Episode 5 Still Open All Hours

Hurry up. That's good. That's it, right.

Put it down here, look, in the centre, there.

There.

And we need an eight-foot plastic sunflower because...?

Think visual impact. "What's this?" they'll wonder.

"What is he up to now?"

And, "How long has he been going barmy?"

No, no, no, no, not once they know it's got mystical powers,

that it comes from an ancient temple deep in the jungle,

where people used to bring their babies,

looking for success in life,

and a cure for wind.

You lie faster every day.

Oh, well, thank you, Leroy.

Yes. No, I thought it would bring

a bit of sunshine into the street, especially today as it's

Kevin's wedding day, I thought, you know, how appropriate.

Oh, that's if he makes it this time, he's chickened out twice.

Well, if he chickens out again, I want my cuff links back.

HE YAWNS

Oh!

Oh, you gave me a fright, Mr Newbold.

I felt everything shrink. And I'm supposed to be going to a wedding.

Fright? You don't know what fright is, boy,

until you've been in the sights of Mrs Featherstone.

Good morning. Mr Newbold, are you still calling her Mrs Featherstone?

I thought she'd be Delphine to you by now.

I've more than I can handle with Mrs Featherstone,

I'm nowhere near ready for Delphine.

Just a moment, sir, I'll be with you.

Ummm...

TILL RINGS

Eh-eh-eh!

I suppose you and, er, Mrs Featherstone will be going to

-Kevin's wedding?

-So I'm told.

You need to find your inner monster, Mr Newbold, mm, put your foot down.

Er, would you excuse us, please, Mr Newbold?

What? Ah.

Come with me.

What do you think you're doing, inciting rebellion?

-I feel sorry for him.

-Feel sorry?

You ought to feel sorry for me! Well, and for you,

because when she hasn't got her eye on him, she's got her eye on me.

Do you want the stepmother from hell?

Oh, well, if he's got to go, he's got to go.

Yeah, that's it.

Well, Mr Newbold, what can we treat you to today?

Apart from Mrs Featherstone, that is.

Got some nice streaky bacon.

It's been banned, she's got me on yoghurt and fibre.

Oh, see what it's like, Leroy, to be in the hands of a caring woman?

In the hands of? Feels more like an armlock.

-You don't live with her, Mr Newbold.

-And I'm trying to keep it that way.

No, what I mean is, you know, you've got your own house,

can't you sneak your streaky when she's not there?

You can't cook bacon sneakily.

She's got a nose like a bloodhound that thinks it's a Dyson.

Mr Newbold, it is

well-known that, um, each of Mrs Featherstone's

husbands are reported to have died from an excess of pure pleasure.

I must keep moving.

Thank you.

I've been up half the night wondering what to

wear for this wedding, since somebody shrunk my best suit.

Oh, I wonder who that could be?

Anyway, it's not a problem for an upscale emporium, Gastric,

we can hire you a suit.

-Eh?

-We can?

We can hire his suit. It's upstairs in the wardrobe doing nothing.

He'd probably be delighted that it was earning a few bob.

You're going to charge Gastric?

-Why don't you just lend it to him?

-Any old scruff can borrow a suit.

It takes a better class of person, entirely, to hire a suit.

The aristocracy always hire a suit.

I mean, you don't think all that flash at Royal Ascot

is their own, do ya?

I bet it is their own.

-No, rubbish.

-What?

No, you can't move at Moss Bros in the morning, for peers

of the realm, you know.

Reclaiming their deposits.

-You're an old tight wad.

-Thank you, Leroy.

I hope he heard that, he'd be, er, s-smiling.

C'mon. Right... Chop, chop, over there.

That's it.

There you are.

C'mon, let's take it back.

Right, steady.

Oh!

Whoops, that's a bad omen for a wedding.

Mm, a man in pain - always lifts the heart a little.

Oh, look at him making a meal of it,

anyone would think he was having twins.

At least his bruises won't show and I bet he's recovered by mealtime.

Good job it wasn't Kevin,

you're nervous enough on your wedding night.

Oh, you should have them trained by then.

There comes a point

when they learn to look on twin beds with a sense of relief.

Oh. You must have a softer side somewhere, Delphine.

Oh, I can get quite girlish over a handsome bank account.

I could never marry for money, in case they took you back

if you didn't fit.

And look what you did marry!

And that's another thing, you're expected to get it right first time.

Well, let's hope it's third time lucky for the bride.

How was she when you did her hair this morning?

Twitchy. She was chewing her beads.

Well, that gormless twit Kevin's called it off

twice at the last minute.

No wonder she's insecure.

I used to be insecure,

until I realised I was insecure and then it got worse.

Men, they need a firm hand... everywhere but where they'd like it.

Well, I like weddings, I think there's still a place for romance.

One less since they pulled down that bus shelter.

They see Kevin's light on at all hours,

they see him pacing backwards and forwards.

I would think Kevin's better at backwards.

He was so confused when he came in the shop yesterday, it took

all my willpower not to overcharge him.

I saw him yesterday, staring at a wall.

He'll get on well with the brother-in-law, then.

I passed him in the street, I said, "Good morning, Kevin,"

and he said, "20 to nine."

Oh, eh-up, here he comes now.

Hello, Kevin, we were just talking about you.

Huh, I know, everybody's taking about me -

"Will he or won't he?" Puts a person under pressure.

You know, er, Kevin, I've always found the best way to relieve

pressure is to treat yourself, you know, buy something.

You want to know pressure?

Wait till she catches ya fancying some other woman.

I don't fancy other women.

Well, they're better than walls, Kevin.

It's no good never looking at other women,

your wife won't believe you, anyway.

Oh, don't listen to 'em, Kevin, they're only pulling your leg.

Anyway, what are you doing here?

Hey, you should be going to get ready for your wedding.

I'm having a last look round as a single person.

KEVIN SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT

I'm going to miss places like this, where once you were free.

You'll get nothing free in here.

I always think if everybody's overcharged equally,

it's my contribution to fair-trade.

There we are, sir. Oh, £5.00, just about right, thank you.

Hey, you'll miss more than places, Kevin, I don't know where I'd be

if she didn't like Walnut Whips.

It's all right for you, mine's on a diet.

I've always admired the way you've stayed single,

you're my role model, Granville.

I never have time for a roll, that's WHY I'm still single.

Ah, Kevin.

Oh, d'you know, I've buried three husbands

and they looked better at the end than you do at the beginning.

Where we going?

To get you smartened up and then married.

It's taken you long enough - what were you doing?

You're allowed to wed, you know! Even if nobody's pregnant.

Now, Granville, Granville, I know that Mr Newbold is pursuing me,

but there's still time for someone with a back pocket

as full as yours, to slip a wedge between us.

Hey, you should maybe think about that, Granville.

I think he'd make a lovely wedge.

Just bog off, you two, will ya?

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it,

but, er, I'm running late - I'm going to a wedding.

So am I, in about three months.

Right, I'll be back as soon as I can.

Oh, er, the old lady here, she usually keeps me talking...

HE CHUCKLES

You know what they're like.

I'll start being good in three months.

Good day to you, Madge.

It looks a better day for you.

I was just showing him my wedding shoes.

Is that why your lipstick's smeared?

Oh, it got smudged when we shared a fig biscuit.

Yes, just a small free sample.

Well, you needn't be looking at me like that,

I'm old enough to accept a fig biscuit.

Oh, Kevin, you do look smart.

Except about the face - look at that expression, I think

I've seen it on a punctured inner tube.

You'd best keep him till it's time.

Where am I going to keep him?

Same place you keep your fig biscuits.

Well, I'd stay and keep him on his mark if I had time,

but I must go and assist Mr Newbold into a wedding mood.

Now, Kevin, behave, or I'll be back...

with a blunt needle.

You'll be fine, Kevin - just because I had a bad marriage

and she had worse, doesn't mean they're all bad.

You're really not helping.

Kevin, there are many happy married couples around here.

I mean, you take that Mrs Harris over there, for example,

she's never been happier since they had that lodger move in.

I'm only joking. There...

HE CHUCKLES

No, no, it's all right, leave him, he can't go far,

he can only get as far as the yard, and the gates are locked.

He'll enjoy a bit of sunflower therapy.

C'mon, Mavis, you need to redo your lipstick.

Hey, that was a good line of yours about the fig biscuit.

Oh, heck, perhaps I'm going to be a natural at misbehaviour.

Oh!

I think I could live with that.

HE SIGHS

Right...

A-ha, yes...

TYRES SQUEAL

Apply your handbrake, Mr Newbold.

An urge to travel. This is a new you, Mr Newbold.

Have you forgotten you're taking me to a wedding?

I hate weddings.

Oh, don't say that, it could soon be your own.

Now, show me a nice three-point turn.

Er, but I'm overdue for visiting this friend.

Oh, but you've got a new friend now, Mr Newbold - and I'm sure we'll

be very happy together, once we understand certain rules.

"You must come," he said, "I'll be expecting you."

Find reverse, Mr Newbold, it's a knack you'll need

if we're to prosper.

How ancient would you say she was?

-Oh, oh, lost in the mist of time.

-She's plastic.

Oh, er, yes, it's magic, isn't it, hey?

They were using plastic when we still had wooden plates.

Well, if she's that old, how would you find her?

I like to think that, um, she-she found me.

Can you feel the mojo, Kevin? Mm?

Talk to her... Listen.

She talks?

Oh, yes, to those fortunate enough to listen.

She's on your side, Kevin, yours and Eileen's.

Now...don't... don't let her down, will you?

She's a plastic sunflower...

Hey, what's this?

You're now locked on to her ancient wisdom.

Don't worry, I'll be back to undo you for the wedding.

Hiring a suit turned out to be a bit more expensive than I'd imagined.

That's because you have no imagination, Gastric.

I tell you what he has got. A pretty powerful pong.

How can you say that? I'm awash with deodorant and aftershave.

No, no, it's not you, it's, er... I think

we've overdone it with the mothballs.

-Oh, is that what it was?

-Mm.

I thought they were Mint Imperials.

Tell me you didn't eat 'em.

I'm not stupid!

One was enough.

I tell you what, though, Gastric, huh, those moths have got some balls.

HORN TOOTS

Oh, why am I going to a wedding?

I hate weddings.

Oh, stop fighting it, Newbold.

You're helpless in the slipstream of a determined woman.

Go on, then. Do it.

Still can't believe you're closing the shop.

I can do it. I can, I can do it.

I can close the shop!

No, no, it's all right, just... We'll do it in a minute,

there's no need to close before we have to, is there?

-It's nearly time.

-Mm? I know what time it is.

-How long?

-Mm? How long what?

How long are you going to close the shop for?

Oh, er, well, you know... It's Eileen's wedding, isn't it?

And she's waited a long time, you know, and if she could

wait for two years, we can close the shop for a couple of hours, can't we?

A couple of hours?

Minutes, minutes, couple of minutes, minutes I meant,

that's what I meant.

I mean, I tell you what, what we'll do is, you see,

we'll go to the service and then, and then we'll come back here and then

you can stay here and then I can go to the reception, then I'll come

back here and then you can stay here and I can go back to the reception.

Sounds like fun.

Is that your best tie? Could you not find a better tie?

Well, it's too late now, you'll just have to keep stroking your chin.

Did you bring a clean hanky?

Yes, oh!

Well, hello.

Is there a photoshoot going on in the street?

Hello, Mavis.

Hello, Granville.

You're looking very grocer-friendly.

And what does that make me?

Oh, yes, I was coming to you, yes... Well, I think you're getting,

er, very close to borderline attractive.

You both look great.

Well, thank you, Leroy, I'm glad one of you's got manners.

I'd like some tissues - I always cry at weddings.

Well, the marriage you had - enough to make anybody cry.

Well, yours was no pleasure trip.

I know, let's hope Eileen does better.

Where's the slippery Kevin?

Ah, well, he's, er, safe within the embrace of his spiritual advisor.

Aftershave? That's very adventurous.

Do you have a secret side that I should know about?

I've had it for years, it's an old Christmas gift.

Oh, they must've thought you were the kind to use aftershave.

Never struck me as Hugo Boss material.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Well, instructions - where am I going?

Well, we're going past the shop to pick up Nurse Gladys.

Well... How do I look?

You look...unsinkable.

Unsinkable?

I meant... Nice.

And don't slouch, keep your shoulders back. I do.

You keep everything back.

And just remember - there's a help-yourself buffet.

That does NOT include the bridesmaids.

As if.

You'd only tell your mother - you know I live in fear of your mother.

Oh, there's no need...!

Just live in fear of me!

Ah. Ha, right. Here we are, all looking delicious. Even Cyril.

So it's time to undo the groom.

Leroy, go and undo him and don't let him get away.

Where's the key?

Erm...

I dunno, I thought you had it.

Surely he's not still fighting marriage?!

Well, you have to admire him.

Not if you want a peaceful day.

I don't care if he is fighting, he's still going down.

It's sad, really, we used to hold him up as an example.

Yeah.

Before we discovered the delights of matrimony.

-Give us a kiss.

-Get lost.

-You see what I mean?

-Mm.

Maybe YOU dropped it in the yard?

What if he's found it? Quick!

Mind the suit! Mind one of the world's most expensive suits!

Hey! This is private property back here. Oh, heck.

Oh...

What's the problem?

He is.

That's going to be inconvenient when they retire for the night.

Well, it's no big deal,

just cut the flower away from that big tub of concrete.

No way, I paid good money for this ancient sacred item,

it comes all the way from the jungles of Patagonia.

He means Leeds.

C'mon, c'mon, to me, to me, that's it, right, that's it.

Gastric, get...get the door, will you?

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Right, now down your end, down, down - right, push, lads.

It'll go, it'll go. Don't worry.

Get it back the other way. Put the pot in first, it's obvious, isn't it?

-Stand there, Gastric.

-One, two, three!

Right, your end down now.

Right, in you go, that's it, it'll...it'll work this time.

You dozy beggar, fancy chaining him up!

That's another wedding he's going to miss.

No, he won't, we'll get him there one way or another.

Right, think of something else, c'mon.

It's all right.

Oh, ah, oh, no, ah!

-Oh-oh-oh.

-Eh, up.

Stop! Ah-oh, help! Oh! No!

HE WAILS

Why can't he wear a buttonhole, like anyone else?

SHE MOUTHS

THEY MUTTER

Hello, erm, good afternoon.

We're gathered here today to celebrate the union

of Eileen and Kevin.

Marriage is a desire by two people to share their lives together,

and a willingness to accept each other for who they are.

SHE SNIFFLES

It is a commitment to friendship...

mutual respect... and calls for patience...

..courage and, of course, humour...

GASTRIC BURPS

SHE COUGHS

And now a solemn moment has arrived for these,

Eileen and Kevin, to contract their marriage before you.

CAMERA CLICKS

'They'll all be raving now at the disco.

'I hope Gastric's not over-exercising that suit.

'You do realise you're now married to Eileen?

'Not to mention Kevin.'

Hey, you not going the disco?

At my time of life, Leroy,

I'd be much happier curled up with a good book.

Good evening, Leroy.

And if Madge asks, I'm still at the disco.

Oh, enjoy your book.

I hope I can remember my place.