All the Best Still Game


All the Best

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Calm doon, wummin.

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TV: Any regrets about relocating to Rimini?

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Well, Italian's not the easiest...

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At first you struggle with the language.

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But the locals are very patient with you

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and there's a lot of Scots and Brits out here, so you don't get lonely.

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That's good. I'm that happy for ye.

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Is there anything you miss?

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Occasionally you'll miss odd things like tea bags or a tin of Baxter's soup.

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But we've long since sorted that.

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Oor son Robin comes oot at least once a month and brings us all those provisions that we miss.

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Thank God for Big Stupid Robin runnin' aboot like a daft lassie for his maw and da(!)

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The restaurants are that cheap that you can eat out.

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We never use the cooker now! SHE LAUGHS

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The cooker's never on! Aye, I'm the same!

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I just cook everything in the microwave like a bastardin' astronaut!

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I don't mean to sound smug, but when November comes, we really don't miss the Scottish rain.

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With all due respect to the people back home, they do not know what they're missing.

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With all due respect, sweetheart, stick it up yer arse.

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I've got my wee bit of Italy right here.

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PING!

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Bon appetit.

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That changes yer view, right enough.

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I remember when they built that towerblock and now they're pullin' it doon.

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Shower of arseholes.

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Who? Architects.

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Who needs a balcony 24 up? A balcony, by Christ!

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Ye can see the church noo.

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Can ye? Let me see.

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I cannae see...

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These are garbage. Haud on.

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I've another set in here.

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WAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Eh? What? What ye sayin'? Nuthin.

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I thought ye said something.

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How's that?

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Aye, that's me noo.

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That's something. I can see Navid pointing up at oor building.

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Gie him a wave.

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He'll no wave back. He'll no see us. He's no got binoculars.

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D'ye mind they pulled doon that row of hooses behind Winston's?

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They'd only been standing 11 year. Behind Winston's.

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I was offered one of them. A Swiss guy or a Swedish guy had designed them.

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Flat roofs.

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All right for Algeria but no for here.

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Aye. Bunch of wankers.

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Where is it you live?

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A freezing cauld wet and windy country?

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There's a hoose made oot o' papier-mache.

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And we'll put all yer windaes in wi' Plasticine.

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TELEPHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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It's Isa.

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Calm doon, wummin.

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Jesus!

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Right, Tam. What's this? It's a kitty for Hughie's widow.

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No, Victor. No me. Come on. Get yer haun in yer pocket.

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No. And I'll tell ye why.

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Cos yer a dirty miserable shite, that's why. No.

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If that man had died of a heart attack, ran over wi' a bus or shot, even, I'd've chipped in.

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But divin' out a building?

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I know it's harsh, but suicide doesn't merit a kitty.

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Tam, whatever happened to, "I left ma wallet in ma other troosers,"

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or "I don't draw ma pension till Thursday"?

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"Suicide doesnae merit a kitty"?

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It's no aboot him any mair. It's aboot his poor wife. She's left tae deal wi' it awe.

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What's she called again?

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Ella.

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Oh, Ella. That's right.

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Sherry please, Boabby.

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Gies a pie and beans, Boabby...and a whisky.

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Have ye heard? Whit?

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Aboot Hughie Casey? Aye.

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Terrible business, i'n't it?

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Ye think? I think he's done himself a favour, if you ask me.

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Come on noo, Winston. You cannae say that.

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Ach, gies peace, Isa.

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His worries are over. I would do it masel if I didnae only live one up.

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I see we've caught you on a guid day.

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Look, Hughie Casey was a nice fella.

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But it's this place, innit?

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The Clansman? Aye, it does get to ye.

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Naw, Craiglang.

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He's took one look at this place and he's went, "Nah!"

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If he was a Red Indian, naebody would be botherin' their arse.

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The long walk, they call it.

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And it's no a big deal tae them.

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Nae shame in it at aw.

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To Hughie.

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Here is your pie and beans, Dances Wi' One Leg. Stick it up yer arse.

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Jesus. What's eatin' him? I don't think Winston's far off the mark.

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I knew Hughie well. He didnae want tae retire.

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He was all about the job.

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Chauffeuring for 40 year.

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People relying on him to be there.

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Then...no longer required. That's a lot for some folk tae to take.

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He said to me before, "I don't know what I'll dae when this is all done."

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Sittin' in aw day, every day wi' Ella? Hey, hey!

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C'mon, Jack. She's nae oil paintin'.

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Jesus Christ, that's terrible.

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She's the double of Ken Dodd. Aye, Tam. That's enough. Isa?

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Aye. She does have a look of Ken Dodd aboot her. The two boys got called the Diddy Men at school.

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Whoa! Where you goin' wi' that pie, Kemosabe?

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Winston's pie? Back into the fridge, Tam,

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until such time's as a customer wants to pay for one.

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That's been heated. You cannae reheat that. That's Health and Safety.

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?1.50.

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50.

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A pound.

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Deal.

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Ring the bell. Ach, Isa!

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We've never even met this woman. Can YOU no just gie her the money?

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And we'll see ye in the pub later? Look...

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ye've done a nice thing here havin' a whip roon. The least ye can dae is hand the money in yerselves.

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Anyway, it's good for her to know she's got neighbours round aboot her.

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Oh...Isa.

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Hello, hen.

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I was just daein' a bit of dusting to take ma mind aff things.

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Aye. This is Jack and Victor.

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They knew Hughie. Would youse like to come in?

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Eh...we were sorry to hear that Hughie was Dodd, eh, dead.

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That's good of you, Jack.

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He often mentioned youse.

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Diddy?

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Um, did HE?

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The boys have aw put together, and eh...

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It's no much but...

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there ye go.

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It's a lovely gesture. Much appreciate it.

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Must have been an awful shock. It was just the way it happened.

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So quick.

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He parked his car.

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He came up the stairs.

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I went in the kitchen to get him a cuppa.

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When I came oot...

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..he'd done it.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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Oh, that phone!

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I wish I could get peace from it. Why don't you just turn it off?

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It's his chauffeur phone.

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That'll be his boss.

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I don't know what to say to him.

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Now listen to me, sweetheart. Calm doon.

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Don't concern yersel' wi' this any more.

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The next time this phone goes, we'll get it and we'll explain

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to him what's happened to Hughie and everything's gonnae be fine.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS AGAIN

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Hughie Casey's phone. Jack Jarvis Esquire speaking for Hughie Casey.

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I'm afraid he's not available at the moment.

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I'll be able to explain that...

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If I could... If I could just...

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Here, listen, I'd rather you didn't take that tone with me.

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Aye, well, you'd have a bloody job wringing his neck.

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He's in a million bits.

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ELLA CRIES

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If you want tae rummage through the mush tae find his neck tae wring, you're welcome to try, sir.

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Excuse me, sir. Sorry about that.

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That is an idiot boy that works for Hughie.

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Just so you understand,

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Hughie Casey took his own life by ejecting himself from his ain living room windae.

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That's a very considerate question, sir. Yes, the car is fine.

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He didn't jump on top of it.

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Righto. Hold on.

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..They want the car back.

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Is that the keys there, hen? Aye.

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If you can come to Osprey Heights on Saturday, 2.30?

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We'll make sure the car's there.

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Right you are. OK.

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The fella was a wee bit concerned because Hughie had two weddings this weekend.

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That's that oot the windae, eh?

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What about Deanhill? Deanhill?

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Do I look as if I enjoy crack? Sorry?

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Do I look like a junkie? A dragon chaser? Och, no.

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No. Well, I'm gonnae look oot o' place in Deanhill, amn't I?

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Whit about Cravenwood?

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Cravenwood! Yer offering me a flat in Cravenwood?!

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Do I get a free shotgun with that, son? Cos I'm gonnae need it in Cravenwood.

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That's Comanche country! Ach, ye know what, son?

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Just forget it.

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Sorry. Mr Ingram! I completely forgot...

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What? Your leg.

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You're on invalidity, aren't you?

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I am. Aye Well, if your interested...

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you would qualify for a new council housing initiative.

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Keep talkin', son.

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Well, it is in Finport, though. Finport?

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I used to go there when I was a wean.

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Here we are. Lovely big motor, eh?!

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Aye, kept it nice, didn't he?

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Automatic.

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Easy to drive yer automatic.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

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That's you a chauffeur noo, Jack. What the bloody hell are you doing?!

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Oh!

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Left here, Jack.

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For God's sake!

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VICTOR TUTS

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What are you tutting at?

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Ye never checked yer mirror tae see if anyone was behind ye.

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That's because there isnae anybody behind us.

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Aye, 20/20 hindsight, aye!

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You see, your job as the driver...

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Chauffeur. Chauffeur, aye, is to convey your passenger effortlessly from A to B without them being

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overly concerned with being battered up the arse by another car because you never checked yer mirror.

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Nobody will be getting battered up the arse on ma shift.

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Anyway, if I'm the chauffeur, what does that make you?

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Aye, well, I've thought about that.

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I'll be dealing with the customer, you know, front line.

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Opening doors, the smiling face.

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You're mair... boiler-room staff really.

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I know what your position is. You're the spare prick at a weddin'.

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Oh, dear, Jack.

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Navvy chat. Ye've showed yerself tae be uncouth.

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Unfit to be dealing wi' the general public.

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Shut up, ya bastard.

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Just drive, ye clown. Don't call me a clown.

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Oh!

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PEDESTRIAN CROSSING BEEPS

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Fergie, ya bloody halfwit!

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What ye daein' in the middle of the road on the crossing when the...when the wee man's at...

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green? Sorry!

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It's aw right. Just takin' this beer up ma ma's. Oh, aye. Bit of a party, is it?

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It's fur ma reception. Are ye marryin' that wee lassie? Congratulations.

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Is that Mr Casey's motor? It is, aye.

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I was gonnae ask him how much he charges cos that would have been nice.

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Pick her up in a big motor. She'd love that.

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But he's thrown hissel oot a windae, i'n't he? Aye, he did.

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Ach, probably too dear anyway.

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So where are you havin' yer reception?

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Naewhere. In ma ma's.

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Best of luck to the two of ye, Fergie.

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Fergie?

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Where is it yer girlfriend lives?

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Aah, Mr Finport! Eh?

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How...?

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I know Jackie in the housing office.

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Aye, Finport. It's gotta be better than this cesspit.

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Good for you, Winston.

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Very brave to make that kind of decision at your age.

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A life beside the ocean.

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Getting to see your horizons, rather than just imagining them.

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Nicely put, Navid.

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My father-in-law lived inland all his days.

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Then as soon as he unloaded Meena onto me, he took his chance

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and started up his own business in the coastal town of Puri.

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Building pedaloes. Sounds lovely.

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Mmm.

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So, is he still there?

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No. He was eaten by a tiger shark.

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There was a reason there weren't any pedaloes in Puri. Silly bastard.

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I'll don't think there are any sharks in Finport.

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Jelly fish maybe, but nae sharks.

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Finport?

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Who's off to Finport?

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I am. Saturday. Oh, nice.

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How long for?

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Eh...

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..for good.

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For good! Finport, by Christ.

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What ye laughin' at? That's what I'm daein'. I'm leaving Craiglang and I'm setting up in Finport.

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If you want a break from Craiglang, do what everybody else does. Take a couple of days in Blackpool.

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That's right, but no, you've got to go a wee bit better. You've got to go the extra mile. Finport, eh?

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That's you all over! Impulsive! Madcap!

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Another hair-brained scheme from Winnie Ingram!

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Well, I'm glad my plan amuses you.

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Navid, cheery-bye.

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What's the matter with him?

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Where we out of line there? Well, I dunno. He's your pal, gentlemen.

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You've known each other all your days.

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But if you feel confident enough to stand there and rubbish him

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in front of the man who sells him his bog roll, then fine!

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Jeezo. Yer far on wi' this.

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I telt ye I wasnae messin' aboot.

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And, listen, if you've come here for round two of takin' the piss, ye kin sling yer hook.

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Actually, we're here to apologise.

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Aye. We were out of order. We just didnae think you were serious.

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We don't want ye to make a mistake. I tell ye what would be making a mistake, stayin' here and festerin'.

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You know me. Once I've made ma mind up...

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But the coast, Winston, it looks dandy on paper.

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A lot of people oor age think that's the answer.

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It doesnae pan oot that way but.

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Apart fae that, yer breakin' up the old team, ye know.

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Christ's sake, Jack. What team?

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Most of the team are deid.

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Youse two are more than welcome to stay here in Craiglang marking time.

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But see this place? It depresses me.

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It brings me doon.

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I'm sick of the same old faces.

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Thanks very much, Winston.

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Look, you know I didn't mean that.

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Youse two are awright. You do your ain thing.

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But me, I'm out.

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I'll tell you another thing. They're doin' a lot of good things down there.

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They've just put new railings right along the front.

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Ooh, new railings!

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Sorry.

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And a new tea room tae. That'll be good.

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It's just been done up. It'll be hoachin wi' widows in the summer.

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That's what I'll be - the sly auld fox in amongst the chickens, eh?

0:17:280:17:33

Look, lads...

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I'm no askin' for yer permission, but I want you to be happy for me.

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Eric's organised a wee drink on Saturday night in the Clansman. A wee sort of cheerio affair.

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Will ye come? Eric's organised it, has he?

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Aye, we'll come. Of course we'll come.

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To the fanny in Finport.

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And the other one who'll be joining them shortly.

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Oh.

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Oh, aye, here, lads! This is Jack and Victor! They're gonnae pick Sinead up the morra!

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How youse doin'? C'mon, we'll buy ye a drink!

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No, no. Yer awright, son. We're a wee bit past stag parties.

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Garbage. We're going up tae Reflections.

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Gonnae get full o' it. C'mon.

0:18:250:18:27

Reflections? No. Enjoy yersel', Fergie.

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I'll see ye the morra.

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I've to let you know about Winston's drink. In here tomorrow night.

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You're all the heroes we know all about it.

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See ye then.

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4pm.

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Ye'll have heard aboot this, eh? Winston off to the coast. Aye.

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It's a mistake.

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Jealous?

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Excuse me? You two. Jealous.

0:18:580:19:01

Winston! Don't go!

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Don't leave us! Yer makin' a mistake! Holding on tae his wooden leg! Sta-ay!

0:19:040:19:08

What is it you're on aboot? You two.

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You don't like change.

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As much as I think he's an arsehole, at least Winston's got balls.

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The balls to get up and go. Make changes.

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And youse cannae stand it.

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Pish. It's not pish.

0:19:240:19:26

Winston's a bull and he wants into the next field. Nothing's gonnae stop him.

0:19:260:19:30

Whereas you two are sheep.

0:19:300:19:32

And Craiglang is yer wee pen.

0:19:320:19:35

Right, if that's us, what does that make you?

0:19:350:19:38

I know what I am.

0:19:380:19:40

A brainless bastard.

0:19:400:19:42

The highlight of my day is eating one of ma ain pies and throwing a few quid intae that puggy.

0:19:420:19:47

I know I'll no get oot a here but I've made peace with it.

0:19:470:19:51

Craiglang is Death Row

0:19:510:19:53

and I'm...I'm on it.

0:19:530:19:55

Dead man walking.

0:20:020:20:04

Don't rise to that, Victor. He's just pullin' yer chain.

0:20:070:20:09

There's plenty of life left in Craiglang yet.

0:20:090:20:12

Oh, aye? Where are you two rock stars up tae the night, when you leave here?

0:20:140:20:19

Close the curtains. Be-e-e-e-ed.

0:20:190:20:22

No, we're going to Reflections.

0:20:240:20:26

Aye! Are we?

0:20:260:20:29

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:300:20:32

Jesus, that boy's got his haun right up that lassie's skirt! Is that allowed?

0:20:390:20:42

Evidently.

0:20:420:20:44

When was the last time you done that?

0:20:440:20:46

I don't know, but Pat Boone was singing while I was daein' it.

0:20:460:20:50

This is murder. Let's get oot o' here.

0:20:510:20:54

No, you're all right, Fergie. C'mon! Get it doon ye! It's best o' gear.

0:20:550:20:59

We're no very big on the blue drinks, Fergie. What are they?

0:20:590:21:02

Electroid - vodka, Red Bull and Blue Bols.

0:21:020:21:06

That's all we're needin' at oor age.

0:21:060:21:08

Blue Bols. We're away!

0:21:080:21:10

C'mon. It's ma stag night, man!

0:21:100:21:13

For God's sake. Jesus, Jack!

0:21:230:21:26

What am I daein' in your bloody hoose?

0:21:260:21:28

I'll tell ye what yer doin' in ma hoose.

0:21:280:21:30

You and I are a couple of party animals.

0:21:300:21:34

HE LAUGHS

0:21:340:21:35

Sheep, by Christ!

0:21:350:21:37

Ooh...this is the bollocks right enough.

0:21:420:21:45

Very strange, though.

0:21:450:21:47

What's that? Well, generally if I've been on a night on the skite, I couldnae face that.

0:21:470:21:52

But I feel great.

0:21:520:21:54

Aye, me an' awe.

0:21:540:21:56

I'll tell ye why that is. See yer boozy coloured drinks, they're full of vitamin C and fruit juice.

0:21:570:22:03

That'll be why the kiddies drink it, aye.

0:22:030:22:05

So they can get up nice and early in the morning and go to school.

0:22:050:22:09

What a day! I remember Sinead when she was a wee lassie!

0:22:180:22:22

Is that right, aye? Prick. Couldnae remember his address.

0:22:220:22:25

Are you the drivers? That's right, sweetheart. Who are you? The blushing bride?

0:22:250:22:29

Ooh-hoo! ALEC, that's the drivers here!

0:22:290:22:33

'SINEAD!'

0:22:330:22:35

"Who are you? The blushing bride!" Shut up. You no wantin' a tip? Fae this mob?

0:22:350:22:39

Oh, er, nearly ready then, eh? Just getting a button put on ma troosers.

0:22:420:22:47

Bastard pinged aff this morning when I was tryin' them on. It's the cider.

0:22:470:22:51

It's a bastard. Ye's wantin' a can?

0:22:510:22:53

Oh, no, no.

0:22:530:22:55

Here she comes, the bride noo!

0:22:560:22:59

Look at her skin! She's been Tangoed! That's no skin, that's rind!

0:23:000:23:04

This way, darlin'. What a day!

0:23:040:23:06

I remember when Sinead...

0:23:060:23:08

Aye, a wee lassie! Aye.

0:23:080:23:10

In ye get, darlin'.

0:23:100:23:11

Beautiful motor. Classy.

0:23:130:23:15

Where's the other motors?

0:23:150:23:17

Other motors? Will we all get in this?

0:23:190:23:22

I've been a bit selfish with the driving.

0:23:220:23:25

Would you like to drive, Victor? And I'll sit with...

0:23:250:23:28

No, I'm fine, Jack. Fine.

0:23:280:23:30

Haud the bus, driver! I need tae dae the scramble.

0:23:300:23:33

Scramble!

0:23:350:23:36

Fur God's sake, Da. How much did you throw oot?

0:23:380:23:40

Three pound and a power card.

0:23:400:23:43

Thanks, fellas! That was smash...

0:24:060:24:08

You're welcome. Get back in the car.

0:24:090:24:12

Eh? Get back in the car.

0:24:120:24:15

Oh!

0:24:150:24:16

Hello there! There's your keys there.

0:24:270:24:29

Ah, now...

0:24:290:24:31

the reason the car's... warm is we, um...

0:24:310:24:35

That's because we started it up.

0:24:350:24:36

We did, aye. Because...

0:24:360:24:39

..because we didn't want you gettin'...a flat battery. Battery.

0:24:390:24:42

That's right. Thanks.

0:24:420:24:45

Winston's drinks! Oh, Jesus.

0:24:580:25:00

Stop! Ye couldnae drap us at the Clansman, could ye?

0:25:020:25:06

Well.

0:25:070:25:09

Better be off. My taxi comes soon tae take me tae the bus depot.

0:25:090:25:14

Hold on for Jack and Victor, Winston.

0:25:140:25:16

They'll no want to miss ye. Och, no.

0:25:160:25:19

They're obviously busy daein' something else.

0:25:190:25:21

Right.

0:25:280:25:30

Oh, I'll miss ye, Winston.

0:25:310:25:33

Come on, you. Nae tears.

0:25:330:25:36

Remember, I'm only away doon the coast.

0:25:360:25:38

Listen, hen, thanks very much for that jumper, by the way.

0:25:380:25:42

Boabby, thanks for the malt.

0:25:420:25:44

Eric, thanks for that smashin' set of darts.

0:25:450:25:48

Tam, thanks for...sitting there and watching me getting gifts off everybody else.

0:25:500:25:55

No problem, Winston. Oh, Winston, thank God you're still here.

0:25:550:25:59

Oh, ye finally made it.

0:25:590:26:01

Eh, we got you something.

0:26:010:26:04

Oh, aye. That's right.

0:26:040:26:05

We just wanted to wish ye luck.

0:26:050:26:08

Well, you've been a great pal.

0:26:080:26:10

It's very nice, that.

0:26:100:26:12

If you ever need to find yer way back...

0:26:120:26:15

There's a compass on the front.

0:26:150:26:17

Oh, full, tae.

0:26:170:26:19

Oh, it's full o' lemonade.

0:26:190:26:22

It was just to gie ye an idea what weight it would be... when it's full o' whisky.

0:26:220:26:26

Very nice of ye, fellas.

0:26:260:26:28

Right.

0:26:390:26:40

Well, I guess that's me then.

0:26:400:26:42

Right, where is he? I'm gonnae rip that little bastard's lungs oot! What the hell's happened?

0:26:420:26:47

Fergie! He stood ma Sinead up! Wait a minute, where is he? Youse were the last to see him. No, we werenae.

0:26:470:26:52

Youse were. You took him hame!

0:26:520:26:55

Did we?

0:26:550:26:57

DRUNKEN SINGING

0:26:580:27:00

Jack!

0:27:140:27:16

Victor!

0:27:160:27:18

Ya couple of basta-a-ards!

0:27:200:27:22

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

0:27:250:27:27

Finport?

0:28:170:28:19

Finport, aye.

0:28:190:28:21

To live.

0:28:210:28:23

Really? Me too.

0:28:230:28:25

Is that right?

0:28:250:28:27

Aye.

0:28:270:28:28

Well, my husband died last year so, um...

0:28:280:28:31

Sorry to hear that.

0:28:310:28:33

Oh, no. He left me a fortune.

0:28:330:28:36

So I'm off to Finport to spend the lot. Oh, aye?

0:28:360:28:39

And I'm looking for a man to spend it with. But most of all...

0:28:390:28:43

I'm looking for somebody to attend to these puppies.

0:28:430:28:46

They've been so-o neglected.

0:28:460:28:50

FINPORT!

0:28:510:28:53

Feet aff!

0:28:530:28:55

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