Smoke on the Water Still Game


Smoke on the Water

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Gie yersel peace!

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It's just another birthday to me.

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Aye, I'll get it when I get it.

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OK, if you say so, aye.

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Honestly.

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All right, then. Okey dokey.

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Bye. Bye bye.

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-Arsehole.

-Forgot yer birthday again, eh?

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Aye. Well, no.

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He forgets, then he remembers at the last minute, you know,

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and he's got to pay through the nose to send it special delivery.

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Why he just cannae post on time, I don't know. I mean, my birthday's the same day every year!

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Yeah. He is sending, something, though, ain't he?

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Aye, I suppose.

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What's that?

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It's Italian. Beanitos Tostino.

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Grazie.

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And is there red saucio through the beanitos? The way we like it?

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Si, Signor!

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I'd be happy to get nothing, Jack.

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Oh, shut up. He always gets ye something nice.

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Aye, cos it's guilt! Aye, he gets me a good thing cos he's left it late and forgot.

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-And that's his way of making up.

-Listen to you moaning, you clown.

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Cos yer son's getting you something smashing, on the day you're meant to get it.

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I can see why you're getting wound up about it, though.

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I mean, My Fiona's exactly the same. She's an arsehole.

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She always gets me something lovely!

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Just ignore me. It's just my age.

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Right, what de ye want tae dae?

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-For what?

-For what?!

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-For your birthday!

-Ah, gimme peace.

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Oh, come on noo, Victor. 75. 75 summers. That's an occasion you've got to mark.

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MY arse! I'll mark it the same as I mark every other day.

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With a shower, a shit and a shave.

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Classy, aye.

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Ah, you've got to do something special. Something really good.

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I mean, what do I normally get you? Bloody bottle of Scotch.

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That's right. And every year I drink it. I look forward to it, tae.

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What's for pudding, by the way?

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Pudding?

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Biscotti Penguino.

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Nice.

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Tell you what, get me 75 of them.

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Here, you.

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Jesus. ..Yes?

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-This chocolate bar gave Justin diarrhoea!

-How do you know it was the chocolate?

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Cos that's all he had yesterday.

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-He eat it outside the shop and by the time I got him hame he'd shat all up his back.

-Nice!

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-Did you have diarrhoea?

-Nup. I didnae have the chocolate.

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-Do any of wee Justin's brothers or sisters have diarrhoea?

-Nup. They didnae have it either.

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Does anybody else in your immediate family have diarrhoea?

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-No.

-So wee Justin was the only one who ate the chocolate?

-Aye.

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Right. I think we might have arrived at the problem here.

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You see, when you bought your chocolate bar yesterday, it wasn't this size, no, no,no, no, no ...

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It was actually...this size.

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You gave a two year-old boy a slab of chocolate the size of a headstone.

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Geoff Capes would have shite up his back if he ate that amount of chocolate! Take a hike, chancer.

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And take shitey-arse with you!

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-Arsehole!

-Junkie!

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Customer relations, Navid. That's the name of the game.

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-Jack. Drum?

-No, no, no.

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I tell you what it is, it's Victor's birthday on Thursday and...

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I know it's Victor's birthday on Thursday, cos it's Meena's on Wednesday.

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So it is, I remember you telling me that, aye.

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What you getting her?

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Nothing.

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£9.99 for the whisky, Jack.

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Well, actually, no. I'm not gonnae bother.

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I normally get him that every year but...

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No, this is a biggie, you know? He's 75. That's a landmark, a milestone, you know? It's a big deal.

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You're right.

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Get him two bottles.

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Och, no, no. I want to do something good.

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-Something special, you know?

-Oh, aye.

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I saw a great thing in this magazine.

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A balloon? Oh, no. Ye cannae trust a balloon.

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How would that be? Look at the Hindenburg!

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That's a zeppelin, ya halfwit!

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It's the same principle, just a different shaped balloon.

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I mean, you're up there, dyin' for a smoke. Spark up, boof!

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Happy birthday, Victor.

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Away and don't talk a lot of pish.

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-The Hindenburg was chock full of flammable gas.

-Hydrogen.

-Hydrogen. Thank you, Shug.

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Modern balloons dinnae use that any more. Very safe.

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No, the only thing you need to worry about in these balloon is low flying aircraft.

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-Helicopters.

-Power lines.

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-Power lines. Good one, Tam. Lightning.

-Church spires.

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Right, the balloon's humped, then.

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Oh, here. What about this? Falconry!

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"Become one with Mother Nature and understand the commanding majesty that is The Perigrine Falcon."

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Ooooh!

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Falcon? No, that's a non-starter.

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A sparrow flew in his living room windae one time and he locked himself in the toilet. He's a big shitebag.

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That's that falked then.

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-Tandem parachuting.

-What's that?

-It's a safe parachute jump.

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I've always wanted to do it.

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-He's 75, Boabby.

-They dae it for ye. Ye've a guy strapped to your back.

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-Is that why you've always wanted tae dae it?

-Shut up...

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Actually, you said it, boy. The cheapest adventure there's 150 quid.

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There's nae joy in that.

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Handing out perfectly good money and have someone else do it all for you.

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That's thoughtless. Corporate. Cold.

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The best gifts are the ones that are thoroughly thought oot, personal touch.

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Specially fashioned with the recipient in mind.

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Cheap? Aye, well cheap.

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Have your own red Letter Day here, Jack. Local in Craiglang.

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A sort of a reddish letter day.

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A maroon day, if you will.

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Strap yourself to Victor's back and you can jump aff the high flats.

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What's he intae? Sitting on his arse drinking tea.

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He's got very, very good at that. What stuff's he intae?

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I was gonnae get him a book about fishing cos he gets that Trout and Salmon magazine.

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But it's years since we've done any fishing.

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We used to fish the Kelvin when we were young boys.

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Now we're talking.

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-Shug?

-Yeah?

-You still got that dinghy?

-Aye, I dae.

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Dinghy?

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A leisurely sail doon the Kelvin, bit of fishing.

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An urban adventure!

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I'll dae a spread, sandwiches and that.

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Och, Jack! That's a lovely idea!

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-Och.

-And he doesnae know anything aboot it?

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-No, he doesnae know anything aboot it so not a word.

-As if!

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You might not know it, but there is a code tae being a gabshite.

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Births, deaths, cheating, drink problems...that's all gossip.

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Surprise birthday presents are sacred.

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-Immune!

-Good.

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-What's keeping you, Jack?

-Victor! I know something you don't know!

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For God's sake, Isa!

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-Did I say anything about Victor's birthday? No!

-What's this?

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-Nothing.

-Doesnae sound like nothing!

-It's no nuthin, it's a good thing!

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-Will you shut yer hole?

-Oh, come on. You know I don't like surprises.

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-What's going on?

-What's going on?

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# I am saaaailing...

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-# I am saaaailing... #

-How much is this tape?

-£1.20 a roll.

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Ya bastard ye!

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Thanking you. It doesnae matter, I'll tell you tomorrow.

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Oh, by the way, Meena. Many happy returns of the day!

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Remember, what, Meena?

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Uh? Uh? You thought I forgot, huh?

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But I didnae. Now you're the arsehole!

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Get it up you, Meena! Happy Birthday.

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-Morning!

-Morning. Shat masel' there.

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-What's this?

-Nuthin.

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"We called at 09:10am"...

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That's just noo. "..with a parcel, but you were not in.

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"Please collect it from the depot."

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-What parcel?

-The one you've to collect.

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Why have I to collect it?

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Cos...cos you're no in.

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-But I am in. Can I take a wild guess at what's happened here, Chris?

-Aye.

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It's easier for you to fill out these wee cards than it is

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-to actually dae yer job and deliver parcels.

-Aye.

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Mmm. Now I've got to haul my old arse down to the depot because you're a lazy bastard.

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Aye.

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We make oot yer no in, saves us humpin' the parcels.

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Who's done that to you?

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No me, cause I'm no in!

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-Now listen tae me. It's my birthday today.

-Oh, many happy returns.

-Oh, thanks very much.

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You bring ma parcel to the Clansman at opening time and I'll no feel the need to call your supervisor.

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Christ, what have you come as?

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Happy birthday, Victor! Have ye telt him yet, Jack?

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Back off, Isa!

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# Cryyyyy meeee a riiiverrrrr... #

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Shut up! I'm telling him!

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Right. This outfit has got something tae dae with what I've got you for yer birthday.

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Guess.

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You've got me a garden gnome?

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Very funny. No, I'm taking you on seafaring adventure down the River Kelvin on a dinghy.

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-Right...

-It'll be great!

-Will it?

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-Ach, are you no keen?

-Well, what do you mean "an adventure", Jack?

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I've got a dinghy offa Shug, you see, and I thought, well, you and I

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on the river, throw the hooks in the water like we did when we were kids.

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-Oh, come on, what do you think?

-What do I think?

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I think you must have crack in that pipe, Jack!

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-I think you've finally gone aff yer rocker!

-Eh?

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You and me in a dinghy in the Kelvin, at oor age? Are ye daft?

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What's the matter with that?

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It's no just a stupid idea you know, Victor. No, no, it's all organised!

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Come on, it'll be magic!

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I've no even got wellies or anything.

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-Organised.

-How could you no just get us a bottle of whisky or something?

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Go and get your jumper on, Victor.

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It'll be the best birthday you've ever had. It's the best idea I've ever had.

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I think it's the worst idea you've ever had. Two words -

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-Rat piss.

-Rat piss?

-Aye.

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Kelvin's full of rats.

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Where do you think they piss?

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Wee rat toilets stationed along the banks of the Kelvin?

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No, they piss in the Kelvin.

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One glug of that and you'll be stone deid.

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-We're no planning to drink the Kelvin, Boabby.

-No.

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But once you drag the arse of yer wee dinghy over a jaggy shopping trolley you'll be drinking plenty.

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That river's manky.

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It is not. It's clean now. There's trout in that river.

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Aye, hard trout. Trout wi' knives.

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Insects, killer midgies! Oh, it's full of beasties and creatures!

0:11:430:11:47

It's the Kelvin, no the Congo.

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Pete the Jakey claimed he saw a crocodile in it one year.

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Mind you, that was back when he was injecting Absynth into his tongue.

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Boabby's talking shite, lads. It's perfectly safe.

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Especially the bit you're going on.

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Eh, but know this. It's complacency that kills the sailor.

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The water is a cruel mistress and temperamental, too.

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Disrespect her and she'll envelop you.

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Like a...

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an envelope.

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Happy birthday, Victor.

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Cheers, son.

0:12:230:12:24

What's this? Postmark Jo'Burg.

0:12:260:12:29

What is it?

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It's a broken bottle of malt...

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and a whisky flavoured scarf.

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-Hello, Tam.

-Isa.

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-What's all this?

-Pork pies there, ham sandwiches and steak bakes out of Gregg's there.

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Victor knows nothing about it!

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It's a lovely thing Jack's done for him, do you not think, Tam?

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Aye, aye.

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Gies a steak bake.

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No. You've tae wait. It's Victor's day, you're no busting into it.

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Jack says they'll be here at one.

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-One! My eyes'll be starin' oot ma heid by then!

-Will that dae us?

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-CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS

-Aye. That's nice, Eric.

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Right. Shoes aff. I'm stickin' ma tootsies right in that water.

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It's lovely here, in't it?

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You'd never think that you're right in the heart of the city. It's like paradise.

0:13:280:13:32

Me and Harry used to come here when we were courting, like.

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Aye. He used to dae that, an all. Stick his feet in the water.

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Aye, this is where we had our first kiss.

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Oh, beautiful.

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Bloody roasting, but beautiful!

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Ya greedy big bastard, ye!

0:13:520:13:56

I'm no' so sure about this, Jack.

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Gie yersel' peace. No, it's a great thing, that.

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Climb aboard, gentlemen.

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Get yer sea legs, eh?

0:14:110:14:13

Aye, she's a craft of 22 years.

0:14:130:14:16

Six years in the service of Her Majesty's Army

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and 16 years lying in ma loft gathering stoor.

0:14:200:14:25

-She looks sturdy.

-Aye, aye, aye.

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-It's a belter.

-Aye, aye, when you get oot, stick to the middle.

0:14:280:14:32

Keep away from the shallows and the debris around the edges.

0:14:320:14:36

That's your oars, and put your life jackets on.

0:14:360:14:40

Woah, woah, woah. Life jackets?

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Just for safety. Aye, it's all organised.

0:14:420:14:46

Oh, aye. And speaking of safety,

0:14:460:14:48

in that bag there is a flare.

0:14:480:14:51

-Just in case.

-Just in case?

0:14:510:14:53

Just for safety?

0:14:530:14:55

It's gein' me the fear, this, Jack.

0:14:550:14:57

Oh, no, no. Now before you push off, should you wish to come ashore anywhere,

0:14:570:15:02

just do a wee anchor bend...

0:15:020:15:07

..like that. OK?

0:15:080:15:10

Want to try it, Jack?

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Perfect.

0:15:200:15:23

Do you want to come wi' us, Shug?

0:15:230:15:25

No, no, no, no. It's your day. You and him.

0:15:250:15:29

Besides, I nearly died in this bastard.

0:15:290:15:32

But you'll be fine.

0:15:320:15:35

Course they'll be fine, with me at the helm!

0:15:350:15:38

Chase yersel'!

0:15:380:15:40

-How?

-Because it's his birthday, no yours.

-Oh, come on.

0:15:400:15:44

I was born to be sea. I mean, I've got the wooden leg and everything.

0:15:440:15:47

There's nae room, Winston. You'll capsize us ya fat bastard!

0:15:470:15:51

Right. Fine. I'll just take my gift back then, will I?

0:15:510:15:54

A monogrammed hip flask. V. M.

0:15:540:15:57

Victor McDade. That's you. And it's chock full of Johnnie Walker, tae.

0:15:570:16:01

HE WHISTLES

0:16:010:16:02

Welcome aboard, Boatswain Ingram!

0:16:020:16:05

What a present this is!

0:16:590:17:01

Aye, you've fair outdone yourself this time, Jackie boy. I'm sorry I doubted you.

0:17:010:17:06

Not at all, Victor.

0:17:060:17:08

You don't happen to be hungry, do you?

0:17:080:17:10

-As a matter of fact, I am...

-Yoohoo! Jack!

0:17:100:17:14

-Victor!

-Bingo.

-What's this?

0:17:140:17:17

Permission to go ashore, sir, for a light lunch and small imbuement.

0:17:170:17:21

Permission granted! Right, Winston.

0:17:230:17:25

-Off yer arse, take us in.

-Oh, right. Right.

0:17:250:17:27

# Happy birthday to you Happy birth... #

0:17:270:17:32

Are you coming in?

0:17:320:17:34

-Paddle faster, ye wankers, yees.

-We're trying!

0:17:340:17:37

I'm knackered.

0:17:370:17:39

Come on!

0:17:390:17:40

What've you got here?

0:17:400:17:42

Steak bakes, pork pies, beer!

0:17:420:17:46

Faster!

0:17:460:17:47

Wait a minute... Right!

0:17:470:17:51

Here's the rope. Eric!

0:17:510:17:53

Och, away ye go, ya wanker ye!

0:17:550:17:59

Throw the food! Throw something, come on!

0:17:590:18:02

Throw us the steak bakes!

0:18:060:18:09

I'm concussed. I'm sure of it.

0:18:290:18:32

Why did you let that bloody flare aff?

0:18:320:18:35

It was an emergency.

0:18:350:18:37

-It's no an emergency no getting fed, Victor.

-It is tae me.

0:18:370:18:41

I've had nae breakfast.

0:18:410:18:42

I didn't even got a bite oot ma roll before you dragged me oot!

0:18:420:18:45

I've had nae breakfast. I could eat a scabby horse.

0:18:450:18:48

All I've had is a couple of strips of bacon.

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And a sausage and a black pudding and an egg...

0:18:500:18:53

and some fried toast, and all...

0:18:530:18:56

And a tottie scone... Oh, aye, beans and mushrooms...

0:18:560:18:59

Shut up!

0:18:590:19:01

I'm seein double. There's four of you in this boat.

0:19:010:19:04

Right, what are we doing noo? Eh, Mr Organisation?

0:19:040:19:07

I don't know.

0:19:090:19:11

Where are we?

0:19:110:19:13

Oh, it's no so bonny roond here.

0:19:130:19:17

-Aye, this is a bad part of the river.

-Is that the Park Mill flats?

0:19:170:19:22

Oh, Jesus! We're no in Park Mill, are we?

0:19:220:19:26

Apache country.

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SIRENS AND HOWLING

0:19:280:19:29

-What the hell was that?

-Calm doon, probably just a ned or something.

0:19:290:19:34

I don't like this, Jack. It's turning sour.

0:19:340:19:38

-I want out the boat.

-Never get out the boat.

0:19:390:19:41

-Absolutely godamm right.

-Aye, well I want oot.

0:19:410:19:44

Even if there was a place to get oot the boat, we're in Parkmill.

0:19:440:19:48

This place is twinned wi' the Gaza strip. I tell you, get oot the boat, ye'll get flayed.

0:19:480:19:53

Jack's right. The last time I was stupid enough to come through here I got beat up by a six year old!

0:19:530:19:58

Oh, no.

0:19:580:20:00

Here we go...

0:20:000:20:02

They look like bastards.

0:20:040:20:06

You're losin yer melon.

0:20:060:20:08

Scared fae a couple of kids.

0:20:080:20:11

How do, now?

0:20:110:20:13

See, there ye are.

0:20:130:20:16

Duck!

0:20:160:20:17

We're under attack!

0:20:220:20:24

-If I ever get aff this boat, Jack, I'm gonnie slit your bastardin' throat!

-Just stay low!

0:20:240:20:30

Right, we're all right, noo.

0:20:330:20:35

-What's that noise?

-What noise?

-WATER RUSHES

0:20:420:20:45

It's not unlike

0:20:450:20:48

water falling.

0:20:480:20:50

It's exactly like water falling!

0:20:520:20:55

Oh! Paddles! Quickly now. Come on.

0:20:550:20:58

Aaaghh!

0:21:010:21:12

That were a laugh, weren't it?

0:21:120:21:13

In here, this'll do us.

0:21:130:21:15

Some birthday, this.

0:21:190:21:22

Soakin', starvin, lost.

0:21:220:21:26

See you, Victor. You are one torn-faced bastard.

0:21:260:21:29

-You have been moaning since we hit the water this morning.

-Come here!

0:21:290:21:34

-What ya daein, ya madman?

-You're Jeremy Beadle, aren't ya, hey?

0:21:340:21:38

Get that mask off. I've had enough o' you, you prick!

0:21:380:21:41

-Get off me!

-Where's the cameras?

0:21:410:21:43

Let me see yer hand!

0:21:430:21:45

Back off!

0:21:450:21:47

You're turnin' into a loony. That's what Boabby said. It's the rat piss thing.

0:21:470:21:52

You've took a mouthful and you're off yer bloody nut!

0:21:520:21:55

I'm no a loony. You're the loony!

0:21:550:21:58

What ye daein for Winston's birthday? A firin' squad?

0:21:580:22:00

Sign me up for that.

0:22:000:22:03

Anything but this!

0:22:030:22:04

Meat and drink, fellas.

0:22:070:22:09

I would have them again.

0:22:190:22:22

Prawn cocktail. That's a first for me.

0:22:220:22:24

-How was yours?

-Oh, yeah.

0:22:240:22:27

My tomato ketchup flavour crisps were right on the money.

0:22:270:22:31

I had a packet of Starburst, a Mars bar, an even half dozen of fondant bananas.

0:22:310:22:37

About to have a Pepperami for ma puddin.

0:22:370:22:41

Oh!

0:22:410:22:43

Is it knackered?

0:22:540:22:56

PLAYS A CHORD

0:22:590:23:02

You know what, despite these two bollocks on ma foreheid, it's been a good day.

0:23:020:23:07

Aye.

0:23:070:23:08

Sorry about that wee outburst earlier on, Jack.

0:23:080:23:12

It's forgotten, Victor boy.

0:23:120:23:13

Do you know what this is like?

0:23:150:23:17

You know that movie wi' the boy with the big tache.

0:23:170:23:20

-Smokey and the Bandit.

-How?

0:23:200:23:23

No, no, no. The one when they go doon the river on the canoe.

0:23:230:23:27

-Deliverance.

-Aye.

0:23:270:23:30

It was a good movie, that. Aye.

0:23:320:23:34

Mind you, somebody got pumped in that, didn't they?

0:23:340:23:37

Aye. By hillbillies.

0:23:370:23:39

Ye haven't organised that for us, have ye?

0:23:390:23:43

-Here, see if it was that movie, you'd be the one to get pumped, Jack.

-How?

0:23:430:23:48

Cos it's the wee fat one that gets pumped in Deliverance.

0:23:480:23:51

-Victor can be Burt Reynolds. It's his birthday.

-Ooh! I like that.

-Aye.

0:23:510:23:55

That makes you the ugly half-witted bastard that plays the banjo.

0:23:550:23:59

PLAYS INTRO TO "Duelling Banjos"

0:24:000:24:04

-You enjoyed your birthday, then?

-Oh, aye. One of the best.

0:24:040:24:09

Sling us another can, will ye, Winston?

0:24:110:24:14

What? No, there's none left.

0:24:140:24:16

I wonder who that carry out belonged to.

0:24:160:24:18

Haw! Oh, Jesus!

0:24:180:24:20

Back in the boat.

0:24:200:24:23

-No, this way!

-In the boat, ya diddy!

0:24:240:24:27

Christ!

0:24:270:24:29

-Youse are deid!

-Do we look deid?

-Gi' us our beer.

0:24:340:24:38

We drank it all. And it was delicious!

0:24:380:24:40

Stop that. Yer just annoying them.

0:24:400:24:42

Do you know what we're gonnae dae to yous?

0:24:420:24:45

No. See if you hum it, I'll try and play it.

0:24:450:24:48

Where are we noo?

0:24:540:24:57

We're home and dry, boys. Just round this bend is the Clyde.

0:24:570:25:00

I used to work it. There's a slipway.

0:25:000:25:04

We can paddle up to that, jump on it, and we can get a bus right up the road.

0:25:040:25:08

-Oh, here, what aboot the boat?

-Oh, aye.

0:25:150:25:17

Well, we could take our time and let all the air out it, roll it up flat

0:25:170:25:22

and the three of us could humph it up the road dripping wet.

0:25:220:25:26

Or we could say it burst and sank.

0:25:260:25:28

-Burst and sank.

-It was a shame that.

-Unfortunate.

0:25:280:25:33

What a day. No offence, Jack, but I'm glad it's done.

0:25:330:25:36

-It's no done yet.

-Oh, Jesus! Is that a telly?

0:25:360:25:40

Oh, no.

0:25:400:25:42

You shouldn't huv drunk our beer.

0:25:420:25:44

We're sorry. We're pensioners.

0:25:440:25:46

It's ma birthday today.

0:25:460:25:49

Oh, happy birthday!

0:25:490:25:51

We've all clubbed together and got you a telly!

0:25:510:25:53

-Abandon ship!

-No, the rat's piss thing, remember. Just keep rowing.

0:25:570:26:02

There's the slipway! Keep rowing.

0:26:020:26:05

Quick!

0:26:170:26:19

Quick. In here.

0:26:260:26:28

-Ssh!

-Don't move!

0:26:390:26:42

We know yer in here.

0:26:420:26:44

We're gonnae boot the shite oot of you!

0:26:440:26:46

Jinkie, hit the light!

0:26:460:26:48

All the best, Victor.

0:27:020:27:04

Cheers, boys.

0:27:040:27:06

What age are you again?

0:27:060:27:08

-75, son.

-Magic, man.

0:27:080:27:11

Good age.

0:27:110:27:12

My granda's 75 next week.

0:27:120:27:14

-Is that right?

-Aye.

0:27:140:27:17

-Dunno what to get him.

-Whisky.

0:27:170:27:20

Jesus! What a heid!

0:28:000:28:03

No-o-o!

0:28:230:28:25

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