Grim Up North Still Game


Grim Up North

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This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:08

PHONE RINGS

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Iain Duncan Sheathing.

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Really?

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Thank you.

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Craiglang.

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CLOCK CHIMES

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Finally.

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Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

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Pickled onion - here we go.

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Oh...

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what's that wee noise you're making?

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"Pick me, Boabby! I'm Smoky Bacon!"

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Here.

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That's auld McCleary the undertaker planted the day, eh?

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-ALL:

-Oh, aye.

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JACK EXHALES

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-He buried a few.

-Aye, aye.

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Mind he buried Capper Flynn?

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Aye, the Scotland player.

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There was hundreds of people at that funeral.

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He made a wreath into the shape of a football.

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It was lovely, aye.

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-That's right.

-VICTOR LAUGHS

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That wee boy blootered it against the graveyard wall.

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That's right! Cos when it burst,

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it was like a spring day.

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Right, finish up, guys.

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-Aw, come on, Boabby. One mair round.

-Naw.

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You've had your time. Do your talkin' while you're walkin'.

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Or, in your case,

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do your mumbling while you're stumbling.

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Boabby, when was the last time we had a lock-in, eh?

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About eight months ago.

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Winston was full o' it and demanded a shot of tequila,

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then started doing the Macaroni.

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It's the Macarena.

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You spewed everywhere.

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It was definitely macaroni.

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Hadn't even chewed it all up, you greedy, fat bastard.

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Come on, Boabby. Shut the door and set us up another one, eh?

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A man's passed.

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Right.

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One, then oot.

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THEY CHEER

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TRANSLATION:

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I'm with a customer!

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And what can I do for you?

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SHOP BUZZER

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That's a shame about auld Mr McCleary buried.

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It's a queer thing when an undertaker passes.

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To think he's buried thousands of people in his life

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and then dies alone, in a simple grave

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wi' nae fanfare.

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TRANSLATION:

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What's she saying?

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She's saying it's a terrible business.

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Naw, she said something about Idi Amin.

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Naw, she said...the place is needing a clean.

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Right.

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Ach, well. He'll be missed.

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Who misses an undertaker?

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I'll miss him! He did a terrific service.

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I fully expected him to live long enough to plant me.

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And noo he's away,

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who's gonnae deal with Craiglang's dead?

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Who indeed, Isa?

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No-one will be able to die.

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Craiglang will become a village of the walking dead.

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Ancient zombies creepin' aboot shouting,

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"Please bury me!"

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No change there, then.

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-Ach, Navid.

-Oh, listen to yourself, Isa.

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You think when the baker dies, there's no bread?

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Or when the butcher dies, there's no chops?

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Or when...

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Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen dies, there's no decorating?

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The world keeps turning.

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TRANSLATION:

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Nearly got it. Give me a second.

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Harry Belafonte!

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BASTARD!

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Heid count.

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Where's Winston?

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He's in the toilet having a Donald...

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-Duck?

-..Trump.

-Oh.

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Right. Oot.

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-That's it.

-Boabby, gies a minute.

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Harry Belafonte?

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I mean, I am the Word Wheel king, here.

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-You are the Wagon Wheel king, my friend.

-Shut up!

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Right. Here's a good game.

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Who is the most famous person you've ever met?

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-And they can be dead or alive.

-Nice.

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OK, here's your wee starter.

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Myself and this good man here met Charlton Heston

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in this very city. How about that?

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What was Charlton Heston doing in Glesga?

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He was doing a cookery demonstration.

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In John Lewis's.

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Do yous no mean the baldy bastard chef Heston Blumenthal?

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THEY MUTTER

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That's who it was, aye.

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You couple of hauf-wits.

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THEY LAUGH

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Well, he is still famous, eh?

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Mary Berry?

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Whit? Where was this?

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BP garage.

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She was rattlin' intae a cauld Ginsters sausage roll.

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HE CHOMPS

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Peter Powers.

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-Who's Peter Powers?

-Hypnotist. Pavilion.

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Oh, right.

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So he's hypnotised you, told you you were a prick,

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and you've no' been able to snap oot it?

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THEY LAUGH

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Here, the game's a bogey.

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Here comes the ace card.

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I was in Henderson's a couple of years back, right?

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Good 20 minutes I'd been in the queue,

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and who comes through the door?

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Wan Direction.

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-THEY SCOFF

-I'm telling yous!

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All five of them jumped the queue.

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"We want beefy bakes

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"and bottles of Irn-Bru cos we're in Glasgow." I was like that,

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I telt them, "Listen, you, you talentless wee fannies!

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"If you get served before me,

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there's only wan direction you're going,

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"and it's oot that bastard windae!"

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Right. That's enough.

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The polis are gonnae be batterin' that door shortly.

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Oh, haud on, Boabby. Eric, how are you no pipin' up?

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-Och, I'm just enjoying listening.

-You're the oldest wan

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amongst us. You must have bumped into a few, eh?

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Gina Lollobrigida.

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You bumped into Gina Lollobrigida?

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Naw! I pumped intae Gina Lollobrigida.

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Oh! Eric wins.

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Met her, charmed her, pumped her.

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Away and don't talk a lot of shite, Eric.

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Eric, you bedded a movie star?

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Aye.

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Right.

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What's everybody wantin'?

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-Tequila!

-ALL:

-No.

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Right.

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Get it telt.

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Rome, summer.

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The year 1958.

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OWL HOOTS

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Well, aul' Eric, eh?

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Cuttin' aboot Rome, 1958,

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and there she is - Gina Lollobrigida.

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And he says, "Hello, I'm Eric. I'm a randy sailor.

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"Would you care for your hole, hen?"

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-"Hen"!

-THEY CHUCKLE

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Come on!

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"Would you care for your hole, Signorina, hen?"

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Oh, aye, aye. And she's like that...

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COD ITALIAN ACCENT: "Och, it's nae danger!

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"Just pull-a my scanties doon and fire right into me."

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-Pish.

-Aye.

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He's definitely losing the place. It's been going on for a while.

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Aye. He's always had that patter, though, in't he?

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He telt me he ran into Frank Sinatra in the Phoenix Bar in Dundee.

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That's right. And I met Sammy Davis Jr doon the Barras

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buying a Calor gas fire.

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Aye. He's a liar.

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He's cracking up at the rate of knots.

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This cold'll be the death...of...us.

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OWL HOOTS

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What's the matter with you?

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VICTOR MUTTERS

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JACK: Oh!

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Come on. Let's get away fae this Lee Van Cleef bastard.

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Aye.

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DID you see Sammy Davis buying a gas fire doon the Barras?

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Naw.

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WIND WHOOSHES

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SHOP BUZZER

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SHE PANTS Oh, my.

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-Oh, my!

-Oh, Jesus, Isa.

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What's the matter with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.

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Worse than that!

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-A junkie?

-Naw.

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Have you seen Winston wi' no clothes on?

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No!

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Sheathing, the undertaker.

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-Fae Park Mill?

-Aye.

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So what?

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He's taking over auld man McCleary's business.

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He's the new undertaker!

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Good.

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It's no' good, Navid!

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It's no' good at all!

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You've no' heard the stories.

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Right. Off you go.

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They say whoever he touches

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dies within seven days.

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-Hopefully, he'll come in here and touch Meena.

-HE LAUGHS

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TRANSLATION:

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You think I'm being stupid, don't you?

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No, Isa.

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See the village where I lived?

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There was great poverty and battles

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and sickness.

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No, this was before Govan,

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you halfwit! I'm talking about India. See, the problem was,

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the village couldn't prosper.

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People were too busy looking after the sick.

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So, as cruel as it seemed,

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they called for Cretanta.

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Cretanta?

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He was a doctor...of sorts.

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He would come on request,

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perform a chant,

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pass his hands over the stricken,

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and moments later...they were gone.

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Like a witch doctor?

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No, like a criminal.

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They found out later he was injecting the poor bastards

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with window cleaner.

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He was basically an Indian Dr Crippen.

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So what's your point, Navid?

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My point is, Isa,

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I just think that your story is a pile of fu...

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..kin' bollocks.

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Made-up pish.

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I'm telling ye! Last year, wee Connie Galbraith dies.

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She got into bother at the swimming

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and the nae-user lifeguard was oot havin' a smoke.

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By the time he got back, poor Connie

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had mair water in her than Loch Lomond.

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Droont! There was a huge enquiry.

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The boy's still working there,

0:10:040:10:06

but he's promised to stick to the vaping noo.

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Anyroad, I was at the funeral.

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What an affair that was.

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Oh! A right old-fashioned do, you know,

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and a huge amount of people.

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Anyway, there she was -

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top hat, cane, the lot.

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She even...

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What you doing, Winston?

0:10:270:10:29

-I'm looking for your point.

-THEY LAUGH

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That's what I'm telling ye!

0:10:310:10:33

He reaches oot his haun'...

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..and touches Raymond McCall on the shoulder,

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to gie him comfort, like.

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Well, Raymond was a fit man.

0:10:420:10:44

He never smoked, he never drank.

0:10:440:10:47

-He used to run the half-marathon, mind?

-And?

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Stone deid on the Wednesday.

0:10:500:10:53

Death has come to Craiglang.

0:10:540:10:57

-Wait a minute. How old was Raymond?

-Eh...

0:10:570:11:01

he'd a been about 56.

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Well, the life expectancy in Park Mill's about 29.

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That's a good innings for that shit-hole!

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THEY LAUGH

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Well, all I'm saying is,

0:11:100:11:12

you don't want Sheathing fingering ye.

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No' even after a few sherries?

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Oh!

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DOOR CREAKS

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WIND WHOOSHES

0:11:210:11:22

-BOABBY:

-Hello.

0:11:250:11:27

What can I get you?

0:11:270:11:29

Rum.

0:11:290:11:30

Dark Heart.

0:11:300:11:32

-Ice.

-Right.

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I'm the new funeral director here in Craiglang.

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Well...

0:11:410:11:43

..if you've come in here to tout your trade,

0:11:430:11:45

you've just hit the mother lode.

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You wheesh!

0:11:470:11:48

Anyway, just thought I'd pop in to introduce myself.

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Just, er, leave my card.

0:11:510:11:52

If ever, well...

0:11:540:11:55

..you know.

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ICE CUBES CLINK

0:11:580:12:00

COINS CLUNK

0:12:000:12:02

FRUIT MACHINE BEEPS

0:12:020:12:03

Any luck?

0:12:070:12:08

Aye! It's just aboot tae pay oot.

0:12:080:12:11

-I hope so.

-Oh, cheers.

0:12:110:12:13

Well...we'll be seeing you, then.

0:12:160:12:18

Oh, that's for certain.

0:12:190:12:21

-See you now.

-DOOR CREAKS

0:12:220:12:24

Creepy, lanky Addams Family bastard.

0:12:270:12:30

That's funny.

0:12:320:12:33

It was cold when he came in!

0:12:330:12:35

-Noo, it's all warm.

-Well...

0:12:350:12:37

..least he never touched any of us.

0:12:370:12:40

That's all I'm saying.

0:12:400:12:41

Right, wrap it, Isa.

0:12:410:12:42

Let's talk about something else, eh?

0:12:420:12:45

Aye.

0:12:450:12:46

Here, you'll love this, hen.

0:12:460:12:48

Eric, tell Isa your story about Gina Lollobrigida.

0:12:480:12:52

Eric.

0:12:530:12:54

Eric!

0:12:540:12:56

COINS CLATTER

0:12:560:12:58

Poor old Eric, eh?

0:13:040:13:05

He'll be sadly missed.

0:13:050:13:06

Aye. He will indeed.

0:13:060:13:09

-Tae Eric.

-Aye.

0:13:130:13:15

Dear auld friend.

0:13:170:13:18

Isa's at it full-tilt.

0:13:220:13:24

-At what?

-Och.

0:13:240:13:26

She's going roon' the whole of Craiglang

0:13:260:13:28

telling everyone that Sheathing undertaker fella's the Reaper.

0:13:280:13:30

She's got everybody shiting themselves.

0:13:300:13:32

It's a load of garbage.

0:13:320:13:34

Here, tell me this.

0:13:340:13:35

In a lifetime, on average - average, mind -

0:13:350:13:38

how many times do you think the heart beats?

0:13:380:13:40

Oof, I don't know. Must be up in the thousands.

0:13:400:13:42

JACK SNORTS

0:13:420:13:44

Thousands. Away you go, you hauf-wit.

0:13:440:13:45

No, it's 100,000 times a day.

0:13:450:13:48

Thousands?! That widnae gie you enough time to boil an egg.

0:13:480:13:50

You'd be dipping your wee soldier in there,

0:13:500:13:53

heart attack, that'd be you finished. Game over.

0:13:530:13:55

Goodnight, Vienna.

0:13:550:13:56

Naw, over the course of a lifetime, the heart will beat

0:13:560:13:59

two-and-a-half billion times.

0:13:590:14:01

Aye, well, I've rattled a few thousand

0:14:010:14:03

listening to this story, Jack. What's your point?

0:14:030:14:05

My point is, once you've had all your heartbeats, that's it.

0:14:050:14:08

Your time's up. And that is what happened to Eric.

0:14:080:14:11

Eric didnae die because he was touched by the hand of Death.

0:14:110:14:14

Aye. Reaper nonsense.

0:14:140:14:16

You cannae be walkin' aboot

0:14:160:14:18

waiting on somebody putting a bony finger on your shoulder

0:14:180:14:21

marking you oot for death. Eat what you want.

0:14:210:14:23

-Smoke all you like.

-Booze it up like an alkie.

0:14:230:14:25

It disnae matter. When your time's up, your time's up.

0:14:250:14:28

Aye, well said.

0:14:280:14:29

-Spot of lunch?

-Aye.

0:14:290:14:32

WHIRRING

0:14:330:14:35

What are you doing?

0:14:380:14:39

-I said, what are you doing?

-Two smoothies.

0:14:410:14:43

Kale, spinach, cucumber, and a raw egg.

0:14:430:14:48

-R-Raw?

-Just like Rocky.

0:14:480:14:50

To be safe.

0:14:500:14:52

T-To be safe, aye.

0:14:520:14:54

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT What is it you're calling it?

0:14:550:14:59

The Insurance.

0:14:590:15:01

The Insurance.

0:15:010:15:02

-That's...

-Yep.

0:15:100:15:11

Right.

0:15:110:15:12

Sheathing the Grim Reaper?

0:15:170:15:19

A load of pish.

0:15:190:15:21

Aye, Eric was due to go, eh?

0:15:210:15:23

The mind was...drifting.

0:15:230:15:25

85.

0:15:250:15:27

Aye. And then there was all the lies. Eh?

0:15:270:15:29

-HE SCOFFS

-Gina Lollobrigida.

0:15:290:15:32

-Be great if it was true, eh?

-Oh, aye.

0:15:320:15:34

Widnae be all that difficult to find oot. I mean,

0:15:340:15:37

what year did he say it happened?

0:15:370:15:39

Eh, summer...1958.

0:15:390:15:42

And what was the name of his ship?

0:15:420:15:44

That's easy - HMS Corunna.

0:15:440:15:45

Well, I'm gonnae get to the bottom of this. Let me make a few calls.

0:15:450:15:49

You make a few calls once we get to the bottom of these cans.

0:15:490:15:52

-To Eric.

-To Eric.

0:15:560:15:58

Do you no'...fancy a wee go on the fruit machine? Hm?

0:16:040:16:07

No.

0:16:070:16:08

I've not got any change.

0:16:100:16:12

Tam!

0:16:150:16:18

Hi, Boabby.

0:16:190:16:20

You love the puggie.

0:16:220:16:24

-WHISPERS:

-Play the puggie.

0:16:250:16:27

Nah.

0:16:270:16:28

Just got a fresh pint there.

0:16:280:16:30

Does naebody in here want to play that puggie?

0:16:390:16:41

-No, I'm OK.

-THEY MURMUR

0:16:410:16:43

Look, I'm as sorry about Eric as you lot.

0:16:430:16:46

But I am trying to run a business here,

0:16:460:16:49

and what the shit's this?!

0:16:490:16:51

THEY MUTTER IN PROTEST

0:16:520:16:54

It's a pub! It's no' Lady Diana's bastarding grave!

0:16:560:17:00

Boabby's no' to blame here, everybody.

0:17:020:17:04

It's that undertaker, Sheathing.

0:17:040:17:06

-Oh, Isa, gie it a rest.

-Don't start all that pish again, Isa. It's nae use.

0:17:060:17:09

BELL RINGS

0:17:090:17:11

I know you're all upset about your good friend Eric passing...

0:17:110:17:14

..but Isa's fear might not be unwarranted.

0:17:150:17:18

I have mates in Park Mill that used to hurry by his funeral shop.

0:17:180:17:22

But hear this -

0:17:220:17:24

there have been loads of depictions of Death -

0:17:240:17:27

the Norse Valkyries, Thanatos - that's Greek.

0:17:270:17:30

But one of the biggest icons is the Grim Reaper.

0:17:300:17:34

The Black Death pandemic, right?

0:17:340:17:36

14th century, 20 million deid.

0:17:360:17:38

A fear of death spread throughout society.

0:17:380:17:41

Is it any wonder that a town full of pensioners

0:17:410:17:43

in the twilight of their years should fear such a figure?

0:17:430:17:46

How we are gonnae get rid of him?

0:17:480:17:50

You don't need to get rid of him.

0:17:500:17:52

He disnae exist.

0:17:520:17:54

Sheathing's just flesh and blood -

0:17:540:17:57

like you and me.

0:17:570:17:59

DOOR CREAKS

0:17:590:18:00

WIND WHOOSHES

0:18:000:18:01

Mr Sheathing.

0:18:030:18:05

Rum.

0:18:050:18:06

Dark Heart.

0:18:060:18:08

MACHINE BEEPS ERRATICALLY

0:18:210:18:23

Looks like your fruit machine's deid.

0:18:240:18:27

Anyway, the reason I came in is...

0:18:290:18:30

One touch on the shoulder.

0:18:350:18:37

Seconds later, Eric was away.

0:18:370:18:39

Taken!

0:18:390:18:41

-A lot of Bram Stoker pish.

-I'm telling ye!

0:18:410:18:43

If he tried to touch me,

0:18:430:18:45

I'd take one of these size 10s, I'd part his Reaper baws

0:18:450:18:47

and I'd say tae him, "You feeling grim noo?"

0:18:470:18:49

SHE SCOFFS

0:18:490:18:50

-Mrs Drennan!

-SWING CREAKS

0:18:500:18:53

Can I have a word?

0:18:530:18:55

Don't let him touch me! It's no' my time!

0:18:550:18:57

Take her! She's got high blood pressure!

0:18:570:18:59

HE MUTTERS

0:19:080:19:09

SHE PANTS

0:19:100:19:11

Oh! Oh...

0:19:130:19:15

-Oh, Boabby! Boabby, help me!

-Whit?

0:19:330:19:37

Oh, Boabby! Oh, Boabby, for God's sake, help me!

0:19:370:19:40

Boabby, he's coming for me!

0:19:400:19:41

-The Reaper's coming!

-Mrs Drennan.

0:19:410:19:43

Oh, Boabby, don't let him touch me, son!

0:19:430:19:46

Right, that's enough, ye daft old bun.

0:19:460:19:48

You know what this is aboot, don't you?

0:19:480:19:51

People roon' here have got a mad notion

0:19:510:19:53

that you're the Grim Reaper.

0:19:530:19:55

-Wan touch and you're deid.

-No, no, no.

0:19:550:19:57

All I'm after is...

0:19:570:19:58

Isa, look at this.

0:19:580:20:01

HE IMITATES EERIE MOANING

0:20:070:20:09

That's me deid noo.

0:20:100:20:12

-Oh...

-HE HITS THE GROUND

0:20:150:20:17

SHE WHIMPERS

0:20:170:20:18

Oh, my!

0:20:180:20:19

Open, ya bas.

0:20:250:20:26

Jack!

0:20:260:20:28

Oh, Victor!

0:20:280:20:30

Victor! Something terrible's happened!

0:20:300:20:33

Open your door!

0:20:330:20:34

Isa, for God's sake. Look at the state of you, woman.

0:20:340:20:37

What's the matter?

0:20:370:20:38

-Death is nigh.

-What's the matter? Boabby's deid!

0:20:380:20:41

-Whit?!

-Aye!

0:20:410:20:43

Sheathing touched him.

0:20:430:20:44

-Death is nigh.

-What do you mean, he touched him?

0:20:440:20:47

Boabby got the undertaker to rub him,

0:20:470:20:50

and doon he went!

0:20:500:20:52

He rubbed him and went doon on him?

0:20:520:20:55

Naw, ya hauf-wit!

0:20:550:20:57

Boabby collapsed! He's deid!

0:20:570:21:00

-Death is nigh!

-What the hell is it

0:21:000:21:02

you're babbling aboot?

0:21:020:21:03

It's an anagram of Sheathing's name!

0:21:030:21:06

Look - "Death is nigh."

0:21:060:21:08

-Oh, for f...

-LIFT BELL DINGS

0:21:080:21:10

DOORS SLAM

0:21:150:21:16

PHONE RINGS

0:21:380:21:39

-Hello?

-He's at your door.

0:21:440:21:46

SLOW KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:21:480:21:50

SLOW KNOCKING

0:21:560:21:58

Eh...

0:21:590:22:00

Sorry! I can't come to the door at the moment!

0:22:000:22:03

I'm tending to my...cat.

0:22:030:22:06

It's got a sore paw.

0:22:060:22:08

Jack's in, but...

0:22:100:22:12

..and he's not got any animals to attend tae!

0:22:130:22:15

Bastard!

0:22:150:22:17

What have you done that for,

0:22:170:22:19

you back-stabbing, throw-me-under-the-bus, big, lanky bastard, ye?!

0:22:190:22:22

I'm sorry, Jack. I panicked and I shat it.

0:22:220:22:25

That's him come for you noo.

0:22:300:22:32

Open it and see what he wants.

0:22:320:22:33

SLOW KNOCKING

0:22:330:22:35

Aye, watch me.

0:22:350:22:36

PHONE RINGS

0:22:390:22:40

Mr Jarvis, can I have a word?

0:22:440:22:45

You can have two! Piss off.

0:22:450:22:47

Will you open the door, please?

0:22:480:22:50

So you can touch me up and kill me? Naw!

0:22:500:22:53

Mr Sheathing, come away in.

0:22:540:22:57

Isa, darlin'! No! You've still got a couple of good years left in you!

0:22:570:23:01

DOOR BANGS SHUT

0:23:010:23:03

Right.

0:23:070:23:08

Time to staun' up and be counted.

0:23:080:23:10

All right. Chap the door.

0:23:190:23:22

How have I to chap the door? That would mean I've summoned him.

0:23:220:23:24

Hm. Right, we'll chap at the same time, right?

0:23:240:23:27

One, two, three.

0:23:270:23:30

-You bastard!

-JACK LAUGHS

0:23:300:23:32

Noo you know what it feels like to be underneath the bus.

0:23:320:23:34

What is that?

0:23:380:23:40

Garlic paste.

0:23:400:23:41

Didn't have any bulbs.

0:23:410:23:43

What is it you're gonnae dae, baste him?

0:23:430:23:45

LOCK CLICKS

0:23:450:23:46

Relax, boys. It's fine.

0:23:480:23:50

-Come in.

-SHE LAUGHS

0:23:500:23:52

Say hello.

0:23:540:23:56

Say hello.

0:23:590:24:00

-BOTH:

-Hello.

0:24:000:24:02

-Hello.

-Boabby phoned.

0:24:020:24:04

He fainted and bumped his heid. He's all right.

0:24:040:24:07

Well, we're glad to hear that.

0:24:070:24:08

But what's big Lurch doing going round all the doors?

0:24:080:24:11

Well, I apologise for the lateness of the hour,

0:24:110:24:13

but I was getting desperate.

0:24:130:24:15

I was trying to get hold of all yous so you could tell me about Eric.

0:24:150:24:17

The man had no family - I was going to do his eulogy,

0:24:170:24:20

but every time I approached you, you scarpered.

0:24:200:24:23

Aye, well, maybe you could talk in your eulogy about

0:24:230:24:25

how you killed him!

0:24:250:24:27

He was 85.

0:24:280:24:30

-The man had a bad heart.

-He's no' the Reaper.

0:24:300:24:33

He's a bit creepy, but he's no' Death.

0:24:330:24:37

Thanks, Isa.

0:24:380:24:40

Er, eulogy?

0:24:400:24:42

Well, he was a good footballer.

0:24:420:24:45

He was in the Navy. And the Fire Service.

0:24:450:24:48

He was a brave man, Eric, you know.

0:24:520:24:53

There was a big fire in a department store in Glasgow, this is going way back...

0:24:530:24:57

It is in death that we know life.

0:24:580:25:01

It is in the weaving that we know love.

0:25:010:25:04

It is in the evening of our days that we truly see the gentle...

0:25:040:25:07

Bit of bad news.

0:25:070:25:09

Aye! Eric's deid!

0:25:090:25:12

Of course it's bad news!

0:25:120:25:14

It would be worse if the lid opened and he walked oot.

0:25:140:25:16

No, listen, it's about that Gina Lollobrigida thing.

0:25:160:25:18

Aye? What about it?

0:25:180:25:20

Well, I'm sad to announce it was bollocks.

0:25:200:25:23

The auld bugger made it all up.

0:25:230:25:25

She was in Rome in 1958, and so was he,

0:25:260:25:29

but they missed each other by about three weeks.

0:25:290:25:32

The HMS Corunna was docked in Rosyth.

0:25:320:25:36

Game's a bogey.

0:25:360:25:38

Aw, shit.

0:25:380:25:40

..and was blessed indeed with many friends

0:25:420:25:44

and a great and solid community round about him.

0:25:440:25:48

And although he was a single man,

0:25:480:25:50

he knew the love of a woman.

0:25:500:25:53

I wasn't sure whether to mention this,

0:25:540:25:56

but in my capacity as the undertaker here in Craiglang,

0:25:560:26:00

it is my duty to prepare the deceased for the afterlife.

0:26:000:26:03

And it was then that we discovered

0:26:040:26:07

a letter in Eric's breast pocket

0:26:070:26:10

which I think you might find interesting.

0:26:100:26:12

"My darling Eric.

0:26:140:26:15

"It was wonderful for us to meet and have those few nights together.

0:26:150:26:19

"You are my sweetheart - a true stallion.

0:26:190:26:23

THEY CHUCKLE AND MURMUR

0:26:230:26:24

"I shall never forget us sitting on the beach

0:26:260:26:28

"with our toes in the water,

0:26:280:26:30

"your ship waiting to take you away in the distance."

0:26:300:26:35

SHE SNIFFS

0:26:350:26:36

"Oh, how I wish our lives could be different

0:26:360:26:39

"and for us to be together.

0:26:390:26:41

"I will always love you.

0:26:410:26:44

"Gina."

0:26:440:26:46

-ALL:

-Gina?

0:26:460:26:47

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:27:020:27:03

-Hello?

-Hello!

0:27:030:27:05

-Lovely service.

-Aye, it was indeed.

0:27:050:27:08

Very moving.

0:27:080:27:09

Did you know Eric?

0:27:100:27:11

I knew Eric, all right.

0:27:130:27:15

That was my letter.

0:27:150:27:16

Gina.

0:27:180:27:19

I had an ice cream cafe in North Queensferry

0:27:190:27:21

and Eric's boat docked there one summer.

0:27:210:27:24

-In Rosyth.

-Yes.

0:27:240:27:25

We'd a bit of a fling, you might call it.

0:27:250:27:29

Your cafe...it was underneath the Forth Road Bridge?

0:27:300:27:34

That's right. They built it that summer. 1958.

0:27:340:27:39

-Eric made up a name for me.

-Which was?

0:27:390:27:41

-Gina's Lollies Forth Road...

-BOTH:

-..Bridgida.

0:27:410:27:45

Christ.

0:27:460:27:47

JACK: What a boy, eh?

0:27:490:27:50

-VICTOR LAUGHS

-A stallion, she called him.

0:27:500:27:52

What a hero.

0:27:520:27:54

-Oh, Winston.

-Jack, Victor.

0:27:540:27:57

And, eh...this is?

0:27:570:27:59

This is Agnes.

0:28:010:28:02

-Oh! BOTH:

-Hello, Agnes.

0:28:040:28:06

Ooh...

0:28:450:28:46

What a week.

0:28:470:28:49

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