D Is for Declarations Sunny D

Sunny D is filmed before a live studio audience...

No, it's not.

Welcome to my home. Well, not MY home.

The home I share with an older couple - Mum and Dad.

It's my dad's birthday - a milestone for him,

a reminder I haven't reached any of mine.

What are you doing?

-What the hell!

-You want to know hell?

Keep laying in that bed, Dane.

-Have you seen the time?

-Have you seen your face?

Have you seen yours? That tash is getting out of hand, Kadean.

-A five o'clock shadow this early in the morning?

-Enough!

I am not having you two ruin today for your father.

He's been looking forward to this for weeks.

I thought it was a surprise party.

It is, but he's still been looking forward to it,

so none of your attitude.

And get up out of that bed so I can change it.

Auntie Barbara and Uncle Sammy are in there tonight,

and I don't want them sleeping in your filth.

So where am I supposed to sleep, then?

You can sleep on the street, tramp.

Tramp? Have you seen your weave, Bride of Crack-enstein?

Dad! Dane's undermining my creativity!

Dane...!

This is your problem. How are you going to make a relationship work

when you keep fighting against your own sister?

One of the greatest atrocities of the 21st century

has been the Mackenzie Civil War.

They say keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

My enemy was in the womb.

It was a tough pregnancy - for me, that is,

and I won't stop fighting until she realises SHE is the doo doo head.

Why can't you get along with your own sister?

-Ow!

-Where should I put my meat to marinate, Gloria?

It's been marinating for 36 hours, so it isn't all about your rice.

-And Dane, be a love and show me the plug for t'slow cooker.

-PHONE RINGS

Yes, boss. Morning. Namaste.

-Oh! Hi, Stefan.

-Hiya, Stefan.

Ladies, looking radiant as ever.

-Thanks, Stef.

-Oh, he's a good boy, aren't you, Stefan?

Are you coming to Lawrence's birthday party tonight, love?

Mum, Stefan is MY best friend. If something needs asking, I'll do it.

So, yeah, you coming or what, fam?

Of course, boss. I'll be over in a bit, ladies, so get that groove on!

# Let this groove get into you All right!

# All right! All right! #

THEY CONTINUE SINGING AND SCATTING

Yes, OK. Bye, Stefan.

Right - up, help.

Yeah, Dane, help!

Oh, I'll help. I'll do cake security.

There are thieves and terrorists lurking around.

This means you, Al-Kadean.

You just keep your alcoholic arse away from the rum.

You drink like a 14-year-old girl.

Didn't you eat a 14-year-old girl in secondary school?

Enough! You, up.

Kadean, come with me.

THEY ROAR AT EACH OTHER

I grew up in the '90s.

When I was younger, I thought that if I worked hard,

played by the rules and was nice to my mother,

at this age I'd be living like...

MUSIC: Mo Money Mo Problems by Notorious BIG

# Now, who's hot who not

# Tell me who rock who sell out in the stores

# You tell me who flopped who copped the blue drop

# Who jewels got robbed who's mostly Goldie down

# To the tube sock, the same ol' pimp

# Mase, you know ain't nothing change but my limp

# Can't stop till I see my name on a blimp

# Guarantee a million sales pulling all the love... #

Well, that didn't happen, did it?

Instead I'm stuck here,

and doing a job that's killing me till I can afford to move out.

And even with my recent promotion...

# Working nine to five... #

I still can't afford to go to the cinema any other day but Wednesday.

Everything was just better in the '90s!

Taping songs off the radio, getting the right haircut,

safe sex campaigns - and I was having the safest.

Seeing as I wasn't having any...

Were you East or West Coast?

Sega or Nintendo?

Mario or Sonic?

And what the hell was Dawson's problem this week?

MUSIC: Dawson's Creek Theme

Everything was just better in the '90s.

I don't have anything to complain about - not according to the older generation.

My dad came here in the 1960s.

He overcame adversity, made a home, raised a family.

That's all well and good, but everyone knows the '60s was one big party.

I've had to spend half that time giving half of what I have

to a devil twin. It's like I went through a divorce in the womb.

Mum, I live here.

Dad knows that, so why am I hiding?

I'll give you a good hiding, if you don't keep quiet!

-Hello, there.

-Hello.

Don't say I never take you anywhere romantic.

My hero.

I'd love to be Nicola's hero.

She's my heroine for sure.

She's the Alesha to my Harvey.

Wait, that's a bad example. I love my girlfriend very much.

-Budge up.

-Hi, Kadean. >

Oh, God - not you again.

Hello, people!

Hey, thanks for coming, bro.

Oh, of course, homeboy. It's for the big man in the fam.

'I wish Stefan and certain members of my family would respect other people's personal space.'

Can you move your fat arse, please?

-Excuse me.

-Not you - I meant her.

You know better than to make derogatory comments about women's bodies, Dane.

She's not a woman!

Grow up, Dane.

Not your bum, baby. Your bum is fine.

In some African cultures, a full bottom is a sign of fertility and health.

Having a little chirps, are we?

That's really interesting, Stefan, because I was thinking...

Eugh, who'd want to fertilise you?

Your breath smells like fertiliser.

Oh!

Nice, Kadean.

She got you there, brother.

Linda, what are you doing?

I'm telling you, Gloria, I've watched Bake Off since the very

first episode, and this is how you're supposed to do it.

What are you talking about?

I've watched Delia for years,

and you have to wait for it to cool down.

We're making a cake, not running a bath.

Step aside.

Look, you are both undermining my judgment.

This is like Conroy all over again.

My poor sweet Conroy!

Why are you even talking about that man?

He got deported years ago.

And we warned you, woman.

Conroy loved my cakes.

If by "cake" you mean "bank account", then, yes, he loved it.

You are both just so jealous of young love.

Mum, come on! It's cramped! Do we need to be here?

Just hush. We want this done in time for your dad's surprise.

What's going on here?

-Get out!

-Excuse me?

Wait out there until we're ready for you to have your surprise.

OK.

Get back under.

What do I do now?

Wait one minute and then come back in.

OK.

ALL: Surprise!

Happy birthday...

Thank you.

Thank you.

For everyone else, family gatherings are just bunting, rice and peas.

For me, I'm always the one trapped in the corner being interrogated by

my aunties, asking if I've met their imaginary deadlines.

Marriage, kids, a job they can brag to their friends about.

You'd think having three mothers would be great,

but they team up like riot police.

Dane, we were watching that!

No discipline. Why don't the children have manners these days?

Try to learn something.

Stop your whimpering. Use this book as a tissue.

So, have you seen Christian's place?

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, it's stunning.

So, Dane, where are you living now?

Oh, well, you know, it's complicated, you know, with the house prices...

He lives here. Not quite the Nubian king he was raised to be.

-Shame.

-Shame. Shame every time you pass a mirror,

you fugitive from the fashion police.

Ooh, burn(!)

Yes, burn everything that you own, yes.

Aaargh!

Dane will be moving out soon, though.

He's been made senior account manager.

ALL: Oh!

That's right! Getting paper!

Mo'money, no problems!

Oh, Dane, that's so interesting.

Oh, it is...

So what about your love life?

SHE RETCHES

So, when are you going to marry this fine girl?

Yeah, Dane.

Nicola is studying to become a doctor.

Samuel, come and show Nicola your foot!

Dane? Dane?

'I'm leaving Nicola right there.

'She's a doctor. She's used to seeing messed up shit.

'I'm going to join my dad in the vibe emporium.

'Um, conservatory.

'I learned how to handle my drink from these guys.

'These are the go-to guys for rum.

'Samuel, Barbara's Trini husband.

'I'm starting to think that hat is sewn onto his head.

'Radcliffe, three-time Caribbean dominoes champion - he says.

'Don't try googling that shit, though - just comes up with pizzas.

'Cedric - I learned nothing from this guy!

'He can't take his drink.

'Unlike me. When I've had a drink, I'm at one with the universe.

'I'm my true self - laid-back, chilled out, calm.'

Son, do you want a sip?

We were waiting for you, Dane.

You've finished making cakes?

Now, now, nowadays you have to have skills in both the kitchen

AND the boardroom.

The only skills a man needs is to know when to drink

and when not to drink.

Are you a man, Dane?

Yeah.

Well, drink up, boy.

'It's easy to forget why Dad's birthday rum only comes off the shelf once a year.'

Dane, I seen your cousin Christian is soon coming.

He's not a big drinker, though.

Cos him have to stay focused!

Some big tings at the moment, you know?

Great(!)

'I'm constantly being forced to compete

'with my pain in the arse cousin, Christian.

'To the untrained eye, he's perfect.

'To me, he just looks like a sleazy car salesman with a 2004 BMW

'and two different cocktail-making kits.

'To himself, he is...'

Perfection.

'I have big tings in the pipeline too.

'I just don't need my dad to humblebrag about them.

'Luckily, my dad isn't the sort of guy who does that anyway.'

The key to knowledge is knowing when you've had enough.

-You've had enough.

-Nonsense, boy.

Never get in the way of a man and his drink.

Yes, but Dane's not great with spirits, are you?

'Yes, I am!

'I drink spirits and then I lift spirits.'

'Ah, shit.'

The So Solid incident was a long time ago.

If by long time, you mean last New Year's, then, yes, so long!

Shut up, Stefan.

Christian's here!

Hey, son!

BOTH: Hey(!)

What's up, Christian?

Kind of late, aren't you?

Meridian Dane, mea culpa, mea culpa.

I've been uber-busy this morning

trying to secure a conference room for the young entrepreneurs workshop

I'm setting up.

And then I thought, hey, now, hey, now!

It's Uncle Lawrence's birthday.

Ah! Discarded with the traditional dress phase, I see, Stefan?

Christian, namaste.

Prodigious.

Oh, looks like it's rum o'clock!

Fix me up, gentlemen.

I can see you started a little early there, Dane.

Is everything OK?

Sure - I'm just celebrating, cuz.

Well, as long as you're not celebrating alone, cuz.

At the end of the day, spirits are fine...

..but the most celebrated spirit

must be the holy one.

I love you, JC.

-'JC?'

-Love you.

'Jackie Chan?'

Now, where's that famous rice of yours, Aunt Gloria?

Knife and fork? Me, I go fight for THOSE dumplings.

Yahtzee.

Oh, you!

So the next time it flares up you should really go along to the GP.

Well, that's what I tell him.

He has to leave it or it'll start weeping.

My Conroy used to get a rash when he...

ALL: We know!

What's up, Christian?

Too much of rum?

Negatory. I have a liver as iron as my resolve.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you trying to drown your sorrows?

You can't pickle your problems, fam.

A birthday shouldn't be the only thing to look forward to each year.

Shouldn't every day feel like a birthday?

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear...

ALL SING DIFFERENT WORDS

# Happy birthday to you... #

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I've spent many years trying to build a legacy,

and that doesn't stop because I'm reaching the autumn of my life.

Since retiring last year...

Hey!

My Conroy used to pinch my bum like that.

ALL: Shh!

So, as of Monday, I start the next chapter,

as the new engineering teacher at the City College.

APPLAUSE

Uncle Lawrence, give it up.

Uncle Lawrence, a great man.

You know, being head of a marketing department is a great job.

A great job.

But, you know, it goes without saying

that being a marketing manager, philanthropist...

It goes without saying, Christian,

that you stole my facial hair style.

Whereas I rock it to look cool,

you just look like the pound shop Carlton Banks.

The last time I saw someone dressed that lame with that much confidence,

it was Bill Cosby.

And what happened to him?

Yeah. His last DVD didn't sell as strongly as he hoped.

Which is why I'm strongly considering

becoming a local council representative.

-What are you doing?

-Actually, I've got a few words.

No, no, he doesn't, he doesn't.

-I have words!

-Slurred words.

-Shut up, Kadean.

-Dane, maybe you should just...

Baby, no, it's OK.

Eskimo kisses. Mmm...

Dad, I just want to tell you how proud I am to be your son.

I've always tried to emulise...

Emulise?

Emulate!

..your success.

-Look, Dane, maybe you should...

-Shut up, Christian!

You don't even live here.

Especially in how hard you've worked to be a pro...

ovider!

I love syllables, man.

Radcliffe! This rum is arazin, man.

It's amazing!

'Where was I?'

And that's the thing with politics.

'It's poli-tricks.'

Tony Blair has a Viacom passport. That shit is on YouTube!

'Now to bring this home...'

# The road is long... #

'Yeah.'

# With many a winding turn

# That leads us shim-shay...

# Hmm yeah

# Hmm yeah

# He ain't heavy

# He's my bro... Father

# Yeah yeah yeah. #

Nicky!

It's always been you, baby.

I want to be able to drink rum with you forever, baby.

Spiced rum,

rum cream, rum punch...

Pa-pow, pa-pow!

I'm going to spend my whole life with you forever, baby.

'Smooth, yeah.'

Oh, Dane!

Dane is just out of control at Dad's birthday.

I don't know why he always has to ruin everything.

That is far too much alcohol for that teeny tiny body.

Who knows how he's going to end up?

Damaging my reputation...

INCOHERENT BABBLING

Kanye...

-Dane!

-Hang on, hold the press!

Is that what this speech was all about?

Are you asking Nicola to marry you?

Oh, my goodness, Dane. Are you really?

'Am I really going to sign away my future

'cos everyone's looking at me?'

Dane?

'Am I really?'

Sure, why not.

Let's do it!

MUSIC: Let's Groove by Earth, Wind & Fire

# We're gonna groove tonight

# Let this groove get you to move

# It's all right, all right

# All right

# Let this groove set in your shoes

# So stand up, all right

# All right

# Gonna tell what you can do with my love

# All right... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Ah, shit.

Ow!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #