A Fresh Lick Still Game

-Have you got this steady?

-Aye, I've got you.

Okey-dokey, gie me the towel.

Look at that! Dirty miserable bastards.

Aye, it's all about saving money, you see?

Wee, low dingy light's cheap.

That's no' safe, having pensioners creepin' about in the half light

trying to get in and out their hooses.

Let's have a look and see what we've got here.

Oh, aye. There, you see?

25 watts.

Ooh, ya bastard! It's red hot that.

-Where are you?

-Here.

-Where's the bulb?

I'm offering it tae you.

-Where's yer haun'?

-That's ma face!

-Sorry! Right. Take the auld bulb.

-To me.

-BULB SMASHING

Oh, shit!

Was that the good bulb or the shitey bulb?

-Shitey bulb. Here's the good bulb.

-Right, aye. Got it.

Right.

-That's better, in't it?

-Aye, aye.

It's no' too bright, is it?

No, no. Not at all.

-It's safe, is what it is.

-Aye, it's safe, aye.

Jesus! You've got it bright enough in here, boys!

-What time do you call this?

-I cannae see ma watch for the glare!

It's 12 o'clock, ya cheeky bastard. Where's our post?

I was in at half eight with the post.

Youse two didnae have any. I'm done for the day.

I came up tae see Isa.

For God's sake!

I cannae... What's going on? Have I died?

Right, Isa doll. Is that us agreed then?

Aye. See you, darlin'.

Where did you get the bulb, boys? Wembley?

Shut up ya tit. Navid's.

-That one dae you?

-Aye, that's the fella.

-What's Chris daein' for you anyway?

-Oh, he's just gonnae decorate my living room.

Eh? Isa, he's a postie...

and a shitey one at that!

Naw, he said he was a decorator before he became a postie.

Ri-i-ight. What's he wanting off you for that?

He's gonnae paper the living room and paint it for 160.

Eh? Aye, and that includes the paper and paint?

No, I've tae get the paper and paint.

Ach away, for Christ's sake!

Tell him to sling his bloody hook!

You do not want that shiftless bastard floatin' aboot your hoose, in your fridge...

In your cupboards...your wardrobe,

-your knicker drawer, going through your smalls...

-That's plenty, Jack.

-We'll dae it fur you.

-Oh!

How much?

We'll no' charge you anything.

Make sure there's plenty for eatin' an' we'll blast through it.

-Are you sure?

-Aye, for God's sake.

What are neighbours for?

You've got two handymen on your doorstep. It'd be a pleasure, darlin'.

I suppose.

I'd be letting Chris doon, but.

Chris is a wanker.

-I like Chris.

-Well, that's what to say to him, "Chris, I like you. I've always liked you.

"You're likeable. But Jack and Victor, they think you're a wanker,

-"so you'll no' be doin' any painting!"

-Hmm.

I'll maybe think of something masel'.

Right, you come out...and you go in.

Ah! That's more like it, eh?

Much better.

Boaby, can we put a film on?

Aye, on you go. They're on the top shelf through the back.

What are you for, Isa?

I'm getting these.

Not at all now.

Two lager and a sherry, Boaby, and don't take their money.

- Godfather I or II? - What's going on?

-We're putting a film on.

-Magic! That'll make a change.

No' The Godfather, but. "I knew it was you, Fredo"

Bang! Boom! Deid! Shite!

Isa buying yer drinks noo? That's a new low, even for you two.

Shut yer hole, Boaby. We're daein' a favour.

-Jaws!

-Naw. Big, stupid, rubber shark. Garbage!

- What you daein'? - Painting and decorating.

-You two haufwits?

-Less of yer shite, noo, Bobby.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

If you want tae see dafties escaping oot a loony bin, come back at shuttin' time!

Gie's two cans of Fusilier, Boaby, will you?

-Right-o, Shug.

-I'm off.

-That you away on the night shift?

-Aye. Pain in the arse.

How's that a pain in the arse?

-Big department store all to yersel'?

-Ach, yer just watching the telly.

-Tryin' tae stay awake.

-I'd love tae be in there at night.

Are you allowed visitors?

-No' really.

-I'll get a couple of cans and keep you company.

Och, naw.

You'd be bored oot yer tits.

No, gie yerself peace. It'll be a good laugh.

- Huv you got one, Tam? - Aye. It's a good one.

It's a cracker.

Police Academy 8 - Mission to Moscow!

ALL: Wa-hey!

I like all that...

Hello. Here you go.

-Hello. Here you go.

-I'm no needin' a Big Issue, son.

It's a map of the store.

Map of the bloody store? Get a grip.

It's a shop, no' a mountain range.

-Where are we?

-I don't know.

-What are we needin'?

-Ten litres of Vinyl Silk Emulsion.

-Dusky blue.

-Try doon here.

Drammall four. It's everything required in the one tool.

It saws, it drills, it routs, it jigs, it hammers...

-Does it collect yer pension an' all, does it?

-Jack!

Imagine a fiddly job. Something like a letterbox in the door.

Normally that would require a drill, a coping saw, a hacksaw, a file...

but, with a Drammall,

you're in and away and finished in a matter of seconds.

Don't just take my word for it. You, sir.

There you go. Are you right or left handed?

Oh, you're askin' a mouthful there, son.

Now, ordinarily, if I'm hammerin' or sawin', I use the right hand,

but I've seen me wi' pliers in ma left hand then switchin' to ma right when this hand gets sore.

But gimme a pen and away I go, nice as you like, wi' the right hand.

Jack here'll tell you - if I'm doin' a crossword, it's my left.

It's all capitals. Go figure.

Right. Good. Thank you.

Here. Switch it to drill.

Drill.

Oh... Nice action.

That's yer pilot hole.

Good! Switch to saw.

-Saw...

-And off you go.

Here, Jack boy! This is the bollocks...

Ah! Ya bastard, you!

Right. Let's see what you're all about.

FEMALE VOICE: 'I'm hot.

-'Is it OK tae take ma T-shirt off?

-Aye. Wow, Tiffany!

'You've got great tits.

'I know. They're crackin' in't they?

'If I wasnae straight, I'd be right intae them.'

Oh, my God. Home-made porn!

-KNOCK ON DOOR ON TV 'Who's that?

-I'll get it.

-BOBBY:

-'Hello. Just to let you know yer lawn mower's not working.

'Who are you, big boy?

'I'm Troy, the gardener.'

You're no Troy the gardener. You're Boaby the barman.

FEMALE VOICE: That's me back!

Have we tae wait here for ever?

Do you think that boy's gonnae be OK? Oh, aye.

He'll be fine, it's only a bloody thumb.

Pack it in ice and then they stick it on later.

-He'll be back at his work on Monday.

-Do you think?

-Where is this boy?

-Excuse me, son. We've been waitin' a wee while.

We're wanting paint.

You need the paint guy tae get you paint.

I'm carpet. I can only get you carpet.

Fine. Where is the paint guy?

He might be on his tea or something.

The other paint guy - he'll be floatin' aboot somewhere.

-Excuse me, son!

-I'm laminated floorin'.

There are two customers hanging aboot like a couple of spare pricks waiting for the paint guy.

The carpet arsehole is unable to assist because the shiftless bastard knows hee-haw aboot paint.

-AMPLIFIED:

-You cannae say all that shite intae a microphone!

Take a walk and get that fat bastard with the tool belt.

-See if that dick'll help us!

-All right.

Shovin'.

-You all right, son?

-Aye.

Hello!

-Anybody there? <

-Just... Just a second.

-I'm in a hurry here. <

-Just a second.

Can I leave you the money?

Listen, hen. Meena's no' here. I'm run off my feet.

I'm trying to attend to an urgent matter. Gimme a goddamn minute!

Right.

-What have I missed? Did you pause it?

-Aye, I paused it.

-OK, play.

He-he-he-he! Look at his arse.

It's going up and down like a jackhammer!

Troy the gardener. Ya dirty bastard!

-Go on Bobby, son!

-She's a bit of alright, in't she?

Aye, she was. She comes in the shop.

She's a big fat cow now. This must be ages ago.

CUSTOMER: Fine! I'm off to Kohli's!

-That's what to do, love! Knock yourself oot!

-That's you losing a customer.

-It's only money...

Jesus, Shug. This is too good.

Here's what I'm gonnae dae.

I'm gonnae try on all they fancy aftershaves,

maybe even have a shave with an electric razor.

A jaunt over to the suits to try on the expensive clothes,

a good hauf hour fannying aboot in the toy department, and a rummage aboot with the hi-fi's,

culminating in a kip on the king of beds - the Sealy Posturepedic.

Is that so?

-What's this?

-This is it.

This is ma work.

Aw, yer jokin'! You've got a world of entertainment oot there.

Aye, a world of security cameras and recording equipment.

I warned you it might be boring.

Oot there's a no-go!

Bloody company man.

Look. If you want tae go...

No. I said I'd keep you company and I am nothing if not a man who keeps his word.

PHONE RINGS

Delaney's, security?

Whit? Oh, right. It's for you.

Hello.

Uh-huh.

Mmm. Mmm, I see.

Understood.

Shug, yer on yer own.

Tam's got a porn tape wi' Boaby the Barman in it.

-Are you gonnae buy a pint?

-Just staunin' here, if that's all right.

-What are you waiting for?

-Nothin'.

So you've come into the pub and you don't want a drink?

-That's right.

-Two pints of lager, Boaby.

See Eric? He knows how it works.

You're here. Have you got it?

-Is it right enough?

-It's right enough. It's a belter! Here, get that in yer pocket.

-Right, I'll get a pint and get up the road.

-Pint nothin'!

Get up the road and get into your machine. Get it watched and get it

back to me first thing tomorrow

-cos Jack and Victor still huvnae seen it!

-Got you.

There we go. Two pints.

-Usual, Winston?

-"Usual, Winston", you maddy!

-How's you doing?

-Shagged oot, Boaby. Shagged oot.

It's no' that, I've got ma garden tae do the morrow as well.

-That's a chore.

-Aye. You see,

what I need is a gardener.

That's the problem. Where do you find a gardener in Craiglang?

There used to be one.

Eh, Roy, I think his name was.

Roy the Gardener? If it wasnae Roy it was something very like Roy...

-Gie's a pie, Boaby.

-Aye. Gie's a minute and I'll stick one in...

Ah-hah! Ya dirty clatty bastard!

Two for Jack, two for Victor.

-Three each.

-DRILL WHIRRS

What the blazes?

-Have you got it?

-I've got it, aye.

-Well, move o'er a bit. Jesus!

It's all right.

-What are you daein'?

-Well, you've no' got a pasting table,

so we're just gonnae use your front door.

Oh, now. Naw, this isnae what I had in mind at all.

You cannae dae that! The big jaggy letter box'll tear all ma paper!

Oh, aye. Ach well, we'll screw that aff an' all.

-Oh, I don't know.

-Calm doon, hen. It'll be fine.

-Can I do anything?

Yes, you can get tae yer work. Chase yersel'. You're only gettin' under our feet, darlin'.

Oh, here...

Here, I've got ma mobile. I can leave you the number.

We'll no' need you.

Go on. Get!

Oy, oy!

That's you. There you are.

-I've got pies there.

-Isa!

-Right, is that you?

-Aye.

-Okey-dokey. There we are. That's us. On you come.

Let's plant it there.

SCRAPING

Erm...

Get they pies in, Vic boy.

Nae danger.

-KNOCK AT DOOR WINSTON:

-Jack! Victor! Are you in?

Winston! We're in here.

Jack. Sit doon. Victor, you sit there.

-What's going on?

-Eric.

You're no' gonnae believe this.

Silence, Tam. There are no words needed to describe this.

This truly speaks for itself.

-FEMALE VOICES: 'You've got great tits.

-I know, they're crackin', aren't they?'

- It's a porno movie. - Wait. Wait. Keep watching.

GIRLS GIGGLE

Ach, turn that aff, Winston.

Easy.

Steady... It's comin'!

BOBBY'S VOICE: 'Hello. Just tae let you know...'

I was gonnae bring this round last night, but I watched it three times.

The plot's a bit thin, but there's a lot of action.

Are Jack and Victor good at that?

Aye. They wouldnae have offered otherwise.

I suppose. I could have done it for you.

-You? Do you do DIY?

-Who do you think keeps this place running

like a Swiss watch when anything goes wrong?

Anyway, it's Chris I'm worried about.

-Aye. You have to break it to him that he's no daein' it.

-Aye. I feel bad.

-What will I say to him?

-What can you say, Isa?

You promised him the job, then you give it to someone else.

Your word is not your bond.

You lied. You stabbed him in the back.

Stop it, Navid.

Ach, I'll just keep oot his road.

Aye. That's what tae dae. It might be difficult.

-How?

-Because he's standing right behind you.

Well. What do you make of that?

Does Boaby know you've got that?

Aye, aye. It was him that gave me it

and telt me to show everybody in Craiglang.

Of course he doesnae know I've got it.

I lifted it out his stockroom.

-How old is that?

-We think aboot ten year.

Are you no' supposed to have a big walloper to be in they movies?

Aye. That's just a daft wee piece he's got, eh?

Mind you, he was busy with it.

I know that, but how does it come to pass that you end up in a porno movie?

I don't know. Probably an advert in the back of a paper somewhere.

Aye. "Wanted - men for pumpin' women...

"must be dirty bastards."

-I'll no' be able to look him in the eye again.

-Or eat his pies!

Right youse lot. Shoot. We've got work tae be getting on wi'.

Who's all seen it?

Navid, you two and us.

-You puttin' it back?

-Oh, aye. Right back...

via the bookies, big Arthur's and anybody else that wants a look at it!

-Don't forget Shug. He's screaming oot for it.

-Oh, aye, Shug tae.

C'mere a minute.

That's not right, is it?

That's just a washer.

That's no' a washer. That just needs tightened.

Gie it a twist, Jack.

I said twist it, no pull it, ya daftie!

-I gie'd it a bloody twist!

-Right. Oot ma road.

It's nae big deal.

See all that there? That's just a coupling.

It's just uncoupled.

Eh?

Well, done. Good for you.

Panic merchants. 35 year a Clyde fitter.

The one thing you have to remember about pipes, especially in these buildings, is...

Ye want tae have seen them.

- They were like the Three Stooges! - Aye. We high-tailed it oot.

Jesus. That's funny.

Oh, right, right.

What about this tape?

OK. There we are.

-Is it good?

-Oh, aye.

Is it Boaby right enough?

It's Boaby's all right. It's all Boaby.

-It's full o' boaby!

-I'm gonnae watch it the minute I get to work.

I'm burstin' tae see it.

Burstin' tae see what?

Chariots Of Fire.

Shug hasnae seen that. Have you Shug?

Eh. Naw. But I am burstin' tae see it.

Chariots Of Fire?

Aye. I love all that stuff.

Romans, horses, chariots.

I love that Charlton Heston.

G'night.

-Another pint, Tam?

-Yes, I'll have another pint please, Troy.

What did you call me?

Boaby?

No. You called me Troy.

Did I?

-Where's ma tape?

-Whit tape?

Ma PORN t...

My porn tape.

Shug's got it.

-Right, Isa?

-Sherry, Boaby.

You're gonnae have to look after the bar for hauf an hour, darling.

Aye, aye, OK.

Boaby... Come on, Boaby...

-What's going on?

-Believe me, Isa, you don't want to know. It's a man's thing.

Och! Is it Boaby's porn tape?

You know about that?

Aye. I seen that years ago.

Connie Jackson used to clean in here.

She snuck it oot. We used to watch it at parties.

Sorry, Eric, it's old news.

-What are you after?

-Lager, love.

It's a sin, that.

You coming in after yer work for a sherry and end up working again.

Ach, I'm no' botherin'.

To be honest, it keeps me oot the road of Jack and Victor.

-They're decorating ma living room.

-I know. I was up there earlier.

-How are they getting on?

-Aye, good!

-WINSTON:

-Towels! I need towels!

-Victor, for God's sake, hurry up!

Towels, towels.

Oh, that's marvellous, you clown, in't it?

Right you want to go and get a bloody sponge.

Jack! Shoes aff, you dozy prick!

Ah, Jesus!

-Where's these bastard towels?

-Gie's yer haun'.

What the bloody hell has happened in here?

I couldnae find the stopcock. Somebody's tiled o'er it.

-It's the council! They dunno what they're daein'!

-It was a drip. A tiny drip!

Whit are you shoutin' at me for?

Stick this up yer arse! I'm off!

Listen to me, you big bastard! We're supposed to be painting and decorating.

We've no' even opened a roll of paper!

-Jack...

-You're not going anywhere until you sort that trouble oot.

-Jack...

-You get in there, boy, and find that stopcock!

-Jack!

-What?

The wall.

HE COUGHS

Now then.

In you go.

What?

Aw!

Ya bastard! Come on!

Right. Delaney's?

Aye, top of the street there. Below the big telly.

MOANING

It's lovely, boys.

My hall, my living room, the kitchen.

What have you done all this for?

You know what it's like Isa.

Once you get started, you just get carried away.

And we're not done yet. C'mon.

Oh, ma bathroom!

It's like Changing Rooms!

Oh! I'll away and get Sadie!

That money was gonnae bury us.