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HE LAUGHS Aye! "So it's the tenth round and I'm going in for the kill. Eh? | 0:00:00 | 0:00:01 | |
Are you telling us who it is? Naw. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
You'll see in a minute. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:42 | |
It'll be a naebody. It's always a naebody. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
Who did we get last year? | 0:00:46 | 0:00:47 | |
It was that tit out of Big Brother. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
Big Arthur set about him cos he smashed the bottle and naebody knew who he was. That's right. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:54 | |
Then we had to apologise cause he was "The Celebrity". | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
Celebrity my hole. He was papped out of Big Brother after a week for being a creepy bastard. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:03 | |
What field of celebrity is this person fae? | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
Sport. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:07 | |
It's either Jocky Wilson or that ugly bastard, what do ye call him? | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
Duncan Goodhew? Naw. No baldy. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
Useless, stupid face, man. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Fatima Whitbread. Close. Skier! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
Eddie the Eagle. Aye, that's him. Get it up ye. I'm ootae here. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:23 | |
No, no. It's better than that. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
We're talking world class here. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
Michael Schumacher? Aye, that's right. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
He took the slip road fae Monte Carlo into Craiglang. Right, last clue. Boxer. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:39 | |
Boxer? | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
You better hope it's no Mike Tyson, Shug! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
With them bloody ears, he'll think Boabby's laid on a buffet! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
No, not Mike Tyson. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
Jim Watt. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Well done, Winston. How'd you get that? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
He's outside parkin' his motor. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
Ladies and Gentlemen... | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
Please welcome, light weight world champion, Mr Jim Watt! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:07 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
Hello, Jim. Nice to meet ye. We thought ye'd be an arsehole. You what? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:15 | |
Boabby always gets an arsehole for charity things, but you're not one. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
Thanks very much. A few of you look like you could lose a few pounds! | 0:02:18 | 0:02:23 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
These are passes for my gym over at Shawbank. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
It's never too late to start looking after yourselves! | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
ALL MUTTER AGREEMENT | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
So, where's this bottle? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:36 | |
Any chance of a quick photo? | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Aye, nae bother. Alec... | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Sorry, Michelle, love. I left a message on yer machine. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
I got Jim Watt. Right. Nae bother. SHE SIGHS | 0:02:52 | 0:02:57 | |
Aye, nice fella. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:01 | |
Aye, he wasnae in a hurry to rush off either. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
Stayed for a couple of drinks. Never bought a round but. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Miserable bastard. Aye, he's a miserable bastard. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
"Ooh, I'm the great Jim Watt, I've to get a drink for nothing!" | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
HE LAUGHS Aye! "So it's the tenth round and I'm going in for the kill. Eh? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
Aye, Large Vodka and Coke, smashing. THEY LAUGH | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
What's that? I don't know. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
Isa? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
Hello, boys. What's happening here? | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
It's gonnae be a pizza shop. Int it lovely? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
A pizza shop? In Craiglang? Aye. They've got one in the High Street. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
Their pizzas are smashin'. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
I remember, one night... That's plenty. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
That's quite encouraging. What do you make of that? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
I thought we'd seen the last of the takeaways when the Chinese fella left. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
HE LAUGHS He never left, Jack. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
He pumped Chaz Taylor's wife and got ran out of town. That's right! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
She was ordering Chinese food every night for aboot six months before he tippled. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
The weans were aw blew up like balloons! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
Ye ever had pizza? | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Naw, only that deep fried shite out the chippy with grease runnin' out. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
Aye, he's a shit monger. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
Deep fried haggis, black pudding and wee ratty bits of fish covered in batter. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:09 | |
Aye. Black chips... Ah well, this'll put the wind up him. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:14 | |
He's been getting away wi' murder for years. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
That's what you want, quality Italian food. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Any pizza on the go, son? No, not till tomorrow. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Chippy? Aye, chippy. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
Go, Spacehopper, go. Feel it! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
TV: Spacehopper and Velvet Spark neck and neck as they go towards | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
the finish and it's Velvet Spark by a head from Spacehopper in second... | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
Dear God. What have I got to do to get a win? | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Oooh, Spacehopper let you down? | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
Ach, well. Ye'll just have to bounce over to the post office, bounce back here and back another loser! | 0:04:49 | 0:04:55 | |
Ye b... | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Here, Winston! Be sure and come back mind! | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
There's a horse called Fat Twat running at 3:15! | 0:05:15 | 0:05:18 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
Hi. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:22 | |
There you go. Thanks. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
Hello! Boabby.. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
What? I'm Boabby. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
Right. I'm Stacey. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
Nice to meet you. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:42 | |
I'm Boabby. You're, er... Stacey. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:51 | |
I'm Boabby. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:53 | |
This is new.... Yep. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Right. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
I'll take a pizza. What size would you like? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Your biggest one. 18 inches? Yes. Excellent. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
That's a pretty big pizza. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
Not for me. I love pizza. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
I probably eat it... I dunno, once a week. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
What do you want on it? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
When it comes to pizza, I like it all... | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
Except onions... | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
Or mushrooms... | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
Or the bits of sausage you see. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:31 | |
I'm not mad for tomatoes. No a lot of cheese. Goes for me. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:36 | |
So what you're sayin' is, you don't like pizza? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
No, no really. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
I don't bother with them either. You've got to watch your weight. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
I'm into that, too. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
I go to the gym and work out. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
Big time. Oh, aye. Yeah. Never out of the old, erm...Shaw... | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
..Bank gym. That's the one I go to. | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
I haven't seen you there. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
I actually tore a ligament a couple of weeks back there. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:06 | |
It's better now. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
I'm gonna go back, eh... | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
When are you next...? | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
SHE LAUGHS Tomorrow night. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
Yeah? That's when I'm going back. Tomorrow night. I'll see you there. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:23 | |
Listen... | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
I've got the pub round the corner so if you're ever in for a drink... | 0:07:25 | 0:07:29 | |
I might do that. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
Yes, sir? Now, don't tell me they're keeping a beauty like you in here morning, noon and night. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:38 | |
No, I'm just days. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
Roberto works at night. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:41 | |
What can I get you? Lemme have the thin crust Romano Quattro Formaggio | 0:07:41 | 0:07:49 | |
with the tomato sliced extra thin, please, | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
and give the whole thing a light dusting of Parmesan. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:57 | |
There's a fella who knows what he wants. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
A Hawaiian. What's on a Hawaiian? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
# She lives on just coconuts and fish from the sea... # | 0:08:06 | 0:08:11 | |
Is it fish and coconuts? No. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Hawaii 5-0. 50 toppings? You wouldn't be able to lift that, Jack. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:20 | |
Yer way out. Ham and pineapple. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
Eurgh. Pineapple? | 0:08:23 | 0:08:24 | |
On a pizza? That's no right. Gies another one. Margarita. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:29 | |
Is that not a drink? Boabby, what's in a Margherita? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:34 | |
Erm...Tequila and lime. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
Oh, no. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:39 | |
A pizza that gets ye pished? No. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
Cheese and tomato. That's all it is. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
I wonder if they sell it by the slice - save ye buyin' a whole yin. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
Here we go. "Why not build your own?" Choose any topping you want. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
Boabby, what would you have on a pizza? I'd have the lassie that's in the shop on it. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
Nae cheese, nae tomato. Just tits. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
Very nice(!) Very David Niven. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
She's a cracker though. A faint heart never won fair maiden. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
I'm gonnie make a move. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Dressed like that? Who are you supposed to be? Rocky Arseano?! | 0:09:08 | 0:09:12 | |
No. Sugar Ray Loner. THEY LAUGH | 0:09:12 | 0:09:17 | |
Wank Bruno. Oh! APPLAUSE | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
Get it up yis. Eric, you're in charge. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:26 | |
I'll see yis later. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:27 | |
Hi, Stacey. Hi, Boabby. You just starting? | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
Just warming up, aye. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
Dunno where to start. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
Legs, arms. Stomach, maybe. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
Just gonnie...ease myself back into it. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
Who's looking after the pub? | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
One of my minions. You've got to delegate. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:05 | |
Come on, guys! I'm supposed to be in charge here! | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
You don't want to do too much when you've been out with an injury. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
You see, I believe... Arrrrrghhhh! | 0:10:15 | 0:10:20 | |
Wow. That was some lift. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
Aah, well. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
Light work out. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
Listen, are you hungry? Starving. I'm gonnie catch a bite to eat. You wanna join me? | 0:10:31 | 0:10:36 | |
That sounds great. I'm just about done here. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
See you later. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
Feel the burn, Boabby! | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
Feel the burn! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
So you've made your move, | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
and you've let that wee shite nip in front of you. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
I've no let him do anything. He just...beat me to it. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:05 | |
Yer a wanker, Boabby. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
How am I a wanker? | 0:11:07 | 0:11:08 | |
You should have had a word wi' Stevie. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
When we were your age and you had your eye on a lassie | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
as often as not, you wouldn't be the only one eying her up. So? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
You've got to eliminate the opposition. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
That clears the field and gets the respect of the lady. I don't get what your sayin'. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:26 | |
Take Stevie to one side and set aboot him. What?! | 0:11:26 | 0:11:32 | |
Aye, he took my pension off me yesterday, left me pratted. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
Let me do it for you, Boabby. I dreamt aboot gettin' that bastard a scheme bootin'. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
That's a great world youse live in, intit? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
Why don't I get a white horse, gallop past the pizza shop, snatch her up | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
and ride into the sunset, shooting likely suitors as I go? | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
Right guys. Finish up. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
Boabby, Stevie is a witless bastard. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
He's as funny as a fire in an orphanage. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:02 | |
If you want this lassie's attention, make her laugh. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
It's a well known fact that you can laugh a lassie into bed. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
Aye. Show her your tadger. She'll piss herself. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
Jack, please. I'm trying to help the boy. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
Winston's got a good point, Jack. Charlie Chaplin he was NEVER without a woman. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
What do you call the guy with the cigars? George Burns. George Burns, he was the same. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:26 | |
Jesus, even that ugly bastard, Bruce Forsyth, | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
bagged himself a Miss World for God's sake. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
I'm telling you, funny gets the fanny. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
What can I get you? You still serving? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
Aye, aye. Lager for me. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
What will you have, Stacey, darling? Hi, Boabby. Gin and tonic, please. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:50 | |
Excuse me a second, Stacey. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:53 | |
TOM CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
Here's another one. Another what? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
Another one of my jokes. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:09 | |
Oh, aye. You'll like this, hen. Boabby. What a laugh he is. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:14 | |
We were just saying, if you ever give up the pub game, you could be a stand up comedian, nae bother. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:20 | |
He's that good... On ye go. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
Right. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
This horse walks into a pub and the barman says, "Ho-ho". | 0:13:25 | 0:13:30 | |
He looks at the horse and says, | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
"What's with the face?" | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
Long face. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
What? Long face. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
He looks at the horse and he says, "Long Face." | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
"Your face is long." Oh, dear Christ. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
So, you and Stevie, eh? Me and Stevie?! Noo. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:04 | |
Well, you've been out together... He asked me. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
It was hardly a date. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Right. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:11 | |
Well, so it's no... | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
You're still... | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
Technically... | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
What is it you want to ask me, Boabby? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
Eh... | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
Do you want to go out... | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
with... wi' me? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
Sure. Brilliant! | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
That's that, then. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
Right. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:41 | |
Two nuns in a bath... Woah, Boabby! | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
This is magic. Aye. It's dead exciting. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
How long's that now? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
25 minutes. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
I cannae wait. Can you? No. I cannae wait, no. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
DOORBELL CHIMES | 0:15:03 | 0:15:04 | |
Oh! THEY LAUGH | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Hello. ?8.95. Winston! What's this? | 0:15:11 | 0:15:15 | |
Pizza. You ordered it. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
No, I mean what are you doin'? | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
Shuddup. It's a cushy wee number. Cash in hand at the end of the night. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:24 | |
You're ma first delivery. I laughed when I seen the address. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
That's a cracker, intit? A pizza delivery boy with a wooden leg. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
THEY LAUGH You get a scooter. Right Winston. ?8.95, you say. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:35 | |
There's nine. Keep the change. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
That's very good of you. I'll jump into Navid's and get a Caramel. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:42 | |
Winston, c'mere. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
Is there no an opportunity arisen here? Eh? | 0:15:43 | 0:15:48 | |
Can you not get us free pizza? | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
What? Pizzas must disappear all the time. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
Why don't you make one disappear up here now and again? | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
Aye. We're mates. That's smashing that, you want me to steal for you? | 0:15:56 | 0:16:01 | |
Well, not steal exactly. They must get cancellations. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
There's me in my new job, for good people. They've put me in a position of trust. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:09 | |
And I am trying to do that to the best of my ability. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
Just because we're mates you think you can take advantage? | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
Can we not at least talk about it? No! The conversation's closed. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
Winston! Here, have a slice of pizza. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:24 | |
I'm not hungry. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Bloody jobs worth! Arsehole! | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
You dirty greedy fat bastard! | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
Stevie. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Don't see you in here much. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Nah. Just killing time, really, till Stacey knocks off. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:48 | |
Then we go on our hot date. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
You think you're a smart ass? | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
Smart ass? | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
How am I a smart ass? | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
That wee stunt you pulled in the pub. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
I think you'll find Stacey's a free agent. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:03 | |
Aye, well I'm no beat. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
You've crossed the line, son. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
OK, bookie boy. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
Let's have a bet then, shall we? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
Me and Stacey go bowling at half seven. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:16 | |
A few drinks and dinner at nine. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
Back to mine at 11. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
Sooo I'll have 50 quid on, "I'll shag her," 11:30! | 0:17:20 | 0:17:26 | |
Don't kid yourself, Boabby. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
I've got my own business! A Mercedes! | 0:17:28 | 0:17:32 | |
You work in a pub that doesn't even belong to you. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
You work for the man. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
You're a deadbeat. It's nae contest. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
If anybody's gonna shag her, it's me. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
We'll see, will we? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:44 | |
Feel the burn, Stevie. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
Feel the burn! | 0:17:52 | 0:17:53 | |
What's on it? Spicy sausage, hot pepperoni | 0:17:56 | 0:18:02 | |
and jalapenos. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
What are jalapenos? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
I don't know. Wait a minute. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
What's jalapenos? | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
Oh, no. They'll burn the hole off us. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
Just mushroom and onion, thanks. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Jarvis, Floor 14. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
It's Osprey Heights. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
All right. Thanks, bye. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
That's a curious thing, that. Have you read the bottom of this? No. How? | 0:18:28 | 0:18:33 | |
"Our pizza pledge. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
"If you're pizza is not with you in 30 minutes, you will receive it absolutely free!" | 0:18:35 | 0:18:42 | |
Well, how long did he take to deliver it last time? 25 minutes. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Well, we're humped then, aren't we? Are we? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
If he'll not give it us for free, we'll have to take it. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
Oh, Winston. Isa. Oh, my God. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:06 | |
Did you hear what happened? No. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
Terrible. Navid's is burnt to the ground. Eh? Is everyone all right? | 0:19:09 | 0:19:13 | |
Aye. But the shop's gone. Totally gone. When did this happen? | 0:19:13 | 0:19:18 | |
This afternoon. Meena left a pot on and went out. It went on fire. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
Jesus! Then the fire brigade came. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
They said, it was the worst fire caused by a pot being left on, that they'd ever been at. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:31 | |
The worst of it is, that Navid lost his entire livelihood, | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
I'm out a job and Meena's lost... a good pot. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:42 | |
I cannae believe the shop's gone. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Well, you'll probably not notice any difference. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
Navid said he'll probably have it all tidied up and back to normal in the morning. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:54 | |
Back to normal after burning it to the ground? Absolutely. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
You'll never know it happened. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
I'll probably only be out a job till tomorrow. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Isa, what time is it? Three minutes to go. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
Did Jack and Victor send you down to delay me? | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
They said if you were late the pizza's free. What's in it for you? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Two slices. Out ma way. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
Nice try, arseholes. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
Enjoy yer pizza. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:29 | |
HE BREATHES OUT HEAVILY | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
You weren't in ma bookies today collecting your fifty quid | 0:20:51 | 0:20:56 | |
so I'm assuming nothing happened. HE ROARS | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
That's right...nothing happened! | 0:20:59 | 0:21:03 | |
Good. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
So here's what's gonnie happen. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
I'm gonnie be taking her out and I'm gonnie shag her. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
That's what's happening. Understood?! | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
Aww! | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
Right, ya couple of wankers, break it up! | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
I'm gonnie kill you! Come ahead! | 0:21:23 | 0:21:27 | |
Look, if youse two guys have got a problem, don't be rolling about in my gym like a couple of lassies. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:32 | |
Let's settle your differences like men. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
Come on. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
In here. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
When? Friday. I'll be there. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
I'll be there an' all. So will I... Good! Good! | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
Good. Now piss off! | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
Friday. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
30 seconds, Jack, then it's free pizza! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
I cannae wait to see his face! | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
Ya couple of pricks. Ye cannae beat me. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
Ye won't beat me. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
I'm the pizza man! | 0:22:12 | 0:22:13 | |
Thank you! | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
Enjoy yer pizza! | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
Gin and tonic, please. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
Is Boabby not here? No. He's up at the gym. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
Him and Stevie are having a boxing match over some lassie. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
What?! Aye. Everybody's doon there and I'm stuck in here. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
I'm gutted cause I'd have paid money to see they two arseholes knocking lumps ootae each other! | 0:22:42 | 0:22:48 | |
It's strange, innit? What's that? | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Not knowing who to cheer for. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
HE LAUGHS Aye. Cos they're both pricks. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
I'm gonna go for Boabby. Boabby! | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
Boabby's a wanker. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
Aye, but he's our wanker. Aye, well. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
Boys, I've got a wee book goin'. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Who have you got as favourite? Stevie. By a long shot. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
Tenner each on on Stevie. Stevie it is. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
Come on, Boabby, son, eye of the tiger! | 0:23:36 | 0:23:40 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:23:40 | 0:23:41 | |
Right, quiet everybody. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
Now, these two...fighters are gonnie battle it out | 0:23:46 | 0:23:51 | |
over three rounds to settle an argument to find out who gets to take out some lassie. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:57 | |
They're not professionals, as you'll soon realise, | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
and I tell you she must be some bit of stuff, | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
if these two fellas are willing to go toe to toe for her. She's got great tits! | 0:24:03 | 0:24:07 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
And after this fight they're gonna be my tits! | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
Are you boys sure you want to do this? | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Listen, Jim, if you'd seen this bit of gear you'd pull the gloves on an' all. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:23 | |
Don't take our word for it, Jim. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
There she's there. Look. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
Would you not walk over broken glass for a half hour with that? | 0:24:28 | 0:24:32 | |
Stacey?! Hello, Dad. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
My Stacey! | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
THEY GROAN | 0:24:42 | 0:24:43 | |
GROANING AND LAUGHTER | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
Everything's in place. Make the call. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
He's taken the bait, Jack. Excellent. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
VAN SCREECHES TO A STOP | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
Now! | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
AIR GUSHES OUT OF THE TYRE | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
Bastards! You all right there, Winston? | 0:26:25 | 0:26:29 | |
This is ridiculous! | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
I'll be back to get ye in five minutes, Joe! | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
He's mobile again, Jack. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:26:53 | 0:26:54 | |
Come on. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:58 | |
Come on! | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
Nearly there, Jack. THEY LAUGH | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
Did you stop him? Oh, I stopped him. You should have seen his face, that's him humped. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
Free pizza, twice as tasty as paid for pizza. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:17 | |
Seconds, Jack, Seconds! | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
THEY ROAR | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
?9.95! | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2007 | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
Email [email protected] | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
HE RINGS THE DOORBELL | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
Right, that's it. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
Oh here, Michelle, now. You've done really well losin' all the weight. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:13 | |
Don't fold now... | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
Shut it! I've just split up with my boyfriend. Gies them! | 0:28:15 | 0:28:20 | |
Wait a... | 0:28:20 | 0:28:21 | |
'Ere! What about the money? | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
Piss off! You were late! | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 |