Episode 3 Sweat the Small Stuff

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello. I am Nick Grimshaw. Welcome

to Sweat The Small Stuff. Joining Melvin Odoom's team, the comedian

Tom Davies and a woman who is sweating because Melvin is meant to

be 100 feet away from her at all times, it's Sarah Harding. On

Rochelle's team it's Iain Stirling and the star of Made In Chelsea who

is sweating he is afraid his trousers might fall down, it's

Spencer Matthews. Let's go and Sweat The Small Stuff. Come on. Hello

everyone. Hi. This is the show all about those little annoyances in

everyone. Hi. This is the show all life because life's little

annoyances really are worth worrying about. This week, for example, I

have been sweating about child stars growing up and looking all weird.

That kid from the 6th Sense, he was nice. He would be nice as your son.

This is him here. That's a nice son. Ah!

Look at him now. It's like... LAUGHTER

Happy Hallowe'en! It's like the middle of his face - because he was

so successful, the middle of his face has went, I'm done. Let's start

by finding out how our team captains are. Melvin Odoom, how are you? I am

very well, man. Nice to see you I miss you all week. I can come and

stay with you if you like. You could share a bed with me. We could do

tops and tails, Grimmy. Rochelle, how are you? Good. How are you? You

look beautiful tonight. I don't know. Thank you very much. Did you

see yourself in Heat magazine this week? In one of those Who Wore It

Best Things. You versus a massive celeb.

I can't tell who's who. Which one are you?

Sarah Harding, welcome to the show. Sarah, you were in that film St

Trinians 2. You were an track tress in that -- you were an actress in

that, did you sweat over what to wear to the Oscars? Are you mad we

didn't make it to the Oscars? What! Outrage. Spencer Matthews from Made

In Chelsea is here. Hello. How are you? People love spinner Matthews.

-- Spencer Matthews. Surprisingly. Did you have to do acting lessons

before you started Made In Chelsea or did you just start and went

straight on? or did you just start and went

stuff, that's just how it is. Jamie and I were saying the other day how

is it without putting effort into the show it seems to keep going

Because it's made up and scripted. It's not. I always hang out by the

Thames! Hey! If you ever ask me to go to the Thames, I will be like

something terrible's going to happen. You could argue it would be

nicer if you dumped someone without any cameras being there. Tom Davis

is here everybody. I don't know if anyone has mentioned this to you,

you're bloody massive. I am officially a giant. A giant on the

show! Stand up a second. Let's see this giantness in real life. Melvin,

do it as well, for perspective. Both go to the front around here so we

can see you are not stood on the Yellow Pages. Tom, hold your hand up

as high as possible. Do both, why not. Let's have a party. Melvin if

you can high-five Tom I will give you a point for the team. Higher!

Higher! Yes! APPLAUSE

Right, let's get on with the show. It's time for Quiff of Grimmy. It's

about something Rochelle has been sweating about. What is that thing?

Not me personally. But my friend wet herself. Vanessa? No, it's not a

Saturday. I am a little bit worried this is what I have to look forward

to. Apparently when you have kids you can just wet yourself. Have you

ever weed yourself, Sarah? You must you can just wet yourself. Have you

have. Almost. When I was on tour, you know, and hit the high notes.

Did you say you pissed yourself Almost, yeah. Rochelle, you know how

JLS have condoms... Which really worked for us. They've got their

condoms. Maybe The Saturdays could do like nappies. In ence nappies,

you could call them Shat-a--days. That's brilliant! Is that real? No,

it's not real! It's a prop. I thought we would find out how common

it was. We put it to the test. We asked people on the street have you

ever wet yourself? The way this is going to work we will see the person

swear on this. Again a little bit too much smoke.

We will get it right next week. Because it's Hallowe'en we thought

it would be the Quiff of Grimmy Reaper. You like that?

APPLAUSE. Tom doesn't like that. I am slightly

scared, that's all. What would you give that joke out of ten? Probably

go seven. We wept around the country and -- went around the country and

got the public to swear they were telling the truth. All you have to

do is decide if they look like the sort of person who has wet

themselves as an adult. It's a high-brow quiz. You go first,

Rochelle's team. The first potential pisser, please. Swear to tell the

truth. Have you ever wet yourself as an adult? She looks like she's doing

it now. How do they know? I think yeah, she is a

it now. How do they know? I think has, she's going to say no. I

it now. How do they know? I think going to say no. OK, they're

it now. How do they know? I think no. Yes. When? A couple of weeks

ago. After a night out. Not proud of it. I love her. She's honest. And

really sad. Melvin's team you are up next.

Hi, I swear to tell the truth. Have you ever wet yourself as an adult?

Definitely. Sarah, you were right in there. Why do you think he looks

like he wet himself? He looks naughty. He looks a little cheeky. I

think if you scared him enough he would piss himself. You are saying

yes? We are going to go yes. No Not yet. I might have come close. But

no. Not yet. Not yet like he wants to one day. Drinking a lot, not

going to the toilet a lot. Keep reaching for that dream. Rochelle's

team you are up next. We swear on the Quiff of Grimmy to tell the

whole truth. Have you ever wet yourself as an adult? I don't think

they've answered no to a question in a long time. They have pissed

themselves. Let's find out. Yes All the time. I actually peed... She's

proud she's won something. We are not offering a prize for the most

incontinent person we speak to. For years I have been trying to get rid

of Scottish stereotypes and two girls go on, piss? I do it all the

time! I piss on her, she pisses on me. We piss on

time! I piss on her, she pisses on world over! They look like a nice

time! I piss on her, she pisses on people of Great Britain, especially

Scotland. APPLAUSE

It's time now for Grimmy Veryings. Every -- Investigates. Every week I

ask people what their biggest sweats are concerning a specific topic

Then I will pick one of those sweats and attempt to investigate it for

them. Once again I feel this deserves a deck series open --

detective series opening title sequence. Last week we had Poirot.

Here he is. This week more mouse touches -- moustaches as I am Magnum

PI. Ask your mum. APPLAUSE

Love that. It's good. This week s chosen sweat topic was Hallowe'en.

We got pretty amazing texts. The sweat that really caught my eye came

from Keeley who lives in Barrow In Furness which I have never heard of.

And her sweat is pumpkins. I thought as it is nearly Hallowe'en

I would find out which one of our panelists is the biggest scaredy cat

in a game we have called Terror Eyes. It's good, right. Before the

show we secretly filmed each of the panelists watching a video of a dead

snake. We filmed to see their reaction to see who

snake. We filmed to see their scared. Let's play this to you now

so you know what I am talking about. Terrifying! But this game I want

teams for a point, I want you to tell me who you think gave the most

terrifying reaction to that video. Rochelle's team which panelist do

you think was the most scared? You can choose one of your team if you

fancy. I think Melvin pissed himself. I think I was up there

though. I reckon when the snake jumped at Tom he tried to punch it.

Who are you going to say, Rochelle? I would like to think Melvin was

more scared than me. Be honest, though. I shit myself. You are going

Rochelle. Melvin's team, who do you think was the biggest scaredy cat.

Choose someone from your own team. Sarah, how scared were you? You are

still shaken up about it. What are you going to go for, Tom who looks

like the biggest pussy around? I am going to go with Sarah. You look

terrified even now. She looks scared now. We are going to look at the top

three reactions. At number three it's Spencer!

Oh my God! Oh... At number two, it's Sarah.

Is that eating someone? It's very big. Argh!

Is that eating someone? It's very panelist, and it's better than that,

I can't panelist, and it's better than that,

this, is Rochelle. Argh! !

APPLAUSE That was amazing. So amazing. We

could have a slow-mo replay. Let's have that in

slow-mo. Let's look at the worst bit. We have

a still here. That would go with the Shat-a--days.

We are going to give you a bonus point for your team. Thank you for

playing Grimmy Investigates. APPLAUSE

Spinner, are you strug -- Spencer are you centringling -- struggling

tonight because you are on telly and no one's telling you what emotion to

convoy? -- convey? Can we see how good you are at conveying emotion

right -- emotion right now? Look down camera one and convey the

following emotions. OK. First up you are angry because your

butler left a handprint on the bodywork of your Bentley. You are

now confused after a working class person walked past you without

bowing. APPLAUSE

Can we see happy like you have just checked your bank account?

LAUGHTER The many faces of Spencer

LAUGHTER OK. It's time now for Rochelle and

Melvin, The Challenges. Each week I challenge our Captains, Melvin and

Rochelle, to take a small sweat out on to the faces of the public. This

week it's about lad culture, you know those groups of like top lads

who like down drinks and tell implausible stories about how many

birds they've shaged. Would you say you are like a top lad? Don't really

know. I thought I would spend Rochelle -- send Rochelle and Melvin

out to see what would happen if they became lads for the night. Rochelle,

how did you enjoy becoming a proper top lad for the night? I hated it.

Did you? I never cringed... I died a little doing it. Let's find out who

the biggest lad is in The Challenges.

Are you wearing make-up? It's just base foundation.

How do you reckon you will do? I am going to win this competition. How

do you expect to beat me on a lad contest? Of course I am not worried.

I have a secret weapon. It's down here. In my pants in case it wasn't

clear. Will I beat Melvin? Is the referee a banker? Task one, approach

a group of top lads, buy them a round of drinks... And challenge

them to down a pint with you. Yeah! Sorry lads, sorry to interrupt, do

you know if that's the right time? Hi, fellas, do you mind if I sit

down here? Thanks. I am waiting for my mates here. I have some news to

celebrate, I have been accepted my mates here. I have some news to

the reserves for Fulham. I just want to celebrate, I want to sta

drinking. Can I get a round with us? I want to start the drinks rolling.

Do you want a beer to celebrate the football? Cool. Right, let's get the

drinks in. Let's down this. Congratulations. Let's down them.

Task two. Start a lad chat about football. Get as many high-ifies as

-- high-fives as you can. Did you see the football last night? Um no,

we were out. Fulham Reserves as in footie? Who did you play for before

that? Luton. We are going to Brazil so we are buzzing about that Are you

a football fan? Burnley. Sorry about that. We made it and we are very

happy. High-five to that one. Oh, yeah! I am always backing my boys,

you know. In the snooker hall yesterday, let's just say I poted

the pink and the -- potted the pink and the brown. You can use that one,

it's free of charge. Task number three, challenge and defeat a lad in

an arm wrestle. Welcome to the gun show. My legs are in great shape at

the moment. But my arms, I have been trying to work on the top half more.

I have been going to the gym lately, trying to get a bit of gun action. I

want to arm wrestle right now. I am trying to get a bit of gun action. I

fighting fit. We will do an wrestle. Don't you worry. Come on,

let's try. All right. It must be the drink. Oh, no, you

are going to take me down. OK, see, I need to work out some more.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Melvin wins the challenge! Melvin,

Melvin, Melvin! Rochelle, you really didn't stand a chance. I am pleased

I didn't win. Why? I don't want to be... It would have been great if

you weren't a - if you won the challenge. It's time for Quick Fire

Sweats. Teams will have to pitch a sweat to the audience against the

clock. If they persuade the majority of the audience that it's annoying

they'll get a point for their team. The way the audience are going to

vote is by using these things here. They have a blue Grimmy card and a

red Grimmy card. After the sweat is pitched I will ask them to hold up

the annoyed face. But hold up the nice blue one if you don't find it

annoying. Rochelle's team, you are going to go first. OK, my Quick Fire

Sweats is, guys that think you can play the guitar and it's an air

guitar, what's the point? You put a stupid facial - this stupid. It

doesn't even look... Can we see it. I can't even do it. Music, please.

Do it! MUSIC Oh, yeah! Oh, Spencer! Here we go.

It's an air guitar-off! This is nice.

It's an air guitar-off! This is about, what's annoying about that?

That's exactly my point. Audience vote now. What do we think? They're

blue. You kind of like air guitar. You don't get a point. Melvin's team

what is your Quick Fire Sweats? I am annoyed by horoscope, especially

phonelines, the only thing they can predict is you will ?1.59 poorer.

The symbols - the only symbol I like is the Cancer because it looks like

a 69. I do know what you mean about horoscopes. But then again I am a

typical Leo. I have got one. Embarrassing tattoo. I have an Aries

and Pisces sign and it says love in the middle. Is that you and Marvin's

signs? What a weird way to hold your wrist up! It would be upside down!

OK, audience vote. What do we think? I think it's definitely red. A point

to Melvin's team. That was the end of Quick Fire Sweats.

APPLAUSE OK. Time for a return of the Sweat

Box where you help members of the audience. They'll tell you what

they've been sweating about and you must help them out with advice.

Which ever team they decide has given them the most help will get

the points. Who is first in the Sweat Box tonight? Hi, I am Kelly. I

get the same bus to work every day and seeing the same people, saying

hello. Then I see them at the shops and don't know if it's acceptable to

have a conversation with them. Are they my friends? I see people all

the time and I am like, do I say they my friends? I see people all

hi, how are you doing? they my friends? I see people all

take Spencer's advice, have you seen Made In Chelsea? Always put in,

lovely to see you when it's awkward. Say hi, how are you? Yeah, good

Lovely to see you. Take care, see you soon. And you are out. It's

over. APPLAUSE

They're saying be really cold and say lovely to see you, buy, I am

busy. Melvin's team, what advice would you give? Mix it up a bit

Sometimes be horrible. Sometimes be nice. Keep it interesting. They go,

shit, which woman are we going to get today? Go, how are you? Other

times go... Whose advice are you going to take? I might go for

Rochelle's. APPLAUSE

Right, who is next in the Sweat Box tonight? My sweat is a couple of

years ago I planned to get a tattoo done and it's got to say nanny. I

went on Google, got a translation and got it on me but it doesn't say

nanny, it says goat. I don't actually know what to do. You have

the word goat, do you like goats? I don't. This is easy, you have a

baby, name the baby goat. APPLAUSE.

Sound advice from Iain Stirling there. Melvin's team what's your

advice? Well, there is a rapper called LL Cool J, he had an album

called Greatest Of All Time. You could say your nanny was the

greatest. The advice is call your first-born goat or follow in

greatest. The advice is call your footsteps of LL?

greatest. The advice is call your , who is next in the Sweat Box? Hi,

my sweat is I am nearly 22. Is that too old to have a really, really bad

obsession with Dr Who? Let's find out just how big a fan Ruby, nearly

22 is of Dr Who. I am scared. Ladies and gentlemen, can we make some

noise for MrMatt Smith! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Matt Smith! Oh my God! I can't believe you are here. No problem. I

can't believe you are on Sweat The Small Stuff. Would have been better

than Spencer! Matt Smith! APPLAUSE

Ruby, what about that? He has grown his hair back. She's a real fan Do

you have actual posters? Yeah. Like you get in kids' magazines. Out

fortnightly. Can you do that thing, name all the doctors? For a point go

on. Patrick, John Tom Baker, Peter Davidson, Sylvester McCoy,

Christopher he canlen to -- Ecclestone, David Tenent and Peter

Capaldi at Christmas. APPLAUSE.

I don't think this is a dilemma I love that you love Dr Who. Love what

you want to love. Yeah, girlfriend! You don't need advice. You be proud

that you are a geek. Ladies and gentlemen, Ruby! We are going to let

you leave in a Tardis style. Ready, ruby? Everybody say bye, Ruby. Wow!

Right, that's it. I can reveal that tonight's winners are... Rochelle's

team! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A big thank you to Rochelle and Spencer and Iain, Melvin and Sarah

and Tom. I am Nick Grimshaw. You have all been beautiful. Good night

everybody.