Episode 2 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! I'm Nick Grimshaw, this is

Sweat The Small Stuff, and these are the people who are going to be

sweating it tonight. Joining Melvin Odoom's team this week is comedian

Carl Donnelly. Next, it's my genuine next-door neighbour, who's sweating

because I keep stealing her wifi to illegally download her music. It's

Eliza Doolittle. And over on Rochelle Humes' team is funny man

Joe Lycett and one half of McFly, who are sweating because the other

half are going on Qi tonight. It's Harry Judd and Danny Jones. So let's

go and sweat the small stuff! CHEERING

hello everyone. Hi, welcome to Sweat The Small Stuff. This week I've been

sweating about the rude people in cinemas. I hate a rude person in a

sin match. Madonna has been band from a New York cinema for texting

this week. Did you see this? They've band her for life, which to be fair

is only about five years, so it is not a big deal is it? Natalie

Cassidy is going back in east enders. Sonia's not been on that

show for seven years. In that time she's, um...

LAUGHTER Well, she did... Yeah, anyway, best of luck to you,

Natalie. Let's crack on and find out how our team captains are. Doom doom

Natalie. Let's crack on and find out do. -- Malcolm Odoom's here.

-- Melvyn. They love you. Rochelle, you look beautiful tonight.

CHEERING Are you going to try to get less drunk this week? I was drunk

last week wasn't it? You were a mess, Rochelle. People were mopping

up puvenlingt she didn't know she had done this until she saw it on

the telly. We've got Harry and Danny from McFly everyone.

CHEERING Nice to have you here. You recently sold out four full nights

at the Royal Albert Hall. Yeah. That's pretty big in the game. Look,

the classic shot. It looks like One Direction have

kicked Zane out. Do do do, what are your top five McFly songs? It's All

About You. Four more. I do have favourites but I don't remember the

names. Donnell Donnell dodges what -- Carl Donnelly what are your four

favourites? It is time now for round one. This

week it's about something that Melvyn has been sweat about

recently. Pray tell. I feel like I'm at the age where I should have had a

threesome by now. Come on then, let's go. Men are quite obsessed

with the whole threesome thing. We are going to Magaluf and have a

threesome. That sounds like the Saturdays' tour bus. I had a really

weird threesome once, and it was weird, because I didn't know who to

concentrate on. Ant or deck. -- Ant or Dec.

APPLAUSE We put this to the test and asked people on the street the very

normal and nonintrusive question, have you ever had a threesome? We'll

see the person swear on this. That's too much smoke. I feel like

this is going to end up like Nige that Pepsi advert. -- end up like

Michael Jackson in that Pepsi advert. We asked people to swear on

the quiff of Jimmy to tell the truth. I swear on the Quiff of

Grimmy to tell the whole truth. Have you ever had a threesome? It is not

a passport o. Some girls are like yes, we know him. He -- it is not a

panto. I think no. You are going to react

to the question anyway, right? They are saying no. No. I will be open to

the idea but I haven't, no. Is there two people here that are up for it?

Rochelle's team, this one is for you. I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy

to tell the truth. Have you ever had a threesome?

AUDIENCE: Yes! What a threesome?

is hard, because I would have said that Melvyn's had a threesome, if

I'm honest. He looks like he's just got out of prison, so yes. Nonstop

for 12 years. Let's go yes. Yes CHEERING When? On a balcony in Ayia

Napa. He doesn't seem too happy about it

does he? Melvyn's team, this is for you. I swear on the Quiff of Grimmy

to tell the whole truth. Have you ever had a threesome?

LAUGHTER What do we think? I think he has. Look how tightly he's

clutching my quiff. I think he probably has. They are saying yes.

Maybe. Yes. There's nothing else I want to say about that. Oh, my gold.

Grimmy, what are you doing to me, mate. What am I doing? You did it!

Let's look at who is next. It is my pal from last week, a.s.a.p. Del

Boy. I swear to tell the whole truth on Nick Grimshaw's quiff. Have you

ever had a threesome? Due reckon he's done -- do you

reckon he's done it? I love the way he was christened as soon as

possible, that's too long, so we'll go with a.s.a.p. . I think he's a

kind gentle boy, who like an Action Man has no genitalia. OK. Let's find

out. No. Yes, I have. We did it in the park. It was quite

awesome. Why awesome? Thank you to the people

of Great Britain for playing on the Quiff of Grimmy.

I liked win we play comedown music. Carl Donnelly, we invite you on this

youth TV show on youth BBC station BBC Three to ask for your sweats. We

thought you would sweat about Instagram or twerking or summat but

you are sweating about allotments. It is all the hassle of a garden but

not at your house. I hate having a garden, because I've got to look

after it, but if I had to get a bus to my garden I would be the angriest

person on the bus. And you've been sweating over loose tea leaves and

pyjamas. Are you my mum? The worst one is old people's pyjamas, have

you seen how smart they are? I've never been denied entry into a dream

because I was underdressed. Maybe it is a precaution because they put the

outfit on and they want to look nice in the outfit I die in. Harry, what

have you been sweating about? I get really annoyed, I find clubs very

frustrate places to be in. Alright gand dad. Why? Because it's just

shit. You go in and it is just really loud. It is partly that. What

is it about loud music that particularly annoys you? It is

generally music like that. I can't hear what you're saying. Exactly!

That's a cheap gag. It is painful to listen to. And I find you can't hear

anyone. APPLAUSE OK. It is now time for

Grimmy Investigates. The way this works is that every week I asked the

listeners of Radio 1 and followers of the Sweat The Small Stuff Twitter

account what their biggest sweats are concerning a specific topic

I'll pick one of those sweats and attempt to investigate it for them.

I think this deserves a detective series open title sequence. Last

week we had a Murder, She Wrote spoof. This week, Poirot. You're

locking welcome. LAUGHTER

Hey Grimmy I'm Alannah from Cheshire and what makes me sweat recently is

when I've gone out, got drunk, got my laptop out and looked at things I

shouldn't. You know what I'm talking about. And the next day I've

forgotten to clear my internet history and there's a risk of my mum

looking at what I've been looking at. Nice acting. I thought was a

unique male problem, not to be sexist. I have a game I'm calling

"Eat, Sleep, Search, Delete". Earlier this week I asked the

panellists to send me a screen grab of their internet history. To win

points, the teams had to match these genuine internet search history to

the panellists. Melvyn's team have been searching for the following in

the past week. I have no idea. I have a feeling it

might be Joe, because he's got a wide array of interests. Definitely

Joe. Who from Rochelle's team is going to own up to this internet

history? Joe Lycett. You are absolutely correct.

Well done, you knew that Carl. Joe, we obviously looked up

autonomous sensory meridian response. This is some weird shit.

Would you like to explain to everybody exactly what this is? For

my entire life when I've seen someone folding something or being

delicate with it, with I get a tingle in my head which builds up to

an amazing sensation. I get it from when people are being really nice

and endearing. You like people being nice to you. He likes people fold

towels. I was at school and this teacher was giving me advice. I

thought, what's that feeling in the back of my neck. But he likes people

folding towels. Look at this. Joe, what are you enjoying right now She

is taking such care over it. You can't do it when you are in company.

I'm not getting anything now, but if I was watching this in bed, this is

what I would look like if I was in bed.

I just love it. It is weird, because I've got some watering that I need

to fold right now. -- some washing. They are dirty

towels, Joe. Oh, so very dirty. Fold the lock out of you.

Fold that shit. Naughty little towel.

Wait until I put you in the airing cupboard. Do you know, genuinely I

did get a little something? APPLAUSE Rochelle's team, who from

Melvyn's team has been searching for the following

The vegans are so weak that they can't spell properly.

Animals in sexy pose insist Tarka dhal ingredients.

I think it could be Carl. You are saying Carl is the obsess vegan

gorilla sexy man? Who is going to own up to this internet history It

is Carl. Obviously we were massively intrigued by animals in sexy poses,

so we did our own search on the internet. We found these sexy

animals. That is the fittest horse. The cheekbones on that! Look at this

one. What a cock tease that one That one's fit but she knows she's

fit. She's like, "You wish." You still would though wouldn't you

Alannah from Cheshire, I've discovered beyond any reasonable

doubt that you are not on your own, we probably all sweat over internet

histories. Thank you for playing Grimmy Investigates.

Time now for Rochelle and Melvyn, the challenges. I challenge our team

captains to take a small sweat out on to the streets and into public

spaces. This is about annoying customer service, when waiters are a

little bit over the top or needlessly rude, like when you are

in France or summat. Danny and Harry, does over the top customer

service annoy you? Yes, when you get your food, and you start eating and

you are having a conversation, because there is no loud music and

you can hear the person, and the wait ser, "Is everything OK with

your food, Sir?" And you say, yes, it's fine, I would locking tell you

if it wasn't, go away. I wanted to know what Melvyn and Rochelle would

be like if they became those over the top waiters for the day. I'm not

scared of silly old Rochelle. She's a girl. Do you find him annoying?

He's quite small as well. Small and annoying.

Task number one. You are the worst waiter in the world. Take as long as

you can to get the table's order right. Simple.

Hi, can we start with drinks. Some drinks? Are you guys ready to order?

It is tagliatelle with roasted aubergine and it says it comes with

peas. How many roughly would you like? A lot. I have had it with

potatoes. I'm dyslexic, you can spell

potatoes? Some people ask for two portions of peace. Lots of peace. Do

you have a preference for plates you want it to be served on, whether it

is a round or square plate? I'm not fussed. Porcelain or a China plate.

He is telling me there might not be peace. Wait one second. Steve, you

are like a white version of my cousin Steve. Is your name Steve?

Yes. You could be related to me I only came here baize wanted green

peas. Usually they do 9 peace. -- 90 peas. Task two. Now thauf got

their orderings eninterrupt their meal as many times as you can.

Do you want any starters? I want to double check? How do you want your

chicken, rare? Really well cooked. Really well cooked? Would you like

any water for the table? Sues me Sir you have a call from Sara. She asked

to be discreet? Would you like a drink.

Would like some pepper, some Sam. Fresh chilli?

I'm embarrassed. Sorry. Have you seen Inception yet. The ending on

that is mind-blowing. We won't come here again. Is

everything OK, gents? Would you like the pudding menu. Are you happy with

the knives and forks? We are talking about a few business pieces. I'm

sorry about that. I wanted to apologise for earlier on.

Task number three. Oh, man. You ve been a terrible waiter but you still

need to get paid. Give them your best sob story to get the best tip.

I will give it a go. Do you want to leave a tip on here?

Service isn't included. There is the bill, guys. My dog's having an

operation next week. Just bear that in mind. They didn't put me through

or put me through to second stages. I'm saving up for singing lessons.

I've got to pay cash for it. For a tip and stuff, it is a heart

operation, thank you very much. OK!

Oh, God. Stick a fiver on there Thank you.

Rochelle's team wins challenge. Well done, Rochelle. You won that.

Melvyn, you slipped into the character of an competent buffoon

with ease. Eliza Doolittle, are you a person

who gets wound up with things? You have a new album. When you go to the

studio, do you stress over it or have a new album. When you go to the

you do any old shit? have a new album. When you go to the

album just comes out like puke. You heard it here first, it is like

puke. I have it here. I have a copy of the Eliza Doolittle album. Eliza

Doolittle put this through my front door. A bit creepy, literally

through the front door. At least it wasn't a petrol bomb. No! Let's move

on to the next round. It is time for the return of the Sweat Box, where

you get to help members of this very audience. They are going to tell you

what they've been sweating about recently and you must do your best

to help them out with some advice. Whichever team they decide has given

them the most help will get the point. Who is first in the Sweat Box

tonight? I'm Rob. Hi Rob, what's your issue? When Gow out to a club

with a group of people. You are dancing and you have a good time and

you have a pact and every one of them pulls and you are on your own.

I need a game plan so I don't look like Billy No-Mates in the middle.

So all your mates pull and you don't? Yes. Just pull anyone. Great

advice Rochelle. Have you got any good advice? Are

awe heterosexual or a homosexual. Your gaydar must be pretty off if

you have to ask me. So you are gay? Yes. What's your patter like? My

patter? Your chat. Why are you so angry Rob? I'm not angry. He's

coming for you. CHEERING We'll share the seat. I

said, but want to sit down? You might struggle because you are quite

aggressive. I will try to be nicer, sorry. Maybe if you weren't so

shouty, it would be alright. We should try for you to chat up

Grimmy. You do look a wit like Harry styles, so it would work. And I look

a bit like Niall, "Hello there! ." What would be an opening line. Go,

oh my God, that's Nick Grimshaw off the television. I can't say that. It

is bizarre enough so that they would be, like, what? I think you should

hang out with less-hot friends. Melvyn's team, do you have any

advice for our pal in the Sweat Box? Bring your friends with you. Go in

and before they are about to pull, cock block them. Say, "How's your

herpes coming on, shit like that." They are both pretty awful but I'm

probably going to say Rochelle, because Rochelle. Rochelle's team

you get the point. You helped him out there.

APPLAUSE Who is next in the Sweat Box? I'm Dan. What is your sweat

this evening, Dan? My sweat, Nick, is cats surprising me when I'm least

expecting it. They seem to keep jumping up when I least expect it. I

was waiting in my car with the window down, because it was hot A

cat suddenly jumped into the car. It scared me to death, like. Danny are

you a real person? LAUGHTER I wouldn't complaings you

are a pussy magnet, obviously. APPLAUSE Melvyn! And cats don't like

water. Live under the sea. What about catfish? Supersoaker.

That's their advice. Whose advice do you want to take? I think Rochelle's

team. Rochelle's team win another point!

Who is next in the Sweat Box? Hello, I'm from Brazil. My sweat is, I

don't understand why British people kiss with not much tongue. Like for

me it is like a cat drinking the milk. You want lots of tongue? If

you want to be an actress, fair enough, don't put your tongue, but

if you are in a passionate moment you need to give it the tongue. OK.

APPLAUSE How much due need, girl? It is not

about what I need... LAUGHTER I will teach you, not like

toerks like this. Why not? Because you don't like my things.

LAUGHTER I think you're changing me. This is

a threesome I could work with. Melvyn, do you have any advice? I

don't know, but I'm moving to Brazil. I've got so much time for

you. You're wonderful. I have some really good advice. I think you

should tongue Melvyn. Sorry, no Melvyn's team do you have any

advice? Is it the same, I'm guessing yes. You are both saying tongue

Melvyn. I take Rochelle's team. That's the final round and tonight's

winners are... Rochelle's team! CHEERING

A big thanks to Rochelle, Joe, Danny and Harry Melvin, Carl and Eliza.

This has been Sweat The Small Stuff. I've been Nick Grimshaw. You've been

beautiful. Goodnight!