you know what I mean?

Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times would...he would have the...

gravy, soup, suet.

Not a...not a pate,

but like a...you know, sort of spread thing.

Rod Liddle from the...

Like a...Angel Delight or...

Not...not...

..not mixed up, not with milk, just with the...

..the powder sort of...

..got...like, it's gone...pfff,

and all the powder's gone on his...in the folds of his neck,

all like in lines in the folds of his neck,

Angel Delight powder in Rod Liddle's neck from the...

Anyway, Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times was...

Had got like a gravy and...soup...

Like, a red soup has gone on him.

Suet and...

..you know, like a sandwich filling sort of thing for kids, fish.

Er...Angel Delight...

The powder - it wasn't, you know?

Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times with the...

..the jelly from a pork pie.

LAUGHTER

Just... Not the meat or the crust -

just the jelly's been, like, sort of scooped out

and then he's, like, rubbed it all on there,

and then he's put his shirt on and you can see he's got, like,

pie jelly under his shirt, you know? GLASS SMASHES

Someone's smashed a glass there.

LAUGHTER

It's a very arousing image.

Sort of...pie jelly...

..like...

..that's like...sort of rubbed in

and then the shirt has been done up and has gone, "Ah, pff."

Weird, cos for a lot of you, the glass smashing,

that's when you kind of got on board with this, wasn't it?

And before...

It took someone else's display of crazed emotion to...

LAUGHTER ..convince you.

There's a real air of suspicion in the room.

Going, "Oh, what's this?" you know?

People just going, "Oh, it's nothing.

"It's just a list of food on a man," you know?

LAUGHTER

Is that what you think? People...

Very weak tables up there in the...

Well lit on the balcony of people nudging each other.

You've been trouble...you with the glasses and the beard,

you've not been on board all night, and now you're exactly...

He's a typical example of

the "It's just a list of food on a man"...

constituency.

It's a shame, cos it was building

and that's kind of...I've had to deal with...there's a glass smashed

and there's sort of doubt in the room.

It's been difficult to get back in to this,

especially when you can sort of,

"Oh, it's just food on a man," you know?

It isn't, anyway. It's very carefully worked out.

LAUGHTER Well, it is.

You can't just...trust me, you can't just...say any...

You can't. You can't just say any foods on Ron Liddle and where it is.

You have to have, like, a...

There wouldn't be people smashing their glasses

if I hadn't spent 26 years developing an intuitive feel

for what kind of food you can put where on Ron Liddle for comic effect.

I'm telling you.

It's not something you can learn. You have to develop a...

It's not a list of... You can't just say any...

You couldn't just go, you know, "Rod Liddle with a nut on his hand."

LAUGHTER

No, you couldn't do that.

You're laughing, and you think...you think,

"Oh, we've got him. We've laughed at that one. He said it's not funny."

You're not laughing at... I'll tell you what you're laughing at

cos you don't know enough about comedy to know.

Right, you think you're laughing at a nut on his hand, but you're not...

..cos that's not funny...

What you're laughing at is...

"What a shit thing that would be if he said it. Ha-ha."

You're laughing, like, one removed from it.

You are. Honestly, trust...

Who knows the most about stand-up - me or you?

Me, right?

Night after night, I think about

exactly what food is funny where on Rod Liddle,

and you can't come in on a fucking TV recording

and start throwing glasses around

and laughing at a nut on Rod Liddle's hand,

because that is not funny - I'll tell you that.

I'll tell you, that is not... You can't just say any...

All right, I'll level with you -

the rest of this routine is a mixture of prepared foods and places

that I've carefully worked out

and others that I've chanced in the moment.

But even the chanced-in-the-moment ones have a...

they're...you know, I have a...

You can't just go, you know, "Rod Liddle with a...pea on his..."

"..on his...there," all right? Whatever that is.

Do you know what the problem is?

I'm so good at this, I can't even think of bad ones. Right?

So... Cos I have to close... LAUGHTER

Because every fibre of my body has been fine tuned

for over a quarter of a century to think,

"Ooh, what food would be funny and where?"

And so it's entirely counterintuitive for me to stand in front of you

and think of a thing that wouldn't be funny on Rod Liddle's...

Rod Liddle with a pea on...

-What is this, anyway, here?

-Clavicle.

-What?

-Clavicle.

Clavicle, yeah.

That is funny. A pea on a clavicle is funny, but...

LAUGHTER

You're in the zone. You're in the zone.

It's like a virus, isn't it?

You think you're onboard now, don't you? You think you're really...

You think, "Come on, throw some mad stuff at us now.

"We've thought of clavicle - we're in the zone."

Rod Liddle, from the Sunday Times,

with a kumquat...

No, not where you're thinking.

LAUGHTER

Don't get ahead of yourselves.

The arrogance of them. The arrogance of them.

Rod Liddle with...a nut on his hand. MUTED LAUGHER

See?

Yeah, I play you like a piano.

Rod Liddle...

..with no laugh, and then I go, "Uh," laugh, bang.

Rod Liddle...

Let's see what you're made of. Rod Liddle...

LAUGHTER

..with a kumquat...

near his foot.

LAUGHTER

Not on him, no.

What's going on?!

Miles Davis has arrived.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Laying down the main tune...and chucking it away...

..leaving the rhythm section to hold it together.

Miles Davis has...

"Isn't the food on him?"

"No, it's not even on him any more - it's just near him."

"It's supposed to be on him."

No, you can do what you want now.

Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times would write an article saying...

There was...gravy...soup, suet...

Fuck, er...

Shippam's, isn't it? Shippam's paste.

Remember? With the little...

Do you remember Shippam's paste, with the little lid?

Used to make a popping noise, didn't it?

HE MAKES POPPING NOISE

Observational comedy.

LAUGHTER

Erm...Angel Delight. Mixed up? No, powder. Pff!

Jelly from a pie. Where's the meat? Where's the crust?

I don't fucking know where that is.

He's thrown it away. He's given it to a dog.

Rod Liddle... The dog's run off with it.

Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times with a nut on his hand...

..pea on his clavicle.

That was one of yours, wasn't it? Well done.

LAUGHTER Out of the mouths of babes.

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

LAUGHTER

Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times

with a kumquat near his foot.

Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times

with the...the memory...of a jar of honey...

..on the shelf of a cupboard in a kitchen

of a house that he did a share of, rented shared house...

..up round where the Tally Ho pub was in Kentish Town.

Do you remember that? Birthplace of pub rock.

In about '82, he's there, Rod Liddle

with a load young twenty-something guys,

come to London, trying to make it as freelancers,

you know what I mean?

Sitting up late, weren't they?

Putting the world to rights, like young guys do, you know?

"Oh, it's two in the morning."

"Oh, what we need...what we need is collectivisation."

"Yeah, but, you know, how that's going to get put into..."

"Oh, you know. Anyway...

"..who wants some toast?"

"Depends, Rod - is there any of your honey?"

Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times...

..with a...the insides of a succession of Tunnock's teacakes

sort of...spooned out

and then just smashed into his face like that and left there...

..like a sugary Renaissance death mask.

LAUGHTER

Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times

with Oxo cubes all crumbled into his eyes.

So that when he thinks of all Syrians coming over here

and using libraries free,

he...he cries a form of stock out of his eyes.

The vegetable stigmata, tears of hate of Rod Liddle.

"Ergh!

"They read the book free! Argh!"

The editor, ashamed, but it drives traffic through the website.

The readers, "Ergh, Rod's horrible tears, ergh."

Honestly, the Sunday Times, it's currently got

Rod Liddle, A A Gill and Jeremy Clarkson all writing for it -

what's the point of that?

It's like a branch of Ann Summers

and all it sells is three different types of butt plug.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rod Liddle...from the Sunday Times would write

as Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times

with a C120 audio tape.

A recording of himself eating a poppadom...

..at the Bengal Lancer restaurant up Kentish Town way, about 1983.

Who's even got a tape deck now? No-one.

No-one. So, if he wants to hear it, Rob Liddle, he has to go...

like any of us, he has to go to the attic

and look for the old tape deck and he dusts it down.

"Oh, I hope it still works, this old tape deck."

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

LOUDER CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

"Isn't that poppadom dry, Rod?"

LAUGHTER

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

"Put some chutney on it or something."

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

"Rod?

"Are you going to talk to me or you just going to...

"..sit there eating that poppadom in silence all night?"

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

"Rod, we've come out because...

"..we need to make plans about our relationship and we..."

LAUGHTER

"..you know, there's a lot of things we need to sort out,

"and I really need you to talk to me."

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

"Rod, if you don't stop eating all those poppadoms

"and just...talk to me about what you think our future is,

"I'm going to walk out of this restaurant.

"You're never going to see me again

"and it could be your one chance for happiness

"in your whole life just thrown away."

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES

You know what?

Every time you look at your watch, I start again.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES