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Episode 4

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LineFromTo

Well, Leroy, what do you see?

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You, rubbing your hands together like some old money grabber.

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Less of the "old".

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Anyway, rubbing your hands together

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is a grocer's ancient spiritual practice.

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Spiritual?

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Yes, it's the small shopkeeper's form of yoga.

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I learnt that from the "ma-ma-ma" master.

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You know, there are some experts who can rub their way

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to a transcendental state of pure avarice.

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Ooh!

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-Don't you have to sit cross-legged?

-Mm?

-Mm?

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Oh, yes, sometimes -

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as long as you're not near the bacon slicer.

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HE SNIFFS

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Wait for it, will you?

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BELL CHIMES

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Oh!

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You're early, Mr Newbold.

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Oh, you have to be, if you want to get here on your own,

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unaccompanied...

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-free.

-Heh!

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How is Mrs Featherstone?

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Relentless.

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Oh, dear.

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Yes, anyway, er, would you excuse us for just a moment, sir?

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Come here, you.

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-Take your time, I'm enjoying the lack of companionship.

-Yes.

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Now, listen, what is your opinion of Mrs Featherstone?

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Frightening.

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Mm, yes, agreed.

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But don't you think that she'd make a perfect partner for Mr Newbold?

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Why do you care?

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Well, because whenever Mrs Featherstone

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hasn't got a man in tow, she looks hungrily at me.

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Ah!

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May I be the first to wish you both every happiness?

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Thank you.

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Oh! Jeez.

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Now, what can I help you with, er, Mr Newbold?

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I think I'm beyond help.

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Oh, really? We've got some nice kippers.

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She doesn't like kippers.

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-What about you?

-Oh, she likes me, that's the problem.

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You lucky devil.

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I have seen men crawling across that doorway on their hands and knees

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broken in spirit because she has rejected them.

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I missed that. Must've been out.

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Well, if one comes in again, broken in spirit,

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ask him how he managed it.

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Now, Mr Newbold, don't be hasty,

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I know that she no longer is a professional wrestler...

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What?

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She no longer wrestles professionally -

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but she would keep you safe, Mr Newbold.

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A sound woman in so many ways.

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Mostly in my way.

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Yeah, well, she runs a neat ship - housekeeper of the year 2004,

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her place is spotless.

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No wonder.

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She's never in it - she's always in mine.

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Oh! Mr Newbold, kippers...

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Your... I've got some very nice...

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Damn.

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"No longer wrestles professionally"?

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Hmm? You get worse, you do.

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Oh...

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He got away.

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BELL CHIMES

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Delivery.

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Where do you want it?

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Oh, just drop it here.

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CRASH

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One item. Sign here.

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Can we accept the possibility that the contents might be damaged?

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Why should they be damaged?

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Guess.

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-You want me to lift it?

-Mm.

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With my back? A thing that size?!

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HE LAUGHS

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No.

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-I shall sign it unexamined, hmm?

-Mm.

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You don't walk like you've got a bad back.

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I fight through the pain, don't I?

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Until it gets too much for me.

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Agh...!

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Hullo! What's this, then?

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It's your lucky dip.

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It's that mystery lot you bought, sight unseen.

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Guaranteed to contain items worth more than I paid for it.

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You know, that Madge...

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she desperately need the comfort of a man in her life.

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Well, there's Gastric.

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He could be a comfort in your life,

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-providing you've got a tail you can wag.

-Mm.

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I think Madge has got a tail...

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and it's forked.

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He's no experience with women.

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He was married.

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She left him on their honeymoon.

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Not till midweek.

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He's a warm-hearted, decent human being -

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internally.

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The outside needs a bit of work.

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Well, who else is good-hearted enough -

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or should I say, daft enough - to tackle her?

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I was thinking that I might organise the four of us on a...on a date.

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-You're not getting me out on a...!

-No, not you!

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Not you and me.

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-What...?!

-No!

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I meant me and Mavis and Gastric and Madge.

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-Oh!

-Mm.

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Madge'll never go for that.

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But what if it were a blind date

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and she wouldn't know who were coming?

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-Oh!

-Mm!

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Now, that is sneaky.

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Just one of the weapons in a small shopkeeper's armoury.

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HE CHUCKLES Eh?

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Oh...

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I've been up half the night with...

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Gastric, you're just the man.

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..an upset stomach.

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I must've eaten something.

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Eaten something?! You eat everything.

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Rubbish.

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Oh, we have that for lunch.

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Right, now...

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I want you to blow in that,

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blow it up and then pinch it by the neck.

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Could I ask what for?

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Look, save your breath for blowing.

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Just, er, blow it up - just do it.

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-Ugh...

-Good. Right.

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What's all this about?

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Yeah, I was wondering that.

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Ah, thank you.

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Diagnosis.

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We're going to find out what is wrong with Gastric's digestive system.

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With a balloon?

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This is more than a balloon now, ain't it?

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It's got you inside it.

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It's got all your molecules, your DNA -

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it can even tell what you had for supper last night,

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all we've got to do is to listen to it.

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Listen to what?

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To you coming out of the balloon.

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You don't want to be trapped in there all day, do you?

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Now, wait a minute...

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Don't fight it, Gastric.

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It's bigger than the both of us.

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Look, just-just be quiet, will you?

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Listen to what it tells us about Gastric.

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What can a balloon tell us about me?

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Everything!

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The ancient Egyptians,

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they built their entire medical knowledge on this sort of thing.

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The ancient Egyptians had balloons?

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Mainly for, er, birthdays and stag nights.

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No, they did not -

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they had bladders of goats and of camels, right?

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Now, unless you want to wait for a camel to come through here,

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can we get on?

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Go on, I'll give it a go.

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Right, quiet please.

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It takes concentration, this.

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BALLOON SQUEAKS

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HE MIMICS SQUEAKING

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BALLOON SQUEAKS

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PFFFRT

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You heard that? Obvious, ain't it, eh?

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You're lovesick.

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-Lovesick?

-Mm-hm.

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It's a stomach problem.

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Yes, well, that's where the deepest love lies, doesn't it?

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Right down there in the...in the belly.

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I mean, who said that?

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Probably William Shakespeare.

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Or was it Mr Arnold Smethwick of Wolverhampton?

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Who am I supposed to be in love with?

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Well, it's obvious - it was Madge, wasn't it?

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Didn't you hear it? Didn't you hear the balloon?

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When it went like that, it went, "Maaaaadge!"

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I've sent Gastric home to get his best suit on.

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I want him looking sharp for his date tonight.

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You think Madge will turn up?

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Oh, yes, Madge will turn up -

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even if it's only just to annoy me and Mavis.

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Till she sees Gastric.

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Supposing we hit her with a more sophisticated, suave -

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dare I say, elegant - Gastric, eh? Mm...

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Cos you know that ladies like surprises, don't they?

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I wouldn't dare.

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Right, what have we got here?

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The Pyongyang Cosmetic Company?

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What the heck have you bought?

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"North Korea's first venture into the beauty industry."

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"352 tubes of invisible lip salve for chapped lips...

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"in three flavours."

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Yeah, well, that's good - choice, choice, three...

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what are the flavours?

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"Peasant flags unfurling"...

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Yes, yes, good.

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"Death to capitalism"...

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..and "the east is cerise".

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Well, that's catchy. HE CHUCKLES

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Well, forget the flavours and concentrate on the product, hey?

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It's not winter. Who gets chapped lips?

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Well, we don't need to say that they are FOR chapped lips, do we?

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-For what, then?

-Mm...

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We'll think of something.

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Wait!

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What do I need with bullets?

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It's not a bullet.

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It's a love charm from North Korea.

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Who told you that twaddle?!

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At the shop.

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Listen, whatever your name is...

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Call me Mick.

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Take it back to North Korea.

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Take it personally and ask for a refund.

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You've forgotten the magic, haven't you?

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That...

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That thing we had.

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I squeezed your boil.

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If ever I got another one, I swore I'd be back.

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I've retired -

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from nursing, from boils and especially from dozy men.

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Well, at least take the flowers.

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What am I going to do with the flowers?

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Don't tempt me.

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Yes.

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It's coming.

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The new image is coming.

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GASTRIC CHUCKLES

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Some way still to go.

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Yes, yes...but, er, you know, you're given top marks for trying.

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The man is looking tastier, isn't he?

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Gorgeous - even charismatic wouldn't be going too far.

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Oh, you think?

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Tell him, Leroy.

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Well, I think it's a good suit.

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It must be - look how long he's made it last.

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Oh, they don't make 'em like this any more.

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No! Thank goodness, no.

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Well, who's he when he's at home?

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Remind me. How did you meet him?

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I've told you - he says I once squeezed his boil.

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Oh, that's one boy-meets-girl story

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that's never going to be made into a film.

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I can't think what's got into him.

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It's called romance.

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You're a big tulip, our Mavis.

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It makes the world go round.

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It's all right when you're 16,

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but who wants a man round your neck at our age?

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And where's Mr Newbold been hiding, then? Before you spotted him.

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Just around the corner, would you believe?

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He was there, all alone, and nobody said a word.

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He still looks lonely.

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I bet he's known tragedy in his life.

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If he hasn't, he soon will.

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I shall be glad to get out of this suit.

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You'll be cooler when the sun goes down.

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I shall be cool enough with that Madge.

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She'd freeze anybody!

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No, no, no, no -

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the balloon, think of the balloon.

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The balloon is never wrong.

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Deep down inside you, you want this woman.

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You want to lift her up and you want to carry her away.

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It's the Tarzan thing.

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"Carry her away"! Where to?

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To where all lovers want to go - to paradise,

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to that little den that you have, you know, tucked away for her.

0:14:040:14:09

I used to rent this static caravan at Hornsea.

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Do you want a choc ice?

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Oh, I'd sooner have a cornet - with a great big lickable lump.

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We'll, that's you all over, ain't it, Gastric?

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Heh-heh-heh, hey?

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You're a great big lickable lump.

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HE CHUCKLES

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That is the image that we want to give to Madge, ain't it, eh?

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Ohh!

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There we go.

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Oh-ho, ho!

0:14:410:14:42

Don't get it down your suit.

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Oh, are you saying I'm a messy eater?

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Only when you're eating.

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Because I want you looking your best for Madge tonight.

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-Well, I've given it all I've got.

-Yes. Hah!

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Looks like your dog's been giving it all he's got -

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look at you, you're covered in dog hairs, look.

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Oh, that.

0:14:590:15:00

I'm always covered in dogs' hairs.

0:15:000:15:03

We have the solution - we have the solution.

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This little monster here will soon sort you out.

0:15:050:15:08

You know, this is a combined vacuum cleaner and hairdryer

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which means it sucks as well as it blows.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Right, so...

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IT WHIRS Ah! Here we go.

0:15:180:15:20

Oh!

0:15:210:15:22

Hey, hey, look at that! That's working.

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Hey, hey, hey...

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SQUELCH Hey! Oh!

0:15:260:15:28

Oh, hey!

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Have you seen the power of this thing?!

0:15:330:15:35

Oh, heck.

0:15:470:15:48

I can't go on a date like this.

0:15:500:15:53

I'll have to cancel.

0:15:530:15:54

No, no, not so fast.

0:15:550:15:57

You can't cancel. No, er...

0:15:570:16:02

You'll wait until you've had the benefit

0:16:030:16:06

of the, er...Arkwright washing and pressing service.

0:16:060:16:11

How long we had one of those?

0:16:110:16:12

For years.

0:16:120:16:14

We just didn't realise we had the equipment for it.

0:16:140:16:17

WATER GUSHES

0:16:180:16:19

Is Gastric in there?

0:16:210:16:22

-Yeah.

-Lock him in, lock him in.

0:16:220:16:25

'Oi, hey, oi!'

0:16:250:16:27

Well, that's it, see?

0:16:280:16:30

Gastric oughtn't to see this professional bit.

0:16:300:16:34

You see, to the layman it might look like we're mishandling his suit.

0:16:400:16:44

Yeah.

0:16:500:16:51

Yeah, I can see that.

0:16:510:16:53

Here you are - c'mon, your turn. Keep it going.

0:16:530:16:56

That's it, go on.

0:16:560:16:58

Well, put your back into it, you...

0:17:000:17:02

Ha-hey, go on.

0:17:020:17:04

But we haven't got chapped lips.

0:17:080:17:11

They've not had that much wear and tear.

0:17:110:17:13

No, but chapped lips in North Korean

0:17:140:17:17

is loosely translated as "kiss me" lips.

0:17:170:17:22

Can you see blokes wearing this stuff?

0:17:220:17:24

Giving it a quick touch up when they pass a mirror?

0:17:240:17:26

They'll soon start getting fidgety at the darts club.

0:17:260:17:30

No, no, no, it's invisible - people don't know you're wearing it.

0:17:300:17:34

What are you saying it does, exactly?

0:17:340:17:36

Or even roughly?

0:17:360:17:37

Listen, you've got to open your minds.

0:17:390:17:40

I'm open-minded.

0:17:400:17:43

I like Chinese food.

0:17:430:17:44

I like to think I'm free of any prejudice.

0:17:460:17:49

Except for people from Warrington...

0:17:490:17:52

which I think is understandable.

0:17:520:17:55

Mm, yeah.

0:17:550:17:56

This stuff was working its magic before there even was a Warrington.

0:17:560:18:01

I'm inclined to like it already.

0:18:010:18:04

I don't know how it works,

0:18:040:18:06

but this powerful lotion tends to draw people to your lips.

0:18:060:18:11

I wouldn't want to be wearing it

0:18:110:18:12

when I pass that bloke at the Post Office.

0:18:120:18:15

Could we narrow it down a bit?

0:18:160:18:18

Yes - people of the opposite sex.

0:18:180:18:20

Oh, you're moving into my sphere of interest, now.

0:18:200:18:23

This attracts people that you're close to.

0:18:230:18:26

You apply it on your lips, and as soon as you have,

0:18:260:18:30

your nearest and dearest will start to pucker.

0:18:300:18:33

She'll go...

0:18:330:18:35

Give over!

0:19:010:19:02

Hey, get real.

0:19:020:19:04

Stop acting like a pair of local yokels, you two.

0:19:060:19:10

There's a thousand years of oriental magic behind this stuff.

0:19:100:19:15

They have some funny ideas, it's true.

0:19:150:19:18

Well, as far as I can see, it's the same idea as us -

0:19:180:19:21

they just go about it in a funnier way.

0:19:210:19:23

You see, they were skilled in the arts of love

0:19:230:19:26

when we were still painting by numbers.

0:19:260:19:28

Aye, and some of us still are.

0:19:280:19:31

But that will change once your partner finds that she can't resist.

0:19:310:19:37

I'll try one.

0:19:430:19:44

You must be barmy.

0:19:440:19:45

Ah, go on, then, make it two.

0:19:500:19:52

Ugh...

0:19:570:19:59

We'll never get it dry enough!

0:20:050:20:06

They managed in the old days.

0:20:060:20:08

Oh - and what about pressing?

0:20:080:20:10

That's been arranged.

0:20:100:20:11

You're doing it.

0:20:110:20:13

I only do a bit of ironing - normal laundry.

0:20:130:20:17

Well, now's your chance to move up to the next level, ain't it?

0:20:170:20:21

Does that come with more money?

0:20:210:20:22

You see, Leroy, you've got to look at it this way -

0:20:220:20:25

one day all of this, and that, will be yours.

0:20:250:20:28

So, by not giving you a raise I am building up your nest egg.

0:20:280:20:33

So, technically, you could say that I am working for you.

0:20:330:20:37

Oh!

0:20:380:20:40

All right, then - but don't expect a raise.

0:20:400:20:43

Oh, no.

0:20:430:20:44

-SHOUTING:

-Is my suit ready yet?

0:20:440:20:46

No, no, no - give us a chance, will you?

0:20:460:20:48

This is never going to get the water out.

0:20:500:20:52

Well, we need more intelligent use of what's available.

0:20:520:20:56

You know, I never did get to finish that ice cream.

0:21:090:21:12

-Oh, go on - help yourself.

-Oh!

0:21:120:21:15

'What's the matter with them all?!

0:21:160:21:18

'Something's going on.'

0:21:180:21:20

I don't know what...

0:21:200:21:21

I passed Cyril in the street -

0:21:230:21:24

he looked like his lips were going wild.

0:21:240:21:27

Well, now, that's funny,

0:21:270:21:28

because I've just seen Eric and he was pushing his lips about.

0:21:280:21:32

I thought, "I hope you're not aiming those at me."

0:21:320:21:35

-They look like they've been sucking a lemon.

-Yes, but why?

0:21:350:21:38

And not the same lemon, one would hope.

0:21:380:21:41

-There's some very strange things going on in this neighbourhood.

-Mm!

0:21:410:21:44

Sharing a lemon...

0:21:440:21:46

not the sort of thing you should be seen doing in the street.

0:21:460:21:49

Ladies, what is your pleasure?

0:21:490:21:52

Oh, well, thank you for asking, Granville...

0:21:520:21:56

but I think I'll do me shopping first.

0:21:560:21:59

Now, Granville, if Mr Newbold comes in here on his own,

0:22:030:22:06

turn him round and send him home.

0:22:060:22:08

I can't do that!

0:22:080:22:10

Of course he can't do that.

0:22:100:22:12

I don't like him spending unsupervised.

0:22:120:22:15

I promised his mother I'd look after him.

0:22:150:22:18

You never knew his mother.

0:22:180:22:20

Well, I would've promised, had we met.

0:22:200:22:22

BELL CHIMES

0:22:220:22:24

Oh, good day, ladies. Sugar, Granville.

0:22:240:22:27

I'll get it, I know where it is.

0:22:270:22:29

SHE SCREAMS

0:22:310:22:32

Oh...

0:22:340:22:35

He wanted an ice cream.

0:22:420:22:43

Well, he looks cool enough to me.

0:22:460:22:47

Are you all right, love?

0:22:490:22:51

I hope you only got a brief glimpse.

0:22:510:22:53

Now, in situations like this,

0:22:530:22:55

I always think it's best to look them straight in the eye.

0:22:550:22:57

I'm sorry for losing it,

0:22:570:22:59

but you don't see many of those on your baking shelf.

0:22:590:23:02

You just caught him between trousers.

0:23:020:23:05

I never touched him!

0:23:050:23:06

That was always my policy - unless there was a medical reason.

0:23:070:23:11

Don't worry, he'll be fully clad within the hour.

0:23:110:23:14

Oh, I'm pleased to hear it -

0:23:140:23:16

I was worried you might be keeping him for display purposes.

0:23:160:23:19

I'm sure there'd be little demand for what he were advertising.

0:23:190:23:22

Now...

0:23:260:23:27

Oh!

0:23:270:23:29

HE COUGHS

0:23:290:23:30

Ooh-ah!

0:23:320:23:33

Ah-ah...

0:23:330:23:35

Ooh, ha, ah-ah-ah-ah!

0:23:350:23:37

-Ooh!

-Ooh, ooh!

0:23:370:23:38

Agh!

0:23:380:23:39

How am I meant to press this?

0:23:410:23:43

Perfectly.

0:23:430:23:44

And get a move on -

0:23:440:23:46

I've got to keep Gastric away from this suit until it is presentable.

0:23:460:23:51

He's going to be away a long time.

0:23:510:23:53

BELL CHIMES

0:23:530:23:55

Where's Gastric?

0:23:570:23:59

Er, we're keeping him in the privy.

0:23:590:24:01

Is that legal?

0:24:010:24:02

No, not forever - it's just until his suit's ready,

0:24:020:24:05

he tends to excite the ladies.

0:24:050:24:08

It's not working with Madge.

0:24:080:24:10

She's still coming tonight, though?

0:24:100:24:12

Yes - to keep an eye on you and me.

0:24:120:24:14

Oh, right, well, it's a start.

0:24:140:24:17

I mean, you know, if she likes going out in a foursome.

0:24:170:24:20

I wouldn't exactly say "likes",

0:24:200:24:22

but she thinks it's better than you and me going off on our own.

0:24:220:24:25

Where does she get these attitudes from?

0:24:250:24:28

She's not wanted for war crimes anywhere, is she?

0:24:280:24:32

Nobody's perfect.

0:24:320:24:33

No.

0:24:330:24:35

Well, anyway, it's progress.

0:24:350:24:37

I thought she might back out entirely

0:24:370:24:39

when she knew her date was Gastric.

0:24:390:24:41

Ah, well, yes - did I actually tell her?

0:24:410:24:45

I intended to, but...I got busy - you know how it is.

0:24:450:24:49

I like your eyes.

0:24:510:24:53

Oh, they're just eyes.

0:24:530:24:55

Not from this side.

0:24:550:24:57

THEY CHUCKLE

0:24:570:24:58

BELL CHIMES

0:25:020:25:04

Is it ready?

0:25:090:25:10

Tell me it's ready! There's a lot riding on that suit.

0:25:100:25:13

Ta-da!

0:25:130:25:15

Oh, yes, What a good job.

0:25:150:25:18

Well, it's all in the wrist.

0:25:180:25:20

Any good presser will tell you that.

0:25:200:25:22

He'll be a right girlie magnet, won't he, hey?

0:25:220:25:25

Clean, well-pressed, smart.

0:25:250:25:27

Got to be worth something - even to Madge.

0:25:270:25:29

What time you going out?

0:25:290:25:30

When we close.

0:25:300:25:32

Be a couple of, er, you know...

0:25:330:25:35

-get-to-know-you drinks.

-Mm-hm.

0:25:350:25:38

Back to their place for a bit of...late supper, and, um...

0:25:380:25:44

don't wait up.

0:25:440:25:45

SPINE CRACKS Oh...!

0:25:490:25:51

Mm...

0:25:570:25:59

Now, the question is, do we feed Gastric before we go?

0:25:590:26:04

I'd hate to turn him loose at Madge's if he's hungry.

0:26:040:26:08

Ey-up!

0:26:090:26:10

That North Korea, it's going to be a big name in loving circles.

0:26:100:26:14

Save me a dozen.

0:26:140:26:16

Well, are you coming out, or what?

0:26:260:26:28

That's if you've got time to wait.

0:26:280:26:30

At that speed, he's not your dashing lover, is he?

0:26:310:26:34

-I expect he's being careful not to spoil his creases.

-Mm.

0:26:340:26:39

Oh...oh!

0:26:410:26:43

Agh...

0:26:430:26:44

Oh! Aah!

0:26:440:26:46

Oh...

0:26:460:26:48

Ngh...

0:26:480:26:49

You've ruined his suit.

0:26:490:26:50

Me?!

0:26:500:26:52

That's inferior material, that is.

0:26:520:26:55

It's got a grip like a boa constrictor.

0:26:550:26:58

I think supper's off...

0:26:580:27:00

There's no room for aught else in here.

0:27:000:27:03

Augh!

0:27:030:27:04

Nicely cleaned and pressed, though - let's be fair.

0:27:040:27:07

Wait - sit down, if it's painful.

0:27:080:27:11

-There.

-Sitting down's not all that easy.

0:27:130:27:16

Oh...oh....

0:27:160:27:18

-TROUSERS RIP

-Oh!

0:27:180:27:20

-BOTH:

-Oh!

0:27:250:27:27

Oh!

0:27:280:27:30

'It's going to be a tricky suit to get out of.

0:27:420:27:44

'I wonder if he'll have to live in it forever.'

0:27:450:27:48

Did you enjoy wrestling?

0:27:500:27:52

You can forget that stuff till I get a ring on this finger.

0:27:520:27:56

'Under the circumstances, I think I'm going to have to forget

0:28:030:28:07

'that Gastric still owes me for that ice cream.

0:28:070:28:11

' "Open at the other end."

0:28:130:28:16

'Hm!

0:28:160:28:18

'I should've stuck that on Gastric's trousers.'

0:28:180:28:21

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