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Anyway, they said that he could whistle | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
in three octaves. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
He died whistling. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:08 | |
And when they opened him up at the postmortem, | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
the last three notes came out. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
Did they recognise the tune? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
Well, the pathologist said | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
it sounded like acute cardiac Moon River. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
I thought he died of old age. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
Yeah, well, there was that, too. Mm-hm. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
-Hey, you want something else to think about? -Hmm? | 0:00:30 | 0:00:34 | |
The guy at the Post Office said | 0:00:34 | 0:00:35 | |
-there's a load of forged banknotes knocking about. -Huh? | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
How do you tell? And why has Granville gone white? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
Hardly detectable. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Except by experts. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
Oh! | 0:00:45 | 0:00:46 | |
Oh... HORN PARPS | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
Agh! Agh! Oh! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:50 | |
-HE PANTS -Oh! We need a van. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
I mean, this is humiliating at my age. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
I should be mobile. I see me in aviator sunglasses, | 0:00:56 | 0:01:01 | |
reclining on leather upholstery, room inside for selected customers. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:06 | |
Don't pressure your father while he's hyperventilating. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
-What's wrong? -His money belt's just developed a murmur. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:14 | |
It's all right, I'll be all right in a minute. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
It's just everything went, like, a funny colour. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
Especially around the bit that says, "I promise to pay the bearer." Ooh! | 0:01:19 | 0:01:24 | |
LOCKS CLICK | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
Don't you go snapping at me! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
You save that for any forged notes. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
If any slip past me, I want you spitting them out. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
-We need a vehicle. -You can take that off, I get the message. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:22 | |
-Does that mean we'll get a vehicle? -No, it means I get the message. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
I can't keep borrowing one. We've got to get our own. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
You've got to get me off that shop bike. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
Look at me, I'm saddle sore! | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
Doesn't show. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
I'm walking bow-legged! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Large, friendly dogs could walk straight through! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
And what unfriendly dogs could do, I shudder to think. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
Anyway, we manage perfectly well without a vehicle. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:49 | |
While all the time, I'm offering my nether regions | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
as a hostage to fortune! | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Just like your mother. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
And you said last year you'd think about it. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Well, I AM thinking about it. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
Well, while you're at it, | 0:03:02 | 0:03:03 | |
think about that big wheel of cheese you bought. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Still in there, stinking out the warehouse. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
Releasing its noble flavour. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
They don't like it, they all say it's too hard. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:03:14 | 0:03:15 | |
Oh... | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
Ah, Madge's boyfriend. Ha-ha! How are you today, Gastric? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
She sees me, she goes, "Eugh!" | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
But she doesn't do it to anyone else. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
Shows you how special you are. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
Right. I want bacon and sausage, eggs and beans, please. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:37 | |
Right, and cheese to follow? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
-Cheese? -Yeah, cheese. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
It's all right, we've got plenty, don't panic. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
Oh, dear, oh, dear. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
I don't know... | 0:03:49 | 0:03:50 | |
What's wrong with it? | 0:04:05 | 0:04:06 | |
You'd better give me another one as a spare, just in case. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
How long are you going to be nasty about it? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
Well, I was thinking, maybe ALWAYS. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
Your brother gets me into more trouble than your mother does. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Have you no compassion? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
His heart is broken! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Ah, but in fairness, I don't think his head's fully functioning. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:40 | |
And just remember, who, on their day off, | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
-took him out and looked after him? -You call that looking after him?! | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
I said take him out and amuse him. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
Not lose him! | 0:04:50 | 0:04:51 | |
Don't think it was easy! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
He took some losing. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:57 | |
Why do you dislike our Lester? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
I don't dislike your Lester. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
I just dislike your Lester being here. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
He misses his wife. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
I miss mine. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:11 | |
Oh, don't start. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:15 | |
Oh, come on. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
How can you keep running that iron over me undies and not feel playful? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:23 | |
HISSING | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
It's ten o'clock in the morning. Get real! | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
I have been seriously misled about the joys of togetherness! | 0:05:30 | 0:05:34 | |
Ooh! BELL RINGS | 0:05:49 | 0:05:50 | |
-Hello, Mavis. -Hello, Granville. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
Oh, I love the way you say, "Hello, Granville". It gets me every time. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:03 | |
It's just a "Hello, Granville." | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
No, it's not, it's the Mona Lisa of Hello, Granvilles. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:09 | |
So, what have you come in the shop for, some cheese? | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Oh, I'm sorry. Naughty, you shouldn't have said that. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
You get a free pass. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
-What were you doing down there behind the counter? -Oh? | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
Well, I was looking for your lost earring. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
But I haven't lost one. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
No, that's because I haven't got you behind here yet. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
-You make me blush! -I've got a cure for that. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
I wish. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
It's down here somewhere, along with that earring you've lost. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:41 | |
Ha-ha, ha-ha. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
Come and help me look? | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Someone always comes in. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
I know, it's the grocer's lottery. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
We always live on the edge. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
-Look, we really do need a van, cos I... -Oh, get out! | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
It's none of my business - | 0:07:05 | 0:07:06 | |
this thing between you and Mrs Featherstone... | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
I don't see it as a thing. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
It's illegal! I've been kidnapped. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
She doesn't keep me locked up, but it's there. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
You must be very attractive to women. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
Me? I let the hair grow in me ears, I wear long underwear! | 0:07:21 | 0:07:25 | |
-In summer? -Well, lightweight in summer. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
No, no! You must have something. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
You come out the blue and she makes a beeline for you. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
You're some kind of... honeypot for women. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
You wish to hear my secret fantasy? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Now we're getting somewhere! | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
I wish to drive the Flying Scotsman. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
You won't give it up, will you? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
You've got the secret and you're keeping it. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
I'll tell you what I am doing - I'm toughening up. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
I intend to rid myself of Mrs Featherstone. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:08 | |
Come along, Mr Newbould. You'll need your car to take me into town. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
See ya. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
See ya. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
So, you want to know the secret of Mr Newbould's power over the ladies? | 0:08:20 | 0:08:24 | |
I don't know about ladies, I thought it was just Mrs Featherstone. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
Oh! No, no, no. He's got them all over. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
He's known as The Bull down at the bowling club. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
-Bull Newbould? -Mm-hm! | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
-I knew he was trying to hold out on me! -Ha-ha! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:42 | |
Tells me he wears long underwear. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
Oh, no. Jockeys. Practically a thong. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
-Lying old fraud! -He-he! | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
Does Mrs Featherstone know about his, er, extra bowling activities? | 0:08:53 | 0:08:59 | |
Shh, shh! No, no, no, no, you mustn't say a word. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
-She'd kill him! -Hey, his secret's safe with me. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
I'm tight as a drum. My missus calls me The Clamp. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
Anyway, let's get down to it. So, what is this secret? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:12 | |
Well, it is a little underrated dairy product that I keep for him. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:18 | |
But if you could keep your mouth shut... | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
I'm a clam, me. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
I can only whisper it. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
Go on, then. Go 'ead. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Cheese. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
-Cheese? -Shh! | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
-Cheese. -Cheese? -Yes. -Oh! | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
Is it some sort of special cheese, not ordinary cheese? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
It's all got this powerful effect on... | 0:09:40 | 0:09:45 | |
certain hormones. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
It's what you said about the Marmite. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
It never worked for me. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
No, that was because you were in such a hurry, weren't you? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
I mean, you wouldn't wait | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
until Venus was in configuration with Mars! | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
It was the only weekend her mother was away. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Well, you can't push these things. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
There are limits, even to Marmite. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
-But... -Cheese, you will be pleased to hear, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
works any evening after 7pm. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
They, say if you eat cheese late, you can't sleep. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:20 | |
And I'm saying, if you do eat cheese late, you won't WANT to sleep. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:26 | |
Oh? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
Er, not yet. I'll tell you when. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
I thought we might take this quiet moment | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
to agree some small advance in our relationship. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Well, it seems to have advanced pretty rapidly to me. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
But I've kept you at arm's length, Mr Newbould. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
Which has always been my custom in the first flush of an entanglement. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:05 | |
Arm's length is fine by me, I'm really quite... | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
You've been very good, you've held yourself in check, | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
it's not gone unnoticed. And, as a reward, | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
I think it's time to release you a little from full restraint. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
-What do you have in mind? -Oh, nothing as far as that! | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
No, I thought I might just allow you a few minor shows of affection. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:28 | |
Are you sure? I mean, I'm quite... | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Nothing radical! A peck on the cheek, | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
you could take my arm occasionally... | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
I don't want you leaping on me! | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
< DRILLING | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
-Look at me. -Hmm? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
I'm bow-legged! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
I've had a word with Gastric. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
You know he dabbles in second-hand vehicles? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
Well, I've got one coming for us to look at. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
Ohh! Oh-ho-ho! | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
Hey, all right! | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
Don't do that, I don't know where they've been. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
What are you drilling? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
Cheese. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
Oh, right, as you do. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
Yes, well, they don't like the hard variety, | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
so I thought to see how they'd get on with the Yorkshire Swiss kind. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:32 | |
Yeah. Right. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
Swiss. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
-Thank you. -Oh, haven't you got anything smaller? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:55 | |
-Er, sorry. -It is possible, Mrs Hussein, | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
that you have been given a forged note. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
-What would happen then? -I would just have to give it back to you. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
Well, wouldn't that mean that YOU were passing forged notes? | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
No, it would mean that I'm refusing to accept it. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:15 | |
-I could come back later, when you've finished. -Right... | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
I think this one's all right, yeah. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
You don't look too sure. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:38 | |
You never can be too sure, as a grocer, | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
with all the wickedness out there. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
Oh, you've heard about her at number 14, then? | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
-So, I'm busy in the kitchen.... -DRIER WHIRS | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
..and the door opens and Eric pops his head round | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
and he gives me this look and he says... | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
-LIKE ERIC: -"Why don't we eat more cheese?!" | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
..slams the door and he's gone! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
Have you had him looked at lately? | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
Where would you start? | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
Is your Eric sleeping? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
I've no idea. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
He's in the other bedroom. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
He's on punishment detail. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
Oh? Your mother, I say, your mother would be proud. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:25 | |
What's he done? Is it specific, or just tactical? | 0:14:25 | 0:14:30 | |
He lost my brother. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
Ooh! Shows initiative. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
How did he manage that? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
He left him in B&Q, looking at the lawn mowers. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
Eric said he forgot him. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
You can forget people. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
I forget people. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
Not in B&Q! | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
Some people are easy to forget. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
My third husband was a natural, you could forget him anywhere. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:56 | |
I used to wake up sometimes in a panic and think, "Who's this?" | 0:14:56 | 0:15:00 | |
THEY GIGGLE | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
HE BLOWS | 0:15:12 | 0:15:13 | |
RAZOR BUZZES | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
Ah! Ha-ha-ha. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
-Ah! -Listen, the only thing I can find for you, at your price... | 0:15:32 | 0:15:37 | |
-I'll take it. -Well, you'd better have a look at it first. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
Well, of course I'll have a look at it. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
You don't think I'd throw money away, do you? | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
Well, if you did, it would be on a piece of elastic. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
-You smell of diesel. -Of course I smell of diesel! | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
What decent, practical bloke doesn't smell of diesel? | 0:15:51 | 0:15:55 | |
Ohh! What's that? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
-25p. -Eh? | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Right, now, put that on, so we don't spoil the surprise. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:09 | |
Come along, yeah. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
Right this way. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
Not long now. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:14 | |
Ha-ha-ha. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
Does he realise she's clapped out? | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
Shh! | 0:16:18 | 0:16:19 | |
Right, you stay there, won't be a moment. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
Listen, don't say it was clapped out, just say, um, | 0:16:23 | 0:16:28 | |
it's a good little runner, but needs a bit of attention. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
-Hello? -Shut up, we're coming! | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
-Now, did you fill the tank up? -Not for what you're paying! | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
I wouldn't overdo it, for a start. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
I should build the fuel up gradually, | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
let her get used to the weight. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
Right. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
-Hello? -We're coming! | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
I'm going to take his bucket off. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
So, I want you to stand by the van and look proud, OK? Right. | 0:16:54 | 0:17:00 | |
All right, now, stand by. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
I don't want you rushing around the countryside, driving like a lunatic. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
Are you ready? Here comes the surprise. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
-Yes! -Ooh! -Oh? | 0:17:10 | 0:17:11 | |
Ta-da! | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
Hee-hee-hee. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
Can I have my bucket back, please? | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
No. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:27 | |
Don't worry about the bodywork. That's just, um, cosmetic. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:32 | |
-A touch of paint. -Well, it had better be a light touch, Gastric, | 0:17:32 | 0:17:36 | |
or you'll be through what's left of the metal! | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
-More tea? -Sit still. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
You go flying out into that kitchen | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
and I don't see you for half an hour. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
-What do you do out there? -I make the tea. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
A person could dehydrate. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
I think you go out there and deliberately dawdle. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
The kettle has to boil. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
Well, I don't see any signs of steam arising from you. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
Are you afraid of me, Mr Newbould? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
I wouldn't say... | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
But then again, perhaps I would. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
Yes, I would. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:25 | |
You terrify me. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Excellent. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
-I can sense the progress since we began. -What began? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
When did we begin? | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
One moment I was living alone. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
Now look at me. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
Are those the socks you wore last week? | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
Well, they have been washed in the interim. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
Those are very old widower's socks, Mr Newbould. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
They are joyless socks. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
They do not say life has regained its sparkle. | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
I will not buy sparkling socks. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
Well, you'll have to do better than those. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
That is not one of the 50 shades of grey everybody's talking about. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
-Right, well, how do I get this seat forward? -I don't know. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
Well, there's probably a lever down there, I think. Yes, right. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
Oh, yeah, got it. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
THUD! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
So, I... Huh? | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
Oh, there you are. All right, come on, that way. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
Yeah, there you go. You were a bit urgent there. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Yes, it's on a ratchet, you'll feel it click in. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:38 | |
What I feel is embarrassed! | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
Well, what we need is the manual. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
There should be a driver's manual here somewhere. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:47 | |
For something this age? It'll be in Latin! | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
Ha-ha, in Latin! | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Very good. Um, no, it'll be in the glove compartment, won't it? | 0:19:52 | 0:19:57 | |
It's a bit, um... Oh, it just probably needs just a screw. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:04 | |
Give it to Gastric, will you? | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
Right, um... | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
Well, why don't we, er... you know, start her up, eh? | 0:20:12 | 0:20:17 | |
ENGINE STRUGGLES | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
LOUD BANG | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
Yeah, she's trying. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:21 | |
IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
She's trying. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:24 | |
IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
She's still trying. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:27 | |
ENGINE STARTS Hey! | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
She's off! | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
She's... Yes! | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
She's off and running. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
Sounds sweet enough, doesn't it, once she settles down? | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
Well, you've got everything here, haven't you? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
Look at this! You've got heating, look, and air conditioning, eh? | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
So, whilst I'm in the shop, you know, sweating away, | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
you'll be swanning around being like, you know, Mr Cool, yeah? | 0:20:50 | 0:20:55 | |
Go on, give it a try. Air con, go on. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
-Oh! -Ah, ah! | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Hey, hey! | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
-No, that's... -Switch it off! Switch it off! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
-Hey! -Ah! Ah! | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Well, it is cool, isn't it? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
-Freezing! -Yeah. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
Oh, right. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:19 | |
Anyway, let's, um, let's reverse her out of the yard, shall we? | 0:21:19 | 0:21:24 | |
Give her a run down the road. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
Handbrake off... | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
When I said take it off, I didn't mean, you know, TAKE IT OFF, did I? | 0:21:31 | 0:21:36 | |
Give it to... Gastric? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
-All right, that's it! -What? | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Well, you're buying too cheap. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
-HE TURNS THE ENGINE OFF Rubbish! -Correct. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
Oh! Agh! Agh! | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
Agh! Agh-agh! Oh! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:55 | |
No, no. No! No! Take her back. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
I had this dream - | 0:21:59 | 0:22:00 | |
leather upholstery, smooth, glossy paintwork. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:04 | |
Not something that looks like a four-wheeled carrot! | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
GRUNTS OF PAIN | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
You must have another vehicle that you can't get rid of | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
that would suit our needs? | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
Huh? | 0:22:19 | 0:22:20 | |
There, look at these noble lines. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
Look at the polish on her. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
She looks all right from front. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
Then again, so does she at number 14. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
Yeah, well, imagine her surprise when you turn up in this! | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
Yeah, I can imagine. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Hey, I never knew that about cheese. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
Oh, the Government keeps it quiet. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
They're worried about overpopulation. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
-So, how much do you want? -Oh, I'll take the whole piece. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
Oh, right! | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
Ha-ha! | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
Oh, doesn't anybody have the right change any more? | 0:23:01 | 0:23:05 | |
-Well, I can come back tomorrow. -No, it's OK. I'll check it. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:09 | |
Oh, they've started talking to you now! | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
They must know who's their biggest fan. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
I reserve the right to return this if it isn't kosher. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
Well, if it's coming back, don't wear it out. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
Sign there. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
So I know where it's come from. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
-Well, it came from you, 20 minutes ago! -Oh, ha-ha! | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:23:43 | 0:23:44 | |
That thing is going to ruin my love life. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
Most people's love life works perfectly satisfactorily | 0:23:50 | 0:23:55 | |
on leather upholstery. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
Not if you can't even get them inside! | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
I hope it's...no-one close. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
-Eh? -The hearse outside! | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
OK, OK, so it looks a bit too much like what it was. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:19 | |
-But it's beautiful. -Pfft! He means cheap. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:22 | |
It just needs commercialising. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
A few adverts on it, you know, to make it our own. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
Right, so, Gastric, you go and get your tools. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:32 | |
-Cyril, you will help him, right? -Oh, I was just passing. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:36 | |
-I really ought to get back... -Oh, don't fight it, Cyril. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:40 | |
-You've been conscripted. -Oh. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
And apparently, he left his undies behind, with his initials on! | 0:24:45 | 0:24:51 | |
Well, if you get that close to a man, | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
you ought to know what his name is. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Initials are a bit unnecessary. It's like wearing a number plate. | 0:24:55 | 0:25:00 | |
Well, I can't see the point of initials. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
If there was a whole chapter, at least you'd have something to read. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
Oh, I can't read in bed. The cat objects. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
I like Eric to read in bed. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
I've always got a spare book ready, just in case he finishes one. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:15 | |
You should train your husband. I trained all mine. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
What were you training them for? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Well, I wasn't entering them for anything. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
It's like climbing Everest, you do it because they're there. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
Mine was rarely there. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
Which is the nicest thing he ever did for me. Cheers! | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
ALL: Cheers! THEY GIGGLE | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
It was like catching the wrong bus, when I got married. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
As soon as I saw his initials on his pyjamas, | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
I knew who he was really in love with. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
You see more than initials. Some people have tattoos | 0:25:53 | 0:25:57 | |
where nobody's any business sticking their nib in. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
Eric wanted one. A dagger! | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
I said, "Eric, start with something you know. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
"You know, like a pencil with a rubber on the end." | 0:26:06 | 0:26:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
You can get some that, if you jiggle them about, | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
they look like they're moving! | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
They're called husbands. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:16 | |
I think I can honestly say all of mine went to their graves unmarked. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:21 | |
On the outside, anyway. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
Leroy? How's the shop? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
The new van is fine. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
Well, it's a classic vehicle. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:38 | |
I've got a few more errands to run, and then I'll be back. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:42 | |
'Well, we got them to the church on time in the end. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:33 | |
'Although they looked a bit agitated | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
'while I sorted my cardboard from my plastics. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:40 | |
'I don't know why our Leroy has taken against it. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:48 | |
'I thought the young were all in favour | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
'of plenty of room in the back.' | 0:27:51 | 0:27:52 | |
Have you got any special offers? | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
Yes, I have. Fresh in today. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
-Oh, my favourite kind. -Come on. THEY GIGGLE | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
'I wonder if I could interest Mavis in that last bit of cheese. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:18 | |
'Maybe it does have powerful effects after all. Hee-hee.' | 0:28:19 | 0:28:23 |