D Is for Desire Sunny D

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Morning, sweetness. D'you get enough beauty sleep?

Who the hell are you?

You're in a bit of a pickle, sunshine.

We had a tip-off from a K McKenzie.

Grr! Kadean!

-KADEAN:

-'It's YOUR nightmare, fool!'

You owe, son. You've been racking up the debts.

Owe what? Owe who?

Right, let's see.

Mental anguish suffered to your mum for 15 hours of labour.

CHA-CHING!

The psychological toll your life has taken on the family.

CHA-CHING!

-Food and board. Upkeep.

-CHA-CHING!

-Maintenance.

-CHA-CHING!

-Birthdays and Christmases.

-CHA-CHING!

-A mother's love.

-CHA-CHING!

-This is bullshit.

-Swearing.

-That's going on the list as well.

-CHA-CHING!

No, wait. This is not fair.

-Like, how...?

-Oh, "Not fair"? Right.

-CHA-CHING!

-Fuck. Kadean!

-Yeah, more swearing.

-Her birthday's the same as mine.

-Blaming others?

ALARM BUZZES

'Every morning, I used to wake up and thank the universe

'I survived to see another day on this beautiful planet.'

And now I'm reminded each morning that I still live with my parents.

Oh...

and I think I might have accidentally got engaged.

-THEY TALK IN SLOW MOTION

-Dane?

Let's do it.

GASPS OF JOY AND APPLAUSE

# Mm-hm! #

There he is!

Oh, God, I beg of thee!

SMACK! Argh!

No blasphemy, Dane.

You're going to be getting married in a church,

so don't bother taking the Lord's name in vain.

Now move it.

And give your Auntie Barbara and Uncle Samuel a call.

-Let them know about dates.

-Dates?

The wedding!

Does this mean you're finally moving out of the house?

I still live here.

And, just like you at an all-you-can-eat buffet,

I'm staying as long as it takes.

You'll be eating my buffet leftovers out of the bin when you're homeless.

I wouldn't worry about me being homeless.

I'd worry about you smelling homeless.

-HE SNIFFS

-Enough!

This is a joyous day.

Oh, and here's the final amount of bills you owe.

I take cash and BACS.

Don't make me chase you.

Mwah!

'Great. Those three little words...

' "Let's do it!"

'..have now become the most expensive words of my life.'

TILLS JANGLE AND MONEY CLINKS

Congratulations, Dean.

Oh, the engagement thing. Oh, you know, it's complicated.

We won't be doing anything just yet.

You are moving out of the house, though, yeah?

Do you think I still want to be here?

Do you have any idea how much a deposit is nowadays?

-I am trying, you know.

-Dean...

..trying means doing something with a view to fail.

Foundations need to be made.

Seeds need to be sown.

You need to start...

digging...

HE IMITATES A SHOVEL BREAKING GROUND

..son. Mm?

You need to start..."digging", son.

Oh, I'll start digging.

Digging your grave. Bitch.

-STREET FIGHTER ANNOUNCER:

-'Fight!'

Enough!

You almost killed me in Labour, and you're both at it again.

Kadean's right.

You need to make your own life with Nicola, Dane.

Because I can't support you and your sister for ever.

I plan on retiring at some point,

while I'm still able to see me grandchildren and bath myself.

Because you and Kadean won't do it, will you, Dane?

It's time to learn to look after yourself.

This engagement is a blessing for us all.

Amen.

You know what? Fine.

I'm moving out. Two weeks from today, I'm gone.

Engagement or not, I'm leaving.

Shit!

DOOR OPENS

Right after I get dressed.

MUTTERS: Put some clothes on and get out of this stupid house.

People picking on me.

This Monday's becoming the worst day ever.

Now I know why Bob Geldof hated them so much.

MUSIC: Doo-Wop (That Thing) by Lauryn Hill

How'd I let Kadean trick me into this?

She'll now be sharing the news of my grand departure with Nicky.

PHONE CHIMES

It's complicated when the woman you love

makes friends with every other member of your family.

LINE RINGS

Hello, fiance.

-Yeah, er, about that...

-'Don't panic.'

We can talk about that later.

So the other thing is...

I've kind of left home?

I know. I heard from Kadean.

Kadean!

'And, before you ask...'

-no, you can't move in with me.

-Why not?

'I've signed up for six months with Kitty and Emily at our place.'

But I'll help you look round at lunchtime.

That'll be exciting with your budget. Got to go.

She's right.

What the hell am I going to be able to afford on my own?

Am I right, guys?

Guys?

Here's what we call a character property

with classic British architecture.

That's right, have a look. Nice, isn't it?

Get a waft of that, mate, yeah. That's ammonia, that is.

Yeah, you love it, mate.

This one is up-and-coming, part of a thriving metropolitan community.

AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE AND SIRENS Gentrimication.

That's right. Go on, have a look around.

That's rustic, that is. EXPLOSION

This one is absolutely perfect for the single occupant.

BABY CRIES

Go on, open the window. How does that look, eh? Lovely.

European design, that is. Yeah.

Nice pastel colours there.

HE ROARS

Our generation used to think having a 9 to 5

would mean you could at least afford a home.

Lies!

I have to keep this mind-numbingly dull excuse of an existence up

so I can afford my own place.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.

Here I am, stuck in the middle.

Janet.

Three times winner/sole entrant to the office Bake Off competition.

Gary.

Here until his band takes off.

Destined to stay here until he's 55.

Jerome, a man who's 55 and lives alone.

Look at this muffin-muncher.

He loves it.

'The thought of being chained to this desk

'for the rest of my life kills me.'

And how did Kat Slater not know she had twins?

Shut up about that stupid show, Janet!

That's Kerry, my new boss.

Kerry's what you would call...

career driven. WHIP CRACKS

# She's a bitch

# When I do my thing... #

Correction!

I'm FEROCIOUSLY career driven!

I make men and women do what I want in the business world.

I'm the...

Alex Ferguson of office logistics.

Because if you screw around with me,

I will take off my shoe and I will throw it at your goddamn head!

Then I'll stick my hairdryer to your balls

until you're nothing but a pretty mute.

# She's a bitch

# Come on, say my name... #

Dane. My office.

I need to cross examine my senior account manager.

WHIP CRACKS

'If I'm trying to get my own place,

'I need to state in Kerry's good books.'

Take a seat.

I'm fine.

Sit.

'That book is 50 Shades Of Grey.'

I hear you're on the move, Dane.

Getting your own pad.

A dirty little den of your own.

How do you know that?

I know everything.

Due to new European legislation on company e-mails.

Like I know you'll be needing a good reference.

'Shit.'

Er...

You seem like a smart...

toned...

young...

urban man.

HE MOUTHS

And I know that things haven't been easy for you here.

Maybe you don't feel appreciated.

Would you like to...

FEEL appreciated, Dane?

Kerry, I've told you, you can't speak to me like this.

It's just not appropriate.

Maybe I don't feel like

your current level of productivity is appropriate.

I want results.

I want your figures to stay high.

I want you to come up from behind

and hit all targets on a daily basis!

Cos if you fail, I fail.

And you are not going to FUCK ME right here in my office,

right over my own desk!

Unless I ask you to.

Remember that kid at school who was horrible to everyone,

pushed everyone around and called everyone names?

That kid was Kerry.

Kerry Fitzpatrick.

MUSIC: Material Girl by Madonna

-# Gay-y-y... #

-Shut up, Janet.

You realise this is totally unacceptable, right?

Dane, could you get that file for me, please?

'It's OK, just say calm. She can smell fear.

'Remember, any sudden movements might set her off.

'Shit!'

Kerry, this is ridiculous.

What are you going to do, Dane? Quit?

You need this job.

You're stuck with me.

I'm your Simon Cowell, and you are my Sinitta!

Oh, my, Dane! My goodness! Oh, my! I didn't expect...

Ah!

Nicola. Nicky, it's not what it looks like.

-It is.

-Oh...

-It is what it looks like, and more.

Nicky! Nicky!

We're here on the set of Goffice News,

where we have got an exclusive for you guys.

Love rat Dane has quite dramatically messed up a relationship yet again!

That's right, viewers! What the hell is wrong with this guy!

I'm going to go grab the senior account manager

and get a few exclusive words. Come on!

Hi.

Jiz Biscotti, Goffice News.

Dane, honey lamb, tell me how you feel about these accusations...

What? What is this?

Get that camera out my face, I've had enough of this shit.

I'm not a cheater, Jiz!

# Hello, darkness my old friend... #

I can't believe Nikki thinks I would cheat on her.

Aren't relationships meant to be about trust?

I trust she is not cheating on me...

Unless she is?

I'm doing everything in my power to show that I love her.

But she's not replying to my texts.

Maybe I should tweet her.

This is bullshit.

It's not like I've even done anything.

I feel like I'm being victimised

for the crimes of my fellow penis-owners.

No-one prepares you for this kind of thing when you are entering manhood.

Women, you just don't get it.

Having a penis is like trying to raise a spoiled child,

which I've always kept under control for the sake of my girlfriend

despite the despite the path of the righteous penis being beset either side by temptation.

Men, how many times have you been out in public with your penis

and on seeing a vagina it likes, it immediately starts misbehaving?

"Daddy, Daddy, I want that for myself!"

And you have to start giving it some dick discipline,

but with discretion.

I haven't got the money to afford that kind of vagina right now.

Wait till we get home, there's plenty of free vagina there.

There's no excuse for this behaviour.

My penis has been firmly linked to the same vagina for a long time.

For some reason, I just can't seem to win!

Only halfway through day one of the rest of my life.

Homeless and single!

I didn't think you could get any more pathetic.

Have you spoken to Nicola?

Oh, speaking to Nicola.

-Nikki?

-Nuh-uh. She won't speak to you, though.

Nikki!

Nikki! Nikki!

Nikki!

'Nikki!

'Nikki!'

Nikk..

Oh...

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yes.

Where did she go?

-What are you doing?

-Just planning my night out.

-It's going to be a big 'un!

-Kadean, what are you doing to me?

Are you going out with Nicola? Tell me!

That's for me to know and you...

never to find out.

No, never.

Dane!

Come in here, please.

-SHE SINGS:

-Ooh, you're in trouble!

# You're in trouble

# You're in trouble!

# You're in trouble,

# You're in trouble... #

My sister relishes so much in my woes

she's given them their own theme song.

You'll be in trouble when that silverback gorilla asks for its hair back!

Daddy! Dane is fashion-shaming again!

As if you're ashamed!

Now, please, Dane.

Maybe it's good news.

Maybe my Amazon package arrived.

What's this I'm hearing from your sister about you cheating on Nicola?

I didn't cheat! Why is...

THUNDER

Not Amazon, then.

Let me tell you a little something, Dane.

In my day, we realised that when it comes to love,

we didn't have a choice.

That's the problem with you kids.

You're spoilt for choice.

You have your Facebook statuses set on

"complicated."

But where's the complication, Dane?

Either you want somebody, or you don't.

When I met your mother, I made my intentions clear.

What was it like, Daddy?

Meeting mum?

REGGAE MUSIC

You'd see a woman that interested you,

and you would approach her like a man.

That's how I met your mother.

I didn't poke at her,

or swipe at her, Dane.

I would just ask for a dance.

We didn't ping, we just spoke.

We got to know each other.

And once I knew her, I made a decision.

A decision to be with just her.

That's what you are lacking, son.

Communication.

And you can't spell communication without U and I.

U and I.

Your generation wants everything but can't make an actual decision.

Like a fat child at a cake sale.

You want it all.

SHE MOUTHS

What the hell is wrong with you?

Aargh!

If you think a nice guy like that

is going to wait around for you to grow up...

It's nothing, Mother, I've got it under control.

You'd better not be messing around, my boy.

-Nothing happened!

-That's not what Kadean tells me.

My only son getting engaged.

It's meant to be the happiest day of my life.

Well, the real question is, why you are allowing this snitch to live in

your home and if she knows everything, why doesn't she know

that a meal suitable for two shouldn't be eaten alone?

Why don't you know how to make one girl happy?

And why don't you know that you should be eating out of a dog bowl?

-Why don't you know...

-Enough!

Dane, where are you learning all this behaviour from?

Did I raise an Ike Turner?

I'm not having you going out there sleeping around so the

photograph album of my grandchildren looks like the Baby Gap advert!

# People all around the world

# Join hands

# It's called a love train... #

-Who is Ike Turner?

-Chris Brown, 40 years ago.

Could you all just stay out of my business, please?

This is ridiculous.

I hate not being able to talk to Nicola.

I need to see Stefan.

I just wish I didn't have to meet him here.

I need to talk to you.

Go on, my son.

I'm not bowing and you and I'm not your son, Stefan.

-Now, listen...

-If you could all get into your positions, please?

Let us raise up and salute the sun.

So tired of this hype about partners and choosing and relationships.

-Shh!

-And now to downward dog.

When you say "people", you mean your mother?

Yes, of course.

I'm just tired of being forced to define myself by my relationship.

Just because I'm with somebody doesn't mean I can't have a life of my own, does it?

And now, to happy baby pose.

What I'm hearing is your ego.

Why are you so afraid to be vulnerable, fam?

Are you even listening?

I don't want to be with Nikki because I've run out of things to do in my own life.

I don't want to end up horny and angry like Kerry.

I don't want to be HORNGRY, Stefan.

The solution is simple.

Do you love her?

Of course I do! That's not the point.

And now to cobra pose.

Of course it's the point.

Love is the answer.

Let go of your inner caveman, connect with the soul, brother.

How much more soul-y do you want me to be? I'm here doing yoga!

Ryan Giggs did yoga! Can't get more boss than Giggsy.

Please take your conversation elsewhere.

Oh, for fuck... Take a look at yourselves.

You're all here unclogging your chakras before you check your yoga

apps, juice your dinner and talk some bollocks about kale.

It's always about fucking kale! How much kale have you had today?

And you?

Oh, I notice no Asians in this class.

They invented yoga, by the way.

OK, I'm going, I'm going.

I'm going to find her.

-Do you know where she is?

-I have no idea, Stefan.

You know I can see that guy's testicles through his Lycra?

-Ooh.

-Ugh.

TEXT ALERT

You are joking! Kadean!

It's already bad enough for our relationship

that Nikki doesn't trust me, and...

Do I know these guys?

The hell...

Is she...?

Would she?

Now, I'm well aware that a girl as beautiful and talented as

Nikki is going to be desired by many men.

I'm not saying I'm punching above my weight, but if we're using boxing analogies,

then Nikki is definitely a title shot

and I have to defend the belt from contenders on a regular basis.

And that's what love is - light sparring, next thing you know, you're hooked.

And sometimes, if you don't defend yourself, you get knocked the fuck out.

BELL

Now, I got to let Nikki know that she is my undisputed.

Shit. Some advice?

If you want a lady to be your sparring partner in life,

you're probably going to need a ring.

BELL

# One wish, one wish, one wish

# One wish, one wish, one wish... #

RINGS BELL

All right, scum?

Why are you even here?

Night end early when the bouncer smelled your breath?

Cleared all the men at the place?

You done?

Nicola!

Nicola!

Can you shut up, you going to wake the neighbours, for God's sake.

Nikki, er...

Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm not having an affair with my boss.

-Ow!

-I know that.

-Really?

-In a glass-fronted office at the exact time that you arranged to meet me?

Even you're not that stupid.

-Nick, I...

-No, Dane.

You need to step up and take control of your life.

Nick...

About her marriage proposal...

-CHUCKLES

-Forget about that.

I'm surprised you even remember.

I meant it.

This is me stepping up and making decisions.

I want to marry you.

I'll think about it.

OK. Because we could...

We'd have to save money.

You'd have to stay with your parents until we can afford to do this.

-Can't I move in here?

-No.

-No.

Fine. I'll have to speak to Mum and Dad, though.

Looks like I'm going back to the loving bosom of my family.

Why can't I get rid of you!

SHE HOWLS

I don't know why people feel they need to talk about their

relationships all the time.

Maybe because they want to feel important.

That's the thing.

In an age of social networks, we all want to be something to everyone.

But I'd rather be everything to someone.

Get a waft of that, mate. Yeah.

That's ammonia, that is.