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Episode 5

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Transcript


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Anyway, they said that he could whistle

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in three octaves.

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He died whistling.

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And when they opened him up at the postmortem,

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the last three notes came out.

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Did they recognise the tune?

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Well, the pathologist said

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it sounded like acute cardiac Moon River.

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I thought he died of old age.

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Yeah, well, there was that, too. Mm-hm.

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-Hey, you want something else to think about?

-Hmm?

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The guy at the Post Office said

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-there's a load of forged banknotes knocking about.

-Huh?

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How do you tell? And why has Granville gone white?

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Hardly detectable.

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Except by experts.

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Oh!

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Oh... HORN PARPS

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Agh! Agh! Oh!

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-HE PANTS

-Oh! We need a van.

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I mean, this is humiliating at my age.

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I should be mobile. I see me in aviator sunglasses,

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reclining on leather upholstery, room inside for selected customers.

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Don't pressure your father while he's hyperventilating.

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-What's wrong?

-His money belt's just developed a murmur.

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It's all right, I'll be all right in a minute.

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It's just everything went, like, a funny colour.

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Especially around the bit that says, "I promise to pay the bearer." Ooh!

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LOCKS CLICK

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HE SIGHS

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Don't you go snapping at me!

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You save that for any forged notes.

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If any slip past me, I want you spitting them out.

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-We need a vehicle.

-You can take that off, I get the message.

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-Does that mean we'll get a vehicle?

-No, it means I get the message.

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I can't keep borrowing one. We've got to get our own.

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You've got to get me off that shop bike.

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Look at me, I'm saddle sore!

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Doesn't show.

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I'm walking bow-legged!

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Large, friendly dogs could walk straight through!

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And what unfriendly dogs could do, I shudder to think.

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Anyway, we manage perfectly well without a vehicle.

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While all the time, I'm offering my nether regions

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as a hostage to fortune!

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Just like your mother.

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And you said last year you'd think about it.

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Well, I AM thinking about it.

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Well, while you're at it,

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think about that big wheel of cheese you bought.

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Still in there, stinking out the warehouse.

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Releasing its noble flavour.

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They don't like it, they all say it's too hard.

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BELL RINGS

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Oh...

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Ah, Madge's boyfriend. Ha-ha! How are you today, Gastric?

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She sees me, she goes, "Eugh!"

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But she doesn't do it to anyone else.

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Shows you how special you are.

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Right. I want bacon and sausage, eggs and beans, please.

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Right, and cheese to follow?

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-Cheese?

-Yeah, cheese.

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It's all right, we've got plenty, don't panic.

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Oh, dear, oh, dear.

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I don't know...

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What's wrong with it?

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You'd better give me another one as a spare, just in case.

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How long are you going to be nasty about it?

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Well, I was thinking, maybe ALWAYS.

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Your brother gets me into more trouble than your mother does.

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Have you no compassion?

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His heart is broken!

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Ah, but in fairness, I don't think his head's fully functioning.

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And just remember, who, on their day off,

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-took him out and looked after him?

-You call that looking after him?!

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I said take him out and amuse him.

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Not lose him!

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Don't think it was easy!

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He took some losing.

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Why do you dislike our Lester?

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I don't dislike your Lester.

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I just dislike your Lester being here.

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He misses his wife.

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I miss mine.

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Oh, don't start.

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Oh, come on.

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How can you keep running that iron over me undies and not feel playful?

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HISSING

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It's ten o'clock in the morning. Get real!

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I have been seriously misled about the joys of togetherness!

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Ooh! BELL RINGS

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-Hello, Mavis.

-Hello, Granville.

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Oh, I love the way you say, "Hello, Granville". It gets me every time.

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It's just a "Hello, Granville."

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No, it's not, it's the Mona Lisa of Hello, Granvilles.

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So, what have you come in the shop for, some cheese?

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Oh, I'm sorry. Naughty, you shouldn't have said that.

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You get a free pass.

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-What were you doing down there behind the counter?

-Oh?

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Well, I was looking for your lost earring.

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But I haven't lost one.

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No, that's because I haven't got you behind here yet.

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-You make me blush!

-I've got a cure for that.

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I wish.

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It's down here somewhere, along with that earring you've lost.

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Ha-ha, ha-ha.

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Come and help me look?

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Someone always comes in.

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I know, it's the grocer's lottery.

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We always live on the edge.

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-Look, we really do need a van, cos I...

-Oh, get out!

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It's none of my business -

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this thing between you and Mrs Featherstone...

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I don't see it as a thing.

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It's illegal! I've been kidnapped.

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She doesn't keep me locked up, but it's there.

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You must be very attractive to women.

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Me? I let the hair grow in me ears, I wear long underwear!

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-In summer?

-Well, lightweight in summer.

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No, no! You must have something.

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You come out the blue and she makes a beeline for you.

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You're some kind of... honeypot for women.

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You wish to hear my secret fantasy?

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Now we're getting somewhere!

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I wish to drive the Flying Scotsman.

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You won't give it up, will you?

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You've got the secret and you're keeping it.

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I'll tell you what I am doing - I'm toughening up.

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I intend to rid myself of Mrs Featherstone.

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Come along, Mr Newbould. You'll need your car to take me into town.

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See ya.

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See ya.

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So, you want to know the secret of Mr Newbould's power over the ladies?

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I don't know about ladies, I thought it was just Mrs Featherstone.

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Oh! No, no, no. He's got them all over.

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He's known as The Bull down at the bowling club.

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-Bull Newbould?

-Mm-hm!

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-I knew he was trying to hold out on me!

-Ha-ha!

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Tells me he wears long underwear.

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Oh, no. Jockeys. Practically a thong.

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-Lying old fraud!

-He-he!

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Does Mrs Featherstone know about his, er, extra bowling activities?

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Shh, shh! No, no, no, no, you mustn't say a word.

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-She'd kill him!

-Hey, his secret's safe with me.

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I'm tight as a drum. My missus calls me The Clamp.

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Anyway, let's get down to it. So, what is this secret?

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Well, it is a little underrated dairy product that I keep for him.

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But if you could keep your mouth shut...

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I'm a clam, me.

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I can only whisper it.

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Go on, then. Go 'ead.

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Cheese.

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-Cheese?

-Shh!

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-Cheese.

-Cheese?

-Yes.

-Oh!

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Is it some sort of special cheese, not ordinary cheese?

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It's all got this powerful effect on...

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certain hormones.

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It's what you said about the Marmite.

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It never worked for me.

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No, that was because you were in such a hurry, weren't you?

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I mean, you wouldn't wait

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until Venus was in configuration with Mars!

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It was the only weekend her mother was away.

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Well, you can't push these things.

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There are limits, even to Marmite.

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-But...

-Cheese, you will be pleased to hear,

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works any evening after 7pm.

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They, say if you eat cheese late, you can't sleep.

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And I'm saying, if you do eat cheese late, you won't WANT to sleep.

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Oh?

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Er, not yet. I'll tell you when.

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I thought we might take this quiet moment

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to agree some small advance in our relationship.

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Well, it seems to have advanced pretty rapidly to me.

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But I've kept you at arm's length, Mr Newbould.

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Which has always been my custom in the first flush of an entanglement.

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Arm's length is fine by me, I'm really quite...

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You've been very good, you've held yourself in check,

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it's not gone unnoticed. And, as a reward,

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I think it's time to release you a little from full restraint.

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-What do you have in mind?

-Oh, nothing as far as that!

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No, I thought I might just allow you a few minor shows of affection.

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Are you sure? I mean, I'm quite...

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Nothing radical! A peck on the cheek,

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you could take my arm occasionally...

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I don't want you leaping on me!

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< DRILLING

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-Look at me.

-Hmm?

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I'm bow-legged!

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I've had a word with Gastric.

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You know he dabbles in second-hand vehicles?

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Well, I've got one coming for us to look at.

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Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

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Hey, all right!

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Don't do that, I don't know where they've been.

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What are you drilling?

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Cheese.

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Oh, right, as you do.

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Yes, well, they don't like the hard variety,

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so I thought to see how they'd get on with the Yorkshire Swiss kind.

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Yeah. Right.

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Swiss.

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-Thank you.

-Oh, haven't you got anything smaller?

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-Er, sorry.

-It is possible, Mrs Hussein,

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that you have been given a forged note.

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-What would happen then?

-I would just have to give it back to you.

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Well, wouldn't that mean that YOU were passing forged notes?

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No, it would mean that I'm refusing to accept it.

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-I could come back later, when you've finished.

-Right...

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I think this one's all right, yeah.

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You don't look too sure.

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You never can be too sure, as a grocer,

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with all the wickedness out there.

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Oh, you've heard about her at number 14, then?

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-So, I'm busy in the kitchen....

-DRIER WHIRS

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..and the door opens and Eric pops his head round

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and he gives me this look and he says...

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-LIKE ERIC:

-"Why don't we eat more cheese?!"

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..slams the door and he's gone!

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Have you had him looked at lately?

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Where would you start?

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Is your Eric sleeping?

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I've no idea.

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He's in the other bedroom.

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He's on punishment detail.

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Oh? Your mother, I say, your mother would be proud.

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What's he done? Is it specific, or just tactical?

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He lost my brother.

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Ooh! Shows initiative.

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How did he manage that?

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He left him in B&Q, looking at the lawn mowers.

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Eric said he forgot him.

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You can forget people.

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I forget people.

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Not in B&Q!

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Some people are easy to forget.

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My third husband was a natural, you could forget him anywhere.

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I used to wake up sometimes in a panic and think, "Who's this?"

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THEY GIGGLE

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HE BLOWS

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RAZOR BUZZES

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Ah! Ha-ha-ha.

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BELL RINGS

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-Ah!

-Listen, the only thing I can find for you, at your price...

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-I'll take it.

-Well, you'd better have a look at it first.

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Well, of course I'll have a look at it.

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You don't think I'd throw money away, do you?

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Well, if you did, it would be on a piece of elastic.

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-You smell of diesel.

-Of course I smell of diesel!

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What decent, practical bloke doesn't smell of diesel?

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Ohh! What's that?

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-25p.

-Eh?

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Right, now, put that on, so we don't spoil the surprise.

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Come along, yeah.

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Right this way.

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Not long now.

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Ha-ha-ha.

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Does he realise she's clapped out?

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Shh!

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Right, you stay there, won't be a moment.

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Listen, don't say it was clapped out, just say, um,

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it's a good little runner, but needs a bit of attention.

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-Hello?

-Shut up, we're coming!

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-Now, did you fill the tank up?

-Not for what you're paying!

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I wouldn't overdo it, for a start.

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I should build the fuel up gradually,

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let her get used to the weight.

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Right.

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-Hello?

-We're coming!

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I'm going to take his bucket off.

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So, I want you to stand by the van and look proud, OK? Right.

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All right, now, stand by.

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I don't want you rushing around the countryside, driving like a lunatic.

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Are you ready? Here comes the surprise.

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-Yes!

-Ooh!

-Oh?

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Ta-da!

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Hee-hee-hee.

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Can I have my bucket back, please?

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No.

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Don't worry about the bodywork. That's just, um, cosmetic.

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-A touch of paint.

-Well, it had better be a light touch, Gastric,

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or you'll be through what's left of the metal!

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-More tea?

-Sit still.

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You go flying out into that kitchen

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and I don't see you for half an hour.

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-What do you do out there?

-I make the tea.

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A person could dehydrate.

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I think you go out there and deliberately dawdle.

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The kettle has to boil.

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Well, I don't see any signs of steam arising from you.

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Are you afraid of me, Mr Newbould?

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I wouldn't say...

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But then again, perhaps I would.

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Yes, I would.

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You terrify me.

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Excellent.

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-I can sense the progress since we began.

-What began?

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When did we begin?

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One moment I was living alone.

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Now look at me.

0:18:400:18:42

Are those the socks you wore last week?

0:18:460:18:48

Well, they have been washed in the interim.

0:18:490:18:52

Those are very old widower's socks, Mr Newbould.

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They are joyless socks.

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They do not say life has regained its sparkle.

0:18:560:19:00

I will not buy sparkling socks.

0:19:000:19:03

Well, you'll have to do better than those.

0:19:030:19:06

That is not one of the 50 shades of grey everybody's talking about.

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HE SIGHS

0:19:160:19:18

-Right, well, how do I get this seat forward?

-I don't know.

0:19:180:19:21

Well, there's probably a lever down there, I think. Yes, right.

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Oh, yeah, got it.

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THUD!

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So, I... Huh?

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Oh, there you are. All right, come on, that way.

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Yeah, there you go. You were a bit urgent there.

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Yes, it's on a ratchet, you'll feel it click in.

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What I feel is embarrassed!

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Well, what we need is the manual.

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There should be a driver's manual here somewhere.

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For something this age? It'll be in Latin!

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Ha-ha, in Latin!

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Very good. Um, no, it'll be in the glove compartment, won't it?

0:19:520:19:57

It's a bit, um... Oh, it just probably needs just a screw.

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Give it to Gastric, will you?

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Right, um...

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Well, why don't we, er... you know, start her up, eh?

0:20:120:20:17

ENGINE STRUGGLES

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LOUD BANG

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Yeah, she's trying.

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IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN

0:20:210:20:23

She's trying.

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IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN

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She's still trying.

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ENGINE STARTS Hey!

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She's off!

0:20:290:20:31

She's... Yes!

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She's off and running.

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Sounds sweet enough, doesn't it, once she settles down?

0:20:350:20:39

Well, you've got everything here, haven't you?

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Look at this! You've got heating, look, and air conditioning, eh?

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So, whilst I'm in the shop, you know, sweating away,

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you'll be swanning around being like, you know, Mr Cool, yeah?

0:20:500:20:55

Go on, give it a try. Air con, go on.

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-Oh!

-Ah, ah!

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Hey, hey!

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-No, that's...

-Switch it off! Switch it off!

0:21:030:21:06

-Hey!

-Ah! Ah!

0:21:080:21:10

Well, it is cool, isn't it?

0:21:130:21:15

-Freezing!

-Yeah.

0:21:150:21:18

Oh, right.

0:21:180:21:19

Anyway, let's, um, let's reverse her out of the yard, shall we?

0:21:190:21:24

Give her a run down the road.

0:21:240:21:26

Handbrake off...

0:21:260:21:28

When I said take it off, I didn't mean, you know, TAKE IT OFF, did I?

0:21:310:21:36

Give it to... Gastric?

0:21:360:21:38

-All right, that's it!

-What?

0:21:420:21:45

Well, you're buying too cheap.

0:21:450:21:47

-HE TURNS THE ENGINE OFF Rubbish!

-Correct.

0:21:470:21:49

Oh! Agh! Agh!

0:21:510:21:54

Agh! Agh-agh! Oh!

0:21:540:21:55

No, no. No! No! Take her back.

0:21:550:21:59

I had this dream -

0:21:590:22:00

leather upholstery, smooth, glossy paintwork.

0:22:000:22:04

Not something that looks like a four-wheeled carrot!

0:22:060:22:09

GRUNTS OF PAIN

0:22:100:22:12

You must have another vehicle that you can't get rid of

0:22:130:22:17

that would suit our needs?

0:22:170:22:19

Huh?

0:22:190:22:20

There, look at these noble lines.

0:22:220:22:24

Look at the polish on her.

0:22:240:22:26

She looks all right from front.

0:22:260:22:28

Then again, so does she at number 14.

0:22:280:22:31

Yeah, well, imagine her surprise when you turn up in this!

0:22:310:22:35

Yeah, I can imagine.

0:22:350:22:38

Hey, I never knew that about cheese.

0:22:470:22:50

Oh, the Government keeps it quiet.

0:22:500:22:52

They're worried about overpopulation.

0:22:520:22:55

-So, how much do you want?

-Oh, I'll take the whole piece.

0:22:550:22:59

Oh, right!

0:22:590:23:00

Ha-ha!

0:23:000:23:01

Oh, doesn't anybody have the right change any more?

0:23:010:23:05

-Well, I can come back tomorrow.

-No, it's OK. I'll check it.

0:23:050:23:09

Oh, they've started talking to you now!

0:23:140:23:17

They must know who's their biggest fan.

0:23:180:23:21

I reserve the right to return this if it isn't kosher.

0:23:280:23:31

Well, if it's coming back, don't wear it out.

0:23:310:23:33

Sign there.

0:23:340:23:36

So I know where it's come from.

0:23:360:23:38

-Well, it came from you, 20 minutes ago!

-Oh, ha-ha!

0:23:380:23:41

BELL RINGS

0:23:430:23:44

That thing is going to ruin my love life.

0:23:460:23:50

Most people's love life works perfectly satisfactorily

0:23:500:23:55

on leather upholstery.

0:23:550:23:57

Not if you can't even get them inside!

0:23:570:23:59

BELL RINGS

0:23:590:24:01

I hope it's...no-one close.

0:24:060:24:09

-Eh?

-The hearse outside!

0:24:100:24:12

OK, OK, so it looks a bit too much like what it was.

0:24:130:24:19

-But it's beautiful.

-Pfft! He means cheap.

0:24:190:24:22

It just needs commercialising.

0:24:220:24:25

A few adverts on it, you know, to make it our own.

0:24:250:24:28

Right, so, Gastric, you go and get your tools.

0:24:280:24:32

-Cyril, you will help him, right?

-Oh, I was just passing.

0:24:320:24:36

-I really ought to get back...

-Oh, don't fight it, Cyril.

0:24:360:24:40

-You've been conscripted.

-Oh.

0:24:400:24:42

And apparently, he left his undies behind, with his initials on!

0:24:450:24:51

Well, if you get that close to a man,

0:24:510:24:53

you ought to know what his name is.

0:24:530:24:55

Initials are a bit unnecessary. It's like wearing a number plate.

0:24:550:25:00

Well, I can't see the point of initials.

0:25:000:25:03

If there was a whole chapter, at least you'd have something to read.

0:25:030:25:06

Oh, I can't read in bed. The cat objects.

0:25:060:25:09

I like Eric to read in bed.

0:25:090:25:11

I've always got a spare book ready, just in case he finishes one.

0:25:110:25:15

You should train your husband. I trained all mine.

0:25:150:25:18

What were you training them for?

0:25:180:25:20

Well, I wasn't entering them for anything.

0:25:200:25:23

It's like climbing Everest, you do it because they're there.

0:25:230:25:26

Mine was rarely there.

0:25:260:25:28

Which is the nicest thing he ever did for me. Cheers!

0:25:280:25:32

ALL: Cheers! THEY GIGGLE

0:25:320:25:34

It was like catching the wrong bus, when I got married.

0:25:440:25:47

As soon as I saw his initials on his pyjamas,

0:25:470:25:50

I knew who he was really in love with.

0:25:500:25:53

You see more than initials. Some people have tattoos

0:25:530:25:57

where nobody's any business sticking their nib in.

0:25:570:26:00

Eric wanted one. A dagger!

0:26:000:26:03

I said, "Eric, start with something you know.

0:26:030:26:06

"You know, like a pencil with a rubber on the end."

0:26:060:26:08

LAUGHTER

0:26:080:26:10

You can get some that, if you jiggle them about,

0:26:100:26:13

they look like they're moving!

0:26:130:26:15

They're called husbands.

0:26:150:26:16

I think I can honestly say all of mine went to their graves unmarked.

0:26:160:26:21

On the outside, anyway.

0:26:210:26:23

Leroy? How's the shop?

0:26:270:26:30

The new van is fine.

0:26:310:26:34

Well, it's a classic vehicle.

0:26:340:26:38

I've got a few more errands to run, and then I'll be back.

0:26:380:26:42

'Well, we got them to the church on time in the end.

0:27:290:27:33

'Although they looked a bit agitated

0:27:330:27:36

'while I sorted my cardboard from my plastics.

0:27:360:27:40

'I don't know why our Leroy has taken against it.

0:27:440:27:48

'I thought the young were all in favour

0:27:480:27:51

'of plenty of room in the back.'

0:27:510:27:52

Have you got any special offers?

0:27:590:28:01

Yes, I have. Fresh in today.

0:28:010:28:03

-Oh, my favourite kind.

-Come on. THEY GIGGLE

0:28:030:28:06

'I wonder if I could interest Mavis in that last bit of cheese.

0:28:130:28:18

'Maybe it does have powerful effects after all. Hee-hee.'

0:28:190:28:23

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