Browse content similar to Episode 4. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Go on, go and chat her up. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
Remember, you're a great lover. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
Your father was a great lover. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
He never said. How do you know? | 0:00:09 | 0:00:13 | |
Can't wait to hear this bit. | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
Well, all the ladies knew where he had a mole. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
In the garden. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
No... Not the one in the garden, no, the one on his... | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
-Gets better. -It runs in the family. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Uncle Willie, he had one. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
Well, there you are, you see. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:34 | |
It's in your blood. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
Now, go and tell her that she makes your heart swell. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
It's the elbow usually. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
Are you telling me I've got tennis heart? | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
No, no... Look, quick, before she gets away. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
Go and tell her you like her hair. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
I like your elbow. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Eurgh! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
She's not in a good mood. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
She's been hearing noises in the night. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
There's something going off in that house. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
Not as much as there could be | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
if only you would open yourself up to new experiences. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:09 | |
Oh, come on, they're daft as brushes. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Where is this mole exactly? | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
You heard, in his garden. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
Oh! | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
TILL RINGS | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
COINS CLATTER | 0:01:53 | 0:01:59 | |
Ha! HE CHUCKLES | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
There you go. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:11 | |
-Good morning. -No, it isn't. -No, it's not. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
We've just agreed that. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Because a man needs a woman in his life. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
I need one out of mine. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Sorry. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
I know what you mean, so a transfer's out of the question. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
Well, don't look at me. I'm not on the transfer list. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
You know what the trouble is? | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
We don't give the day a chance to get started | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
-before we leap straight into it. -You leap straight into it? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
I've only seen you ever creep and stagger. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
I deny being a creep. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Ask anybody, except Mr Richardson, | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
who caught me struggling with his daughter. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
I was trying to escape. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
I know the feeling. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
She's a big girl. I'm lucky to be alive. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
I hope you haven't lost us another customer. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
You've got to learn to resist their advances | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
while keeping their weekly order. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
She only ever came in for small items. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
Well, she got that bit right with you, then. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
Does she know that we do delivery on request? | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
She was working on that assumption. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
I have to be up early. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
The dog won't lie in. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Where did your father have a mole? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Between his leeks and his potting shed. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
I like being up at this time. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
When the world is fresh and Mrs Featherstone free. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
It's my quality time. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
Well, you won't do better than that good woman. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
HE SCOFFS | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Good woman. They don't call her the Black Widow... | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
I notice you keep backing off from her. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
The dedicated grocer has to remain celibate. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
We who handle people's perishables have to be above suspicion. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:07 | |
Thank you, Humphrey. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
You may return to your station. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
-Someone's having fun. -He's more efficient than you are. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
He's my new advertising gimmick. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
You know, I can feel myself going paler and paler. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
I look like an unfried chip. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
It's hard to be efficient because I get no sun. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
It only overstimulate the hormones. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
They're notorious for it when there's plenty of sun. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
A person needs a certain amount. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
That Mrs Mauritz, | 0:04:44 | 0:04:45 | |
she avoided a nasty sunburn only by being in the shade... | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
of a Turkish waiter. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
I'm going to look like Dracula. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
Dracula, eh? | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
Sinister but still the women found him attractive. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
What if Gastric looked a bit more sinister? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:07 | |
Gastric looks more like a friendly Labrador. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
He'd get more respect from Madge | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
if he had a touch of the nasties from Transylvania. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
You think about it. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:19 | |
Eh, you need to think about how we can get rid of these | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
individual Christmas puddings you bought out of season. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:26 | |
I know... The price was right. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
-WOMAN: -Save me a small brown cob. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
You see what happens? | 0:05:39 | 0:05:40 | |
You start talking about Dracula and the next thing you know, | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
a disembodied voice is after your small brown cobs. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:47 | |
10-1, that small brown cob of Mrs Alsop... | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
The invisible Mrs Alsop. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
First Dracula, now Mrs Alsop, the invisible. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
I think you half believe this stuff. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
All I know is the mysterious, the unexplainable, | 0:06:03 | 0:06:08 | |
is often staring us in the face. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
I know that's what your VAT inspector thinks. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Out of season Christmas puddings? | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
No, it's a sneak preview of next season's Christmas puddings. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
How is Mr Newbold? | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
Slippery. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
I volunteered to do his ironing, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:39 | |
but he seems reluctant to let me anywhere near his boxers. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:44 | |
My old granny used to read tea leaves, | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
but I found you can read a man much better by his choice of underwear. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
Beware of jockey shorts. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
They should come with a health warning. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
I've had three husbands, all in boxers, or even baggier, | 0:06:54 | 0:06:58 | |
the time it takes them to work their way out | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
gives a girl time to reconsider. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
Ah, Cyril's head. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
I hope it's brought the rest of you with it. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
I'm not buying. I'm just asking. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
It says, "Ask inside." | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
Well, technically, you're not inside, are you? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
So, come on, come in. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
I'm not buying. Do you understand? | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
Yes, I know, you've already said that. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
You don't need to repeat yourself. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
Once you've been in this shop a few times you develop a certain caution. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
I'm only asking, mind you. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
What's this high-energy food breakthrough? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
Christmas puddings? | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
It's hardly the season. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
That's because you think these are ordinary Christmas puddings. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
Why don't we do something different? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
Because we'd still be the same people. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
How different is that? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
There's a flaw in that logic somewhere. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
OK, why don't we do something that's not different more often? | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
I thought you'd never ask. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
I'll provide the wallpaper and paint. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
Forget it. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:36 | |
This particular brand has only ever been seen | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
since those flying saucers were seen hovering over Mexborough. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:51 | |
Because an eyewitness said they looked more like pudding basins. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
Christmas puddings of alien origin? | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
Dropped by a basin-shaped spaceship? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Over Mexborough? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
Not just over Mexborough, but as far afield as Adwick-on-Dearne. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:14 | |
Why would aliens be dropping Christmas puddings anywhere? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
I'm glad you asked me that because at first it puzzled me, | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
but then you began to see the diabolical cleverness of it. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:28 | |
-It escapes me. -And me. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
This stuff looks harmless, but it contains a secret ingredient | 0:09:36 | 0:09:41 | |
that turned people onto the single-minded pursuit of pleasure. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:47 | |
In Mexborough? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Well, today Mexborough, tomorrow the world. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
You see? | 0:09:58 | 0:09:59 | |
Whilst everybody is having fun and making... | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
You know, making whoopee. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
..the aliens would have landed. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
How come you know all this stuff? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
Because the government is having to work closely with the grocers' federation. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
They need our expertise, which is why I'm authorised to sell... | 0:10:16 | 0:10:21 | |
Well, to selected, responsible people only. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:25 | |
Sounds like us. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
Can't argue with that. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
Well, it's people in our professional grocers' judgment | 0:10:33 | 0:10:37 | |
will be able to handle the effects. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:41 | |
The loss of all inhibitions. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
Ooh! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Obviously, you can't just let these go to anybody. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
You'll have people going crazy, making whoopee. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Would that be people of both genders? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
Yes, yes. And any in between. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
This harmless looking piece of duff is basically your Viagra. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:19 | |
Although, we recommend that you use it with... | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
-Well, a little... -Champagne? | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
Roses? | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Custard. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
Now, I'm going to have to ask you to take these from the shop in a brown paper bag. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:40 | |
No problem. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
But first, I am required to ask you to swear an oath of silence. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:48 | |
Raise your right hand. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
Put your left hand on the custard. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
And swear after me... | 0:12:00 | 0:12:01 | |
I promise by this tin of custard... | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
-BOTH: -I promise by this tin of custard... | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
Which is exceedingly good value... | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
I just know Kath's going to say, | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
"What the hell are you doing buying Christmas puddings?!" | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
So, we pick the moment and we say... | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
"Hey, do you know what I fancy right now? | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
"A bit of Christmas pudding." | 0:12:33 | 0:12:34 | |
And make sure they eat the other half. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
Hello! | 0:12:47 | 0:12:48 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
Oh, you gave me a fright! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
Sh, sh! Hey, hey! | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
Not allowed. If he asks, tell him I sold you a fright. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
There's a house rule against giving. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
What are you doing behind there? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
-Have you got a bed down there? -No, but it's not a bad idea. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
Oh. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
No, they get me up too early, you see. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
My body clock doesn't really run on Arkwright time. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
You need a rewind. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Or just a lie in. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
At the risk of being forward, | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
could I ask what you were doing behind the counter? | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
-Tinkering? -Ah, yes. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
The old tinkering... It's been years since I've had a good tinker. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
We often wonder, you know, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
what goodies are available behind that counter. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Oh, well, at the moment, a stack of Christmas puddings. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:46 | |
-Don't ask. -You're pulling my leg. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
Or is that wishful thinking? | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
Oh, some mischievous spirit inserted into this conversation. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
Yeah, yeah. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
They do, don't they? Yeah. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
Sh! Did you hear that? | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
Oh, give up. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
There's nobody upstairs. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
I've just checked, again. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:10 | |
Well, I know how thorough you are. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
You probably went up there and forgot what you went for. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:17 | |
You're worse than Mrs Patrick. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
She was always hearing things. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
Particularly about Mr Patrick. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
She claimed she was psychic. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
Maybe I'm a bit psychic. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
It didn't stop you picking someone nasty for a husband. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
He looked so nice in a suit. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
Well, what about you? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
Yours was no better. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
At least I knew that before I married him. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
So, why did you marry him? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
He told me I was pregnant. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
So, what is Madge's problem? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Apart from her long battle against being pleasant. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
She's convinced our place is haunted now. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:59 | |
Oh, well, there's always been a disturbing presence there. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:03 | |
It's your Madge. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
It is. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
She's heard something going bang in the night. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
What? At your place? | 0:15:14 | 0:15:15 | |
Don't knock it. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
One night, I hope it could be me. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
Never heard the bell. You're creeping up on people. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:31 | |
So, this may come as something of a surprise. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
It's my fault. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
I didn't believe his Christmas pudding story, | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
which led to him showing me his... | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
ideas for improved workflow behind here. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
Still in the planning stage. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
A few wrinkles that we need to... iron out. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
I hope it is still in the planning stage. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
I passed Madge. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
I gave her a wave. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:38 | |
She gave me a look. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Oh, I can see it now. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Her eyes were irresistibly drawn towards you, eh? | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
Well, if it didn't say, "Drop-dead," | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
it were a look that said something like... | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
"kindly leave the universe." | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Which we've noticed you've ignored. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
You see, Madge hasn't spotted your darker side. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Darker side? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
So you don't think that you've got a darker side? Hm? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:09 | |
CHUCKLING | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
Try that. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
Not bad. What is it? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
-50p. -50p for that?! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:31 | |
Well, it includes delivery. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
What you've just eaten, Gastric, is black pudding. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:39 | |
Oh, I like black pudding. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
Ah, you see. That shows your darker side. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:44 | |
It's black pudding. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
And dammed expensive at 50p a hit. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
What's dark about black pudding, you may ask? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
Well, it's made of blood, isn't it? | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
So, now we've established that you've got a taste for blood. | 0:17:55 | 0:18:00 | |
Have you ever had your family history checked? | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
We don't speak to some cousins in Newton-le-Fenwick. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
But that were their fault. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
Have you got any relatives in Transylvania? | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
Mainly Clitheroe. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
Well, that's close enough. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
It's clear to me, and to any unbiased person, Gastric, | 0:18:19 | 0:18:24 | |
that you have some Dracula in your DNA. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:28 | |
Oh! How are you today, Mrs Featherstone? | 0:18:41 | 0:18:46 | |
Probably on the downward slope from the prime years, Granville, | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
but they're still a lot here for persons of an adventurous disposition. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:55 | |
HE CLEARS THROAT | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
How is Mr Newbold? | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
I'm still looking for his adventurous side. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
I invited him upstairs recently to remove a squirrel from my loft. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
Well, you've got to test their basic skills. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
And how are his basic skills? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
I've no idea. He just removed a squirrel from my loft. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Now, Granville, how would you like to slice me a little bacon? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:22 | |
Half a pound, Mrs Featherstone? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Or, enough for any single person. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
You know, Granville, I sometimes look at you and I think, | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
"Is he wasting his best years, and if so, does he need a hand?" | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
Shall I leave the rind on, Mrs Featherstone? | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Oh, go along with you. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
I didn't come in here to get sporty. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
Not that I couldn't, if the situation demanded it. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Oh, go on. We're both adults. Leave it on. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
What makes you think I can shift the noises from Madge's place? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
You're going to impress Madge with your knowledge. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
-Oh, she'll just go, "Urgh!" -No, no, she won't, | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
not when she hears how much you've found out about the troubled spirit | 0:20:14 | 0:20:20 | |
that is roaming her house. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
-I don't believe... -Yes, you do! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
We discovered that Madge's house once belonged to... | 0:20:26 | 0:20:34 | |
..a Crabist. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
-What's a Crabist? -He's glad you asked that. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
The Crabists were fanatical followers of a certain... | 0:20:43 | 0:20:48 | |
-cobbler. -You see? | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
Cobblers already. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
No, no... He was a prophet that arose out of Birmingham. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
His name was Barry Crab, and that is spelt cu-rah-ab-eh. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:02 | |
-Right? -Shall I have to spell it? | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
No, no. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
It's highly unlikely. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:07 | |
All you have to do is just remember that Barry Crab was hung, | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
drawn and quartered, right, | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
in the year 1540 for preaching that | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
heaven was just outside Stoke-on-Trent. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
So, there was once a Crabist in Madge's house. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:26 | |
How does that account for the noises? | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
Well, his followers all believed that Preacher Crab, right, | 0:21:28 | 0:21:33 | |
would one day return as promised. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:38 | |
Am I to remember all this? | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Very unlikely. If you can't remember, just go into a trance. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:46 | |
How do I do that? | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
That's it. Well done. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
That's it. Just do that. Perfect. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
While Leroy is getting Gastric ready for Madge, | 0:22:08 | 0:22:12 | |
I thought I might interest you in a little bit of grocer's delight. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:18 | |
Last time we got interrupted. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
I know, but I've told Leroy to take his time. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
I never know what to wear for being interrupted. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
I wish I'd worn something nicer. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Oh, no, don't worry. You look great. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
-How does he look? -Early! | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
-Well, we can come back later. -No, it's too late. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
Why is he wearing make-up? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
I were wondering that. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
If I see any mates, they'll be wondering that. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
Gastric is going to impress Madge by banishing the spirits from her room, | 0:22:53 | 0:22:59 | |
so we're trying to lift his image to look a bit more... | 0:22:59 | 0:23:03 | |
Well, you know, sinister. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
I still don't know why I'm dressed up like a tart. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
It's all right. You look... | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
You look dishy. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
No, no. I don't mean dishy, I mean... What do I mean? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:18 | |
Ludicrous. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:21 | |
Yes, ludicrous... No, not ludicrous. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
No, no. He's dressed like that to stop Madge thinking that... | 0:23:25 | 0:23:30 | |
What? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
Oh, tell him, will you, Leroy? | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
-Oh, yeah, pass it to me. -Tell me what? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
Mavis? | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
Well, it's because she thinks you're a... | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
She kind of sees you as... | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
Or you could say she has this impression of you as... | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
Of course, I could be wrong. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
Madge thinks you're a wally. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
And of course, you are a wally. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
But a nice wally. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
Oh, for a moment, I thought you were going to say something rude to me. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:07 | |
CAR HORN BLARES | 0:24:13 | 0:24:18 | |
TYRES SCREECH | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
CLATTERING | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
-Sh! -I'm sorry. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
Right, the ladder's up near Madge's window where she won't see it. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
I'm not clamouring up there again. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
It's not for you. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:37 | |
It's for me. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
I'm going to go up the ladder, in through the window, | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
and then I'm going to stomp about | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
-and then I'm going to come out and nip back down the ladder. -All right. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:51 | |
I think. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:52 | |
And all you've got to do is command Barry Crab to leave the premises. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:58 | |
Right, I remember that bit. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
-I can do that. -Right, good. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
My hero. You will be flavour of the month. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
Which month? | 0:25:06 | 0:25:07 | |
Don't confuse him any more, will you? | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
Right, hold the bottom. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
I can't sleep in that room. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
Then you'll have to sleep in my room. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
Well, you've got cold feet. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
Well, I sleep with them. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
BANGING | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
Listen! | 0:25:27 | 0:25:28 | |
BANGING | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
Have no fear. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:41 | |
The spirit shifter's here. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
Oh, give him a try. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
What have you got to lose? | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
What a place to leave a ladder. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
Someone might walk into it. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
Or walk off with it. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
We'll put it in Granville's yard. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
I'm getting a good feeling. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
Doing something for the community. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
That Eric... | 0:26:05 | 0:26:06 | |
..they'll say... | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
public spirited. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
That Eric, they'll say, making a bog off carrying a ladder. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
It's heavier than it looks. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
So, is life since Mrs Featherstone. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
BANGING | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
BANGING | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
That sounds to me like... | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
..Barry Crab. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
I command thee, | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
leave this house! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:46 | |
BANGING STOPS | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
Argh! | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
Urgh! Aw! Ooh! | 0:27:14 | 0:27:18 | |
Ooh! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:19 | |
I'm sorry, Mrs Featherstone. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
No, this is more excitement than I've had all week. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:29 | |
'I must stop lying on Mrs Featherstone. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
'I'd like to know who moved that ladder. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
'Still, at least Gastric finally got a smile from Madge. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:57 | |
'At least he thought it was a smile. | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
'Lord, keep us free from all flying basins tonight. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:07 | |
'A powerful grip, that Mrs Featherstone. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:14 | |
'Who would believe it took ten minutes to wriggle free?' | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 |