D Is for Drastic Times Sunny D

This programme contains some strong language

What I'm struggling to understand, Clark,

is why all the people that need saving are strippers.

Clark... Oh, female strippers, Clark.

and why you need their pictures on your phone. I mean,

you haven't got a picture of the old lady you saved from a gas leak.

If I put a fire out in a strip club,

those strippers are going to want to thank me, Lois.

How is that my fault?

It's a kryptonian thing.

You wouldn't understand.

Oh! Drop dead!

Where are you going now, Lois? Going in the bedroom to call your mother?

I can see through the door, Lois, I've got X-ray vision!

I wish I could call my mother, but she died when my planet exploded.

I'm an orphan, Lois!

Oh, oh. What are those?

Kryptonic pants from your mother.

Oh, that's mature, Lois, real mature.

You realise I've got two jobs, Lois.

One of them is saving the world, Lois!

PHONE BEEPS

'This better be PPI.'

HE SIGHS

'Where's a tax rebate scam when you want one?'

Nicola's dad, frickin' Jamaar, let me tell you about this douche bag.

The word pussyhole isn't in the dictionary, but if it was,

then his picture would be there.

He's the reason Fathers For Justice can't get any.

Eight kids, three mothers to the children,

Jamaar practises what I like to call ABC fatherhood -

Appearing Birthdays and Christmases only...

or when he needs money.

Why?

He's busy pursuing his career.

You see, Jamaar's going to be the next king of the dancehall,

the best reggae artist in all of Jamaica!

Even though he was born in Bristol.

You don't know.

Me are the best artist in Jamaica, England and Canada.

Beenie, Maxi, Vibes, then me.

Nobody can't test me, so don't watch me.

HE SUCKS THROUGH TEETH

We don't watch you, that's what child support services does.

If only you were as good at reaching nativity plays and parents' evening

as you were at reaching the dancehall.

Nicola worked hard to make something of herself

and now she's a doctor I see the heroine of this movie.

Jamaar sees a lottery ticket.

If there's one thing Jamaar hates

more than his responsibilities it's me

because apparently I'm...

Too bumbaclart sarf.

Look at him, always bawling about how hard his life is

when he has my daughter, who's going to have all the money and success

that she should be sharing with her family...

like with the man that brought her into this world.

And left her there.

HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

Why are you still here?

Why am I still here?

Mm...

Oh, yes, I live here.

Well, tick-tock because two weeks you said, and I quote...

'I'm moving out. Two weeks from today, I'm gone.

'Engagement or not, I'm leaving.'

Oh, and I quote, "My name is Kadean. I get dressed in the dark.

"Is that a cake? Rrrah, rrah, rrah!"

That is a binding contract.

-Plans change.

-Binding!

Why must we have all this planning?

You know? Why can't everyone just relax?

Huh?

I feel sick.

SHE HUMS CONGRATULATIONS

Here's the groom!

-So proud of you, Dane.

-Thanks, Mum.

Congratulations, Dane.

Have you set a date?

Oh, we don't want to rush anything, you know.

-Rush?

-Oh, we'll take our time.

Time?

Dane, when a man makes a commitment,

he sticks to it.

That's what makes it a commitment.

Otherwise it's just words.

Of course, I get it, Dad. I'm a man of my word.

Nicola and I are engaged now.

You were engaged to Nicola already, fool.

Morning, Daddy.

We've arranged for Nicola's father to come round here this evening.

Full steam ahead with the wedding plans. Choo-choo!

(Fuck you!)

Great, I look forward to it.

'An evening with my future father-in-law,

'and Jamaar-athon - great(!)'

Don't get me wrong, Nicola is definitely the love of my life.

She's the best thing that's ever happened to me,

she's my Juliet, my Jada Pinkett,

the Rochelle to my Marvin, the Catwoman to my Batman,

my Bridget Jones -

not that I've watched that film,

at least not on my own anyway.

She's the one, if there is such a thing.

# Hey, lady

# Let me tell you why

# I can't live my life

# Without you

# Oh, baby

# Every time I see you walking by I get a thrill

# You don't notice me

# But in time you will

# I must make you understand

# I'm gonna be your man

# I wanna be your man... #

'I do want to be with her, but married?

'I mean, isn't heterosexual marriage a bit outdated now?'

I guess I'm afraid. What the hell is wrong with me?

COMPUTER BEEPS

With 42 percent of marriages ending in divorce,

I don't want to be another statistic.

'Your 30s, you begin life as two halves of the same whole

'and quickly realise that one half is making a lot of the decisions.'

-Low-fat?

-Just put it in the trolley.

BOTTLE SMASHES

Just wait in the car.

'And so it begins.

'You quickly realise everything the Brady Bunch taught you

'about starting a family was wrong.'

Can you stop her, please, Dane?

Don't throw things, sweetie.

This is all your fault.

This is because you don't know how to co-parent.

Yes, dear.

Where are you going?

'There's only way one way to future-proof yourself...'

Vasectomy.

'By the time you hit 40,

'you're emotionally numb and physically worthless.

'The job has destroyed your motivation,

'you can't be bothered to talk to your partner over dinner,

'let alone the show an interest in what your child is doing.'

-Dane, can you tell her, please?

-Yes, dear.

At least someone's fingers are getting some action.

Fine. You can have the talk with her, then.

I'll get the books.

'The laughs around the family meal table have gone,

'replaced with a silence so loud it echoes.'

HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

'Staggering into old age, you realise you've managed to push away

'anyone who you thought would bring you a moment of happiness.

'Your only salvation now will come from JC himself

'as he guides you into the light.'

Yeah, yeah!

Ugh!

'As you drift into oblivion,

'you draw your last breath to say your final piece.

'This is your legacy, you mustn't waste it.'

Shut up, Kadean.

Ugh!

Dane...

MUSIC: Mexican Hat Dance

COMPUTER BEEPS

'Reminder, office closes at 5pm

'so all employees can prepare for the departmental football match.

'This means you, Dane.

'I'll need you to manage those balls for my benefit.'

SHE SQUEALS

So, you're engaged now, Dane.

Have you been monitoring my internet use, Kerry?

-Of course.

-Do we have to go through this again?

Do I need to explain to you why this engagement is

the worst idea you've ever had?

Well, it's all a bit, you know ...

Oh, have you volunteered for castration?

You might as well. What use are your balls

if you're only going to share them with one woman?

'It's not technically sharing

'if they're still safely in your fiancee's pocket.'

Is that what you are now, Dane? Mr Whipped?

Yeah, OK.

Bitches be crazy!

'I have never met anyone so obsessed by balls.'

Feel the squat, kids.

It's a department store toilet on a Saturday afternoon,

you don't want to touch the rim.

Yes, it's very simple - claw the opponent.

Claw the opponent.

Yeah, get a shovel and dig this. I'm fired up!

Yeah, you're feeling good!

Shut up, Janet! Game day, ladies and gentlemen.

Remember, I am your Alex Ferguson and you're my Man United,

and anyone who lets me down will be out of the transfer window.

I mean, literally out the window

with your P45 as a fucking parachute.

So let's get out there.

Yes, off you go.

'I don't think sport is necessarily

'the most important thing in the world,

'especially when it's organised by work,

'but you need to understand...'

I've always been competitive.

Having a twin like Kadean, the fight begins in the womb.

I was born into competition.

Lawrence, the babies are kicking.

I can't feel anything.

That's because they're kicking each other.

I can't be held responsible for the way I am now.

'So, you join us again at the ARSE inter-departmental football match.'

Do we have an Italian in the house? Cos I can see some hot meatballs.

You're so slick and black, you're looking like an oil spill.

Let's call BP in to clean this up.

You look like Seal if he was an actual seal.

I know you're sweaty, don't worry about it,

let that sweat drip off your face onto your black body.

You're looking like a chocolate fountain out there,

it makes me want to dip my strawberry in it.

It's been a tough week for the accounts team and, well, now...

'Oh, aggressive play from young Dane there.'

You want to chat to me about quarterly budgets?

You'd didn't care about the budget

when you ate my Kit-Kat when I was on holiday, did you?

You wanted a break? Here's a break, Jerome!

'Yes, he's had some issues to deal with off the pitch

'and I think we're seeing that in his performance today.'

80p in a vending machine, Jerome.

'Let's see what the young player has to say for himself.'

I let myself down out there,

I let the boss down, all the kids at home that are watching.

I mean, there weren't any kids, but if there had been.

I let Nicola, my fiancee, down.

Nicola, shit! I'm meant to be having a wedding meeting today!

Hey, where do you think you're going?

-Home. I got sent off.

-I get it.

-Off to the sin bin with you, eh, Dane?

-That's ice hockey.

Oh. Home for a soapy bath?

The phrase is "early bath" and it...

Doesn't matter. I've got to run.

OK, well, let's just hope nobody's hidden your clothes

as punishment for that nasty outburst.

Got to get me some more of that vitamin D.

# Girl, let's just get married

# I just wanna get married. #

'Late...for a wedding meeting.

'This is going to be unbearable.'

-I know, I know.

-You're late.

-Yes.

-Yes.

Yes, I'm sorry, OK?

Well, I think, if you love somebody,

then you should be with them for ever.

Then why haven't you proposed to the fridge, Kadean?

Nic, your dad not come?

Wouldn't be the first time he hasn't bothered.

-Ha-ha! Jamaar always comes.

-Oh, Dad!

Hush your mouth, child!

Be glad the world love your father.

Dane.

HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

Jamaar.

HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

Dane.

HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

Jamaar.

HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

Dane.

BOTH SUCK THROUGH THEIR TEETH

What about you, eh, Stephan? You got a girl yet?

No? You're not settling down to make a few babies for yourself, man?

You got to have a boy, definitely got to have a boy.

I've got eight of them. Different baby mothers, but you get me.

I'm opting out of Western ideals at the moment.

Sowing those wild oats, are you?

You got all the time in the world, my man, you got all the time.

But, you - you've got no time.

I happen to have a boyfriend, thank you.

Oh, yeah, the boyfriend who exists purely online.

As if I'd bring him here to meet you, you rodent.

What's his name again? Carlos?

-Ketchup?

-His name is Kavante

and he happens to be a genius, thank you very much.

-Is this the singer, Kadean?

-Yeah.

He's an online singing sensation, actually.

Er, a few clicks on YouTube does not a megastar make.

Anyway, I want a word with you.

How does everyone know about Nic and I getting engaged, Kadean?

I can't wait, I'm going to get the most amazing bridesmaid's dress.

Then I'm going to get my hair done like Rihanna.

Then I'm going to get my heels and they'll be this high...

How am I supposed to know it's some big secret?

-I knew it!

-What is wrong with her telling people, Dane?

Because it's not her business.

Dial it back a little, brother.

There's an alien in the camp today.

We need to reel that one in, remember?

Get my man on side. I'm here to help.

It's just different for the youths nowadays, innit?

Gossiping with his little friend.

I mean, where's your balls, boy?

I'm telling you, you'd better be there for my daughter.

Like you were, Jamaar?

-So there's never been a day you weren't there for her?

-Enough.

Unlike you, my boy, I didn't have some cushy job in the city.

Man had a real man job back in my day.

Ask your father, he knows, yeah?

Men like us didn't sit behind some desk with some lickle mouse.

You're still afraid of mice, Dane?

SHE SNIGGERS

-What?

-Why are you telling people things like that?

"People"? He's my dad, Dane.

Hey, I bet you've not seen no pubic hair on a woman before, have you?

-I, er...

-I'm telling you, in my days,

if we pull down some panty

and see a ewok doin' a somersault,

we still went in. You know why?

-Because we were men.

-Dad!

Even if you got STD, we didn't care about that. And you know what?

If you got one, you just drink a Lucozade and walk that off.

Well, that explains your unfortunate sexual history, doesn't it, Jamaar?

Don't talk back, Dane, yeah?

Me and your father from a different generation, yeah?

I can feel the hardship from back home running through my veins.

You? You've grown nice.

You don't know one thing about struggle, my youth.

Weren't you born here, Jamaar?

I don't think Bristol and Kingston are that similar.

Oh, and how's that dancehall career going, Jamaar? Any bookings? No?

-Oh, that's a shame(!)

-I said that's enough.

This is the boy you want?

Dad, Dane totally understands that you have got artistic integrity.

You hear that, boy? I got integrity.

Unlike you, living here with your mother and father.

And you think my daughter is going to be your...

# Night nurse... #

-Mercy!

-Dane, let me get back to planning the wedding. Try this cake.

-Tell me what you think.

-You've decided on a cake already?

Yes, I am, Dane, cos that's what you do when you get engaged -

-you plan a wedding.

-Fine, I'll eat the whole damn thing.

You're eating with a fork?!

-And you want to marry my Nicole?!

-Nicola.

You're not ready for that yet, boy. Yeah? Look at you -

too bloody soft!

You want to see how soft I am, Jamaar?

You can't even step to a girl.

-How you think you're going to step to me?

-This is all your fault.

-Me?

You're the one going around telling everyone. Well, I hope you're happy.

I'm beginning to wonder whether you even want this wedding at all, Dane.

Well, do you?

'It's not about what I want,

'it's what about what I've been sentenced to.'

And just how shall I punish this young man?

What cruel fate awaits him?

Let him be...

..married!

No, please, no!

Please, sire!

I don't have the finances for marriage,

I have many tuppences to my name.

Well, do you?

As a Nubian, I'm thankful for this glorious day, for the air,

-for the sky...

-Shut up, Stephan!

-Don't you dare tell him to shut up!

He's my best friend, I can say what I like to him.

-If me and Nicola break up, it'll be all your fault.

-Good riddance!

Stay and live at your momma house for ever.

-You can't stay here!

-Living in Mummy house for ever.

I need his room back now.

Lickle baby, lickle baby!

My, you pussy or what?

You can't stay here!

Why don't you fuck off, Jamaar, you prick?!

I need Dane to move out now because...

..I'm pregnant!

You're what?

Yeah, what?

'Now, you may be thinking, how shit of a twin am I?

'Aren't you effectively one half of the same person?'

Blah, blah, blah.

And the answer is no. No, we are not.

Because I take after my parents and she takes after

Satan, Satan, Satan!

Come to think of it, though, the clues were there.

'That juice she was sipping at the party was light on the gin

'and heavy on the juice

'and, if she wasn't hung over, there's only one explanation.'

I feel sick.

Hm, what do you know?

Is this true, Kadean?

Yes, Daddy.

Yes, it is.

Sweet Jesus!

I know you're expecting to hear, douf-douf-douf-douf-douf.

But we are not doing that.

This is a sensitive time for my sister and it's not that show.

Roll credits, please.

# Oh-oh, baby

# How do I know I'm a lady?

# How do I know she baby?

# Yeah

# Sometimes I wonder how I never make it to

# Into this world without having you

# I just wouldn't have a clue

# When I see you smile

# I see the rings of life

# Oh-oh... #

A ewok doing a somersault.