Wireless Still Game

Phil!

-Tam!

-What are you in for?

Getting a new pacemaker in the morning.

Are ye? You've only had that one a couple of years.

Aye, I know.

I took the grandweans to one of them LaserQuests.

Ye know, where the weans shoot one another wi' laser beams and lights flashing.

Thing went aff its nut. I got carted.

Oh, Jeez-o.

So that's me.

-It's a bastard, cos I was supposed to be going my holidays on Wednesday.

-Oh, aye. Yer timeshare.

I'm very sorry, sir, but it's well past visiting time.

Excuse me, hen.

Don't you recognise ma face?

Tam Mullan.

-Hospital DJ?

-Oh, aye.

I've seen yer face on the radio.

Beat it.

I'll be seeing you Phil, eh? I'll be thinking of ye. Keep strong.

Keep positive.

So, eh... that yer timeshare lyin' empty?

-Dirty bastard.

-Dirty stinkin' bastard.

Dirty, low-order stinkin' bastard.

Dirty, low-order, hoachin', stinkin' bastard.

-Bastard!

-Aye, he's a bastard.

I might well be a bastard but in a week's time I'll be a golden brown bastard.

Takin' a dying man's holiday.

He's no dyin'. He's incapacitated.

I'm doing him a favour. Hoose watching, you could call it.

Pint of lager, Bobby. What have I missed?

There's Phil Johnson lyin' up there in the hospital, cannae get goin' his timeshare holiday.

Tam's hoovered it aff him!

-Dirty, low order, stinkin'...

-Aye, we've gie'd him that.

Aye, good! That's you all o'er, isn't it, Tam?

-Whit?

-Spongin' stuff aff the ill.

Whit's wrang wi' ye? Stone deaf?

Nothin' they can dae? Shame.

-Gie's yer Walkman...

-Shut up!

-Who's doing your show while you're away?

-Good question.

Timely. Apt. Know what I never dae?

-What's that?

-Buy Jack and Victor a pint.

Would you like a pint? Jack? Victor?

Nice cold pint? Tasty? Frothy?

No thanks. No way, Jose.

-How no? All you're daein' is spinning some records.

-No.

-Cos then we would be accomplices in you stealin' that man's timeshare aff him.

-I'm due a holiday.

I have been going up there for two year every week.

Playing records for thae people.

I have given tirelessly of myself for no reimbursement,

apart fae tea, sandwiches and my weight in biscuits...

Gie it a rest.

C'mon, Jack. They people've got nothing.

Lying up there, no' knowin' what's coming next.

Be it good news or bad news.

There's no' a lot of joy in a hospital.

It's a lonely place if you're no' well.

Ma show is a glimmer of hope. A beacon of happiness to a lot of people who need it.

I won't have that sullied. Not by youse, not by anybody!

New watch, Tam?

John Gilchrist. Ward ten. Cancer.

Family size bag o' Revels, Navid.

-That's no' a family size bag.

-Aye, it is.

-No, it's no'!

Jesus, it is! Take them. 80 pence.

I'm no giving it! That's no' a family bag.

Christ, look! This is a regular bag.

-This is a family bag.

-I know what a family-sized bag looks like.

I should know. And that's too wee.

That's all the wean'll eat, in't it, Justin?

We've tried him wi' vegetables, fish, meat.

All he likes is a family bag o' Revels.

Well, you have the peanuts, caramel, orange, coffee,

so I suppose all the food groups ARE represented.

80 pence.

He had these for his breakfast.

Look at the size of it. That's a family bag. THAT isnae!

No, you're right. That is a full-size family bag.

This is for you. A single-parent family bag. 80 pence.

Hurry up, Meena! What are doing in there?

-SPEAKS IN PUNJABI

-Sit on yer crate and read that!

Come on, my back teeth are swimming here!

IN PUNJABI

Just gonnae gie the floor its wash, Navid. Murder that, in't it?

When you're needin' and somebody's in there.

TAP RUNNING

Meeeena!

Meena, you are rotten! There's a can of Haze here, ya stinky boot!

Right, out you come.

Oh, shit.

Hold the lift!

Hold the lift!

Oh! I nearly missed that there.

What's in your bag?

Never mind what's in the bloody bag, Isa.

Looks like LPs.

What's this, X-ray vision? You're correct, it is LPs.

Victor and I are standing in for Tam at the hospital radio.

That's good of you! I've got LPs here an aw! Funny that, in't it?

What are the chances of us both staunin' here wi' a stack of LPs?

Spooky. C'mon.

I'm away to ma wee dance evening at the community centre.

That's them started up again, ye see.

We each take turn at bringing the records. That's how I've got....

The LPs! Smashing, Isa. Good.

Ye might see Navid up at the hospital.

-Navid? What's the matter wi' him?

-Couldnae say that.

That's a confidential thing, that.

A man's health. He couldnae get a pee.

20 minutes he stood, squeezing, shoving and grunting. Not a drop.

Oh, there I've telt youse. Winston, what's your part in all this radio business?

-I'm helping them.

-Oh, aye? Helping them?

Runnin' aboot after them like a sort of tea boy?

Do you mark yer diary to get on my tits, Isa?

I was just thinking, if the boys don't need ye, ye might like to accompany me to the dance class.

We're always looking for partners. Big, handsome man like yersel',

I'd be the envy of all the girls! # Oh, Rose-Marie-e-e

# I lo-o-o-ove you-u-u-u... #

I'm racking my brains here, Isa, to come up with reasons why not. Oh, that's right.

I've only wan leg, I've never liked you and - this just in -

naw!

Good feeling being in a hospital and there's nothing wrang wi' ye.

-Aye. Makes ye appreciate yer health, don't it?

-Lads...

Look at this. There's yer audience.

There's no business like showbusiness.

-Are you helping us or what?

-Aye.

-Well, c'mon then.

Hey-ho, Tam!

You're late. Sit doon.

Sit here.

-What'll you be daein'?

-Stuff. Helping.

-A lackey!

-Whit?

A footman. A toady, if you will.

-Shut up!

-Right, Tam, how do I switch this mic on?

Doesnae matter.

You don't need to talk - I never dae.

-Just play some records.

-Nae talking?

Ma heid's full of shite for talkin'!

Aye, we've got loads o' pish ta say.

Just keep it simple.

One record finishes you put another one on. You don't need to talk.

Apart from, on the hour, every hour, gie it, "This show is brought to you by Lanarcare."

It's comin' up. Gie it a shot!

Right, er, mic, is it?

This show is brought to you by Lanarcare.

Oh, that was good!

Right, lads, you're off air at ten.

-I've got to go and get wan of these electrical bug mosquito killer things.

-I've got one of them.

Have ye?

Could you lend me it?

Suppose so.

That's great of ye. That's a saving.

I'm away. Enjoy yersels, now!

-Well?

-"Well" what?

Two teas, please!

Generally with men your age it tends to be an enlarged prostate.

But I wouldn't rule out at this stage a stricture or a kidney stone blocking your bladder.

That's good, Doctor, but when can I pish again?

That's what we're going to find out.

I need to do an internal examination of your prostate.

Aw, Jesus. Up the butthole?

I'm afraid so. Just roll onto your side.

Bring your knees up to your chest.

And relax.

You'll need to relax a wee bit more than that.

Bit more than that.

I'm trying to relax!

-There we are.

-Oi!

-Any joy?

-I'm just going to press on your prostate.

You may feel a slight discomfort.

Slight, eh? I'll be the judge of...

Jesus!

Sorry about that.

That's all right.

Don't worry. We'll get you up to a ward and have you fixed in no time.

Good. I cannae have Meena daein' that every time I need a wazz.

# Agadoo, doo, doo Push pineapple shake the tree

# Agadoo, doo, doo Push pineapple, drink coffee

# To the left, to the right Jump up and down and to the knees

# Come and dance every night To a hula melody... #

Ooh, Margaret...

I'm sweating like Pavarotti in a cake shop!

Hello, hen, how you doing? You should be up dancin', Liz.

I'm saying, Liz here, she should be up dancing. Where's that Kenny of yours?

He's usually wi' ye. Lazy bugger, eh?

Isa!

Kenny's no deid, is he?

Oh, Jeez-o!

SLOW MUSIC PLAYS This is borin', in't it?

Aye. It's no' as fun as I thought it was gonnae be.

How're we no allowed tae talk, Victor?

Tam says we've no' tae talk.

Tam's no here. I'm choking tae talk.

I'm choking tae say, "Hi there, welcome to the Jack Jarvis show".

-How's it your show?

-I'm no' being funny, but ma name's got more of a DJ ring to it.

"Jack Jaaarvis."

So's mine.

-"Victor MacDaaade."

-That's nae use.

See, ma name's got two letters the same. JJ! Jack Jarvis!

"Gyrate tae Jack Jarvis!"

I'm Victor MacDade.

That's your record I played.

-What about the Jack and Victor show?

-What about the Victor and Jack show?

What about The Jack Jarvis and Victor show?

What about "Desert Island Dicks?"

If we did start talking, what would we say?

-That's the thing. DJs just talk a lot of shite anyway, don't they?

-Aye.

Aye! Right, Winston?

-No, no mair tea, no way!

-Not at all.

You've been promoted to the position of collector of requests.

-Smashin'! That's better.

-Aye. Take that pad and pen.

Go round the wards and find out what everybody wants tae hear.

Jack! Lanarcare.

This programme was brought to you by...Lanarcare.

Keep going.

Oh, by the way,

If you are wondering who's that strange voice on the radio, I'll put you straight in the picture.

Your usual host is on holiday.

So standing in for him this week is, Me, Jack Jarvis and my good friend...

-..Vic Vaughn. Hello, Vic(!)

-Howdy, JJ!

Currently circulating the wards is our good friend Winston Ingram

collecting requests for your listening pleasure!

For your delectation.

-For your enjoyment.

-Hope you enjoy this.

Joe Loss, with his rendition of Glenn Miller's "In The Mood"!

GLENN MILLER PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND

Aye. Thanks for dropping in for dinner.

Look at that. She visits, sits for an hour, says nothing.

She tans ma grapes!

It's like a family tree wi' nae names on it!

-Navid! Huv ye had yer op?

-Aye, Winston.

You're looking well. There couldnae have been much tae it.

Naw there was nothing to it, it was a skoosh.

Just three feet of cable jammed up my cock.

Now I'm pissing blood into a bag for two days, what a laugh.

-Was that Jack and Victor I heard on the radio?

-Aye. They're staunin' in for Tam.

-I'm taking requests.

-Smashin'.

I'll take Long Da Lishkara.

And if they don't have that?

Um, Zindagi Ka Safar.

Right. Anybody else?

Anything by Lena Horne?

Right-o.

-Yes?

-Daniel Bedingfield. # I gotta get through this!

# I've gotta get through this! #

Jesus. Right.

Come here, son.

What can I dae for ye?

Have ye got Nelson Eddie singin' Rose-Marie?

Aye, that we could probably dae!

-How ye keeping?

-Aye. Good.

Can I come in?

Aye, Isa.

-Do you know ma trouble?

-What's that?

I've got a mooth like the Clyde tunnel.

I've always been the same.

Talk first, listen later.

Margaret telt me there about your Kenny.

I'm awful sorry.

Aye. ..He loved this wee class.

When we were getting ready he'd be the one shoutin' "Come on!

"Come on! Get yer skates on!"

I really shouldn't still be coming.

You know, my granny and granda loved their gairden.

When we were wee they would let ye play in it, but you had tae be careful, cos it was pristine.

Beautiful flowers all round about it.

Their wee lawn was like a putting green.

Every weekend they were in it, pottering about.

When my Granda died, that was it.

My granny wouldnae go out there.

She let the garden run to seed.

We tried to coax her to keep it nice, but she wisnae interested.

Without him there, she didnae want anything tae dae with it.

The place ended up like a jungle.

A right mess, covered in weeds.

And I remember thinking, "If ma granda saw that, he'd be fizzin'.

No' angry cos the garden was a mess.

Angry cos she wasnae looking after it like they had.

You've got to keep dancing, Liz.

MUSIC STARTS

Come on.

Seven...multiplied by the nine, times ten.

Minus the five...

minus seven. 618.

HUMS COUNTDOWN THEME

Aw, ya bastard, I've used the seven twice!

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hello, Winston?

-Tam? Are you at the airport?

-No yet.

Eric's giving me a lift in a minute.

Taxi fair saved. Well done.

What is it?

Do you have any sun cream? Sun cream?

I've gie'd ye every thing else.

Towels, shoes, case, sunglasses! Chase yerself.

But you know that stuff is £8.99 a bottle?

I'm fair-skinned, I'll burn up.

-£8.99!

-Keep yer bunnet on.

C'mon now. What's that stuff you put on yer heid at the bowling?

-Factor 25. I got it fae the chemist.

-Chemist?

Bit oot ma road, the chemist.

Right, fine. Come round and get it.

That's the game. See ye in a minute or two.

It's now coming up to 7.30.

Time to hop on the feel-good bus for a trip down memory lane. Jack!

MUSIC: "Hard To Handle" by Otis Reading.

# I can give you what you want but you got to go home with me

# I've got some good old lovin' and I got some in store

# When I get through throwin' it on you

# You got to come back for more

# Boys and things will come by the dozen

# But that ain't nothin' but drugstore lovin'

# Pretty little thing let me light your candle

# Cos momma, I'm sure hard to handle Now I gets around

# Actions speak louder than words, I'm a man with a great experience

# I know you got you another man But I can love you better than him

# Take my hand, don't be afraid I'm gonna prove every word I say

# I'm advertisin' love for free So won't you place your ad with me?

# Boys will come a dime by the dozen But that ain't nothing but ten cent lovin'... #

That was for Sheena who's getting out this evening.

Sheena, darling, hope we don't see you back in here again too soon.

What is it you're saying to people who are suggesting that the health service isn't doing enough?

The waiting list for operations is getting shorter.

I've got a pal who's been waiting three years for a hip replacement.

What do you say to him?

-Statistically speaking...

-Ach, away and don't talk a lot of shite.

Here's a mention for a good friend of ours, Navid.

If you ever find yourself in Craiglang, be sure to pop in to Harrid's general store,

for your fruit, veg, bread, pipe tobacco and a warm, friendly smile.

That's ma shop! That's ma shop!

But don't expect to see him in the shop for the next few days, because he's in here, wi' pisser problems.

Eh, everythin' all right there?

Aye, they're shifting me. Want tae keep an eye on me.

What aboot ma song?

-Your song?

-Aye.

Nelson Eddie.

Rose-Marie.

Jesus. Aye. Did they no' play that?

I'll look into that. Good luck!

-It's Winston, isn't it?

-Aye, hen.

It would be good if you could play that record for Tommy. Today.

How?

We're not sure he's going to make it through the night.

Oh, right.

-Sorry, Winston. We huvnae got it.

-That's how we've no' played it.

Aw, shite.

-Can we no just play him something else?

-He's asked for it. And, um...

-Looks like he's gonnae snuff it the night.

-Christ.

-Nelson Eddie? That's the 1930s, in't it?

-Aye.

-How does it go again?

-Er...

# Oh, Rose-Marie, I love you

# I'm always dree-aming... #

# Aw, Rose-Marie-e-e-e I love you-u-u-u... #

I'll be back in half an hour.

Right, here we go... D-Day.

Or P-Day.

Right, come on now. Don't let me down, my little lavda....

-TINKLING NOISE

-Aw, ya beauty!

And cease pishing...

Commence pishing.

Oh, yes!

I pish at will. Like a man should!

For I am the Prince of Pish!

When the Prince is finished pishing, can the Duke take a dump?

Aye. Sorry.

Not so fast.

We're doing something for you - but what are you doing for us?

Good-looking fella like you.

CEILIDH MUSIC STARTS

Must be grim that, eh?

What's that?

Being told you're no' gonnae see the morning.

Aye.

That's me noo. It's happening.

I'll get the nurse.

No. Stay.

Stay here.

It's been a long road we've walked together.

I'm just sorry...you'll have to walk the last bit yourself.

I've got it.

-What's his name, Winston?

-Tommy.

This one goes out to Tommy.

# Oh, Rose-Marie, I love you

# I'm always dreaming of you

# No matter what I do I can't forget you... MACHINE BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY

# Sometimes I wish that I had ne-e-e-e-e-ver met you-u-u-u

# And yet if I could hold you

# Would make my very life....

Rose-Marie!?

Rose-Marie!? Ya bastards!

Rose-Marie was his bit on side!

Fancy piece! I'm Agnes!

-Can ye see him?

-Oh, Jesus, that's him.

Sit doon!