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Episode 5

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hurry up. That's good. That's it, right.

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Put it down here, look, in the centre, there.

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There.

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And we need an eight-foot plastic sunflower because...?

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Think visual impact. "What's this?" they'll wonder.

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"What is he up to now?"

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And, "How long has he been going barmy?"

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No, no, no, no, not once they know it's got mystical powers,

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that it comes from an ancient temple deep in the jungle,

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where people used to bring their babies,

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looking for success in life,

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and a cure for wind.

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You lie faster every day.

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Oh, well, thank you, Leroy.

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Yes. No, I thought it would bring

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a bit of sunshine into the street, especially today as it's

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Kevin's wedding day, I thought, you know, how appropriate.

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Oh, that's if he makes it this time, he's chickened out twice.

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Well, if he chickens out again, I want my cuff links back.

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HE YAWNS

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Oh!

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Oh, you gave me a fright, Mr Newbold.

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I felt everything shrink. And I'm supposed to be going to a wedding.

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Fright? You don't know what fright is, boy,

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until you've been in the sights of Mrs Featherstone.

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Good morning. Mr Newbold, are you still calling her Mrs Featherstone?

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I thought she'd be Delphine to you by now.

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I've more than I can handle with Mrs Featherstone,

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I'm nowhere near ready for Delphine.

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Just a moment, sir, I'll be with you.

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Ummm...

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TILL RINGS

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Eh-eh-eh!

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I suppose you and, er, Mrs Featherstone will be going to

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-Kevin's wedding?

-So I'm told.

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You need to find your inner monster, Mr Newbold, mm, put your foot down.

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Er, would you excuse us, please, Mr Newbold?

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What? Ah.

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Come with me.

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What do you think you're doing, inciting rebellion?

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-I feel sorry for him.

-Feel sorry?

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You ought to feel sorry for me! Well, and for you,

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because when she hasn't got her eye on him, she's got her eye on me.

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Do you want the stepmother from hell?

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Oh, well, if he's got to go, he's got to go.

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Yeah, that's it.

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Well, Mr Newbold, what can we treat you to today?

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Apart from Mrs Featherstone, that is.

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Got some nice streaky bacon.

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It's been banned, she's got me on yoghurt and fibre.

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Oh, see what it's like, Leroy, to be in the hands of a caring woman?

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In the hands of? Feels more like an armlock.

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-You don't live with her, Mr Newbold.

-And I'm trying to keep it that way.

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No, what I mean is, you know, you've got your own house,

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can't you sneak your streaky when she's not there?

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You can't cook bacon sneakily.

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She's got a nose like a bloodhound that thinks it's a Dyson.

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Mr Newbold, it is

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well-known that, um, each of Mrs Featherstone's

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husbands are reported to have died from an excess of pure pleasure.

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I must keep moving.

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Thank you.

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I've been up half the night wondering what to

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wear for this wedding, since somebody shrunk my best suit.

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Oh, I wonder who that could be?

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Anyway, it's not a problem for an upscale emporium, Gastric,

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we can hire you a suit.

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-Eh?

-We can?

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We can hire his suit. It's upstairs in the wardrobe doing nothing.

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He'd probably be delighted that it was earning a few bob.

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You're going to charge Gastric?

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-Why don't you just lend it to him?

-Any old scruff can borrow a suit.

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It takes a better class of person, entirely, to hire a suit.

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The aristocracy always hire a suit.

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I mean, you don't think all that flash at Royal Ascot

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is their own, do ya?

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I bet it is their own.

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-No, rubbish.

-What?

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No, you can't move at Moss Bros in the morning, for peers

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of the realm, you know.

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Reclaiming their deposits.

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-You're an old tight wad.

-Thank you, Leroy.

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I hope he heard that, he'd be, er, s-smiling.

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C'mon. Right... Chop, chop, over there.

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That's it.

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There you are.

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C'mon, let's take it back.

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Right, steady.

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Oh!

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Whoops, that's a bad omen for a wedding.

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Mm, a man in pain - always lifts the heart a little.

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Oh, look at him making a meal of it,

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anyone would think he was having twins.

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At least his bruises won't show and I bet he's recovered by mealtime.

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Good job it wasn't Kevin,

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you're nervous enough on your wedding night.

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Oh, you should have them trained by then.

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There comes a point

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when they learn to look on twin beds with a sense of relief.

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Oh. You must have a softer side somewhere, Delphine.

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Oh, I can get quite girlish over a handsome bank account.

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I could never marry for money, in case they took you back

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if you didn't fit.

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And look what you did marry!

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And that's another thing, you're expected to get it right first time.

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Well, let's hope it's third time lucky for the bride.

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How was she when you did her hair this morning?

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Twitchy. She was chewing her beads.

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Well, that gormless twit Kevin's called it off

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twice at the last minute.

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No wonder she's insecure.

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I used to be insecure,

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until I realised I was insecure and then it got worse.

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Men, they need a firm hand... everywhere but where they'd like it.

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Well, I like weddings, I think there's still a place for romance.

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One less since they pulled down that bus shelter.

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They see Kevin's light on at all hours,

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they see him pacing backwards and forwards.

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I would think Kevin's better at backwards.

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He was so confused when he came in the shop yesterday, it took

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all my willpower not to overcharge him.

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I saw him yesterday, staring at a wall.

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He'll get on well with the brother-in-law, then.

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I passed him in the street, I said, "Good morning, Kevin,"

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and he said, "20 to nine."

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Oh, eh-up, here he comes now.

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Hello, Kevin, we were just talking about you.

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Huh, I know, everybody's taking about me -

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"Will he or won't he?" Puts a person under pressure.

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You know, er, Kevin, I've always found the best way to relieve

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pressure is to treat yourself, you know, buy something.

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You want to know pressure?

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Wait till she catches ya fancying some other woman.

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I don't fancy other women.

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Well, they're better than walls, Kevin.

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It's no good never looking at other women,

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your wife won't believe you, anyway.

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Oh, don't listen to 'em, Kevin, they're only pulling your leg.

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Anyway, what are you doing here?

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Hey, you should be going to get ready for your wedding.

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I'm having a last look round as a single person.

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KEVIN SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT

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I'm going to miss places like this, where once you were free.

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You'll get nothing free in here.

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I always think if everybody's overcharged equally,

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it's my contribution to fair-trade.

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There we are, sir. Oh, £5.00, just about right, thank you.

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Hey, you'll miss more than places, Kevin, I don't know where I'd be

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if she didn't like Walnut Whips.

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It's all right for you, mine's on a diet.

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I've always admired the way you've stayed single,

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you're my role model, Granville.

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I never have time for a roll, that's WHY I'm still single.

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Ah, Kevin.

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Oh, d'you know, I've buried three husbands

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and they looked better at the end than you do at the beginning.

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Where we going?

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To get you smartened up and then married.

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It's taken you long enough - what were you doing?

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You're allowed to wed, you know! Even if nobody's pregnant.

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Now, Granville, Granville, I know that Mr Newbold is pursuing me,

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but there's still time for someone with a back pocket

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as full as yours, to slip a wedge between us.

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Hey, you should maybe think about that, Granville.

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I think he'd make a lovely wedge.

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Just bog off, you two, will ya?

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Oh, I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it,

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but, er, I'm running late - I'm going to a wedding.

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So am I, in about three months.

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Right, I'll be back as soon as I can.

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Oh, er, the old lady here, she usually keeps me talking...

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HE CHUCKLES

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You know what they're like.

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I'll start being good in three months.

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Good day to you, Madge.

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It looks a better day for you.

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I was just showing him my wedding shoes.

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Is that why your lipstick's smeared?

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Oh, it got smudged when we shared a fig biscuit.

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Yes, just a small free sample.

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Well, you needn't be looking at me like that,

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I'm old enough to accept a fig biscuit.

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Oh, Kevin, you do look smart.

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Except about the face - look at that expression, I think

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I've seen it on a punctured inner tube.

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You'd best keep him till it's time.

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Where am I going to keep him?

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Same place you keep your fig biscuits.

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Well, I'd stay and keep him on his mark if I had time,

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but I must go and assist Mr Newbold into a wedding mood.

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Now, Kevin, behave, or I'll be back...

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with a blunt needle.

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You'll be fine, Kevin - just because I had a bad marriage

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and she had worse, doesn't mean they're all bad.

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You're really not helping.

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Kevin, there are many happy married couples around here.

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I mean, you take that Mrs Harris over there, for example,

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she's never been happier since they had that lodger move in.

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I'm only joking. There...

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HE CHUCKLES

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No, no, it's all right, leave him, he can't go far,

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he can only get as far as the yard, and the gates are locked.

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He'll enjoy a bit of sunflower therapy.

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C'mon, Mavis, you need to redo your lipstick.

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Hey, that was a good line of yours about the fig biscuit.

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Oh, heck, perhaps I'm going to be a natural at misbehaviour.

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Oh!

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I think I could live with that.

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HE SIGHS

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Right...

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A-ha, yes...

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TYRES SQUEAL

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Apply your handbrake, Mr Newbold.

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An urge to travel. This is a new you, Mr Newbold.

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Have you forgotten you're taking me to a wedding?

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I hate weddings.

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Oh, don't say that, it could soon be your own.

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Now, show me a nice three-point turn.

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Er, but I'm overdue for visiting this friend.

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Oh, but you've got a new friend now, Mr Newbold - and I'm sure we'll

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be very happy together, once we understand certain rules.

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"You must come," he said, "I'll be expecting you."

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Find reverse, Mr Newbold, it's a knack you'll need

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if we're to prosper.

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How ancient would you say she was?

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-Oh, oh, lost in the mist of time.

-She's plastic.

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Oh, er, yes, it's magic, isn't it, hey?

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They were using plastic when we still had wooden plates.

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Well, if she's that old, how would you find her?

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I like to think that, um, she-she found me.

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Can you feel the mojo, Kevin? Mm?

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Talk to her... Listen.

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She talks?

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Oh, yes, to those fortunate enough to listen.

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She's on your side, Kevin, yours and Eileen's.

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Now...don't... don't let her down, will you?

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She's a plastic sunflower...

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Hey, what's this?

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You're now locked on to her ancient wisdom.

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Don't worry, I'll be back to undo you for the wedding.

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Hiring a suit turned out to be a bit more expensive than I'd imagined.

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That's because you have no imagination, Gastric.

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I tell you what he has got. A pretty powerful pong.

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How can you say that? I'm awash with deodorant and aftershave.

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No, no, it's not you, it's, er... I think

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we've overdone it with the mothballs.

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-Oh, is that what it was?

-Mm.

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I thought they were Mint Imperials.

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Tell me you didn't eat 'em.

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I'm not stupid!

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One was enough.

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I tell you what, though, Gastric, huh, those moths have got some balls.

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HORN TOOTS

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Oh, why am I going to a wedding?

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I hate weddings.

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Oh, stop fighting it, Newbold.

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You're helpless in the slipstream of a determined woman.

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Go on, then. Do it.

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Still can't believe you're closing the shop.

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I can do it. I can, I can do it.

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I can close the shop!

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No, no, it's all right, just... We'll do it in a minute,

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there's no need to close before we have to, is there?

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-It's nearly time.

-Mm? I know what time it is.

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-How long?

-Mm? How long what?

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How long are you going to close the shop for?

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Oh, er, well, you know... It's Eileen's wedding, isn't it?

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And she's waited a long time, you know, and if she could

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wait for two years, we can close the shop for a couple of hours, can't we?

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A couple of hours?

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Minutes, minutes, couple of minutes, minutes I meant,

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that's what I meant.

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I mean, I tell you what, what we'll do is, you see,

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we'll go to the service and then, and then we'll come back here and then

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you can stay here and then I can go to the reception, then I'll come

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back here and then you can stay here and I can go back to the reception.

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Sounds like fun.

0:18:330:18:34

Is that your best tie? Could you not find a better tie?

0:18:370:18:41

Well, it's too late now, you'll just have to keep stroking your chin.

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Did you bring a clean hanky?

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Yes, oh!

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Well, hello.

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Is there a photoshoot going on in the street?

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Hello, Mavis.

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Hello, Granville.

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You're looking very grocer-friendly.

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And what does that make me?

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Oh, yes, I was coming to you, yes... Well, I think you're getting,

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er, very close to borderline attractive.

0:19:200:19:24

You both look great.

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Well, thank you, Leroy, I'm glad one of you's got manners.

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I'd like some tissues - I always cry at weddings.

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Well, the marriage you had - enough to make anybody cry.

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Well, yours was no pleasure trip.

0:19:380:19:39

I know, let's hope Eileen does better.

0:19:390:19:42

Where's the slippery Kevin?

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Ah, well, he's, er, safe within the embrace of his spiritual advisor.

0:19:460:19:50

Aftershave? That's very adventurous.

0:19:550:19:59

Do you have a secret side that I should know about?

0:19:590:20:02

I've had it for years, it's an old Christmas gift.

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Oh, they must've thought you were the kind to use aftershave.

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Never struck me as Hugo Boss material.

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Well, what are we waiting for?

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Well, instructions - where am I going?

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Well, we're going past the shop to pick up Nurse Gladys.

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Well... How do I look?

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You look...unsinkable.

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Unsinkable?

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I meant... Nice.

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And don't slouch, keep your shoulders back. I do.

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You keep everything back.

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And just remember - there's a help-yourself buffet.

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That does NOT include the bridesmaids.

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As if.

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You'd only tell your mother - you know I live in fear of your mother.

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Oh, there's no need...!

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Just live in fear of me!

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Ah. Ha, right. Here we are, all looking delicious. Even Cyril.

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So it's time to undo the groom.

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Leroy, go and undo him and don't let him get away.

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Where's the key?

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Erm...

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I dunno, I thought you had it.

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Surely he's not still fighting marriage?!

0:21:450:21:48

Well, you have to admire him.

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Not if you want a peaceful day.

0:21:530:21:56

I don't care if he is fighting, he's still going down.

0:21:560:21:59

It's sad, really, we used to hold him up as an example.

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Yeah.

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Before we discovered the delights of matrimony.

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-Give us a kiss.

-Get lost.

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-You see what I mean?

-Mm.

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Maybe YOU dropped it in the yard?

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What if he's found it? Quick!

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Mind the suit! Mind one of the world's most expensive suits!

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Hey! This is private property back here. Oh, heck.

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Oh...

0:22:400:22:42

What's the problem?

0:22:480:22:51

He is.

0:22:510:22:52

That's going to be inconvenient when they retire for the night.

0:22:520:22:55

Well, it's no big deal,

0:22:550:22:56

just cut the flower away from that big tub of concrete.

0:22:560:23:00

No way, I paid good money for this ancient sacred item,

0:23:000:23:05

it comes all the way from the jungles of Patagonia.

0:23:050:23:10

He means Leeds.

0:23:100:23:11

C'mon, c'mon, to me, to me, that's it, right, that's it.

0:23:140:23:19

Gastric, get...get the door, will you?

0:23:190:23:22

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

0:23:220:23:24

Right, now down your end, down, down - right, push, lads.

0:23:240:23:27

It'll go, it'll go. Don't worry.

0:23:270:23:30

Get it back the other way. Put the pot in first, it's obvious, isn't it?

0:23:310:23:35

-Stand there, Gastric.

-One, two, three!

0:23:350:23:39

Right, your end down now.

0:23:390:23:41

Right, in you go, that's it, it'll...it'll work this time.

0:23:410:23:44

You dozy beggar, fancy chaining him up!

0:23:440:23:48

That's another wedding he's going to miss.

0:23:480:23:50

No, he won't, we'll get him there one way or another.

0:23:500:23:54

Right, think of something else, c'mon.

0:23:540:23:57

It's all right.

0:24:060:24:08

Oh, ah, oh, no, ah!

0:24:100:24:13

-Oh-oh-oh.

-Eh, up.

0:24:130:24:14

Stop! Ah-oh, help! Oh! No!

0:24:140:24:18

HE WAILS

0:24:200:24:23

Why can't he wear a buttonhole, like anyone else?

0:24:490:24:52

SHE MOUTHS

0:24:560:24:58

THEY MUTTER

0:25:030:25:05

Hello, erm, good afternoon.

0:25:340:25:36

We're gathered here today to celebrate the union

0:25:400:25:43

of Eileen and Kevin.

0:25:430:25:46

Marriage is a desire by two people to share their lives together,

0:25:460:25:51

and a willingness to accept each other for who they are.

0:25:510:25:55

SHE SNIFFLES

0:25:570:26:00

It is a commitment to friendship...

0:26:040:26:08

mutual respect... and calls for patience...

0:26:080:26:11

..courage and, of course, humour...

0:26:210:26:25

GASTRIC BURPS

0:26:330:26:35

SHE COUGHS

0:26:370:26:39

And now a solemn moment has arrived for these,

0:26:410:26:45

Eileen and Kevin, to contract their marriage before you.

0:26:450:26:51

CAMERA CLICKS

0:27:020:27:04

'They'll all be raving now at the disco.

0:27:100:27:13

'I hope Gastric's not over-exercising that suit.

0:27:140:27:18

'You do realise you're now married to Eileen?

0:27:210:27:25

'Not to mention Kevin.'

0:27:320:27:34

Hey, you not going the disco?

0:27:380:27:42

At my time of life, Leroy,

0:27:420:27:44

I'd be much happier curled up with a good book.

0:27:440:27:47

Good evening, Leroy.

0:27:470:27:50

And if Madge asks, I'm still at the disco.

0:27:500:27:53

Oh, enjoy your book.

0:27:560:27:58

I hope I can remember my place.

0:27:590:28:02

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