Dial-a-Bus Still Game

That's smashin', Davie. That'll do me here. I'll just get my messages.

No, no, no, Isa!

I'll get your bags. That's what I'm here fur.

That's awfy guid of ye, son!

Mary, see ye at the bingo and say hello tae Mamie fur me!

Janice, keep well, hen! Dougie!

Hello, youse two. Say hello tae ma handsome helper.

-This is Davie. Davie, this is Jack, Victor.

-Hello.

-How do!

Davie drives the Dial-A-Bus.

-Aye, I've seen it floatin' about.

-So, can anybody use that, Davie?

Well, it's supposed to be for the infirm just.

But if I'm passing and I see somebody needs a lift, I just stop.

-So if ye saw us struggling' wi' shopping or that...?

-Aye.

Or struggling wi' bein' pished?

Where are ye gaun?

Eh, Clansman. Know where that is?

Aye. Fraser street. I pass by it all the time.

-Aye, so ye dae.

-Aye.

Oh, aye, on ye get!

Aye, smashing.

Here ye are Isa, pet.

Want me to drop ye at the bingo tomorrow?

Aye. 11.30?

I'll be there.

-Lovely woman, Isa.

-Aye, if yer stone deaf.

-Sorry?

-Nuthin'. Clansman.

-Clansman, aye.

We've won a watch here.

-Oh, aye.

-Think about it, Jack, if we jumped a taxi, we'd be what...?

-£2.40? £2.60? £2.80, if they go through the scheme as they often do!

-Aye.

20 pence tip, yer up at three quid.

But this...

This is a gift!

Might be him that's drivin', but it's us that's takin' the silly bastard for a ride!

-That's a bit harsh, is it no'?

-I'm only kidding. We'll slip him a quid or something.

Here we go.

-Here, Davie, take this...

-Away ye go. Come on.

Oh, all right.

You're some man, Davie. If ever we see you in the Clansman, we'll get ye a pint.

I'll maybe take ye up on that!

Aye. Every Tuesday for...I dunno.

Eight weeks or so?

Aye, that's great, ideal.

Smashin'.

OK. Thank YOU.

-Ho-ho! It's the Two Ronnies.

-We're the Two Ronnies noo. Well, it's shut up ya prick from me...

And it's shut up ya prick from him!

LAUGHTER

Two lager.

-Make it three.

-Hello, Winston.

Oh!

-Should youse two no' be sittin' doon?

-Eh?

-I'm just sayin'...

-Shut up. We heard ye. What ye sayin'?

I'm talkin' to the two old pensioners that just got aff the Dial-A-Bus!

What of it? If we got a taxi...

Ye'd step oot a taxi wi' yer dignity intact.

But the Dial-A-Bus is for decrepit auld dafties!

-No, it isnae. That's plenty.

-Winston's right, Victor.

Have you looked at the faces on that bus? Nothin' going on but the rent.

"Oh, we're on the Dial-A-Bus! We're on the Dial-A-Bus! Ho-ho-ho!"

See if you look above the driver? There's a destination.

It says "crematorium"!

Shut up! It's a bus like any other bloody bus!

No, it isn't. It's a nicely-painted coffin on wheels. That's yer first step to getting planted!

-Say what you like. It's a service.

-There's always a service before the funeral!

You should take a leaf out of my book.

Get some exercise.

Get a bike.

Is that yours, eh?

Aye. Halfords. Ten speed.

I'm getting fit, lads.

Gaunie cycle round the countryside.

Brewery's sending in a temp.

I've spent too long stuck in here festering.

Breathin' in your second-hand smoke.

Good luck tae ye.

Aye, very nice indeed.

Only wan thing missing - a wee bell.

Or ye should get a wee set of streamers.

Course, that bike'll no dae ye.

-How?

-Ye don't want a crossbar that goes along like that. You want one that goes doon like that.

That way when you get off it ye'll no' hurt yer fanny.

-Right, Navid, that's the van all gassed up.

-Thanks, Tam.

What? Why are you awkwardly lingering?

-Am I?

-Oh, aye. I've changed my mind. We're not going cash and carry the day.

Aw, Navid! That's whit I filled the van up for.

I've been looking forward to this. Could barely sleep last night!

What an empty, hollow, dull, miserable life you lead, Tam,

that you could get such a boner at the thought of going to the cash and carry!

We'll go Tuesday.

Oh, Navid. Ye've made my day.

Ooh, the free samples!

Ah'm coming tae get ye!

-Saturday. Finest day of the week.

-I love a Saturday. What are we daein' the day? Museum of Transport?

Aye, we enjoy the transport museum.

-Or I've got a couple of books needing taken back to the library.

-I'm due a new book.

-I'm needin a battery for this watch. We could hit the high street.

-Aye, Aye.

-Oh, fitba match. Oh, the match!

-We've no' done that for a while.

-Get a pint?

-Aye, pint. C'mon!

Och, is that the rain?

Och, it's a thought, walkin' doon to the Clansman in that.

We could aways get that Dial-A-Bus.

Naw. Let's not start getting intae that. Shanks's pony, that's what keeps us fit!

-Aye. Got tae keep walkin'.

-We're auld, but we're no' that auld!

We're a far cry from getting lifted and laid in some special bus!

-Here's the bus noo. C'mon!

-Is it? Good!

Doesnae matter what they say, ye cannot beat a freebie!

-Too right. But we'll make for our money, as if we're gaunie pay.

-Aye, good yin.

-Oh, where's Davie?

-He's aff. Are youse getting oan?

-Day aff, is it?

-No. He's aff wi' depression.

I cannae imagine what he's got to be depressed about.

-Aye.

-Are youse getting on?

-How much is it to the Clansman?

£1.05 each. 50 pence if youse have got cairds.

Huv youse got cairds?

I've left mine on the sideboard...

Victor, where've you left yours?

I've left mine on the sideboard also.

That's a shame. £1.05 each.

You've got tae have yer cairds on ye.

Aye, it'd be the end of the bastarding world, wouldn't it, if ye let us on, eh?

So where ye headin'?

Gaunie go as far past Loch Lomond as I can. See how I go.

-Anythin' else you need to know?

-No, no. No worries.

Good, cos it'll no' be that busy. Never is on a Tuesday.

But listen, see the regulars?

They can be sarcastic bastards, so don't take any pish aff them.

I never dae.

Hello, Bobby Boy.

You look like a prize wanker.

Where are ye, ya bastard?

Ah, bingo!

Ooh!

-What's this, ma darlin'?

-Nut Nuggies.

Nut Nuggies?

I'll try one of them.

Oh...peanut butter, is it?

-Yes. Wrapped in chocolate with almond flakes.

-Oh...

Smashin'.

I own a chain of grocery stores, you see.

I do a lot of buying...sampling.

-Could I...?

-Of course!

That's smashing.

BIRDS ARE SINGING

Thanks, cheers.

HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY

Hello?

Hello, son.

-You the temp frae the brewery?

-Yes. I'm Matt.

-Good. I'm Harvey Gallagher.

I'm the owner.

I thought Bobby was the owner.

Boaby telt ye that, did he?

No, Boaby WISHES he was the owner.

Nae offence, son, I've caught him saying that before, tryin' tae get his hole aff the lassies.

-I'm the owner. Boaby's ma manager. See?

-Right.

Boaby the owner!

See when I get a haud of him, he's gaunie get chased aff that bike.

-Oh, thanks for that lift the other night, Eric.

-Lift?

-Aye. Lift. Ye know?

-Oh aye, lift!

Gie Eric a hauf, will ye, son?

Mmm. They're very moreish.

I don't know what my customers would make of them.

D'ye think I could...?

Sadie! The godmother tae ma son!

Put yer purse away, hen, yer money's nae good here.

You'll find a lot of people in here generally drink for free.

I just don't know how I turn a profit!

Take a drink, Matt.

-I don't really like to...

-Pish!

-We always have a good drink on a Tuesday. That right, Eric?

-Aye!

Gie Jack and Victor a phone. Tell 'em tae get doon here...

Ye'll like Jack and Victor. Good pals of mine.

They like a drink, tae. They saved my life one time!

Aye, pulled me oot the canal.

And...

..I'll also be getting rid of my stack of hard-core porny books.

I've read them all noo anyway and...

I'm getting too old for the chugging.

Sweet mother of God!

I'm really glad you came to help, Tam. Ya greedy bastard.

How many did you eat?

20? 25?

I don't remember pulling Winston out any canal, do you?

Naw.

You'd remember a thing like that.

Mind you, I like the sound of the free drink.

Where's this bus?

That's us Dial-A-Bus junkies noo. It's only spittin'.

To be fair, Jack, we've walked all the way from the lift.

-Aye, that's plenty.

-Hello, youse two.

-Jesus, Isa!

Where are youse two off tae?

We're goin' for a pint.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, Davie! I thought you were aff.

-I was, but I'm back noo.

-Depression, wasn't it?

-Aye.

Ma boy Colin had that. Terrible thing.

S.A.D. they called it. Cos of the lack of daylight.

-Turns oot aw we had tae dae was buy him a big lamp...

-Isa! Get oan!

-How ye daein', son?

-Fine.

-That's £3.15

-Eh?

That's £2.10 for youse and £1.05 for...her.

I don't think that fella should be back at his work.

-It's no' like him. He never charges me.

-He didnae charge you, he charged us!

He's normally gabby.

Gab, gab, gab. Ye cannae shut him up!

Aye, it's great i'n't it?

Pick me up. Drop me.

Pick me up! Drop me.

Fancy a donut, boys?

Aye, ah will.

ENGINE REVS

-Awright there, Davie?

-Awright?

I'm better than awright, thanks for askin'.

I'm Jim-dandy. Brand new.

Happy to be driving. Mr Dial-A-Bus!

Will you take a donut, Davie?

Donut?

No, thanks very much, pleasure for asking, but no.

NO THANK YOU!

Um, Davie, you should've took a left there for the Clansman, son.

Left is it? Is it left? C'mere and I'll show ye a left.

TYRES SCREECH

Hello.

Hello. What can I get for you today?

I'll have a pint of lager, please.

Lisa, a pint of lager for our guest, please.

-A bit of cycling?

-Aye. Got a new bike.

Must say, never even knew there was a pub here. It's very nice.

Thanks. Aye, we get a lovely mix of customers.

People passing by like yerself and a healthy band of regulars.

Here's a couple now.

Ho-ho! It's the Two Ronnies!

Ye've got us there. Two Ronnies. That's a belter, eh?

We've nae comeback tae that.

Every time we come in here, ye've got a new one!

That's us put in wur place!

-Two lager, please.

-Two lager, Lisa.

What is it you do, yourself?

I'm a lawyer.

Davie. Whit you daein'? Where are we gaun?

Never you mind where I'm gaun!

It's a magical mystery tour!

# Come o-o-on...

# The magical mystery tour

# Is coming to take you away

# Coming to take you away, toda-a-ay! #

Maybe he's just takin' us somewhere nice for a wee change.

Aye, or maybe he's as crazy as a shithoose rat!

Look in the mirror. It's aw in the eyes there.

Davie, are ye taking us away somewhere nice for a change?

John, Paul, George, Ringo!

Two down, two to go!

Okey-dokey then.

That's it. We're in trouble.

Thomas the Tank Engine, Thomas the Tank Engine.

Idiot! That's me! Thomas the Tank Engine!

Look at him! Look at those eyes!

Oh, they're yellow eyes, them!

He's got custard eyes! # Custard eyes! #

One custard eye!

Haw! Sammy Davis! Pay the puppeteer the money!

He's earned it!

That was ma stop! That's the bingo there.

He's away past ma stop!

Listen, ye halfwit! We've been kidnapped! Hijacked!

I canny be hijacked the day. I've got the bingo!

Eyes down. Six cards. Gotta keep ahead of the caller! Bingo!

I don't think ye're gaunie make the bingo the day, son. C'mere.

Davie's gone off his nut. We're gaunie have tae overpower him.

Aye, overpower him, good idea. He's no' gaunie stop.

That's right. We've got to get control of the bus!

-Need to get to a cop station.

-Aye.

-Good luck, Jack.

-Thanks.

-Good luck for what?

-You used to box!

Aye, years ago when I was a boy!

-Bloody amateur!

-On ye go!

Right, I'll go and box his ears for him while you sit back here wi' yer thumbs up yer arses!

We've got to go thegither. Strength in numbers.

Like the Raid On Entebbe. Attack him.

Overpower him. Surprise him. The mistake they made that day...

That's plenty.

We've got tae sneak up thegither.

Isa, have you got anything heavy in yer bag?

Aye, I've got an electricity bill.

That was £140!

Tae hit 'em wi!

-Naw.

-Right. It's back to the mitts, then.

Stay low. Keep out of his line of sight.

-Get yer haun o'er his mooth like the SAS. Then we'll jump him!

-Good luck!

-What ye bloody grinning aboot?

-I just cannae wait tae tell everybody!

No!

No!

Right, noo!

Not tonight, Josephine! TYRES SCREECH

Oh, I'm feeling much better, Navid.

Glad to hear it.

Can I have a Curly Wurly?

-Can you buggery!

-C'mon. I'm hungry.

Shut up, you greedy dick. You've just puked your lungs up.

There's Tam and Navid!

-What'll we dae?

-Write something on the windae!

-Isa, gimme yer lippy.

What'll we write?

-"Help Us"?

-Ye've to write backwards.

-Aye!

So "Us" goes before "Help".

-Does it?

-Aye and the "S" is backwards.

What does "shlep" mean?

It is to move doggedly. Run about like a lapdog.

Like a crappy servant. You.

Away ya go, ya cheeky bastards!

Get that paper, Jack! Let them see "Alert"!

Good!

Hearts 1, Aberdeen 0.

Other way, ya haufwit!

Right, OK.

"Alert"?

Alert? They're in trouble, Tam.

Pull in behind them and we'll follow them for a minute.

-Winston!

-Ah, Eric. Some day, eh?

-It's like bein' gied the keys tae the candy store.

-Ah know.

But Boaby's gaunie go aff his nut!

Don't you worry aboot Boaby. You leave Boaby tae me.

-It's Jack and Victor I'm mair worried aboot.

-How?

That was an hour ago I telt them to get their arses down here for some free drink. Still no' showed up.

That's no' like them.

Here, maybe their Dial-A-Bus has got a flat tyre.

Are ye sure ye know what you're doin' here, Winston?

Listen, Boaby's no' back in here tae the morra.

Even if that boy was tae say, "The boss was in."

"What boss?" "Harvey Gallagher."

Boaby would spend a week chasing his tail looking for someone that doesnae exist.

Besides, it's hardly the crime of the century.

A couple of free drinks for a couple of friends.

# Well, now go! Walk out the door!

# Just turn around now, cos you're not welcome any more

# Aren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbyes?

# But I'll survive I will survive... #

-Why are they stopping?

-Don't know.

ENGINE REVS

-Oh, shit!

-Oh, no!

REVERSING TONE BEEPS

The stock!

My stock!

No-o-o-o-o-o!

BIRDSONG

ENGINE ROARS

# No need to stop for gas

# I'm all gassed up

# I am the gasman. Nee-noo!

# I am the gasman. #

The gasman cometh! See gas? I am the gastronaut!

I'll take you to the moon.

# Pack yer bags, we'll be home soon! #

No going back! I'll never go back, they will not take me, no!

Don't look back, shouldn't look back!

No need to look back. No need for you!

CACKLES MANICALLY

Well, at least he's calming doon a bit, eh?

Oh my God. Where the hell are we?

Cannae see for sure, Isa. Think we're aboot haufway up shit street.

I've got an idea.

Isa, you're a wummin, right?

-Aye.

-This is what tae dae. Go up to him while he's driving and come over all wumminy.

Sexy. Turn him oan.

-Turn him oan?

-Get him goin'.

Just say, "Look, Davie, why don't we pull in somewhere quiet and we can have some nooky!

-"You can see ma diddees!"

-That's shite.

Got tae go in heavier than that.

Offer him one of them, eh... What d'ye call them?

Blow jobbies.

It's a gobble ye call that.

-You got a better idea?

-Here, oot ma way!

Please remain seated while the bus is in motion!

Motion, motion, calamine lotion!

Hello, Davie.

Ye big handsome thing, ye!

I was wondering... if ye'd like to pull in and get a cup of tea somewhere.

Mibbe a sco-o-o-ne...

or a sausage roll...

Sexy! But no!

But I need a pish!

We could stop.

I could pish and you could...

..watch me.

Oh!

Oh, Jeez-o!

Isa! Shut the doors!

Open the door, eh?

No way, ya crackpot!

I dunno what happened back there but I'm sorry. I'm fine now.

Yer arse, ya doolally bastard!

Can we at least talk about this? Sit down and talk?

I saw a pub back there.

-There ye are.

-Ta.

Feelin' a bit better?

Aye, thanks. Eh...I just shouldnae huv come back to ma work so soon.

Ma maw's not been well.

I've been driving the bus, then going up to hers every night.

Cook her a wee meal,

but she'll no touch it.

The only thing she wants is...

donuts.

Got to be from Gregg's.

She's like a wee parrot!

"Where's ma donuts? Where's ma donuts, ya lazy bastard!"

I didnae realise the toll it was taking on me.

That's all very well, but...

we were all terrified!

Aye, I'm really sorry.

Gaunie call the cops?

I suppose everyone's entitled to one mistake.

But listen, Davie,

you get back and have a rest. You'll feel better after a wee break.

Aye, I'm sure I will.

Nice shop this, eh, Boaby?

Aye. If ye like that sort of thing.

# I did it my way... #

Some chanter, Eric!

Some chanter!

# Regrets, I've had a few

# but then again, too few to mention...

# I did what I had to do-o-o-o-oo... #

Sure yer gaunie be all right?

Fine thanks, Isa. I'll just get this back to the depot.

Get a few hours' sleep. Hopefully see ye in a week or two, eh?

Go, go, go! Drive! Drive!

Where?

Anywhere, ya donut!

Donut?

Donut!

HE REVS ENGINE

# The magical mystery tour

# is coming to take you away

# to-da-a-a-ay! #

HE SNIFFS

Bubbalicious. 25p.

HE SNIFFS AGAIN

Snickers. 40p.

Hmmm...

I don't even have to smell your breath. Cheesy Wotsits. 25p.

Sorry about this, Mr Harrid.

These things happen. Kids will be kids.

HE SNIFFS

You dirty bastard.

Poppets. 30 pence.