Aff Still Game

Right, then. Let's get a look at Oh, no! No, no, no, not good. Not

Aye, not good. Not good at all. It's on the chest. Listen...

Bleugheh-gheh... Gheh-gheh... Cssk...thrrp! I'm just gonnae have

a lie-doon on the couch, wi' a wee HE CHUCKLES Ah, that'll gie the

bastard something to think aboot. That's bad news. What is? Making

out you're at death's door when there's heehaw wrang wi' you. He's

worried sick. Is he buggery?! He called last month there when I had

the flu. Sure I was bad wi' it. And he gives it on the phone, "It's

probably just a cold, Dad. Take a couple of aspirins and away to your

bed." Hmm! Aye, that's right. That's you clamped noo cos you know

what he's like. He's an uncaring bastard. That's enough now. Know

what he said there? What? "Och, Dad, we'll probably not get a holiday

this year. We're too busy." I KNOW that's a lot of pish because the

grandwean let slip to me that's they're going to her maw's for a

fortnight in thingmy... Er, Runcorn. I mean, that's only just doon the

road. Yes, you're quite right, Victor. You have indeed been

treated shoddily, nae, shiteily. If I were you, I would contact my city

solicitor and inform them the McDade millions will not be passed

on to their natural son John, but awarded in its totality to the cat

and dug home. He shall suffer for his lack of concern by receiving

none of my millions and nain of my stuff. Surely he expects to be

bequeathed the side plate of Blackpool. Nor will he ever clap

Oh, Peg, how'd you get on? Fantastic! She was that accurate.

What did she tell you? I'm coming into money. Aye. I'm gonnae get a

holiday. Oh! I've to worry less. aye. And... I've got a big change

coming. That's great news. ..In't it, Meena? ..Good for you, Peggy.

Aye. Next! Oh, Jeez, that's me. Oh- h! Leave your scampi on the table,

hen. I dinnae want ma tent honked Oh, dear, if it isnae Long John

Silver(!) If I was, you'd be first to walk the plank, you bank! Tam.

..Eric. What's wrang wi' you? foot's loupin'. Can barely staun on

it. Is it a bunion or something? it's not a bunion. Here, wait till

I show you. Oh-h, ya bastard! What is that? Put your slipper back on.

That would gi' you the boke. doctor's going to give me something

for it. Aye, a hacksaw! Whoa! Oh, what a joy to behold(!) That's no'

getting better, that's finished. When it draps off, I'll gi' you a

tenner. We'll stick it behind the bar as an attraction. Shut up! I'm

in agony here. Oh, what's going on? It's a scampi and tarot night.

�2.50. Peggy organised it. What's "tarot"? Cards. Looking in the

future and that. Apparently she's Ella, what happened there?

didnae like her reading. Well, what did you tell her? I telt her she

was gonna get knocked down by a motor next Thursday. What did you

tell her that for? That's what it said in the cards. You're no' here

to tell them they're gonnae snuff it. Bobby, the cards dinnae lie. Is

there somebody here in pain... It is a bit whiffy, in't it? Aye, a

wee bit. Do you smoke, Mr Ingram? No, no, not at all, son. I gied it

up five year ago. Too dear, sure. How many would you say you smoked a

day? 10, 15...say, 80. 80?! Well, I would say that could be the reason

for your foot. I'll send you to Dr Fletcher at the Royal, get him to

have a look. Is it that bad, is it? It's pretty bad. Bad enough to

claim Attendance Allowance? Oh, yes, I would say so. I'll have to fill

out a form for the Social Security. Yes, ya dancer! That's the number

of the hospital. Can you get there tomorrow? No problem, son. There's

just one other person I've got to see first.

# I'm in the money! # I'm in the money! I've got a

gammy foot # And it's worth an extra 40 quid a

week in Attendance Allowance! # What are you looking so cheerful

aboot? Doctor says I've to get extra Social Security for my bad

foot. Wha's the matter wi' it? Oh, Jesus! That's boggin'! What caused

that? Years of smoking. Here, you might get lucky, Jack. You could be

Ha-ha! You'll be back in ten minutes, fishing that oot of there!

Jesus, I have known you a long, long time, and I have never seen

you without that pipe. Aye, I know, aye. You've just gotta watch, but,

you know? How's that? They say that when you stop smoking, your weight

shoots up. Oh, aye? Aye. Something to do with the increase in appetite.

Is that a fact, aye? Oh, look at that. You've got a message on your

answering machine. I'll retrieve that. Da-da-da, indeed you will not.

Last time I had a message, you rubbed it out. Oh, Mr Popular(!)

That was about two bloody year ago. Not had a phone call since then,

no? You're just jealous cos I've got a machine AND I've got a

message. Are you gonnae let us hear it or what?

Right. You may retrieve the message now. CLICK! Oh, shite!

What? I've only went and rubbed it oot. Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Only kidding.

Are you ready? Aye, ready. OK. Dad. You're no' in. Maybe you're

sleeping. 'Look, I hope you're feeling better. I'll, er...phone

later.' BEEP! VICTOR CHUCKLES There you are. There you are what? He's

worried. Look, John calls me, if I'm lucky, every six months. He's

called yesterday, there he is today. He's sitting up, he's paying

attention noo. That's no' fair. You've got him worried for nothing.

PHONE RINGS Oh, well, seems to be...working.

STRAINED VOICE: Hello. John, son. Yes, I got your message. I just

went out for a wee bit of fresh air there. Thought it might do me some

good. No, I just seem to have tired mysel' oot. Jack? Yes, Jack's here,

how? (He wants to speak to you. ..Come on!) Get it up you, Victor.

I'm not telling lies for you. Here he is.

Hello, John. Uh-huh. Aye, aye, he's not great, is he? No. No, but he's

got me, sure. Aye, aye. I'll make sure he gets a right good rest.

VICTOR COUGHS That's a smashing idea, son. That's what to do, aye.

Phone the morrow. OK, right you are, Johnny boy. See you later now. All

the best. You are one big, lousy bastard!

Oh, how are you doing, Isa? Terrible. Know what that bloody

spey wife says to me? Ah, the spey wife. You're gonna hear about a

birth, you're gonna get lucky wi' money, and, get this, you're gonna

die on Thursday. What you laughin' You don't believe that, do you?

Everybody else said she was dead accurate. She's put the fear of God

in me. How are you going to meet your maker? Knocked doon by a car,

a silver car. Oh, wait a minute. What? I've got a silver car. Maybe

I'm going to knock you down on Thursday, so I don't have to pay

you on Friday! It's no' funny. I gied her �2.50.

�2.50 for your fortune? You got a plate of scampi an' a'

for that. I think it is safe to assume your

spey wife is talking pish. How's that? Scampi, huh?

A bag of that from the cash'n'carry would set you back about �7.99. How

many of you were there? Um... Eight of us. Eight portions,

huh? Was there tartare sauce? Oh, yes.

So that's another 10p which leaves you with �1.40. �1.40?! With

transport both ways, say �2, that's �4, divided by eight people is 50p.

Take that away from the �1.40, leaves you with 90p. So you're

telling me you queued up to pay 90p to hear you were going to pop your

clogs on Thursday? Forgive me, Isa, but you're being a stupid cow. If

you could read fortunes, would you only be charging 90p? Would you

buggery! Aye! Why don't you give me 90p now, and I'll tell you you'll

wake up as Brigitte Bardot. Six eggs, Navid. Oh, hello, Isa.

Isa, that's Noreen Kirkwood had a wee boy, 7lbs 6oz.

Got a sharp knife in the house? do, aye, how? I bought carrots.

Gonnae cut them into wee bits. Then what are you gonna do? Stick 'em

back together? No, I'm gonnae eat them. Gonnae keep me aff the pipe.

Oh, aye, the pipe. How are you getting on? Shite, actually.

Couldnae get to sleep for ages last night and then, when I eventually

did drap aff, the dreams. What dreams? Pipe dreams. Me, bollock-

naked, running aboot a tobacco field, slow motion, like that, and

the field's on fire. I'm not worried. I just lie doon, fill my

lungs, like that. Those wee carrots are gonnae save

you? Aye, well, let's hope so. PHONE

Oaaarggh! What are you daeing? I'm just getting into character.

STRAINED VOICE Hello. Hello, John. You're what? Half an hour, you say?

Right. OK. Bye. Jack! What? That was John. He's at the airport. He's

here! He's gonnae be here in half an hour. I bloody telt you. Telt me

what? Putting on that performance on the phone! What are we gonnae

dae? What are WE gonnae dae? Don't drag

me into it. I'm doon a hole here.

Aye, you are, but you dug it yourself. Giving it all that, "I'm

gonnae lie on the couch "wi' a hot- water bottle. I'm no' well." You

worked the boy into a frenzy and noo he's here.

Right, right. You open the door... Aye. ..and you say, "You're too

late, your dad's deid!" That's utter shite. He's just aff the

phone to you, says he'll be half an hour, what am I tae dae, say,

"Hello, John. By the way, your dad died ten minutes ago"? You're right.

It's garbage, Jack. YOU think of something.

How have I got to think of something?

You spoke to him last. You probably laid it on too thick.

You're to blame. Oh, aye, aye. That's right. I'm to

blame, aye. I accept that. Here's what we'll do. I'll get an Irn Bru

bottle and batter your bastard melt in wi' it! Then you will be ill

when he comes to the door. What a Hold on, but... How does this

Oh, no! What's up wi' you? I found a tenner, Navid. Oh, jeez, that's

bad. What's bad about finding a...? Ah, the spey wife. First the birth,

now the money, huh? I'm gonna get killed by a car on Thursday. Now,

Isa, calm your beans. It's a coincidence. Oh! You're not gonnae

die on Thursday. Put it to the back of your mind. Don't let your life

be ruled by such silliness. Do you think? Aye. Oh. I'm just being daft,

in't I? Aye, but just in case, huh, maybe I should pop this in the

window, hey? Grapes? Any grapes? Aye, just there.

Aye, right. Wait a minute, People's Friend. Oh, and I need Lucozade and

paracetamol. Right-o. I need big hankies. Aye,

they'll do. Are you OK there?

Er, me, aye. What a bloody day I'm having. I've gied up my pipe, you

know. Oh, good for you.

I'm all yon jangly way, you know. I'm sure that will pass. I'm sure

it will. If I ask you for tobacco, under no

circumstances let me have it, OK? Understood. Doesn't matter how much

I want it. No. I've no' to get it. You've no' to get it. Beggin',

pleadin' shoutin' and bawlin', doon on ma knees, I have not to get

tobacco. No tobacco. Right. OK. you later. I'll take a packet of

tobacco. Navid! Come on, Jack, a sale's a sale.

Aye, you big bastard, you! It will always be here for you, Jack.

DOORBELL WEAK VOICE: Jack...who's that? It's your son, John, came to

visit you. Dad?

John, son, it's good to... STARTS COUGHING. Come closer, son. Let me

see you. Ah, you're getting old, just like your da. How was your

flight, son? Och, never mind that. How are you? Ach, you know. Jack!

What? Can I get a wee cup of tea? Aye, aye. Jack, could you run us up

a wee plate of sandwiches, an' a'? What do you want on them? Cheese.

Could you grate it, but? Grate it? Put a wee bit of onion through it.

Onion. And Branston Pickle. Pickle? Right!

Right, hello, Mr Ingram. You wish to apply for Attendance Allowance?

For my fit. You take fits? No. For my foot. What's wrong wi' it?

knackered. What do you mean? It's sore when I walk, when I'm sleeping,

it's sore all the time. You want extra money for that? Yes. We'll

need a doctor's report. Of course. That won't be a problem. Of course

it won't. What do you mean, "Of course it won't"? Well, as I can

see from your file, it's one of the things you excel in - claiming. In

1992, you claimed for a new cooker AND a new fire because you said two

big men came in, tied you up, and stole them.

That's right. That was horrible, that. Last year, you claimed a

laundry allowance because of incontinence due to a motorcycle

accident. Yes, yes, that's quite correct. I was on the sidecar of my

mate, Phil's, er, motorcycle. We hit an oil patch, and - boof! -

that was it. It came away and I shat myself. That was me after that.

I just got into the way of it. I've got a big nappy on right now.

this claim, to be honest, is a bit of a let-down. Eh? It's not very

imaginative, is it? I do have a bad foot! I don't think you do. Well,

darlin'... How would you like to get your tongue in-between those

tootsies? Get that off my desk! So, he's no' staying wi' you, then?

No. He's checked hissel' into one of they big hotels in the toon.

don't you come clean and tell him you've been acting the goat?

That'll be right. He'll go aff his nut. When are you seeing him again?

He's gonnae pop up later. Anyway, that gies us a chance to get a pint.

Aye... Aggh! Dad! Oh-h! What are you doing oot? What am I doing oot,

Jack? Eh? Er, I thought we could see if he could manage a wee pint.

With all due respect, I think my dad should be in the house. John's

right. I should be in the hoose. that's a lot of nonsense, Victor,

sure. Wee bit of company will do you the world of good. I'll come

wi' you. MOBILE RINGS Excuse me, Dad, Jack. ..Hello? It's the hotel.

What'll we dae? Go for a pint. everyone in the Clansman will be

wondering what's wrang wi' me. pint! Oh-h! Aye, aye, take your

I'll just stand here for a wee minute, catch my breath. It's

awfully smoky in there, Jack. wait wi' you, then. Right, I'll

wait an' a', then. Oh, er...no, I'm Here, listen. Tam, Eric, shh!

..Bobby. Victor, no' well at all. What's wrong with him?

Nothing. His boy's here from South Africa

cos Victor made out he's no' well. Why? He just did. Victor's laying

it on thick...crinkle-cut crisps. That's what I like alang wi' ma

beer. Three lagers, please, and the crisps.

Take a seat, Dad. Aye. Beer, Victor, are you sure? I could get you a wee

lemon tea or a hot chocolate, seein' as you're no' well.

Have you got a toilet in here? got a terrible attack of the thirst.

Lager, please. Victor's buying. Otherwise I'll go in that cludgie

and start blabbering. Rat! I'll have one an' a'. You know me, I

like you, but I'd stick you in it. Single malt buys my silence. Right,

you bastards! Jack, do you think he's buying it?

I don't know, Victor. Looks suspicious to me. Here's what I'll

dae. I'll take a fall. Aye, do that, aye. Oh-h! What are you doing, you

clown? He'd be better seeing you do it. Right, I will cue you to fall,

right? Hold it. Hold it. That's you. Oh-h! No, false alarm. That's not

him. Up you get. That's you. Eh? (Victor!) Oh-h! Oh, I've fallen! Oh,

Finished? Aye. There's nothing wrong with you, is there, Dad?

Hm-hm! That'll be �5.60 for your Ah, now, Doctor, give it to me

straight. I can take it. I'm a man. Are they gonnae have to hack it

aff? Yes. What?! You should have come to us sooner with this.

There's been no circulation for far Agh! Look out! Oh, Navid! You were

stauning there, waiting on it. couldnae move. I'll give that spey

wife her due. She's bloody good. John! John! No, Dad, forget it.

John! Nothing wrong with you now, is there, Dad? For God's sake, hold

I'm very angry at you right now, Dad. I know, I know. I'm way out of

line. Out of line?! I flew over here, worried sick. For what? For

nothing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I know, I know.

you no' think I've better things to do than coming here for a joke, for

a prank? Listen, son... I'm busy. I'm at a very important part of my

career right now. I'm sorry. Oh, it's a bad way to behave. I've been

stupid. I'm a silly old bastard! But you, you never bloody phone!

I'm on my own here. Apart from Jack, I've naebody. Did you know that

Jack took me with him to Canada a few weeks back? Canada?! See, you

didn't even know that, did you? No. Did it ever occur to you that I

might be missing you? I mean, all this... I'm sorry. I'm missing you.

What like was Canada? Smashing, aye. Oh, they love their grub - full of

How does this sound, eh? We'll all come over this summer, spend some

time together. Aye, aye. No, no, we'll come over. I'll book it when

we get back to the hoose. I mean it. I'll no' let you down. Really?

You guys all right, are you? Aye, aye, we've said wur sorries, aye,

Jack, aye. Aye, we're good. In't that right, John? Brand new, Dad.

Glad to hear it. Jack! Your pipe! Aye, I know. Well, there's a hell

of a lot going on, you know. John's coming over in the summer

with the family. Are you? I am indeed. That'll be smashing. JOHN

CHUCKLES What are you laughing at? I cannae wait to see their faces

when I tell them they're not going to Disneyworld, they're going to

Craiglang. Disneyworld! council's just repainted all the

swings in the park. I'll buy a new ball out of Navid's. New Greggs

open in the High Street. So JUN busted you write their?

It is a shame, I am sorry I missed that. The way that I see it, I have

been lucky. I was doing FF80 a day, not messing about. You never think

said you are lighting up that they will one day lead -- take a limp

off you. Jack is better.

The guide the end of the war... Wants to buy my slippers of May.