Oot Still Game

-Oh.

-CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF

-That's the one I've got.

-Eh? That one? That's smashing.

-Aye.

The Sharp 37-inch plasma widescreen. 100 Hertz tube, wall-mountable. It's the bollocks. What have you got?

Amstrad. Washed-oot colour, all fuzzy, 14-inch tube, 20-minute warm up.

-It's bollocks.

-I see your dilemma.

Ever tried to watch a big horse race on a portable? Or the fitba'?

Hundreds of tiny wee men chasing a ball you cannae see? It's nae use.

-So what are you after, size-wise?

-I don't know. How much is that?

-£2,700.

-2,700? Right. Let's see now...

-I forgot. It's my arse that's lined with diamonds.

-What about this one?

-How much is that?

-599. How much were you looking to spend?

80 quid? Max.

Aye, well, there's an optician next door. Get a thicker pair of specs!

-Hi, Eric. Hi, Tam.

-Jack, Victor.

-Here we go! Burke and Hare!

-Shut your hole, Boabby. We'd no' rob your grave, we'd piss in it!

-Two pints of lager, ya prick, ye.

-Two pies and a'.

-Two pies?

-No steak pie at the funeral? That's the only reason you go.

-Shut up. We went to pay our final respects.

-That's Billy Ferguson buried.

-Aye.

-Bloody liberty.

-What a way to go.

Heart attack, bad fa', deid. Lying at the back of the door eight days.

Aye. Dug eats you, baws first. Then the face.

-That's what dugs dae, apparently.

-Aye, nothing left of Billy.

-Mind you, the dug had ballooned up tae double the size.

-Full of Billy.

Must be smashing being your age. A wee pain, dug sitting like that...

A dug won't eat your baws. It's a wee fanny you've got.

Eric, you still looking for a hoose up oor block? Get onto the cooncil. There's wan lying empty now.

-Good call. I'll get up there tomorrow.

-Here. Tae Billy.

-Tae Billy.

-Pint of lager, Boabby. Hello, lads.

-Hello, Winston.

-That's Billy planted.

-Billy who?

-Billy nae baws!

-What size was his telly?

-Eh?

-I was oot looking at tellies. Mine's nae use. It's too wee.

-And?

-And I cannae afford it! They're too dear.

How can they justify a' that money for a telly? So I got this.

If you cannae afford a big telly, you can build one.

That's what to dae. While you're at it, build me one an' all, you daft tit!

Whit are ye's laughing at? How hard can it be if you've got the bits? Wires, plugs, valves.

Valves?! You dinnae get valves in tellies any mair. It's all...things.

-Electronicals.

-That's right. And they've got the...um...

..the white light, the big light.

Wow! And you've no' been heid-hunted by Hitachi!

-Mark my words - nothing tae this.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

Gonnae get that for us, Victor?

Hello, Clansman. ..John! Christ, I thought you were deid!

How have you been? ..Smashing! I'll tell them right away. Cheery-bye.

That was John Logie Baird. He says you're an arsehole!

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Yes?

-Sign for this.

-Oh, boy! Am I glad tae see you!

-How? What is it?

-That, son, is a telly.

-In an envelope?

-That's right.

-Aye. Oh, Archie's comin' oot!

-Archie Taylor?

-Aye! You'll no' go. Stay in and watch your envelope!

-No...I want tae see Archie comin' oot. Where's my coat?

-Want a lift?

-You don't drive.

-Aye, I dae. I've got a van. ..In here.

Shut up!

-Boabby!

-Jack, Victor.

-We were coming in for a pint.

-No' the noo. I'm shut.

-For what?

I didnae get that flat. Archie got it. He's comin' oot.

-Whit?!

-They're pulling down his old building.

-You'll never guess...

-Archie's comin' oot!

Aye. How did youse know?

-I want tae get up there early, get a good look at him.

-That's what tae dae, Isa(!)

-How long's he been in there?

-Oh, he went in mid-Sixties.

-Aye. That would be when you moved in.

-I used tae stay a couple of doors doon.

-He's never set a foot ootside his hoose?

-No, complete hermit.

-What does he dae for food?

-Social Services pop up twice a week with messages and that.

-Oh, aye.

Social Services will keep him up-to-date(!) Old tit.

Oh, he's up-to-date. Even a hermit knows you're a wanker, Boabby.

CHANTING: Archie! Archie! Archie! Archie!

Coming through, son. Winston, is he oot yet?

-Hello! Doon for a look at Rip Van Winkle?

-Yeah.

-Archie! Archie! Archie!

-He's no' comin' oot!

Oh! That's the last you've seen of they two!

Archie! Archie! Archie!

Oh! Here he comes!

-Archie boy!

-Jack Jarvis?

-And Victor McDade! How are you?

-How are YOU?

Aye, good. You used tae have a load of black hair.

-So did you.

-Aye.

Funny, comin' oot.

-Now, Mr Taylor, your flittin's at three.

-Aye.

-We've got a car arranged for you. We'll take you to your new flat.

-It's oor block.

-You're in wi' us!

Have a cup of tea. Your furniture will arrive in a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

Is the Bay Horse still over there?

-It's called the Clansman noo, mate.

-Aye, and it's still a shitehole!

-Now, listen, darling. I'm gonna go for a pint. Is that OK?

-Of course.

-We'll give you a lift.

-No! I'd like to walk.

-That's all right, darling.

-We'll look efter him.

-OK, here's your keys.

Welcome oot, Archie. We all clubbed together and got you a Big Mac and fries.

- Enjoy your meal. - Oh, aye. Thank you, son.

Mmm.

That was oot of this world.

-What was it?

-Hamburger oot of McDonald's.

-McDonald's?

-Is that a butcher's?

-A butcher's? No, it's a fast food shop. They're all over the place.

-I could get used to them.

-You and 30 billion others.

-See ootside?

-Aye.

-Where are a' the houses?

-All pulled doon.

-Where are the people?

-All pissed aff.

-Who's the Prime Minister?

-Christ, you no' know that either?

-Naw.

-You ever get a paper?

Naw, I never take a paper.

-What aboot the telly?

-I put my boot through that, 1966 World Cup.

That bastard Geoff Hurst!

-Stupid thing to do, really.

-Not at all, no. I lost a good wireless.

-You've got a lot of catching up tae dae.

-What's that?

These?

No' them, Boabby. They're optics. We had them since the war. That.

Oh, this?

- This...is a microwave. - Microwave? What does it do?

Feel that.

Aye. Cold pie.

MICROWAVE PINGS

Feel that noo.

- It's still cold. - Is it?!

MUSIC: Theme from THIS IS YOUR LIFE

Hey!

Ohh. Champion, isn't it?

Very nice.

-Whit's the sheet for?

-This is the screen, where you see the picture.

-Explain to me again. How does it get on the wa'?

-God! Ya Luddite!

Now, the reason you can see the TV picture from across the room is because it gives out lumens.

So...

What you dae is build a box round your telly, harness the lumens,

magnify them and project them onto a blank, white screen. Voila. Big bastard telly.

Very eloquent, very technical, aye.

-After this, I'm building another.

-Whit for?

-Anybody that wants one...

because once you see this baby in action, you'll all be wanting them!

-That's gieing you a big heid!

-Shut up, Igor, and hit the lights. The monster is about to awake.

Oh, no. That's no' right.

Who is that?

-It looks like Kylie Minogue.

-Aye.

See in real life?

She's totie.

Hey-ho. You fit?

Naw, I don't fancy comin' oot today, boys.

Eh? Aw, we're gonnae dae all sorts.

No, I'm feelin' a bit tired.

-Oh, come on. We'll get you one of them cheesy burgers.

-Naw, I think I'll pass on that, if it's a' right.

-Aye.

-Fine, aye.

-See you, then.

-Bye.

-Tarzan.

-Did you say Tarzan there?

Aye, Tarzan.

-Whit aboot him?

-There's Tarzan, right. He lives in the jungle.

Brought up by animals. He only knows the law of the jungle.

Aye. Wi' his wee pal, Cheetah, the monkey.

-Then he gets taken to civilisation, but he doesnae fancy it.

-Uh-huh?

So he goes back tae what he knows. He goes back tae the jungle!

Smashing, Victor. What in the name of Christ has that got to do with Archie?

-Jesus, Jack! Archie's Tarzan.

-Don't talk pish! What is it you're on aboot?

Archie comes oot, he doesnae fancy it. He's away back in. He's nae mair than a shaved monkey!

-So Archie's Tarzan?

-Aye!

-His flat's the jungle.

-Yes, sir!

So who's Cheetah the monkey?

-Naebody! Archie's aboot tae hole himself up again.

-Aye, I know.

-A' thae years have passed, millions of things have happened.

-Here, we'll go to the library.

-We'll get books, old newspapers and tell him everything that's happened since 1966.

-Nae need.

-What is it now?

-Right, Tarzan, this wummin wants a word with you.

And this...is yesterday's paper.

Imagine, Navid, a home cinema in your front room. You could go for a pish and no' miss the flick.

See, it's ma hoose. Nae couples practically shagging in front of you. Naebody gab-gab-gabbing.

-I take it Isa's no' invited.

-No.

-Ah, quality. How much is it costing you?

-Tenner.

Add me to the Doubting Thomases. You are an idiot.

Good. See you tonight. The main feature starts at eight.

-Feelin' a bit better after your sit-doon wi' Isa?

-I am, Jack, I am.

She's got a gob on her, hasn't she?

I'll tell you, lads, for the first time, I'm enjoying bein' oot.

-Good.

-That's smashing. Good-o.

-So, eh, what made you become a hermit?

-Christ's sake, Boabby!

-Ya tackety-booted bastard!

-It's OK, boys. The lad's just curious.

I was evacuated to a farm during the war. Lovely big place.

Way oot past Stirling. Quiet.

An auld couple looked after me. Really auld.

It was great. Every morning I'd help him feed the animals.

I'd my own horse. The whole thing.

Then we got news. My dad had been killed in Belgium.

Four months after that, ma maw died of TB.

I could have gone to my Uncle John's but my Auntie Betty wasnae keen. Didn't have any kids.

Must have liked it that way. So I grew up on a farm.

Of course, they died.

Aye, the farm wasnae mine, the bank took it, I came back here.

I got a hoose off the Corpie. It was like coming to New York!

There were cars everywhere, buses, music, factories, gangs runnin' aboot!

Comin' back from a farm, it was just too much. At first, I was goin' oot, to the shop an' that...

but that winter I got pneumonia and the social worker got involved. They were bringing the messages.

That was it. I got better, but I never went oot again.

One year, a wee moose came.

Lookin' for scraps an' that.

I was encouraging it, you know.

It was quite happy to run up your arm. I used to talk to it and imagine it talked back.

Every day it came, regular as clockwork.

-So did it die?

-Aye.

It died. I was having my corn flakes one morning, pouring them in the bowl.

It turns out he'd been going every day as well, regular as clockwork.

The corn flakes had wee shit ba's all through it! I set a trap, snapped the wee bastard's back!

I still cannae look at a corn flake.

-Cola dae ye, Navid?

-Aye, soft drink for me.

-DOORBELL

-Are ye in?

-Aye, I'm in. Still a couple of good seats left.

-We brought Archie, if that's OK?

-Of course.

-Here's beer, Winston.

I'll stick them in the fridge. Here. You come through here wi' me.

Right, you'll like this.

Noo...

-I bought this malt back in 1966. 14 quid it cost me back then. That was a lot of money.

-No' half.

I was gonnae open it when England got beat, but needless to say it's still no' opened.

-Here's tae you, old chum. Out and about.

-That's really nice, Winston.

That's a really nice thing you've done. Oot and aboot.

-Don't be touching that!

-What are we watching?

A movie - Towering Inferno.

- Paul Newman's a fireman, Steve McQueen's an architect. - Other way aboot.

One mair, then I'm putting it away.

They arseholes aren't gettin' it.

-Is Fred Astaire no' in this?

-Aye.

-Don't talk pish. Fred Astaire wasnae in Towering Inferno.

-I'm sure he is.

-Aye, right. He comes in and he goes like that.

-# Haud on the noo The building's on fire! #

-Jack, he IS in it.

Seven-thirty... "Towering Inferno - '70s disaster classic. Steve McQueen, Paul Newman,

"William Holden and Fred..." Ah, ya...!

Wait a minute!

7.30! Christ, Winston, hurry up! This picture has started.

-Haud on. Navid, gie Archie your seat.

-No, that's all right.

-Ssh. You up, you sit doon.

-This is rerr.

-Now, gentlemen, what you're about to witness...

-Shut up!

-Turn it on.

-Probably no' work.

-I need a pish.

-Sit on your arse! Gentlemen, prepare to be amazed.

-Whit's goin' on?

-Relax. It's just warming up.

-It's a pile of sh...

-Ho!

-CHEERING

-That's fantastic.

-Like a picture hall!

-I don't know what tae say.

Youse are clamped. Now the light is being refracted from the tube...

-Oh, there he is! Fred Astaire! Get it up you, Jack!

-Shut your hole!

Crystal clear.

Look at that. Look at they flames.

-You're almost in amongst it.

-Very realistic.

-You can practically smell it.

Aye, cos your curtains are on fire.

Aw, Jeez!

Big-screen telly for a tenner!

Plus a set of curtains, a pelmet, hauf a carpet and a radiogram!

He's a dozy bastard!

-Ah, but it could have been a lot worse.

-Aye.

-Could have been, aye.

Aye, well, this is ma floor.

Thanks for a great night, lads.

Aw, no.

Aww, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Bastards! Better phone the polis.

-We'll no' need the polis.

-Whit's a' that?

-40 years' worth of Social money.

-You should have that in the bank!

-I've no' been oot.

-Aye, you should have it in the bank, Archie.

-Aye.

I know.

That's a fortnight noo and naebody's seen him.

He's no' comin' back oot, is he?

First time in years he comes oot and his hoose is tanned! A liberty!

-Enough to turn anybody intae a hermit.

-He was getting on so well.

-Aye, he was settling in nice, the pub and that.

-I don't think it's right, locking yourself away.

-I've a good mind to go and say something to him.

-I'm no' so sure.

Whit can you say to get him oot?

Listen to youse two. Get him oot tae what? Craiglang?

A shitehole of the first order. It's OK for us. We're used tae it.

It's hame for us. We don't know any better, but he's come oot,

looked at Craiglang and us and thought, "Stick it up your arse!"

I mean, pals are few and far between at oor age.

I think we should keep a watch oot for him or go up to the door and tell him he's making a big mistake.

-Aye.

-Aye?

-You're right, Jack. Come on.

Right, chap the door.

-Why? It was your idea!

-You agreed. Chap it!

-You!

-YOU chap it!

-YOU chap it!

-Will you chap...?!

-Lads?

-Look, Archie, is it your intention no' tae come oot again?

Before you answer, you'd be sadly missed. We were gettin' on well.

-Naw, I'm no' comin' oot, lads.

-Think of all you're givin' up.

-What?

-There's us, the park, the toon, the Clansman.

-OK, forget the Clansman. There's lots tae dae!

-Lads, don't worry.

-I'm used to stayin' indoors. That's what I'm comfortable wi'.

-Archie!

How can you be? It's a miserable existence.

Miserable existence? As you can see, I didnae bank the money.

And I'll no' go short of company.

-Oh.

-So you've made your mind up, then?

I have, Jack, aye.

Come on.

Cheerio, lads.

Aye, Archie.

LOCKS ARE PUT ON

-I've left my bunnet.

-We'll get you a new one.

-KNOCK AT FRONT DOOR

-Och! Who's this now?

What is it?

-It's a parcel. You've tae sign for it.

-You better bring it in here.

Stick it through here.

Right. Stick it there.

"Dear Winston, thanks for the dram. Leave the telly building to the Japs. Archie."

Oh, look, Chris. A telly in an envelope!

Subtitles by Subtext for BBC Broadcast - 2004

E-mail us at: [email protected]

Archie? If you're no' comin' oot, can we no' come in?

-Lovely big telly.

-Uh-huh.

And leather couches. Technically, you still would be a hermit.

-There's nothing to say a hermit can't have visitors.

-Nothing at all. Archie?

I suppose that's that then, eh?

Aye. Fancy a pint at the Clansman?

Aye.