Smoke on the Water Still Game

Gie yersel peace!

It's just another birthday to me.

Aye, I'll get it when I get it.

OK, if you say so, aye.

Honestly.

All right, then. Okey dokey.

Bye. Bye bye.

-Arsehole.

-Forgot yer birthday again, eh?

Aye. Well, no.

He forgets, then he remembers at the last minute, you know,

and he's got to pay through the nose to send it special delivery.

Why he just cannae post on time, I don't know. I mean, my birthday's the same day every year!

Yeah. He is sending, something, though, ain't he?

Aye, I suppose.

What's that?

It's Italian. Beanitos Tostino.

Grazie.

And is there red saucio through the beanitos? The way we like it?

Si, Signor!

I'd be happy to get nothing, Jack.

Oh, shut up. He always gets ye something nice.

Aye, cos it's guilt! Aye, he gets me a good thing cos he's left it late and forgot.

-And that's his way of making up.

-Listen to you moaning, you clown.

Cos yer son's getting you something smashing, on the day you're meant to get it.

I can see why you're getting wound up about it, though.

I mean, My Fiona's exactly the same. She's an arsehole.

She always gets me something lovely!

Just ignore me. It's just my age.

Right, what de ye want tae dae?

-For what?

-For what?!

-For your birthday!

-Ah, gimme peace.

Oh, come on noo, Victor. 75. 75 summers. That's an occasion you've got to mark.

MY arse! I'll mark it the same as I mark every other day.

With a shower, a shit and a shave.

Classy, aye.

Ah, you've got to do something special. Something really good.

I mean, what do I normally get you? Bloody bottle of Scotch.

That's right. And every year I drink it. I look forward to it, tae.

What's for pudding, by the way?

Pudding?

Biscotti Penguino.

Nice.

Tell you what, get me 75 of them.

Here, you.

Jesus. ..Yes?

-This chocolate bar gave Justin diarrhoea!

-How do you know it was the chocolate?

Cos that's all he had yesterday.

-He eat it outside the shop and by the time I got him hame he'd shat all up his back.

-Nice!

-Did you have diarrhoea?

-Nup. I didnae have the chocolate.

-Do any of wee Justin's brothers or sisters have diarrhoea?

-Nup. They didnae have it either.

Does anybody else in your immediate family have diarrhoea?

-No.

-So wee Justin was the only one who ate the chocolate?

-Aye.

Right. I think we might have arrived at the problem here.

You see, when you bought your chocolate bar yesterday, it wasn't this size, no, no,no, no, no ...

It was actually...this size.

You gave a two year-old boy a slab of chocolate the size of a headstone.

Geoff Capes would have shite up his back if he ate that amount of chocolate! Take a hike, chancer.

And take shitey-arse with you!

-Arsehole!

-Junkie!

Customer relations, Navid. That's the name of the game.

-Jack. Drum?

-No, no, no.

I tell you what it is, it's Victor's birthday on Thursday and...

I know it's Victor's birthday on Thursday, cos it's Meena's on Wednesday.

So it is, I remember you telling me that, aye.

What you getting her?

Nothing.

£9.99 for the whisky, Jack.

Well, actually, no. I'm not gonnae bother.

I normally get him that every year but...

No, this is a biggie, you know? He's 75. That's a landmark, a milestone, you know? It's a big deal.

You're right.

Get him two bottles.

Och, no, no. I want to do something good.

-Something special, you know?

-Oh, aye.

I saw a great thing in this magazine.

A balloon? Oh, no. Ye cannae trust a balloon.

How would that be? Look at the Hindenburg!

That's a zeppelin, ya halfwit!

It's the same principle, just a different shaped balloon.

I mean, you're up there, dyin' for a smoke. Spark up, boof!

Happy birthday, Victor.

Away and don't talk a lot of pish.

-The Hindenburg was chock full of flammable gas.

-Hydrogen.

-Hydrogen. Thank you, Shug.

Modern balloons dinnae use that any more. Very safe.

No, the only thing you need to worry about in these balloon is low flying aircraft.

-Helicopters.

-Power lines.

-Power lines. Good one, Tam. Lightning.

-Church spires.

Right, the balloon's humped, then.

Oh, here. What about this? Falconry!

"Become one with Mother Nature and understand the commanding majesty that is The Perigrine Falcon."

Ooooh!

Falcon? No, that's a non-starter.

A sparrow flew in his living room windae one time and he locked himself in the toilet. He's a big shitebag.

That's that falked then.

-Tandem parachuting.

-What's that?

-It's a safe parachute jump.

I've always wanted to do it.

-He's 75, Boabby.

-They dae it for ye. Ye've a guy strapped to your back.

-Is that why you've always wanted tae dae it?

-Shut up...

Actually, you said it, boy. The cheapest adventure there's 150 quid.

There's nae joy in that.

Handing out perfectly good money and have someone else do it all for you.

That's thoughtless. Corporate. Cold.

The best gifts are the ones that are thoroughly thought oot, personal touch.

Specially fashioned with the recipient in mind.

Cheap? Aye, well cheap.

Have your own red Letter Day here, Jack. Local in Craiglang.

A sort of a reddish letter day.

A maroon day, if you will.

Strap yourself to Victor's back and you can jump aff the high flats.

What's he intae? Sitting on his arse drinking tea.

He's got very, very good at that. What stuff's he intae?

I was gonnae get him a book about fishing cos he gets that Trout and Salmon magazine.

But it's years since we've done any fishing.

We used to fish the Kelvin when we were young boys.

Now we're talking.

-Shug?

-Yeah?

-You still got that dinghy?

-Aye, I dae.

Dinghy?

A leisurely sail doon the Kelvin, bit of fishing.

An urban adventure!

I'll dae a spread, sandwiches and that.

Och, Jack! That's a lovely idea!

-Och.

-And he doesnae know anything aboot it?

-No, he doesnae know anything aboot it so not a word.

-As if!

You might not know it, but there is a code tae being a gabshite.

Births, deaths, cheating, drink problems...that's all gossip.

Surprise birthday presents are sacred.

-Immune!

-Good.

-What's keeping you, Jack?

-Victor! I know something you don't know!

For God's sake, Isa!

-Did I say anything about Victor's birthday? No!

-What's this?

-Nothing.

-Doesnae sound like nothing!

-It's no nuthin, it's a good thing!

-Will you shut yer hole?

-Oh, come on. You know I don't like surprises.

-What's going on?

-What's going on?

# I am saaaailing...

-# I am saaaailing... #

-How much is this tape?

-£1.20 a roll.

Ya bastard ye!

Thanking you. It doesnae matter, I'll tell you tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, Meena. Many happy returns of the day!

Remember, what, Meena?

Uh? Uh? You thought I forgot, huh?

But I didnae. Now you're the arsehole!

Get it up you, Meena! Happy Birthday.

-Morning!

-Morning. Shat masel' there.

-What's this?

-Nuthin.

"We called at 09:10am"...

That's just noo. "..with a parcel, but you were not in.

"Please collect it from the depot."

-What parcel?

-The one you've to collect.

Why have I to collect it?

Cos...cos you're no in.

-But I am in. Can I take a wild guess at what's happened here, Chris?

-Aye.

It's easier for you to fill out these wee cards than it is

-to actually dae yer job and deliver parcels.

-Aye.

Mmm. Now I've got to haul my old arse down to the depot because you're a lazy bastard.

Aye.

We make oot yer no in, saves us humpin' the parcels.

Who's done that to you?

No me, cause I'm no in!

-Now listen tae me. It's my birthday today.

-Oh, many happy returns.

-Oh, thanks very much.

You bring ma parcel to the Clansman at opening time and I'll no feel the need to call your supervisor.

Christ, what have you come as?

Happy birthday, Victor! Have ye telt him yet, Jack?

Back off, Isa!

# Cryyyyy meeee a riiiverrrrr... #

Shut up! I'm telling him!

Right. This outfit has got something tae dae with what I've got you for yer birthday.

Guess.

You've got me a garden gnome?

Very funny. No, I'm taking you on seafaring adventure down the River Kelvin on a dinghy.

-Right...

-It'll be great!

-Will it?

-Ach, are you no keen?

-Well, what do you mean "an adventure", Jack?

I've got a dinghy offa Shug, you see, and I thought, well, you and I

on the river, throw the hooks in the water like we did when we were kids.

-Oh, come on, what do you think?

-What do I think?

I think you must have crack in that pipe, Jack!

-I think you've finally gone aff yer rocker!

-Eh?

You and me in a dinghy in the Kelvin, at oor age? Are ye daft?

What's the matter with that?

It's no just a stupid idea you know, Victor. No, no, it's all organised!

Come on, it'll be magic!

I've no even got wellies or anything.

-Organised.

-How could you no just get us a bottle of whisky or something?

Go and get your jumper on, Victor.

It'll be the best birthday you've ever had. It's the best idea I've ever had.

I think it's the worst idea you've ever had. Two words -

-Rat piss.

-Rat piss?

-Aye.

Kelvin's full of rats.

Where do you think they piss?

Wee rat toilets stationed along the banks of the Kelvin?

No, they piss in the Kelvin.

One glug of that and you'll be stone deid.

-We're no planning to drink the Kelvin, Boabby.

-No.

But once you drag the arse of yer wee dinghy over a jaggy shopping trolley you'll be drinking plenty.

That river's manky.

It is not. It's clean now. There's trout in that river.

Aye, hard trout. Trout wi' knives.

Insects, killer midgies! Oh, it's full of beasties and creatures!

It's the Kelvin, no the Congo.

Pete the Jakey claimed he saw a crocodile in it one year.

Mind you, that was back when he was injecting Absynth into his tongue.

Boabby's talking shite, lads. It's perfectly safe.

Especially the bit you're going on.

Eh, but know this. It's complacency that kills the sailor.

The water is a cruel mistress and temperamental, too.

Disrespect her and she'll envelop you.

Like a...

an envelope.

Happy birthday, Victor.

Cheers, son.

What's this? Postmark Jo'Burg.

What is it?

It's a broken bottle of malt...

and a whisky flavoured scarf.

-Hello, Tam.

-Isa.

-What's all this?

-Pork pies there, ham sandwiches and steak bakes out of Gregg's there.

Victor knows nothing about it!

It's a lovely thing Jack's done for him, do you not think, Tam?

Aye, aye.

Gies a steak bake.

No. You've tae wait. It's Victor's day, you're no busting into it.

Jack says they'll be here at one.

-One! My eyes'll be starin' oot ma heid by then!

-Will that dae us?

-CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS

-Aye. That's nice, Eric.

Right. Shoes aff. I'm stickin' ma tootsies right in that water.

It's lovely here, in't it?

You'd never think that you're right in the heart of the city. It's like paradise.

Me and Harry used to come here when we were courting, like.

Aye. He used to dae that, an all. Stick his feet in the water.

Aye, this is where we had our first kiss.

Oh, beautiful.

Bloody roasting, but beautiful!

Ya greedy big bastard, ye!

I'm no' so sure about this, Jack.

Gie yersel' peace. No, it's a great thing, that.

Climb aboard, gentlemen.

Get yer sea legs, eh?

Aye, she's a craft of 22 years.

Six years in the service of Her Majesty's Army

and 16 years lying in ma loft gathering stoor.

-She looks sturdy.

-Aye, aye, aye.

-It's a belter.

-Aye, aye, when you get oot, stick to the middle.

Keep away from the shallows and the debris around the edges.

That's your oars, and put your life jackets on.

Woah, woah, woah. Life jackets?

Just for safety. Aye, it's all organised.

Oh, aye. And speaking of safety,

in that bag there is a flare.

-Just in case.

-Just in case?

Just for safety?

It's gein' me the fear, this, Jack.

Oh, no, no. Now before you push off, should you wish to come ashore anywhere,

just do a wee anchor bend...

..like that. OK?

Want to try it, Jack?

Perfect.

Do you want to come wi' us, Shug?

No, no, no, no. It's your day. You and him.

Besides, I nearly died in this bastard.

But you'll be fine.

Course they'll be fine, with me at the helm!

Chase yersel'!

-How?

-Because it's his birthday, no yours.

-Oh, come on.

I was born to be sea. I mean, I've got the wooden leg and everything.

There's nae room, Winston. You'll capsize us ya fat bastard!

Right. Fine. I'll just take my gift back then, will I?

A monogrammed hip flask. V. M.

Victor McDade. That's you. And it's chock full of Johnnie Walker, tae.

HE WHISTLES

Welcome aboard, Boatswain Ingram!

What a present this is!

Aye, you've fair outdone yourself this time, Jackie boy. I'm sorry I doubted you.

Not at all, Victor.

You don't happen to be hungry, do you?

-As a matter of fact, I am...

-Yoohoo! Jack!

-Victor!

-Bingo.

-What's this?

Permission to go ashore, sir, for a light lunch and small imbuement.

Permission granted! Right, Winston.

-Off yer arse, take us in.

-Oh, right. Right.

# Happy birthday to you Happy birth... #

Are you coming in?

-Paddle faster, ye wankers, yees.

-We're trying!

I'm knackered.

Come on!

What've you got here?

Steak bakes, pork pies, beer!

Faster!

Wait a minute... Right!

Here's the rope. Eric!

Och, away ye go, ya wanker ye!

Throw the food! Throw something, come on!

Throw us the steak bakes!

I'm concussed. I'm sure of it.

Why did you let that bloody flare aff?

It was an emergency.

-It's no an emergency no getting fed, Victor.

-It is tae me.

I've had nae breakfast.

I didn't even got a bite oot ma roll before you dragged me oot!

I've had nae breakfast. I could eat a scabby horse.

All I've had is a couple of strips of bacon.

And a sausage and a black pudding and an egg...

and some fried toast, and all...

And a tottie scone... Oh, aye, beans and mushrooms...

Shut up!

I'm seein double. There's four of you in this boat.

Right, what are we doing noo? Eh, Mr Organisation?

I don't know.

Where are we?

Oh, it's no so bonny roond here.

-Aye, this is a bad part of the river.

-Is that the Park Mill flats?

Oh, Jesus! We're no in Park Mill, are we?

Apache country.

SIRENS AND HOWLING

-What the hell was that?

-Calm doon, probably just a ned or something.

I don't like this, Jack. It's turning sour.

-I want out the boat.

-Never get out the boat.

-Absolutely godamm right.

-Aye, well I want oot.

Even if there was a place to get oot the boat, we're in Parkmill.

This place is twinned wi' the Gaza strip. I tell you, get oot the boat, ye'll get flayed.

Jack's right. The last time I was stupid enough to come through here I got beat up by a six year old!

Oh, no.

Here we go...

They look like bastards.

You're losin yer melon.

Scared fae a couple of kids.

How do, now?

See, there ye are.

Duck!

We're under attack!

-If I ever get aff this boat, Jack, I'm gonnie slit your bastardin' throat!

-Just stay low!

Right, we're all right, noo.

-What's that noise?

-What noise?

-WATER RUSHES

It's not unlike

water falling.

It's exactly like water falling!

Oh! Paddles! Quickly now. Come on.

Aaaghh!

That were a laugh, weren't it?

In here, this'll do us.

Some birthday, this.

Soakin', starvin, lost.

See you, Victor. You are one torn-faced bastard.

-You have been moaning since we hit the water this morning.

-Come here!

-What ya daein, ya madman?

-You're Jeremy Beadle, aren't ya, hey?

Get that mask off. I've had enough o' you, you prick!

-Get off me!

-Where's the cameras?

Let me see yer hand!

Back off!

You're turnin' into a loony. That's what Boabby said. It's the rat piss thing.

You've took a mouthful and you're off yer bloody nut!

I'm no a loony. You're the loony!

What ye daein for Winston's birthday? A firin' squad?

Sign me up for that.

Anything but this!

Meat and drink, fellas.

I would have them again.

Prawn cocktail. That's a first for me.

-How was yours?

-Oh, yeah.

My tomato ketchup flavour crisps were right on the money.

I had a packet of Starburst, a Mars bar, an even half dozen of fondant bananas.

About to have a Pepperami for ma puddin.

Oh!

Is it knackered?

PLAYS A CHORD

You know what, despite these two bollocks on ma foreheid, it's been a good day.

Aye.

Sorry about that wee outburst earlier on, Jack.

It's forgotten, Victor boy.

Do you know what this is like?

You know that movie wi' the boy with the big tache.

-Smokey and the Bandit.

-How?

No, no, no. The one when they go doon the river on the canoe.

-Deliverance.

-Aye.

It was a good movie, that. Aye.

Mind you, somebody got pumped in that, didn't they?

Aye. By hillbillies.

Ye haven't organised that for us, have ye?

-Here, see if it was that movie, you'd be the one to get pumped, Jack.

-How?

Cos it's the wee fat one that gets pumped in Deliverance.

-Victor can be Burt Reynolds. It's his birthday.

-Ooh! I like that.

-Aye.

That makes you the ugly half-witted bastard that plays the banjo.

PLAYS INTRO TO "Duelling Banjos"

-You enjoyed your birthday, then?

-Oh, aye. One of the best.

Sling us another can, will ye, Winston?

What? No, there's none left.

I wonder who that carry out belonged to.

Haw! Oh, Jesus!

Back in the boat.

-No, this way!

-In the boat, ya diddy!

Christ!

-Youse are deid!

-Do we look deid?

-Gi' us our beer.

We drank it all. And it was delicious!

Stop that. Yer just annoying them.

Do you know what we're gonnae dae to yous?

No. See if you hum it, I'll try and play it.

Where are we noo?

We're home and dry, boys. Just round this bend is the Clyde.

I used to work it. There's a slipway.

We can paddle up to that, jump on it, and we can get a bus right up the road.

-Oh, here, what aboot the boat?

-Oh, aye.

Well, we could take our time and let all the air out it, roll it up flat

and the three of us could humph it up the road dripping wet.

Or we could say it burst and sank.

-Burst and sank.

-It was a shame that.

-Unfortunate.

What a day. No offence, Jack, but I'm glad it's done.

-It's no done yet.

-Oh, Jesus! Is that a telly?

Oh, no.

You shouldn't huv drunk our beer.

We're sorry. We're pensioners.

It's ma birthday today.

Oh, happy birthday!

We've all clubbed together and got you a telly!

-Abandon ship!

-No, the rat's piss thing, remember. Just keep rowing.

There's the slipway! Keep rowing.

Quick!

Quick. In here.

-Ssh!

-Don't move!

We know yer in here.

We're gonnae boot the shite oot of you!

Jinkie, hit the light!

All the best, Victor.

Cheers, boys.

What age are you again?

-75, son.

-Magic, man.

Good age.

My granda's 75 next week.

-Is that right?

-Aye.

-Dunno what to get him.

-Whisky.

Jesus! What a heid!

No-o-o!