Swottin' Still Game

THEY SNORE SOFTLY

(Oh, Jesus...)

Victor...

Victor!

-What's that?

-Need to stop daein' that.

-What?

-Leaving that fire on in the middle of the afternoon.

-The fire on...? Oh, ye sleekit bastard -

waited till I fell asleep, then you slipped on the full three bars.

Get the kettle on. I'm parched.

Aw, Jack...

it's a bad routine we're in.

Sleeping in the middle of the day.

It's nae use.

We should be up - up and aboot.

-JACK!

-Aaagh!

What you tryin' to dae? Gimme a bloody heart attack?

Get that bloody fire aff... sitting here stupefied.

I was away on one, there -

dreaming. Wee Wullie Sampson's bike - mind that red bike?

Giving me a hudgie on it, flying down Mayfield Street...

There was a bread van at the bottom of the hill,

yous ended up in the back of it, the man gave you cakes, but your maw accused you of stealing them.

-Telt you that before?

-No, I guessed it(!) Yes!

Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.

-Aye, well, I've heard all your stories.

-That's charming.

-I've heard all your bloody stories too.

-Aye, right!

Aye, right. Tell me one I haven't heard, then. Go on!

Fine.

Ah!

-Mind o' that tea room at the Cross?

-Uh-huh.

-Lassie worked there - Denise Kirkwood.

-That's right.

-Well...

-Well, you fancied her, so you asked her oot.

Yous went to the pictures. If my memory serves, it was African Queen that was playing.

And your bottle went cos she grabbed your nuts.

-I never telt you that. Where'd you hear that?

-Winston telt me about a hundred year ago!

-That's no' the same!

-The same as what?

You hearing a story that I didnae...

Ach!

-We're doon a hole right enough, aren't we?

-We're oot o' patter.

-Heard it a', seen it a'.

-The balloon is burst.

Why don't you put the fire on for a wee while, eh?

Stick it on for half an hour.

-Hello...Winifred.

-Hello, Bawbag. Pint of lager.

-Hello, lads.

-Hi.

-What's going on here?

-Don't ask. Last night's the quietest night I've had in eight year.

-Is that right? How's that?

-Cos of yous.

-Eh?

Imagine for a minute you're a young couple.

You're oot takin' in the night air.

And she says, "You know whit, Tugsy Wugsy? I'm thirsty."

And he says, "So am I, Fluffy Bum.

"Why don't we pop into this nice hostelry right here?"

So, they skip up the stair, open the door,

only to be confronted with... the living dead,

in the form of yous old decrepit bastards. So they turn aboot and piss aff!

-I'll tell you why you're quiet in here.

-Why?

-You're a wanker.

-I'm no'.

Aye, you are. ..Eric?

-You are a bit of a wanker, Boaby.

-MOUTHS: Wanker.

And I'll tell you for why

-all your customers are going elsewhere. Grady's.

-Oh, Grady's!

It's smashing there. The big roaring fire, nice cold Guinness - it's smashing. So I'm hearing...

You've been in the Irish theme pub?

Just for fags...and a lime cordial.

So I'm a wanker cos all my customers are drinking in an Irish theme pub?

Aye.

-How does that work?

-Cos you've done nothing to deserve customers, Boaby.

Your theme in here is the theme of shite.

Welcome to The Clansman - enjoy the shite atmosphere, the shite patter, the shite pint.

If you need to use the facilities, have a shite piss!

Routine - that's your killer.

Breakfast, lunch, Clansman,

hoose, tea, bed.

-If you want to live on the wild side...

-Bookies!

-Shite, isn't it?

-Aye, it's shite.

A Mexican night - that would pull the customers in.

-A Mexican night?! What do you do on a Mexican night?

-You could get they hats they wear...they...

-Sombreros.

-Aye.

That thing they hang up that's full of the... They batter it with sticks.

-A Pinata.

-Mind you, they drink that wormy drink - tequila.

That's a misconception, Boaby - you don't get a worm in tequila.

You're more likely to get that in mescal - a drink made from cactuses. That's not all the Mexicans drink.

For cocktails, you could have margaritas or caipirinhas.

-You know an awful lot aboot drink.

-Aye. See us a Thunderbird.

-No.

This Mexican night sounds like a lot of bother.

Have a gay night and invite all your pals.

-Shut up!

-Boaby, you know what's rare? A quiz night.

We go to one on Thursday night at The Swan. It's smashing.

Course I've never won, cos I've aye got this stupid wee bastard on my team!

A quiz night - now you're talking.

What do you need - questions, microphone, wee speaker?

I've got a quiz book doonstairs.

Languages - Italian,

Chinese, Cantonese, Mandarin...

No, no - Italian, the language of love. We'll learn Italian and get ourselves a couple of Italian birds.

Aye, cos Craiglang's full of them(!)

Right, no' languages, then.

Oh, archaeology! Do you fancy that, Jack?

Cutting aboot, digging things up like him with the whip and the hat.

-Aye, Zorro!

-Naw!

-Right, no' archaeology, then. Economics?

-No.

-Engineering?

-No.

-Law?

-How long does it take to become a lawyer?

Five year.

-No, I'll be dead by then.

-Aye.

-Wine-making?

-No, I've never liked wine.

-Me neither. Basket-weaving?

Naw, that's for dafties.

-Oh! Medical proficiency.

-Hmm... what would that involve?

Well, you become...proficient... in the...

medical things in life.

-That might come in handy.

-Aye, one of us takes a tumble, the other one knows what to do.

Aye, if you crack your heid,

-or scald yourself making a cup of tea...

-Yes.

-Or receive a terrible cut from a tin of red salmon.

Or indeed any tin - soup, corned beef...

-sweetcorn niblets...

-That's plenty, Jack.

-Two for medical proficiency, hen.

-Good for you. That's a popular one.

-That class starts tomorrow night.

-In here?

-No, in the west quadrangle.

-What happens through there?

This is the union - you can get a pint in the bar for 75p,

snooker on the top floor, reading room on the second, canteen on the third and an amusement arcade.

Whoa, whoa - back up a bit, sweetheart. How much is a pint?

Right, Wullie, grab the mike and give us a question.

A-hem.

What did Mary...Curry discover?

-Marie Curie!

-Radium!

Let's just see, shall we?

"Wake Me Up Before You Go Go."

-That's no' right...

-Thanks, Wullie. We'll let you know.

Look, I can dae better.

Thanks, Wullie.

Och, I was a wee bit nervous.

I know!

Cheers.

-Right, Mark, where did you do your quizmaster before?

-The Ginnel.

-Tough shop, The Ginnel.

-No' when I'm on.

-Right, grab the mike...

fire us a question.

I'm Mark, your quizmaster.

Question 1 - who was the second man on the moon?

-Who was the second man on the moon?

-I know that.

Right, go.

I know it... It's a funny name. Oh, I know that!

-Oot o' time!

-Buzz Aldrin!

-OOT O' TIME!

-But I said Buzz Aldrin. It's right, isn't it?

Aye, that's right - Buzz Aldrin.

But I'm no' givin' you it cos you were oot o' time! Nae points,

PRICK!

Question 2...

That's smashing, Mark. We've got your number.

What a psycho, eh?

What the hell's the matter with you?

-Hello, lads, what yous for?

-Two lager.

-What's going on?

-Boaby's auditioning for a quizmaster for a quiz night.

-Ah.

We won't have a quiz night unless I can find somebody to read the questions.

-Six people I've seen - all arseholes.

-Is that it?

-One more, Margo.

-Margo?

-Six of the belt from Margo.

-Can I have that question again, Margo?

How are you no' doin' it, Boaby?

Oh, I forgot - you cannae read.

-I'll be pulling pints.

-That sounds rare - a wee quiz, eh, Victor?

Aye, we'll walk that, Jack. A couple of guys like us.

A couple of learned gentlemen like our good selves are.

-What?

-Jack and me are going back to school.

-It's "Jack and I."

No, it's me and Victor.

Up yours. You cannot take the wind from our sails.

-Very soon, me and my colleague will be proficient in all matters medical.

-First aid course?

Aye...

Hello!

I came about the quiz...? ALL: MARGO!

Aye, that's right, aye...

Hello, I'm Kenneth Jordan. Kenny will do.

For the next three weeks, I'll be teaching you medical proficiency or "first aid."

In this short time you will leave here confident, competent

and able to handle what until now may have been a tricky situation.

People have injuries and accidents all the time in many places,

and should an accident happen in your presence, you can provide vital support before help arrives.

Now, then - first of all - do we all have pens, notepads, erasers?

Good. Now...

if you don't know that this is the head,

arms, legs...

well, you might as well leave now.

-Very good!

-Good, aye.

But can anyone, for instance, tell me where the tibia is?

Bzz! Jarvis, Craiglang - leg.

Thank you, Jarvis, Craiglang. Leg. OK.

What do we call this airway here?

Yeah... Trachea. Trachea!

-Thank you.

-This is smashing.

-Yeah, I feel smarter already.

And what are these?

-Livers.

-No, kidneys.

-Oh-ho!

-Dear, oh, dear.

-Livers? Quite poor.

-Jack?

-Oh, Winston...

-Uh!

-Jesus, Jack...

Nobody move - help has arrived!

First, make sure the patient is comfortable by placing him in the recovery position.

How do you feel now, Jack?

Smashing!

Oh, aye...first aid thing. Couple of tits!

-The lovely Margo!

-Hello, lads! Hello, Boaby.

-Did you get the quiz book?

-Aye, I had to hunt everywhere for it.

-What would the quiz book be called?

-It's called...

-Uh-uh!

-As soon as you tell them, it's the end.

-They'll get the same one.

Exactly, Margo - you're dealing with sleekit bastards.

-I'm going to go and put this somewhere very safe.

-Are we getting three pints or no'?

-Want me to get them, Boaby?

-Could you?

-Nae bother.

Victor, come here and see this.

They've taken a hand, stripped all the skin back to reveal all the veins and that. Fantastic.

Is that right, aye? I've seen something better than that.

-What?

-A pickled boaby.

A pickled boaby?

-Oh...that's a belter, isn't it?

-It's disgusting, eh?

But if you had a big boaby like that, you'd want to put it on display.

I'll tell you what's happened there.

That fella's died and the undertaker's clocked that,

picked up the phone and said, "Is that the museum? I've got a smashing big boaby in if you're interested."

-"Good-oh. I'll be down with my saw to hack it aff and stick it in a jar. Cheerie-bye."

-Cheerie-bye.

Come on, we'd better get moving.

-Hello, there.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Are you not going the wrong way?

-We're going to the pub.

-You've got a class.

-What about?

-Dressings.

-Ach!

-Bandages! I know how to put a bandage on. Do you, Jack?

Aye...plaster...boof!

Come on. Come with us for a drink.

-No, you're all right. We're going to the class.

-Squares.

-Chill out, man!

-See you.

-Aye, see you.

-Should we be going to that class?

-Pish! Couple of jars then we hit the library.

-I can dig that. Aye.

I mean, you don't want to get to our age and go, "Christ, I should have let my hair doon."

If I was your age, son...

I'd be out shagging everything that moves.

That's right. Shag everything that moves.

Get us a couple of pints, for your old pals, eh?

That's the boy.

-Dumb.

-Brainless.

-Here, Jack, we'd better watch our time.

-I'm starving. I don't want to go to the library.

-Och!

Bloody library. Daft books.

Reading?!

We'd better curtail our bevvy, mind you, cos we've got a class tomorrow.

-We'll have these two pints just to be sociable and...

-Aye.

-..that'll be that.

-Aye.

Just to be sociable...then hame.

-Go on!

-Come on! Come on!

-Keep going.

-Get it down you.

That's a lot of pens. You planning on doing a lot of writing?

Diary? Memoirs, perhaps?

-They're for the quiz in The Clansman.

-Oh, the quiz.

I'll be there - front and centre.

-See you there.

-Aye, with bells on.

-Nice girl.

-She's working in The Clansman with Boaby. Margo.

-I may be talking too soon, but there might be a wee romance.

-Wi' Boaby?

He couldnae get his hole in a barrel of fannies.

-So you're going to the quiz?

-Aye, I watch all the quizzes, especially The Weakest Link.

But I think Anne Robinson's been going over the top. Too much of the insults.

I think it's the fault of this prick Simon Cowell from Pop Idol slagging everybody.

She's under pressure to up the stakes. There was this nice guy on - quiet, you know.

He was a constable. Know what she called him? PC Plod.

PC Plod?! That's too much.

There's nae need. It gets on my tits.

For months I've been phoning to get on that show. Put her gas at a peep.

If I got a question about numbers, she might say to me,

"I hope you don't count your till receipts that way."

Then the ball would be up on the slates. I'd say to her, "Who are you talking to, you ginger bitch!

"I've been in the business 25 years. I'm up at 6.30 every morning!

"What time do you get up, you lazy cow?

"No, you're out of your depth here, you botox-faced bastard!"

I think you should lay off that Weakest Link for a while, Navid.

-That was some mental night last night.

-Aye.

Got a wee bit oot o' hand, but. I mean, drinking one another's sick!

That was our cue to leave when the boy stuck a pen up his boaby

-and wrote his name on the beer mat.

-Jesus!

Right, Jack boy - black ball, corner pocket for the game.

-Well, hurry up, we've got a class in five minutes.

-What is it?

-Och, scaldings and burns and that.

-Burns?

Just slap a wee bit of cream on it, don't you?

Aye. Rack them up.

MUSIC: "Alright" by Supergrass

Wahey!

# We are young, we run green

# Keep our teeth nice and clean

# See our friends, see the sights

# Feel alright

-# We wake up, we go out... #

-Jack!

A tinny.

# See our friends See the sights

# Feel alright

# Are we like you? I can't be sure... #

ANNE ROBINSON: Why bother when you can sing like that?

You've got to have something to fall back on.

# ..But we are young, we get by

# Can't go mad, ain't got time

# Sleep around if we like But we're all right

# Got some cash, bought some wheels

# Took it out, across some fields

# Lost control, hit a wall

# But we're alright... #

-You know, I'm quite nervous about hosting this quiz.

-Eh?

Och, nonsense. What have YOU got to be nervous about, eh?

-You'll be great.

-You think?

Aye. Absolutely.

Listen...

See once we shut this place up...?

Aye?

You don't fancy...

going for a curry, do you?

Aye, I love curry.

Good.

Good.

I better go get set up, then.

Aye...off you go.

Wait! Wait! Margo...

Shove your quiz up your arse!

Table for one at The Indian Star tonight, Boaby?

-Hello, Margo, darling - how are you?

-Piss off!

Oh, charming(!)

Jeez! Two Fs, Jack.

-Two failures!

-Aye, mortifying, isn't it?

It's your fault. You led me astray.

Aye, I tied you up and forced all that lager doon your neck.

Still, I mean, flunking two piss-easy first aid courses.

Your patient had a sore eye...

and you got him done up like Tutankhamen!

Oh, wait a minute. They're gonna have a bloody field day with this.

-Wi' what?

-Two Fs!

Two As - the both o' you?

-Aye, the both of us.

-The both of us, yes.

-Fantastic. Do you get certificates?

-Aye.

They post them out to you.

But...the post office, you know...

-it'll take ages, won't it? Aye.

-Right, you two are on my team.

-D'you think that arse thing was the right thing to dae?

-Naw.

Jesus, now I've got nobody for the quiz.

Don't panic, we'll get somebody.

CROAKY VOICE: Pint of Guinness.

Is this thing on? MICROPHONE WHINES

Testing, testing, one, two.

Hello everyone and welcome to The Clansman quiz night.

I'm Edith, your hostess with the mostest,

and I'm standing in for... Let's just say we had a technical problem.

Aye, it was a technical knockout!

Let me introduce you to the teams. We have Navid's Numpties. CHEERING

The Douglas Bader dancers.

We've also got the Royal Infirmaries.

That was me that come up with that! On account of them passing their first aid course...

And the Cunning Linguists.

-Cunning Linguists? I don't get that.

-Nae wonder!

Arthur's Arseholes. Charlie's Angels.

And last but not least, the Lawbank Lovelies.

Who I think are cheating, cos there seem to be four of them, not three!

Remember, there's a winning prize of £50 and a hamper generously donated by Navid Grocers.

-That's awful good of you, Navid.

-(It's all oot o' date shite.)

Right, we're aff.

Round 1, Question 1 -

which TV lawyer did Raymond Burr play?

Which TV lawyer did Raymond Burr play?

-Perry Mason!

-You're supposed to write the answers doon, you stupid wee dick!

-That's lucky.

I'd have put doon Ironside.

What is pop diva Madonna's second name? Madonna's surname.

I don't know that. Do you?

-No, I'm no' sure I do know.

-I don't know. Let's take a guess.

-Uh... Macmillan. Is it Macmillan?

-Macmillan? Hauf-wit!

-You said take a guess.

-No, I think it is Macmillan,

-cos they call her "M and M," don't they?

-Aye.

Put Macmillan doon.

Round 2 -

which Kevin Costner film featured the song...

# And I-I-I-I-I-I...

# Will always love you-u-u...? #

-That's plenty.

-Sorry, I got carried away, there.

-Whitney Houston.

-< I love singin'...

Robbie Fowler plays for which premiership club?

Final question...of the final round.

Which fruit is an ingredient

in the spirit gin?

-I don't know. I don't drink gin.

-Me neither.

Shh. Juniper berries.

GRUNTS

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have a tie for the winning place.

The two teams are neck and neck with 52 points.

So...

We'll have to have a tie-break question.

And the tie-break question is between the Lawbank Lovelies

-and the Royal Infirmaries.

-Yes! Up ye! Up ye!

-Up ye!

-Jesus, Jack, that lassie's pregnant!

Right enough. Best o' luck, sweetheart.

And...here is the question.

And it's a medical question.

Yes! Ya dancer! We're in, we're in!

When a person is choking on a piece of food,

it is dislodged...

by what manoeuvre?

(Oh...begins with an H...)

-Well?

-Um...

-Pat on the back?

-B-Back pat...manoeuvre.

-The pat the back manoeuvre.

-Heimlich manoeuvre.

-Correct!

-Yes!

< And the Lawbank Lovelies are the winners with 53 points!

-Yeah! Woo!

-Well done.

-Oh!

-Oh, Jesus.

-Boaby, phone an ambulance. This lassie's having her wean.

-Right.

I don't think I can wait! It's coming! Aagh!

-Is there a doctor in here?

-It's OK, Jack and Victor have just passed their first aid certificate.

-Let them through!

-Naw, Isa...

-It's OK.

-Um...

-Oh...

-SHE SCREAMS

-All right, hen?

SHE SCREAMS LOUDER

Is that...the heid?

I believe so, aye.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS LOUDER

'Jesus...

'what a heid I've got.

'Bloody hell!

'What was I thinking aboot - slapping Margo's arse?'

'You stupid bastard, Boaby!

'Still, the place was mobbed.

'It was a cracking night.'

Aagh!

Morning.