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Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

I always think how well you look, hatless amid the broccoli.

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It's mainly cabbage.

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I don't think that seriously modifies my observation.

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Is he attending to you, Mrs Hussein?

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Not as well as I'd like.

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Well, she comes right out with it.

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Could I point out that this is only a starter sample

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of the options available?

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LEROY YAWNS

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I'm not giving the till any money this morning, so if it's listening,

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it should understand that I'm merely walking past,

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on my way to another errand entirely.

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Ah!

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GRANVILLE CHUCKLES Gotcha! In you go.

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Right, I...

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I said, "In you go".

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In you...

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In!

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This till has got to be retired.

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Ow!

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Serves you right. You should get a new one.

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Your Great Uncle Arkwright is living in there somewhere.

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It's just a till!

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GRANVILLE COUGHS

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And to think you only used to believe in money.

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The spirit of the till will not reveal itself to you because...

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GRANVILLE COUGHS

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..you're young, and you think you know it all.

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Right, what am I having for me breakfast?

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Gastric, YOU are supposed to tell US.

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Not round here. He sells you stuff he wants to get rid of.

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Good morning, Gastric.

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-Morning.

-Look at this.

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Fresh kippers, there, look. A gentleman's breakfast.

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-And that is fresh from the smokery.

-You see?

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I'll take a pair.

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I can pick the bones out me teeth while I'm pondering.

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Deep thoughts?

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Why not? Did you think I were thick?

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Never. Not once.

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Even when you thought Colchester were a lung infection.

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Colchester. I'm told me Uncle Willie had it.

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-Did he get better?

-No.

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Well, he probably DID have it, then.

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I'll tell you what I've got - problems with that Madge.

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I'm at a crossroads.

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-I'm in the dark.

-Well, I think we can help you with that.

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Well, why would you bother? I've already bought two kippers.

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Gastric, everything's not about money.

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You bring your problems in here, you know, and I like that.

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You feel you're in the dark? Right.

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-We have the answer.

-I'm listening.

-Here it is.

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One solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap

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with flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.

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Thank you. Right.

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Are you sure this butter's fresh?

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Mm?

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GRANVILLE SIGHS

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Yes, it's perfectly fresh.

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Oh.

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There was poor Gastric,

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looking for a bit of sympathy, and what does he get?

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A flashlight.

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The man said he were in a dark place.

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Mentally! It's Madge. He's worried she might be leaving.

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I'm worried she might be leaving if she's taking Mavis with her.

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He's concerned that he's getting nowhere with Madge.

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Well, he should take her out more often, shouldn't he, eh?

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Can you name one single night when he's ever taken her out?

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Eh? No!

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Well, he's got no excuse now, because he got a torch!

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And do you know what you said to me?

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"The bathroom needs new tiles."

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Is that so terrible?

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I was trying to kiss you at the time!

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I had both hands full with your dinner. You pick a hell of a time.

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In days gone by, you would have put down the plates.

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Today, I'm just part of the furniture.

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If you're sulking because of how long it is since

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you've had a polish, then you can forget it!

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You used to look at me, and it was like...

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..a light bulb going on.

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I'm talking 200 watts.

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Are we going into town or aren't we?

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Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get 40.

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I mean, how much excitement can you get from 40 watts?

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Stop bragging. You peak at 30.

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Go for it. Up your game, now.

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Invite her out.

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Tonight.

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To be honest, I have trouble getting past, "Hello, Madge".

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I'm OK as far as, "Hello, Madge".

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-Do you want me to come with you?

-Yes.

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No. He's got to do this.

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Tell her you want to take her somewhere nice.

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A little token of appreciation for all of the...

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-Ferocious rollickings she gives him.

-Mm.

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It gets so you nearly enjoy it.

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It's like being wrapped in warm nettles.

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Tell her we're all going out posh tonight,

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and you want to take her with us.

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Does that come straight after "Hello, Madge," or do I have to...?

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Just...will you go?!

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And how is Mrs Roper?

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Oh, it's our 40th next month.

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Oh, you must be getting used to each other by now, then.

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People ask me, "What's the secret?" And I say, "It's simple.

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"The man has to be in charge."

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Oh!

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Is Mrs Roper aware of that?

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Oh, you don't tell her. You go about it crafty.

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And you might, if you're really cunning,

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go as far as letting her think that SHE'S in charge.

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Well, you seem to have pulled that one off, Mr Roper.

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Well, is there anything else?

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No, no, you're fine.

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You don't get to 40 years without learning a few tricks.

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No, that's true.

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Oh, that'll be £5 for the kippers then, please.

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Oh, thank you. Right.

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Did Mrs Roper get her torch?

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-Torch?

-Yes, last time she was in, she said she wanted a torch

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for emergencies, and, well, I hadn't got one in at the time.

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Emergencies? I handle the emergencies.

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She probably thinks that you've noticed that she needs a torch

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for emergencies. I mean, you being, you know, in charge.

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Yeah, that's true. She relies on me.

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Of course.

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Well, after 40 years, I expect you get like that, don't you?

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You know, practically knowing each other's thoughts.

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Yes, you do.

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Have you got a torch in now?

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Funnily enough, I got some in specially, yes.

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There you are. That's a solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap

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and flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.

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-I'd better take one.

-Decisions - I like that.

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I like that - shows that you're in charge.

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Right, so that's £15 for the torch, £5 for the kippers -

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that's exactly £20.

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Well done. You just owe me for the batteries.

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GRANVILLE HUMS

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You two really are twitchy.

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Have you thought about Doctor Proctor's nerve tonic?

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No!

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Hey, this is too serious. We're not buying any rubbish.

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Oh, that IS serious.

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Be gentle with us. Go easy for once.

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You sold us an ice cream, we only came in for advice.

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It's no good appealing to his better nature.

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He's never known the perils of matrimony.

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GRANVILLE CHUCKLES What?

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You two only have to deal with one housewife.

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Me, I have to deal with at least 20 housewives a day.

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If you want any advice about how to handle wives,

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you have come to the right place.

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-We're listening.

-But, hey...

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..no Doctor Proctor's, eh?

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The trouble is, with you two, your wives are taking you for granted.

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Now, they wouldn't do if they thought that

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you were seeing another woman.

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-BOTH:

-She'd kill him!

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I don't mean a real other woman.

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What I mean is, you get a friend of yours to put on a wig,

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and just dress up a bit.

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-That's a big bit!

-Where do we find somebody as loopy as that?

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Uh-uh!

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Then, I'm sorry, gentlemen, we do not carry one in stock.

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You're just going to have to look up your long list of acquaintances.

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Thank you.

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-BOTH:

-Newbold!

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Oh, is he not in?

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Duty calls him elsewhere at the moment, Mrs Featherstone.

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Can I be of assistance?

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Are you qualified for the mature person?

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You always make me feel as if I'm involved with a toy boy.

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I didn't mean, "Can I be of that much assistance?"

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I've never been happy disclosing my needs to persons of your generation.

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You're always very polite,

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but God knows what you get up to on the internet.

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Is there any specific reason you don't like me attending to you?

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I have seen you covered in trollop,

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up to your eyebrows in trainee hussies.

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Not recently, Mrs Featherstone.

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I'm chasing a vegan.

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Are there any left?

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You could do worse than model yourself on Mr Newbold.

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He is a man of impeccable self-restraint.

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Damn near soporific.

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Don't be shy of asking me.

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What are friends for? What can I do for you?

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-Tell him.

-I'm telling him!

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I'm choosing the words.

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What if...

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our wives got the idea that we were showing an interest

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in another woman?

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But of course, on account of the mortal danger it would involve...

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..we can't afford to get mixed up with a REAL other woman.

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So, we need to be seen, if only at a distance,

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..in the company of, shall we say...

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..a strange woman.

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In which case, your help would prove invaluable.

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I already have a strange woman.

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And I doubt whether you'd want one as strange as that.

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We need an illusion of a woman.

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Oh, she's no illusion.

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-Woman enough to get the rumours circulating.

-Mm.

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But, hang on...

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..I'm getting an idea here.

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What you need...

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..is some chap.

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Go on.

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It's a lot to ask. He'd have to be very well disposed towards you.

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-An absolute jewel.

-Top of the heap.

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Someone willing to play the part...

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..of a lady.

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Now, don't dismiss it out of hand.

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Oh, no.

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I realise it's a big step.

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And where are you likely to find an idiot like that?

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No!

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Absolutely not!

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I don't really need a torch.

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You need a proper restaurant.

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You can't take Madge and Mavis to some greasy spoon.

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I know it's not that you lack the nerve, but really.

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Thank you.

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Ah! Oh! Ah!

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Yes, but if I'm paying,

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you know that my digestive system can't handle expensive.

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I'm told this restaurant's reasonable.

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Huh. I shan't enjoy it.

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I'll be wondering about how you're getting on minding the shop.

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But I'm not minding the shop.

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I'm going with you. I've invited a young lady.

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Well, who's minding the shop?

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Take a deep breath, listen to me...

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..can't we close early, for once?

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You see what he thinks?

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Well, what do YOU think?

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I'm with him.

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GRANVILLE HUMS

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Oh! By the look of you two, this is not happy hour.

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Old Newbold won't do it.

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He refuses flatly to go girlie.

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No problem. You do it yourselves.

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You become your own other woman.

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One of you goes female,

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and then you take turns so that you can both be seen out

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with another woman.

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Would I want to be seen out with him?

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Hey! I don't fancy you that much, either.

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Listen, you're not going to get married,

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you're just doing it to start a rumour, aren't you?

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All right, I'll tell you what -

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we'll toss a coin for who goes female first.

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Right.

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Arkwright, can I borrow a coin?

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Thank you. I shall return it.

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Right, I'm going to toss the coin, you call.

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Loser goes first.

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-Tails.

-Heads.

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Oh!

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GRANVILLE CHUCKLES

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Hello, sweetie.

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CYRIL LAUGHS

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Come away. It's locked and bolted.

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Not to mention locked and bolted.

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GRANVILLE GRUNTS

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Oh, you've overloaded the money belt.

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I'm not leaving my innocent money to get into the clutches

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of evil toerags.

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-Who parked that thing there?

-I've no idea.

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What's he doing now?

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He's telling Arkwright to keep an eye on the shop.

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Don't ask. Right, I'll see you at the restaurant.

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-Hang on a minute.

-Oh, now what?

-It's all right.

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-No, I'll be back in a flash.

-Oh!

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Oh, my first customer.

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What a pity he's badly bent.

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Ah! Oh!

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Only a temporary...

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Listen, if you see anybody going to the shop, give them a whistle

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and get them back over here, cos I've stocked you well up.

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I'm on a power trip.

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And if they look half kettled, sell them a torch.

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-I'll torch them to death.

-Yes!

-Trust me, I'm on a roll.

-Good.

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Now, any problems, give me a call, all right?

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Or I could call Leroy, save you the trouble.

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Straighten up. You're walking like your elastic's gone!

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This is as straight as it gets without doing some serious damage.

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-Get in!

-Oh!

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Can we get the old gentleman a chair?

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Well, what's anybody having?

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A coronary.

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Every time I see these prices, my money belt gives a twinge.

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You're out of touch. How long is it since you last went out for a meal?

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I'll tell you how long it's going to be before I go out for the next one.

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Well, you only live once.

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You can't afford twice!

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MONEY BELT CREAKS Oh!

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Do you live in town, Beth?

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Just on the outskirts.

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She's a vegan.

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Still, I don't see why they can't let her into town!

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I only mention it to explain why we'll be having our own table.

0:18:200:18:24

You wouldn't want to be sat next to a couple of people

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crunching through salad, would you?

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So, what will you be having?

0:18:280:18:30

Oh... My favourite salad.

0:18:310:18:33

Oh, isn't love grand?

0:18:330:18:35

How long have you been on salad?

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Since I showed him the benefits.

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I can see where he sees the benefits.

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And what can we get you people?

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A mortgage!

0:18:490:18:50

Could you give us a couple more minutes?

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-Certainly.

-Give me a hand, will you?

0:18:540:18:57

I've got to release this thing.

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Oh, yes, thank you.

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Excuse me.

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MONEY JINGLES

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CREAKING

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That's better. Thank you.

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Thank you.

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They'll all be at the restaurant.

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It'll give you a chance to show them how close we're becoming.

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They should know already. You keep telling them.

0:19:210:19:24

There's nothing like them witnessing your show of affection.

0:19:240:19:27

"Show"? How much of a show?

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Well, just the usual courtesies. I don't want you mauling me.

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Much can be achieved by the right expression.

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Just not the one you're wearing now.

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I know him from some place.

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Stop staring, it's rude.

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There you go again. You hate me, don't you?

0:19:510:19:54

Not always.

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Go on. Tell her.

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What, already? We haven't even eaten.

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I was saving it for later.

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Tell me what?

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Gastric doesn't want you to leave the area.

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Nobody wants her to leave the area. I keep telling her.

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Mrs Duckett says the omens are wrong.

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I keep reminding her what happened when she went to Bridlington.

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I only went for a day.

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Exactly. If you can't get a day right,

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where do you get the nerve to try forever?

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Oh, go on, girl! I love it when you're roused.

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Thank you. I'll have the squid.

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Hey, you do know that a squid has eight arms?

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Given the right circumstances, I can do a very good impression.

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I know!

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Who's that with Cyril?

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And why did he bother?

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Oh, he'll look a bit sick when he sees us here.

0:21:000:21:03

Don't you start gossiping,

0:21:030:21:05

otherwise you'll get him into trouble with his wife.

0:21:050:21:08

He's looking for trouble, bringing her here.

0:21:080:21:10

She must be some brazen slapper.

0:21:100:21:13

Who was that?

0:21:280:21:30

Just a neighbour. Probably his auntie.

0:21:310:21:34

Take your glasses off.

0:21:360:21:37

What, and be recog...

0:21:380:21:40

..recognised?

0:21:400:21:41

"Oh, look, there's Eric dressed as an old bag."

0:21:430:21:45

Stop right there. Forget that notion.

0:21:450:21:48

I wouldn't be caught dead with an old bag.

0:21:480:21:50

You're my escort for the evening, and therefore, you are...

0:21:500:21:54

..beautiful.

0:21:560:21:57

Give over, will you? You're creeping me out.

0:21:590:22:03

Ooh, well!

0:22:040:22:06

What a coincidence, seeing you people here.

0:22:060:22:09

Mr Newbold's always whisking me off for a little dolce vita.

0:22:090:22:13

Softening me up, I fear.

0:22:130:22:15

It makes you wonder what they have in mind.

0:22:150:22:18

Ooh, ooh... GRANVILLE STRAINS

0:22:280:22:30

Your father's weird.

0:22:320:22:33

Yeah.

0:22:330:22:34

I've noticed that.

0:22:340:22:35

I can see where you get yours from.

0:22:350:22:38

What? You think I'm weird?

0:22:380:22:40

You came to the library dressed as a banana.

0:22:400:22:44

Only because my gherkin suit were at the dry cleaners.

0:22:440:22:46

We'll get the word out now. She'll spread it.

0:22:490:22:52

What if people come over here?

0:22:520:22:54

How are you going to introduce me?

0:22:540:22:56

What am I called?

0:22:560:22:58

-Vera.

-Bog off!

0:22:590:23:01

That's a wife's name.

0:23:040:23:05

We're having an affair here, a hot fling.

0:23:050:23:08

I ought to be something more...

0:23:080:23:10

exotic.

0:23:100:23:12

You're getting carried away, hey?

0:23:120:23:14

You're going over the top again.

0:23:140:23:17

I'm seeking authenticity.

0:23:170:23:19

It's not just the dress, you know.

0:23:190:23:21

I need to...

0:23:210:23:23

feel the person.

0:23:230:23:24

OK. It's...

0:23:260:23:28

Dolores.

0:23:280:23:30

Feel that?

0:23:330:23:34

Will you be able to spell it?

0:23:380:23:39

Why would I want to spell it?

0:23:390:23:41

Dolores likes to cover all the angles.

0:23:410:23:43

Maybe she's a perfectionist.

0:23:430:23:45

More like obsessive.

0:23:450:23:47

Oh, well, forgive me if Dolores is becoming too much of a bother!

0:23:470:23:50

Crab apple jelly.

0:23:540:23:55

-Sorry?

-You sold me crab apple, a boat-load of crab apple jelly.

0:23:550:24:00

Oh, yes. That's right. Well, tell your friends,

0:24:000:24:04

and tell them to hurry, because stocks are limited.

0:24:040:24:07

"The old witch's recipe", you said.

0:24:070:24:10

Oh, yes. Excuse me, won't you? Just a moment.

0:24:100:24:13

Yes, that'll be Mrs Duckett.

0:24:130:24:15

She pulled it off the old psychic internet.

0:24:150:24:18

"Guaranteed to revitalise your romance", you said.

0:24:180:24:22

Mm-hm?

0:24:220:24:24

Does that look revitalised?

0:24:240:24:25

I feed her bucketsful, and for what? Nothing.

0:24:280:24:31

I'll tell you what I do get, malice.

0:24:310:24:34

Did you get the additive?

0:24:340:24:36

Oh, yes, yes. You sold me Doctor Proctor's additive.

0:24:360:24:40

I've been lobbing drops in her every mouthful.

0:24:400:24:42

I see. And did you wait for the trigger?

0:24:420:24:45

Nobody mentioned a trigger.

0:24:450:24:47

Oh, well, that's it, isn't it?

0:24:480:24:50

You forgot the trigger.

0:24:500:24:52

Now, I tell you what, you go back to her, with my blessing,

0:24:520:24:57

take her home.

0:24:570:24:59

She will be more than you can handle

0:24:590:25:02

when she hears any Frank Sinatra album.

0:25:020:25:07

-So, Frank Sinatra's the trigger?

-Yes.

0:25:070:25:11

Take her home, put the music on,

0:25:110:25:13

but make sure you're holding on to something firm. Right?

0:25:130:25:16

THEY LAUGH

0:25:190:25:21

What are you doing under the table?

0:25:250:25:27

Is this you staring at my legs?

0:25:290:25:31

You dropped a napkin.

0:25:330:25:34

Well, there's no point in showing your affection under there.

0:25:350:25:38

Let them see it in your eyes.

0:25:380:25:41

Now, start with a bit of yearning.

0:25:410:25:44

Up your game, man. Go for passionate.

0:25:440:25:47

And madam would like?

0:25:510:25:52

I think I'll start with a ballotine of free-range chicken,

0:25:540:25:58

with a maple-infused duck.

0:25:580:26:01

How much?!

0:26:020:26:03

Oh! Ooh...

0:26:030:26:05

CREAKING AND GRANVILLE STRAINS

0:26:050:26:08

What's your father doing?

0:26:090:26:11

My head in.

0:26:110:26:13

CREAKING

0:26:130:26:15

GRANVILLE SIGHS

0:26:150:26:16

I suppose it's worth it if Madge is staying, hey?

0:26:170:26:21

-Who said I would stay?

-Shut up!

0:26:210:26:23

Hello, Mavis!

0:26:260:26:28

Hello, Granville.

0:26:280:26:30

-Well, I must say, I thought that was delicious.

-ROMANTIC MUSIC

0:26:330:26:37

# Once I get you up there... #

0:26:370:26:39

Oh, hey! This is him.

0:26:420:26:44

Mr Cupid with his wonder jelly.

0:26:440:26:46

Oh... Mm...

0:26:470:26:49

Oh, hey up!

0:26:530:26:55

-This is a one-way jelly, you know.

-Oh, sorry. No, I...

0:26:550:26:58

Tart!

0:27:000:27:01

I... Hey!

0:27:020:27:04

DOOR CREAKS

0:27:070:27:09

Kath.

0:27:190:27:21

I know who I am.

0:27:210:27:23

Who the hell are you?

0:27:230:27:25

You're usually in bed.

0:27:250:27:27

Go on, explain yourself.

0:27:280:27:30

I'm not giving you time to think.

0:27:300:27:32

I want you to lie to me spontaneously.

0:27:320:27:34

But you should be in bed!

0:27:340:27:36

Any other time, you'd have been in bed.

0:27:360:27:38

With your back to me.

0:27:390:27:41

I don't know you any more.

0:27:420:27:44

Who are you?

0:27:450:27:46

Dolores.

0:27:480:27:50

Dolores?

0:27:510:27:52

Couldn't you have picked something a bit more...?

0:27:520:27:55

Oh, all right, then! Vera.

0:27:550:27:57

Vera. Yeah, better.

0:27:570:27:59

Although...

0:27:590:28:01

..I do feel more of a Susan.

0:28:020:28:04

Susan.

0:28:060:28:07

I tell you what, Susan,

0:28:070:28:09

Next time, let me do your face, eh?

0:28:090:28:13

'I'm going to have to review some prices round here

0:28:230:28:27

'to pay for that bill.

0:28:270:28:28

'I must say, that Mavis goes well with squid.

0:28:310:28:35

'I don't think our Leroy's going far with that vegan.

0:28:370:28:42

'I'd better get him some supper ready.

0:28:430:28:46

'He'll be starving after that salad.'

0:28:460:28:49

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