Saucy Still Game

You have me at a disadvantage there, Jack. I don't believe we've...

Did you watch the football last night? Naw.

I was gonnae come in here and watch it,

but it's no' the same without Winston shoutin' and bawlin' at the telly, is it?

Aye. He made it worth watchin' even when it was a shite game.

Aye, aye.

I fair miss him. Me too.

I was in the bookies yesterday and Captain Dandy was running.

He won as well!

I wonder if Winston was backing him.

Aye, I wonder.

Aye. I miss him too.

Our wee pal. We're lost without him.

Get it up ye, ya prick!

You wouldnae know what it is to miss a pal, Bobby, never having had one, ya black-hearted loner bastard.

You don't need pals in the pub game, Victor.

Suck ye dry.

Here's yer post, Boabby.

Chris, give us our post.

Save ye humpin' it up the block.

Cannae do that, Jack. Her Majesty's post is very clear on this.

Mail must be delivered to the recipient at the recipient's place of residence.

Since when have you cared aboot rules? Gies wur post!

No. Against the regulations. Chris.

You are a shiftless deadbeat.

Why are you acting all officious as if yer being watched? Post!

No! I'll no' tell ye again. C'mon!

I'll get hung for this.

Osprey Heights... No, you've no' got any.

Boabby, you've got a leccy bill and a postcard.

Oooh, what to read first.

Leccy bill or postcard?

I'm gonnae keep you till later, ye wee minx.

Ah. It's from Winston.

What's he sayin'?

"To all at the Clansman.

"Just a wee update on life in Finport.

"Won 25 quid in a puggy in Neville's Amusement Arcade and a new baker's has opened.

"Their cream horns are the bollocks.

"The place is hoaching with Fandan.

"Best move I ever made coming here.

"Get it up youse."

Another nice piece of correspondence from Oscar Wilde.

And the photograph? Nude lassie.

Put it up with the rest of them.

He must have been buying in bulk.

And he never puts his address on them, eh?

No, queer, that.

He doesnae want anybody droppin' in on him.

He likes advanced warning.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

This is Frances' sister, Molly Drummond.

Now that's a familiar face.

Jack Jarvis Esquire.

How do you do?

Boabby, lager, two sherries.

You have me at a disadvantage there, Jack. I don't believe we've...

C'mon now. Molly Drummond.

Sold out the Alhambra six weeks in a row in 19 - ahem - 2.

# Paradise is just next door...

# And it's all there Waiting for you! #

I remember now, aye. What was the other one...?

# Be sure to write me when you get there... #

No. I never done that song.

That was Tilly Macaig.

Nasty wee cow.

I'll get these. You picked me up at the bus station, Tam.

Indeed you will not. Tam! Of course.

Aye, aye, aye. Molly's up from Finport for a few days.

Oh, we've a nice friend in Finport. I was telling her.

Anyway, Molly couldnae make Frances and I's weddin', so this is a sort of getting to know each other.

Aye.

Did I tell ye that Molly played the Carnegie Hall in the Big Apple?

Alongside Billy Eckstein and Sarah Vaughan.

Really?

That's something, aye.

And do you know who bought her a drink after the show one night? No.

Who?

A certain Francis Albert Sinatra.

Really?

On the house. Very kind.

Tam, always a pleasure to watch you work. Maestro! Maestro!

# I did it my-y-y wa-a-a-a-ay! #

# Paradise is just next door... # Where are ye? Sssh.

Listen.

That's Molly live at the Alhambra. 1962.

What a voice!

# Give a little knock on the wall tonight... #

Here, has she still got the looks, eh?

Oh, aye, aye. She's...foxy.

Aye. Nicely turned oot.

Blonde hair and the make-up and a' that. A looker.

Aye, she's... She's a looker.

Er, what is it you're wanting?

Eh? Oh, aye. Aye, ye'll never guess. Bloody Winston's just phoned.

What's he sayin'? Nothin', really.

How's tricks?

He was bumming up Finport something chronic. Did you get his address?

No. No. I asked him but he was waffling on and I didnae get it.

That's nae bloody use, is it?

He said a funny thing, though, Jack.

Oh, aye? He said, "How's the Clansman?"

What's funny aboot that? Well, nothin'.

But...then he said, "How's Boabby?"

"How's Boabby?"

That IS funny. They must have arseholes in Finport, surely.

You woulda thought so. Why would you miss a wanker?

Why would you miss a big walking tit wi' legs?

A dunderheid, a walloper.

A serf. A go-get-me.

A dimwit. A cockbag. Oh-h.

Do you know what I think? What?

I reckon he's desperately lonely.

..Go on.

Well, if yer so low that you miss the shitiest thing aboot the place ye've left... Boabby.

..then ye must really be hating the place ye're in.

Where does that put us? Puts us on the bus tae Finport, Jack.

I'll get the plates and the sauce. No, don't bother wi' plates!

It's awful good of ye tae have me for the few days.

Not a bit of it, Molly. You're family, for God's sake!

I mean I could have booked into a hotel, but so many of them nowadays are so impersonal.

Bloody expensive, too! Oh, aye.

I brought the plates, anyway.

Thanks, Frances.

Right, darlin'. Ta. Huv ye nae brown sauce, Frances? Brown sauce? Aye.

Oh, er. No!

It's just red sauce we take, eh, Tam?

Aye, just red sauce.

Here, I might have a sachet of brown sauce that I've lifted.

When I eat out, I always grab a handful of these.

You havenae changed! I know. What am I like?

Every penny's a prisoner wi' me, eh?

# You're the lady you're the lady that I love I'm the lady, the lady who... #

We've got the bus station there, so that's a five-minute walk doon to the beach.

That's the shops there.

I reckon the best bet's starting at that wee estate there. Aye, well.

That's as good a place as any.

Besides, how many one-legged old duffers can there be in Finport, eh?

Youse want another? Naw, actually. We're heading off.

Um... We're going to go down to Finport, check up on Winston.

Why, what's up with him? Nothing's wrong wi' him. It's time for a wee visit, ye know?

Boabby. Lager and a sweet sherry.

Right. Hey, Tam.

..We're gonnae shoot doon tae Finport, see how Winston's doing. De ye want tae come wi' us?

Ordinarily, er...

Any other day, but...

No. Ye dirty bugger.

What? Nickin' aboot in the middle of the afternoon wi' yer wife's sister.

What you all about?

Frances is stuck in the library till five o'clock.

It's my responsibility to...

To what, Tam? Show her a good time!

Curious choice of words, that.

What is your idea of showing a woman a good time, Tam?

Well, bring her in here and have a sherry. Chat. Convivial...

Boabby. Your idea of showing a woman a good time? Pumpin' her.

That's my wife's sister you're talking about.

And I'm only married ten minutes.

Have a little respect.

Tam. Here's your chance to gie me a bit of respect and gie us ?3.80 for the drinks, eh?

Ye can look aboot all ye want, Tam.

Naebody's gonnae save ye fae buyin' this round.

Ye've had yer freebie, noo it's time to cough up.

Is it?

Is it really?

Oh, just in time, Eric!

I've got yer signed album from the lovely Molly. Oh, boy!

Unbelievable. That's made ma day.

Right. Let me square ye up for they drinks, Boabby?

I'll get that. It's the least I can dae. And the next yin and the next yin!

Oh, thanks for that, Eric.

Do you know what? Give us another couple of drinks.

Has anybody got a light?

Aye. Er...

There ye go. Thanks. I've never got one of these when I need one. I'll give it you back in a minute.

Oh, that's all right. You can keep that one.

Thanks.

# You're the lady, you're the lady that I love

# I'm the lady, the lady who

# You're the fella, you're the fella that rocks me... #

Maybe we should have come down earlier. Time's marching on a bit.

No, we've got stacks of time.

The last bus doesnae go back tae eleven o'clock.

Right. What we doin' first when we get doon here?

Er, well, we should be cognisant of the fact that we are doon here looking for Winston.

But we should also bear in mind that we are pensioners and we don't get to the coast very often.

So what ye thinking?

Fish, chips, ice cream, pint...then Winston. Sounds like a plan.

SEAGULLS CALL

WIND HOWLS

Here, listen, we'll no' bother with the ice cream, eh? No.

I cannae feel ma clacker bag.

It doesnae matter, the chips'll warm us up.

Shut. When does it open?

May.

Pint? Pint.

DOOR CREAKS

I'm starving. Aye, I know. Me an' a'.

You doin' food, son? Normally, aye. But ma cook's in hospital with the depression.

Queerest thing I've ever seen.

Took a' his claes aff, put them in a neat wee pile, walked into the water.

They carted him.

He was navy blue.

Shoutin' and bawlin' aboot toasties.

Aye, well. Two lager. That's food of sort.

Two pints of lager coming up.

DISPELLING AIR

Need tae change the old barrel, eh?

Nope. That's the last one. The brewery only delivers on a Wednesday.

Okey-dokey. Two whiskies, then, please.

Don't recognise the two of you.

We're doon fae Glasgow.

What brings ye tae Finport?

Well, we've got a pal doon here.

He moved doon here six weeks ago and we just wanted to see how he was doing, you know?

Problem is, we don't have his address. What's his name?

Winston. Winston Ingram.

Red face. Pot belly.

Limp. Wooden leg.

No! No!

Where d'you think the best place tae start would be?

Youse two aren't going to wander aboot Finport in the dark, are ye?

Well, aye.

That wouldnae be the best idea.

SIREN BLARES

See when darkness comes...

Finport belongs to the young team.

SHOUTING

Jesus. What are we doing now?

Just hole up here for the night.

Start your search in the morning. Michael here has got a bed and breakfast.

Haven't you, Michael? Yeah! Oh!

The fella was sayin' ye've got a bed and breakfast.

Yeah. That's right, yeah. You're an English fella, aren't ye? Yeah.

Used to be a cab driver.

I came up here in '95 with me missus.

Worst move I ever made.

I'd go back to London in a flash, but the house market went crazy down there.

So I'm trapped.

Trapped in Finport.

Like a rat.

Me missus couldn't stick it.

She's gone back to live with her mother.

Been quiet, has it? Quiet?

It's...

Yeah, it's quiet.

I've had to sell me car to make some money,

but it's been up for sale for two years.

There's my card.

Breakfast is between 7 and 7.30.

Or whenever you like, really.

OWL HOOTS

Four and five. At the top of the stairs.

Thanks very much. Nighty-nighty now.

Want to have a nightcap with me? Naw. We've an early start in the morning. Aye.

We've got a very big day tomorrow. But thanks for offering, though.

Go on.

Have a drink.

No, thanks.

Have a drink with me, will ya? Please.

OK. Great.

Oh, aye.

Now, what have I got?

I've got vodka.

No, I don't.

I've got Bacardi. Aye, Bacardi's fine. We'll gie it a try.

Now...have I got a can of coke?

Diet lemonade do ya?

Two Bacardis and diet lemonade.

Thank you.

That's ?4.80.

Hello, Molly.

Evening. Evening, Molly.

Evening, Tam.

Is yer room OK, Molly?

My room's lovely, Tam.

Lonely, but lovely.

Oh, here, you sit there.

Thank you.

Where did you get yer goonie, Tam?

The hospital.

I was in for a bladder operation back when and I thought, "A wee souvenir," you know?

Yours is nice, too.

St Anne's Hotel. Very nice.

I actually got two of them.

Oh.

It was a lovely hotel. Lovely rooms.

Oh - beautiful, big fluffy towels.

I could hardly get my case shut!

Case shut!

Right. What are we watching?

Ooh. Basic Instinct.

Ow!

I know you asked for bacon, but...there wasn't...

See, if you opened a gun shop doon here there'd be a queue right down to the beach.

SOBBING

Michael, get over it. She's no' coming back!

We need to get out of here.

Get looking.

Jesus! What?

It's him!

No, no, no, no, no.

I've had that before. Now pay up.

We're no daein' a runner. Our pal's just walked past the windae!

Yeah, good for you. Now, ?14 each.

Cough up.

There you are. There's 30.

I'll just get you your change.

No, get yersel a Bacardi and diet lemonade, ye arsehole, ye!

Winston! W...

There you go.

It's on the house, seeing as it's your birthday, eh?

You cannae get enough sweetness in your life, Tam.

No, I know. You cannot.

Molly, I'm...sorry you haven't seen much of Frances this week.

They work her hard at the library there.

Och. Tam, it's gied us the chance to get to know one another and that's a good thing, isn't it?

Oh-oh! The dreaded bill.

The bill, the bill, the bill.

Och, Tam. Allow me.

I will not allow you. Not at all.

No.

Get this money oot of my pocket.

That's a classic move.

But here's one I don't think you'll have seen.

# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Sandy

# Happy birthday

# To yo-o-ou! #

PEOPLE APPLAUD 80, Sandy? Well, done, darlin'.

Let me attend tae ma bill now.

Let me attend tae that.

Oh, Tam.

Did you enjoy that wee song?

No, it was the bill.

It was beautiful!

I've never had a freebie oot of this place before!

We musta been up every bastardin' street in this town.

I've chapped a' the skin aff ma knuckles. Should have brought a photo.

That woulda done it. A wee town like this.

That would've been the clever thing tae dae, but with us being a couple of daft auld pricks... Aye, daft.

Hello, ya couple of queer hawks! Winston!

What in the name of Christ are you two doin' here?

We're doon tae see you! You should have phoned!

Aye, well, we woulda done if you'd given us the bloody number! Aye.

Came doon tae see if you're awright.

What de ye mean, if I'm awright? Of course I'm awright!

I'm in Finport!

Welcome tae Finport!

That'll be a cat stuck up a tree or something.

Listen, it was really nice of youse tae come doon, you know, but, as you can see, I'm fine and dandy.

Aye.

So, er...what is it you want to do?

Just see ye and that. Get a cup of tea and that.

Have a look at yer digs.

Oh, aye, aye. Nae bother. We've...

We've been a' roon aboot.

There's not a lot to do, is there? What is it ye do all day here?

Me? Oh, pshaw! I'm never done daein' stuff.

A' day. Aye.

Every day. Like what? I'll tell you what to do.

Come with me and I'll gie ye a day in the new life of Winston Ingram!

Right, do you know what this is?

Penny falls machine.

Not quite, Victor. Nearly.

This is a cash cascade.

It's a licence tae print money.

See this. It's a penny falls machine without an alarm. Oi, oi, oi.

Aw, boo. Nothin' happens. Will those coins ever fall?

Right, gentlemen.

Time to paint the town red.

See, eh?

You don't get this in Craiglang.

No, you can get pneumonia in Craiglang, as well.

So, er... So, you're settled then, eh? Here.

What? Aye. Of course I am.

Couldnae be happier.

Well, that's youse. Oh, is that us?

Aye.

Oh, we never seen yer digs, eh?

Oh, aye!

Er... Next time, eh?

Aye. We'll do that the next time.

Right, well,

all the best. Goodbye, Jack.

Cheerio, Winston. Cheers, Victor. See youse later.

WINSTON WHISTLES

I'll just get you a tea for the bus, Molly.

I'll come wi' ye, then! Don't be stupid. You've got the case.

You stay and keep Molly company.

Righto.

What's the matter, Tam?

Do you no' want to be alone with me?

That's the problem, see? I want to be alone wi' ye.

Tonight, tomorrow night, for the rest of my life.

Your tightfistedness drives me crazy, sweetheart.

It gets me harder than the crossword in the Herald.

But this weddin' band says we can never be.

I'm married to yer sister, Molly.

Any feelings I have for you ain't worth a hill of beans.

Got ye a tin of sweeties an a', Molly. Thanks.

Now, you look after yourself.

Here's one last freebie for ye, Tam.

TAM GROANS

# You're the lady you're the lady that I love

# I'm the lady, the lady who

# You're the lady you're the lady that I love... #

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ye happy noo?

Ye've seen it all.

What the hell's happened here?

The council telt me I was going to a new place, you know.

I thought they meant a new house.

Down at the beach. But...it wasnae. It was sheltered housing.

Full of deadbeats.

A wee red string tae pull in case ye've fell or shat yersel'.

I blew up at them.

Telt them to stick it up their arse.

Well, you obviously did the right thing there, eh?

Cos this is the Savoy.

I know what I've done. I've made a complete hoor of it.

See, my problem is...

I don't know when to admit I'm wrong.

I came doon here thinking that I could start all over again,

without anything, without anybody.

Just me. On ma tod.

But ye cannae.

Not at this age.

As shite as Craiglang is,

I miss it.

I need it.

I need the pub.

Navid's. I need...youse two.

What does it matter anyway, eh?

I've burnt ma boats.

Have ye got a suitcase?

I have, aye. How?

Well, get it bloody packed. Yer comin' hame wi' us. Aye.

Where am I gonnae stay? Jack's. Victor's.

Here, gimme a wee second, fellas.

Get it right round ye, Finport!

I'll take your case for you now, sir.

Thanks, son.

Is that us in Finport?

THEY ALL CHEER

Lager, please...

ya big lantern-jawed, bug-eyed, junkie-faced, bone-idle, dim-witted bastard, ye!

What?! I've been away six weeks!