Episode 6 Still Open All Hours

Hey, put that one in the front where it can be seen.

You need your glasses? It's bruised.

It's bruised, I know it's bruised, you know it's bruised,

and soon Mrs Thing will know it's bruised. It's a Mrs Thing trap.

Mm, she's got a bigger trap than you.

I'm fed up with her coming in, poking and prodding

and I never get her in the shop...

but today she is mine.

Eh, up.

Oh, dear. Mm, oh.

I'm just looking.

Oh, carry on.

Are these fresh?

Oh, yes, any fresher and they'd be insulting.

This one's bruised.

Oh, congratulations.

You see, by spotting that, you've just won my discerning customer award

which means that you can purchase a pack of yoghurt for less than cost.

This young man here, he worries about me

practically giving stuff away, and I say to him,

I say, "Leroy, don't you worry about the loss,

"think of it more as... a community service."

There you are. Up you go.

How can you claim that it's less than cost?

Well, it's bound to be less than the cost of something, ain't it?

BARKING

Hey!

Hey!

Explain to me why you bought this load of old damaged tins?

Grocer's intuition, Leroy.

Little voice in my ear went, "Hey, hey, eh, up, they're cheap."

You'll never sell them in this condition

and I am not eating them for the next six months.

Oh, have a little faith, Leroy.

I'm out of bread.

What have you got from yesterday that's not stale?

Oh, I've got a nice brown cob.

Oh, I'll take that.

There we are.

It's a bit flat.

It's not a musical instrument.

Shouldn't it be, you know, more puffed up?

You want puffed up?

All right, all right.

I'll see what I've got out the back, all right?

I bet you think I'm a fussy old woman.

The woman bit never crossed my mind.

Sometimes you have to make a stand.

-Have you got any...?

-BARKING

I think the dog prefers Tesco's.

How long are you going to be...?

It's another little te-he-he-tip I owe you for.

Ha ha.

You happy now?

You see, you're feeling monkey at me now because of this bread.

You could have sold me that stale one if I hadn't have been too sharp.

I know when I'm beaten.

No hard feelings, eh?

I like a good loser.

What have you got for a wife in a paddy?

You haven't upset her already, have you?

She brought this one with her to bed last night.

Eh up, Eric, you're up and about early, ain't you?

Nicer outside. Weather's terrible indoors.

You and all?

You say one wrong word.

Mine kicks off before you can even speak.

You should speak first and don't stop.

Don't give them any pauses, pauses are fatal.

Anyway, what was this wrong word?

Bridlington.

What's wrong with Bridlington?

She shook me awake and she said,

"I want you to surprise me and spoil me

"and take me somewhere for a magical new experience,"

and all I said was...

ALL: Bridlington.

Arkwright's. This is where she let herself be ripped off,

buying something he said was called "yaggis".

Can't she see it was just salami?

Silly woman.

He's looking increasingly like your typical weirdo, just sitting there.

I don't recognise the car. I'll see him off in a minute.

Can you do that? Without your pole and away from your crossing?

I don't see why not. He's away from wherever he belongs.

Simple plain salami, how dim can she be?

Not dim enough to come and complain personally, no,

she has to send me. "Go and sort him out," she says,

"get the money back, get an apology."

Yaggis! Jordan, you married a dimwit,

and now I have to go and punish this guy.

GASTRIC YELLS

Oh, begger, that sucks, good start.

Let's hope there were no witnesses...

We saw that.

Saw you fling that door at him.

Saw you sitting there waiting for him.

Are you still unconscious, Gastric?

Thank you for asking.

I were wondering if anybody cared.

HE GROANS

48 battered tins of beans in chilli sauce to get rid of.

Stay calm, Leroy. We have the technology.

Hello, Mavis.

Hello, Granville.

Oh! Oh, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, sorry.

Got to go and see to my fairy cakes.

Nah, it's good to see you, Mavis.

You too, Leroy.

Where is she from whom there is no mercy?

She's doing Kath's hair. Walnuts.

Sorry?

It's what I came in for, walnuts.

-Ah.

-I thought I'd better get it in quick before I forget,

you know what I'm like.

And there was something else, but that's gone.

It'll come back to you, and if it doesn't,

I will.

As long as you leave the window open just a fraction.

No wonder I forget things, you make me blush.

There is a cure.

All you have to do is to close your eyes,

say the magic word and when you open them,

you're in this fairy-tale bedroom.

Leroy says his and your bedrooms are full of boxes.

Well, that's all right, I'll get rid of all of my boxes into Leroy's room

and then I'll get some nice soft lighting

and an alarm clock

with a snooze button

and some silk pyjamas.

That's been knocked about a bit.

It won't notice in silk pyjamas.

Oh, you mean the tin?

Yes, yes. Well, it's been in some rough hands.

Oh, I know the feeling.

Listen, talking about that.

You know, when I look into your eyes,

I see these great legs.

-Have you got any...?

-No!

You've lost a customer!

Don't just stay there seducing me, go and get him back!

Oh... Oh, all right.

Oh... Ooh.

Oh, this is a tough one, this!

Go!

Go, all right, yes.

Balance seems all right. Is your head ringing, Gastric?

If it is don't answer it, it'll be full of tripe.

It's a good job you're built for punishment, Gastric,

and you're not some jessie.

Oh, I can't see any blood...

No thanks to you.

He looks unscratched to me.

You must be a very aggressive personality,

thrusting your door in other people's faces.

I'm a pussycat.

You want neutering then.

It's a good job for you it's only Gastric

and not somebody we really care about.

Thank you, Mrs Featherstone.

No offence, Gastric. We came to your rescue,

we did everything you could

reasonably expect from a casual acquaintance.

We've got your number, Mister, in case he has a relapse later.

Bring your bike, you'd better wheel it for a while.

What would your mother think?

She's dead.

Well, that should've made her opinion clear enough.

That's a bit of strenuous grocering. What you doing?

Yes, I'm just dressing this tin.

Dressing it?

-Mm.

-You made a bog of it!

If I told you this effect was precisely planned...

-Do you mean you did it deliberately?

-Yes.

That was you banging this tin?

Mm, and now I put it to one side,

that's for tonight's supper, me and Leroy's.

Ah, I'm glad you're not trying to sell it.

Oh! Oh, no, no, no. I wouldn't waste this on people with low self cuisine.

Oh, sorry, what is it I could get you, this?

Er, aye, yeah.

Right, there we go, that's just about right, thank you.

How do you mean dressing it?

Well, by putting the insertions in.

Dents, you mean?

Well, no, from the outside, they do look like dents, don't they?

But from the inside they're insertions.

Insertions into the contents.

You know, authoritative people do say that it doubles the flavour.

Give over, you do tell me some flannel.

Oh, you're right, I mean,

I don't think it doubles the flavour necessarily,

but it certainly gives the contents a boost.

Oh, yeah, mm.

I shouldn't be telling you this

because it's the best kept secret in the grocery trade.

-How can...

-Impact.

You see, it's all to do with its, like,

you know, molecular structure,

but I don't want to get into quantum physics with you.

So they take you on holiday and if it's fine they want you to sit

in a deck chair, and if it's wet they want you to sit in a pub.

Mm, been there, done that.

So you say, let's do something,

so they offer you the choice of miniature golf or going fishing.

All of a sudden, the deck chair looks better.

We never went on holiday, he used to go by himself,

he said I wouldn't enjoy it.

You were stupid with him.

According to him, I was stupid without him.

No, you weren't. You just had low self esteem.

Oh, ha! That's another thing, husbands have all the qualifications

to have low self esteem, so how come they don't have any?

He had self esteem enough for both of us.

Well, they do, they sit around all day but you're supposed

to recognise that underneath they're still this dynamic, athletic figure.

Not easy when you're ironing their underwear.

Well, I've told Eric, he's on notice.

We're not going anywhere till he wakes his ideas up.

Best kept secret of the grocery trade.

I thought that was food poisoning.

He's asked me to keep it quiet.

I'm not supposed to be flashing this about.

He dressed this one for me as a favour.

So explain to me how...

It's a molecular thing, let's not get into quantum physics, eh?

Well, fine by me.

It doubles the flavour. It's worth a try.

I've got one at home that could do with her flavour improving.

Me too, a few years under your belt

and they think that you've lost all your fizz and sparkle.

Has he got any more?

It's supposed to be a trade secret.

Hey, I'm tight-lipped.

I'm a sphinx. Ask the wife.

she's always looking at me and demanding, "Well, say something."

Look, I'm supposed to be delivering.

If you'd stop struggling, I am delivering.

You're getting married soon.

I know, I can't wait.

Oh, I've forgotten what the next address is now.

-Am I disturbing you?

-Yes.

-Good.

-It's not good.

Oh, come on, it's not bad.

Yeah.

Men, and I say this from several unfortunate experiences,

are peculiar.

Well, they look peculiar from some

of the angles a nurse has to get used to.

Oh, I couldn't be doing with angles like that.

For me, they have to be in suit and tie.

Even in bed?

Well, if you buy them the right pyjamas,

there's almost as much material.

There's a measure of safety in thick flannelette.

You're wary of men, yet you married three times.

That's like banging your head repeatedly.

I suppose I must be a romantic.

They look so attractive in that moment that you first see

that they're easily led.

Speaking of which, how is Mr Newbold?

No sign of him yet coming in number four,

but I'll bring him round.

I'll show him my softer Delphine.

That we'd all like to see.

It's like learning Hitler was a dress designer.

Oh, it's there, just needs the right man to bring it out.

I wasn't called Pixie for nothing.

Pixie?! Who called you Pixie?

My second husband, the one who was knocked down by a bus.

Not surprised if he couldn't see better than that.

I remember him heavily bandaged in hospital.

He saw me coming and through his pain he said...

"Pixie."

Doctor claimed what he said was "pig sick."

But she disliked me

because I'd queried his urine sample.

I ran into Cyril, he tried to hide it

but I could see this battered tin.

Yes, in the trade we call it a dressed tin.

Oh, and then I ran into Eric and I saw his...dressed tin.

-But I could see that he didn't want to talk about it either.

-Oh.

Which always makes you curious.

And you don't like asking but I made an exception.

Well, I see that you've got me over a barrel,

I suppose I could always, I could always dress another tin.

Yes, yes, yeah.

What about beans in chilli sauce?

Oh, lovely!

Right, OK, let's have a look at this one then. Mm.

Oh yes, this looks like it needs the Mittelhauser procedure.

Mittelhauser?

Oh, yes, yes. Carl Adelbert Mittelhauser, yes.

Very famous tin dresser.

He was tin dresser to Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria.

He used to dress all his tins, you know?

Yes. Got a medal for it, and a pension.

He helped him marry his childhood sweetheart.

Ah.

Yeah, just in time.

Oh.

Yeah. Right, OK, let's see now.

I think this one needs the Mittelhauser transverse opening blow,

which I'm about to execute as we speak, all right.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh!

-There you are, that should do it, yes.

-Oh.

-Put it in your bag, yes.

-Oh, oh, thank you, Granville.

Yes, shh, don't let anybody see it.

-No, I won't.

-All right, yes. Shh!

Oh, look, it's the smiley twins.

If you're looking for assisted dying, it's that way up the road.

-We're having a problem with our image.

-Oh?

There's been some loss of respect.

Which is totally undeserved.

She thinks I'm a muppet.

I think he's a muppet but I'm not married to him

so I think his resentment is justified.

Thank you, fellow muppet.

We're in the deep doo-doo, Granville.

She didn't like that dressed tin.

Mine hadn't even heard of quantum physics.

What can you do when you've lost that electric attraction

you once had for your woman?

Fuses have been blown, Granville.

And I can tell you why, that is, if you've come here to spend

and not fritter my time away.

We'll spend, if we have to...

And within reason.

You see, there's your problem already.

You're not spontaneous enough.

You're not reckless, you're too cautions.

I've got a mountain bike with ten speeds.

I've got a pair of boxer shorts with a map of the London Underground on.

When was the last time that you two surprised your wives?

Well, every time I do she has a headache.

It's not easy with the mother on the premises.

Well, you've lost your shock value, you see, that's your problem.

You've given up, they're bored with your routine,

you, you need to shake 'em up a bit.

You're talking about a wife who can pop a vicious left jab here.

It'll have to be a shake that didn't trigger any violent countermeasures.

Think back to when they thought that you were the man.

Think back to when you were courting them

and you used to surprise them, you know, with little gifts, eh?

Mm.

Hey! Hey up! Spend!

Hello, a new face.

You sold my wife something you called yaggis.

It was salami.

Ah, you see now one of the advantages of yaggis,

apart from its erotic effects...

..is that it looks and tastes like salami.

Erotic effects?

You didn't notice?

I didn't eat it.

Well, it is advisable to eat it together, unless of course

you want your partner to achieve lift off unilaterally.

Has she been, er, sneaking out more recently?

Well, she plays golf, I wouldn't call that sneaking out.

Oh, more golf than usual?

She's got a tournament coming.

Ah. More golf.

I think you're going to need half a yaggis, you need to play catch up.

Oh, I'm not falling for that.

You're not dealing with some dozy female now.

Oh, er, sir, just, just a moment.

Guess what he had for breakfast.

Of course she's golfing.

If she tells me she's going golfing then she's golfing.

She takes that pricey set of clubs with her,

where else would she be going?

Lois? Where are you?

What do you mean, "What do you mean, 'where are you?'"

A husband's entitled to know where his wife is.

You sound out of breath, Lois. Why are you breathing heavy?

But how do I know you're golfing.

She is golfing, I just called her.

Healthy, outdoors, innocent activity.

I know she's outdoors, I heard the birds singing.

A-ha, yes, sunshine, fresh air.

Exactly.

Birds singing. Yeah.

I'm thinking picnic, you know, a lot of goodies spread

out on a blanket, maybe a bottle of wine...

clink of glasses...

A female voice huskier than usual,

murmuring contentedly.

It's a simple question, Lois!

How much of that damned yaggis have you been eating?

He admits it tastes like salami! That's one effect.

But what about the other?

Oh, don't come the innocent, you know what other!

Don't tell me you haven't been enjoying a bit of the other.

I heard the birds singing, the clink of glasses!

Don't you dare hang up on me. Lois!

Lois!

CAR HORN

Ye gods, that yaggis!

Chuff me, they're all on it.

Ah, Granville, I won't keep you a moment.

Before I go to Mr Newbold,

I want to remind you what you could be missing.

When are you expecting more yaggis?

I could let you have some of that till we get the next delivery.

-I'll take it.

-Good for you. Ha.

'They've been googling Mittelhauser, Carl Adelbert.

'Huh, it's getting harder to pull their legs.

'It's a nice night,

'I hope there's someone out there enjoying his yaggis.

'If you're listening, Arkwright, don't throw a wobbler

'but I thought I might surprise Mavis with a holiday.

'Or maybe a day trip.'

Oh, fish and chips?

My turn.

Oh.

'Oh, Lord, I love a generous woman.'