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Well, Leroy, what do you see? | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
You, rubbing your hands together like some old money grabber. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
Less of the "old". | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
Anyway, rubbing your hands together | 0:00:18 | 0:00:19 | |
is a grocer's ancient spiritual practice. | 0:00:19 | 0:00:24 | |
Spiritual? | 0:00:24 | 0:00:25 | |
Yes, it's the small shopkeeper's form of yoga. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:29 | |
I learnt that from the "ma-ma-ma" master. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
You know, there are some experts who can rub their way | 0:00:32 | 0:00:36 | |
to a transcendental state of pure avarice. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
Ooh! | 0:00:41 | 0:00:42 | |
-Don't you have to sit cross-legged? -Mm? -Mm? | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
Oh, yes, sometimes - | 0:00:45 | 0:00:46 | |
as long as you're not near the bacon slicer. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
Wait for it, will you? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
BELL CHIMES | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
Oh! | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
You're early, Mr Newbold. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Oh, you have to be, if you want to get here on your own, | 0:01:25 | 0:01:29 | |
unaccompanied... | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
-free. -Heh! | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
How is Mrs Featherstone? | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
Relentless. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Yes, anyway, er, would you excuse us for just a moment, sir? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
Come here, you. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
-Take your time, I'm enjoying the lack of companionship. -Yes. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:47 | |
Now, listen, what is your opinion of Mrs Featherstone? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:51 | |
Frightening. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Mm, yes, agreed. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:54 | |
But don't you think that she'd make a perfect partner for Mr Newbold? | 0:01:54 | 0:01:59 | |
Why do you care? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
Well, because whenever Mrs Featherstone | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
hasn't got a man in tow, she looks hungrily at me. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
Ah! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
May I be the first to wish you both every happiness? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
Thank you. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
Oh! Jeez. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
Now, what can I help you with, er, Mr Newbold? | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
I think I'm beyond help. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
Oh, really? We've got some nice kippers. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
She doesn't like kippers. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
-What about you? -Oh, she likes me, that's the problem. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
You lucky devil. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
I have seen men crawling across that doorway on their hands and knees | 0:02:33 | 0:02:38 | |
broken in spirit because she has rejected them. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
I missed that. Must've been out. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Well, if one comes in again, broken in spirit, | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
ask him how he managed it. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
Now, Mr Newbold, don't be hasty, | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
I know that she no longer is a professional wrestler... | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
What? | 0:02:57 | 0:02:58 | |
She no longer wrestles professionally - | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
but she would keep you safe, Mr Newbold. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
A sound woman in so many ways. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Mostly in my way. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
Yeah, well, she runs a neat ship - housekeeper of the year 2004, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
her place is spotless. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
No wonder. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
She's never in it - she's always in mine. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Oh! Mr Newbold, kippers... | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
Your... I've got some very nice... | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Damn. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
"No longer wrestles professionally"? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
Hmm? You get worse, you do. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
Oh... | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
He got away. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
BELL CHIMES | 0:03:39 | 0:03:40 | |
Delivery. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Where do you want it? | 0:03:43 | 0:03:44 | |
Oh, just drop it here. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
CRASH | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
One item. Sign here. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Can we accept the possibility that the contents might be damaged? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
Why should they be damaged? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
Guess. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:58 | |
-You want me to lift it? -Mm. | 0:03:58 | 0:03:59 | |
With my back? A thing that size?! | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
No. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
-I shall sign it unexamined, hmm? -Mm. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
You don't walk like you've got a bad back. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
I fight through the pain, don't I? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Until it gets too much for me. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:15 | |
Agh...! | 0:04:18 | 0:04:19 | |
Hullo! What's this, then? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
It's your lucky dip. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
It's that mystery lot you bought, sight unseen. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Guaranteed to contain items worth more than I paid for it. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:39 | |
You know, that Madge... | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
she desperately need the comfort of a man in her life. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
Well, there's Gastric. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
He could be a comfort in your life, | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
-providing you've got a tail you can wag. -Mm. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
I think Madge has got a tail... | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
and it's forked. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
He's no experience with women. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
He was married. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:04 | |
She left him on their honeymoon. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Not till midweek. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
He's a warm-hearted, decent human being - | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
internally. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
The outside needs a bit of work. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Well, who else is good-hearted enough - | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
or should I say, daft enough - to tackle her? | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
I was thinking that I might organise the four of us on a...on a date. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:31 | |
-You're not getting me out on a...! -No, not you! | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
Not you and me. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:35 | |
-What...?! -No! | 0:05:35 | 0:05:36 | |
I meant me and Mavis and Gastric and Madge. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
-Oh! -Mm. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Madge'll never go for that. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
But what if it were a blind date | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
and she wouldn't know who were coming? | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
-Oh! -Mm! | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Now, that is sneaky. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Just one of the weapons in a small shopkeeper's armoury. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
HE CHUCKLES Eh? | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
Oh... | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
I've been up half the night with... | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
Gastric, you're just the man. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
..an upset stomach. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
I must've eaten something. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:15 | |
Eaten something?! You eat everything. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Rubbish. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
Oh, we have that for lunch. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
Right, now... | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
I want you to blow in that, | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
blow it up and then pinch it by the neck. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
Could I ask what for? | 0:06:29 | 0:06:30 | |
Look, save your breath for blowing. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
Just, er, blow it up - just do it. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
-Ugh... -Good. Right. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:53 | |
What's all this about? | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
Yeah, I was wondering that. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Ah, thank you. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
Diagnosis. | 0:06:58 | 0:06:59 | |
We're going to find out what is wrong with Gastric's digestive system. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:04 | |
With a balloon? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
This is more than a balloon now, ain't it? | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
It's got you inside it. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
It's got all your molecules, your DNA - | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
it can even tell what you had for supper last night, | 0:07:13 | 0:07:17 | |
all we've got to do is to listen to it. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
Listen to what? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:21 | |
To you coming out of the balloon. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
You don't want to be trapped in there all day, do you? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
Now, wait a minute... | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
Don't fight it, Gastric. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
It's bigger than the both of us. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
Look, just-just be quiet, will you? | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
Listen to what it tells us about Gastric. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
What can a balloon tell us about me? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
Everything! | 0:07:45 | 0:07:46 | |
The ancient Egyptians, | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
they built their entire medical knowledge on this sort of thing. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:52 | |
The ancient Egyptians had balloons? | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
Mainly for, er, birthdays and stag nights. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
No, they did not - | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
they had bladders of goats and of camels, right? | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Now, unless you want to wait for a camel to come through here, | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
can we get on? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Go on, I'll give it a go. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:13 | |
Right, quiet please. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
It takes concentration, this. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
BALLOON SQUEAKS | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
HE MIMICS SQUEAKING | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
BALLOON SQUEAKS | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
PFFFRT | 0:08:36 | 0:08:37 | |
You heard that? Obvious, ain't it, eh? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
You're lovesick. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:44 | |
-Lovesick? -Mm-hm. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
It's a stomach problem. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Yes, well, that's where the deepest love lies, doesn't it? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Right down there in the...in the belly. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
I mean, who said that? | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Probably William Shakespeare. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
Or was it Mr Arnold Smethwick of Wolverhampton? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Who am I supposed to be in love with? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Well, it's obvious - it was Madge, wasn't it? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
Didn't you hear it? Didn't you hear the balloon? | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
When it went like that, it went, "Maaaaadge!" | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
I've sent Gastric home to get his best suit on. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:25 | |
I want him looking sharp for his date tonight. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
You think Madge will turn up? | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Oh, yes, Madge will turn up - | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
even if it's only just to annoy me and Mavis. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
Till she sees Gastric. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Supposing we hit her with a more sophisticated, suave - | 0:09:40 | 0:09:45 | |
dare I say, elegant - Gastric, eh? Mm... | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
Cos you know that ladies like surprises, don't they? | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
I wouldn't dare. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
Right, what have we got here? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
The Pyongyang Cosmetic Company? | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
What the heck have you bought? | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
"North Korea's first venture into the beauty industry." | 0:10:06 | 0:10:10 | |
"352 tubes of invisible lip salve for chapped lips... | 0:10:11 | 0:10:17 | |
"in three flavours." | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Yeah, well, that's good - choice, choice, three... | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
what are the flavours? | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
"Peasant flags unfurling"... | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
Yes, yes, good. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
"Death to capitalism"... | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
..and "the east is cerise". | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
Well, that's catchy. HE CHUCKLES | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
Well, forget the flavours and concentrate on the product, hey? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
It's not winter. Who gets chapped lips? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:46 | |
Well, we don't need to say that they are FOR chapped lips, do we? | 0:10:46 | 0:10:51 | |
-For what, then? -Mm... | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
We'll think of something. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Wait! | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
What do I need with bullets? | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
It's not a bullet. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
It's a love charm from North Korea. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Who told you that twaddle?! | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
At the shop. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Listen, whatever your name is... | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Call me Mick. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:34 | |
Take it back to North Korea. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
Take it personally and ask for a refund. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
You've forgotten the magic, haven't you? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
That... | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
That thing we had. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
I squeezed your boil. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
If ever I got another one, I swore I'd be back. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
I've retired - | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
from nursing, from boils and especially from dozy men. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:58 | |
Well, at least take the flowers. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
What am I going to do with the flowers? | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
Don't tempt me. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
Yes. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:11 | |
It's coming. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
The new image is coming. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
GASTRIC CHUCKLES | 0:12:15 | 0:12:16 | |
Some way still to go. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Yes, yes...but, er, you know, you're given top marks for trying. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:22 | |
The man is looking tastier, isn't he? | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
Gorgeous - even charismatic wouldn't be going too far. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
Oh, you think? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:30 | |
Tell him, Leroy. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
Well, I think it's a good suit. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:33 | |
It must be - look how long he's made it last. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
Oh, they don't make 'em like this any more. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
No! Thank goodness, no. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
Well, who's he when he's at home? | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
Remind me. How did you meet him? | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
I've told you - he says I once squeezed his boil. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
Oh, that's one boy-meets-girl story | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
that's never going to be made into a film. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
I can't think what's got into him. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
It's called romance. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
You're a big tulip, our Mavis. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
It makes the world go round. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
It's all right when you're 16, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
but who wants a man round your neck at our age? | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
And where's Mr Newbold been hiding, then? Before you spotted him. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
Just around the corner, would you believe? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
He was there, all alone, and nobody said a word. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
He still looks lonely. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
I bet he's known tragedy in his life. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
If he hasn't, he soon will. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:30 | |
I shall be glad to get out of this suit. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
You'll be cooler when the sun goes down. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
I shall be cool enough with that Madge. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
She'd freeze anybody! | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
No, no, no, no - | 0:13:44 | 0:13:45 | |
the balloon, think of the balloon. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
The balloon is never wrong. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
Deep down inside you, you want this woman. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
You want to lift her up and you want to carry her away. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
It's the Tarzan thing. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
"Carry her away"! Where to? | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
To where all lovers want to go - to paradise, | 0:14:00 | 0:14:04 | |
to that little den that you have, you know, tucked away for her. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:09 | |
I used to rent this static caravan at Hornsea. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
Do you want a choc ice? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
Oh, I'd sooner have a cornet - with a great big lickable lump. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
We'll, that's you all over, ain't it, Gastric? | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Heh-heh-heh, hey? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:28 | |
You're a great big lickable lump. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:14:30 | 0:14:31 | |
That is the image that we want to give to Madge, ain't it, eh? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:36 | |
Ohh! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:39 | |
There we go. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
Oh-ho, ho! | 0:14:41 | 0:14:42 | |
Don't get it down your suit. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh, are you saying I'm a messy eater? | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
Only when you're eating. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
Because I want you looking your best for Madge tonight. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
-Well, I've given it all I've got. -Yes. Hah! | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
Looks like your dog's been giving it all he's got - | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
look at you, you're covered in dog hairs, look. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
Oh, that. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
I'm always covered in dogs' hairs. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
We have the solution - we have the solution. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
This little monster here will soon sort you out. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
You know, this is a combined vacuum cleaner and hairdryer | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
which means it sucks as well as it blows. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
Right, so... | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
IT WHIRS Ah! Here we go. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Oh! | 0:15:21 | 0:15:22 | |
Hey, hey, look at that! That's working. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
Hey, hey, hey... | 0:15:25 | 0:15:26 | |
SQUELCH Hey! Oh! | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Oh, hey! | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
Have you seen the power of this thing?! | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
Oh, heck. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:48 | |
I can't go on a date like this. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
I'll have to cancel. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:54 | |
No, no, not so fast. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
You can't cancel. No, er... | 0:15:57 | 0:16:02 | |
You'll wait until you've had the benefit | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
of the, er...Arkwright washing and pressing service. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:11 | |
How long we had one of those? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:12 | |
For years. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
We just didn't realise we had the equipment for it. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
WATER GUSHES | 0:16:18 | 0:16:19 | |
Is Gastric in there? | 0:16:21 | 0:16:22 | |
-Yeah. -Lock him in, lock him in. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
'Oi, hey, oi!' | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
Well, that's it, see? | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
Gastric oughtn't to see this professional bit. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
You see, to the layman it might look like we're mishandling his suit. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Yeah. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:51 | |
Yeah, I can see that. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
Here you are - c'mon, your turn. Keep it going. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
That's it, go on. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Well, put your back into it, you... | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Ha-hey, go on. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
But we haven't got chapped lips. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
They've not had that much wear and tear. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
No, but chapped lips in North Korean | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
is loosely translated as "kiss me" lips. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:22 | |
Can you see blokes wearing this stuff? | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
Giving it a quick touch up when they pass a mirror? | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
They'll soon start getting fidgety at the darts club. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:30 | |
No, no, no, it's invisible - people don't know you're wearing it. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
What are you saying it does, exactly? | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
Or even roughly? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:37 | |
Listen, you've got to open your minds. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:40 | |
I'm open-minded. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
I like Chinese food. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:44 | |
I like to think I'm free of any prejudice. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Except for people from Warrington... | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
which I think is understandable. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
Mm, yeah. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
This stuff was working its magic before there even was a Warrington. | 0:17:56 | 0:18:01 | |
I'm inclined to like it already. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
I don't know how it works, | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
but this powerful lotion tends to draw people to your lips. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:11 | |
I wouldn't want to be wearing it | 0:18:11 | 0:18:12 | |
when I pass that bloke at the Post Office. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
Could we narrow it down a bit? | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
Yes - people of the opposite sex. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
Oh, you're moving into my sphere of interest, now. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
This attracts people that you're close to. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
You apply it on your lips, and as soon as you have, | 0:18:26 | 0:18:30 | |
your nearest and dearest will start to pucker. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
She'll go... | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
Give over! | 0:19:01 | 0:19:02 | |
Hey, get real. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
Stop acting like a pair of local yokels, you two. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
There's a thousand years of oriental magic behind this stuff. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:15 | |
They have some funny ideas, it's true. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
Well, as far as I can see, it's the same idea as us - | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
they just go about it in a funnier way. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
You see, they were skilled in the arts of love | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
when we were still painting by numbers. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Aye, and some of us still are. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
But that will change once your partner finds that she can't resist. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:37 | |
I'll try one. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:44 | |
You must be barmy. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:45 | |
Ah, go on, then, make it two. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Ugh... | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
We'll never get it dry enough! | 0:20:05 | 0:20:06 | |
They managed in the old days. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Oh - and what about pressing? | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
That's been arranged. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:11 | |
You're doing it. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
I only do a bit of ironing - normal laundry. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
Well, now's your chance to move up to the next level, ain't it? | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
Does that come with more money? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:22 | |
You see, Leroy, you've got to look at it this way - | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
one day all of this, and that, will be yours. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
So, by not giving you a raise I am building up your nest egg. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:33 | |
So, technically, you could say that I am working for you. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:37 | |
Oh! | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
All right, then - but don't expect a raise. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
Oh, no. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
-SHOUTING: -Is my suit ready yet? | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
No, no, no - give us a chance, will you? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
This is never going to get the water out. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
Well, we need more intelligent use of what's available. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
You know, I never did get to finish that ice cream. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
-Oh, go on - help yourself. -Oh! | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
'What's the matter with them all?! | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
'Something's going on.' | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
I don't know what... | 0:21:20 | 0:21:21 | |
I passed Cyril in the street - | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
he looked like his lips were going wild. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
Well, now, that's funny, | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
because I've just seen Eric and he was pushing his lips about. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
I thought, "I hope you're not aiming those at me." | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
-They look like they've been sucking a lemon. -Yes, but why? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
And not the same lemon, one would hope. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
-There's some very strange things going on in this neighbourhood. -Mm! | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
Sharing a lemon... | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
not the sort of thing you should be seen doing in the street. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
Ladies, what is your pleasure? | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
Oh, well, thank you for asking, Granville... | 0:21:52 | 0:21:56 | |
but I think I'll do me shopping first. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
Now, Granville, if Mr Newbold comes in here on his own, | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
turn him round and send him home. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
I can't do that! | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
Of course he can't do that. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
I don't like him spending unsupervised. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
I promised his mother I'd look after him. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
You never knew his mother. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Well, I would've promised, had we met. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
BELL CHIMES | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
Oh, good day, ladies. Sugar, Granville. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
I'll get it, I know where it is. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:22:31 | 0:22:32 | |
Oh... | 0:22:34 | 0:22:35 | |
He wanted an ice cream. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:43 | |
Well, he looks cool enough to me. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:47 | |
Are you all right, love? | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
I hope you only got a brief glimpse. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Now, in situations like this, | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
I always think it's best to look them straight in the eye. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
I'm sorry for losing it, | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
but you don't see many of those on your baking shelf. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
You just caught him between trousers. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
I never touched him! | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
That was always my policy - unless there was a medical reason. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:11 | |
Don't worry, he'll be fully clad within the hour. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Oh, I'm pleased to hear it - | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
I was worried you might be keeping him for display purposes. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
I'm sure there'd be little demand for what he were advertising. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
Now... | 0:23:26 | 0:23:27 | |
Oh! | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
Ooh-ah! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:33 | |
Ah-ah... | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
Ooh, ha, ah-ah-ah-ah! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
-Ooh! -Ooh, ooh! | 0:23:37 | 0:23:38 | |
Agh! | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
How am I meant to press this? | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
Perfectly. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:44 | |
And get a move on - | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
I've got to keep Gastric away from this suit until it is presentable. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:51 | |
He's going to be away a long time. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
BELL CHIMES | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
Where's Gastric? | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
Er, we're keeping him in the privy. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
Is that legal? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
No, not forever - it's just until his suit's ready, | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
he tends to excite the ladies. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
It's not working with Madge. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
She's still coming tonight, though? | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Yes - to keep an eye on you and me. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
Oh, right, well, it's a start. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
I mean, you know, if she likes going out in a foursome. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
I wouldn't exactly say "likes", | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
but she thinks it's better than you and me going off on our own. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
Where does she get these attitudes from? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
She's not wanted for war crimes anywhere, is she? | 0:24:28 | 0:24:32 | |
Nobody's perfect. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:33 | |
No. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
Well, anyway, it's progress. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
I thought she might back out entirely | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
when she knew her date was Gastric. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
Ah, well, yes - did I actually tell her? | 0:24:41 | 0:24:45 | |
I intended to, but...I got busy - you know how it is. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
I like your eyes. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
Oh, they're just eyes. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Not from this side. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
THEY CHUCKLE | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
BELL CHIMES | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
Is it ready? | 0:25:09 | 0:25:10 | |
Tell me it's ready! There's a lot riding on that suit. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Ta-da! | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
Oh, yes, What a good job. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
Well, it's all in the wrist. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Any good presser will tell you that. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
He'll be a right girlie magnet, won't he, hey? | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
Clean, well-pressed, smart. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
Got to be worth something - even to Madge. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
What time you going out? | 0:25:29 | 0:25:30 | |
When we close. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
Be a couple of, er, you know... | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
-get-to-know-you drinks. -Mm-hm. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
Back to their place for a bit of...late supper, and, um... | 0:25:38 | 0:25:44 | |
don't wait up. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:45 | |
SPINE CRACKS Oh...! | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
Mm... | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
Now, the question is, do we feed Gastric before we go? | 0:25:59 | 0:26:04 | |
I'd hate to turn him loose at Madge's if he's hungry. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
Ey-up! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
That North Korea, it's going to be a big name in loving circles. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
Save me a dozen. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
Well, are you coming out, or what? | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
That's if you've got time to wait. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
At that speed, he's not your dashing lover, is he? | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
-I expect he's being careful not to spoil his creases. -Mm. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:39 | |
Oh...oh! | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
Agh... | 0:26:43 | 0:26:44 | |
Oh! Aah! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
Oh... | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
Ngh... | 0:26:48 | 0:26:49 | |
You've ruined his suit. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:50 | |
Me?! | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
That's inferior material, that is. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
It's got a grip like a boa constrictor. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
I think supper's off... | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
There's no room for aught else in here. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
Augh! | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
Nicely cleaned and pressed, though - let's be fair. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
Wait - sit down, if it's painful. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
-There. -Sitting down's not all that easy. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
Oh...oh.... | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
-TROUSERS RIP -Oh! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
-BOTH: -Oh! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
Oh! | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
'It's going to be a tricky suit to get out of. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
'I wonder if he'll have to live in it forever.' | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
Did you enjoy wrestling? | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
You can forget that stuff till I get a ring on this finger. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:56 | |
'Under the circumstances, I think I'm going to have to forget | 0:28:03 | 0:28:07 | |
'that Gastric still owes me for that ice cream. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:11 | |
' "Open at the other end." | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
'Hm! | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
'I should've stuck that on Gastric's trousers.' | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 |