Episode 3 Sugartown

Long lost mum, not lost!

You know Travis, don't you? Our kid brother.

-You went behind my back with Max. And you slept with him.

-No!

What the hell has he done with that factory?

You are now standing in Yorkshire's Premier Hotel Complex.

You have caused nothing but trouble!

I will be better off without you.

-Carmen!

-The train only goes as far as Leeds.

She's upset, she's not well and I'm not there to look after her.

According to them, Max and I aren't brothers.

Max has no claim to the factory after all.

URBAN MUSIC PLAYS

I just thought it might be a little bit more elegant if we didn't, you know...

Yo, woman! Why is you be hatin' up in dis ere hizzhouse?

Dis vizzle's g'wan be beast, doggystyle. So don't be grindin' on ma grooves, fo!

Er, is that even English?

It's not Notorious BIG or clever to demean women, let alone mangle a plie.

# I got some troubles but they won't last

# I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass

# And pretty soon all my troubles will pass

# Cos I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo

# Shoo-shoo-shoo

# Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo

# Sugartown. #

So, we find ourselves the guardians of a terrible secret.

Us alone, we five.

Six. It is a heavy beast of burden that sits upon us.

We're not the Illuminati, Ron.

The point is, I don't think it should be a secret.

TOILET FLUSHES

Ah, it's Emily. She has returned to my fold following an undisclosed

tete a tete with Jason for an undisclosed period.

Well, I don't think we should tell Em.

Not until we've figured out what... IF we're going to tell Jase.

And you're 100%, Travis?

We've been through this four times, Michael.

Granted, the latter three were for Anne's sake. Max is not Burt's son.

So Max has no claim on the factory.

-And can be removed as the offending article.

-I need some air.

I didn't...

I don't want any of this. I'm going to shoot.

DOORBELL RINGS

So, nothing from Carmen at all?

Ah, Jason's here!

-Here, at my door!

-All right, Ron?

Hi.

Discussion group!

Yes. We always meet every week to debate the hot topics of the day.

Feminism, racism. Any topical "isms".

And today?

People sticking their noses into other people's discussion groups.

Ism.

-I just came to see Em.

-Oh, go right up.

I've heard bathroom movements already, so she's compus menstrus.

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Em, your dad said it was all right.

It is.

Sit.

When Robbie left,

I felt a lot of anger,

a lot of sadness. He was my favourite.

I was bereft.

-He came back.

-Yeah, though he shouldn't have.

They didn't need him any more.

-They'd moved on.

-Are we still talking about Take That?

He's my brother, Em.

Like it or not, it's fact.

I know that

he's part of your past. No, I have to accept that.

Question is whether you see him as part of your future, too.

Time and a triumphant comeback album have shown that Gary Barlow was the real star.

It's you I love.

So we are as one?

We tell Jason when he comes down.

I'll put the kettle on.

Ron, do you have any tea that's not made of bark?

Do you know, I think I'll try mountain rescue.

I doubt that she'll have taken a hang glider again but...

I'm not used to all this news.

Emily and Jason. Margery and Travis.

And Max and Travis and Jason.

And I haven't even begun to process the loss of Carmen, yet.

Hey, least you haven't changed!

No, I'm never news.

SEAGULLS CRY

What do you reckon to coming home?

-Really?

-Yeah.

Well, I kind of miss you,

and I don't know how to work the dishwasher.

We could take it slow.

-I don't want to.

-What?

I want to hurry into things.

Why not bring the wedding forward?

We have all the paperwork, thanks to my organisational skills.

Babe, what about your big day, your "wedding of the decade"?

Who cares about all that?

I barely do. Anyway, austerity weddings are so on trend right now.

Well, thanks to me, you haven't even got a dress.

I'll use Mum's!

Dad will be thrilled. He hasn't had the heart

to get rid of it, what with the polyester mix being non recyclable.

Jason Burr...

..will you marry me?

-Morning.

-BOTH: We've got something to tell you. What?

I'll defer.

We're getting married!

Yes, we know.

We were at your engagement party only the other week.

I've only just stopped wearing the hangover.

No, on Saturday.

Which Saturday, pumpkin?

-This Saturday.

-What? Bloody hell!

The Vicar's just confirmed. Luckily, she's uncomfortable with tears. She broke after only two minutes.

So, I'm going to need all of your help. Lots to do!

I'll provide work flow charts with all your daily targets.

Brilliant, isn't it? Oh, sorry, you had some news, too?

No, no, no, no.

What news? Not really.

Oh, well, look, that's...

Congratulations, that's great!

Plan B. YOU tell Max. Ron, come on, you've got to man up.

It's not as if he's going to hit you or anything. Probably.

-Dad, will you help me get Mum's wedding dress down from the loft?

-Yes.

Right, we might not have long, but I want it to be as near as damn it to Emily's perfect day.

SEAGULLS CRY

-And you're sure you want it totally gutted?

-Totally sure.

There's some cracking original features, Mr Burr, Max.

Mr Burr. Yeah, they're what I want rid of first.

In fact, excuse me.

Let me get the first blow in.

Yeah.

One for the mental scrapbook.

How's your Spanish?

Schoolgirl.

What is a macchiato?

Not Spanish.

I hope I haven't hit my glass ceiling.

Can we concentrate on me for just one minute, Anne? I am a blushing bride.

Right! Photos, Dad. Ribbonage, Michael.

Party Favours, Margery.

Flowers... Ooh, flowers!

In the bleak midwinter?

-Silk?

-Dried?

-I'm not walking down the aisle with pot pourri, Anne.

-You are incredible, Em, organising a wedding in a timescale and on a shoestring.

-I know!

I should be running the country.

Ooh, first dance! On my A list, Take That.

B list, a Minogue sister. Any.

C list, we're getting into Westlife.

But we're not at that stage, yet.

No, I mean, I'd completely forgotten about that important element of the reception itinerary.

You've seen Jason dance, it's just wrong. Fact.

I mean, remember Dad's 60th? That conga line.

We really do have a problem here.

I'm going to need inspiration from a worldwide community.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Any news?

This is classic Carmen.

She came, she saw, she closed a factory.

Now I can't move on just in case she comes back.

There are worse places to be stranded, eh?

Look, sorry, I wanted to ask.

I know it's only a few days away, but any chance you could show me round a wedding waltz?

I don't want to let Emily down. Bit of a surprise.

-But I'm not a twinkle toes.

-Well, we can give it a go, Twinkle.

She will come back.

Girl talk!

Shoo!

Have you...

spoken to Jason about this?

No. But I think I'd know what my own fiance would want.

It's just that the bride and groom's dance is traditionally

just the bride and groom.

Yeah, but Jason can't dance. Trust me, shocking. Literally, it looks like he's been plugged in.

I don't want anyone laughing at Jason on our special day, including me.

This way we can share our intimate, special day with a worldwide audience. Everyone's doing it,

uploading their wedding videos on YouTube.

It's a phenomenon of our modern age.

Oh, please? It could put the dance school on the map.

Oh, thank you!

Oooh, and don't worry about Carmen. She'll come back.

Not quite ready for the ribbon cutting yet, Ron.

That's not the only thing we mayors do, Max.

Sometimes, we are also beholden to bear tidings.

Let me line my ducks up in a row for you.

And I won't hold back, we're men of the world.

My late wife, Helen, never told me where she kept the HobNobs.

She knew I had a weakness, so she hid them

and so we see there how some secrets are there to protect us.

You do realise I'm holding a hammer, right?

So, as I say, when my wife died it took me two years to find that biscuit barrel.

This is an example of how secrets must out.

Ironically, by that time I'd moved on to Jammy Dodgers.

And so we see how people hide secrets in barrels when they feel they're doing the right thing.

Margery hid her biscuits.

So did your folks.

And now you're out of the barrel.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

I'm sure you want time to percolate your complex feelings.

I hope you'll at least stay for the happy day, mind?

Funny to think my little princess will be marrying young Jason come Saturday.

Times like this I still fancy a HobNob.

It never leaves you.

SHOP BELL RINGS

Thank you.

Oh, I don't have time to insult and despise you today, Max, I'm very busy.

-Holiday?

-Honeymoon.

Not sure I can get the time off.

Thailand? Jason'd never pull off a sarong.

-What do you want, Max?

-You to call it off, marry me instead.

Or we could go to Thailand. We could live in a hut on a beach.

-We'd be poor, but our love would feed us.

-You'd starve in a week.

Em... Em, do you really want to know why I came back to Sugartown?

For you.

Just...for you.

Yeah? Well, zero interest, so you may as well be on your way again.

I've got no desire to spend my marital bliss stuck between Jason's rock and your hard place.

You only want me because Jason has me.

I want you because I'm crazy about you.

You do this thing to me.

You make me want to pat kittens and listen to classical music.

I want you because I'm...

I love you.

Just the one kettle, then?

I suppose I'll have to take it.

So, from what you've outlined, all that Max will have got from this

is that you can't be left alone around biscuits.

-Epic fail, Ron.

-Another discussion group?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Please. Life's too short.

SEAGULLS CRY

Stop pretending to work.

We're like coiled springs here, Jason. Come on, cut us some slack.

I didn't do it. I'm not doing it.

-I'm not telling Max.

-What?

-We will get this factory back, somehow, but I'm not punching below the belt.

-And I hope I know you all well enough to know that you'll respect my feelings on this.

-But Max is...

My brother. End of.

This isn't just about you, Jason.

Not any more it isn't. You might be happy swearing off the factory

and letting this town go down Max's plughole, but what about Travis?

You should understand better than anyone.

He's family.

I'm not falling out with you on this, Margery.

At least see Travis right.

MAN CLEARS THROAT

She'll catch her death.

Listen, mate...

..your mum's worried about you.

Right.

I want you to know, it doesn't change any thing between me and Max.

We grew up together. There's history, know what I mean?

But you're my brother, too, and you're dad's son.

The factory's just as much yours as it is mine.

So Margery...

I want you to come over and work with us at Burrs.

I don't fancy being the meat in the sandwich with you and...

Say cheese!

Family portrait moment. It's a beautiful thing.

Champagne, I think.

I'm not staying, just here to see Travis.

-About?

-About giving working with me a try.

Oh, unworthy, Jason.

Tapping up our kid when my back's turned.

You must be torn, young Travis, eh?

Cool career in a hot spot, surrounded by girls with long legs and short skirts

or tweezering whiskers onto sugared mice with Margery.

-Tricky.

-He's working at Burrs, Max.

He's working at Maxxx's, Jase.

-Do I get a say?

-Sure you do. But I reckon you'll do the right thing,

by you, by your mum, by this town.

And stay away from Emily.

SIRENS WAIL

Sorry, sorry.

It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.

Now just relax.

Right, my motto, if you can walk, you can dance, OK?

By the left,

and left

right together.

Left...

Oooh, I think I'm getting it.

No, it's just where I've started leading whilst I still had some toes.

Anyone who can walk, right?

You'll get there.

Yeah, you will. It's not your two left feet she's marrying.

-Max can dance.

-Yeah, you'd kick his backside in a rugby scrum.

Reckon it's good, though, what you're doing with the school. Cheers everybody up a bit.

-Thank you.

-Thank you. Keep practising.

Round two.

Taaaa!

And keep going over it in your heads and we'll pick it up tomorrow.

Good job, team!

And, Ron,

way to bust a move!

Giving it large!

I could never trust a red shoe.

How many times, Anne? It was a film.

Have you finished the seating plan yet?

And have you hand delivered all the invitations?

Oh, and I need you to find our first night hotel.

I am exhausted!

But I'm a hotel.

My signature prawns.

And a pasta bake main. Anne was meant to be on afters, but Emily's running her ragged.

You won't want to get into food preparation with Carmen being currently in abstentia.

You're doing really well here, Sam.

We've seen Jason.

-Murder on the dance floor!

-Thank you.

Oh, Travis, you know Carmen was right.

You are good and you should be doing something with it.

Actually, Travis is trialling at the rock factory tomorrow for his long-term career option.

SIRENS WAIL

MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus" by Richard Wagner

Emily Pankhurst Germaine Greer Valerie Singleton Shirley,

do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

-I do.

-And do you take Emily etc, etc, to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

I always did.

I always did.

Yeah, you keep on and that Easter egg's going to be ready just in time for Christmas.

Though if you could aim for Halloween...

I just don't know if this is me.

Look, mate, I know it's a junior role,

but I always reckon you need to understand the business bottom up.

-You could start tomorrow?

-Stag!

-It's OK, Ron has it in hand. He was insistent.

-I was insistent.

Jason said you were insistent.

Raise the roof, please.

But it's a big responsibility, the binge drinking and what have you.

I like a Bacardi Breezer as much as the next red-blooded male.

Besides, I've been Googling all morning and I think I've concocted

the perfect way to observe Jason's manhood. Twirl.

You don't think the hoops are too much?

Well, to be honest, yes, I do, but you met me halfway on my Bedouin robes, so I'll not pass comment.

Your mother would have been so proud to see you in that dress.

She wore it at all of her weddings.

Snaps for Anne!

How do I look? Do I look ridiculous?

Will I look ridiculous? Will Michael think I look ridiculous?

You look like a fairy tale.

-I shall go to the ball!

-Yes!

So, did you talk to the balloon shop about seconds? And did you research the serviette folding?

-I've got my heart set on swans.

-No, but...

Anne! I'd have thought, as my supposed best friend, you'd step up

when I'm trying to have a low key wedding with minimum fuss, I need everybody signed up and pitching in.

What on Earth could have been more important than sorting out DIY napkin origami?

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

-What am I meant to be looking at?

-The room. I worked on it all night.

I'm exhausted slash urgh.

It's your first night honeymoon suite.

I've folded the toilet tissue in the triangle.

And a shoe buffer for your convenience.

And, I'm quite proud of this, feel under the pillow.

SEAGULLS CRY

Chocolates!

Wrapped chocolates, Anne.

They're meant to be wrapped!

Ugh!

-I thought you'd like it.

-I'm not spending my first night as a Mr and Mrs in a B&B.

I can't do this right now.

-I've got to approve Jason's wedding vows, the best man's outfit...

-Sorry.

No, I'M sorry.

It's just organising the happiest day of your life can be really stressful.

Who are you going to have as best man?

Travis, now that he's Jason's proper brother?

God, no. They don't do morning suits with hoods.

-What do you mean, "proper" brother?

-Well, now that Max isn't...

SHE GASPS

Making a packed lunch for your journey?

I'm not meant to talk to you, as decreed by his royal highness, the King Of Rock.

You can't be staying, not now without the factory?

No, don't have my Emily to English dictionary on me, so...

-You can't keep it now.

-Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting it as a wedding present?

It's not yours to keep, Max!

I'm not giving up the factory, Em.

Jase knows this, the Good Hotel guide will soon know this.

I suggest that you subscribe to my Tweets, so that you too, will also know this.

You can't just ignore it Max.

Max! Max!

All right, want to put me out of my mild curiosity?

That you're not Burt's son.

You knew that. The lab tests proved you're not Travis' brother.

You have no claim on the factory.

-You're lying.

-No-one knows who your father is. If you even had one.

SHOP BELL RINGS

-I think I've done a bad thing, Dad.

-When you say "bad", princess,

do you mean perm gone wrong bad or should I call a lawyer, bad?

Morals and ethics bad.

Shall I get my Germaine Greers down to consult?

No, Dad.

Tell me about Max...

Jason's mum.

-I don't remember her.

-Well, you wouldn't, she left town when the boys were still young.

-Ran off with some clown.

-Who was he?

Like I said, he was a clown.

The circus had just been in town. By all accounts, he swept her off her feet and right up onto the high wire.

And she just abandoned her kids?

Burt was a hard man to live with, a bully.

I remember this time when Max won this school prize for a poem he'd written about the bluff.

Had to read it out to the recital.

He was going great guns when he looked up and saw his dad in the audience laughing at him.

It wasn't meant to be a funny poem, mind.

Ran off the stage in tears.

I don't think he ever had a kind word from his dad.

I used to see him sitting up there on that bluff all on his own.

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

WAVES CRASH

SEAGULLS CRY

-If I hurt you...

-Job well done.

-I thought Jason had told you.

-Less well done.

Do you know what hurt most, Em?

More than the Dad, no Dad bombshell?

You enjoyed hurting me, didn't you?

Sticking the knife in. Giving it a good old twist.

You broke my heart when you left.

We were 16, Em.

And now?

-Now, you're marrying my brother.

-If you liked it you should have put a ring on it!

We were 16, Em.

And you just left without a word, nothing.

Just walked out of this town and out of my life.

You broke my heart.

Yeah.

Well, now we're even.

-But Burt...

-It's not about my dad! Go and marry Captain Sensible.

Go and be sensible, yeah?

Go and have sensible children and drive a sensible car and have a sensible dog.

At least I take what I want.

Oooh, it's like an insight into the life of the Royals, isn't it?

Do you know, I might have to tag along on the honeymoon to recover from this wedding.

With this and my intensive choreography, I can't deny,

I'm leaning heavily on my foot spa at the moment.

Well, I just hope we've done the right thing going off her old scrapbook.

I wanted to be a Thundercat when I was eight.

Will Em seriously still want all this stuff?

Michael, I doubt if Emily's taste in bonbonnieres has radically changed since this.

-She's a nice girl, but she was a princess then and she's a princess now.

-It has been nice, though.

All this, getting ready for a wedding. Celebrating a happy event.

Makes you all warm and fuzzy.

I know I couldn't feel fuzzier.

And the upshot has been another win for community spirit.

I've enjoyed spending quality face time with you all.

-Max may be rich in his coffers, but he's a poor man in his quality face time.

-It's so sad though.

I mean, he must be very lonely and suffering from an aching depression in his soul and he hasn't

-got the chance to be our friend and blow up balloons and bake cupcakes and knit tablecloths.

Lucky sod.

What do you want?

It's my stag do tonight.

I feel strange you not being there.

Why?

Forgot to tell me something, didn't you...Bro?

If you're still calling yourself that.

-Max, they shouldn't have told you.

-The question is why you didn't?

-Isn't it obvious?

-What, you're waiting to get us on Jeremy Kyle?

I know he wasn't much of a dad to you.

He was no kind of dad to me, as it turns out.

That's me disinherited, isn't it? You get the factory back.

That's a three-ace hand you're holding there, Jase.

-Why?

-Because it changes nothing.

I know what he was like with you.

Jesus, Max, we grew up together.

Yeah, I might not like who you've become, but you're my brother today

the same as you were my brother every other day before.

-What, you saying you don't want the factory back now?

-Yeah, I want it back.

I want it back and I want you to stop punishing this whole town for what Dad was. But not like this.

Not by telling you that you're not my brother, you're not his son, because you are and somehow

you're going to have to find a way to square yourself with that.

-Shove over.

-You've got the hen do.

Well, Anne's organising it, so feel free to keep me as long as you like.

Travis, you can't do this.

I know I'm not that quick yet, but I'm trying.

No, I mean you shouldn't do this.

All those years, wherever you were, all I wanted was for you to be happy

and it would be a poor lookout if I went back on that now.

Thanks.

And I am thinking of our loyal Chocotoff customers when I say

I think we'll leave this for another day and more practised hands.

SIRENS WAIL

AMUSEMENT ARCADE BEEPING INTENSIFIES

CAR HORN BLARE INTENSIFIES

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

CAR HORNS BLARE

Oi, what are you doing?

Get off my car!

Get off it!

CAR HORNS BLARE

CAR HORNS BLARE

SIRENS WAIL

MELLOW EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS

Tonight, gentlemen, we're sharing Jason's manhood.

So, I plucked a low-hanging fruit and baked a clever-idea pie

to come up with something I think you'll agree is pretty special.

Even I'm not gay enough for this.

-There will be booze, right?

-Yes!

-Thank you.

I picked up a lovely little sherry.

Great as an aperitif, but you can also match it with a light dessert.

So, Michael, how come we never see you down the rugby club?

Umm...

No! Let it breathe for a minute.

Let's savour this special moment together.

Men being men together.

Down! Down! Down! Down!

SHE BLOWS KAZOO

# He said he didn't even... #

-Shall I get out my Yahtzee?

-He's just gorgeous, isn't he?

You know, he's just...

-Gorgeous?

-Exactly!

And I know he's got a rep, but he's just troubled.

And he's got beautiful ears.

And he's just the best kisser ever.

-Who? Jason?

-Who?

Yes, Jason!

The one with...ears.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point...

Where's my stripper, Anne?

I tried, but apparently there aren't any in Sugartown.

You should have asked me. I have numbers.

Sorry, the door was open.

You DID get me a stripper!

Hello, Officer.

I will come quietly.

-I'm looking for a Samantha Moore?

-It's Carmen, isn't it? Is she hurt?

Is she in jail? Oh, God, she's in jail.

Our colleagues in Leeds have her down the station.

Public disorder. They just want someone to collect her.

I'll go!

With respect, Ma'am, I think you've had a few.

Anyone else who can go?

SHE BLOWS KAZOO

Hey, hey, no! Now, hey, no.

This is a man pad tonight.

-No chicks allowed!

-Back off, Ron, and take that pipe out of my face.

-Where's Emily? Is she all right?

-Oh, yeah, she's just having a little nap.

-We've found Carmen.

She's in Leeds, in the slammer.

Go on, take my car. Sam will fill you in.

Thanks, Margery.

Twister?

# Don't believe it, oh no

# If you've seen it, oh, oh-oh

# Oh, mayhem

# Do, do-do

# Oh, mayhem, do-do, do... #

I drive all the way here and then you slam the door in my face?

If you'd just get your foot out the way, yes.

Do you have any idea how worried we've all been? Me, your mum?

Oh, and here I was living like a queen having been run out of town.

Yeah, we tried to stop you. But, no, you had to make the grand gesture.

Oh, it was you who told me to go!

-Yeah, I was angry.

-Not as much as I've bloody been.

Look at this place! I've only got one kettle.

-I had nine at home.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I said.

I didn't really want you to go.

-No?

-Well, not without me, anyway.

Oooh, sorry. Oh.

THEY HUM A TUNE

You all right? Time for your bed, Ron, I reckon.

I think you might be right.

-Where's Michael?

-Er, he must have left already.

-Michael?

-Anne!

Sorry, mate, I need to get that. Anne!

Wait!

Is he your boyfriend?

-Not exactly.

-Is he your boyfriend like I'm your girlfriend?

-No. No-one's like you.

-I thought we had something special.

We do. We're really, really good friends.

Not good friends like you and him, though.

Well, who am I with right now?

If we left now, we'd be back before breakfast.

-I'm not going back now.

-OK, by tea time, then.

Banging! Fish supper? Your shout.

Carmen, I don't want to go back at all.

Well, where are you going, then?

London.

I thought we could try the whole dance school thing. Your mum could join us.

I don't want to go to London. We're not friends any more.

I need to be in a proper town with people and noises and things.

I hate noise.

And things.

As long as we're together, we'll be all right.

I'll take care of you.

Just, you know... Just in London.

Well, what are we waiting for, then?

I think it's lovely!

Shoe buff,

industrial size.

Handy. And the lights, and the petals and the bear.

Oh, it's lovely, Anne. You really are a good friend.

Thanks.

Have you ever, you know, with a girl?

No, not the Full Monty.

How do you know, then?

I just do. I always did.

So, it's not just where I'm ugly?

You're not ugly!

-Why do you think that?

-Oh, it's just something my mother said.

-What?

Anne, you're ugly. And Emily. And all the kids at school.

And every man I've ever met, ever.

I don't want your pity.

-It's not pity.

-It's not love!

A funny kind of one.

# Beautiful girls

# All over the world

# I could be chasing but my time would be wasted

# They've got nothing on you, baby

# Nothing on you, baby

# They might say high

# And I might say hey

# But you shouldn't worry

# About what they say

# Cos they've got nothing on you... #

I always did.

MACHINE TOOL WHIRS

Phil! PHIL!

# Beautiful girls, all over the world

# I could be chasing

# But my time would be wasted

# They got nothing on you

# Nothing on you, babe

# Nothing on you

# Nothing on you, baby

# Nothing on you

# They might say high... #

-Look!

-At what?!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We're back in Sugartown and nothing will ever happen again.

OK, OK. Don't make me change my mind.

We're home. You're amazing.

-Can I have an ice cream?

-It's seven in the morning!

I'm so not going to let you get bored here, and I'm not even joking.

You know, I think I might be getting bored already.

-Now?

-A little better.

-Now?

-Better.

-Morning, my little princess bride!

-Yeah, where's Anne?

Do you mind not shouting? That bloody sherry's a kitten with sharp claws.

Do you realise what this means, if Anne's not here?

Oh, no. No.

No way. NO!

Wow!

You look extraordinary.

Snaps for Margery!

PHONE RINGS

Let me just sort our your cherry.

-Ah, Jason. My son-in-law to be.

-Do I have to wear that?

Yeah, of course you have to wear it, and smile as well.

That was Jason, my son-in-law to be.

It appears Michael has disappeared, as well.

So, we're left with only one option from which to conclude.

That's it.

Anne's done it. She's finally gone and kidnapped Michael,

and on my wedding day of all days.

Michael, mate, if you get this call me back. We're all worried.

And I'm going to have to take desperate measures for my best man.

-All right?

And like a bad penny...

I've missed you.

We've had no disasters for a week.

It's been rubbish.

What?

That's it? No, "you've been irresponsible again"?

No, "I can't believe you got arrested again"?

Least you're back. Again.

THEY LAUGH

-What were you looking at, anyway?

-The sea.

And?

This ridiculous, bonkers, incredibly annoying town.

OMG!

You've totally fallen in love with it, haven't you?

Just good friends. Come on, it's Sugartown's wedding of the year.

And you're just in time to step in with Travis, thank God.

Save my knees from the jump up, wrap round and into the back bend!

-Going somewhere nice?

-If you mean out of Sugartown, then, yeah, somewhere nice.

Max, you're my brother.

-You should be at my wedding.

-Sorry, Jase.

I've got to hit the road. A bit of luck's come my way, chance of a new flagship casino. Sheffield.

Right.

Well, congratulations.

You were never one for gambling, were you, Jase?

Never reckoned I was lucky enough.

No?

What about

high card wins the factory?

When you said you wouldn't take it from me,

so this is your chance to get it without breaking your moral backbone.

For keeps, no arguments, done deal.

If I win, it's legit, you know?

No more mention of who my Dad was or wasn't. It'd be mine

-by rights.

-I don't gamble, Max.

-Eh?

It's your wedding day to the lovely Emily.

There's never going to be a luckier day than this blessed one, eh?

Like I say,

it's your lucky day.

-Well, I've got to get going, so...

-Don't be a stranger, eh?

See you...

Bro.

Where's Anne, Dad?

I want Anne.

I don't know, Princess. But if she were here, I think she'd say you look very beautiful.

And she'd wish you all the happiness in the world.

But as it's just me, I'd say that Jason would be the luckiest man on Earth if it weren't for me,

because I got to spend all those years watching you grow

into the fabulous woman standing before me now.

My mascara's running now!

Listen, we'd better get a wriggle on.

The only thing keeping Margery in that outfit is gaffer tape and emotional blackmail.

-Oh, did Jason find Michael?

-No. Travis has stepped up.

Jason asked Max but he was leaving town.

# There's a fire starting in my heart

# Reaching a fever pitch

# It's bringin' me out the dark

# Finally I can see you crystal clear

# Go ahead and sell me out

# And I'll lay your ship bare

# See how I'll leave

# With every piece of you... #

Er.. we'll meet you there.

You want me to walk through town like this? You're having a laugh!

Ron!

Ron!

# The scars of your love

# Remind me of us

# They keep me thinking

# That we almost had it all

# The scars of your love... #

-Wedding!

-How long?

-Ten minutes!

# I can't help feeling

# We could have had it all... #

Kill me. Kill me now. Kill Anne.

# You had my heart inside of your hand... #

-Pull over.

-What?

-Pull over, Dad.

I won't be long.

# Baby, I have no story to be told

# But I've heard one on you... #

Shouldn't you be somewhere else right now?

If I marry Jason today we'll have a happy, blissful life together.

I love him more than anyone on earth.

Apart from you.

The bit where you say it back.

I don't.

We've got jelly at the reception.

We followed your scrapbook to the letter. Jason's idea.

CHURCH BELLS RING

The wedding, has it happened yet? Jason and Emily?

-We're on our way there, now.

-Oh, give us a lift!

Anne!

Sorry. Sorry.

-Anne?! Where the bloody hell have you been?

-Max drove.

-Got stitch.

-Max?!

MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus" by Richard Wagner

Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

-I do.

-And do you take Emily etc, etc, to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

You may now kiss the bride.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I have the bride and groom for a photograph?

Sorry, do you mind, it's just... Anne?

It's only right you should be next to me,

despite you having let me down as no bridesmaid in history

has ever done before, you are my best friend.

Thanks!

And smile!

Sorry. New habits die hard.

You know, when I when I said I was happy about you going away somewhere dancing?

I lied.

Thanks, Mum.

I'm going to throw the bouquet!

Agh!

Oh, well, technically, it's meant to be a two-handed catch

or a one-handed catch if moving through the air thusly.

Oh. Right.

I don't know anywhere it says that in the rule book so..

Not right away, mind.

-Didn't you want a shot?

-Oh, Michael, it happened. Move on.

It was all right, but I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Oh.

Good.

HE WHISTLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# You know you can't deny

# When love takes over, yeah

# Cos something's here tonight

# Give me a reason

# I gotta know

# Do you feel it too? #

Ladies and gentlemen, will you all give it up for the bride and groom.

Dad..

APPLAUSE

# Out of the tree of life

# I just picked me a plum

# You came along

# And everything started to hum

# Still it's a real good bet

# The best is yet to come... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If I'd known you could do that I wouldn't have done this.

# And the world

# It's turning inside out, yeah

# I'm floating around in ecstasy

# So don't stop me now

# Don't stop me

# Cos I'm havin' a good time

# Havin' a good time

# I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies

# Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity

# I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva

# I'm gonna go, go, go

# There's no stoppin' me

# I'm burnin' through the sky, yeah

# 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit

# I'm travelling at the speed of light

# I want to make a supersonic man out of you... #

# Cry me out

# You'll have to cry me out

# The tears that will fall

# Mean nothing at all

# It's time to get over yourself

# Baby, you ain't all that

# Baby, there's no way back

# You can keep talkin'

# But, baby, I'm walking

# Away... #

# In olden days a glimpse of stocking

# Was looked on as something shocking

# Now, heaven knows

# Anything goes

# Good authors too

# Who once knew better words

# Now only use four-letter words

# Writing prose

# Anything goes... #

# You're unbelievable... #

Come on!

Yeah. Yeah.

# We bring the stars out

# We bring the women and cars and the cards out

# Let's have a toast to celebration

# Get a glass out

# And we can do this until we pass out

# Let it rain

# Let it pour away... #

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la

# I just can't get you out of my head

# Boy, you're loving is all I think about

# I just can't get you out of my head

# Boy, it's more than I dare to think about... #

# Don't stop me, don't stop me don't stop me

# Don't stop me, don't stop me Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Have a good time, good time

# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Burnin' through the sky, yeah

# 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit

# I'm travelling at the speed of light

# I want to make a supersonic man out of you

# Don't stop me now I'm having a good time

# Don't stop me now I'm having a good time

# I don't want to stop at all... #

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# If I had a million dollars or ten

# I'd give it to your world and then

# You'd go away and let me spend

# My life in shoo-shoo-shoo

# Shoo-shoo-shoo

# Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo

# Sugartown

# Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo

# Sugartown. #