Episode 7 Still Open All Hours

So you're now a delivery point?

Congratulations! I'm very happy for you.

Just one thing...

what does it mean?

This should not be taken as any evidence that I am dim.

Are you sure?

I was top in school in geography.

I was the only one who knew where Calcutta was.

As long as you're sure that you can absorb new information.

Oh, I can handle any amount of information.

I'm a sponge, me.

Where is Calcutta anyway?

The best way is down the A19 as far as York.

Oh.

Supposing you buy something from the internet,

they can have their stuff delivered here at the delivery point

and then they can pick it up whenever they want.

Pick up what?

HORN TOOTS

I'm late back.

And why am I late back?

I got caught by Mr Mottram.

Not with Mrs Mottram, I hope.

Do you mind? She's less feminine than Mr Mottram.

It's only because she won't shave.

Mr Mottram can talk forever about steam railways.

I bet he doesn't know where Calcutta is.

HE GROANS

All right, come here.

Come on, you're going to have to learn some time.

Off you go.

TILL RINGS

CLATTERING

TILL RINGS

CLATTERING

Ah!

I'm getting very worried about this counter space.

-Don't speak to me, I'm not here.

-Well, where are you, then?

Asleep, in bed, where any sane person ought to be.

You young people, you don't know you're born.

When I were your age, we had to get up before we even went to bed.

Yes, I'm worried about this counter space.

That's another thing.

Who in their right mind would be worrying about counter space?

Because...

You know,

when the world is full of beauty and magnificence,

and Georgina Middleford?

We're going to have to cut you down on your carbohydrates, you.

She looked at me and I could hear music.

Although, fair enough, we were in a disco.

I saw him last night with his tart.

Tart?! That were prime real estate, mate!

If she was a building, she'd be Grade I listed.

She looked like something Mother used to warn me against.

And I was stupid enough to listen.

I suppose it's too late now.

No, no, it's never too late. Remember, there's Madge out there.

Don't you think she lacks personality?

She's got tonnes of personality.

It's nasty, but it's there.

You're not a great judge of women, Gastric.

The wife said that, in her very last letter.

Oh, sorry! I didn't realise she was dead.

She's not dead. She's living with a bloke in Luton.

Well, that's close enough.

I came home, found this note,

"I'm leaving you. Your dinner's in the oven."

Macaroni cheese.

I could forgive her the bloke in Luton, but I mean, macaroni cheese!

Oh, dear! Gastric!

Isn't it strange how fate moves in mysterious ways?

Because Madge hates macaroni cheese!

But is that enough for a relationship?

Oh, yes, I mean, it's got legs,

it's much better than any physical attraction.

I don't wish to believe that.

Just a minute, you, Grade I listed,

you do realise you need planning permission

before you tamper with anything?

Should've gone to Australia when we had the chance.

I'm not going to Australia!

It's full of spiders!

Well, Auntie Jesse's daughter's doing all right.

She speaks the language.

At least they've got sunlight there.

It's been dark here all week.

Their noses go white.

It's a sun cream.

I don't suppose anything else is white.

I'm still not going.

Don't you ever get bored with the way things are?

You're just like Dolly.

Oh, Dolly was nice.

And now she's dead. Fat lot of good it did her.

Are you saying nice is fatal?

You think nasty lives longer?

Doesn't it? And certainly often better.

And it's going to be different in Australia?

I'm just fed up with looking at people's heads.

Could be worse.

You could be a prostate surgeon.

SHE CHUCKLES

Right, Leroy, here, come on, come in here a minute.

-I want to show you something.

-Oh, you drag me from me washing...

Look, MY friends would be humbled at the range of my activities.

Yes, well, don't worry about that. Come in there, into the shop,

where the customer stands, go on.

Is this an exam, hm?

Will there be a written paper?

See, we've been wasting this space, doing nothing with it.

There's no room behind there as it is.

This is prime advertising space here.

Right in front of the customer's face, that.

-Look.

-May I say one word?

-You may.

-Balloons.

Oh, keep still!

Hey, it's a haircut, not an execution!

She's in one of those moods best described as "bad".

I am this week, I admit.

You don't do so bad most weeks.

I've always held you up as the perfect example of feminine malice.

We don't just come here for the hairstyles, you know -

we come here for the lessons in nasty.

Let's be honest, there's none of us need any lessons.

What's it all about this week?

I don't know, I just hate everything.

Sounds reasonable to me.

We all get times like that.

Wednesdays.

Why Wednesdays?

There's something about Eric on Wednesdays.

Six out of seven's not bad.

I know what she means.

My third husband was a nuisance on Fridays.

It was his day off.

He seemed to be under the impression that it was playtime.

I wake up in the morning thinking, "Shouldn't there be something more?"

That was him on Fridays.

I think she needs a man.

At least it would give her a focus to be miserable about.

Nobody NEEDS a man.

They're just sort of inevitable.

If you keep them below room temperature,

you'd hardly know they were there.

I don't fancy one full-time in the house,

but it would be nice to have one for special occasions.

They say married men make the best lovers...

but I suspect that's when they're playing away.

They say that woman in Hardwick Street

was lifted completely out of her depression

by him that came to fix her boiler.

Well, I don't want anybody fixing MY boiler.

You could use a bit of companionship.

Get a cat!

Oh, dear, married bliss taking a bit of a dip?

Do you know what I found in Eric's pocket?

A lady's stocking.

THEY GASP

You go through his pockets?

SHE SCREAMS

I believe this is yours, madam?

HE CHUCKLES

Go on. Tell Leroy, he'll have some ideas.

He's always covered in totty.

-Wouldn't say always.

-Tell him.

-Get some help.

-I'm beyond all human aid.

His wife found a woman's stocking in his pocket.

He's right, he's beyond all human aid.

I think we ought to give him a bit of support.

Support?!

I'm already wearing more than cricketers wear!

She's got a brutal elbow when you're not expecting it!

Listen, I've been listening to you lot in there.

Now, come on, you ought to lighten up, right?

There.

HE CHUCKLES

-Is this a delivery point?

-Yes, it is.

-I've got an item for you.

-All right, bring it in.

Sign here.

We're going to need a bigger cat.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

KNOCK AT DOOR

How long are you planning on staying sulking up here?

Forever.

Oh, well, as long as you've got some goal in mind.

I should probably go on hunger strike.

-No lunch, then?

-I thought maybe after lunch.

Why are you always so placid?

Oh, I was happy to find I'm placid.

For years, I thought I was stupid.

Don't you ever get totally, absolutely,

mind-bogglingly fed up with things?

You know I'm no good at decisions.

So, she finds one stocking in your pocket

and now she thinks you're being unfaithful?

That's right.

Unfaithful with somebody with one leg?

They nail you for one leg as viciously as two.

Well, that's how they are.

No sense of proportion.

It seems to me not unreasonable that they might wonder

how this stocking came to be in your pocket.

I thought it were a scarf.

Hang about, just a minute, when you were removing this stocking,

didn't you think,

"Well, it's a bit, you know, like, some way from the neck?"

I've heard of poor sense of direction, but that's pushing it.

I didn't take it off!

It came to me empty.

What, with no leg in it?

Well, of course no leg in it!

What would I be doing with a leg in me pocket?!

Whose stocking is it?

I've no idea.

What, you told that to Kath?!

No wonder she doesn't believe you.

WE don't believe you.

Even if it is true,

on occasions like this, you're better off with a lie.

Kath can spot a lie at 50 paces.

There is no reasonable lie that can explain

a lady's stocking in your pocket.

Can we stop talking about lies?!

I was stood in the pub,

this fella brushed up against me, he said,

"Here, take this. I don't want the wife to catch me with it,"

and then he rushed off out.

-I

-thought it were a scarf,

so I put it in my pocket and waited for him to come back!

I stand corrected.

Thank you.

-That's a damn good lie.

-Yeah.

He's looking better, I think, since I got him on antacids.

Does he suffer from excess acid?

No more than the next chap.

He used to sound like the bath emptying.

Sounds like a nervous stomach to me.

Eric's got one, and it's going to get worse.

It's you.

You fly straight to my stomach.

You're in the first flush of a new romance, man.

That's not where you're supposed to get excited.

I'm new at this.

Yes, and we'll both be old if you don't stir yourself.

It's fear, that's what it is.

You overwhelm me.

Oh, surely not, after our magical picnic for two.

-When?

-Possibly very shortly, if you stop this bolshiness.

HE HUMS TO HIMSELF

Ah, you're just in time.

For what?

To catch the bus to paradise...

from my bedroom. I've shifted the baked beans.

But I've got Madge, who's taken to her bed.

It's a bad time for buses to paradise.

Oh, I've got a feeling the wheel's coming off already.

She's on one of her two-day sulks.

She goes to her bedroom and she practises being nasty.

She has to practise being nasty?!

Listen, I've got an idea.

Why don't we send Gastric over to release some of his passion

to show her that she's still wanted?

She's off men. She'll be nasty to him.

No, no, no! He's immune to nasty.

He used to work for an energy company.

Ay up, I think I'm having a brainwave.

What if I told the wife that YOU put the stocking there as a gag?

Look at me. It's me.

I'm not a kamikaze pilot.

Don't you think my missus would want to know

how come I had a lady's stocking?

Besides, you didn't help me when she found what looked like lipstick.

Do you know why it looked like lipstick?

-Because that's what it was!

-You still could have helped.

-What was

-I

-supposed to do?

You could've said you saw me stumble against some lipstick by accident.

Be honest, you thought it were funny, me being caught.

-Rubbish!

-Just like I think it's funny you being caught

with a stocking in your pocket.

But you know I'm innocent!

That's why it's hilarious.

I hear on the jungle telegraph that

Eric was caught with an unidentified female stocking.

Mm-hm. Thrust upon him by a stranger.

-As they do.

-Do you believe that?

I'm intrigued by it only being a single stocking.

Oh, you're right!

It's been my experience that, if you're going to lose one,

you're probably going to lose two.

-Oh, yeah.

-Might one ask if that has been your experience?

I don't have your depth of experience.

Oh, don't give up hope.

There are solutions available.

You know, Mr Newbold plays bowls and he's a very tall person.

Well, I fear for his back.

Well, under your regime, his front's not looking too happy.

No, it's just the ugly caterpillar stage

before you turn them into a butterfly.

Stick insect, more like.

Is the proprietor not on the premises, Leroy?

Er, back shortly, Mrs Featherstone.

Well, I think we'll wait.

Why should we wait?

Leroy's perfectly capable.

I often think that.

And how are you, dear?

Still mastering the skills of single parenthood?

Nearly grown up now, Mrs Featherstone.

Oh, well, I'm glad for you and how is your daughter?

Pay no attention, Mrs Hussein.

Mrs Featherstone is having early training problems

with her potential fourth husband.

Just teething troubles.

Fourth time?

You should be grateful he's got any teeth.

SHE SIGHS

This way. That's it.

Hold him there. No, no!

My way. To me. To me.

Oh!

BOTH: Agh!

CRACK!

Oh!

Now look what you've done!

Looks like it's always been there.

Yeah.

I ought to charge him for improvements.

Gastric's only trying to cheer you up.

I'm supposed to encourage Gastric

because he'd be handy round the house?

You're prepared to pimp me to fix your boiler?

You will be a bitter, lonely, old woman.

I'll give it a good try.

Right, go on. Up you go.

Quietly, and then, we'll raise the mouse.

And when you get up there, put your arm around him

and lean in, cheek to cheek, and smile.

That is bound to melt the stoniest of hearts.

-Do I say anything?

-Like what?

If you were to say anything, what would you say?

Oh, stop being such a misery, Madge.

From me and this mouse.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Just smile, will you?

Now, go on, up you go.

LADDER CLATTERS Sh! Be quiet.

Go on. Remember, quietly. Give us a hand with this mouse.

Here we go.

Ups-a-daisy.

And don't forget, put your arm around it.

Lean in, cheek to cheek.

Yeah.

Argh!

Oh!

Don't worry, I'm all right.

It broke me fall.

Look what you've done to this mouse.

Oh, I'm sorry you're so upset about me(!)

Somebody's going to be coming to collect this!

-Thank you.

-Oh!

Ooh!

HE COUGHS

It's wet through.

Of course it's wet through!

Your lady friend poured a bucket of water over it.

My lady friend? I like the sound of that.

I could get used to that.

Right then, sir, what are we doing for you?

-Backcombed, or just a blow-dry?

-Come on, Leroy!

Just get it dry before the owner comes.

Oh, forget it. Forget it. We'll never get it dry like this.

We're going to have to try and dry it naturally,

you know, in the open air.

Right, come on. Follow me.

Push it down.

Watch its head. Watch its head.

Now what?

Well, we've got to keep the air moving around it.

Right.

To you. To me.

To you.

You'll put a window out. You'll put a window out.

-Right.

-It won't work. In my opinion, no chance.

Come on, Mr Muscle.

Right, get it spinning.

Hey, hey, hey!

Not dragging it across the floor.

-Who's doing this?

-You. Badly! Now, come on.

-Get it up into the air.

-Right.

-That's it.

-That's it.

Faster. Get it higher.

Now, let out more rope, so it gets more breeze.

That's it. More rope.

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

Don't worry, don't worry. I'm all right.

Is it all right?

Oh, it's still soaking.

It's never going to work like this.

We need more air round it.

We need a vehicle.

I know, Gastric's Mini.

-Ha!

-Oh, yes.

-That's it.

Come on. Lift your end. Come on.

Right, Gastric, ready when you are.

Well, she's getting some breeze now.

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, 'eck!

That is a dead mouse.

Right. Come on, give us a hand here.

'Looks like I've bought me a mouse.

'You wouldn't have liked living with him anyway.

'It's a good job I got a reduction on account of your condition.'

Madge has got a dripping tap.

Note who she turns to in an emergency?

THEY LAUGH

Go on. Say it.

Hello, Granville.

Oh!

Gets me every time.

It's like music.

-Fish and chips?

-Mm-hm!

-Madge is busy with a dripping tap.

Oh!

-Can you help me get the mouse inside?

-Mm-hm.

How come she's suddenly got a dripping tap?

It wasn't as hard as I thought.