Fly Fishing Still Game


Fly Fishing

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Come on. One of yous.

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Two weeks, eh? Three, tops.

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-For the last time, Winston, no!

-Come on!

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The place the council are putting me in is a toilet.

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I told them. I said, "I'm no' bothered about asbestos.

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"I used to have it in my pieces when I worked in the shipyards,"

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but the council are like that, "Naw, oot!"

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Too old for a flatmate, Winston. It's a non starter.

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I could tolerate you for...an hour.

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Oh, thanks.

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Victor's right, Winston.

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Let me paint you a picture.

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Me in my jammies eating a nice bowl of cornflakes.

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Yum-yum, munchy-munchy.

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You - "Oh, I'm just going to slip this leg off.

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"Let the air get round about my stinking stump."

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Me - "Bleurgh!"

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Cornflakes doon the nose and up the wall.

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It's a bad picture.

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And it's a picture we are not about to paint.

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Right! Who wants a drink?

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-Are you buying, like?

-No.

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Then why are you asking, does anybody want a drink, then?

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Because this is a bar...

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..no' a care home.

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That's a pity, Boabby,

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because I was toying with the idea of shiting myself

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and getting you to wipe my arsehole.

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Like a big, daft nurse!

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Are yous wanting a drink, or whit?

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If we want a drink, we'll pull the cord.

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Ting-ting!

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-Nurse!

-Oh, and could you

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pour the drink into my mouth for me,

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because I'm too feeble to lift the tumbler.

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Haud on, Nurse, I'm needing a pish!

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Oh, forget it. It's too late.

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Ordinarily, I might have sniggered at that patter,

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but then I look at my till.

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16 lousy quid, and I've been in here since the crack of dawn.

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It doesn't even cover the leccy on that puggie.

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BEEPING

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ALL LAUGH

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COINS JANGLE

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16 quid, tae! It's almost poetic.

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Even the puggie gods are taking the piss out of you, Boabby.

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-Hello, Navid.

-Oh! Isa.

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Is that you back frae the cash-and-carry?

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It is, aye.

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Do you want a hand emptying the van?

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-No, thank you.

-No.

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No, course you don't, eh?

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Something in there you don't want me to see?

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-No.

-Open it up, then.

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It's open. Have a look yourself.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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HE SIGHS

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DOOR CLOSES

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It's just full of sweeties, tea bags and bog rolls.

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Aye. I think I know what this is about.

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-How do you mean?

-It's about your birthday on Saturday, isn't it?

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Maybe.

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72.

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It's no biggie.

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-Do you know what I got for my 72th?

-What?

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"Hee" wrapped in "haw."

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But now you're wanting to find out if I'm throwing you

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-a surprise party.

-Naw.

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Naw!

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Aye! Are you?

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No.

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Isa, when was the last time you had a surprise party?

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Eh...

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I've never had one.

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Because you are impossible to surprise

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on account of your nosy-bastard-ness.

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Anybody who has ever tried has failed.

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You are chemically intolerant to surprise.

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You see, a surprise party brings pleasure

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to both the giver and the receiver.

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But you cannae have that.

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You have to know what is going on.

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It's a tragedy...

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..of Greek proportions.

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Naw. Haud on noo.

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I did have a surprise party.

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My 65th.

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You organised it!

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DOOR CLOSES

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KEYS CLATTER

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-ALL:

-Surprise!

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My, what a lovely surprise.

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Where's my drink?

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POPPER BANGS

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I cannae help myself.

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I weep for you, Isa.

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To live one's life without surprise...

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Maserati Quattroporte.

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3-litre, twin turbo, V6.

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Approaching from Kinellar Drive. Yeah.

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CAR ENGINE ROARS

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CAR DRAWS UP OUTSIDE

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CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Oh, Derek Fry.

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-You know him, like?

-Aye.

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Wanker.

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Went to school wi' him.

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Was it a school specifically for wankers?

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Wanker High?!

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Oh, he's coming in, Boabby.

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Aye, nae doubt.

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Every time he gets a new motor, he's just "passing by."

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Hello, Derek. Just passing, were you?

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Indeed, Roberto, my man. Just picking up my new wheels.

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-Hmm. Still got that place in the town?

-Aye.

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Big Fry'n'Macs. Hand over fist, Boabby. Mental.

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I see you're still in the funeral business.

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HE LAUGHS

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That's a good one, Derek.

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Aye.

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This place is actually doing no' bad.

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Boabby, I've been a wee bit unwell in my troosers.

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You might want to take a damp cloth to that stool, an' all.

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BLARING RINGTONE

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Hello? I'm in Craiglang. Just popped in to see an old pal.

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Hey?

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Aye, it's like a graveyard.

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The walking dead, aye.

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I'll sort that out on the way back to the shop.

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Just order another 200.

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Got to dash, Boabby. I'll see you soon.

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Who was that walloper?

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-Oh, he's a smart walloper.

-Huh! A smart walloper.

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Wee walloper wi' a shirt and tie on.

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Round his wee neck, wee blazer on it.

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"Look at me, I'm a smart wee walloper."

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What's so smart about him?

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He's got the Midas touch.

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Bought this manky old boozer in Finnieston, turned it round.

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Now he charges eight-and-a-hauf quid a burger,

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and all the West End wankers are queuing up to pay it.

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"Hoo-hoo! There's gold in them there West End wankers!"

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Eight-and-a-half quid for a burger?

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THEY LAUGH

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ENGINE RUNNING

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Derek! Mate!

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Could I hook up with you tomorrow and pick your brains?

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Ah! Eric. Just the very fella.

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-Naw!

-Oh, come on!

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-You wouldn't see an old pal homeless.

-I would, aye.

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You've seen my flat. There's no' enough room to swing a cat...

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..which you did one night pished. Wee mitten still isnae right.

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Their tongues aren't meant to stick out like that all the time.

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Aye. Sorry.

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So, there's nae room at the inn, then?

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That's right, Joseph. You'll need to find a stable somewhere else.

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Just this, Navid.

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Oh! "Happy birthday". Who could that be for?

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You! I tell you what. Do you know what to do?

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You take that card and you fill it out yourself.

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Put something nice in it, mind, cos I'm fresh out of nice.

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Oh, naw. Naw, wait and gie it to us on Saturday.

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What's happening on Saturday?

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Eh...what is happening on Saturday, eh?

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Hee-hee!

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# It's a wee mystery! #

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I'll be pullin' ma plug to the women's tennis on Saturday.

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You're more than welcome to join me, if you like.

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Hey! I tried to throw you a party.

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Right, as soon as she comes through that door,

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everybody, "Happy birthday, Isa."

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-Aye, happy birthday, Isa.

-Happy birthday, Isa.

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Happy birthday, Isa.

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-ISA:

-Happy birthday, Isa. Hee-hee-hee!

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Isa, you bastard. Put that light up.

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ALL MURMUR

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What's happened to you?

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State of the place.

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It's all changed.

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All changed to buggery.

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4.50. That's no' a pint.

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That's for a bottle or a wee, daft hauf.

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Tablecloths, and people I don't know!

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The food? The food?

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West End garbage.

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Roasted pine nuts.

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A thing they call rocket.

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Couscous, by Christ!

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Stop. Breathe. You're OK.

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Oot the road.

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Don't go in there.

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It's mad.

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I mean, what even is pulled pork?

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It sounds like a porno movie.

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What's wrong with a slice o' gammon?

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Nothing.

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That's what's wrong with it.

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Nothing!

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Oh, look who it is.

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And here we go.

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Jack and Victor.

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What can I get yous?

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Nae burn?

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Are yous here to pay your final respects to the Clansman?

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You're too late.

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GENTLE CONVERSATION

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Two pints of lager, Boabby, please.

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No, we don't do pints any more.

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Only bottles. A fine selection.

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There's a couple of menus. The specials are on the board.

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That's Thai lemon grass soup, aubergine frittata

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and roast duck and pilau rice.

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-BOTH:

-What?!

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-Nae pies?

-We dae a pie, aye.

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It's Edam and asparagus with rosemary.

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See that frottata...

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..and your aubergine...

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..and the soup with the grass in it,

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tell Rosemary to stick it right up her arse.

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Rosemary's no' the cook.

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It's a herb.

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Well, maybe you never herb us. Two pints!

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I've already telt you.

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We don't do pints any more.

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We do bottles of beer and nice food.

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We are trying to attract a better class of clientele.

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And yous aren't it.

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So we've to stand here like a couple of hairdressers,

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drinking bottled beer and eating manky pies?

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Right, sling your hook.

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-To where?

-I don't know.

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-Park Mill.

-Aye.

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Decades of patronage, huh, and this is what we get!

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-Swept oot the door!

-Highland Clearances.

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Turfed oot!

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Come on, boys, it was long overdue.

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Don't be like that.

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Take a couple of bottles of beer.

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Nae hard feelings, huh?

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Fine.

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Nine quid.

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-BOTH:

-What?!

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Nine quid?

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Nine quid, you robbing bastard.

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Do you get your hole included in the price, as well?

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Right, oot!

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You should be wearing a mask and a stripy jersey,

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you arsehole highwayman!

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Sorry.

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Ah, hello, Peggy. Flump?

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Who are you calling a flump?

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-No, I'm saying, "Do you want a flump?"

-Oh. Aye.

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They're horrible.

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No' very flumpy, are they?

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Aye, well, they wouldn't be.

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Three years they've been sitting there with the lid off them.

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I'm trying to free up the space.

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This is prime sweetie real estate. See this area here?

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In sweetie land, this is Mayfair.

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So, help us out, take them all.

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No, you're all right.

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Listen, you've no' got such a thing as party hats, have you?

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Party hats? Par... Aye, I do!

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So, who's having a party?

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Just a kids' party at the community centre.

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Boabby's lost the plot.

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End of days.

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Bar-mageddon.

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Winston, I heard about you have to be out your flat.

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-Hmm.

-I just wanted you to know

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there's always a place for you at mine.

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Really? Are you serious?

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35 quid a night.

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For that, you get your breakfast. Uncooked. Frosties, or some such.

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And, for a supplementary three quid, you'll get an electric blanket.

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As long as you pay part of the electric bill.

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Away you go, you rat bastard.

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So, it's came to this, eh?

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Well, beggars cannae be choosers.

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Listen, I'm not advocating a return to the Clansman.

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That ship has sailed.

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Are you sure about this place?

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Look, we're four seasoned men.

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We've seen our fair share of the rough stuff.

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How bad can it be, eh?

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We could always go in for one!

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DRILLING

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CHUCKLES Shug, you are the man!

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-You've done me a right turn here.

-Aye.

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20 years in the special services. Never leaves you.

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SWITCH CLICKS

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Och!

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-Nae power.

-Nae worries. I'll fix that.

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And I'll get a wee heater for you, and all.

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Eh? Magic!

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None of that!

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-Are you wanting busted?

-Eh?

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-Oh, aye! Aye.

-Soft feet from now on.

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Right.

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Well, soft foot, anyway.

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-This is very kind of you, Isa.

-You're more than welcome, boys.

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Feels like we're homeless, you know?

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-Turfed oot our own pub.

-Ach, well.

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You're always welcome here. More peas?

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Oh, aye. Aye. Lovely.

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There you are, Victor.

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You know me, I always make more than I need.

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Here, I was watching a film the other night,

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Medieval. Oh, smashing.

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The Queen was waiting for news,

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and the knight turned up on his horse and told her

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everything she needed to know.

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About what?

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Peggy McAlpine!

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So the knight in this medieval film was telling the Queen

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about Peggy McAlpine?

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Naw!

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I need to know about Peggy McAlpine.

0:15:280:15:31

She was in Navid's buying party hats and the like.

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Is this about your birthday?

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-Uh-huh.

-And whether or not anybody's going to throw you a surprise?

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Yes, indeed.

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Let me say this right now, Isa.

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As good as that steak pie was, it's no' happening.

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We've all tried before and we've all been found out.

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You'll remember when Eric was tasked with this,

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and you held his head underneath the boating pond until he coughed up

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the truth, and four baggy minnies, and also a used johnny bag.

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Of course I mind it.

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I went a wee bit over the top there, I'll grant you.

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It's not worth it to anybody.

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You know I don't dae surprises.

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So I'm gonnae ask yous... one more time...

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What's with the Stasi pish?

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This is a bridge too far.

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You've broken and entered into Boabby's flat.

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This isnae Boabby's flat.

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Naebody's lived in this flat for about 30 year.

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I see the last tenant was a bird.

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Stick a couple of totties and an onion round that,

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-you'd be sorted.

-Shut up.

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A couple of days. He's none the wiser.

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Then I'll be back in my ain hoose.

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Look at us, the lost boys with nowhere to go.

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I'm just glad to be away frae Isa's.

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That's what it must have been like in Guantanamo.

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That slap she gave me would have made Marvin Hagler weep.

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KNOCKING ON WINDOW

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Hey-ho.

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-What's the caper here?

-What's the matter with your face?

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Eh? Oh, we were just over at Isa's for some steak pie and a beating.

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Hey?

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She's convinced that one of us is throwing her a surprise party

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and she's on the warpath to find out about it.

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Either of you organised something?

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-BOTH: No!

-Good. Well, stay out her road, then.

0:17:380:17:41

Right, who's wanting a beer?

0:17:410:17:43

Aye.

0:17:430:17:44

-You all right, team?

-Shug!

0:17:460:17:48

I bring fire.

0:17:480:17:50

Have you ever noticed that a tin of beer is the ugly sister

0:17:540:17:58

to the pub-poured pint?

0:17:580:18:00

-Hmm. Or the optic-dispensed dram.

-Correct.

0:18:000:18:03

But my question is, why is that?

0:18:030:18:06

Oh, I can tell you why that is, aye.

0:18:060:18:08

See, the pub is the hub. I go in, and they're like,

0:18:080:18:11

"Hey, there, Jack. You're looking good, baby."

0:18:110:18:14

And I'm like, "Well, thanks," you know? You've got to make an effort.

0:18:140:18:17

"Hi, Des. How are you doing, Tony?"

0:18:170:18:18

-Who the hell's Des and Tony?

-Well, you'll need to roll with me on that.

0:18:180:18:22

What I'm saying is, the pub,

0:18:220:18:24

it's where it's at, man, you know what I mean?

0:18:240:18:26

It's like that comedy programme, Cheers -

0:18:260:18:29

the place where everybody knows your name...

0:18:290:18:31

..is Jack.

0:18:310:18:33

It's great to walk in and see all the old familiar faces.

0:18:330:18:37

Aye, and tap one of them for a 20.

0:18:370:18:39

Aye, you cannae beat a pint out the pub.

0:18:410:18:44

Boabby stitched us up.

0:18:440:18:46

He's took our only pleasure off us.

0:18:460:18:49

Ssh! Ssh!

0:18:490:18:51

The shutter is down.

0:18:550:18:56

Boabby has left the building.

0:19:010:19:03

Shug, let Operation Eskimo commence.

0:19:040:19:07

DRILLING

0:19:120:19:13

There, look.

0:19:210:19:23

Come on, Shug.

0:19:340:19:36

-That you got a bite?

-Aye.

0:19:360:19:37

And it's a whopper, Jack!

0:19:390:19:41

There it is, there it is!

0:19:430:19:45

THEY CHEER

0:19:450:19:46

You beauty!

0:19:460:19:48

LAUGHTER

0:19:480:19:49

Isa?

0:19:530:19:55

Yes, Navid?

0:19:550:19:56

Happy birthday.

0:19:560:19:58

Aw.

0:19:580:19:59

TRANSLATION:

0:19:590:20:00

You ate all the good ones, you greedy bastard!

0:20:000:20:03

Here, why don't you keep that and gie me it tonight?

0:20:030:20:05

-Tonight?

-Aye. At the party!

0:20:050:20:08

-Still with this?

-Get off that track, Isa.

0:20:080:20:11

There is a disappointment train coming head-on

0:20:110:20:13

in the opposite direction and it's no' slowing down.

0:20:130:20:16

Aye, well, very convincing performance, Navid.

0:20:160:20:19

You should be an actor on the telly.

0:20:190:20:22

Oh, there's Peggy McAlpine there.

0:20:230:20:26

Oh, and she's got a cake box. Oh, my.

0:20:260:20:29

Look at you, Isa. Now you're sweating.

0:20:290:20:32

I'm sweating cos I'm mopping.

0:20:320:20:34

What's Peggy McAlpine up tae?

0:20:380:20:40

I'm no' bothering what Peggy McAlpine's up tae.

0:20:400:20:44

See, it is you who's the great actor.

0:20:440:20:46

Right now, your mind is racing like Red Rum,

0:20:460:20:50

sweat running down the crack of your arse.

0:20:500:20:52

SHE TUTS, HE CHUCKLES

0:20:520:20:55

SCARY VOICE: What is the name on the cake?

0:20:570:21:01

DOOR BUZZER

0:21:030:21:05

Alec. Bernie.

0:21:120:21:14

Have yous been at this all night?

0:21:140:21:16

Aye. With a couple of hours' sleep.

0:21:160:21:19

Ew! Is that your scants there?

0:21:190:21:22

Aye. I only brought the one pair.

0:21:220:21:25

I took them through and rinsed them in the sink.

0:21:250:21:28

Oh, what the hell's this?

0:21:280:21:30

This is a second hole.

0:21:300:21:33

Oh, come on, you've no' dug a second hole?

0:21:330:21:36

Well, you know what it's like once you've fished a few halves -

0:21:360:21:38

you get...peckish.

0:21:380:21:40

Aye. A wee bit nibbly, you know?

0:21:400:21:43

See, under this hole is where the crisps are.

0:21:430:21:48

-Yous are taking a bloody liberty.

-He's the one taking the liberty.

0:21:480:21:52

Years we've been putting money into that bastard's till.

0:21:520:21:54

Aye.

0:21:540:21:56

And then bang, pfft, no longer welcome.

0:21:560:21:58

Right, what flavour of crisps do you want?

0:21:580:22:02

Where do you want the hats, Peggy?

0:22:050:22:07

Just put one beside every plate, Sandra, darling.

0:22:070:22:10

Right you are.

0:22:100:22:11

Oh, the cake!

0:22:110:22:13

CLATTER

0:22:150:22:17

Isa!

0:22:210:22:23

You need help, hen.

0:22:230:22:25

Do I?

0:22:250:22:26

Nice cake box.

0:22:260:22:27

Thanks.

0:22:270:22:29

-Can I see the cake?

-Naw.

0:22:290:22:31

-I need to see the cake.

-No, you don't!

0:22:310:22:33

I want to see that bastard cake!

0:22:330:22:35

I telt yae, naw! You're sick.

0:22:350:22:38

"Happy birthday...

0:22:400:22:42

"..Andrew"?

0:22:440:22:46

CHATTER

0:22:470:22:49

DOOR CLOSES

0:22:520:22:53

Hey, wake up!

0:23:010:23:03

Wake up.

0:23:030:23:04

He's about to go down the cellar.

0:23:040:23:06

This is our perfect opportunity.

0:23:060:23:08

Tam, take the line.

0:23:080:23:10

Come on, Tam.

0:23:110:23:13

No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this no' a bit risky here?

0:23:130:23:17

-SLURRED:

-Fishing's a sport.

0:23:170:23:18

It's too easy to dae it when the shop's shut.

0:23:180:23:21

Here, but imagine getting a catch when the gamekeeper's there, eh?

0:23:210:23:25

-This... This is what Hemingway would do.

-Hemingway.

0:23:250:23:29

Big game fishing.

0:23:300:23:32

-Big game fishing!

-Right, that's him down the cellar.

0:23:320:23:36

Right, come to Papa.

0:23:360:23:37

Tequila all right, aye?

0:23:370:23:39

No' tequila. Tequila makes you dae daft things.

0:23:390:23:42

That's fair enough.

0:23:420:23:44

Bacardi it is, then.

0:23:440:23:45

Ssh-ssh-ssh.

0:23:480:23:50

-Ssh-ssh...

-There you go. There you go.

0:23:500:23:52

-Come on, sweetheart.

-Come on.

0:23:520:23:54

That's him.

0:23:560:23:58

-Come on, come on.

-Easy. Easy.

0:24:050:24:07

-Shut up, shut up.

-He's got it!

0:24:070:24:10

Hey!

0:24:100:24:12

Right, get us one of them expensive cheesy-burgers that he does as well.

0:24:130:24:18

Get us a plate of them curly fries an' all.

0:24:180:24:21

-For a fiver!

-Five quid!

0:24:210:24:23

LAUGHTER

0:24:230:24:25

ISA SIGHS

0:24:250:24:27

I feel like such an idiot.

0:24:270:24:29

Och, don't beat yourself up.

0:24:290:24:31

Och, I know, but wee Andrew's face when he saw his destroyed cake.

0:24:310:24:35

Och, he'll survive. He's a spoilt wee bastard.

0:24:350:24:38

So what are you up to the night?

0:24:400:24:41

Well, Navid got me a box of chocolates.

0:24:410:24:44

I'll probably just go up the road,

0:24:440:24:46

watch some celebrity pish and wire into the lot.

0:24:460:24:50

Come on, Isa. I'll treat you to a wee sherry.

0:24:500:24:53

Oh? Aye.

0:24:530:24:54

HE SNORES

0:24:540:24:56

Here.

0:25:010:25:02

You know Boabby's got a bottle of malt down there?

0:25:040:25:07

It's his pride and joy.

0:25:070:25:09

-Aye, the McCrennan.

-McCrennan.

0:25:090:25:10

25 years old.

0:25:100:25:12

Mm-hm.

0:25:120:25:14

Unopened.

0:25:140:25:16

It was presented to him by the brewery at some fancy do.

0:25:160:25:20

Aye.

0:25:200:25:21

I've said to him tons of times, I've said,

0:25:210:25:23

"Boabby, when are you going to open that thing?"

0:25:230:25:26

You know what he says to me?

0:25:260:25:27

He says to me, "I'm saving it for a special occasion...

0:25:270:25:31

"..like the night you die."

0:25:310:25:33

THEY GROAN

0:25:330:25:34

He's always at that patter.

0:25:340:25:36

Here, I know.

0:25:370:25:39

Why don't we get that amber nectar fished out of that hole?

0:25:390:25:42

And then we'll get it scuttled, eh?

0:25:420:25:44

LAUGHTER

0:25:440:25:46

Back we go.

0:25:460:25:48

-Down we go.

-Watch he doesnae see. Ssh, quiet.

0:25:530:25:55

Be quiet. Boabby's there.

0:25:550:25:57

Oh, we've got it!

0:26:030:26:05

-CHEERING

-Oh!

0:26:050:26:07

ALL TALK AT ONCE

0:26:080:26:11

BOTTLE CLUNKS, BOABBY GROANS

0:26:260:26:28

What's going on, boys?

0:26:320:26:34

We think we've killed Boabby.

0:26:340:26:35

Eh?

0:26:350:26:37

Oh, my!

0:26:370:26:39

Boabby!

0:26:390:26:40

Boabby, son!

0:26:400:26:42

Isa...

0:26:420:26:44

You're early.

0:26:450:26:47

Happy birthday.

0:26:470:26:48

SURPRISED CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

0:26:480:26:51

Boabby, well done, son. How did you manage all this?

0:26:510:26:55

I was sorry about the covert operation,

0:26:550:26:57

but I had to keep yous in the dark, boys,

0:26:570:26:59

otherwise Isa would have got it out you.

0:26:590:27:02

So, what happened to the fancy-pants pub and the bottles of beer

0:27:020:27:06

and all the razzamatazz?

0:27:060:27:08

That was all bullshit.

0:27:080:27:10

I'd to keep yous lot oot here for a couple of days to set up.

0:27:100:27:13

Oh, Boabby, the bother you've went tae.

0:27:130:27:17

I hadn't the first idea.

0:27:170:27:19

Surprised?

0:27:190:27:21

Aye.

0:27:210:27:23

Ooh, you got me a belter!

0:27:230:27:26

CHEERING

0:27:260:27:29

# Happy birthday to you

0:27:290:27:32

# Happy birthday to you

0:27:320:27:35

# Happy birthday, dear Isa

0:27:350:27:39

# Happy birthday to you! #

0:27:390:27:45

HE GROANS AND SIGHS

0:27:490:27:50

Right, scants.

0:27:520:27:55

-That looks delicious, that.

-Oh, will you look at this spread here!

0:27:560:27:59

Pakora and prawns, sandwiches.

0:27:590:28:03

-Argh!

-THUD!

0:28:030:28:05

And you've got wee chipolatas tae!

0:28:050:28:09

Help!

0:28:090:28:10

Help!

0:28:100:28:12

Help...

0:28:120:28:13

Everybody's talking about you, Boabby.

0:28:410:28:44

You did the impossible.

0:28:440:28:46

You expertly displayed your prodigiousness.

0:28:460:28:49

Thanks.

0:28:490:28:50

And all it cost you was a tooth.

0:28:500:28:52

Aye, that and about ten bottles of spirits to the angling club.

0:28:520:28:57

Fly bastards.

0:28:570:28:59

Which dentist did you use?

0:28:590:29:00

Same guy you went to.

0:29:010:29:03

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